What do you do with a child who doesn't care?

[plain jane]

I'm kind of at my wits end here and hoping I can get some advice.  My oldest daughter simply doesn't care about stuff.  I don't know how else to describe it.  She's not depressed, that's now what I mean.  She simply does not take care of anything.  I'll give a few examples but these are just the tip of the iceberg:

 

1.  We buy her nice new runners.  I tell her all the time to please don't leave them tied then wear them with her heels crushing the back of the shoe.  She insists its "just for a few seconds" and keeps doing it.  Over and over.  Within a month the shoes are destroyed.  The plastic has come out of the fabric and now cuts into her heels when she wears them properly and she needs new shoes.

 

2.  She needs to help do some painting.  I ask her to wear her ugliest clothes.  She chooses a pair of new looking $120 Guess jeans stating that they are her worst jeans.  They aren't but I thought that maybe the ones that I had in mind were either in the garbage or she had outgrown them.  Plus I don't want to control what she wears.  However, when I go to do her laundry in her pile I see the ugly jeans that I had in mind (2 pairs of them).  She claims she "forgot" about her uglier ones and shrugs.  Meanwhile, $120 of jeans are wrecked.  We wear the same size and I could have had them if she didn't like them.

 

3. She needs a headset for her online classes.  She is very careless with it, leaving it everywhere.  During her classes she often curls the cord and bends it and even chews on it.  The cord gets wrecked.  It is the third set of headsets we have had to buy her for this reason in the past 2 years.  I keep asking her to put them away (she has a hook especially set up for that reason.  In fact, she has 2 hooks so she has choice of location) and to not chew on the cord.

 

4.  I ask her to do some dishes.  She goes and takes my nice Pampered Chef stoneware and covers them in dish soap.  She knows not to use soap on the stoneware as we have had this discussion a lot of times.  In fact, I don't even ask her to wash the stoneware and she could have simply washed the 8 other pots, pans and lids that have accumulated instead.

 

5.  We got her an iPhone 2 years ago.  I bought her a nice case to go with it (she chose the case).  She broke the case.  Get her another case she chose.  She keeps taking the case off and on and off and on.  Breaks that case.  Buy her a third case and now she simply opts out of using a case at all.  We keep telling her to use a case, but she says oh ya, I just took off the case, I'll put it back, but doesn't.  Finally she cracks the screen.  Doesn't phase her.  I keep telling her to use the case.  We take away the phone if she doesn't use the case.  Nothing seems to get through to her.  Finally she smashes the entire back of her phone- all the glass shatters.  She feels remorseful about that but it's still usable so she's not really phased.  Next, she smashes the entire front of the screen and we are left with no choice but to get her a new phone. Now we are back to the same battles about the case...

 

6.  I bought her some nice Hunter boots.  They fit me but I wanted her to have them.  She loves them but while she has a pair of "farm rubber boots" she wears her nice Hunter boots to do all her farm chores.  I ask her to please not do that as it will wreck the boots and she should save them to go out.  She insists that it's not a problem and nothing is going to happen or "it was just to run hay to the goats".  Within 2 months she managed to put huge holes in both boots and they are totalled.  So now, she has to wear her ugly farm boots to go out (we visit other farms and other ag events) and she's not happy that they're ugly.

 

She hates shopping.  Often, she will ask me to go out and buy her clothes as I know what colour and styles she likes and she just hates shopping.  While usually we are quite comfortable, finances have been really awful for us this past year.  Very up and down, and more down than up.  I've had to be very careful about spending so most of our purchases (clothes) have been from thrift stores.  That said, I spend hours looking for the nice brand name clothes that are in new condition.  While I think she appreciates this, she really doesn't care for brands or fashion at all.  Thing is, we live in a world that does and she's in enough classes and activities with kids who *do* care that it is important to me that she dresses well.  It isn't unheard of for us to get to an activity only to find that she's thrown on a shirt with holes in it (because it's her favorite and she's worn it so many times) or has a stain on the front.

 

Now, I realize that we buy her things and that she should have control over what she does with them, but it is disheartening (and very expensive) to watch her destroy everything we buy for her.  It takes money away from other kids who could use nice designer clothes or brand name shoes or toys or whatever.  The above are just some examples.  She just doesn't really care much to take care of things.  She had an iPad that we bought her one year and then lost it.  It bothered her for a bit and then she shrugged and claimed she didn't use it anyways.  Things like that I would have preferred to pass on to a younger sibling rather than just lose. 

 

Would this bother anyone else as a mother?  Do I just let it go and let her wreck things and do as she pleases?  She's very sweet, polite, thoughtful and considerate.  Everyone who meets her really likes her and says she's such a kind girl.  She really is, but she can't seem to take care of stuff or care much about it.  What do I do?

 

I hope to delete this later.  I don't want to complain about her on the internet but I don't know if this is my issue or hers.  I'm sad at how much money we have spent on her on things that just get wrecked and broken but I love her enough to want her to have nice things.  I don't know how to find a balance or if maybe I'm just out to lunch.  I don't want to be an awful mother so I'm here asking for some advice.  Please be kind.  I'm at a loss here. 

[Guest]

I'd stop spending money on nice things for her so it didn't matter so much if she treated them badly. She can buy them herself st some point and care for them how she chooses, but it's inexpensive or hand me down items for a kid who doesn't treat things well. That would cut your stress over it. You can't really make a kid care, so just limit the damage.

 

I should also say it's not necessarily a bad thing that she doesn't have high regard for expensive brands, lots of people don't and it can be a real boon to them that they're content with basics and don't get preoccupied over status and cost. But for your sake I'd say you need to let this go and just not spend the money or energy hoping she will feel the way you want her to about these items, and she may grow in appreciation as she ages. If all else fails give her a clothing budget and make her shop, and when her stuff is gone or trashed that's it until the budget refreshes. Give her more agency and responsibility over it and let her choose. That means no more micromanaging from you though ;)

Edited November 4, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[AmandaVT]

Hmm, how old is she? Teenager? 

 

I'd be tempted to have her earn money to replace the nice things if she wants them. 

 

If she needs a headset for school, then if she can't take care of it, maybe she needs to bring it to you to keep for her until the next time she needs it? 

 

If she can't take care of nice shoes, she can get less expensive ones until she can care for them better. 

 

For the jeans and painting - if she doesn't show up in appropriate painting clothes, don't let her help paint until she changes. 

 

Same with the phone. If she needs to communicate with you, she can have a flip phone that can call and text and is cheap. 

 

I don't think you can force her to care about things, but you don't need to keep spending money on her, if that makes sense. 

[Liz CA]

I would give her a clothing budget per year or hand her the money so she can go shopping. When she has exhausted her budget, she cannot get any other clothes. If she truly ruined everything she has before she gets a new clothing allowance, I would take her to the thrift store.

If she really does not care what she wears or ruins, she may find great things at the thrift store and her clothing allowance will go a lot further.

The main point is her behavior should only impact her and not you. You will have to pay for some clothing if she has no money of her own but you decide what is reasonable and she gets to choose what and where she buys and how she treats her clothes.

Edited November 4, 2016 by Liz CA

[hornblower]

Honestly, I think this is your issue. She's obviously not very materialistic or caring about appearances & possibly a bit absent minded. So what? 

This post reads to me very gendered. I find it hard to imagine that you'd write this way about a son. 

"she really doesn't care for brands or fashion at all.  Thing is, we live in a world that does and she's in enough classes and activities with kids who *do* care that it is important to me that she dresses well.  It isn't unheard of for us to get to an activity only to find that she's thrown on a shirt with holes in it (because it's her favorite and she's worn it so many times) or has a stain on the front."   <<<----- this is you. Let it go.  



If money is tight for you, don't give her fancy things unless you're ok with them being wrecked. She doesn't care. You do. Keep them for yourself. 

 

And I'd avise you to spend some time writing out all the things about her that are great. Is she honest? Is she creative? Is she kind to animals?  Is she funny? Curious? Does good impressions? Sings?  I think you need to see her and appreciate her for who she IS. 

[plain jane]

I would give her a clothing budget per year or hand her the money so she can go shopping. When she has exhausted her budget, she cannot get any other clothes. If she truly ruined everything she has before she gets a new clothing allowance, I would take her to the thrift store.

If she really does not care what she wears or ruins, she may find great things at the thrift store and her clothing allowance will go a lot further.

The main point is her behavior should only impact her and not you. You will have to pay for some clothing if she has no money of her own but you decide what is reasonable and she gets to choose what and where she buys and how she treats her clothes.

She hates shopping and will not go. 😂 Trust me, it's problematic. She will raid my closet before heading to the mall or store. I can't explain it. She just doesn't care what she wears. I've had her show up to co-op with a shirt with holes in it. She's 15. I don't check her clothes as I have many other kids to inspect. She will wear the same shirt over and over and over again (she washes it) I actually had to start making sure she was wearing different clothes to co-op each time before people thought she only owned one shirt.

[Code Lyoko]

1.  Have you considered that she might have Executive Function deficits and may need some scaffolding (Not nagging and controlling but scaffolding) to help her keep track of things?  Read Smart but Scattered for a bit of help with this.

 

2.  If you are the one buying the name label clothing and she really doesn't care if she is wearing name label clothing I would stop buying her name label clothing (I don't even buy myself $120 jeans).  Since shoes are also an issue, honestly I would just set up a budget for her to work within.  When something wears out she can decide how to use her clothing/shoe budget.  If she doesn't have the money for fancy boots or name label clothing, so be it.  If she doesn't care, you can't make her care about fancy shoes and clothing.  And frankly, I would not be wanting my child to desire name label clothing and fancy shoes.

 

3.  If you don't want her to wear clothing that is dirty and with holes in it, make that a rule but let her wear the clothes she wants to wear as long as the clothing is clean and without holes.

 

 

 

[hornblower]

She hates shopping and will not go. 😂 Trust me, it's problematic. She will raid my closet before heading to the mall or store. I can't explain it. She just doesn't care what she wears. I've had her show up to co-op with a shirt with holes in it. She's 15. I don't check her clothes as I have many other kids to inspect. She will wear the same shirt over and over and over again (she washes it) I actually had to start making sure she was wearing different clothes to co-op each time before people thought she only owned one shirt.

 

What difference does it make if she wears the same thing if it's clean?  

 

I have a kid who hates shopping. Heck, I hate shopping. We go once a year if that. In  between, dh sometimes picks things up but only in stores with good return policy. He buys, we try on, and either keep or send it back with him.  Last year I did that for one of my kids when I needed to get stuff for a funeral; the only thing I had to insist the kid go with me for was the shoes.... Everything else I quickly picked up, sticking to some very clear criteria based on what I know the kid likes in clothing. 

 

Fwiw, I purge closets once in a while for my clued out kid. I have to remove things with awful holes, stains or just too small because it never occurs to them to do that.... 

[plain jane]

Yes. She does have executive function issues. I have set up systems with her (we worked together to set them up) but she rarely uses them. It's been a very difficult process.

 

I don't want her to desire brand name things and I don't care for them for just the name. Other than the Hunter boots, I buy clothes at outlets and on sale (or thrift stores) and I choose the brand names because they are better quality. Guess jeans are nicer, thicker and fit better than a WalMart brand.

 

But you are right. Maybe I care too much. When I think about it I am sensitive to this because we are a large family and I feel very judged for this. I don't want the kids to dress frumpy and incite more judgement. We live in an area where large families are not the norm.

[Code Lyoko]

Yes. She does have executive function issues. I have set up systems with her (we worked together to set them up) but she rarely uses them. It's been a very difficult process.

 

I don't want her to desire brand name things and I don't care for them for just the name. Other than the Hunter boots, I buy clothes at outlets and on sale (or thrift stores) and I choose the brand names because they are better quality. Guess jeans are nicer, thicker and fit better than a WalMart brand.

 

But you are right. Maybe I care too much. When I think about it I am sensitive to this because we are a large family and I feel very judged for this. I don't want the kids to dress frumpy and incite more judgement. We live in an area where large families are not the norm.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Code Lyoko]

FWIW, DS only wears one kind of pants.  They are stretchy, soft, black pants with an elasticized waist that I buy at Target.  Even in our 100 plus degree summer/fall heat he wears these black pants and has for 4 years.  He has sensory issues and prefers these pants.  Instead of fighting him on it, which was very unproductive, I just made sure that every year he had several pairs of these pants.  

[HomeAgain]

My children know we have a policy of "buy once".  I will buy anything one time, but replacements are on the child.  My oldest is on his third ipod.  I don't care.  I only bought the first one.

 

I buy new shoes when they are outgrown/worn out.

I buy new clothes when they are outgrown/worn out.

I request replacements when a child destroys something of mine through neglect or carelessness, and hold a child to that standard of integrity.

 

It means, yes, my kids don't have a lot of things.  But I don't have a lot of stress about it all, and they are quite responsible with the things they do have and feel the value of a dollar.

[Liz CA]

She hates shopping and will not go. 😂 Trust me, it's problematic. She will raid my closet before heading to the mall or store. I can't explain it. She just doesn't care what she wears. I've had her show up to co-op with a shirt with holes in it. She's 15. I don't check her clothes as I have many other kids to inspect. She will wear the same shirt over and over and over again (she washes it) I actually had to start making sure she was wearing different clothes to co-op each time before people thought she only owned one shirt.

 

I would buy her clothes at second hand stores. If she does not care what she wears, there is no need for $120 Jeans. You can always get a few nice pieces for special occasions and hide them away so they do not get ruined.

I suspect she would buy something if the only alternative was to go naked... :)

 

Jane, I am adding to this post because I missed the part about you feeling judged because you have a large family and want them to look nice. I understand this to some degree but you know your children are well cared for, have everything they need and probably more. What other people think is immaterial. I see a lot of young people in clothes that look like they found them on a garbage dump. These days, it's a style. I doubt many people would even bat an eye...and if anyone does, it's their problem, not yours or your children's.

Edited November 4, 2016 by Liz CA

[prairiewindmomma]

I would let her experience the natural consequences of her choices and let them reflect on her, not you.

 

We have had similar issues here, and I drew the line at basic hygiene.  I fight those battles, and let go of the rest.  

 

Gently, what would happen if people thought less of you and yours and judged you for having a large family? How would that impact you? How would that impact them? What might occur as a result?

 

 I think that whether someone does or does not have a judging heart reflects more on THEM and the state of their hearts than on you.

[hornblower]

So, while you're writing out all the wonderful admirable traits about your dd, I'd suggest writing out all the wonderful, admirable, honorable traits about yourself, your family & your chosen way to live. 

then look at that regularly, and smile and know you're living life the way you want to & everyone else can judge whatever they want.... You do you :)

Edited November 4, 2016 by hornblower

[prairiewindmomma]

FWIW, DS only wears one kind of pants.  They are stretchy, soft, black pants with an elasticized waist that I buy at Target.  Even in our 100 plus degree summer/fall heat he wears these black pants and has for 4 years.  He has sensory issues and prefers these pants.  Instead of fighting him on it, which was very unproductive, I just made sure that every year he had several pairs of these pants.  

 

Same situation, same set of black pants, although mine now will wear the champion brand C9 shorts from Target as well in a size too small.

[Arcadia]

When I think about it I am sensitive to this because we are a large family and I feel very judged for this. I don't want the kids to dress frumpy and incite more judgement. We live in an area where large families are not the norm.

My uncles own car repair shops and metal shops. What my aunts and parents did was to put the "nicer/formal" clothes in their wardrobe and leave the play clothes, school uniforms in ours. We are not allowed to get stuff from our parents' wardrobe.

 

That way we have nice attire to wear to weddings, christenings and any formal event that would have "clothes police" kind of people around.

 

As for outside classes, my DS10 always wear a red polo shirt and dark blue jeans. To him, that is "school uniform". His red polo shirts are an assortment of brands (he has >10 red shirts) but no one has ever cared that he wears the same attire every week, including the same pair of shoes.

[Julie Smith]

For whatever reason she struggles with these things. She is not doing this to annoy you, she just honestly doesn't connect the dots. 

 

What you need to do is let go in some areas, and for those you can't let go on - help her. Help her succeed. I'm sure she doesn't like this either. 

 

1. For me running shoes are very important. Talk to her about them, and how you are now going to help her keep them in good shape. Mark off a place that they will be put when she is not wearing them. Tell her the rules for the shoes are they must either be properly on her feet, or untied in their spot. No matter what! Then whenever she comes inside and takes them off remind her nicely to untie them, remove them from her feet and place them in the spot. Reward her for doing so. Kind words, smiles, ... after she succeeds for awhile have a nice treat and let her know you are proud of her. 

 

2. Don't get her nice clothes. Problem solved. Only buy her clothes from the thrift store or second hand shops. If she wants something nicer she can buy it herself. If you want her to have something nicer buy it, and keep it with your clothes and restrict access to it. For example only take out those clothes for weddings and funerals. 

 

 

3. Duct tape fixes everything. Duct tape the head phones to where they need to be kept. Make the duct tape cord long enough that they can still be used. Cover the cord with duct tape so she will have to chew on the duct tape instead of the cord. 

 

4. If her properly washing your dishes is important to you then stand beside her and talk her through the chore again and again. Try to make it fun, talk about other things. I just don't have my boys do some chores because I am particular about them. I am not particular about laundry though - so they do all laundry. 

 

 

5. It also sounds like she likes to fiddle and chew. Have you looked in fiddle and chewing jewelry. That way she can fiddle with something that can take it. And if she is wearing the fiddle/chewing jewelry she will always have it with her. 

 

6. Again. Don't buy her nice things. She doesn't take care of them. If you want her to have access to nice things buy them for yourself and lend them to her for special occasions (ie. weddings and funerals)

 

My rule for clothes is that no matter what - if it has holes or stains it goes in the rag bag. If I think it will be reclaimed from the rag bag I cut it up into squares. Other than that let her wear what she wants to wear (Assuming it is appropriate) 

 

For various reasons some people just have trouble taking care of things. They need help to do so. Help developing systems and habits. This is a disability of sorts. She is not doing this, just to annoy you. 

 

Edited November 4, 2016 by Julie Smith

[Moonhawk]

I was this kid. I like to look nice, really. I just like to be comfortable more, and I want to sleep in, lol. I still don't like shopping, don't care about brand names.  I do take care of technology, though, because that is something I am into.  I can't give advice from a mom perspective, but just thinking back to teenage me, I know my mom could have written this. 

 

My advice: don't buy expensive stuff for her.  The price tag isn't going to change her perception of it.  Once the price tag is off, it's just another piece of clothing.  YOU know how much it costs, and how much work it took to make the money.  She will forget how much it costs (if she ever knew) and doesn't know how much work it takes.  Her appreciation of these things just isn't there, yet.  Things can be nice without a brand name, and if she doesn't care about brand names she won't be talking/showing them off, which is really the only way other people are going to know she's wearing a brand name most of the time anyway. 

 

If she hates shopping that much, it may actually be worth it, after she's destroyed/run out of good clothes, to give her $50, a list of e.g. "3 shirts, 2 pants, 1 jacket",and drop her off at a thrift store for half hour to an hour.  That way she doesn't have to take all day, has a set task that will finish what is needed, but she has to take responsibility when she wastes money indirectly by not taking care of things right.  Just because she doesn't like it doesn't mean she doesn't have to do it, if it is a natural consequence of actions.  If she doesn't have it by the time you come back, you simply get the cheapest thing there in her size and call it done.  A season of embarrassing clothing either isn't going to phase her and so it doesn't matter ("unique fashion sense", maybe she'll start a trend, lol), or she will be more careful with new clothes next time. 

 

For things that need to be replaced (iPhone), have her work extra chores to get the money.  If a phone is mandatory, then the work is mandatory, not something she can opt out of.  And don't replace with the same version.  Either get an old iPhone or a flip phone. If she wants the newer version, she either has to work for the extra cost as well or wait for the upgrade cycle [without destroying the new phone in the meantime].

 

Set a standard for what can be worn out of the house.  Make sure it is understood.  Post it on her closet if necessary. So long as the clothes meet the standard, she can wear it.  

 

I got pretty angry when my mom threw out my favorite shirts because they had holes.  She didn't want me to wear it out.  Sure, that's fine, but I could have worn it around the house.  Please don't purge unless she really doesn't care. If she has favorites, she cares about what she wears, she is just using a different system of value than you are. 

 

Also, if you are the same size, maybe only buy new clothes for yourself.  Then, in 6 months, hand down to her.  That way, you are happy she is in brand name/good clothes, but you didn't have to spend "extra" money to get it for her, and won't be a huge loss if something happens to it.  

 

Good luck! Just so you know, I don't wear hole clothes anymore, and rotate my shirts so people know I own more than one, so don't give up hope :) 

[FaithManor]

Stop replacing items. Seriously. Do not spend anymore money on her and let her suffer the natural consequences for her actions and lack of care. You might not like the way she looks, but you are enabling her by continuing this way.

 

She can wear the shoes that hurt. Duct tape the heels if need be. She can figure out a way to earn money to replace her clothes and things. Once it is her money, her hard work required to replace them, she will suddenly start caring.

[HomeAgain]

I also want to say, I don't know how old your dd is, but my oldest at 12-13 was a monster to his items (which is why he is on his third ipod).  As he's grown, and we've stuck to our rule of 'buy once', he has gotten much better about caring for his things and replacing them as necessary.  We all have our little issues in this area - I buy my sunglasses from walmart because I'm not worried about them if I only spend $5 rather than $150.  My husband buys Oakleys, but bought his last pair 6 years ago (vs. my 6 weeks ago).  I have a brightly colored purse so I don't forget it.  I don't expect perfection from my kids about their items, but I feel it is my job to teach responsibility and how to recover from personal mistakes rather than providing an endless stream of replacements.  My niece and nephews are taught opposite - well, not exactly.  They are chided and lectured, but then the new item appears in its place.  There is no value given to it - the lecture is not enough of a deterrent to foster a sense of responsibility.

 

At 13, I'm not going to lecture a child.  The most I will do is ask them what they intend to do about it, give advice if they ask, and go on about my business.  If any of our friends had a problem with it they either aren't a friend or don't have children that they're raising to be adults.

[gardenmom5]

 My oldest daughter simply doesn't care about stuff.

 

 

3. She needs a headset for her online classes.  She is very careless with it, leaving it everywhere.  During her classes she often curls the cord and bends it and even chews on it.  T

 

 

5.  We got her an iPhone 2 years ago.

she cracks the screen.  Doesn't phase her.  I keep telling her to use the case.  We take away the phone if she doesn't use the case.  Nothing seems to get through to her.  Finally she smashes the entire back of her phone- all the glass shatters.  She feels remorseful about that but it's still usable so she's not really phased.  Next, she smashes the entire front of the screen and we are left with no choice but to get her a new phone.

 

 

 

 

She hates shopping.        it is important to me that she dresses well. 

 

 

Would this bother anyone else as a mother? .  I don't know how to find a balance or if maybe I'm just out to lunch. 

 

brutally honest opinion.  feel free to skip.  consider yourself warned.

first suggestion.

STOP buying her expensive things.  she doesn't care about them, *you* do.  you aren't buying them for her, but for *yourself* because *you* are concerned how she will appear to other people.  why do you care so much about "stuff" and 'appearances'?

 

so what if you're in an area where people 'dress'.  i assure you, there are people there who don't care about clothes either.  I live in an expensive area, my girls went to a pricey private college (where some parents fly in for graduation on private JETS) - without an expensive wardrobe (and an excruciatingly tight budget), and did just fine.

 

about the phone - she doesn't need an expensive phone.  if she wants one, she can pay the difference.  I'd also suggest a plexiglass screen protector.

 

2nd - about the chewing thing, it's either a nervous habit like biting fingernails, or a sensory thing.  she probably doesn't even realize she's doing it.  she doesn't need an expensive head set.  buy her a basic one that meets the needs.  if she wants something better, she can pay the difference.  you can also try getting her a piece of chewelry that she can play with instead.

 

if things start coming out of her wallet - she'll eventually start to care.

we've a friend who gave her daughter her monthly budget for all her needs except food.  she was expected to buy everything she needed. if she was out of money - there's next month.

 

 

She chooses a pair of new looking $120 Guess jeans. <snip>  shop at thrift stores  . . .

 

which is it?  $120 jeans?  or thrift store buy?

I really think this is about your need for brand names.

Edited November 4, 2016 by gardenmom5

[MedicMom]

She hates shopping and will not go. 😂 Trust me, it's problematic. She will raid my closet before heading to the mall or store. I can't explain it. She just doesn't care what she wears. I've had her show up to co-op with a shirt with holes in it. She's 15. I don't check her clothes as I have many other kids to inspect. She will wear the same shirt over and over and over again (she washes it) I actually had to start making sure she was wearing different clothes to co-op each time before people thought she only owned one shirt.

It's a clean shirt. She likes it. It's comfortable and appropriate for the situation. Who cares what other people think?

 

Is she homeschooled? I was homeschooled and looking back I realize my homeschooled friends were much less brand conscious than my non-homeschooled friends.

Frankly, your daughter doesn't care about name brands. It's not a big deal; let her shop second hand and wear whatever makes her feel comfortable and beautiful.

 

By the way, I have found as an adult I prefer pricier clothes. I find for me they fit my mom body better and last longer. I have a small but suitable and affordable wardrobe.

I also grew up in a large family. I understand about feeling judged. My mom was always worried about how we looked to others, and as a teenager it annoyed me. Now I understand a little better.

Edited November 4, 2016 by MedicMom

[LucyStoner]

Yes. She does have executive function issues. I have set up systems with her (we worked together to set them up) but she rarely uses them. It's been a very difficult process.

 

I don't want her to desire brand name things and I don't care for them for just the name. Other than the Hunter boots, I buy clothes at outlets and on sale (or thrift stores) and I choose the brand names because they are better quality. Guess jeans are nicer, thicker and fit better than a WalMart brand.

 

But you are right. Maybe I care too much. When I think about it I am sensitive to this because we are a large family and I feel very judged for this. I don't want the kids to dress frumpy and incite more judgement. We live in an area where large families are not the norm.

I get this. In a different way, I struggled with the same issue with my sons. For me it was that I grew up poor and didn't want them to be perceived as poor. I'm not into labels but I struggled to not be too intense over things like: wearing socks, keeping their good shoes good, wearing an outer layer, not wearing ratty or tattered clothes. To me, because I most often did not have good shoes, or socks or untattered clothing or an attractive coat or sweatshirt, it carried an emotional weight that my middle class sons don't understand.

 

What I came to realize though was that I was happy they didn't have the same hang ups and worry and fear born of deprivation. If they wear a holey shirt it is not because that is all they have, it's because they like it.

 

That helped me let go a bit. In worrying needlessly about how I thought other people would see and judge me, I was transferring my problems, my own shit, to them. They don't need that. I also realized that I don't judge other people based on how their child is dressed so why assume that other moms are? And if they are, are they the kind of people I feel the need to impress? Uh, yeah, no.

Edited November 4, 2016 by LucyStoner

[gardenmom5]

She hates shopping and will not go. 😂 Trust me, it's problematic. She will raid my closet before heading to the mall or store. I can't explain it. She just doesn't care what she wears. I've had her show up to co-op with a shirt with holes in it. She's 15. I don't check her clothes as I have many other kids to inspect. She will wear the same shirt over and over and over again (she washes it) I actually had to start making sure she was wearing different clothes to co-op each time before people thought she only owned one shirt.

 

if she's raiding your closet instead of grabbing something from hers - she does care.  to a point. 

the raiding your closet I would address.  THAT needs to stop.

 

so what if her shirt has a hole.  

why are you "inspecting" kids? 

*you* need to get over caring what other people think.  (as the saying goes "you wouldn't worry so much about what other people think of you if you knew how little they thought about you.").  seriously - they have their own lives, and are not obsessing about how your kids are dressed.  those that are, are shallow enough they really aren't worth your time or energy worrying about.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wouldn't spend so much time and money on the clothing stuff.  She's not interested and it's either too difficult for her to take special care of it or too uninteresting.  I'm not saying she should wear rags, I just wouldn't go to such lengths for that reaction to it.

 

I can relate to what LucyStoner says too.  I have one in particular who could care less about any of it.  I want to give him more than what I had, but he is not interested.  If I mange to drag him shopping he'll point to the first thing he sees that's as plain and simple as it gets and tell me he wants 3 of those and can we leave now.  LOL

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

if she's raiding your closet instead of grabbing something from hers - she does care.  to a point. 

the raiding your closet I would address.  THAT needs to stop.

 

so what if her shirt has a hole.  

why are you "inspecting" kids? 

*you* need to get over caring what other people think.  (as the saying goes "you wouldn't worry so much about what other people think of you if you knew how little they thought about you.").  seriously - they have their own lives, and are not obsessing about how your kids are dressed.  those that are, are shallow enough they really aren't worth your time or energy worrying about.

 

Oh I missed that part.  Hmmm...

[Bluegoat]

I'd just get her simpler clothes, lots of the same.

 

As for the expensive items, don't buy them, or don't replace them.  If she mucks up her shoes, she has no shoes.  Broken phone, she has no phone. 

 

As far as the dishes thing, I would not let her out of chores, but she'd be replacing what she destrroyed if it was a regular thing.

[Corraleno]

...she really doesn't care for brands or fashion at all.  Thing is, we live in a world that does and she's in enough classes and activities with kids who *do* care that it is important to me that she dresses well...

 

I'm sad at how much money we have spent on her on things that just get wrecked and broken but I love her enough to want her to have nice things.  I don't know how to find a balance or if maybe I'm just out to lunch.  I don't want to be an awful mother so I'm here asking for some advice.  Please be kind.  I'm at a loss here. 

 

I am sensitive to this because we are a large family and I feel very judged for this. I don't want the kids to dress frumpy and incite more judgement. 

 

 

You say you "love her enough to want her to have nice things," but really you want her to have nice things so other people don't judge you. Buying expensive things for someone who doesn't value them is not an expression of love, it's an expression of insecurity. Accepting that your DD is her own person, and that she doesn't share the value you put on these things, is a true expression of love. Anyone who is snotty enough to judge you for the size of your family, or the way your DD dresses, is not someone whose opinion you should care about — your DD's opinions and feelings are far more important.

 

If it bothers you when expensive things get damaged, then don't buy her expensive things. There is no way I would be replacing an iPhone that was broken through carelessness; if my DD did that she would either go without a phone or get a cheapo flip-phone until she earned the money to replace it. Neither I nor my kids have ever owned a pair of jeans worth $120; DS wears Wranglers and DD wears whatever brands Target sells.  Buying designer clothes on the grounds that they're better made and will last longer, when the recipient is someone you know won't take care of them and therefore the clothes will be ruined long before they wear out, doesn't make sense. And if the real reason you're buying them is to impress people that you can afford $120 designer jeans in spite of having a big family, well, that doesn't make sense to me either.

[kiwik]

Any reason kids can't wear mended clothes?

[HeWillSoar]

Could some of this be sensory related?  Chewing on cords, wearing the same thing over and over stood out to me.

 

I wouldn't spend a lot of money on things since it seems they are not important to her.  Actually, I wouldn't spend that kind of money even they were because I'm so thrifty.   

 

 

[LucyStoner]

There's a big space between WalMart and Guess jeans or ugly cheap boots and Hunter boots. I would definitely not pay for the pricey brands because it's too much to worry over.

 

I would encourage you to buy yourself the Hunter boots! And no sharing. Moms are notorious for wanting their kids to have the best and sacrificing when it comes to ourselves. Splurge on yourself a bit and let her wait for stuff like that until she won't tear it up.

[AK_Mom4]

I am raising this child (DD15).  Never intentionally destructive but Just.Doesn't.Care.

 

I like the idea of buying the nice things for you and handing them down to her.  I would totally do that with DD if her feet weren't one size smaller than mine!   It seems likely that part of your resentment here isn't just the money being spent on the nice stuff - it's the fact that YOU don't get any nice stuff and she is ruining hers.

 

My guess is that you skimp on things for you and spend on her and that's just not working. Stop buying new stuff for her and just give her hand-me-downs.  You will both be happier....

 

 

[MotherGoose]

Gently, I would say that you always have a choice to not buy a child another iPhone (or anything else) if she's proven she can't take care of the first one. Even though she's 15, she takes care of her belongings like she's 6. So if it were me, I'd be managing her belongings more like she was 6 than 15, with the exception of making sure she looks nice at certain events. (I make sure my young children dress nicely at appropriate times and wear matched clothes). So, nix the expensive jeans to wear when you're painting, but don't worry if she shows up to an event wearing holey clothes. Mama pressure isn't working but maybe peer pressure will?

Edited November 4, 2016 by MotherGoose

[Moonhawk]

Oh, I remember my mom had divided up my closet at one point.  3 sections: clothes for school and going out to the stores, clothes for home, clothes for church and events.  I could choose whatever I wanted from that section, so long as it was the right section.  Thinking about it, she must have checked regularly to make sure I wasn't mixing my closet up, and put in effort to keep it organized.  I didn't have too many clothes when this was instituted.  The nice clothes were in the back in a "out of sight out of mind" strategy.  The clothes hanging on the top pole were the clothes for daily outside wear.  The clothes on the bottom were the house clothes.  Yes, even the pants and shorts were put on the right rung.   This was probably 14-16. I had uniforms until 8th grade, so it must have been my first year of high school. 

 

Wow, I must have been a chore.  

 

This probably couldn't work if you have a lot of clothes, but if you have 1 pair of house jeans, 1 pair of out jeans, and 1 pair of nice slacks, it could be doable.  Maybe even just write "H" on the tag for clothes that can't leave the house. 

 

(This is totally disregarding your larger issue, but if you are looking for just-get-her-dressed-right ideas, thought I should share :)  )

Edited November 4, 2016 by Moonhawk

[SereneHome]

So this is just some rambling from someone who finds the whole fashion thing fascinating.

 

Where I am from, people didn't change outfits daily.  May be some did, but there were no expectation of it at all.  So when I cam to US I couldn't get used to that concept at all.  I had to go from 2 pairs for jeans to 5 just to change them daily?  Well, we didn't have money, so I had a few hand-me-downs, but the second I started working, I went crazy with buying clothes.  First, cheap ones and then more expensive ones.

 

I used to have bags and bags of perfectly good clothes going to donation every time the season change.  Shopping was a weekly occurrence with my friend.

 

And then I stopped bc it wasn't fun anymore.  And I started caring about money a lot more and didn't want to waste it.  Now shopping exhausts me and I try to avoid it at all costs.  I go twice a year  - spring and fall - to get kids' stuff.

 

My kids very often wear pants that are too short for them but that's bc they like it.  They certainly wear shirts with stains on them bc I've done a terrible job of explaining the concepts of "don't play in dirt in your brand new white shit".  They are getting better though.

 

But most of all, I REALLY don't care if people think we are poor.   I stopped caring sometime in my 20s.  As long as I was dressed appropriately for whatever occasion - I stopped caring about people's assessment of my financial situation.

 

 

 

[38carrots]

She hates shopping and will not go. 😂 Trust me, it's problematic. She will raid my closet before heading to the mall or store. I can't explain it. She just doesn't care what she wears. I've had her show up to co-op with a shirt with holes in it. She's 15. I don't check her clothes as I have many other kids to inspect. She will wear the same shirt over and over and over again (she washes it) I actually had to start making sure she was wearing different clothes to co-op each time before people thought she only owned one shirt.

 

This is your issue. :grouphug:

[ktgrok]

Buy her the cheap stuff, not nice stuff. As she said, she doesn't care. She's just not materialistic. It's not a character flaw, really to not be attached to stuff. I'm the same way. Something gets ruined, oh well. I don't really care. It's just a thing. People, animals, those I care about. Things are just things to me. Drives my husband insane. But I also know that about myself, and so buy cheap clothes, etc because I'll probably just end up staining or bleaching them anyway. Same with electronics...I don't want the nicest or the best. I want what works fine, and is cheap. 

 

Good example is sunglasses. My husband had a very nice, expensive pair and had them for 8 years with no problems. I can ruin or lose a pair in 8 minutes. So I buy cheap sunglasses. No big deal. Works, because I like the cheap ones just as well as the expensive ones. and if I am without, I am okay with that too and will just squint and not complain. 

 

It can be an issue the few times I damage something expensive, but I also know that I will, and buy extended warranties from square trade for any expensive items. (like the fitbit I kept washing by accident..sigh). The few things I really DO care about, like my grain mill or my kitchen aid mixer, I've managed not to break. Although they are kind of built like tanks, so maybe that is why. 

[ktgrok]

She hates shopping and will not go. 😂 Trust me, it's problematic. She will raid my closet before heading to the mall or store. I can't explain it. She just doesn't care what she wears. I've had her show up to co-op with a shirt with holes in it. She's 15. I don't check her clothes as I have many other kids to inspect. She will wear the same shirt over and over and over again (she washes it) I actually had to start making sure she was wearing different clothes to co-op each time before people thought she only owned one shirt.

 

But you DID explain it. she doesn't care what she wears. Many people don't. I don't. I also HATE shopping. Hate it. If I find a shirt I like I buy one in every color, and that's what I wear. Same with shorts/pants. I'd rather have dental work than go clothes shopping. 

 

This isn't a character flaw, it's a difference. Think of people like Einstein - he probably wasn't a fashion guru, lol. And probably lost/broke stuff all the time. Absent minded professor types can be very sweet, very kind, and totally annoying to those around us who are more aware of "stuff" than we are. 

[plain jane]

But you DID explain it. she doesn't care what she wears. Many people don't. I don't. I also HATE shopping. Hate it. If I find a shirt I like I buy one in every color, and that's what I wear. Same with shorts/pants. I'd rather have dental work than go clothes shopping. 

 

This isn't a character flaw, it's a difference. Think of people like Einstein - he probably wasn't a fashion guru, lol. And probably lost/broke stuff all the time. Absent minded professor types can be very sweet, very kind, and totally annoying to those around us who are more aware of "stuff" than we are. 

  

Perhaps... but I need her to care enough not to wear my stuff. lol

[Guest]

 

Perhaps... but I need her to care enough not to wear my stuff. lol

But that's an easy rule to enforce and a much smaller issue - you tell her that is YOUR closet to care for and she may not go into it and remove items without expressly asking first. Period. Pick a consequence if she disrespects that. One small rule is a lot easier to follow than ten half elucidated ones, especially for a teen with executive function issues.

[ktgrok]

But that's an easy rule to enforce and a much smaller issue - you tell her that is YOUR closet to care for and she may not go into it and remove items without expressly asking first. Period. Pick a consequence if she disrespects that. One small rule is a lot easier to follow than ten half elucidated ones, especially for a teen with executive function issues.

 

Exactly. 

[plain jane]

Thanks everyone.  I get what you are saying and I am realizing that yes, the clothes thing is my issue.  The clothes was just an example because it was fresh on my mind today but it really is everything.  She'll go feed the animals and leave the feed bucket out in field and it'll get kicked around and wrecked.  Sure, it's only $15 or so but it all starts adding.  She'll catch one of the horses to work on it then brush it and leave the brushes on the fence and they get ruined by the rain, she leaves lead ropes and they fall in the mud.  I'll buy books for the family and she'll leave them around with the spine upwards in an "A" to hold her page.- and she only does this to the family books, not her prized ones.  She shoves things in drawers and pages get bent.  It's mostly little things but once you add them all up, it does get to be expensive and frustrating to me.

 

The clothes, I will figure a way to deal with it and just not care what others think.  Now that I think on it, I believe that part of the reason I care is because she has a hard time making friends.  She admits this to me.  A lot of the girls she meets go to PS (not many hs'd teen girls around here) and I'm also trying to help her fit in.  I guess that can be seen as a way to change her?  I don't mean to.   And no, girls won't like her for what she is wearing (that's not what I mean).  I'm just trying to get her to perhaps blend in a bit more? I know girls in PS notice this sort of thing.  I'll work on myself and just let it go.  We do work on aspects of making friends and I don't focus on clothes all that much although I guess it does sound like I do in this thread.  And yes, I do see how it came across that way.   Thanks for giving me perspective.

[Arcadia]

Perhaps... but I need her to care enough not to wear my stuff. lol

Set house rules and stick with it. For my kid and relatives with EF issues, rigid rules are lots easier than flexible rules.

 

I borrowed my mom's jewelry as needed and my mom borrowed my makeup and evening handbags as needed. I was required to "doll up" a few times a year while my mom rarely attends formal events. So it is a happy arrangement as we have the same skin tone.

[FaithManor]

Put an unpleasant consequence on going into your closet and taking your things.

 

You cannot make her care, but you absolutely can stop enabling her.

[plain jane]

But that's an easy rule to enforce and a much smaller issue - you tell her that is YOUR closet to care for and she may not go into it and remove items without expressly asking first. Period. Pick a consequence if she disrespects that. One small rule is a lot easier to follow than ten half elucidated ones, especially for a teen with executive function issues.

 

You know, I never really looked at it all this way before.  Thank you.  Part of the issue is I do most of the laundry for our family together.  I need to sort jeans together as some pairs have dyed shirts dark colours and I do sort blacks and whites. So we have started doing family laundry instead of divided by age group.  All the kids help with laundry and maybe sometimes my clothes end up with hers.  I guess she doesn't seem to care enough about what she wears because she does wear my clothes but perhaps she is not meaning to.  It's just clean and there in her closet, so why not?  Does this mean I need to do all the laundry myself?  lol

[plain jane]

Put an unpleasant consequence on going into your closet and taking your things.

 

You cannot make her care, but you absolutely can stop enabling her.

 

 

I don't think she's actually going into my closet, but rather taking clothes straight off the line or from the dryer.  I never thought about it much before this thread but it's possible that she's grabbing whatever is clean and fits because she really doesn't care all that much.  I thought she had intentionally chosen mine but I've been given a new perspective that I hadn't thought about.

[Arcadia]

Is she your firstborn as well as your oldest daughter? I am a firstborn and only daughter, my dad admit many times that he did put heavy expectations on me because of first born status. My maternal aunt's oldest son has EF issues while her second oldest son is a born leader. My aunt is okay but her husband's relatives had expectations of stereotypical firstborn which my maternal cousin could never live up to.

[gardenmom5]

If your clothes end up un her closet, do not blame her for wearing them.

 

For a number of years even bill Gates had someone to help his wardrobe. He's add.

[plain jane]

So, so...

 

Teaching her to care for the things she has is DIFFERENT from teaching her to care ABOUT the brand/price/whatever is a different think.  I think it's important to teach our kids to take care of things they have and to care about the QUALITY of an item.  But price/brand and quality are just NOT always the same think and I actually think teaching our kids the difference is an important thing.  And, like I said, teaching kids to take care of what they have if for sure different than teaching them to care what brand it is. 

 

BUT, then your second paragraph, honestly, seems to unintentially negate the idea of teaching kids to care for the things they have.  Really, it does appear you care a LOT about what others think.  And it seems to me that you want to teach her to care what others think. 

 

I believe that it's important to teach our kids not to try to conform to what others think of superficial things like $120 Guess jeans and some sort of brand name boots.  Rather, I think it's VITAL to teach our kids to be CONFIDENT in the face of whatever judgement others might make.  I don't want my kids to "blend in."  I want my kids to be confident enough to be themselves and true to who they are and their values.....IN SPITE of what it might take to "blend in." 

 

 

In my second paragraph, I didn't mean the the brand of the jeans or boots.  Honest.   :)  It's more the times when she's running out the door and there's a hole in her shirt or a stain or it's pilling really badly.   That's all I meant by "blending in". I don't want her to stick out because her shirt looks really worn or dirty.   I have never asked her to dress/wear clothes because of brand.  I've never asked her to wear particular clothes, only mentioned that she change if her shirt has a hole and we are going to her debate class.

 

I would like her to take care of her jeans and not wear new jeans to paint whether they were $120 or $25 or $10.  It's not about the monetary value so much as the value of something that is clean and new.  She has 3 pairs of jeans that are worn out and have holes that would have been much more suitable for painting.

Edited November 4, 2016 by plain jane