Creep-o-meter going off.

[Miss Peregrine]

What do you do when it's the boyfriend of your adult daughter?

[Scarlett]

What do you do when it's the boyfriend of your adult daughter?

Watch him very carefully. Keep him away from any of my minor children. And probably do a background check on him . Depending on how high the meter was pegging.

[Bluegoat]

Hope she will notice sooner rather than later?

[Valley Girl]

Check him out via any and all means possible: social media, registries, even law enforcement if the situation were bad. Make sure daughter knew we were there for her no matter what. Make sure HE knew she had people looking out for her. Protect other family members vigilantly. Watch him like a hawk every time.

 

 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

Trust your instinct and keep your eyes wide open.

[StephanieZ]

Honestly, I'd probably do a full background check. I'd even pay a PI if the alarm bells were ringing. I'd only disclose this to my daughter if I found something worrisome. 

 

Meanwhile, I'd stick close like glue to dd and the man in question. I'd invite them over a lot for meals, outings, special events. . .  I'd spend lots of 1-1 time with my dd, maybe taking her to pedicures (adjacent chairs), etc, to have plenty of time to chat. I'd ask lots of open questions.

 

Depending on the kid, I'd be anything from secretive to open about my concerns. Some kids are more receptive than others. My girls would want me to tell them my concerns. My boy, probably not. I'd be careful and thoughtful and loving . . .

 

I'd go all in if my creep-o-meter was ringing about a person in an intimate relationship with my child. I would try not to be super obvious. 

[DawnM]

Run a background check. My friends ran a background check on their daughter's boyfriend when they felt this way and found out he was a felon and served time.

 

Granted, it didn't change anything, but at least it was all out in the open.

[Tap]

I would start buy Googling his name and simple variations +state name of every state he has been in.  If you know the names, add college names, high school names, street names where he grew up etc. Sometimes, just putting in the right search terms will bring up different results. IF you find something, then share it with her.

 

Otherwise just be there and if she starts to say something that confirms what you know resist the urge to bury her with your guesses.  Just nod and agree that it seems off/odd/unbecoming etc,  and use the chance to say that you will always be there if something goes wrong. 

Edited August 22, 2016 by Tap

[Katy]

Can you describe what was going on when you started getting a creepy feeling from him?

[Guest]

Have the person she listens to give her the red flags. Then put money aside for an emergency escape fund and medical fees. Friend experience is they wont listen until their injuries are severe enough.

[Miss Peregrine]

Can you describe what was going on when you started getting a creepy feeling from him?

It's a feeling I get when he's in my house. I have a feeling he us into some weird stuff (not children ). Incidentally, two other people have told me the same thing.

 

I have the gift of discernment, or very strong intuition, if you dont believe im that, that has rarely been wrong.

 

ETA: There has also been a huge change in my dd, personality interests, etc.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Miss Peregrine

[ktgrok]

Weird stuff like a cult? Drugs? 

[Miss Peregrine]

Weird stuff like a cult? Drugs?

I don't know yet.

[idnib]

ETA: There has also been a huge change in my dd, personality interests, etc.

 

This is very concerning. Can you elaborate? Has she lost interest in her previous hobbies, or developed new ones? Is he trying to put space between your daughter and friends/family?

[Outdoorsy Type]

I like the background check idea.

[BlsdMama]

Is he older?  Does she know about what a big deal trafficking is in the US?  Because if you know nothing of his background (like he isn't from around you) trafficking would be on my radar.

[MysteryJen]

PI and full background check. After hearing stories in my childhood about suprise discoveries at the altar, I have told all my kids I will do full checks on any serious relationship.

 

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

[jelbe5]

Is he isolating her from family and friends? If so perhaps he is an abuser.

 

Would you be able to talk to your dd about her changes and not mention him? "Hey, dd, it seems you are more withdrawn, etc. (whatever the changes are). Is everything okay?" I would not come out and say "since you started seeing boyfriend". Maybe saying something with love and concern but no judgement on bf would open a door to communication.

[LMD]

I would trust my adult child, respect their boundaries and do whatever I could to maintain a good relationship.

 

I think any attempt to intervene will be seen as interfering and drive her further away.

[TranquilMind]

It's a feeling I get when he's in my house. I have a feeling he us into some weird stuff (not children ). Incidentally, two other people have told me the same thing.

 

I have the gift of discernment, or very strong intuition, if you dont believe im that, that has rarely been wrong.

 

ETA: There has also been a huge change in my dd, personality interests, etc.

 

That would be pretty worrisome for me, especially the change in your daughter.  I have strong discernment as well, and it has never been wrong.  Do a background check and hire someone if you need to.   How old is this daughter? 

 

I once tipped one of mine off to something negative that had been said online (because I can find anything).  I just expressed concern and said I stumbled upon it and I would want to know.

 

Even if you don't find anything, that doesn't mean you are wrong.  Keep your eyes open. 

 

 

Edited August 22, 2016 by TranquilMind

[bettyandbob]

I'd start searching online and then move to a background check. I'd be very cautious because I'd not want to alienate dd by doing this.

[Seasider]

It's a feeling I get when he's in my house. I have a feeling he us into some weird stuff (not children ). Incidentally, two other people have told me the same thing.

 

I have the gift of discernment, or very strong intuition, if you dont believe im that, that has rarely been wrong.

 

ETA: There has also been a huge change in my dd, personality interests, etc.

This change in your dd is the biggest red flag.

 

I understand about the discernment. I also get a "vibe," more typically from places than from people. Personally I would keep my eyes and ears open and seriously think about a background check. We've all made mistakes, deserve second chances, etc, but if something is ongoing with this guy it could be worth knowing. As I said above, the changes in your dd are, to me, the biggest red flag.

[Farrar]

I feel funny about trusting a "vibe" too much. I know people here talk a lot about the gift of fear and all that - about trusting your instincts, but instincts can be so wrong and we tend to have confirmation bias when we evaluate whether they were right. I mean, people on the spectrum, people from different cultures, people who are severe introverts all can often elicit a "bad vibe" feeling from many people that's so deeply undeserved.

 

I'd try to stay focused on the evidence. Her sudden change in interests and personality is a piece of real, concerning evidence that you can talk to her about. And if you feel compelled to run a background check and to keep boundaries when kids are around and keep your eyes open, then okay. But I'd be very careful about confronting her with your gut. And careful about giving him the benefit of the doubt - it could create a situation where you're making it worse - you're cold, so he's weird, so you're suspicious, so he responds the way many people respond to suspicion, which is to be defensive, which makes you think he had something to hide. And so forth.

[lllll]

nm

Edited October 5, 2016 by Cathi

[Guest]

I feel funny about trusting a "vibe" too much. I know people here talk a lot about the gift of fear and all that - about trusting your instincts, but instincts can be so wrong and we tend to have confirmation bias when we evaluate whether they were right. I mean, people on the spectrum, people from different cultures, people who are severe introverts all can often elicit a "bad vibe" feeling from many people that's so deeply undeserved.

 

I'd try to stay focused on the evidence. Her sudden change in interests and personality is a piece of real, concerning evidence that you can talk to her about. And if you feel compelled to run a background check and to keep boundaries when kids are around and keep your eyes open, then okay. But I'd be very careful about confronting her with your gut. And careful about giving him the benefit of the doubt - it could create a situation where you're making it worse - you're cold, so he's weird, so you're suspicious, so he responds the way many people respond to suspicion, which is to be defensive, which makes you think he had something to hide. And so forth.

I don't discount the creep-o-meter, though, because I have read that oftentimes, it goes off because we did actually see/hear something but it didn't process consciously. So, part of our brain registered an actual remark or behaviour, setting off the Bad Vibe bell, though we can't put a finger on the actual evidence.

 

At the very least, it would definitely lead me to find out what I could about Creep. The internet has been an absolute boon to gathering info anonymously. But yeah, I wouldn't confront anyone with nothing but a hunch. DD changing not for the better would be a huge red flag for me. Good people in our lives don't cause us to shrink; they cause us to grow.

[lllll]

nm

Edited October 5, 2016 by Cathi

[Miss Peregrine]

I feel funny about trusting a "vibe" too much. I know people here talk a lot about the gift of fear and all that - about trusting your instincts, but instincts can be so wrong and we tend to have confirmation bias when we evaluate whether they were right. I mean, people on the spectrum, people from different cultures, people who are severe introverts all can often elicit a "bad vibe" feeling from many people that's so deeply undeserved.

 

I'd try to stay focused on the evidence. Her sudden change in interests and personality is a piece of real, concerning evidence that you can talk to her about. And if you feel compelled to run a background check and to keep boundaries when kids are around and keep your eyes open, then okay. But I'd be very careful about confronting her with your gut. And careful about giving him the benefit of the doubt - it could create a situation where you're making it worse - you're cold, so he's weird, so you're suspicious, so he responds the way many people respond to suspicion, which is to be defensive, which makes you think he had something to hide. And so forth.

So wise. Thank you.

[Samm]

Seem like time is always of the essence when there's a creep involved.  I like the advice above to make sure he knows she is looked after by many.  Then ask her about her behavior changes.  If he's gotten he to do something or into she doesn't like, she might really want to tell somebody.

[ErinE]

It's a feeling I get when he's in my house. I have a feeling he us into some weird stuff (not children ). Incidentally, two other people have told me the same thing.

 

I have the gift of discernment, or very strong intuition, if you dont believe im that, that has rarely been wrong.

 

ETA: There has also been a huge change in my dd, personality interests, etc.

 

I had this happen to someone close to me. My creep-dar rang like a tornado siren with the SO; I wasn't the only one who felt it. It took years, but it ultimately came out I was right. I once ranted to the person's mother about the creep, and the mother told me she could do nothing but love her child, keep the door open, and trust the truth would come out with time. They were hard words to hear, but ultimately the right advice to follow.

[mysticmomma]

I agree with most others. Eyes and ears open and lots of time together. Address the issues not the boyfriend.

[MinivanMom]

I feel funny about trusting a "vibe" too much. I know people here talk a lot about the gift of fear and all that - about trusting your instincts, but instincts can be so wrong and we tend to have confirmation bias when we evaluate whether they were right. I mean, people on the spectrum, people from different cultures, people who are severe introverts all can often elicit a "bad vibe" feeling from many people that's so deeply undeserved.

 

I'd try to stay focused on the evidence. Her sudden change in interests and personality is a piece of real, concerning evidence that you can talk to her about. And if you feel compelled to run a background check and to keep boundaries when kids are around and keep your eyes open, then okay. But I'd be very careful about confronting her with your gut. And careful about giving him the benefit of the doubt - it could create a situation where you're making it worse - you're cold, so he's weird, so you're suspicious, so he responds the way many people respond to suspicion, which is to be defensive, which makes you think he had something to hide. And so forth.

 

I agree.

 

I'm a big believer in trusting your gut, but I've seen a number of situations where parents had an "instinct" about someone their child was dating that was way off. I think there can be a protective vibe there that can cause a person with otherwise good instincts to overreact when their kid gets serious with a partner. Then the parents become a little too pushy with the whole keeping an eye on the relationship/showing the new boyfriend you're present-thing . . . and the child naturally draws back from what they perceive as the parents' newly controlling behavior . . . and the parents take that as proof that they were right all along about the boyfriend pulling their child away from family, etc, etc. 

 

I saw some friends go through this with their parents. They are still happily married to their wonderful partners almost 2 decades later while their relationship with their parents has never fully recovered. 

[ktgrok]

Yes, a controlling boyfriend wants to paint it as him versus her family. So don't let him. Be nice as can be to him, etc. Don't give him a "valid" reason to push you away. 

[kbutton]

I feel funny about trusting a "vibe" too much. I know people here talk a lot about the gift of fear and all that - about trusting your instincts, but instincts can be so wrong and we tend to have confirmation bias when we evaluate whether they were right. I mean, people on the spectrum, people from different cultures, people who are severe introverts all can often elicit a "bad vibe" feeling from many people that's so deeply undeserved.

 

Since we have more labels than a sticker factory at our house, I think the idea that the boyfriend could be not neurotypical is worth considering closely; however, those are serious considerations to take into account in their own right and should not be overlooked even if they "explain" the strange gut reaction.

 

If this turns out to be the case, I would want to be sure that there is good counseling and training going on if things get serious, and there are diagnostically significant things going on. This book has some good information about ADHD for instance, and how to find effective counselors for marriage and general life coaching: https://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471919697&sr=8-1&keywords=is+it+you+me+or+adult+adhd 

[Miss Peregrine]

You know, we have had tension in the past over boyfriends(I'm too involved, or I'm not involved enough) I am going to observe the best I can. She just left for college.

 

Yesterday was her first day of classes and she called me for advice after. We talked for a really long time. I really don't want to jeopardize our relationship.

 

I had thought about writing to her about him but now I think a general, "I'm here for you. If you find yourself in over your head in anything, I'm here for you" would be better.

 

Does that sound okay?

[Lady Marmalade]

You know, we have had tension in the past over boyfriends(I'm too involved, or I'm not involved enough) I am going to observe the best I can. She just left for college.

 

Yesterday was her first day of classes and she called me for advice after. We talked for a really long time. I really don't want to jeopardize our relationship.

 

I had thought about writing to her about him but now I think a general, "I'm here for you. If you find yourself in over your head in anything, I'm here for you" would be better.

 

Does that sound okay?

 

This sounds much better than a letter.  When I moved out and across country it was to be with a boy... I received such a letter and it really strained our relationship for years- even after I'd rejected that boy and moved back home.   I suggest not sending a letter and just offering to be there.  

[lauranc]

I feel funny about trusting a "vibe" too much. I know people here talk a lot about the gift of fear and all that - about trusting your instincts, but instincts can be so wrong and we tend to have confirmation bias when we evaluate whether they were right. I mean, people on the spectrum, people from different cultures, people who are severe introverts all can often elicit a "bad vibe" feeling from many people that's so deeply undeserved.

 

I'd try to stay focused on the evidence. Her sudden change in interests and personality is a piece of real, concerning evidence that you can talk to her about. And if you feel compelled to run a background check and to keep boundaries when kids are around and keep your eyes open, then okay. But I'd be very careful about confronting her with your gut. And careful about giving him the benefit of the doubt - it could create a situation where you're making it worse - you're cold, so he's weird, so you're suspicious, so he responds the way many people respond to suspicion, which is to be defensive, which makes you think he had something to hide. And so forth.

 

I agree about being very careful about confronting her.  From personal experience, I know.   You don't want to be wrong (or have her not be willing to see what you see) and make things worse.  But keep your eyes open, keep the relationship with your daughter as good as you can-- and hope, if there is something off with this guy, your daughter is able to see it sooner rather than later.

 

Edited August 23, 2016 by lauranc

[lllll]

nm

Edited October 5, 2016 by Cathi

[ktgrok]

Also, if you can keep your relaitonship strong and close, he may just back off rather than deal with that. Creepy guys don't like girls that have strong family ties.