Room mate problems

[kewb]

My son called me last night to tell me that his room mate went to the RA with a list of complaints against my son and wants my son to move out of the room.

My son is not perfect. And some of the complaints are legit and my son had already taken steps to correct. Which the room mate left out of his complaints.

The irreconcilable difference is my son wakes him up when he comes in late. Which is certainly legit as this is new habit of my son. There are 5 open beds in the dorm. We told our son that the RA needs to find out if the other 5 are also early to bed. If they are then ds becomes the problem. If the others are all early to bed then the room mate is the one who has to move.

 

Ds forwarded me the text the room mate sent him about it and I am pretty ticked off over the language this young adult used. It really had a threatening undertone and was designed to make my son look bad. As in room mate had lodged the complaint, spoke to residence life on what my son has to do to move out, and how this will be the best solution.

 

Like I said, my son has not been an angel but some of the things the room mate has taken issue with are the cost of sharing a room versus an issue such as the being woken up when do comes back to the room.

 

My son wants to just move out and be done with it and my dh and I are telling him no. You have to go through the RA for mediation and have a paper trail to cover his behind as the room mate is clearly doing this.

 

So aggravated that the room mate let everything just fester and until the year was almost over.

Edited March 4, 2017 by kewb

[TammyS]

The first thing I would tell son is to send a text to the room mate, that ONLY says that "my policy is to handle all conflict issues in person, so if you would like to set an appointment with the RA, I will be happy to meet with you both.  Do not text me again."  And then block roommates number. 

 

When people text, they allow themselves to act like idiots.  Nothing is going to be resolved through text, so I would just end that line of communication as being both unproductive and wasteful.

 

Then they should meet with the RA to mediate the situation, before anyone thinks of moving.  Moving should be the LAST resort, not the first.  It will do neither of these guys any good to just run away from their problems with other people.  In real life, you almost never have the option of just getting rid of a person with whom you have conflict.  This could actually be a huge growth opportunity for them both, if it is handled in the right way.

[kewb]

Thank you. Had not thought about blocking room mates number.

 

Room mate already went to the RA. When the RA brought up some of the issues and a possible solution he was surprised that ds had already done that. Room mate left out everything ds has done to remediate the situation.

 

Hence why we told our son to email the RA and tell him he wants to do mediation. And to deal with this with an email trail. In life there will always be these situations and you have to deal with them not just avoid them.

Edited March 4, 2017 by kewb

[OneStepAtATime]

Roommate and your son need to meet in person with the RA to try and resolve the issues.  I agree, have a paper trail of communication but try to keep communication to a minimum until they can work out clear WRITTEN guidelines with the RA for conflict resolution.  And if I were your son I would document each and every time issues arise and how it is handled.  Hugs and best wishes.

[kewb]

Thank you.

[kewb]

My son has emailed the RA to say he wants to do mediation as he realized having to switch rooms at this juncture would be detrimental to his studies.

Due to his executive function challenges he does have difficulty seeing other points of view. Since he was calmer today I was able to get him to acknowledge that just because he thinks the room mate is making mountains out of molehills that the roommates perception of the issues matters. And have some merit.

Hopefully the mediation will work.

[QuirkyKapers]

The roommate also has a choice, he can move out as well.  If your son doesn't want to move, I would definitely do mediation with the RA.  In the end, your son still doesn't have to move out.  His roommate can if he is still upset. 

Edited March 4, 2017 by QuirkyKapers

[daijobu]

Have your son take screen shots of the threatening texts and save them to the cloud.  Consider telling the roommate that you have done so.  Consider sharing these threats with the RA.  Is the RA also an undergraduate?  Consider agreeing to mediation only if an on campus housing official or dean is present.  

 

All these suggestions may escalate the situation, so think carefully about these options.  

[Bootsie]

My son has emailed the RA to say he wants to do mediation as he realized having to switch rooms at this juncture would be detrimental to his studies.

Not having much information about the situation, I would encourage him to try to work this out with roommate.  But, sometimes roommates just aren't compatible and there can be better roommate combinations.  I am curious as to why switching rooms at this point would be harmful to his studies.  Most college students do not have that much in their rooms and can move within a few hours.  From a time and energy standpoint, that may be less costly than meeting with the RA for mediation, resolving issues, talking to parents about it, and so forth.  I realize it could be an annoyance, but would it really be such a bad thing?  Would a different roommate situation help him focus on his studies?

[kewb]

Not having much information about the situation, I would encourage him to try to work this out with roommate.  But, sometimes roommates just aren't compatible and there can be better roommate combinations.  I am curious as to why switching rooms at this point would be harmful to his studies.  Most college students do not have that much in their rooms and can move within a few hours.  From a time and energy standpoint, that may be less costly than meeting with the RA for mediation, resolving issues, talking to parents about it, and so forth.  I realize it could be an annoyance, but would it really be such a bad thing?  Would a different roommate situation help him focus on his studies?

 

It would be detrimental because of his executive function challeges.  The stress of having to switch rooms would likely set him on a downward spiral.

However, I do see your point.  The issue that will be the most challenging to fix would be the room mates complaint that ds wakes him up when he gets back to the room late. Our take on that is that if the other room options are also full of early to bed people then he just becoming someone elses problem and nothing is fixed. 

Based on what ds is telling me now, they were not a good match from the beginning but up until the complaint to the RA ds thought they were co-existing reasonably well. According to ds the room mate often goes home on the weekends and there class schedules are different so they are often not in the room at the same time.

 

The RA is also and undergraduate.  Making sure an adult is part of the process is something to consider.

 

I think what has been most shocking about this to me is the fact that the room mate decided he wanted my son to move and even went so far as to find out what my son had to do to make that happen.  And sent it to him in a text.  My contrarian personality says "To heck with him, he is the one with the problem so he should move."  However, that is not mature or rational.   I explained to ds that moving might ultimately be the right solution but the proper steps have to be taken.  The room mate doesn't get to decide for ds what the solution is.

[Bootsie]

 

The RA is also and undergraduate.  Making sure an adult is part of the process is something to consider.

 

I know the quality will vary from university to university, but even though the RA is an undergraduate he will have received training on how to deal with these situations, including the university's policies and guidance of when to bring in a higher up in the university system to deal with the problems.  I have worked at some universities where the process of changing roommates is very easy and students are encouraged to move as desired; I have worked at other universities that have a policy of changing roommates during a semester being a last resort and highly discouraged.

[maize]

I know the quality will vary from university to university, but even though the RA is an undergraduate he will have received training on how to deal with these situations, including the university's policies and guidance of when to bring in a higher up in the university system to deal with the problems. I have worked at some universities where the process of changing roommates is very easy and students are encouraged to move as desired; I have worked at other universities that have a policy of changing roommates during a semester being a last resort and highly discouraged.

Training for RA's is extremely variable.

 

I don't remember receiving any guidance on how to handle roommate issues when I was an RA.

[bettyandbob]

So the room mate is hoping to get to spend half a semester in a single room?

[kewb]

So the room mate is hoping to get to spend half a semester in a single room?

It does seem that way.

[regentrude]

It would be detrimental because of his executive function challeges.  The stress of having to switch rooms would likely set him on a downward spiral.

 

 

Then I suggest that your DS works with the Office of Disabilities Services. They may be able to assist in the process. It sounds as if this is more complicated than a normal incompatibility between room mates. You mentioned that he was unaware that there is a problem, so maybe he is also unaware of the details of the issues, and bringing in somebody who understands executive function challenges might be helpful for both him and the room mate.

[Bootsie]

Training for RA's is extremely variable.

 

I don't remember receiving any guidance on how to handle roommate issues when I was an RA.

 

I am sure that it varies widely from school to school, but I would think that most schools provide training on this topic today.  DD is an RA had underwent extensive training--almost 2 weeks of training before the beginning of the semester and it continues during the semester.  All of the RAs in her zone of campus meet with the Resident Coordinator once a week and each RA meets with the Resident Coordinator for a one-on-one meeting at least every other week.  So, any brewing issues between roommates or problems within the dorm get fed up to the administration very quickly.   (Of course she can call the Resident Coordinator 24/7 if anything needs to be discussed more quickly--and she has done this from time to time.)  

 

I know at the school where I teach and the school where DH teaches, RAs also go through extensive training. 

Edited March 5, 2017 by jdahlquist

[8filltheheart]

Then I suggest that your DS works with the Office of Disabilities Services. They may be able to assist in the process. It sounds as if this is more complicated than a normal incompatibility between room mates. You mentioned that he was unaware that there is a problem, so maybe he is also unaware of the details of the issues, and bringing in somebody who understands executive function challenges might be helpful for both him and the room mate.

 

I think this is excellent advice.  

[katilac]

Training for RA's is extremely variable.

 

I don't remember receiving any guidance on how to handle roommate issues when I was an RA.

 

I really hope your memory is failing you!

[maize]

I really hope your memory is failing you!

It is certainly possible. I think I've donated half my brain cells to my kids...

[gingersmom]

My daughter had roommate issues freshman year and talking to the RA was the biggest waste of time.

 

My daughter did not want to switch rooms and so stuck it out. She actually spent 90% of her time in other friends rooms.

 

I'm trying to convince my son he wants a single room for exactly this reason. I know he will not be able to stand up to a roommate bullying him.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Does the roommate have realistic expectations?

 

I would expect someone coming back after say 11 pm to a dark room to not chat, not bring back others and not turn on all the lights.

 

I would not think a room mate going to bed at 9 should expect a dark and silent room.

 

I spent many years sharing a room with people getting up at 11pm or 3am to go on watch. You can do it with a minimal amount of fuss. You can also learn to ignore a fair amount as long as it is courteous and of short duration.

[kewb]

I don't know. According to ds he enters as quietly as possible. Doesn't turn on the lights. Changes into his pajamas and gets into bed. Ds' bed is next to the door so it is not like he is going far into to the room. Room mate may just be a light sleeper.

Hopefully, I will get more information tonight from ds.

 

Tbh, I think I am mostly annoyed that the room mate waited until their were 8 weeks left to the school year before making a stink. Seems like the kind of festering that should have been dealt with sooner. But then I try to remember that I am not living there.

Edited March 6, 2017 by kewb

[JudoMom]

I don't know. According to ds he enters as quietly as possible. Doesn't turn on the lights. Changes into his pajamas and gets into bed. Ds' bed is next to the door so it is not like he is going far into to the room. Room mate may just be a light sleeper.

Hopefully, I will get more information tonight from ds.

 

Tbh, I think I am mostly annoyed that the room mate waited until their were 8 weeks left to the school year before making a stink. Seems like the kind of festering that should have been dealt with sooner. But then I try to remember that I am not living there.

It's possible he's struggling in his classes and has decided to take it out on your son.

 

I do hope it gets resolved with minimal impact to your son.

[SanDiegoMom]

This situation really makes me wonder. My roommate was a night owl, staying up until 1 am, and I went to bed around 10. I got up at 7 and she slept usually til 11. It sucked sometimes but we made it work. Would have never thought about going to the RA. We just tried to be quiet and if we needed to we would have used ear plugs. Like I did when my husband used to get up at 4 am for a flight!

[J-rap]

Do you think there is some other issue going on, and roommate is just looking for an excuse?

[Roadrunner]

I don't know the details, but I would say it's hard enough to live in a tiny room with a roommate when you get along. If those two aren't getting along, and based on the complaint it's clear they aren't, I would seriously consider the alternative living arrangement. It was fairly common when I was in college to change roommates. However, usually the one who is unhappy tends to move out. I would say your DS should accommodate within reason (it was routine in my college for kids to get back late from practice rooms and /or library) and if the roommate is still unhappy, he should be the one finding the alternative living arrangement. I don't understand why your son is being asked to move since he is not the one complaining. I used to be an RA, and I have never received any training. :)

[Night Elf]

My dd went through something similar about 2 weeks before the end of last semester. Her roommate went to the RA with complaints then she flat out told my dd to move out. Dd was so upset she just wanted to move to get out of the situation. But after a day or so, the roommate suddenly moved out without even telling my dd she was going to. Dd got a new roommate a week before the end of the semester and they get along much better. When the complaint first happened, I told dd to stand her ground. I believe the person having the trouble is the one who needs to move out. Moving is a hassle. She had much more than just one trip would have so it would have taken quite a while. When her roommate moved out, she texted my dd to stay out of the room for the next 3 hours while she moved all her stuff.

 

The RA didn't really help. They had one meeting together without a specific solution. Dd didn't know the old roommate was moving out until she got the text saying stay away from the room for the next 3 hours. Dd knew there were problems but she thought they were doing fairly well considering they were different people sharing a small space.

[kewb]

Spoke to my son today and he has emailed the RA and said he wants to do the mediation. And he also emailed the residence coordinator that the room mate already spoke with to discuss the situation.

I still feel like room mate has the problem and room mate should leave.

I did also suggest some things ds could do to keep the peace even though he doesn't feel he should have to.

[kewb]

So, my son had mediation yesterday. It did not go well. Room mate wouldn't agree to anything and said ds has to move because he was in the room first. And the RA agreed with that.

Ds was very upset last night.

Dh was rightly ticked off at the lack of mediation and we told ds he needs to go to the RA boss and discuss this. The room mate doesn't have squatters rights. We explained to ds that if his coming in late in the issue and the open beds are with early to bed people then they are just making ds someone else's problem and that is not right.

[bettyandbob]

In the room first?

 

I'd get involved. I'd contact housing and ask what the heck. Dorm contract are usually by the semester, with no move required if you stay fall and spring. Just because someone unloaded their car a day earlier does not give that person more rights. You paid the contract the rights are equal.

[Guest]

..

Edited March 9, 2017 by Heigh Ho

[Bootsie]

So, my son had mediation yesterday. It did not go well. Room mate wouldn't agree to anything and said ds has to move because he was in the room first. And the RA agreed with that.

 

When the roommate says he was in the room first, does he mean he arrived at the beginning of the semester to move in an hour earlier?  Or, was he in the room a previous semester with another roommate?  

 

What is the setup of the dorm room?  Is it simply a two-person room or is it in any type of suite situation where there are suitemates could be called in to help with the situation?

[kewb]

Dorm set up is old school double room. 2 beds, 2 desks, 2 dressers.

Room mate moves in a week early because he is on the soccer team.

Room mate arranged the room so he had the side by the window. Ds's bed is next to the door. Literally walks in the room. Shut the door and there is his bed. I don't know how much noise he could possibly be making since he doesn't have to go far into the room.

 

I am waiting to hear how it went today so we can determine if we need to get involved.

Edited March 9, 2017 by kewb

[Bootsie]

Are the open beds that are available in the same dorm?  I am wondering if roommate has soccer teammates nearby that he is wanting to remain near.

 

Is there the possibility that he has another person who wants to move in the room with him?  If he is trying to room with someone in particular, if that individual is in a room with someone else then he can't just simply move there.  

 

Is the roommate willing to pay for a single room the rest of the semester?

 

I am not suggesting that these are reasons for your son to be the one who needs to move.  I am just wondering what is motivating the roommate to stay rather than move if he is the one being annoyed by the current situation.

[bettyandbob]

By waiting part way into the semester the room mate probably avoids single room fees.

[kewb]

Yes, there are empty beds. I am sure the room mate has his reasons for being such a butt at this juncture. Since I am a petty person, I am now angry I wasted any time being nice to that kid.

[goldberry]

So, my son had mediation yesterday. It did not go well. Room mate wouldn't agree to anything and said ds has to move because he was in the room first. And the RA agreed with that.

 

 

 

Room mate moves in a week early because he is on the soccer team.

 

 

Umm, no.  Who got to the room first has nothing to do with it.  That sounds nuts.

[kewb]

Spoke to my son. He met with RA's supervisor and went over everything with him. He already knew about the situation. End result is that room mate is being a butt and ds can dig his heels in as firmly as the room mate or just move.

He decided to move because continuing to fight this is to stressful and he doesn't want the distraction.

Not the result we wanted but at least. Y son can say he conducted himself well and have the impression of being the normal one. Told him to continue taking the high road. However, ds does not find taking the high road satisfying in the short term. Told him I know, but in the long term being the normal one gets him the recommendation and they will remember that room mate was a butthole.

[poppy]

I complained to my RA late in the year my freshman year. It wasn't to manipulate housing stock or whatever , just anxiety and introversion let things build for a long time...

 

I'm not defending the roommate , just saying, I wouldn't automatically ascribe the timing or guile or selfishness. Everyone has their own own burdens.

 

I'm glad your son choose the path of least stress and hope for all smooth sailing ahead.

[Bootsie]

I know this isn't the outcome you were hoping for, but I hope it works out well.  Hopefully it will reduce your son's stress and end up being a good move for him.  

[RootAnn]

I hope they can find your ds a roommate that is late-to-bed & flexible to room with. (I bet there will be some tension since that person has had the room to themselves up until now & will have to share for the remainder of the year. Tough situation!)

 

:grouphug:

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I moved during spring break one year because another set of roommates got into a huge fight.  I didn't have a choice about moving, but was just told that it was happening in order to separate the other two.  (Don't ask about details, as they aren't important.)

 

In the end it was for the best.  It separated two people who were in conflict.  It made one of them realize that she had been acting callously.  My new roommate and I ended up being great friends and rooming together two more years.  

 

I would, however, suggest your son have a member of the RA staff be present when he moves his stuff out.  It sounds like the roommate is not above being manipulative and selective in his storytelling.