Mean Girl Strategies

[maize]

Given this girl's stated strategy I would be strongly tempted to have my child wear some kind of hidden recording device. Seriously, if I were the girl's mother I would want her to learn a lesson now about premeditated dishonesty--before it turns into legal trouble as an adult!

 

(Don't know that this would actually be a good strategy, I just like the mental image of catching the girl out in her lies!)

Edited April 23, 2016 by maize

[amsunshine]

OK, so what do I say?  How do I approach the teacher and director so that we will be believed and they will take appropriate action?  I believe the director cares about bullying and wants all her programs to be safe and positive experiences for the kids.  But MG is charming, and her and her family are entrenched in this businesses classes (it's not a dance studio it's a theater program with dance, acting, etc.)

 

This is tough, but my guess is that the teacher and the director are well aware of what's going on, unless they are totally blind.  They may just not know how to deal with it or think ignoring it will work.  Worse still, they might just not want to deal with it.  You will never know until you talk to them.

 

And, to open the conversation, I would just let them know that your dd has been sharing some things with you that have caused you to be concerned and you are wondering if the teacher/director has observed anything similar.  So, you are not necessarily being accusatory, but simply trying to open a dialogue about the situation to get more information. 

 

When this happened with our family, this is how I did it.  I was surprised to learn both the teacher and the director were very tuned in to the situation, but just wouldn't do anything about it.  I did not threaten to leave, or anything like that (although that is ultimately what we did), because I just wanted them to do the right thing for its own sake.  Turns out, dd is at a much better studio, with a much better crowd of friends.  Nothing's perfect, of course.  But, as a previous poster mentioned, we got the book "Queen Bees and Wannabes" and read it together.  DD is much stronger now because of that whole situation and knows how to deal with/steer clear of the queen bees.  Everything worked out for the better.

 

Hugs to you -- and good luck!

Edited April 23, 2016 by amsunshinetemp

[The Governess]

I'm so sorry. :( I really like the idea of giving your daughter some neutral responses that will shut down mean girl, like "That's okay," "That's an interesting thing to say," etc. Tell her instructors what is going on and that your Dd is going to be working on being more assertive in class when she is bullied rather than staying silent. If your Dd is not afraid of getting in trouble it will be easier for her to speak up. Then do a lot of role playing with Dd and help her come up with a bunch of responses to mean girl's comments. They should be as neutral as possible, not retaliatory. You don't want to try to put her in her place, but rather diffuse the conversation so there's no where else for it to go.

 

"I don't like you."

 

"That's okay, you can't like everybody." Smile.

 

"You're too heavy."

 

"That's an interesting thing to say." Smile.

 

"Your shirt is weird."

 

"Thanks, I'm kind of liking weird right now." Smile.

 

Practice enough so that these sort of responses become automatic.

 

I hope things get better for her soon! No one should have to put up with people like this. :(

[8circles]

That is a risk, yes, which is why when speaking to the studio the OP needs to make it clear that she will leave - and tell others why - if the situation is not remedied, and quickly. And then she needs to follow through.

 

This, this, this.

 

All of Tanaqui's posts are spot-on.  (& Tsuga's regarding handling this behavior in your own house)

 

*You* have to be willing to draw a boundary that protects your child & *you* have to be willing to stick with it.  This isn't the time to be nicey-nicey & keep superficial friendships.  This "mean girl" (understatement) behavior is so damaging to the person & the whole community as well.  

 

Don't frequent businesses (or co-ops or any groups, really) who allow this to go on.

Don't be friends with people (even casual friends) who allow this to go on.

[maize]

This, this, this.

 

All of Tanaqui's posts are spot-on. (& Tsuga's regarding handling this behavior in your own house)

 

*You* have to be willing to draw a boundary that protects your child & *you* have to be willing to stick with it. This isn't the time to be nicey-nicey & keep superficial friendships. This "mean girl" (understatement) behavior is so damaging to the person & the whole community as well.

 

Don't frequent businesses (or co-ops or any groups, really) who allow this to go on.

Don't be friends with people (even casual friends) who allow this to go on.

It absolutely is damaging to the entire community, and if the program director is sensible they will be grateful to have it brought to their attention so they can address it. This behavior poisons the atmosphere for everyone, inuding the girls who cluster around MG.

[Tsuga]

This is tough, but my guess is that the teacher and the director are well aware of what's going on, unless they are totally blind.  They may just not know how to deal with it or think ignoring it will work.  Worse still, they might just not want to deal with it.  You will never know until you talk to them.

 

 

Denial is pretty powerful. Mom can think to herself that they're actually friends and that "it goes both ways" until confronted. Then she might lash out.

 

I agree, you have to be ready to leave.

 

You also have to be ready for them to pull out the nuclear options. Bullies rely on fear. They take advantage of your desire not to "offend" them.

 

But they make it so that  anything you say offends them. Your existence offends. They will back you into a corner so that saying "that hurts me" is offensive because "it's a lie". Twisting words, etc.

 

So you have to be prepared to go through their intense saga of self-defense and extreme behavior before you get to a safe place yourself. If you aren't prepared to do that, they can control you for life.

[MysteryJen]

If we had options to change teams, we could have made the situation better. But for lots of complicated reasons, we couldn't leave. We tried: confrontation (didn't work, led to bullying on social media and being labeled the problem), talking to the coach (didn't see the behavior...because it was subtle mean girl stuff that never happened in his earshot and he didn't want to deal), talking to parents who didn't believe the depth of the problem and when faced with evidence took away the iPhone for 1 day.

 

Dd2's toughness is becoming legendary and she has reached a sort of arrangement with the other girls. They will talk to her when the mean girls aren't around. This behavior, unchecked by anything we could do, has poisoned the senior team atmosphere, maybe permanently. I am hoping for a change soon, but it is very complicated.

 

My advice, which I wished I had followed myself! Is to find a place to go, then talk to teachers and directors. Your dd will be relieved, really, that you stepped in, and if things are not handled well, leave. Tell everyone the honest truth when they ask. Name names. I own my behavior and other people should own theirs.

 

I used to think you could confront and stand up for yourself, or ask for help from teachers and parents and things would get better. I don't think that anymore.

[Tanaqui]

Regarding being casual friends with her mom, it's a small homeschool community. I can't just cut her off. Besides, we're not close. We used to be closer but now she's someone I know and chat with while waiting to pick up my kids.

 

I don't see why not. You just said her daughter "just cuts people off" all the time, isn't that what she's doing to your younger kid? Surely that class is smaller than your homeschool community. You might not want to do this, and you might think it'll cause more harm than good (and for all I know, that last part is true, although I doubt it. Given what you've said, if the entire homeschool community in your area decided to side with this mom and her brat of a kid, you might be better off without them), but you actually can do this, if it comes to that.

 

As for what to tell the studio, I suggest you tell them just what you've told us - both your daughters have been experiencing verbal harassment and a campaign of ostracism from the same person in their classes. If the studio doesn't handle it, you'll take your business elsewhere, and you will tell people why. (If they don't jump in with a plan for handling this, you may need to suggest one.)

 

A similar speech can be used for the mother, except that in this case, she knows her daughter is mean. "Listen, your daughter's behavior is unacceptable. She has been harassing both my kids for months now, and probably other children as well. She needs you to step up and enforce some ground rules, because this behavior is only hurting her in the long run."

 

But listen, it might not work. Worse comes to worst, you might end up having to leave this activity and doing a different one entirely - one with little to no overlap with this girl's social group. Which would suck, but....

[QueenCat]

This.  My dd was bullied by a girl in dance and when she finally would confront her, the girl would say, "Oh, I was just kidding, why are you being so sensitive" or "I didn't do anything, why are you picking on me," etc.  She tried to turn it around and act as if my dd was the one who was being mean to her by asking her why she was saying or doing the things she did (pushing her in class, calling her a "showoff" under her breath, etc, laughing and snickering, etc.) 

 

Sometimes these girls are so manipulative, it's just better to get your child away from them.  That's what we finally did.  

 

This is why I would not say anything to the bully's mother. The bully will make her mother believe that the OP's daughter is exaggerating, etc. I would, however, address it with the studio owner and teach my daughter strategies (which would include some comebacks, which need to be short and simple to be effective, from my experiences).

[shinyhappypeople]

I don't see why not. You just said her daughter "just cuts people off" all the time, isn't that what she's doing to your younger kid? Surely that class is smaller than your homeschool community. You might not want to do this, and you might think it'll cause more harm than good (and for all I know, that last part is true, although I doubt it. Given what you've said, if the entire homeschool community in your area decided to side with this mom and her brat of a kid, you might be better off without them), but you actually can do this, if it comes to that.

 

As for what to tell the studio, I suggest you tell them just what you've told us - both your daughters have been experiencing verbal harassment and a campaign of ostracism from the same person in their classes. If the studio doesn't handle it, you'll take your business elsewhere, and you will tell people why. (If they don't jump in with a plan for handling this, you may need to suggest one.)

 

A similar speech can be used for the mother, except that in this case, she knows her daughter is mean. "Listen, your daughter's behavior is unacceptable. She has been harassing both my kids for months now, and probably other children as well. She needs you to step up and enforce some ground rules, because this behavior is only hurting her in the long run."

 

But listen, it might not work. Worse comes to worst, you might end up having to leave this activity and doing a different one entirely - one with little to no overlap with this girl's social group. Which would suck, but....

 

There is value in maintaining a level of friendliness and civility to MG's mom.  I have to suck it up.  We're not close friends, in the sense that I don't invite her over to my home for BBQs or call just to chat.  But I absolutely will (and have to) maintain friendly, civil interactions and be the bigger person.  At this point, I talk to her maybe 5 minutes a week.  It's not going to kill me.

 

I'm not going to bother discussing her daughter's behavior with her, though.  She knows what her daughter is like and has an excuse for everything.  My gosh, if it were just normal tween behavior I would understand and sympathize with her.  Sometimes kids can be little jerks.  Mine have had their moments, for sure!  But she isn't able to see that MG's behavior goes waaay beyond that.

 

I ordered Queen Bees and Wannabes from our library ILL.  I can't wait to read it.  I'm going today to pick up Odd Girl Out.  I hope these books help.  I need answers.

Edited May 3, 2016 by shinyhappypeople

[musicianmom]

I can't help but point out that a board full of grown women can't come to an agreement about the best way to handle a bully, yet our society expects tweens and young teens to figure out how to do it when they're being victimized. Kind of unrealistic, isn't it?

[shawthorne44]

Yeah, that is because we didn't learn ourselves when we were youngins.  
 

[Critterfixer]

 

I can't help but point out that a board full of grown women can't come to an agreement about the best way to handle a bully, yet our society expects tweens and young teens to figure out how to do it when they're being victimized. Kind of unrealistic, isn't it?

 

I think as adults we have more options. That still doesn't make it easy to deal with a bully as an adult. 

The situation that the OP's daughter is in reminds me of workplace bullying. I'd be tempted to deal with it by going to the superior in charge and moving up the chain of command, documenting all the way.

[Guest2]

My daughter has been in those situations. I'm trying to think what she would respond with. She uses "that's hurtful" with exaggerated facial expression, or "that's hurtful ..or it would be if you were someone else",followed by a chuckle. When the mean girl says insuluts out loud, my daughter would address each one by using the "Wow,that's really hurtful. Teacher, did you hear that, so hateful. I bet you aren't going to allow that right?"

 

Using humor and being vocal with some standard comments seems to work well. " Teacher, I believe she has just hurt my self esteem, you know I will carry the scars for the rest of my life , right? Maybe she needs a hug? Should we all give her a hug?"

 

 

If the girl is Christian, sometimes she might say something to remind mean girl of her church or religion. After the "I don't like you," she might say ,"Where do you go to church..yikes.." Or "way to be like Jesus", or "Is that your favorite bible verse?"My daughter is not mean back ,usually. Since the girl is whispering and invading personal space, my dd might ramp it up a little. She might ask the mean girl ,"when last time you brushed your teeth..wow".

 

Teach your daughter how to handle it, but know that quitting is not handling it, nor is taking no action. If she can't be bold and verbal, then she needs to enlist the other girls . I don't like this well, as it can become a witch hunt full of gossip. Adults rarely deal with bullies.

 

Being confident and having humor is the way to stamp out the bullying behavior.

[shinyhappypeople]

My daughter has been in those situations. I'm trying to think what she would respond with. She uses "that's hurtful" with exaggerated facial expression, or "that's hurtful ..or it would be if you were someone else",followed by a chuckle. When the mean girl says insuluts out loud, my daughter would address each one by using the "Wow,that's really hurtful. Teacher, did you hear that, so hateful. I bet you aren't going to allow that right?"

 

Using humor and being vocal with some standard comments seems to work well. " Teacher, I believe she has just hurt my self esteem, you know I will carry the scars for the rest of my life , right? Maybe she needs a hug? Should we all give her a hug?"

 

 

If the girl is Christian, sometimes she might say something to remind mean girl of her church or religion. After the "I don't like you," she might say ,"Where do you go to church..yikes.." Or "way to be like Jesus", or "Is that your favorite bible verse?"My daughter is not mean back ,usually. Since the girl is whispering and invading personal space, my dd might ramp it up a little. She might ask the mean girl ,"when last time you brushed your teeth..wow".

 

Teach your daughter how to handle it, but know that quitting is not handling it, nor is taking no action. If she can't be bold and verbal, then she needs to enlist the other girls . I don't like this well, as it can become a witch hunt full of gossip. Adults rarely deal with bullies.

 

Being confident and having humor is the way to stamp out the bullying behavior.

 

Oh my gosh, your daughter is hilarious :)

 

My daughter refuses to talk back to MG because she is convinced that MG will  only escalate things.  We're going to discuss it more today.  Her class with MG is this afternoon.  DD is softening to the idea of me discussing this with the director (softening=not adamantly stating "no.")  I'm playing the, "Think of MG's future victims.  You can protect other girls." card.  I have told her "Quitting class isn't handling it."  (Thank you to all of you that pointed that out.)

 

The director is almost always in the waiting area along with the parents (including MG's mom), so I have to figure out a way to speak to her discreetly.  Probably an email would be best?   MG's mom is very invested in the programs there, volunteers a lot, etc. so I don't feel optimistic.  But, at the very least, the director will be put on notice.  She can never say "I had no idea MG was a bully!"  

 

OK, who wants to help me prepare what to say (in person or email)?

[Guest2]

I would go another route, if she can't engage with MG, I would encourage her to cultivate friendships with the other girls. She needs to let some friendly other girls in on what is going on and have them listen for the whispers. She needs a group of peers to handle this , if she can't on her own yet.

 

The adults might help a little, but ultimately they don't usually fix the problem.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Silver Brook

[Critterfixer]

I think that you do need to speak to the director in person. Send her an email requesting a time to speak with her in private outside of the class period. I would say that you need to discuss a situation occurring during the class period that your daughter has made you aware of, and you would prefer to discuss this in a private manner.

Then you have given the director a head's-up that you are serious about this, and you are also making it evident to your daughter that you are keeping the class itself out of the immediate vicinity when you meet with the director.

[Xahm]

Maybe to help get your daughter's full buy-in it would help to point out to her that she's not the only one being harmed. Yes, there are other victims, but your daughter might see that as "yeah, and their moms don't see a need to tattle." Show her that Mean Girl is also hurting herself by making herself into a terrible person. The adults in her life need to have the chance to intervene and help MG not be terrible. I'm more concerned for the victims, of course, but maybe that would frame it in a way that your daughter would accept action by you as necessary.

[Guest2]

Does this class end next month or does it go through the summer? I might be inclined to try the above strategies and keep studio number 3 in my back pocket for fall. Hopefully it will all work out. I wouldn't spell out any particular difficulites in an email, though.

 

If your daughter gets into studio number 3 in fall,she can work on establishing friendships, having the girls over ect, so if MG joins..MG will have to behave as she will be the outsider. Your daughter might feel more comfortable to be able to stand up for herself in a supportive environment

 

I shared a bit about my daughters,but didn't mention that we have worked on not being a victim for many years. We role played, and talked about this kind of thing for years. They developed their own strategies over time. They both had MG in their life, and were bullied in a martial arts class. They were very timid, and one has some anxiety. Hugs for you too OP..not an easy thing for moms either.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Silver Brook

[shinyhappypeople]

DD is in 2 classes with MG.  Most of the issues take place in dance, which is why, for the sake of brevity, I think I only mentioned dance in my OP.

 

So, today, she's in a homeschool enrichment class with MG and the whole class was playing a card game that had questions like name something you shouldn't send through the mail and silly questions like that.  

 

One card said, "Name something that jiggles."  MG said "[DD's name].  (DD is overweight)

 

DD's friend and another kid heard MG, but they were about 10 feet from the teacher and she didn't hear what MG said.

 

DD has, very reluctantly, given me her blessing to speak to the adults in charge and has promised to continue to share what's happening.

 

Pray for me, pray for my daughter, and pray for Mean Girl.  I am feeling just.so.done. right now. 

 

[Critterfixer]

:grouphug: to you and to your daughter. I'm so glad that she is allowing you to advocate for her. 

[amsunshine]

This is why I would not say anything to the bully's mother. The bully will make her mother believe that the OP's daughter is exaggerating, etc. I would, however, address it with the studio owner and teach my daughter strategies (which would include some comebacks, which need to be short and simple to be effective, from my experiences).

 

Yep.  I won't ever do that again.  I learned the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree.

[maize]

I so want to see what happens if your dd wears this to class: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B008334W78/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1461804732&sr=8-2&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=hidden+microphone&dpPl=1&dpID=410lAgM2vDL&ref=plSrch

Edited April 28, 2016 by maize

[Seasider]

DD is in 2 classes with MG. Most of the issues take place in dance, which is why, for the sake of brevity, I think I only mentioned dance in my OP.

 

So, today, she's in a homeschool enrichment class with MG and the whole class was playing a card game that had questions like name something you shouldn't send through the mail and silly questions like that.

 

One card said, "Name something that jiggles." MG said "[DD's name]. (DD is overweight)

 

DD's friend and another kid heard MG, but they were about 10 feet from the teacher and she didn't hear what MG said.

 

DD has, very reluctantly, given me her blessing to speak to the adults in charge and has promised to continue to share what's happening.

 

Pray for me, pray for my daughter, and pray for Mean Girl. I am feeling just.so.done. right now.

Wow. I am so sorry for your daughter. What horrid thing to say.

 

I know you said the other mom is quite involved at the dance studio, but is that also true at the co-op? Because that teacher definitely needs to be in the loop. And she needs to hone in like radar and catch MG in the act and escort her right out of class.

[shinyhappypeople]

I spoke with director of the dance program tonight.  She is very unhappy with MG, completely believes me and DD, and we're working together to figure out how to resolve this.  I could not have asked for a better response.  Seriously.  

 

I'm SO GLAD you all pushed back about my initial decision to keep quiet.   You were right. 

[mamiof5]

How I wish your dd called her out on that last comment, just have her repeat what she said out loud! But, I see how this is easier said than done, and I'm an adult, I can handle it (hopefully), but your dd is so young. We have 3 dds, my blood literally boiled after reading that "jiggles" comment. I am so glad you spoke up and got a good response from the program director!! I hope something can be done...NOW. What about your youngest? Who is in charge of those classes? Can't have your youngest putting up with her either. I will pray for you all! What a sad situation :(

[Tanaqui]

I spoke with director of the dance program tonight.  She is very unhappy with MG, completely believes me and DD, and we're working together to figure out how to resolve this.  I could not have asked for a better response.  Seriously.  

 

I'm SO GLAD you all pushed back about my initial decision to keep quiet.   You were right. 

 

*hugs*

 

I'm so glad to hear that! Fingers crossed that it goes just as well when you speak to the teacher of that enrichment class.

[Scarlett]

I spoke with director of the dance program tonight. She is very unhappy with MG, completely believes me and DD, and we're working together to figure out how to resolve this. I could not have asked for a better response. Seriously.

 

I'm SO GLAD you all pushed back about my initial decision to keep quiet. You were right.

Very glad to hear this. Some parents and adults in general have decided to address a bully in our kids group. MG is only 10. She is very bright, very cute, precocious, charming....seriously until you know her for what she is you just can't imagine how she acts to other girls while she think no adult is listening.

 

Our plan is to not let her out of our site and earshot. And to address each and every mg thing she does. And to not reward her mg behavior with letting her come to ou house for play time. One mom told her this week she couldn't come over because she had treated this mom poorly. Her mom is aware of her dd's meanness and is distraught that she will be unmanageable as an teen.

Edited April 29, 2016 by Scarlett

[shinyhappypeople]

Putting on my raincoat 'cause the crap's hitting the fan.

 

DH had to talk me down yesterday.  So here are the facts:

 

1.  MG has bullied DD for many months (and froze out younger DD prior to that).  

2.  When someone is being hurt it is important to speak up.

3.  It is not wrong to try to stop someone from hurting my kid.

4.  My kids have no obligation to socialize with someone who has hurt them.  My rule is "Say hello, show basic courtesy, but you don't have to socialize beyond that."

 

MG's mom is going full-throttle passive-agressive.  I'm now the bad guy and her daughter is the victim.  So... yeah.

 

This is not going to end well for MG's mom.  Even if I'm the one who loses friends over this (and I almost certainly will), I'll get through this just fine, and she's the one who's eventually going to have to deal with the crap that she's trying desperately to avoid and deny today.

 

Here's the thing, I pretty much like everyone.  Really.  Vaxx/no-vaxx, unschool/school-at-home, gay/straight, atheist/fundy, Sanders/Trump... meh, I don't care.  But if your kid is a nasty little narcissist and you decide to lash out at ME for telling you what's going on and asking for help solving the problem, then I'm all.done.with.you.  Will I say hello and extend basic courtesy?  Yup.  That's who I am, and I will not demean myself by being rude.  But, beyond that, we're DONE.

 

 

 

 

 

[SproutMamaK]

I'm so sorry she's chosen to respond this way. It's not unexpected, but it still stinks. You're doing exactly the right thing, and honestly pretty much the same thing you should be teaching your daughter to do. Hold your head high and don't engage, and if she refuses to back off you treat her comments and ridiculous and not worthy of bothering you... because they ARE ridiculous and not worthy of bothering you.

It's amazing how often the parents of bullies respond this way. I'm not sure if that's because they're bullies themselves and have trained their children to follow in their footsteps, or because they themselves have allowed themselves to be unwittingly controlled by their children and respond accordingly. Either way, it's sad for both them AND their children.

[Scarlett]

Did you talk to MG mom or did the dance instructor ?

[Tanaqui]

That poor girl. She needs her mother to be a parent, and she's just not willing to do so. Your kid will be fine in the end.

[shinyhappypeople]

Did you talk to MG mom or did the dance instructor ?

 

I spoke to the teachers and also sent her mom an "I know you don't approve of this behavior, but here's what happened... let's try to resolve this" email.

 

I don't know if either of the teachers have contacted her yet.

[eternalsummer]

Not unexpected; I am so glad you are standing up for your daughter and doing the right thing.  If this treatment by MG's mom is an echo of how MG treats your daughter, imagine how awful it must be for her!  It is good that you and your daughter are on the same side and that your daughter can see that.

[MegP]

The apple does not fall far from the tree. Guess who likely taught MG to be an MG?

[Tanaqui]

I spoke to the teachers and also sent her mom an "I know you don't approve of this behavior, but here's what happened... let's try to resolve this" email.

 

I don't know if either of the teachers have contacted her yet.

 

It was the right thing to do, even if it didn't work. (And to be fair, there was always a decent chance it wouldn't work.) No sarcasm, I'm absolutely certain you worded that email so carefully that she had to be looking for something to offend her.

[shinyhappypeople]

It was the right thing to do, even if it didn't work. (And to be fair, there was always a decent chance it wouldn't work.) No sarcasm, I'm absolutely certain you worded that email so carefully that she had to be looking for something to offend her.

 

Yeah, it just felt like a necessary step, you know?  For better or worse, I tried.  I'm feeling more and more like how MG and her mom act is completely irrelevant.  I am determined that I will rise above and move on. I did my best and tried to do the right thing. 

 

"No one can make you feel inferior (or shamed or afraid or...) without your consent," right?  Well, I am revoking my consent.

 

The weather is beautiful today.  My children are healthy and happy.   We have a safe, decent place to live and healthy food to eat.  There is no reason at all for today to be anything but a good day.

 

MG's mom can be miserable and bitter if that's what she chooses.  She can gossip and divide and behave in ways that demean her.  That's not my concern.

 

Today I choose to be happy.   :p

Edited April 30, 2016 by shinyhappypeople

[MysteryJen]

((Shinyhappypeople))

 

Trying to do the right thing and raise girls who will. Not. Be. Treated. Badly is filled with setbacks and unfortunate encounters with people who just want everything to be nice. Even if that means letting mean girls rule the roost.

 

Keep your chin up. Truth always finds the light.

[Seasider]

This was never going to be easy, aye? You did the right thing. Keep your chin up and proceed as you plan to, with dignity, courtesy, walking in the truth. What anyone else does, says or thinks is up to them. Best thing you can do now is to remain joyful and let the fallout bounce off. You will never be wrong for having taken a stand to correct the problem.

 

We went through something similar, and when high school age MG was called out after I contacted the teacher, the parent responded by initiating a smear campaign against my dd, cozying up to other parents and telling horrible lies about my dd's character and behavior. Those who mattered knew better, but it was hard for my girl. Eventually the result was that MG was ostracized by the other kids (who couldn't believe that MMom would stoop so low) and a big rift between MG and MMom. Please know that you are doing the right thing even though it's hard. I can't help but think if someone had stood up to the MG/MMom in our lives at an earlier stage of life, my poor dd wouldn't have had to endure what she did. Your actions now may help spare others in the future.

 

Many have recommended the Queen Bees & Wanna Bes book. Here is another I found helpful:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Mean-Girls-Grown-Afraid-Bees/dp/0470168757

[Guest]

I found when I was that age and being picked on, the best response was "Thanks" or "That's nice". It took the wind out of their sails when they didn't get an upset response.

 

That said, I agree with those that say to override her wishes. It sounds like they can't avoid seeing each other, and this situation needs addressed.

[Guest]

This is horrible advice as a parent, but my gut instinct if I were your daughter would be to soundly smack MG across the mouth if she dared get in my face and say such horrible things. A good fight sometimes works well for bullies who persistently cannot be reasoned with or ignored. In fact, I might even have out and out punched her in my youth and I am not a physical or violent person. But that is really crossing the line.

 

I'm sorry I don't have any wise grow up advice like the other posters. They have given you good ideas. But your DD is in a tough spot and I really empathize.

[Critterfixer]

There is a part of me that would very much like to see MG get a taste of her own behavior, but truly, the high road is the better road. 

 

I don't find the Mom's response to be unexpected either, however, I am very pleased that you had such a positive response from the instructor. Because the instructor has the opportunity to halt the bullying in the class, and to bring the matter to the attention of MG's Mom. You now have at least one potential ally in your corner, and I wouldn't be at all shocked if you find more. Be polite, be firm, and continue to show your daughter than when it comes to people trying to walk all over you, there is no quarter given. You stick to your word, you find solutions, and you implement them. And you keep after it.

 

And you didn't try to do the right thing. You did your best and you did the right thing. It is always the right thing to stand up for your girls and show them that you don't have to fight alone. Not when you have a person who loves you, cares for you and will go to war with you.

[shinyhappypeople]

"I can't punish what I haven't seen" <---- response to my suggestion that MG perform acts of service (e.g. vacuum the lobby) as a consequence for bullying behavior. 

 

My (internal) response: [unprintable] All.done.  

 

MG will face ZERO consequences for bullying others. 

 

Last night DD asked to quit dance class, even though their recital is 3 weeks out.  I'm now inclined to allow it.  

 

There have been more comments implying DD is bringing this on herself.  Why in hell are people circling around to protect poor, pathetic MG?  Are they that blind or merely stupid?

 

I have one card left to play.  It won't affect this dance class or the enrichment class, but it will keep DD safe from MG at homeschool events.  

 

 

[Tsuga]

This is horrible advice as a parent, but my gut instinct if I were your daughter would be to soundly smack MG across the mouth if she dared get in my face and say such horrible things. A good fight sometimes works well for bullies who persistently cannot be reasoned with or ignored. In fact, I might even have out and out punched her in my youth and I am not a physical or violent person. But that is really crossing the line.

 

I'm sorry I don't have any wise grow up advice like the other posters. They have given you good ideas. But your DD is in a tough spot and I really empathize.

 

My neighbor's daughter once got sent home from school for punching a boy in the face.

 

He was tearing the wings off a butterfly strip by strip and wouldn't stop when she said "no".

 

 

 

 

 

Hard to really take the principled line on that one. No punishment was meted out at home. Honestly, I'm tired of bullies running our society as well.

 

 

 

 

I would not quit right now. Three weeks is not a long time.

 

And I do have to say... keep walking up to them. Big smile. Bullies aren't smart. They are using the absolute lowest method--breaking the most basic rules--to get the absolute most basic response (submission / revulsion). These people take a long time to get it. Not because they are strong but because they are dumb as rocks in that respect.

 

Narcissism has ONE tool. You have a million. They seem smart because it's so effective but when you realize that they only have literally one way of achieving ONE response and that is their ENTIRE EMOTIONAL LIFE--well, you kind of get it. It's like being really great at using a sledgehammer, but not owning a screwdriver. Even though it feels like a screwdriver, tearing you apart, if you think about it, this girl's tactics are very basic. "You're ugly." "You're fat." "You're stupid." "I don't like you." What does she think, she's going to get the Nobel Prize for originality in insults? I mean come on. It's almost comical how un-original their insults are. The reason so few people really exact emotional torture is that people who are smart enough to understand emotions to that degree usually don't have a malfunctioning sense of morality. But the really harsh thing to do would be to have a party and then cancel it and say "Oh, I forgot to tell you, we had to cancel it because nobody wanted to come if you were coming." Like that would be MEAN. But you know what?

 

They don't actually do that. They aren't that smart. They can't really hurt you. It's like criminals. Even the smartest criminals are usually pretty stupid--it is extremely rare for a criminal to come up with a good crime. So rare they make movies about it and the movies happen more often than the crimes. Usually their tools are simple: threaten with heavy object or firearm, plausible deniability, lie lie lie. There are no plots. They can't do it.

 

They're going to keep pounding away with that sledgehammer. Let them. You're a diamond inside.

 

That's what I told my daughter when she faced a boy, not as sophisticated but equally rude. It took about three months of "WHAT TYLER??? WHAT?" for him to stop with her, another year of the other kids taking the same tack for him to adjust his way of working.

 

They only have a sledgehammer but you have all the tools. Use the sledgehammer to your advantage. Repeated, constant, unfailing cheer and "When are you going to apologize?"

 

Invite other kids over. Repeatedly. Don't mention MG. If they bring it up, "Oh, MG. Well, you know what they say, if you don't have anything nice to say, change the subject. Wanna go to the park?"

 

Again. Again. Again. Again. I don't deny it is grating and I would probably leave after the school year but leaving now will really hurt you in the long run.

 

You will win, I promise, because you're a diamond inside, whereas the bully has nothing inside. That's why they think the sledgehammer will work.

Edited May 3, 2016 by Tsuga

[amsunshine]

"I can't punish what I haven't seen" <---- response to my suggestion that MG perform acts of service (e.g. vacuum the lobby) as a consequence for bullying behavior. 

 

My (internal) response: [unprintable] All.done.  

 

MG will face ZERO consequences for bullying others. 

 

Last night DD asked to quit dance class, even though their recital is 3 weeks out.  I'm now inclined to allow it.  

 

There have been more comments implying DD is bringing this on herself.  Why in hell are people circling around to protect poor, pathetic MG?  Are they that blind or merely stupid?

 

I have one card left to play.  It won't affect this dance class or the enrichment class, but it will keep DD safe from MG at homeschool events.  

 

I'm so sorry!  This is so typical.  What I found, too, is that people just don't want to deal with it and are just glad their kid was not the target.  So, very little to no support from other parents who see and even acknowledge the behavior but just want to stay out of the situation.

 

On the other hand, if your dd quits dance now, the bully wins, kwim?  If I were you, I'd not let her quit but I would be at the studio for every class, every rehearsal, and be a backstage mom during the recital watching everything like a hawk and being ready to step in on your dds behalf, if necessary.  In the meantime, be looking for a new studio and start fresh in the fall.

 

ETA:  I also really think there is a lot of wisdom in Tsuga's post above.

Edited May 3, 2016 by amsunshinetemp

[MegP]

It may not help the current situation, but  I read a book many years ago that might help you and your daughter overall. It does have Christian content. His book, No More Christian Nice Girl is wonderful as well.

 

 

http://www.amazon.com/More-Jellyfish-Chickens-Wimps-Assertive/dp/0764202421

 

ETA-I am not saying or implying that your DD is a wimp at all. It is just a good book.

Edited May 3, 2016 by MegP

[Garga]

"I can't punish what I haven't seen" <---- response to my suggestion that MG perform acts of service (e.g. vacuum the lobby) as a consequence for bullying behavior. 

 

My (internal) response: [unprintable] All.done.  

 

MG will face ZERO consequences for bullying others. 

 

Last night DD asked to quit dance class, even though their recital is 3 weeks out.  I'm now inclined to allow it.  

 

There have been more comments implying DD is bringing this on herself.  Why in hell are people circling around to protect poor, pathetic MG?  Are they that blind or merely stupid?

 

I have one card left to play.  It won't affect this dance class or the enrichment class, but it will keep DD safe from MG at homeschool events.  

 

 

Ooooooo!  This makes me mad.  What does your daughter think of repeating what the bully said, super loud so the adults can hear it?

[freesia]

So frustrated for you!

[happi duck]

It sounds like maybe you were making punishment suggestions to the dance teachers for them to use in response to things that happened previously. (If I misread this, sorry!)

 

When working with groups of kids it doesn't work like that. "Why is my kid vacuuming?" "Oh, Mary's mom told us to do this because Mary said she was mean."

 

Iiwm, I'd apologize but remind them that you are desperate and your DD is miserable to the point of wanting to quit. "I realized I should not have told you how to discipline your students BUT I am desperate etc"

 

I think it's important not to tie the teacher's hands and keep them on your side.

 

Ftr, you are right to protect your DD! I am only posting because if I'm reading this correctly I'm afraid things are wonky with the teachers now. The teachers *can* be allies in protecting your DD and MG's other/next target.

 

(Hugs)

[QueenCat]

"I can't punish what I haven't seen" <---- response to my suggestion that MG perform acts of service (e.g. vacuum the lobby) as a consequence for bullying behavior. 

 

My (internal) response: [unprintable] All.done.  

 

MG will face ZERO consequences for bullying others. 

 

Last night DD asked to quit dance class, even though their recital is 3 weeks out.  I'm now inclined to allow it.  

 

There have been more comments implying DD is bringing this on herself.  Why in hell are people circling around to protect poor, pathetic MG?  Are they that blind or merely stupid?

 

I have one card left to play.  It won't affect this dance class or the enrichment class, but it will keep DD safe from MG at homeschool events.  

 

Hugs to you and your daughter. I wouldn't have expected a punishment for past acts. I would have expected, though, proactive behavior on the part of the studio owner and instructor in watching for behaviors and dealing with them as they occur, as well as working at preventing them. Who is suggesting that DD is bringing this on herself? If it's the teacher or studio owner, I'd be flipping out. If it's MG's mom and friends, that is not surprising as it's typical defensive behavior. Wrong but not surprising.

Edited May 3, 2016 by QueenCat