Dating rules - how much of an age gap is acceptable for your family?

[AimeeM]

That isn't worded well. The age gap isn't concerning to me, rather, the actual ages are of some concern to me. 

 

Some of you may remember me posting about the high school senior who was hanging out with my freshman DD. The young man is the son of a good friend of DH's (and DH has known this young man since he was a young toddler). 

At first I thought the boy was trying to evangelize. He belongs to a very southern Baptist church and kept inviting DD to youth group (she didn't go).

However, as time goes on, despite her not going to youth group, they remain close.

The boy did admit to DD that he liked her as more than a friend. DD's reply was, "Well, I like cake." Not sure why she replied that, other than that she felt uncomfortable with the conversation.

To clarify, DD does like the boy as more than a friend, which is why their ability to hang out is limited to here, at our house, on the main floor. 

 

The young man has now graduated high school. He is 18. DD is almost 15. We have a strict no dating rule until 16. DD knows this and respects it. 

 

Thing is, we do like this young man. Very much. He's a good kid and treats DD very respectfully. We have no plans to change the dating rule, but it did bring to mind that when DD is old enough to date (16), the young man will be about 20. Our state laws begin to get hairy once one party turns 19, should teenagers not be intelligent in their decision making always.

 

Will they still be talking at that point? Who knows.

It did make me curious, however, how The Hive feels about these difficult age gaps, that aren't really large age gaps, but have legal issues tied into them.

 

Me and DH have a 15 year age gap, so I really don't care about the number of years - but we were both well into adulthood before we met and married, which can't really be compared to the teen years, when maturity and life experience varies so much, even in just a year or two.

[lmrich]

No answer...that is so hard. If he is a good kid and you know him well, I think you need to rely on your judgement and not his age. 

 

I went out with a guy from church. I knew he was older, but I did not really know; I thought 2 or 3 years older. He asked when I graduated so I told him last year, he responded - from college - I said - no from high school. He scooted away from me so fast and as he dropped me off, he apologized for asking me out he had not idea I was so young. I later found out he was 26. I was 18. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I agree this is difficult.  One might say well she's too young for that age difference.  However, would we also then say in 2 years it'll be fine?  It's 2 years!

 

 

[catz]

I guess I'd be discouraging any 15 year old from thinking of anyone too seriously and though I would allow friendship, I wouldn't be jumping through hoops or allowing a ton of free time for them to build a more serious relationship.  Is the young man going away to college? 

[Crimson Wife]

Until she's out of high school, I wouldn't personally be comfortable with more than a 2 year gap. 16 y.o. high school girls should not be dating 20 y.o. men IMHO. Now 18 y.o. college frosh girl dating a 22 y.o. college senior would be different.

 

I presume you met your husband after you graduated high school?

[barnwife]

 

 

Cake explanation if you missed it.  

 

[AimeeM]

I guess I'd be discouraging any 15 year old from thinking of anyone too seriously and though I would allow friendship, I wouldn't be jumping through hoops or allowing a ton of free time for them to build a more serious relationship.  Is the young man going away to college? 

He's attending the local state university (as did his father, sister, and mother, lol).

 

We certainly aren't encouraging a relationship at her age - with anyone. They aren't allowed to hang out unchaperoned.

[AimeeM]

Until she's out of high school, I wouldn't personally be comfortable with more than a 2 year gap. 16 y.o. high school girls should not be dating 20 y.o. men IMHO. Now 18 y.o. college frosh girl dating a 22 y.o. college senior would be different.

 

I presume you met your husband after you graduated high school?

I was 23 when I met my husband, so yes, out of high school.

 

She definitely doesn't throw up the "well, you and Dad have an age gap" argument, lol. She understands the difference and has in no way pushed to be allowed to date him. I was just curious how this plays out in other homes.

 

Like I said, he's a really good kid and this could just be a really good friendship that is being confused with something more because, you know, hormones and all that fun stuff.

[AimeeM]

 

Cake explanation if you missed it.  

Lol!

[Katy]

Well, I would take it on a case by case basis.  Is it possible DD likes him as well, and only made the cake comment to honor your rules about dating?

 

If he's a devout Southern Baptist, he's probably got something more like marriage in mind...  frankly if your DD doesn't believe in young marriage, she should probably discourage his friendship.  However, if you're in the South and your culture is to encourage marriage before age 23... Frankly, I'd be okay with it.

[goldberry]

I remember the cake thing!  (Does that make me old??)

[zoobie]

SC age of consent is 16. Him being over 18 would only be an issue if she were under 16.

 

I'd probably just fervently hope he found hanging out with a high school kid in her living room boring by the time he goes off to college.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I'd be very cautious with 18 and 15. There's a lot of maturing (IMO) that happens between 15 and 18, boys and girls. No harm in waiting, and it's good that your daughter isn't pushing it :)

 

Our daughter married the first person she dated, lol, but she didn't date him until she was 19 and he was 24. The 5 year gap BUGGED us at first, but man...he was a great guy. They were truly well suited. Once adulthood hits, age gaps matter so much less than life experience.

[Mama Geek]

I was 18 and dh was 26 when we started dating, we've been married 21 years.  I was in college when we met.  We have cousins who got married when 1 was in college and the other in high school.  Not sure how long they have been married but they were married when I met dh.  Character goes along way when it comes to how we view dating and age.

Edited June 8, 2016 by Mama Geek

[Katy]

I've been thinking about this more...  Because I think he would probably be more likely than most to be working towards marriage, I would be more concerned about his views on conflict resolution; how does he feel about women & submission; even if you believe in the general concept of submission as a family, where does he draw the line?  How does he handle insults?  How does he handle struggles? 

 

If she likes him, I might get her one or two of those books about hard questions to ask before you get married, even if she is pretty sure she isn't interested in marrying this particular man.  She should think about who she is and what type of person she wants.  The better she knows herself before she's in a romantic relationship, the better she will be at making choices.

[Bambam]

I've wondered about this too. The 16 year old is a child while the 19 year is technically an adult. This doesn't seem fair to me. Once both are adults, the age difference matters little to me. 

[Kassia]

My son was 18 when he started dating his girlfriend who was 15 at the time.  I was VERY uncomfortable with it - actually embarrassed by it.  He had just finished his senior year and she had just finished her freshman year.  Everyone told me the relationship wouldn't last because he was leaving for college.  Well, three years later they are still together and very much in love.  She is 18 and he is 21.  

 

I had some serious discussions with my son about respecting her age, abstinence, birth control, sexting (especially since she was under 18), etc. I know they are sexually active now, but I don't know when they started.  My son is a really good guy and he is smitten with this girl.  I was also very careful to never have them at our house unsupervised.  

 

But, her parents are divorced and neither of them seemed to care about leaving their daughter unsupervised with my son.  Not only did they not care about it, but they actually allowed her to spend the night at my son's college apartment numerous times.  He doesn't live alone, so they allowed her to sleep in a home with college boys they didn't know.  It just baffles me.  Even my son is baffled by it.  

 

I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 21, but we were both in college then and 18 is a lot different than 15.  We've been together for over 30 years now.  

 

Erica

Edited June 8, 2016 by ebh87

[AimeeM]

Well, I would take it on a case by case basis.  Is it possible DD likes him as well, and only made the cake comment to honor your rules about dating?

 

If he's a devout Southern Baptist, he's probably got something more like marriage in mind...  frankly if your DD doesn't believe in young marriage, she should probably discourage his friendship.  However, if you're in the South and your culture is to encourage marriage before age 23... Frankly, I'd be okay with it.

He is a devout Southern Baptist. 

DD does absolutely like him as well - but she's also weary regarding relationships.

 

The differences in religion is a reason we've told her to be very cautious. We do live in the South, we are practicing Roman Catholics, and there is definitely an underlying "save the heathen Catholics" tone within the evangelical protestant community. Although I no longer believe his reason for friendship is evangelizing, if marriage IS on his mind, I'm hesitant to encourage any relationship at all. DD is very headstrong and I haven't yet seen a marriage between an evangelical and a catholic work without significant strife (here, in my Bible belt area), as both denominations naturally flow into every day life regarding things like child rearing, marriage itself, etc.

 

I don't think DD is thinking about marriage yet. She is focusing on getting through high school with her eyes on college. 

[Liz CA]

He sounds like a nice young man and when they are 23 and 26 you may hope something comes of it, however, getting there is the trick (without giving in to hormones). It's a fine line to walk. I suppose you can encourage getting to know each other and keeping in contact while stressing that there are a lot of other life milestones coming up, i.e. graduations, college, etc. and that separations may be inevitable during those times but they can still work on their relationship. At 15 and 18, they still will want to date other people but if dating just means dating, it's not a bad thing. This is how you find out how compatible you are and what you like in someone and how important certain traits are to you. The unfortunate thing is that dating has taken on a different meaning and the connection forged is deeper and if a breakup results, much more painful. If this young man is going off to college, it will become apparent if he is interested in maintaining contact with your dd.

 

ETA: I just remembered that you are concerned about the Catholic/Protestant issue. You may still be concerned even when they are older but ultimately it would be their issue to work out if it ever comes to that.

Edited June 8, 2016 by Liz CA

[AimeeM]

I've been thinking about this more...  Because I think he would probably be more likely than most to be working towards marriage, I would be more concerned about his views on conflict resolution; how does he feel about women & submission; even if you believe in the general concept of submission as a family, where does he draw the line?  How does he handle insults?  How does he handle struggles? 

 

If she likes him, I might get her one or two of those books about hard questions to ask before you get married, even if she is pretty sure she isn't interested in marrying this particular man.  She should think about who she is and what type of person she wants.  The better she knows herself before she's in a romantic relationship, the better she will be at making choices.

Those are all great questions and points. 

As a family, I do (try to) submit to my husband, but DD is not me and we have very different personalities (although, I'll note that the notion of submission would have made me laugh at her age, too). It definitely isn't something we push with her at all and I can't really imagine her following suit :) It just isn't her thing.

He is an emotional young man and that discomforts DD on some level. She doesn't deal well with highly emotional people in general. It makes sense to me because she is high strung and can be rather emotional herself, so I think that subconsciously she seeks out a balance to that. When the young man is getting overly emotional about something DD tends to balk and tell him to suck it up :O We've discussed with her why that is rarely an appropriate response when someone is upset. 

[AimeeM]

He sounds like a nice young man and when they are 23 and 26 you may hope something comes of it, however, getting there is the trick (without giving in to hormones). It's a fine line to walk. I suppose you can encourage getting to know each other and keeping in contact while stressing that there are a lot of other life milestones coming up, i.e. graduations, college, etc. and that separations may be inevitable during those times but they can still work on their relationship. At 15 and 18, they still will want to date other people but if dating just means dating, it's not a bad thing. This is how you find out how compatible you are and what you like in someone and how important certain traits are to you. The unfortunate thing is that dating has taken on a different meaning and the connection forged is deeper and if a breakup results, much more painful. If this young man is going off to college, it will become apparent if he is interested in maintaining contact with your dd.

 

ETA: I just remembered that you are concerned about the Catholic/Protestant issue. You may still be concerned even when they are older but ultimately it would be their issue to work out if it ever comes to that.

I like the young man well enough, but I wouldn't be super sad if contact waned a bit while he's in college.

[shawthorne44]

It could be that emotionally they are much closer in age.   Teenage boys are soooo young.   If he was sheltered he might be even less mature than the average boy his age.  

 

My main concern would be if he was looking for a Helpless Female and your daughter might not want to be the Helpless Female when they are old enough to get married.  

[AimeeM]

It could be that emotionally they are much closer in age.   Teenage boys are soooo young.   If he was sheltered he might be even less mature than the average boy his age.  

 

My main concern would be if he was looking for a Helpless Female and your daughter might not want to be the Helpless Female when they are old enough to get married.  

DD definitely doesn't give the helpless female vibe to anyone, so I'm pretty sure that if he likes her in a certain way, he has no preconceived notions regarding her helplessness, lol. This is the same girl who got in trouble a couple years ago, at the private school she attended, for yelling in the middle of a hallway at two boys fighting over her, that they didn't "own her." 

 

Honestly, they seem to enjoy the challenge each presents to the other. She is sassy, energetic, and high strung; he is much more laid back and relaxed, but doesn't let her walk all over him. They both seem to appreciate that of the other, although it makes my head spin listening to their banter.

[JumpyTheFrog]

14 and 18 are too far apart, IMO. One of my friends is having an issue with her daughter (21) being interested in a boy who is about 17. I think my advice is to not let someone date jail bait. Wait a few years.

[Katy]

DD definitely doesn't give the helpless female vibe to anyone, so I'm pretty sure that if he likes her in a certain way, he has no preconceived notions regarding her helplessness, lol. This is the same girl who got in trouble a couple years ago, at the private school she attended, for yelling in the middle of a hallway at two boys fighting over her, that they didn't "own her." 

 

Honestly, they seem to enjoy the challenge each presents to the other. She is sassy, energetic, and high strung; he is much more laid back and relaxed, but doesn't let her walk all over him. They both seem to appreciate that of the other, although it makes my head spin listening to their banter.

 

That sort of banter and they're attracted to each other in the Bible belt?  I would express your concern that he might be working toward marriage but that the baptist/catholic union in the bible belt is rarely a successful one unless one or the other converts, and then I would let it go.   They might be in it for the long haul, and frankly it sounds as if that might be okay.

[Joanne]

The developmental difference between not yet 15 and 18 are too much for my comfort. The same gap later would be a non issue.

 

That said, I never restricted or scripted a dating age for my kids. By the time they were teens, I believed that their development of relationships was their business (with 13 years of listening to me, and continuing coaching). Like with social media, phones, etc, I gave them lots of leeway but they always knew that a higher level of involvement was possible should I have reason to be worried or concerned.

[happypamama]

Since he's not going away to college, I would not necessarily discourage it.  Long distance relationships are so hard, but especially for young people.  We did it for two years, from the time I was 16-18, and he was 18-20 -- but we'd already been together for two years at that point.  Starting a relationship that way would be hard.  But since the young man will be staying in the area, I'd be cautious.  As PPs have said, lots of changes happen between 15 and 18.  If he's a good guy, and your DD has a good on her shoulders, and he's not pressuring her in any way, then things might be just fine.  There's a big variety as to what a dating relationship, even an exclusive one, looks like.  I mean, I called DH my boyfriend for almost seven years, but at the beginning, it was more of the "special friend" variety, which is appropriate for young teens, IMO, which is very different from how it looked when we were about to get married.

 

I think the biggest thing that I would worry about is that he doesn't, even without meaning to, take time from friends and activities at her level.  Will he want to do high school level things still?  That's going to depend on him.  But I wouldn't necessarily discourage the relationship simply because of the age gap.

[Bluegoat]

I think that is a really akward gap, and that is too bad if he's a nice boy.

 

I have no issues with May December romances - I dated a man who was 46 when I was 21, and I just don't think those kinds of gaps are intrinsically bad.  But that gap between 15, even 16, and 20 is a big one.

 

My inclination would be to say, that for legal reasons if nothing else, they would have to be very low key in any kind of romance, for a number of years.  Which would mean a lot of waiting, especially for the boy who might be ready to have a more serious relationship well before then.  I can't see any real way around that, but if he is willing to wait, I guess, good for him.

 

Mu cousin and his wife have a gap like that - they were next door neighbours.  I'm not sure how much "waiting" they did - I know his mom was a bit mortified and also worried about it, but her parents were not, because they really liked my cousin.  Anyway, they have been married for many years now so I guess it can work out.

 

[Scarlett]

Her youth and the religious difference are the big issues IMO.

 

 

[mom2scouts]

When my oldest son was 15, he started dating an 18 year old senior girl with a completely different religion. When a friend asked how I felt about it, I told her I thought the girl would go off to college and that would be the end of it. I was wrong! She came back after a year of long distance dating to go to a nearby college. Seven years after they started dating, they married and they are about to celebrate their third anniversary!

[RoughCollie]

I prefer for my daughter to date men who are within 2 years of her age.  She is 20 years old and I prefer her to date men who are in the same boat she is in (college student). So far, the issue has not come up. When she was in high school, she wasn't allowed to date until she turned 16, and she was only allowed to date high school students.  Again, the issue didn't come up.

 

Once she is an actual adult (lives independently and supports herself), my views won't change much, but I would keep my mouth shut.

 

Whether the guy is a devout Christian doesn't change a thing.  I can't tell you how many young men hit on me when I was a student at a bible college. They were all student leaders, allegedly very devout. They weren't trustworthy with me, but their reputations and behavior when not alone with a female were impeccable.  I was shocked and appalled. The 60+ year old president of the college had an affair with a 19 year old student ... that ended badly for his family.  Wolves in sheep's clothing are everywhere, I guess.

 

(Reporting those guys for their behavior would have been a waste of time.  I tempted them by being female, and no one would have believed me. I was an 18 year old freshman and they were student leaders, after all.)

Edited June 9, 2016 by RoughCollie

[SparklyUnicorn]

He is a devout Southern Baptist. 

DD does absolutely like him as well - but she's also weary regarding relationships.

 

The differences in religion is a reason we've told her to be very cautious. We do live in the South, we are practicing Roman Catholics, and there is definitely an underlying "save the heathen Catholics" tone within the evangelical protestant community. Although I no longer believe his reason for friendship is evangelizing, if marriage IS on his mind, I'm hesitant to encourage any relationship at all. DD is very headstrong and I haven't yet seen a marriage between an evangelical and a catholic work without significant strife (here, in my Bible belt area), as both denominations naturally flow into every day life regarding things like child rearing, marriage itself, etc.

 

I don't think DD is thinking about marriage yet. She is focusing on getting through high school with her eyes on college. 

 

Ugh..this sounds worse to me than the age difference.  But I think this is the sort of thing where if you make too big of a deal over it that'll only make him more attractive.  She'll probably come to her own conclusions about him.  Ya know?

[Martha in GA]

My dd hit it off with her lab partner in her dual enrollment biology class at the end of her senior year -- she was 17 and he had just turned 23. She told me after the class was over that she would like to continue a relationship with him. I told her that I didn't mind her having a relationship with him, but I didn't want her to be alone with him -- that is, she could group date and socialize with him, but because of their age differences, I really didn't want them to be alone together. She has totally respected that (and, hence, my other 3 children getting to know him as well : )) Their relationship has been purely platonic -- no hugging, hand holding, etc., but lots of texting, lol. Over the past two years, we have gotten to know him and his family and we totally approve of him/them. The other day, dd asked if they could date now (she will turn 20 later this summer, and he just turned 25). Yes, I think he will be my future son-in-law after she graduates in two years -- dd goes to college about 2.5 hours away. I don't want to make it sound like I ruled over our daughter with an iron fist with respect to dating him, she has just been respectful and understanding of my stance on the issue (as as he), and she has her own high standards about male/female relationships. He graduated this May and has been working full time since January (found a job in his field before he even graduated). I am thankful that they have had the chance to get to know each other these past two years without the pressure of being romantically involved. Also, I didn't want her to head off to college feeling like she had already made a commitment to him.