Daydreams, honesty, privacy, and my mind that won't shut off

[fairfarmhand]

Here's something that I struggle with.

 

My mind is constantly moving, thinking, agonizing over things, making up stories, and going off on "what if" tangents.

 

The result of this is that I tend to think think think stuff over and make mental shifts. My inner world is rather private and I have to process stuff on my own. I don't pull others into this churning vortex of emotions, daydreaming, and analyzing things until I've come to a conclusion.

 

This can be very off putting to those closest to them because I can make a big mental shift in what seems an "out of the blue" manner.

 

So because they've not seen the hours of analyzing, playing devils advocate, researching, and playing with ideas, they're really caught off guard. They sometimes seem to feel that I'm hiding things (not really my intention, just a really private person) and I'm not open with them.

 

How do you foster intimacy with others when you have this kind of personality. I'm not ready to share everything that goes on in my head all the time. There are many ideas that are analyzed, discarded and never mentioned to those around me because they didn't need to be discussed. I already tossed the idea out.

 

My intention is never to shut others out, but this intense, vibrant interior life surprises people quite often.

 

Like "What do you mean you want to learn x? You've never said a word about that in the past."

 

or

 

"You think x,y, and z are good ideas? How in the world does that make sense?"

 

So am I the only one who struggles with this? I don't want my loved ones to get the sense that they can't ever really "know" me. But at the same time, sharing all that goes on in my head would be totally overwhelming if not impractical. Not enough hours in the day.

[poppy]

You call it an intense and vibrant inner life.... are you happy?

 

That's how I used to be, and I was utterly miserable.  Constant gnawing worry, My mind would always go to the worst case scenario.  Suggestions for changes to plans were a catastrophe.  I'm already worrying about four steps ahead and you want to change everything?

 

It was really hard to be me, and I imagine it was hard to live with  me too.

 

But, I have a pretty serious anxiety disorder. Maybe it is different for you.

[SKL]

"I've been thinking ...."  "I've given this a lot of thought lately."  "I've been turning this over and over in my mind."  "My thoughts on this are still evolving."  "I am still struggling with this question."  "I was reading something that made me consider ___."  "I've noticed a pattern after observing for __ time."

[maize]

I'm a bit like this. My husband sometimes perceives me as being impulsive when I make a decision--to him it looks like the decision came out of the blue, when in fact it is something that has been brewing in my head possibly for months or even years.

 

I have learned to try to let him in on ideas that I am considering if they are things that might impact him. It's a two-edged sword though as he will sometimes take those ideas

as set in stone when in fact they are not.

[fairfarmhand]

You call it an intense and vibrant inner life.... are you happy?

 

That's how I used to be, and I was utterly miserable.  Constant gnawing worry, My mind would always go to the worst case scenario.  Suggestions for changes to plans were a catastrophe.  I'm already worrying about four steps ahead and you want to change everything?

 

It was really hard to be me, and I imagine it was hard to live with  me too.

 

But, I have a pretty serious anxiety disorder. Maybe it is different for you.

Yes, I am happy. I'm not worrying or trying to work out future problems. It's more like I'll daydream about a completely unlikely scenario..and that'll morph into, hey, I should take up clogging. Or go back to school to study whatever...

 

Really, homeschooling ended up like this. Started out as Kindergarten for just this one year, and morphed into a whole lifestyle thing.

 

I have just accepted that I have to explain my thought process sometimes. This means that added to my thought process, is the imagined conversation. I go over the explanation in my mind a few times to make it as "efficient" as possible. I don't share every thought process, idea, etc, but I recognize that not everyone will follow me so I will share the most relevant bits of the most relevant information when necessary. Kind of like writing a clear and concise story or forum post.

Thanks, This is helpful.

[bolt.]

I've got a vibrant inner life, but people around me don't express surprise when I make decisions or express my ideas in conclusion form.

 

What would make people think you haven't been using your brain in between the times you've been talking to them? That's pretty self-centred of them. I'd be insulted.

 

I'd probably say, "If you'd like to hear a bit about how I reached this idea, just ask nicely, and I'll share. It's not 'nice' to just assume I'm jumping to conclusions instead of thinking things through. Of course I thought it through." -- Or, maybe, " Why would I mention it before? I didn't have any reason to mention it 'before'. I don't usually mention things before I know what I think/want do I?"

 

(I really don't like it when people imply that they think they have an important role in me reaching my own opinions. It's usually men, and they usually want to babysit me instead of listen to me... What I mean is that people who want to 'listen with respect' are fine with it with it when I already know what I think. Patronizing people are the ones who want to walk me through it. Seriously: I've got this. If I have questions for 'you', I'll ask 'you'. Otherwise, I'm a grown human and can mind my own shop thank-you-very-much.)

[fairfarmhand]

I've got a vibrant inner life, but people around me don't express surprise when I make decisions or express my ideas in conclusion form.

 

 

No, nobody's being patronizing here.

 

:)

 

I think it;s just that I have a few people in my life who process things out loud with others. And when I've reached a full conclusion without that, they're thrown off guard.

 

I don't want to shut people out or make them feel that I'm secretive, but I'm not always wanting to chat about where I'm headed with every idea in my head. Because many of them are discarded.

 

Others don't understand all this. And I want them to feel at ease with me, not always wondering what she's going to come up with next! I want them to feel that they know me.

 

 

[bolt.]

You want people to feel like they know you... By trying to help them imagine that you process thoughts the same way they do, and sort of semi-camouflaging from them an awareness of the way you actually process thoughts?

 

That's kinda worth thinking about whether you really want to 'be known' or just want people to have a warm feeling as if they know you. I'm not trying to be insulting. From my perspective, I'm ok with both possibilities in various situations (depending how close I really want people to be to 'the real me').

 

If what you are looking for just the skills to help people not feel excluded from a process that doesn't really involve them (and doesn't need to) I think 'preamble' helps, and so does 'checking and pausing'.

 

Preamble is just announcing (using way more sentences than nessisary) that 'I've been thinking this through'. It creates a narrative context for the conclusion. It's not walking people through the thoughts themselves, it's just letting them in on when/where/how/how long the thinking process happened.

 

Checking and pausing is when you select a decision factor detail that the other people would be familiar with -- one that you've already incorporated and are satisfied with. But you ask them to confirm that detail or fact. Then you pause and appear to be thinking, then you say the conclusion.

 

Example: "When you saw Harry Potter, you enjoyed that right? Do you think it's good for kids ours' age?" (He gives the expected response.) "Hmmm, yes, then, I think I will do a HP themed birthday party for her."

[fraidycat]

When I introduce ideas out of the blue, I might start with "I've been thinking..." or "An idea just came to me..."

 

But, even if I just say "I want to do x.", I've never gotten a reaction like you describe - that I'm hiding things. I don't understand how I could be accused of hiding it because I just said it out loud at that moment. It might start a conversation with questions to be answered, but that's normal. I ask questions about new ideas, too.

[poppy]

No, nobody's being patronizing here.

 

:)

 

I think it;s just that I have a few people in my life who process things out loud with others. And when I've reached a full conclusion without that, they're thrown off guard.

 

I don't want to shut people out or make them feel that I'm secretive, but I'm not always wanting to chat about where I'm headed with every idea in my head. Because many of them are discarded.

 

Others don't understand all this. And I want them to feel at ease with me, not always wondering what she's going to come up with next! I want them to feel that they know me.

 

I know a few people like that. My minister calls herself an "external processor".

I personally think she's a bit controlling and she just wants you to think you're invested in decisions.

"I've been thinking we should consider _____. What do you think?" Patiently listens to answers.  Steers conversation to where she wanted it to go in the first place.

 

If that sounds cynical, it's just because it's probably so different from me.

External processors intend to come to conclusions as a group, and become skilled at using verbal persuasion.

People who aren't like that-- us introverts and daydreamers -- take away the "fun" of conversation, take it from being a friendly collaboration. And also remove their ability to influence.

Is what, I think, you are running into.

[cjzimmer1]

I'm very much like this.  Even if I wanted to explain the inner process to someone I couldn't because that would involve a whole lot more talking than I am capable of in a day.  However, most of the ideas I'm tossing around involve researching something or another so DH knows I'm up to something when he see lots of tabs open on my computer for a new subject.  And if they don't I can usually satisfy him in a sentence or two.  Recently he saw me with the tape measurer.  He was like "UH Oh, I thought you said we didn't have the money to buy new stuff right now".  I told him I wasn't buying anything, he had mentioned a few months ago about not liking the placement of a certain piece of furniture and I was working on ideas of where else to move the piece.  He was surprised since he had long forgotten he made the comment but I was just getting the time and mental energy to contemplate his request. So that's his one and only clue. One of these days when I have it all worked out in my head, I will end up moving about 6 different things around and most likely he will come home from work one day and find everything shuffled.

 

DH is one who likes to share every idea that crosses his mind and will evaluate it later but he has learned I'm pretty much the opposite and by the time he hears about something I've already made up my mind.

[MysteryJen]

That is exactly the way I am. It has taken a long time, but dh finally just accepted that that is the way I am. I do not process things aloud, nor do quite a few of the kids, so he has learned a little the hard way. The most annoying question in the world for lots of people in the house is "What are you thinking about?" 

 

I also have learned that this is indeed annoying to him, so I do leave a little rabbit trail. A mention here and there of something new, or an idea about the house.

 

But really, having to explain thoughts out loud, before I have come to my own conclusions feels incredibly claustrophobic and draining.

[The Girls' Mom]

My dh and I both are like this, and ironically often fail to see it in each other.  The net result is that we tend to not communicate very well, and get flustered with "new" ideas popping out of our mouths..lol.  

 

I don't feel like it makes me not know him, it just makes me a little less sure of what his plans/goals are.  He often thinks major things through without mentioning them to me until he's already reached a decision. (frustrating when it affects me too)

He does see me as kind of closed off (I am, I admit).  My mind is a very private place where I work out all my dreams and inner demons (with a horrific childhood, there are a lot of those floating around), and there are large parts of me that I don't really want to share with anyone, even my spouse.  But, I don't think it makes me any less friendly or warm, just private.

[Mimm]

Oh you sound just like me! I'm also a bit sensitive to having my ideas dismissed or criticized as if I haven't thought them through and my husband has a tenancy to do this. He's very uncompromising and he's always right. So I tend to avoid certain topics with him. Important topics. He cares for me very much and doesn't mean to shut me down and is distressed when he realizes that I don't share with him, but can't seem to change communication patterns that lead to this. We struggle with this. I consider myself pretty closed off and aloof but I am not sure how to open up to people more easily. There is no one in my life I can be totally open with. He's even gotten very frustrated when he knew I was mulling something over but didn't want to talk to him. I had to actually point out that he wasn't entitled to my thoughts. This seems to have not occurred to him. (Not trying to make him sound like a monster. We're just very very different and he wants to know what I'm thinking because he cares.)

 

My mother has reacted very badly when I've come up with an opinion that disagrees with her own, absolutely dismissing in a very hurtful way that I could have actually thought about why I believe this. Her reaction causes me to not want to share in the future, which causes my ideas to come even more out of the blue and so on.

 

One of my daughters processes ideas out loud, in communication with others and I find it utterly exhausting to be around. My other daughter is much more like me, an inner life I can see churning under the surface that I catch a glimpse of every so often. :)

[J-rap]

I'm like this in many ways, though most of my conclusions aren't too drastic from what they were before so I guess most people aren't too surprised!  However, in recent years I've really worked harder to vocalize some of the thought processes going on inside my head (especially with my husband and children).   I've come to the conclusion that our thoughts can easily get skewed when we keep working them over and over in our minds.  I think getting input from people in our lives who are wise and balanced can help keep our thought processes moving along in healthy ways.

 

I'm not saying this is your case, and I get what you're saying.  I guess in your situation I'd probably just begin those conversations with others by saying, "After doing some thinking..."

[fairfarmhand]

I'm very much like this. Even if I wanted to explain the inner process to someone I couldn't because that would involve a whole lot more talking than I am capable of in a day. However, most of the ideas I'm tossing around involve researching something or another so DH knows I'm up to something when he see lots of tabs open on my computer for a new subject. And if they don't I can usually satisfy him in a sentence or two. Recently he saw me with the tape measurer. He was like "UH Oh, I thought you said we didn't have the money to buy new stuff right now". I told him I wasn't buying anything, he had mentioned a few months ago about not liking the placement of a certain piece of furniture and I was working on ideas of where else to move the piece. He was surprised since he had long forgotten he made the comment but I was just getting the time and mental energy to contemplate his request. So that's his one and only clue. One of these days when I have it all worked out in my head, I will end up moving about 6 different things around and most likely he will come home from work one day and find everything shuffled.

 

DH is one who likes to share every idea that crosses his mind and will evaluate it later but he has learned I'm pretty much the opposite and by the time he hears about something I've already made up my mind.

this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about!

 

I don't intentionally try to keep people off balance but sometimes that's what happens.

 

Guess it's never boring around us internal processors! I've gotten better about sharing the direction I'm heading but it's still a struggle. I'm a perfectionist and very sensitive to criticism, even well meaning criticism so I like having all the angles thought out before I say anything to anyone.

 

 

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[lllll]

nm

Edited November 30, 2016 by cathey

[Bluegoat]

Here's something that I struggle with.

 

My mind is constantly moving, thinking, agonizing over things, making up stories, and going off on "what if" tangents.

 

The result of this is that I tend to think think think stuff over and make mental shifts. My inner world is rather private and I have to process stuff on my own. I don't pull others into this churning vortex of emotions, daydreaming, and analyzing things until I've come to a conclusion.

 

This can be very off putting to those closest to them because I can make a big mental shift in what seems an "out of the blue" manner.

 

So because they've not seen the hours of analyzing, playing devils advocate, researching, and playing with ideas, they're really caught off guard. They sometimes seem to feel that I'm hiding things (not really my intention, just a really private person) and I'm not open with them.

 

How do you foster intimacy with others when you have this kind of personality. I'm not ready to share everything that goes on in my head all the time. There are many ideas that are analyzed, discarded and never mentioned to those around me because they didn't need to be discussed. I already tossed the idea out.

 

My intention is never to shut others out, but this intense, vibrant interior life surprises people quite often.

 

Like "What do you mean you want to learn x? You've never said a word about that in the past."

 

or

 

"You think x,y, and z are good ideas? How in the world does that make sense?"

 

So am I the only one who struggles with this? I don't want my loved ones to get the sense that they can't ever really "know" me. But at the same time, sharing all that goes on in my head would be totally overwhelming if not impractical. Not enough hours in the day.

 

I'm a lot like this.  My problem is often a little different - sometimes when the situation calls for a response, if I am very emotional I really can't give one until I've had a good while to calm down and think it through.  So it seems to people - my dh most often - that I am not responding to something important.

 

With more everyday things, I do try and make an effort to share my thoughts.  Not all of them, not all the processes, but just talk a little everyday about what's on my mind.  It takes less effort now than it used to.  And they know that my gears are whirring all the time and accept that too.  As far as more intense situations, I eventually had to explicitly explain the problem, and my dh knows I will sometimes need time to step away from things - it isn't just refusing to engage. 

 

 

You call it an intense and vibrant inner life.... are you happy?

 

That's how I used to be, and I was utterly miserable.  Constant gnawing worry, My mind would always go to the worst case scenario.  Suggestions for changes to plans were a catastrophe.  I'm already worrying about four steps ahead and you want to change everything?

 

It was really hard to be me, and I imagine it was hard to live with  me too.

 

But, I have a pretty serious anxiety disorder. Maybe it is different for you.

 

I used to have this problem and it lead to a period of depression.  I was on meds for a while, but what really helped was learning to deliberately take a step back, recognize what was going on, and separate myself from things that were bothering me, and move on.  Trying to frame them, intellectually, in a more realistic way, helps, and learning to distract or disrupt the bad thinking.

[Critterfixer]

It never hurts to say, "I'm thinking about ----, right now." "Let me think about that." "I'm working that out." 

And then, whenever you do reach your conclusion, you can preface it by saying, "I've been thinking about this and I have decided ----"

You don't have to be detailed, but just letting a person who will be interested in your decisions know that you are doing silently what they like to do aloud might help.

[fairfarmhand]

I'm a lot like this. My problem is often a little different - sometimes when the situation calls for a response, if I am very emotional I really can't give one until I've had a good while to calm down and think it through. So it seems to people - my dh most often - that I am not responding to something important.

 

With more everyday things, I do try and make an effort to share my thoughts. Not all of them, not all the processes, but just talk a little everyday about what's on my mind. It takes less effort now than it used to. And they know that my gears are whirring all the time and accept that too. As far as more intense situations, I eventually had to explicitly explain the problem, and my dh knows I will sometimes need time to step away from things - it isn't just refusing .

Oh me too! My dh calls this the emotional slip gear. I'm actually unsure how I am feeling till I've thought about the situation, determined whether my feelings are valid, and named them, with being able to explain why my feelings are x y and z.

 

It's rather strange now that I think about it. Feelings should e easier but they're not for me.

 

 

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[Guest]

My husband and I both are like this thankfully, so at least with each other we know when it gets brought up it has been mulled and researched at length before coming to the table, and we discuss any points the person may have missed or any concerns. It's just the way we are. With other people it can be trickier, sometimes I think I am burning out someone's mental clutch with the rapid changes of topic and speed and how far ahead my brain seems to have gone, but usually an explanation and digression is enough to smooth things over.

[fairfarmhand]

What's really crazy is that I struggle with insomnia. So I can go to bed with one frame of mind, and wake up with something entirely different. It totally changed overnight because I mulled it over when I should've been sleeping.

 

 

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[klmama]

I often tell dh, "We talked about ___, and my mind made a lot of leaps, and now I'm thinking____."  That helps him not wonder why on earth I brought it up, even though he doesn't really want to know the whole process it took me to get there. 

[Liz CA]

I often tell dh, "We talked about ___, and my mind made a lot of leaps, and now I'm thinking____."  That helps him not wonder why on earth I brought it up, even though he doesn't really want to know the whole process it took me to get there. 

 

:lol:  Dh usually asks: "Do we have to rabbit-trail a little more on this subject?"

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm similar, but I don't see it as a problem.  It probably helps that everyone else around me is similar.  If I struggle with anything it's with really listening and paying attention to what others are saying.  I try to listen, but my mind drifts.

 

 

[Ausmumof3]

Here's something that I struggle with.

 

My mind is constantly moving, thinking, agonizing over things, making up stories, and going off on "what if" tangents.

 

The result of this is that I tend to think think think stuff over and make mental shifts. My inner world is rather private and I have to process stuff on my own. I don't pull others into this churning vortex of emotions, daydreaming, and analyzing things until I've come to a conclusion.

 

This can be very off putting to those closest to them because I can make a big mental shift in what seems an "out of the blue" manner.

 

So because they've not seen the hours of analyzing, playing devils advocate, researching, and playing with ideas, they're really caught off guard. They sometimes seem to feel that I'm hiding things (not really my intention, just a really private person) and I'm not open with them.

 

How do you foster intimacy with others when you have this kind of personality. I'm not ready to share everything that goes on in my head all the time. There are many ideas that are analyzed, discarded and never mentioned to those around me because they didn't need to be discussed. I already tossed the idea out.

 

My intention is never to shut others out, but this intense, vibrant interior life surprises people quite often.

 

Like "What do you mean you want to learn x? You've never said a word about that in the past."

 

or

 

"You think x,y, and z are good ideas? How in the world does that make sense?"

 

So am I the only one who struggles with this? I don't want my loved ones to get the sense that they can't ever really "know" me. But at the same time, sharing all that goes on in my head would be totally overwhelming if not impractical. Not enough hours in the day.

Yes I am like this. I'm either an intp or infp and both personality types are known for being like this. I get told I seem so calm when I'm a total anxious mess inside

[Carrie12345]

This is so very me.  For some examples, I have elaborate homesteading plans (we live in a development), lottery winning plans (at least I don't go to the local casino, lol,) multiple post-kid career (and non-career) plans, bathroom remodeling plans...

 

Some things are pie in the sky, and some are real hopes. All are constantly evolving in my head, and some make it to paper brainstorming/planning.  Dh is aware of at least the basic gist of each one, but not in any sort of daily update way, or we'd both go insane.

 

My entire family thinks it's a bit odd, but they're all used to it by now.  After years and years, dh trusts that when I want to pull the trigger on something, I've done all the research, all the weighing, and considered all possible outcomes.  Depending on what it is, I might bring him fully up to speed, or he might just tell me to go for it.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I haven't read through all of the replies but I find that my inner thought processes get me into trouble quite frequently, esp here on the boards. I read posts and threads and then have this wonderful monologue in my head, sometimes it lasts for hours as I think about what was posted and how it relates to my life and experiences. Then I'll return to the thread and write one of the last thoughts I've had about the topic. It might not be the most eloquent or relevant because, after all, I've already had a full conversation about it in my head and I'm not going to write all of my thoughts, how exhausting that would be...then I come across as a mindless dolt or I tick people off.

 

I want to be one of those people who can put it all together on the fly.

 

I am aware of this behavior and I spend hours upon hours writing out my lectures for class. I have pages of info written for each day so I remember to verbalize the important information and not just assume I said something because I thought about it in my head.