When people don't get along

[DawnM]

I feel a bit caught in the middle.  Help me figure out what to do.

 

Names have been changed as has the actual event, but the conflict is real! 

 

Our boys play soccer together.

 

Carla and I became friends last season and hung out a bit.  I realized she has some issues so I became a sounding board and just listened and tried to be supportive.  However, it gets exhausting and I really don't have the energy some days.

 

Marla and her son came this season.

 

Carla and Marla and I have been hanging out while our sons play soccer.

 

On one Saturday per month, they have a 2 hour practice so the 3 of us have been going to breakfast and chatting.  Carla seems to see this as "new meat" to share her woes and problems, etc.....

 

After 3 times, Marla has now had enough.  She no longer wants to go out with Carla as she feels Carla doesn't want help or advice, she just wants sympathy and to play the victim.

 

I get it.  I agree, but I don't feel comfortable ditching Carla.  And I admit I was thrilled when Marla joined us so that the "burden" (for lack of a better word) wouldn't all rest on me.  But Marla has firmer boundaries than I do I think and won't deal with any of it.

 

BTW:  Now Carla is posting all sorts of things on FB about people who aren't really supportive or real friends, etc.....

 

It is longer than that, but you get the jist.

 

Quite frankly, I would like to hang out with Marla.  We have more in common, get along, aren't negative, and we don't have to concentrate all of our energy to solve issues that can't be solved.

 

How would you handle this?

 

 

Edited February 25, 2016 by DawnM

[Mama Geek]

Can you start having plans during practices preferably to be somewhere else, but if not working on school assignments or something else?  After a little while maybe you and Marla can meet at other times away from the practices.

[SKL]

I would get Marla's email address and try to find some other time to meet up with her without Carla.

 

During soccer, I would go do something Carla isn't into.  My favorite thing to do during soccer practice is to go for a walk.  Usually nobody cares to accompany me.  :)

[NorthwestMom]

I would not ditch Carla over one breakfast a month.  Obviously she needs a friend and it would be rather harsh to leave her out of an activity that you and she began together.  Think of it as a good deed you do for someone who needs a friend.

 

I also understand how incredibly toxic people like Carla are, so I would begin the slow fade in general, perhaps only spending a few minutes hanging out at regular practices and then leaving to "run errands", or taking pictures of the kids instead of chatting with the parents. Decrease your time slowly. It's grim to say, but my experience at 46 years old is that people like Carla don't change, but you can change and increase your personal boundaries.

 

I got off Facebook this year and I have never felt any regret about it. The "real friends" type of posts are one thing that annoyed the HECK out of me. I don't miss them. Have you noticed that people who are a delight to be around don't post nonsense like that?!

Edited February 25, 2016 by NorthwestMom

[Pink and Green Mom]

Carla is a drain.  People like that are exhausting.  I do not blame you one bit for not wanting to hang out with her.

 

I agree with what people said above - find something else to do during practice.  Or better yet, have DH take him.  Then try to meet up with Marla separate and apart from practice.

[Reefgazer]

Drop the boys at soccer, say you have an appointment to keep, and you and Marla drive to your meeting place/lunch spot separately.  Just gradually distance yourself from Carla.

I feel a bit caught in the middle.  Help me figure out what to do.

 

Names have been changed as has the actual event, but the conflict is real! 

 

Our boys play soccer together.

 

Carla and I became friends last season and hung out a bit.  I realized she has some issues so I became a sounding board and just listened and tried to be supportive.  However, it gets exhausting and I really don't have the energy some days.

 

Marla and her son came this season.

 

Carla and Marla and I have been hanging out while our sons play soccer.

 

On one Saturday per month, they have a 2 hour practice so the 3 of us have been going to breakfast and chatting.  Carla seems to see this as "new meat" to share her woes and problems, etc.....

 

After 3 times, Marla has now had enough.  She no longer wants to go out with Carla as she feels Carla doesn't want help or advice, she just wants sympathy and to play the victim.

 

I get it.  I agree, but I don't feel comfortable ditching Carla.  And I admit I was thrilled when Marla joined us so that the "burden" (for lack of a better word) wouldn't all rest on me.  But Marla has firmer boundaries than I do I think and won't deal with any of it.

 

BTW:  Now Carla is posting all sorts of things on FB about people who aren't really supportive or real friends, etc.....

 

It is longer than that, but you get the jist.

 

Quite frankly, I would like to hang out with Marla.  We have more in common, get along, aren't negative, and we don't have to concentrate all of our energy to solve issues that can't be solved.

 

How would you handle this?

 

[MysteryJen]

My sure fire way to disengage from difficult people you have to see at practice is to stay in your car with your phone in your hand. You look like you are doing important things and people don't bother you. If it is too hot to be in the car, then a walk with your phone discourages company.

 

Also a stack of homeschooling books or papers can do the same thing. One breakfast a month is not a lot, but adding that to games is a lot. I would save my energy to deal with Carla at games and hide her on Facebook.

[Seasider]

First thing I would do is unfollow Carla on fb. You don't need a daily dose of that!

[gardenmom5]

 

After 3 times, Marla no longer wants to go out with Carla as she feels Carla doesn't want help or advice, she just wants sympathy and to play the victim.

 

I get it.  I agree, but I don't feel comfortable ditching Carla.  And I admit I was thrilled when Marla joined us so that the "burden" (for lack of a better word) wouldn't all rest on me.  But Marla has firmer boundaries than I do I think and won't deal with any of it.

 

BTW:  Now Carla is posting all sorts of things on FB about people who aren't really supportive or real friends, etc.....

 

It is longer than that, but you get the jist.

 

Quite frankly, I would like to hang out with Marla.  We have more in common, get along, aren't negative, and we don't have to concentrate all of our energy to solve issues that can't be solved.

 

How would you handle this?

 

your hanging out with carla is NOT supporting her, it is enabling her. (and as you've learned - it is draining.)  start by changing the subject whenever she brings up her "woes".  I'd keep it short, and might even suggest she get professional help. 

 

I've dealt with this type before.  

(I was assigned to visit/help  an even less functional woman. I'd make suggestions here and there about what she needed to do to change.  eventually I had a very frank converstaion with her about what she needed to do to change in herself if she wanted to have things in her life go well.   she used to just ignore what I said, becasue she saw me as an ivory tower who didn't know what I was talking about.  then I shared some of my background.  she was utterly horrified because she knew she was left without excuse. and I DID know exactly what I was talking about. she refused to acknowledge my existance for six months.  then she acted as though nothing had ever happened, but she didn't whine around me as much either.)

it drove me nuts to see the people who "felt sorry for her, and were supportive of her"  re: they enabled her to continue just as dysfunctional as she ever was.  they were doing her no favors, but they did make themselves feel good while doing so..

 

I'd start cutting the time spent with her very short - if you want to be generous, you could still spend some of the times with her (but NOT all of the times.) - but do NOT allow her to whine to you.

 

eta: incidently - if you don't allow her to whine - ever, she'll eventually drop you.

Edited February 25, 2016 by gardenmom5

[PrincessMommy]

I was in a similar situation many years ago ,except I was the new-comer and didn't feel comfortable horning in on the existing friendship.  But, I really regret not trying because, even to this day the other person and I had so much in common and we could have had a very close friendship.  Our kids were good friends too.   The thing is it got even more complicated because the Carla in my situation discovered her dh was cheating on her and really needed help for a year-18months while she worked on getting a degree .  The other friend stepped in and went WAY beyond the call of duty (including homeschooling her kids).  So many people saw the problems with that co-dependant relationship.  Anyway, I never tried to pursue a friendship too much because I figured no matter what, I'd look like a selfish jerk.  There was no way to separate the two because the Carla figure was so, so needy and ALWAYS around.

 

The sad thing is that once this Carla found a new boyfriend she literally dropped her friend like a sack of potatoes.  It was very sad to watch someone be so thankless.   Then the other person moved across country.  We're friends on FB, but I often think of that missed opportunity and it makes me sad.

 

So... all that to say,  If I had to do it over again, I would contact Marla... get together with only her outside of the weekly practice breakfast.  Try nurturing a friendship just with her.   Without being cruel or mean about it I think it's completely appropriate to hint that you see Carla as a draining person and how hard it is to disengage from her drama.

Edited February 25, 2016 by PrincessMommy

[zoobie]

Set some boundaries with Carla. If she starts bellyaching, say you need to run. Get up and go back to your car. Make plans with Marla separate from Carla. If there are some positives to your friendship with Carla, work on the boundaries and try to maintain your friendship. If not, well, bye.

[DawnM]

Thank you guys.  I needed to have a dose of something.  

 

I kind of feel like the posts are not just about Marla but also about me.

 

The thing is, I don't WANT to sit in my car or do something by myself.   But I may have to.  

 

And honestly, next year (August) I will most likely be going back to work full time and won't have time for this stuff anyway.  I will still have the kids in sports or whatever, but I will have to drop off since I will be adjusting to a very different schedule.

[alisoncooks]

So...call me naive...

 

But couldn't you just go out with Carla and say: "I enjoy your company but I need to keep our conversations more positive.  I know I've been an ear for your {troubles or whatever} in the past, but I find it is stressing me out as well, so I need to limit that."

 

She'll either tone down the complaining or decide she doesn't want to hang with you.  Problem solved?

Unless you actually just don't want to hang out with her any more.  Then, instead of sneaking off behind her back to meet a new friend, just tell her "Oh, Marla and I have made plans for today, sorry."

Edited February 25, 2016 by alisoncooks

[SKL]

I have this friend who used to get up and walk away when I started to get annoying.  Seriously.  She never said a word or even dimmed her smile, she just suddenly found something else to do in another part of the room.  I learned.

 

She's one of my favorite, most admired IRL people.

[clementine]

I have a friend like this.  I haven't cut down on my time spent with her, but I have become very good at changing the subject during conversations.  Example:

 

Carla:  "I am so frustrated with my sister...blah, blah, blah."

 

Me:  "Oh that does stink.  Say, do you have a great recipe for lasagna?  I don't have a tried and true one & would love to find a good on."  OR  "That does sound frustrating.  By the way, where did you buy Billy's soccer shoes?"  You get the idea.  

 

I also don't see anything wrong with you and Marla getting together outside of your soccer breakfasts.  If Marla complains to you, I would say "I agree, but I am not comfortable cutting her off completely.  I'd like to try and sway conversations toward things that are more positive."  

[SKL]

I also had [note *had*] a friend who was super negative.  We met at work during a time of stress for me, and she tolerated my rants and I tolerated hers.  Thing was, for me it was just a temporary thing, and for her, she literally can't have lunch without launching into a hatefest about someone or something.  Her job moved, but we still had lunch together occasionally - less and less.  When I was having lunch with her, I just knew how it was going to be and I tolerated it.  I made no effort to keep up the "friendship" after I left that job.  I probably would have run away sooner, but after all, she did put up with me when I was in whining / ranting mode.

 

I wish I knew what to say to make a negative person less negative.  Believe me, I could have used that skill.  I tried a few things.  Like trying to see the silver lining behind her cloud, or trying to steer the conversation to something fun, or just grinning stupidly when I really didn't want to engage *again* in the man hatefest or the boss hatefest or the politician hatefest or ....

Edited February 25, 2016 by SKL

[Seasider]

Maybe you can make a game of it - five minutes of free venting. Limit yourself to that and even set your phone timer on the table. Keep your venting to inanimate issues like the price of mascara or something, not griping about any people or relationships. Just like you'd do with a student, model good behavior.

 

Eta - each person gets their turn then you are ALL done with the complaints. Then maybe have in mind some other conversation starters -

 

Read any good books this week?

Weirdest news item you've heard lately?

Best new recipe?

 

Basically, steer the conversation away from her woes. Forcefully, if you must.

 

But, sigh, how tiresome.

Edited February 25, 2016 by Seasider

[Guest]

Btdt. I was the marla. My dawnm kept hanging out with the carla for about a year. After I stopped....and then the carla decided the dawnm hadn't been supportive enough and dropped her, loudly and dramatically. I made plans with just the dawnm and lived happily ever after. We were still part if the dame community and saw each other but I stopped going to our version of breakfast until our carla said she couldn't go anymore.

 

I never said anything to either my dawnm or carla. I did hide carla on fb cuz geeeeez!

[DawnM]

So...call me naive...

 

But couldn't you just go out with Carla and say: "I enjoy your company but I need to keep our conversations more positive.  I know I've been an ear for your {troubles or whatever} in the past, but I find it is stressing me out as well, so I need to limit that."

 

She'll either tone down the complaining or decide she doesn't want to hang with you.  Problem solved?

Unless you actually just don't want to hang out with her any more.  Then, instead of sneaking off behind her back to meet a new friend, just tell her "Oh, Marla and I have made plans for today, sorry."

 

 

Carla truly doesn't think she is negative.  She thinks she is a victim.  

She tells people, "Oh, I am always there for everyone.  Everyone comes to ME with their problems, but I never have ANYONE to turn to.  I need some nurturing sometimes too!"

 

The truth is:

 

I have never gone to her with anything, and I have never seen anyone else go to her either, anytime she is there, it is all about her....she turns to everyone and somehow isn't getting what she needs.

 

So I don't think she would get it other than to take it as a slight.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I would honestly deal with it head-on.  I'd do a little research on therapy services in the area. Then I'd sit with Carla and tell her, "I know you have a lot of stuff going on, and I want to be your friend, but frankly, you're problems are beyond my ability to solve, and you're breaking my heart.  I really think you need to talk to a therapist or something.  Here, I've written down some counseling places that are nearby.  This one has a sliding scale for their fees, in case that's an issue.  This one is so close, perhaps you could get an appointment during soccer practices.  I'd be happy to keep an eye on your son while you're there.  Call them.  Let me know how it goes."  

 

After that, I would keep any conversation light and positive.  She'll either take your advice and get professional help, or she'll find someone else to be her sounding board.

 

 

[J-rap]

I think I'd give Carla another chance, since it's only once/month.  I'd also encourage Marla to come maybe for just half, but understand if she doesn't.  I'd also try and figure out how to change the subject with Carla after the first 15 minutes.  Maybe, you could even be honest with her and tell her you think it would be a good idea to think of the positives in her life.  Or just bluntly say that it's time to talk about something else.  

 

If she gets mad or frustrated and doesn't like your idea, then more time with Marla.  :)

 

[TranquilMind]

I feel a bit caught in the middle.  Help me figure out what to do.

 

Names have been changed as has the actual event, but the conflict is real! 

 

Our boys play soccer together.

 

Carla and I became friends last season and hung out a bit.  I realized she has some issues so I became a sounding board and just listened and tried to be supportive.  However, it gets exhausting and I really don't have the energy some days.

 

Marla and her son came this season.

 

Carla and Marla and I have been hanging out while our sons play soccer.

 

On one Saturday per month, they have a 2 hour practice so the 3 of us have been going to breakfast and chatting.  Carla seems to see this as "new meat" to share her woes and problems, etc.....

 

After 3 times, Marla has now had enough.  She no longer wants to go out with Carla as she feels Carla doesn't want help or advice, she just wants sympathy and to play the victim.

 

I get it.  I agree, but I don't feel comfortable ditching Carla.  And I admit I was thrilled when Marla joined us so that the "burden" (for lack of a better word) wouldn't all rest on me.  But Marla has firmer boundaries than I do I think and won't deal with any of it.

 

BTW:  Now Carla is posting all sorts of things on FB about people who aren't really supportive or real friends, etc.....

 

It is longer than that, but you get the jist.

 

Quite frankly, I would like to hang out with Marla.  We have more in common, get along, aren't negative, and we don't have to concentrate all of our energy to solve issues that can't be solved.

 

How would you handle this?

I would ignore Facebook.

 

Be friendly, and hang out with Marla if you like. 

 

I would not overtly snub Carla or hurt her feelings, so if you do go off with Marla, be discreet.    Maybe don't do it for one or two mornings first.  You could say, bring coffee for both, and then the third time, you and Marla could separately go off and then meet. 

Edited February 25, 2016 by TranquilMind

[marbel]

So...call me naive...

 

But couldn't you just go out with Carla and say: "I enjoy your company but I need to keep our conversations more positive.  I know I've been an ear for your {troubles or whatever} in the past, but I find it is stressing me out as well, so I need to limit that."

 

She'll either tone down the complaining or decide she doesn't want to hang with you.  Problem solved?

Unless you actually just don't want to hang out with her any more.  Then, instead of sneaking off behind her back to meet a new friend, just tell her "Oh, Marla and I have made plans for today, sorry."

 

I have done something similar with a friend who was like Carla.  We would go out and the conversation would slowly spiral down into us both talking about our crappy lives.  Finally when she called asking me about getting together, I said something like "sure, I can get together this week but let's keep the conversation more positive, OK?  We tend to turn our wine dates into whine dates and neither of us need that.  So you stop me if I start going negative, and I'll stop you."

 

Now, she does have some real struggles so we still talk about that a little bit, but get over that quickly and move on to better discussions.  It helps that we both like to read, and are happy to share book suggestions and such. 

[Doodlebug]

You know what... 

 

I feel sorry for Carla.  I really do.  But this isn't your first season with her.  It's your second.  You also have what sounds to be a reasonable person confirming your perception of Carla.  

 

First season = kindness, sucking it up.

 

Second season = an honest look at this person, and if she is a healthy addition to your relationships.  Because as insignificant as her role in your life is, here you are spending time on Carla here!  It takes up a lot of mental and emotional space.  I know!  

 

I used to think we fall into friendships, and that it's my job to be nice.  That's true, to an extent.  But it's vitally important to recognize when it isn't a friendship, and to move on so that your "space" remains free for healthy and encouraging people.  Note: Carla will not like your decision.  That doesn't make you mean.  

 

 

 

 

  

[Seasider]

You know what...

 

I feel sorry for Carla. I really do. But this isn't your first season with her. It's your second. You also have what sounds to be a reasonable person confirming your perception of Carla.

 

First season = kindness, sucking it up.

 

Second season = an honest look at this person, and if she is a healthy addition to your relationships. Because as insignificant as her role in your life is, here you are spending time on Carla here! It takes up a lot of mental and emotional space. I know!

 

I used to think we fall into friendships, and that it's my job to be nice. That's true, to an extent. But it's vitally important to recognize when it isn't a friendship, and to move on so that your "space" remains free for healthy and encouraging people. Note: Carla will not like your decision. That doesn't make you mean.

I really needed to hear this today. Thank you.

[DawnM]

I would honestly deal with it head-on.  I'd do a little research on therapy services in the area. Then I'd sit with Carla and tell her, "I know you have a lot of stuff going on, and I want to be your friend, but frankly, you're problems are beyond my ability to solve, and you're breaking my heart.  I really think you need to talk to a therapist or something.  Here, I've written down some counseling places that are nearby.  This one has a sliding scale for their fees, in case that's an issue.  This one is so close, perhaps you could get an appointment during soccer practices.  I'd be happy to keep an eye on your son while you're there.  Call them.  Let me know how it goes."  

 

After that, I would keep any conversation light and positive.  She'll either take your advice and get professional help, or she'll find someone else to be her sounding board.

actually I have already done something similar and she is going.  I was trying not to give too much info, but she is going.  She can't go on Saturdays anyway as they aren't open, but she does go.  And her son is an older teen so we don't need to keep an eye of them.

[Guest]

Carla truly doesn't think she is negative. She thinks she is a victim.

She tells people, "Oh, I am always there for everyone. Everyone comes to ME with their problems, but I never have ANYONE to turn to. I need some nurturing sometimes too!"

 

The truth is:

 

I have never gone to her with anything, and I have never seen anyone else go to her either, anytime she is there, it is all about her....she turns to everyone and somehow isn't getting what she needs.

 

So I don't think she would get it other than to take it as a slight.

She would not get it. I would bet money.

 

I do think this is a hard spot to be in because I am a bit defensive of the down-and-out. I actually think that is one thing that is wrong with general American culture - We admire overcomers; strong, stoic , silent bearers of their hurts.

 

My sister was a tremendous whiner and it got on my last nerve. But it would often ocurr to me that the people who need love and compassion the most are those who do the least to "deserve" it. They are so annoying because they have limited experience in being all emotionally healthy and well and having few problems in life. They act needy because they are needy.

 

I'm not saying you have to forever be a wailing wall to Carla, and I definitely think you should separately pursue a friendship with Marla, but if you have it in you to gently redirect and help Carla out of her Pit of Misery, so much the better. Do it for Jesus. ;) (Be careful about Marla, though, because she might also be telling you that she would not be a shoulder for YOU if something tanks in your life.)

[mamiof5]

actually I have already done something similar and she is going. I was trying not to give too much info, but she is going. She can't go on Saturdays anyway as they aren't open, but she does go. And her son is an older teen so we don't need to keep an eye of them.

So, at least she seems she is trying and listening to your advice? I know it's draining, but we all have times in our lives when we just need a listening ear. I hope you can find a balance, nurture the relationship with the other gal, but maybe also don't totally ditch Carla? Maybe she's just going through tough times (been there done that) but that doesn't mean she's always a negative person.

[Pen]

I would honestly deal with it head-on.  I'd do a little research on therapy services in the area. Then I'd sit with Carla and tell her, "I know you have a lot of stuff going on, and I want to be your friend, but frankly, you're problems are beyond my ability to solve, and you're breaking my heart.  I really think you need to talk to a therapist or something.  Here, I've written down some counseling places that are nearby.  This one has a sliding scale for their fees, in case that's an issue.  This one is so close, perhaps you could get an appointment during soccer practices.  I'd be happy to keep an eye on your son while you're there.  Call them.  Let me know how it goes."  

 

After that, I would keep any conversation light and positive.  She'll either take your advice and get professional help, or she'll find someone else to be her sounding board.

 

 

This.

 

But I don't think it is your job to research the therapy services in your area. Though if you are willing to do that you could offer her that you'd be willing to if she'd appreciate that help.

 

There is also a thing called "Co-counseling" where people meet and learn to counsel each other, but it is intentional and turns are taken. It is not one person unloading on another.

[DawnM]

So, at least she seems she is trying and listening to your advice? I know it's draining, but we all have times in our lives when we just need a listening ear. I hope you can find a balance, nurture the relationship with the other gal, but maybe also don't totally ditch Carla? Maybe she's just going through tough times (been there done that) but that doesn't mean she's always a negative person.

 

about that, she has, but she kind of asked too.

 

Other stuff, no.

[mamiof5]

about that, she has, but she kind of asked too.

 

Other stuff, no.

I know it's very hard, and it's hard to find a balance. But sometimes a listening ear makes a world of a difference to someone. Life is not easy, and sometimes we all need just someone to listen. Hope you can work something out :)

[Doodlebug]

Practically speaking, I think you've been a lovely person to Carla. 

 

Developing a boundary in your mind/heart doesn't play out like a cold hard drop.  But it does make you more aware of your choices in that relationship.  You start choosing activities other than the "default" behavior of being a sounding board.  You choose space for a period of time, and then you show up at practice and wave kindly... perhaps ask her how she's doing.  But no, you aren't sitting there every practice... being available.

 

Co dependent relationships aren't friendships.  They encourage inappropriate boundaries in the martyr, which feeds and cares for the demanding victim.  BTDT.  So, setting a boundary isn't about leaving Carla in the dust.  It's about recognizing that your perpetual availability for her needs says something about you, too... and wanting something different for both of you.

 

:) 

 

 

 

[snickerplum]

I'm big on putting myself in others' shoes (not physically, that's weird). What if you were Carla? You don't realize you come off as whiny/negative, and your feelings get hurt because your two friends don't include you. If it were me I'd think "why didn't they just tell me...?"

I totally get not wanting to be around negativity. I had a negative friend - nothing was positive in her mind. No. Thing. It was nuts! Now, I kinda got out easy cause she switched churches and didn't stay in touch with us.

Ditching her or cutting her out (however you want to say it) will only lead her to another shoulder to vent on. If you're honest with her, even if she's offended and stops hanging out with you, maybe it will make her think about her attitudes and change, and help her future friends.

It does make me think of her son. Is she negative around him? That's not a habit I'd want to pass to my children...

[marbel]

I don't think you should research counseling services and certainly not mention sliding-scale fees, etc.  That could come across as very presumptuous.

 

Better, I think, to suggest that perhaps a counselor would be helpful, and take her cues from there. It's one thing for a friend to make kindly-meant suggestions but another to hand off a list of places she might go to get herself fixed.  There are also practical issues such as insurance coverage, which could make any research a complete waste of time. 

 

Offering to help research if she's interested, offering to babysit - those are great ideas.

 

 

 

 

[DawnM]

I don't think you should research counseling services and certainly not mention sliding-scale fees, etc.  That could come across as very presumptuous.

 

Better, I think, to suggest that perhaps a counselor would be helpful, and take her cues from there. It's one thing for a friend to make kindly-meant suggestions but another to hand off a list of places she might go to get herself fixed.  There are also practical issues such as insurance coverage, which could make any research a complete waste of time. 

 

Offering to help research if she's interested, offering to babysit - those are great ideas.

 

 

Child is 17, no babysitting.

 

She did ask for a referral, I gave her one, it is working out.  I just gave her a name and told her to check her insurance.  I even said I didn't know if it would work out, but it has so far.  So I am glad.

[DawnM]

I have a friend like this.  I haven't cut down on my time spent with her, but I have become very good at changing the subject during conversations.  Example:

 

Carla:  "I am so frustrated with my sister...blah, blah, blah."

 

Me:  "Oh that does stink.  Say, do you have a great recipe for lasagna?  I don't have a tried and true one & would love to find a good on."  OR  "That does sound frustrating.  By the way, where did you buy Billy's soccer shoes?"  You get the idea.  

 

I also don't see anything wrong with you and Marla getting together outside of your soccer breakfasts.  If Marla complains to you, I would say "I agree, but I am not comfortable cutting her off completely.  I'd like to try and sway conversations toward things that are more positive."  

 

 

I don't seem to be able to do this.  I try the bean dip approach with many people, it never seems to work.  I must have a "just ignore me and talk about whatever you want" sticker on my forehead.  I have never been able to get it to work.   I must just be really bad at it.

[ThisIsTheDay]

First thing I would do is unfollow Carla on fb. You don't need a daily dose of that!

 

Absolutely, I agree with this.  No matter what else you decide to do, the first thing is to unfollow her on FB.  (If you are not FB savvy, please know that this is entirely different than unfriending.  You remain friends, but her posts will not show in your FB feed.)

 

Fortunately, FB doesn't show every post from every friend in your feed.  So if she asks if you saw something, you can honestly say, "Nope, didn't see it.  Dumb FB, you know how it never shows you everything you think you're going to see." 

 

And then you have a bit less of her drama in your regular life.  :)

[zoobie]

I don't seem to be able to do this. I try the bean dip approach with many people, it never seems to work. I must have a "just ignore me and talk about whatever you want" sticker on my forehead. I have never been able to get it to work. I must just be really bad at it.

Subtle bean dip doesn't work with some people. With my grandfather for example, I have to say, "Let's change the subject to something more cheerful*, or I need to find somewhere else to be."

 

Usually with him it's "not political" but cheerful covers lots.

[DawnM]

Subtle bean dip doesn't work with some people. With my grandfather for example, I have to say, "Let's change the subject to something more cheerful*, or I need to find somewhere else to be."

 

Usually with him it's "not political" but cheerful covers lots.

 

Sadly, even that doesn't work with my mother.  But she has some mental issues.  If I even try to stop her she railroads me with a, "I AM NOT FINISHED YET!"

 

and if you disagree with what she is saying......well, woe to you, for you will never hear the end of it in this life.

 

But if she wants YOU to stop, she says, "Ok, let's not talk about that anymore, now, about the flowers in your garden......" and bam, you are done, you can't say a word or she yells, "I TOLD you I don't want to talk about it anymore."

 

what she means is, "I am done talking and I have no interest in HEARING what you have to say."

 

So, there ya go, I have issues of my own and seem to attract people with similar issues.

 

However, THANKFULLY, I also have some very sane and healthy friendships that have stood the test of time.

[Guest]

Sadly, even that doesn't work with my mother. But she has some mental issues. If I even try to stop her she railroads me with a, "I AM NOT FINISHED YET!"

 

and if you disagree with what she is saying......well, woe to you, for you will never hear the end of it in this life.

 

But if she wants YOU to stop, she says, "Ok, let's not talk about that anymore, now, about the flowers in your garden......" and bam, you are done, you can't say a word or she yells, "I TOLD you I don't want to talk about it anymore."

 

what she means is, "I am done talking and I have no interest in HEARING what you have to say."

 

So, there ya go, I have issues of my own and seem to attract people with similar issues.

 

However, THANKFULLY, I also have some very sane and healthy friendships that have stood the test of time.

I had a boyfriend for a while who did that. He would say, "I am not finished talking." It was so ridiculous. He wanted to control the conversation 100%. It was fortunate it was just a boyfriend because it was obviously possible to have done with that nonsense. :D.