Divorced/separated couples living together....any stories?

[Tap]

I am trying to think through Dh and my relationship going forward.  Financially, we will be screwed if we divorce and split our household.  We have one special needs kid, a teenage daughter with $$  chronic health issues, and my son who is a college student (but also provides a tremendous amount of logistics support with my special needs dd) that we are supporting. 

 

We have essentially lived as roommates for several years.  One thing I am considering is, the possibility of maintaining one household and just making the 'roommates' situation more official.  

 

Any BTDT stories?  I assume it usually ends up not working for various reasons...so I am not just looking for positive outcomes. 

 

Just to be clear:

~We would divorce within the next year or two, so a separation would be a step towards that, not reconciliation. 

~We would officially split finances ( I already work outside the home and have my own accounts) and we would financially live like a divorced couple (no accountability to the other person other than agreed upon bills).  Things like home chores/repairs/maintenance would need to be spelled out in the plan.

~We would be free to date other people, just not bring them home (unlikely anyways with an autistic child at home and an open floor plan.)

~We would likely have to put some basic rules into place regarding care for dd10.  We would each have set nights off, that we could make other plans without having to explain it to the other person. 

~Legal stuff like power of attorneys for medical care, wills, investments etc would need to be drafted allowing for the other person to make decisions. 

 

 

Uuggghhh....so much to think about.

 

 

 

 

 

[Crimson Wife]

I know several couples that had to do this because of the Great Recession and underwater houses. ALL of them were very relieved when the housing market rebounded and they could escape the living-with-the-ex situation

 

 

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[Crimson Wife]

Also, if you are thinking that a divorce will get you more assistance for your SN child and financial aid for the college student, living with the ex might nullify both of those

 

 

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[Tap]

Also, if you are thinking that a divorce will get you more assistance for your SN child and financial aid for the college student, living with the ex might nullify both of those

 

 

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Nope.  I know nothing will change in accessing services.  Thanks for the reminder though, just in case I did think that.

[Tap]

Yes, a close friend's now partner was involved in a situation like this.

 

He and his wife were divorced, but they lived in the same home and commited to do so until their son went to uni. There was no abuse and it was not a hostile situation.

 

It worked, in that they were able to live together till that time. Tensions were around re-partnering. When he met my friend, that was tough for his ex, and my friend. 

 

I'm not sure how it all ended up after the son was grown, other than my friend finally got to live with her now-partner. 

I have talked to both of my older kids about the potential for their dad dating again very soon.  His best friend lives on a boat and is single.  So, when dh is with him, he is in the singles scene already (the go to bars quite often instead of hanging out on the boat).  Dh is a good looking, fit, sales person (so confident in talking to strangers), and is a great guy......he will get snatched up very quick.  LOL  

 

They are both ok with the idea but I know it will be weird to see him dress up to go on a date, and leave the house.  LOL 

 

That is one reason why I want there to be a formal divorce, is to separate assets. Otherwise I would get resentful if he spends funds on dates with other women. 

[amy g.]

We have friends at church who still live together many years after their divorce. I admire how they have put the welfare of their children and grandchildren before their own issues.

 

The entire family seeems to be doing very well, but I don't think either one is dating or looking for another partner. That might change everything.

[Annie G]

  Dh is a good looking, fit, sales person (so confident in talking to strangers), and is a great guy......he will get snatched up very quick.  LOL  

 

 

 

This is not the typical thing I usually hear from my friends who are divorcing- so maybe this whole living together after divorcing will work out for you.  Wish you the best!

[FaithManor]

I have seen it work. I have seen it end in disaster too. It all depends on the commitment of both parties. In my experience, there have been more couples in which one person was a LOT more committed to making it work than the other.

 

In all cases, the dating thing was a no no as in you don't get ready for a date here. You take your clothes or whatever, say you are going to a friend's house, going to a work meeting, whatever you need to say to get out of the house without putting the kids in the awkward position of dealing with the "mom or dad is dating OH MY GOSH NO" emotions. It is just too in your face in a way that it wouldn't be if living apart.

 

But yes, I've seen it work out of necessity, and like Crimson said, it was in these cases due to being underwater on a mortgage.

 

I think that if you have ever seen the show "Big Bang Theory" you might want to consider a relationship agreement and a roommate agreement that kind of spells out all the details and each person signs it. You can't enforce it per se, but on the other hand having it all written down and formally agreeing to it might help the salient details stick a bit better.

[Anne in CA]

I have talked to both of my older kids about the potential for their dad dating again very soon.  His best friend lives on a boat and is single.  So, when dh is with him, he is in the singles scene already (the go to bars quite often instead of hanging out on the boat).  Dh is a good looking, fit, sales person (so confident in talking to strangers), and is a great guy......he will get snatched up very quick.  LOL  

 

They are both ok with the idea but I know it will be weird to see him dress up to go on a date, and leave the house.  LOL 

 

That is one reason why I want there to be a formal divorce, is to separate assets. Otherwise I would get resentful if he spends funds on dates with other women. 

That makes a lot of sense. I do think that living with the ex wife will slow down the potential for better women for him, and he may end up with a less desirable woman... That is all I can say about that.

 

I have known two different couples who did live together after divorce rather than split their households and it worked fine for them until they remarried. Then they had to rip off the painful band-aide, so there is that. When you do get divorced you rip off the band aid, you bleed, but then you move on and the shadow of splitting assets does not cover your new romance.

 

I hope that you can make all this work so that YOU have YOUR OWN new life. I worry that if you stay in the suburbs with no garden, all the responsibility of the family you will not get the new life you deserve too.  

[Catwoman]

I think it can work if you both really and truly are no longer attracted to each other and if you are 100% certain you won't be jealous if the other person has a date or gets involved in a relationship.

 

As you already mentioned, you would be understandably resentful if your dh spent marital money to take another woman out on dates. But what about when the money is separate and your dh buys his new girlfriend a beautiful birthday gift that's way nicer than anything he ever bought for you? If you lived separately, you'd never know about it, but if you're living in the same house, you very well might. Would you be okay with that?

 

Basically, I'm worried about your feelings. I'm sure you can handle the situation because you're a strong person, but I don't want to see you being hurt or feeling lonely if it seems like he has a more active dating and/or social life than you have. (If he already has a close friend who's single, he has an edge over you if your friends aren't dating and if your friends are still married with family responsibilities that keep them at home most nights and weekends.)

 

I'm sure you're as attractive and desirable as your dh, but if it starts to feel like he's always going out and having fun, while you're at home doing "mom stuff," I'm worried it might mess with your self-confidence and I hate the thought of that. I know it's not a competition, but it might start to feel like one if you're both living in the same house. If neither of you was interested in dating, I think it would make the situation easier to deal with.

[Scarlett]

This thread makes me so sad I can't stand it.

[Catwoman]

This thread makes me so sad I can't stand it.

Me, too. :(

 

But the positive thing is that Tap is making plans and taking action, and she's thinking things through carefully. That is so important.

 

She's doing everything right.

[kentuckymom]

My best friend from college actually lives with her boyfriend, his (now, but not when they started living together)ex-wife, her son from a former marriage, and the boyfriend and ex's daughter. I don't know how, but they make it work. The boyfriend and ex were separated but not divorced and still living together when my friend met him. They chose not to divorce because she had a good job with benefits and he was self employed. She didn't mind sharing her benefits with him and it made it less complicated for their daughter to get her benefits if they were still married.

 

My friend was in an unhappy marriage when she met her now boyfriend and she moved in with the boyfriend shortly after her divorce. The (not yet)ex-wife was apparently totally okay with this. After a few months she got a job in California and moved there, leaving the daughter. My friend and her boyfriend decided they wanted a change too, so, yes, they moved to California and in with the (still not yet)ex-wife. That only lasted a few months because the boyfriend got a full time job with benefits back in Michigan and my friend, boyfriend, and his daughter moved back. She was still in the midst of a custody battle with her ex over their son, but eventually she got the right to have him for the school year so he moved in with them too.  That lasted about about two years, then the ex-wife decided she wanted more of a hand in raising her daughter and asked if she could move in. They let her.

 

My friend doesn't have a great relationship with her de facto stepdaughter, so she's happy to have the girl's mother in the house to help. Apparently a big reason the marriage ended is that the ex had little to no interest in the bedroom, so my friend has no fear that she'll entice the boyfriend into bed with her or anything like that. 

 

The situation seems utterly weird to me, but everyone  involved seems pretty happy. So, yes, it can work for an amicably divorced couple to live together - in some weird cases even when a romantic partner is introduced into the equation.

[Artichoke]

We know of one successful couple.   They re-modeled the house with an in-law apt with a separate entrance.  Each week the mom and dad traded spaces to be with the kids.  As far as I know, it worked well. 

Edited March 9, 2017 by Artichoke

[Tap]

This is not the typical thing I usually hear from my friends who are divorcing- so maybe this whole living together after divorcing will work out for you.  Wish you the best!

LOL, yeah I guess not.

 

He is a good guy, I am just not in love with him anymore.  We got together at 18yo.  We just grew in very different directions and have vastly different motivations for how we live our lives.

[Tap]

I have seen it work. I have seen it end in disaster too. It all depends on the commitment of both parties. In my experience, there have been more couples in which one person was a LOT more committed to making it work than the other.

 

In all cases, the dating thing was a no no as in you don't get ready for a date here. You take your clothes or whatever, say you are going to a friend's house, going to a work meeting, whatever you need to say to get out of the house without putting the kids in the awkward position of dealing with the "mom or dad is dating OH MY GOSH NO" emotions. It is just too in your face in a way that it wouldn't be if living apart.

 

But yes, I've seen it work out of necessity, and like Crimson said, it was in these cases due to being underwater on a mortgage.

 

I think that if you have ever seen the show "Big Bang Theory" you might want to consider a relationship agreement and a roommate agreement that kind of spells out all the details and each person signs it. You can't enforce it per se, but on the other hand having it all written down and formally agreeing to it might help the salient details stick a bit better.

LOL on Big Bang Theory.....and yep, a relationship agreement would be a great way to go. LOL

[Anne in CA]

LOL, yeah I guess not.

 

He is a good guy, I am just not in love with him anymore.  We got together at 18yo.  We just grew in very different directions and have vastly different motivations for how we live our lives.

That is always what I warn young people who get married. That they THINK they will grow together, but I have not seen it very much. Mostly I have seen what you describe.

[Tap]

This thread makes me so sad I can't stand it.

Yep, it is sad.  But we are doing the best we can in the relationship we have.  Dh and I have been together since we were 18, married since 22.  My goal was to raise our children in an intact home.  We accomplished that. (DD10 is my niece and already has a split home between us and her bio-dad). We have been together over 25 years.  We are amicably spitting up and hopefully will walk out with a friend in the end. 

 

I say that is a win!

[Tap]

That makes a lot of sense. I do think that living with the ex wife will slow down the potential for better women for him, and he may end up with a less desirable woman... That is all I can say about that.

 

I have known two different couples who did live together after divorce rather than split their households and it worked fine for them until they remarried. Then they had to rip off the painful band-aide, so there is that. When you do get divorced you rip off the band aid, you bleed, but then you move on and the shadow of splitting assets does not cover your new romance.

 

I hope that you can make all this work so that YOU have YOUR OWN new life. I worry that if you stay in the suburbs with no garden, all the responsibility of the family you will not get the new life you deserve too.  

LOL yep, dd18 and I were talking about this today. He may have to tell prospects that he is living with a roommate, and just try to skirt the details. LOL    We do live in the very liberal PNW, so if it would be accepted anywhere, it would be here. 

 

 

 

Edited March 9, 2017 by Tap

[Tap]

I think it can work if you both really and truly are no longer attracted to each other and if you are 100% certain you won't be jealous if the other person has a date or gets involved in a relationship.

 

As you already mentioned, you would be understandably resentful if your dh spent marital money to take another woman out on dates. But what about when the money is separate and your dh buys his new girlfriend a beautiful birthday gift that's way nicer than anything he ever bought for you? If you lived separately, you'd never know about it, but if you're living in the same house, you very well might. Would you be okay with that?

 

Basically, I'm worried about your feelings. I'm sure you can handle the situation because you're a strong person, but I don't want to see you being hurt or feeling lonely if it seems like he has a more active dating and/or social life than you have. (If he already has a close friend who's single, he has an edge over you if your friends aren't dating and if your friends are still married with family responsibilities that keep them at home most nights and weekends.)

 

I'm sure you're as attractive and desirable as your dh, but if it starts to feel like he's always going out and having fun, while you're at home doing "mom stuff," I'm worried it might mess with your self-confidence and I hate the thought of that. I know it's not a competition, but it might start to feel like one if you're both living in the same house. If neither of you was interested in dating, I think it would make the situation easier to deal with.

Honestly, I hope he has learned from why our marriage failed.  I hope that he has a wife that he can spoil and who will love his surprises.  I just don't want to pay for that myself.  LOL 

 

 

Edited March 9, 2017 by Tap

[Laura Corin]

I spent several years as a young teenager in such a home.  It didn't work well in our case, but that was due to the hurt involved in the divorce - it was in no way an amicable separation, although there was no screaming in front of the kids.  

 

Good luck with it all - it sounds as if it could work well for you.

[Cinder]

My sister's ex-in-laws did this. It was really confusing the first time I met them because I would have sworn they were divorced but they were in the same house hanging around like old friends.  Well, they were old friends--I guess it was a reasonably amicable divorce. (Prior to this my primary experience with divorce was my own parents who hated each other and only spoke to each other if it was absolutely necessary.)

 

She lived in the big house; he had a smaller dwelling built at the back of the property. (There had been a law passed whereby a family could build a second dwelling on their property so that's what they did.) But he would spend his free time at the big house. According to sis, they dated other people but didn't bring them to the house. And they got along so much better as friends vs married. I don't know too many more details than that, but they lived this way for many years--until they died.

 

This is the only couple I know who lived this way, so I know it's possible. I think it has to be just the right combo of people and living situation to make it work.  :grouphug:

[Guest]

We know of one successful couple.   They re-modeled the house with an in-law apt with a separate entrance.  Each week the mom and dad traded spaces to be with the kids.  As far as I know, it worked well. 

 

Similar to this, I know a family that divorced but in the family house, they made room for separate bedrooms, and then also rented a shared studio apartment.

 

The custody arrangement was exactly the same (50/50) as it would have been if they shuttled the kids back and forth, but the kids stayed home and Mom and Dad came and went.

 

Once one started dating someone seriously, they spent most of their off time at the boy/girlfriend's house, but no dates were brought to the kid's house, ever.

 

This was actually a contentious, difficult (unwanted by one party) and emotional divorce, but when it came to the kids they really sucked it all the way up as far as anyone humanly could.

[Guest]

Yep, it is sad.  But we are doing the best we can in the relationship we have.  Dh and I have been together since we were 18, married since 22.  My goal was to raise our children in an intact home.  We accomplished that. (DD10 is my niece and already has a split home between us and her bio-dad). We have been together over 25 years.  We are amicably spitting up and hopefully will walk out with a friend in the end. 

 

I say that is a win!

 

Have you seen the Louis CK bit about no sad divorce? See also: divorce is forever.

 

[obviously for the ha-ha's...I don't at all mean to bring up or belittle anyone's hurt feelings!!]

[mathnerd]

My friend does this. He has been divorced for 6 years and lives alone in an apartment on weekdays for proximity to work while the ex-wife and the kids live in the family home 30 miles away. He leaves work on Friday nights and goes to their house (which they still jointly own) for the weekends. He has his own bedroom there. He also lives there during school holidays, Summer etc. He returns to his apartment on Mondays after he drops off his kids at school. He does the grocery store run and house maintenance stuff that he can when he is with his ex-wife. He is constantly on the phone with his ex about school, homework, kids' health issues etc etc. They get along well and the ex is a good cook and she cooks all his meals when he is in their house together. The ex-ILs also stay in the same house for extended durations to help out and they get along well with the ex-son-in-law as well.

[Seeking Squirrels]

No experience with it yet but DH and I have considered doing similar. We don't want to split up as we can't financially support two households and we want to keep things stable for the kids. No abuse or other big issues causing a rift, we just don't make a good couple. We get along much better when we just live as friends, which we have done for nearly a year now. We don't have separate rooms but we've discussed that possibility. I don't have any interest in dating right now, but I've been thinking for a while of presenting the option of an "open" marriage to DH and freeing him to see someone if he wants. I have no desire to "make it work" relationship wise with him, but neither do I want to turn our lives upside down and divorce him. I'm actually content with how things are now, the changes would be mostly if he wanted to see someone else since there is no intimacy between the two of us. 

[Lawyer&Mom]

If the divorce is really truly amicable, then why not? Amicable divorces do exist. My dad and step-mom got married in her ex-husband's back yard. My husband's best friend started a band with his ex-wife's new boyfriend. Both of these couples had gotten married young, decided they no longer fit together as a couple but remainded really good friends.

[Janie Grace]

These stories of people who divorce but remain friends are really amazing. My parents were the exact opposite, and I just cannot imagine how much better it would have been for my sister and me if they had been kind to each other. 

 

I think the main thing is continuing to show respect for each other... not just not fighting but refraining from eye-rolling, running the other person down to or in front of the kids, etc. A lot of my damage came from the revulsion/disrespect my parents had for each other. Each of those parents are one-half of who I am and where I came from. It was very hard not to take their denigration of each other as denigration of me. I know it makes no sense (since I am my own person), but that was my experience, though it took me years to understand why their attitudes hurt so personally. So if you can be around each other and not give off vibes of "what a loser," I say go for it.

[J-rap]

I think my main concern would be for the children.  We had a relative who did this with her husband.  Not for economical reasons, but to keep their family intact while their children were still young.  They had separate bedrooms and did adult social activities on their own, though they still did family activities together.  They did that until their youngest graduated from high school, and then within months moved out and began the divorce proceedings.  However, they committed to not dating all those years.  Their children really came first.  They didn't want to make things doubly confusing or awkward for their children by dating other people.  Of course I'm sad for their divorce, because they are both really great people, but I respect how they handled it

[gstharr]

My neighbors have been doing this for a long time.  The wife still does not work. I don't them know well enough to do know why she doesn't, or the details of their agreement.  Just seems strange never seeing them driving off together.

[Liz CA]

What is his stance on this?

[Ravin]

If your only motivation to separate assets is not wanting to resent date money, why not work out a budget and lay down in writing between yourselves what money is fairly spent on oneself (dating would fall under this) vs. the family/house/community spending? 

 

That would be much simpler than doing all the paperwork to put back the stuff from legal obligations of marriage you say you want to keep.

[Tap]

If your only motivation to separate assets is not wanting to resent date money, why not work out a budget and lay down in writing between yourselves what money is fairly spent on oneself (dating would fall under this) vs. the family/house/community spending?

 

That would be much simpler than doing all the paperwork to put back the stuff from legal obligations of marriage you say you want to keep.

I really think we are divorcing for the right reasons. Potentially dating and having our financial lives separate is just one part of what would be different then vs now. I think it would be easier to be independent if we had financial autonomy.

Edited March 9, 2017 by Tap

[Tap]

What is his stance on this?

I don't know.  We both agree that we get along fine as friends.  We have both agreed that divorcing and having 2 households, is going to ruin us financially ($$medical bills). We both have fairly independent lives as it is, so really the major difference will be financial autonomy from one-another, and potential other relationships. 

 

We have lived as roommates for several years, but under the guise that we are still married and are a couple. We have slept in separate rooms for 12 years.  Very few people know the truth of the situation, only those who spend time in our home really know or his BFFS that he has talked to. I am seeing a counselor to help me work though my thoughts on finalizing the divorce or trying to make our marriage work. I hadn't mentioned the idea to her because I thought it was idealistic of me to think it could work. But she actually brought it up as a possibility given the details (especially the medical situation of our daughters) and financial situation. 

 

I would rather think about it and make sure I think I can make it work on my side, before I bring it up to him. I think he will go for it, otherwise he will need to move out, because all 3 kids plan to stay with me when we split.  He won't need a house this size for just him.

Edited March 9, 2017 by Tap

[Lawyer&Mom]

I don't understand why you would divorce if it would be financially ruinous. You can separate, legally and physically, and stay married. I have a family member who was married to his wife for 20 years, until her death, after their separation. They never divorced so that she could stay on his health insurance. They lived completely separate lives, but staying married is what worked best for them.

[Tap]

I don't understand why you would divorce if it would be financially ruinous. You can separate, legally and physically, and stay married. I have a family member who was married to his wife for 20 years, until her death, after their separation. They never divorced so that she could stay on his health insurance. They lived completely separate lives, but staying married is what worked best for them.

To legally break the ties financially and to make it final.  It is a way to protect each other from financial or legal issues.

 

Financial ruin would happen if we divorce and try to have 2 households on the same income we do now.  

Edited March 9, 2017 by Tap

[FaithManor]

I don't understand why you would divorce if it would be financially ruinous. You can separate, legally and physically, and stay married. I have a family member who was married to his wife for 20 years, until her death, after their separation. They never divorced so that she could stay on his health insurance. They lived completely separate lives, but staying married is what worked best for them.

Because that is crazy dangerous. The other person can run up debts and all manner of liability and due to not being divorced, the other person is stuck with the fall out.

[Lawyer&Mom]

I was imagining a legal separation. Depending on the state this can shield the spouse from the debts and liabilities of the other.

[Ravin]

I was imagining a legal separation. Depending on the state this can shield the spouse from the debts and liabilities of the other.

 

A legal separation while remaining in a household together might not fly, again depending on the state, or even the judge.

[Lawyer&Mom]

A legal separation while remaining in a household together might not fly, again depending on the state, or even the judge.

Absolutely true.

[zoobie]

A legal separation while remaining in a household together might not fly, again depending on the state, or even the judge.

 

I have known of one where the husband lived in the in-law suite downstairs (separate entrance, etc.) and the wife lived upstairs. They remained together because of a daughter with severe special needs. They could easily switch off caretaking without disrupting the child at all. 

[myfunnybunch]

My husband and I are in the process of doing something similar right now, for financial reasons and to keep the kids' lives and homeschooling stable.

 

We are both in counseling, as a couple and individually, and see a counselor who has helped couples navigate this kind of transition. FWIW, the counselor says it's more common than most people realize because many couples do not share it outside their circle of closest friends.

 

We are currently in the process of figuring out an agreement about relationship/emotional boundaries (continued counseling, sharing household responsibilities, discussing the possibility of future dating before it becomes a pressing issue, communication, mutual respect) and plan to come to a general agreement about finances, custody, and other legal issues, both now and if we decide to divorce, before visiting an attorney to draw up a postnuptial agreement.

 

One of the most important pieces for me is that we've agreed to a scheduled formal check-in periodically, with a promise of rigorous honesty, so that we can decide individually and as a team whether the situation is working. It really will have to work for everyone if it's going to create the kind of environment we want to maintain for our children.