Thanksgiving Again...that time of year we have our annual email flame war. JAWM please

[Ginevra]

*steam pouring outta my ears*

 

BIL (call him "Jim") sends an email 'round because nobody is offering to have a big family dinner this year, although one SIL (call her "Jane") has offered to have desserts at her house and for the guys to do their annual skeet shoot in the afternoon, as per tradition. "Jim" is acting angry that nobody is offering the big dinner.

 

Well, two years ago, there was a very bad P.O. Flame war because multiple people in the family assumed that DH and I were hosting TG at my MIL's house, when what actually happened was I headed up the emails to organize who would bring what. Somehow, that was interpreted as we were HOSTING and several people were angry that the house (MIL's) wasn't clean, nobody checked on drinks, organized condiments for the skeet shoot, etc. Anyway, it was a big misunderstanding and was a miserable time for me, feeling everyone was mad at me and I had failed to communicate that I was not actually masterminding the TG dinner. So, that is the background of where I'm coming from.

 

Amongst the siblings and spouses, traditions are changing as the kids grow up and parents pass on; don't most families change their TG traditions as time goes on? it's just...why does this have to be a big pile of miserable dog-doo? I really want to tell "Jim" to go pound sand. I have replied to Jim and tried to be as diplomatic as possible, but it's still probably going to turn into a hornet's nest. It all just makes me sad because if TG is about whether or not we have a traditional dinner on Thursday, rather than being about being together and having fun together, than that misses the point. I actually have no difficulty being thankful over pumpkin pie with skeet shooting and I think it's a refreshing idea that nobody has to bust her ass from 5am to host a big spread.

 

Sorry this is jumbled. I am sick and know it isn't a cohesive post but I'm too tired to make it better.

[kewb]

Tell BIL, you are looking forward to spending thanksgiving at his home since he is the one upset no one has volunteered.

[MotherGoose]

Perhaps you should suggest that Jim host the big dinner :). Sorry. As an adult I've come to dread holidays.

[marbel]

I remember reading about some of your Thanksgiving troubles.   :grouphug:

 

Some people can't let go of traditions.  My sister makes the exact same dishes in the exact same way that my mother made them in 1965, every Thanksgiving.  Including baking and then throwing out a sweet potato in honor of our deceased father who liked a baked sweet potato on Thanksgiving.  (He died in 1992.)   Telling her I deviated (we live too far apart to spend the holiday together) sends her into a fit of angst about my bad tradition-breaking.

 

But at least we aren't near each other and there's nothing more to argue about.

 

Could your husband say something like "hey, dessert and skeet shooting at Jane's house sound great.  We're not up for the massive feast this year, so we'll see you at x:00 for the rest of the festivities."

 

Or would that just be too horrible?

 

Since it's your husband's family, can you get out of the email planning loop and put him in it?

Edited November 5, 2016 by marbel

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[HomeAgain]

I think I'd start planning a ski vacation every year over the holiday. :lol:

 

 

[Guest]

Tell BIL, you are looking forward to spending thanksgiving at his home since he is the one upset no one has volunteered.

Yes, well, he and his wife had it at their house last year, so I guess that is part of his upset. He thinks we are "taking turns," but my DH and another brother (the one married to "Jane" hosting desserts) are (I don't know why) who he imagines should be hosting it, that it's "our turn."

 

I did say I had been talking to DH about doing Christmas, which HAS been sort of a "taking turns" thing, although haphazardly; more in the sense of "who hasn't done it for a while?"

[Guest]

I think I'd start planning a ski vacation every year over the holiday. :lol:

I actually have considered this!

 

In reality, though, I miss my nieces and nephews and the BILs/SILs who are not bat-shit crazy. It is the main reason I want to host Christmas - I miss everyone (except the nutjobs) and I LOVE Christmas. My DD in college really misses all the cousins, too.

[Cinder]

Ugh. The one thing I don't like about holidays is expectations from those who think there's only one way to properly celebrate. Hugs to you--I hope you make through this season with your health and sanity intact. :grouphug:

[RioSamba]

I've read your post over and over; it's unfathomable that adults could behave this way. The initial criticism after they mistakenly thought you were hosting has me gobsmacked. One does not tell their host, "Ur doing it wrong!!!!11!!." One says, "Thank you." That you weren't actually hosting adds insult to injury. And now they want to tell you that you must host, and dictate how and what you offer? No. They are rude.

[FaithManor]

It is normal for these things to change. Life circumstance change whether the old traditionalists like it or not. It has changed a lot here which upsets my mom and mil no end, but doesn't change the facts one bit.

 

Don't let them guilt trip you.

[Carol in Cal.]

In similar circumstances a few years back I quickly answered, thank you, we would love to come!  to the 'inferior' invitation, and ignored all the rest.  In my case, it was an invitation from someone who some others didn't want to go see, and I led the way in agreeing to go see them.  Everyone else fell into line, and things were fine.

 

In the case of the Big Feast, though, I can see why he's bummed.  Now everyone will need to make their own dinner, and the typical Thanksgiving menu is one that is uniquely difficult to pull off for a small gathering.  I kind of agree with him in that I think the SIL offering just a dessert spread for that specific occasion is pretty weird.  If I were him, though, I'd say, great, we can do desserts and skeet at XXX's house, but I will host dinner itself.  Please join us at our home at XX (two hours before subsequent feast).  His specific approach is rude, though.  But if he did a partial invitation, maybe someone would chime in and offer to bring appetizers or soup, and it would be a progressive dinner feast.

 

In our family, historically my grandparents hosted big dinners, and it took years of negotiations even to get them to let us bring some of the side dishes.  Once they were gone we took turns and made things into more potluck type affairs.  But no one really has a big enough house to host the way they did, which is quite a loss.

 

 

  

[Jenn in FL]

:grouphug:

 

I too, remember your TG drama! (It honestly sounded like you were the only sane family member at the time!)

 

So....If you have been considering hosting Christmas at your house  AND your DD (who is away at school and hence not home much these days is also on board with the plan...) Why not talk with your DH and then immediately commit to Christmas while simultaneously declining TG?  Maybe sending an email stating something along the lines of:

 

"Hey B-S Crazy Relatives,  _____ and I would very much like to invite the entire insane family to our home for Christmas dinner. It is such a wonderful family holiday. We hope you are available to join us and we will start the organizational planning for that event after TG.  As such, who wants to host TG? "

 

This is said semi tongue-in-cheek, but not completely...

 

Stay strong and do what works for you!

  

 

Hmm...Maybe the WTM  should organize a "Relative Swap"  this year. I have a few I wouldn't mind offering up for trade!   :lol:

 

ETA: a missing word or two

Edited November 5, 2016 by Jenn in FL

[Minerva]

:grouphug:

 

 

 

Hmm...Maybe the WTM  should organize a "Relative Swap"  this year. I've got a few I wouldn't mind offering up for trade!   :lol:

 

I LOVE this idea. It could be a Secret Turkey instead of a Secret Santa. 

 

I'll organize it next year, if you'll do it this year. :laugh:

[JustEm]

I would be bummed without a Thanksgiving dinner like your BIL bit if it were that important to me I'd offer to host myself, which I will NEVER do. I hate hosting. We do holidays like you tried to do 2 years ago. it is always at my parents' house but everyone signs up for what dishes they're bringing. Since dh bakes the pies and I don't have to makr anything I go over and help mom clean the day before. I hope this tradition never changes. If I had a relative like yours I wouldn't be excited about Thanksgiving

[Jenn in FL]

I LOVE this idea. It could be a Secret Turkey instead of a Secret Santa. 

 

I'll organize it next year, if you'll do it this year. :laugh:

 

 

Well played!    :laugh:   :laugh:   :laugh:

[Guest]

Well, I do understand his thoughts about rotating the hosting "duties" because it is a lot of work. I would encourage you all to try to work out a schedule for who is hosting TG and Christmas dinners, and yes, rotate them around the adult siblings (BIL's house, too.)

 

I think that a large family dinner at TG is a worthwhile tradition, and I'd like to see all of you work this out. When the nieces and nephews start marrying and having in-laws and their own children It will all naturally fall apart on its own then as each of you older siblings/spouses become the grandparents hosting their own family dinner (traditionally.)

 

All of you could also agree to change the day's events, and have a dessert get-together at the skeet shoot, or at someone's home. What individual families do for the dinner would be up to them. No one should be imposing hosting on someone else, though.

The bolded: this is already happening. The oldest of my MIL's grandkids is 32. Three of the adult gk are married and one is engaged. There are also two great-grandkids. "Jim," who is having a cow about this, is one of the sibs with all adult children; one is married. I guess he's bent because his wife does not want to make dinner for just their kids/SOs and SIL's remaining parent.

 

The reason we have not rotated hosts for TG before is because all the siblings/spouses have other obligations, like going to the spouse's parent's house. (In my case, my sister's.) Nobody can host TG dinner if they are also going to the spouse's FOO dinner, too. This is exactly why were were not hosting dinner two years ago, but thought we were just *coordinating* who was bringing what food. (We have shared the responsibilities of who brings what food for probably ten or more years)

[Guest]

In similar circumstances a few years back I quickly answered, thank you, we would love to come! to the 'inferior' invitation, and ignored all the rest. In my case, it was an invitation from someone who some others didn't want to go see, and I led the way in agreeing to go see them. Everyone else fell into line, and things were fine.

 

In the case of the Big Feast, though, I can see why he's bummed. Now everyone will need to make their own dinner, and the typical Thanksgiving menu is one that is uniquely difficult to pull off for a small gathering. I kind of agree with him in that I think the SIL offering just a dessert spread for that specific occasion is pretty weird. If I were him, though, I'd say, great, we can do desserts and skeet at XXX's house, but I will host dinner itself. Please join us at our home at XX (two hours before subsequent feast). His specific approach is rude, though. But if he did a partial invitation, maybe someone would chime in and offer to bring appetizers or soup, and it would be a progressive dinner feast.

 

In our family, historically my grandparents hosted big dinners, and it took years of negotiations even to get them to let us bring some of the side dishes. Once they were gone we took turns and made things into more potluck type affairs. But no one really has a big enough house to host the way they did, which is quite a loss.

Except everybody does not have to make the dinner on their own. One sibling is going out of atate to her ILs house. One sib lives out of state; sometimes come home, sometimes not. One sibling is going to his wife's parents at lunchtime, which they do every year; they are also taking MIL to that affair. One sibling is the one offering dessert after skeet. I am doing my own lunch thing with my family. So the only person who "has" to make their own dinner is the BIL who is complaining, "Jim."

 

The dessert invitation is not from the complainer, in case that was unclear. It's from the SIL who hasn't hosted anything in several years, and appears to be her own idea. I do know she hates to cook, so presumably, that is one readon she doesn't want to host the whole shebang. Her house is also the least well-suited to it and I think she finds that sort of embarassing; a couple of the siblings have huge mansions.

[Miss Mousie]

First: don't engage any further until you're feeling better.  This can get so much messier if you respond while you're feeling cruddy.

 

Second: if you think the skeet-and-dessert plan sounds refreshing, say so, and say why.  Don't make any other suggestions.

 

We've been very low-key for TG for quite a few years now.  I love it! 

[Miss Mousie]

Except everybody does not have to make the dinner on their own. One sibling is going out of atate to her ILs house. One sib lives out of state; sometimes come home, sometimes not. One sibling is going to his wife's parents at lunchtime, which they do every year; they are also taking MIL to that affair. One sibling is the one offering dessert after skeet. I am doing my own lunch thing with my family. So the only person who "has" to make their own dinner is the BIL who is complaining, "Jim."

 

The dessert invitation is not from the complainer, in case that was unclear. It's from the SIL who hasn't hosted anything in several years, and appears to be her own idea. I do know she hates to cook, so presumably, that is one readon she doesn't want to host the whole shebang. Her house is also the least well-suited to it and I think she finds that sort of embarassing; a couple of the siblings have huge mansions.

 

Yep, there you have it.  "Dear Jim: Pound sand.  We'll see you at Jane's for pie."

 

:drool5:

 

But only when you're healthy!

[Junie]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

This year, I am thankful that my dh is an only child.  ;)

[Carol in Cal.]

It is hard to host if you don't have the right kind of house.

 

We have a small-medium home, and a somewhat busy street (it's narrow but cars go fast on it), and a back yard that is not fenced sufficiently to keep kids from wandering around to the front/street.  So we did host when it was all adults, but once there were a flock of little boys that no one wanted to have to watch, it became really unreasonable, because we don't have room for them to run amok inside, and it's too cold out for adults to watch them there.  Plus our back yard is generally fairly uninviting in the winter--it's chilly and muddy (we get rain rather than snow) so the tracking of muck inside would be really high.

 

We could host a fantastic indoor/outdoor party in the summer, but no one would come.  It's impossible to get the extended family together on one specific date.

 

So we kind of look like the pikers who attend but don't host.  I try to make up for this by bringing a lot of potluck food, but I know that that is trivial compared with actually hosting.

 

Last year this kind of came to a head and I cooked up a scheme to rent a nice little old fashioned hall and host Christmas there.  It's a nice place that is about 100 years old, so it's got some charm rather than being just a big white boxy conference room.  But although we could have an awesome meal there, and dancing, and presents, and games, it would be prohibitively difficult to have much in the way of decorations, since they would all have to be brought over and set up and then taken down and home on the same day.  Everyone was horrified at this idea, which I actually think is really too bad.  

 

I'm not really sure what to do.  I guess I could try to hire a couple of babysitters to watch the kids in the back yard but they would still be bored and probably a bit cold.  It's just a mess.

[heartlikealion]

Maybe you need to be very direct about your feelings. "We no longer plan on hosting TG dinners. If you want to take turns with X, maybe you should ask them now so they still have time to prepare. We are fine with just celebrating over dessert." I don't know?

 

I also think there is an inbetween. I don't think hosting has to require working from 5am onward. It could be buying a meal from the grocery store or something. And I'm not saying you need to do that. But maybe an idea for Jim or someone else.

 

I'm not sure if I understand. He thinks Jane's family should have the big meal this year or you and your Dh? Sounds like if you don't care about the meal part then he and Jane's family should hash out if/where there is a big meal.

[SKL]

Yes, families change their traditions as people get older.

 

Last Thanksgiving, I was in Vegas.  So that's a thought.  :P

 

This year I asked what the plans are.  (Nobody wants me cooking, so no danger of that.)  I'm told the folks want to go back to having TG at their house, with my sister (who lives near them) doing the cooking.  Otherwise I figured I would go to a restaurant.  I'm having a houseguest from a country where Thanskgiving isn't a thing, so nobody here would care one way or the other.  But if the folks want to see us, we'll go.  (It's only about an hour away.)

 

My oldest brother has been opting out of TG at our house for years, since there was a big hubbub about his stepgrandkids wreaking havoc and a few other things.  My other siblings may or may not show up depending on what else they have going on.  Honestly, I believe my parents are relieved that big TG dinners are a thing of the past.

[Guest]

.

Edited September 10, 2020 by Æthelthryth the Texan

[Anne in CA]

I love TG in Vegas. We have relatives there and have a lot of fun with them. I have been considering inviting myself to Vegas for TG this year, lol. I really don't understand why some people don't understand that treating each other poorly will not result in a loving holiday memory. 

 

I would (when you are ready) come right out and say that you and your DH are happy to have Christmas this year, but TG would be too much for you. I would enjoy dessert and skeet shooting and let the rest go AMAP. Hope you feel better soon!

[Hammfried]

So sorry that this is so stressful for you! Holidays aren't supposed to give you so much grief with the family.

 

In DH's extended family, whoever hosts TG does not have to host Christmas and vice versa. If you are comfortable in hosting Christmas then absolutely do not host TG. Actually, do not even feel obligated to host TG dinner just because Jim is having a tantrum. He can't get mad at everyone else for not hosting when he hasn't offered to host himself. If he wants TG dinner so badly then he can take the initiative and host himself. He's a grown adult now and he can start the tradition. Hang in there. Hugs

[Storygirl]

I realize that by suggesting a solution, you will be entering the fray and opening your idea up to criticism. So maybe you prefer to stay out of it and let others sort it out.

 

But if you want to propose a permanent solution, what if you suggest that the extended family have a big feast together every other year, or every third year. In between, each family is on their own to see their in-laws or have a smaller gathering.

 

My SIL always has Thanksgiving with her side of the family as a family reunion with all of her aunts, cousins, etc. They rent a church hall and do it potluck style, with each family in turn being in charge of bringing the turkey. So sometimes SIL has to make turkey, sometimes she is in charge of overseeing setting up the hall, and other years, she just gets to attend and bring a dish.  They rotate who is in charge of the turkeys or the hall.

 

Proposing that kind of tradition, which can be sustained over the long haul, might be helpful. The grandchildren, in-laws, etc. can then know ahead of time when to plan to be at the big gathering and when they are free to do something with the other side of their family.

 

ETA: Since you also get together for Christmas, you could do the same for that holiday. Each year you gather for Christmas OR Thanksgiving as a big group, but not both.

Edited November 5, 2016 by Storygirl

[Carol in Cal.]

It's pretty hard to transport the main course if it's roast beast.

Plus a lot of halls don't allow people to bring in their own food--commercial, licensed kitchens must be the only source, for liability reasons.  So it's harder and/or more expensive than you might think to do this at a hall.

[kewb]

Yes, well, he and his wife had it at their house last year, so I guess that is part of his upset. He thinks we are "taking turns," but my DH and another brother (the one married to "Jane" hosting desserts) are (I don't know why) who he imagines should be hosting it, that it's "our turn."

 

I did say I had been talking to DH about doing Christmas, which HAS been sort of a "taking turns" thing, although haphazardly; more in the sense of "who hasn't done it for a while?"

Quite frankly, this sounds like a him problem. You are under no obligation to feed the masses. After their less than gracious behavior after the email snafu I wouldn't be leaping up and down and saying to everyone "come on over". My inclination would be to wash my hands of the whole thing and just have thanksgiving with my spouse and children.

 

Would thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant work?

Edited November 5, 2016 by kewb

[ktgrok]

Since it's just BIL that doesn't have other plans for dinner, how about having just him to your house? I mean, I know that doesn't sound awesome, but it would give him somewhere to go, and not involve the whole brood. Just email him separately and ask. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Since it's just BIL that doesn't have other plans for dinner, how about having just him to your house? I mean, I know that doesn't sound awesome, but it would give him somewhere to go, and not involve the whole brood. Just email him separately and ask. 

I was thinking this, too.

[Scarlett]

No answers from me but I did want to say I knew it was you as soon as I saw the title. :). That might mean I have been on these boards too many years.

[ktgrok]

Yeah, just say "Ok, since it sounds like everyone but Bill and I have plans with other family members, how about he and I get together and figure something out for our two families together, and we'll meet up with the rest of you at Aunt Pie's place for skeet shooting and dessert"

[Guest]

Quite frankly, this sounds like a him problem. You are under no obligation to feed the masses. After their less than gracious behavior after the email snafu I wouldn't be leaping up and down and saying to everyone "come on over". My inclination would be to wash my hands of the whole thing and just have thanksgiving with my spouse and children.

 

Would thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant work?

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,!!! :D God, no. That would be sacrilege.

[Guest]

Since it's just BIL that doesn't have other plans for dinner, how about having just him to your house? I mean, I know that doesn't sound awesome, but it would give him somewhere to go, and not involve the whole brood. Just email him separately and ask.

No, never going to happen. He and DH were business parters until this year. There's no small level of animosity there. I wouldn't invite them alone to our house this year, even if for pay. Luckily, he already has such an offer, from the SIL who lives in another state. She has replied to this morning's email saying anyone who wants is welcome to come to her house; that she is making dinner and some neighbors are coming over.

[Guest]

Maybe you need to be very direct about your feelings. "We no longer plan on hosting TG dinners. If you want to take turns with X, maybe you should ask them now so they still have time to prepare. We are fine with just celebrating over dessert." I don't know?

 

I also think there is an inbetween. I don't think hosting has to require working from 5am onward. It could be buying a meal from the grocery store or something. And I'm not saying you need to do that. But maybe an idea for Jim or someone else.

 

I'm not sure if I understand. He thinks Jane's family should have the big meal this year or you and your Dh? Sounds like if you don't care about the meal part then he and Jane's family should hash out if/where there is a big meal.

Yes, for whatever reason (I do not know how he drew this conclusion, especially since he thought we were "hosting" the TG at MIL's two years ago), he seemed to think it was Quill and Mr. Quill's or Jane and Bob's turn to host TG. There's not any particular logic AFAIK why he thinks it should be one of us teo; he just has a beef with my DH for other readons and I think he just wants to put it on somebody.

 

I personally don't care one jot about the actual meal and I *think* Jane feels the same (but even moreso, because I at least do like to cook, kinda.) I'm not a big eater and have some food issues I need to work around and even when there is a big TG meal, I don't eat half of it. So for sure, I don't care about the meal particulalry. I'm going to make something TG-like for my family at lunchtime and that will suffice.

 

I really don't even think he (or anyone) should bother Jane about having only desserts instead of a meal because I just don't go for that kind of social pressure. As I said, Jane's house is the smallest and has the worst set-up for a crowd; I don't really think someone should feel brow-beaten into having a particular kind of dinner just because someone else is attached to Sweet Potato Casserole, KWIM?

[Guest]

I'm sorry Quill. (((Hugs)))

 

Elective surgery is getting me out of hosting this year with no drama. If you have anything you'd like to get taken care of nows an excellent time! :)

 

Seriously though- ignore your email. You know how fickle technology can be! With all the hacking and what not......Don't you hate it when your email goes down for a week (or three). ;)

 

Hope Feel better soon too.

:D Thanks for the laugh!

[Guest]

No answers from me but I did want to say I knew it was you as soon as I saw the title. :). That might mean I have been on these boards too many years.

Or that I can't keep my mouth shut.;)

[Happy]

I'm grateful for my husband's family--

 

Family events are at his mom and dad's ranch--about 20 years ago, some of his older brother's children started marrying and having families. At that point we all decided to have a combined Thanksmas the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Everyone arrives on Friday sometime--Saturday morning is a Christmas gift exchange (all adults bring a gender related gift, we do the take away from each other game. Kids under 16 years old draw names.) then a huge feast. BBQ smoked in advance, with tons of sides and desserts. Everyone pitches in the bring food (it's practically a competition) and to help set up and clean up with each meal. These days different brothers take on providing a Friday night meal or another meal. We all cook pretty darn well, so it works.

 

The joy of this is that for years we've known when we are doing our gathering. If I had parents alive, we could spent time with them on THanksgiving Day. Same for Christmas, we know our little clan will be gathering at our house.

 

For the big family gatherings...The grandchildren bring their growing children...the clan expands. :)

It's a little easier since we have a ranch with extra bunking space to cope with it all. But another family could do this at a hotel or a campground. The key is the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

 

What's absolutely the best of all is we lost DH's parents in 2003 and 2012 and we still gather. One of the keys is that we know the youngers all benefit from hanging out with the olders. We keep passing that along.

It's not without bumps, but we've worked it out. Life is too short.

Perhaps y'all could put your thinking caps on and figure out an alternative plan to the actual day. Hugs as you try to figure it out.

 

Edited November 5, 2016 by Happy

[mamiof5]

Well played! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Let me know when it's my turn 😄😄😄

[mamiof5]

Ugh!! Hope you can figure something out while keeping your sanity 😃

[Seasider]

I'm grateful for my husband's family--

 

Family events are at his mom and dad's ranch--about 20 years ago, some of his older brother's children started marrying and having families. At that point we all decided to have a combined Thanksmas the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Everyone arrives on Friday sometime--Saturday morning is a Christmas gift exchange (all adults bring a gender related gift, we do the take away from each other game. Kids under 16 years old draw names.) then a huge feast. BBQ smoked in advance, with tons of sides and desserts. Everyone pitches in the bring food (it's practically a competition) and to help set up and clean up with each meal. These days different brothers take on providing a Friday night meal or another meal. We all cook pretty darn well, so it works.

 

The joy of this is that for years we've known when we are doing our gathering. If I had parents alive, we could spent time with them on THanksgiving Day. Same for Christmas, we know our little clan will be gathering at our house.

 

For the big family gatherings...The grandchildren bring their growing children...the clan expands. :)

It's a little easier since we have a ranch with extra bunking space to cope with it all. But another family could do this at a hotel or a campground. The key is the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

 

What's absolutely the best of all is we lost DH's parents in 2003 and 2012 and we still gather. One of the keys is that we know the youngers all benefit from hanging out with the olders. We keep passing that along.

 

It's not without bumps, but we've worked it out. Life is too short.

Perhaps y'all could put your thinking caps on and figure out an alternative plan to the actual day. Hugs as you try to figure it out.

 

 

I love this. As I have kids approaching the marrying range, I can see something like this working for the future. I am going to nurture this seed (and start figuring out how to erect a party barn in my back yard!).

[trulycrabby]

Honestly, I would just ignore those emails and plan the dinner like he doesn't exist. That's unrealistic for your scenario, so I will instead just offer hugs. :grouphug:

[Starr]

i think it would be nice to give the dessert family the opportunity to host. Maybe you should back off in the email department. Send an email that you accept the invitation to dessert and let the others carry on. I prefer the term outlaw to inlaw . :D

[Guest]

i think it would be nice to give the dessert family the opportunity to host. Maybe you should back off in the email department. Send an email that you accept the invitation to dessert and let the others carry on. I prefer the term outlaw to inlaw . :D

It would be nice to give them the opportunity to host, but not nice to pressure them into making it a meal. It's not as though it hasn't ocurred to Bob and Jane that they could host a whole meal; I'm sure that was their first consideration. Coming up with dessert as an option was presumably what they arrived at as an alternative.

 

As the day wears in, "Jim" has conceded that Quill/Mr. Quill don't need to have a meal (I guess because I offered Christmas), but now he's zeroing in on Bob and Jane, trying to goad them into a meal instead of dessert. I think this is wrong. Nobody has to have a turkey dinner. IMO, it is Jim being a control freak, as he is wont to do. He does not want to eat a TG meal early in the day; he wants it at six pm. He is trying, in the most recent e-mail, to get Bob and Jane to make it a dinner, at 6pm. I think he should go pound sand. :D

[marbel]

It would be nice to give them the opportunity to host, but not nice to pressure them into making it a meal. It's not as though it hasn't ocurred to Bob and Jane that they could host a whole meal; I'm sure that was their first consideration. Coming up with dessert as an option was presumably what they arrived at as an alternative.

 

As the day wears in, "Jim" has conceded that Quill/Mr. Quill don't need to have a meal (I guess because I offered Christmas), but now he's zeroing in on Bob and Jane, trying to goad them into a meal instead of dessert. I think this is wrong. Nobody has to have a turkey dinner. IMO, it is Jim being a control freak, as he is wont to do. He does not want to eat a TG meal early in the day; he wants it at six pm. He is trying, in the most recent e-mail, to get Bob and Jane to make it a dinner, at 6pm. I think he should go pound sand. :D

 

But Quill, at this point it is up to Bob and Jane to tell him to pound sand. They invited everyone to dessert.  You accepted the invitation to dessert; you are done.  Let Bob and Jane handle Jim and his demands.    They can cave in, or not.  But they are adults and need to deal with it on their own.  

[Guest]

Good grief. Jane has capitulated. She's making a meal after the shoot. So Jim gets his way. Yay.

[Guest]

But Quill, at this point it is up to Bob and Jane to tell him to pound sand. They invited everyone to dessert. You accepted the invitation to dessert; you are done. Let Bob and Jane handle Jim and his demands. They can cave in, or not. But they are adults and need to deal with it on their own.

I know. I resent it b/c one more person kissing Jims behind.

[heartlikealion]

Yes, for whatever reason (I do not know how he drew this conclusion, especially since he thought we were "hosting" the TG at MIL's two years ago), he seemed to think it was Quill and Mr. Quill's or Jane and Bob's turn to host TG. There's not any particular logic AFAIK why he thinks it should be one of us teo; he just has a beef with my DH for other readons and I think he just wants to put it on somebody.

 

I personally don't care one jot about the actual meal and I *think* Jane feels the same (but even moreso, because I at least do like to cook, kinda.) I'm not a big eater and have some food issues I need to work around and even when there is a big TG meal, I don't eat half of it. So for sure, I don't care about the meal particulalry. I'm going to make something TG-like for my family at lunchtime and that will suffice.

 

I really don't even think he (or anyone) should bother Jane about having only desserts instead of a meal because I just don't go for that kind of social pressure. As I said, Jane's house is the smallest and has the worst set-up for a crowd; I don't really think someone should feel brow-beaten into having a particular kind of dinner just because someone else is attached to Sweet Potato Casserole, KWIM?

 

No, they shouldn't be pressured into it, but it sorta sounds like he needs to hear "no meal" spelled out from everyone. I don't know how it has been done in the past (other than the two years you mentioned) so maybe he found a pattern and thought there had been a specific rotation. I don't think it's so strange for him to think it's someone else's turn since he did it last year and doesn't do it annually, but I also don't think that automatically means someone has to volunteer to do it. I just think everyone has different expectations and those need to be made aware by all parties. I can see now that Jane's expectations (small kitchen, already offering dessert) sound pretty clear to me now and yours (not interested in meal, possibly already hosting at Christmas, etc) are also clear. Does Jim know all this? I'm thinking it just needs to be spelled out for him.

 

I'm not trying to disagree, just saying I can see how someone would think, "not it!" lol In this case, everyone is saying, "we're done playing, not it!" Lol