What to say/do for young widow?

[Jennifer132]

My sister in law's husband has been ill for three years and is very close to passing (could be anytime now). 😢 This is my husband's sister's husband. So my brother in law. We are not super close, as our families have had their differences, but I don't want to say/do the wrong thing or do nothing at all. I'm just not sure what the right things to say/do are.

 

They live about two hours from us and have her parents right down the street. They also have a lot of friends and church friends who are around. My husband took off work to be with them today. Initially, my sister in law said she would rather he not come, so they could be alone together, but her husband wanted my husband to come, so he did. She said she'd rather he come after to help with the funeral, etc. She doesn't want my children to come just because she feels it wouldn't be good for them to see him like this. I can't go alone since I need to watch my children. I don't really think she would want to have me there anyway since we aren't that close.

 

They are young, in their thirties, and have three elementary aged boys. They are vegan, sugar free, wheat free, etc, so making meals is kind of not an option. I would offer to let her children stay with us if she wanted, but I would think she would want them by her side (I would if it were me). We aren't that close, so I don't think she'd want to confide in me, but she confides in my husband some (her brother).

 

So, what do I say/do/offer at the funeral? How can I be helpful or comforting. What's the right thing to say? This was not entirely unexpected, as he has ALS, but it's still shocking how quickly it went from he'll be alright for a while to it could be any time.

[HomeAgain]

Yes, respect her wishes.  But, I'll add, be there after the rush.  There will be a lot of condolences in the first few weeks.  Send her a card a month after.  And a month after that, let her know you're thinking of her.  And next year, when the anniversary comes around, just drop a line.

 

 

[regentrude]

Mark the date of his death in your 2016 calendar now. She will have a difficult time around the anniversary and appreciate if you let her know that you are thinking of her and have not forgotten.

[bettyandbob]

My friend's dh died a year and a half ago. Meal delivery, take out gift cards and house cleaning service were the things she used most that people tried to "do" for her. Perhaps there's a health food store or organic market that you can contact. 

 

I think when you say something it may be best to say just a little. Sometimes, when people stumble around to say more, often the wrong thing is said. So, a simple "I'm sorry" might be best. Here's a link to nontraditional empathy cards. You probably don't want to use these at this time, but I think they get to the point about saying the wrong stuff. Both my friend whose dh died and another friend whose dd died a few years ago saw these this week and thought they were great. 

 

http://www.upworthy.com/7-new-nontraditional-empathy-cards-that-say-what-other-cards-can-get-totally-wrong?c=bl3

 

In the coming months it might be helpful to offer to come her way and take your kids and her kids to a park or something most of a day so she can spend time doing the crap that has to be done after a spouse dies (whether it's going through his closet or paperwork). 

 

[Tanaqui]

Remember that grieving doesn't end after a few weeks or a few months - and in my experience, the bereaved can feel like it's all getting better only to be suddenly hit with the realization that NO, it is NOT a few months down the line. Unfortunately, by that point there's a lot less sympathy. People assume that since they aren't thinking of whoever-it-is anymore, their family isn't either. And of course that's not true.

 

So whatever you do, try to remember to do it throughout the next year or longer. Obviously you don't want to be weird and artificial, since you're not that close either emotionally or location-wise, but you can still remember to call once a month over the next few months, even if only under the pretext that you've realized how important it is for the kids to keep up with their cousins. (If that works. If the kids aren't even remotely in the same age range it'll just sound silly, and you should stick with "I was thinking of you and your husband, and I thought I'd check in".)

 

As for what to say at the funeral, most platitudes are safe. You can't really say anything sparkling and witty and new, and nobody would care if you did. So "I'm so sorry for your loss" is just fine. But try to avoid things like "At least he isn't suffering anymore" or "God wanted him in a better place" (especially if she isn't religious), unless she's the one who says them and you're just agreeing. Nobody really wants to hear "Hey, it's a good thing he died after all!" at the funeral. Seriously, nobody.

 

You *may* donate some money in her name to a foundation to cure ALS, or to some other charity that she and her husband support. That's usually considered thoughtful. I would normally suggest offering to help out with taking the kids out periodically so she doesn't have to handle them and her grief, or to help out with some chores that she might have trouble getting around to, but as she has family close by, and you're NOT close in any respect, I don't really see the point. Edit: However, paying for a twice-a-month or weekly cleaning service for a year probably would go over fairly well. Some people react to grief by wanting to clean ALL THE THINGS, but I'm thinking they're in the minority. It can be good to get some help in that area.

[G5052]

When you're not close, you really do need to take your clues from them. Be kind and loving. Be there. If they don't want to engage, respect that. You can't fix their situation, but you can show that you care.

 

Remembering them with a card or phone call here and there is a great touch. It truly is comforting when people think of you and recognize that grief never really goes away, especially as the holidays and milestones approach. Things will happen that reopen grief for them, and it will be hard.

 

[TammyS]

Because you aren't close I would try to find someone who is close to her and let that person know that you want to do something to help, but not intrude by pressing her for an answer as to what would help "right now" (she probably won't know).  Let that person know that you would like to be called when an appropriate job comes up (something that you can do, that doesn't require you to be a close friend....house cleaning or babysitting, probably), even if it's months down the road.  As others have said, there will be a lot of sympathy at first, and probably a lot of help.  It's a month or more down the road when things start to fray at the edges, when it can be helpful to have someone come clean the house or take the kids so the widow can do a tough job (getting rid of deceased belongings or filing papers, etc) in relative peace.

[PrincessMommy]

send her an occasional card telling her you're thinking about her.  It can be quite lonely, especially after a few months have passed... it's always nice to know that someone cares.

[Danestress]

Maybe best thing you can do for her is to free your husband up to be with her as much as possible, visit, call her, be able to help her with the things. If they aren't close, give them time and opportunity to get closer. Him wanting to be with her and be available will mean a lot. If it's just two hours away, encourage him to go up for a day on weekends or when he had a day off. He could attend big events in her children's lives. Obviously send cards, gifts whatever. But if she finds its too much to have you and the kids all the time, encourage your husband to just be there in the coming year. The fact that his parents are there means he can go without being too intrusive.

[Anne in CA]

If you can afford it I think it would be nice to find a service to send them the sort of meals they can eat once in awhile. I have a gluten free friend who buys some meals from a service with a clean kitchen and she pays $8 per meal and it is a blessing to her. You might have to do some research for her area, but it might be really nice if it worked out.

[J-rap]

It sounds like what she needs most of all from your family is time with your husband, so I'd keep encouraging him to be there with her when he can.  A gift card to a restaurant is a great idea, or a food service that delivers a few meals already baked that she just needs to reheat.

 

Also, a card to let her know that you're thinking of her.  And send another one now and then throughout the next several years, saying you are still thinking of her.  Grief doesn't stop after a year or even two or three.  The shock is over but the emptiness is still there.

[Hyacinth]

Several months after my cousin's 24-yo son died, I sent her a note telling her that I was thinking of and praying for her often. I included three specific memories of her son (a big smile at his 9th birthday party when he opened a particular present, for example). She responded a few weeks later, telling me that "reading that note was like being wrapped in a warm blanket of memories." So glad I could offer her that!

 

She thanked me for reaching out to her when much of the world had seemingly moved on AND that I didn't use platitudes at all. Honestly, even for Christians, "God has a plan" and "He's in a better place now" can ring super hollow in the midst of heavy grief, so I would advise avoiding that kind of talk unless she initiates it. 

 

You've gotten some great advice in this thread. I'm sorry that your family is going through this.

 

 

 

 

[Joules]

I would agree to send your dh as often as she needs, and when he goes, send a card from you (or you and the kids) letting her know you are thinking of her.  You could send a small treat each time if you can find things you know they like (amazon.com is your friend for special diet treats.)  Maybe things will warm between you, and you can help more over time.  The people that became incredible allies in helping me heal after dd's death were not the ones that I would have necessarily guessed...others just disappeared, probably because they didn't know what to say.  

 

My suggestion on what to say: "I'm so, so sorry.  I can't imagine what you are going through.  Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. You are in our thoughts (and prayers, if appropriate)" Repeat in various forms throughout the next year.

 

Hugs to you and your dh.  It's hard to be on the outside, too.

[Katy]

Since she probably won't let her family eat most of the foods that will be brought to her, I think cooking will be the very best thing you can do.  Gluten & sugar free vegan sympathy food ideas:

 

• Trays full of Vegetable Crudités (with olives and dill gerkins)
• Nuts (my guess is she'd prefer raw, unsalted nuts)
• Fruit platters
• Roasted eggplant & carmelized onion sandwiches: Go to a health food store (or health food section of a large store) & get some Pamela's gluten free bread mixes, egg replacer, eggplant, sweet yellow onions, balsamic vinegar, and oil such as olive oil.  Shape the bread into baguettes and bake it.  While it is baking slice eggplant into thick long steaks and lightly salt them.  Place on paper towels or in a sieve so water will drain from them.  When the bread is done, remove it from the oven and roast the eggplant until tender, perhaps an hour. While that is in the oven, caramelize some thin onion slices (about half an onion per person) in olive oil and a tiny bit of balsamic vinegar. Add some garlic in the last two minutes of cooking. When done cooking, do separate containers of onions, eggplant, and bread.  To serve slice the baguettes in half to form subway type sandwiches. Fill with a slice of eggplant, top with caramelized onions and a sprinkle of balsamic vinegar.  One warning though:  this bread is delicious and if you're not careful you'll eat too much.  It's got a bean-based flour though, so DO NOT overeat it.  There will be gassy consequences unless you're used to eating beans every day.
• Pasta Salad: Get TINKYADA gluten-free macaroni and make this salad:  http://minimalistbaker.com/vegan-macaroni-salad/
• Vegan Ratatouille and Rice: There are a million ratatouille recipes out there. Choose one, but leave out the cheese.  Instead use nutritional yeast (or just bring a can of it to shake on later as a topping).  When you cook the rice, instead of water, butter, and salt, use a carton of vegetable broth (read carefully, only a few brands aren't thickened with wheat flour), salt, and a little oil of some kind (EVOO, perhaps).  Serve a heaping bowl of hot rice topped with the ratatouille, steaming hot and garlicy.
• Bean Chili (use home mixed seasoning to avoid the sugar).
• Split pea Soup
• Vanilla Chia pudding topped with fruit (Mix unsweetened almond or coconut milk with some vanilla extract.  Stir in about a tablespoon of chia seeds per cup of milk.  Let sit several hours or even overnight, top with something like fresh strawberry slices and sliced almonds and serve.  If she does other non-sugar sweeteners (agave or stevia, for example), add some to the initial milk mix. You can also refrigerate a can of full-fat coconut cream or milk overnight and then you'll find it separates into clear liquid and something equivalent to whipped cream overnight.

 

Another option would be to call her and ask her what recipes she'd like for you to prepare.  Even if she knows this is coming, she's probably going to need meals made for at least five days, if not a week.  Warning though, if she's opting to eat that way not out of preference, but out of severe food allergies, she might not trust you to make the meals.  It's often not worth the sickness.

[Corbster98]

I haven't read the replies yet but just wanted to say your family will be in my prayers. ALS took my father about 2.5 years ago and it is a brutal disease. My father passed peacefully and I will pray the same for your BIL.

[Jennifer132]

I haven't read the replies yet but just wanted to say your family will be in my prayers. ALS took my father about 2.5 years ago and it is a brutal disease. My father passed peacefully and I will pray the same for your BIL.

Thank you for saying this. My bil is really suffering. He has bulbar ALS. He got a traceostomy recently because they said it would help him in a lot of ways, but right after getting it he seemed to have taken a turn for the worse. His wife is suctioning his tubing and mouth every ten to fifteen minutes round the clock right now. I hope this stage is not long for him because he is suffering so much right now and is ready to go.

[FO4UR]

I agree with sending cards.  Make an occasional phone call.  Be supportive of your dh helping her.  She probably does just want her family around.  Understanding that is big.  You can help by communicating (reiterating her wishes) to others, reducing the amount of yuck she has to deal with.

 

Send a goody bag for the boys of non-edibles.  An etch-a-sketch, a book, mazes & mind benders...things that will occupy them for a short while.

[BooksandBoys]

Sometimes, saying less is more. Just being is what matters. Hugs to you as you go through this.

 

I want to share the idea of the grief circle. Picture concentric circles (like ripples in water). She and her children are inside the innermost circle. His parents/probably siblings (your husband) are in the next circle. Close friends are next, etc. The idea is that you offer support to those in the smaller circles, and you never, ever dump your grief into a smaller circle. Find someone in a bigger circle to share your grief with. Be there to hear the grief of those closer to the person who is gone, but don't give them yours.

 

Grief sucks. It's unpredictable and long term. I lost my nephew. But, really, my brother lost his child. So, I hug my brother. I call my brother on my nephew's birthday and loss day even though I still don't know what to say. I talk about my nephew when my brother wants to, but my sadness goes somewhere else. I also forgive my brother when he acts like a jerk because, grief. :-)

 

And, yes, cook if you can figure out how (Google will help you). We are an allergic family, and safe food is a life saver!

[BooksandBoys]

I want to clarify. When I say don't give them your grief, I mean, when you are with someone in a smaller circle, it's not about you, it's about them. You can still cry, be sad, etc. it's just not the time to talk about how much you are hurting. It's time to let them talk about how much they hurt and comfort them. Your time to talk about you and be comforted is with your outer circle supports.

[mamiof5]

I am so sorry for your bil, his family and all of you. Will pray that his suffering ends soon, and his wife and children are given the strength to deal with their loss :(

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Georgiana Daniels]

My daughter lost her husband and based on her experience, there's nothing. Nothing that can be said that's truly helpful, except to let her know you're there for her. It's true that she will need comfort LONG after everyone else has moved on with their lives. If you can't cook for them, maybe help with cleaning? Can you or your dh offer help with funeral arrangements, headstones, obituaries? If you have a way to contact her family, you can ask if you can bring meals for after the service if there's a gathering where there will be a lot of people. Stick to safe condolences, and even if they aren't exactly the "right" words, they will be appreciated by any reasonable person.

[purplejackmama]

Here's what helped me the most when at 25, I found myself as a widow. People who cared. Very simple. Just showing up. Not saying a cliche they thought would help, but simple offering their love.

 

Sundays were the hardest for me. So much time to be alone! I had friends who would come and sit with me. Talk if I wanted to talk, cry if I wanted to cry but they came. Voicemail messages from people who said, "don't call me back unless you want to, but I love you."

 

Here's the worst thing people did, tried to "explain" why I was walking this nightmare. Don't. Just don't. People who would tell me not to cry. Not helpful. People who got their feelings hurt when I didn't respond to their phone calls. No. Don't be that person.

 

I'm sorry for you SIL. She's got a long tough road ahead. It hurts.

[Corbster98]

Thank you for saying this. My bil is really suffering. He has bulbar ALS. He got a traceostomy recently because they said it would help him in a lot of ways, but right after getting it he seemed to have taken a turn for the worse. His wife is suctioning his tubing and mouth every ten to fifteen minutes round the clock right now. I hope this stage is not long for him because he is suffering so much right now and is ready to go.

I am so sorry to hear of how much your BIL is suffering. My family (husband is active duty army) was able to move back close to my father after his diagnosis so we could be a support system, both emotionally as well as physically. It was such a helpless feeling to watch the progression of the disease. By the time Dad passed, I was so relieved his suffering had ended, but I also felt guilty that I wanted God to take him. I understand. Hugs.

[wonderchica]

What about yard work? Maybe a service you could pay for monthly.

[sbgrace]

I'm sorry.

 

My sister lost her husband.

You've gotten great advice here.

I do like the idea of practical help like house cleaning. I think your husband's availability if it's wanted/needed is great.

And it's true that people express a lot of of sympathy and offer a lot of help and then mention nothing as time goes on. Keep checking in. Keep remembering the important dates going forward. For my sister, the days leading up to the anniversary of the death are actually harder than the the date of death itself. I don't know if that varies when the death isn't sudden, but thought I would mention it.

 

There is a message board online for young widows that helped my sister feel less alone. I just checked and apparently it closed, but has moved to here it looks like http://widda.org/if she might be interested.

[EmilyGF]

If you and she are somewhat Christian, I would recommend you reading "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser. It'll help you get a handle on grief a bit more (a subject really misunderstood in our culture as well as within the church). Jerry Sittser covers all sorts of situations, but his wife, mother, and daughter were all killed in a car accident when he was in his 30s, so it might help you to be more understanding of her when she does need you.

 

Hang in there, and be willing to watch the kids in the future, though probably not now.

 

Emily