Dmmetler Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 DD10 is just really prickly and negative. Everything is awful, the world is coming to an end, and she's the worst at X ever because she can't (get a math problem right at first, doesn't know what a word means in a scientific paper, win at Catan against Daddy....). If the cat doesn't want to sit on her lap, the cat hates her. Her tumbling coach making corrections means that she's been doing everything wrong for YEARS..... Yet she's still a happy cheerful kid when she's with her friends, when she's playing by herself, and so on. I don't think she's depressed-just really, really negative. The negativity seems saved for parents (and her poor, long-suffering tumbling coach). It's driving me nuts. It's like trying to homeschool a black hole. Any suggestions on surviving this stage? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Oh, the early puberty years. Sadly I still have one that can be like that. It is so wearing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amsunshine Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Hard liquor? Just kidding. I have a prickly, negative tween as well. No answers, but hugs to you. I will be watching this thread for suggestions myself. I think having and trying to cultivate a sense of humor helps, but it's difficult around here. My dh is a little better at it than I am. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Borage oil. You will be amazed. Also, food, sleep, exercise. As in "Have a sandwich" or "Go take a shower" or "OK, now it's time for 3 laps around the house to wake up your brain." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 I don't know if this will work for anyone else, but around that age, when my dd copped a bad attitude, I said something like, "The surly teen thing is getting old." And she thought about it, and knocked it off. I kind of feel like at these ages, they need us to help them regulate their emotions again, just like when they were toddlers. "Fake it till you make it," is another one I used sometimes. My general rule is that you can feel whatever you want to feel, but you can't take it out on other people. I don't insist on happy joy joy all the time, lest you misunderstand. Now, 8th grade was a whole new level of hell that mostly involved crying and anxiety, but at least the surliness was gone. Best wishes! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 YES!!! (Sorry for yelling, but I'm just answering your question!) My 11 year old son fits your description perfectly. He is negative about everything (unless he's playing with his friends, then he's just delightful!). I second the sleep/exercise/food suggestion. Otherwise, I also second the hard liquor suggestion. :D 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
historically accurate Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 I don't know if this will work for anyone else, but around that age, when my dd copped a bad attitude, I said something like, "The surly teen thing is getting old." And she thought about it, and knocked it off. I kind of feel like at these ages, they need us to help them regulate their emotions again, just like when they were toddlers. "Fake it till you make it," is another one I used sometimes. My general rule is that you can feel whatever you want to feel, but you can't take it out on other people. I don't insist on happy joy joy all the time, lest you misunderstand. Now, 8th grade was a whole new level of hell that mostly involved crying and anxiety, but at least the surliness was gone. Best wishes! No, no, no, no, no! I went through the surly tween thing with my oldest and my second is quickly developing that attitude!! Now you tell me that 8th grade is horrid too! That's where my oldest is. All I can say is thank God I went through menopause a few years ago, or this would be an explosive household! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 I had one just like that at 10, complicated by dyslexia and being really, really tiny compared to her swim teammates. It was a fairly terrible year. We just kind of rode it out, recognizing she did have some reasons to be bummed, but keeping a rein on it by not allowing her to use it as an excuse. Now, she is an 8th grader and we have done school for 4 days and have had four days of tearing up and irritation at her workload. She might have to do work on the weekends....the horror! Mostly, I let her vent and do not take it personally. She buckles down pretty well after a venting moment and she is not allowed to be mean to siblings when she is in a bad mood. That will result in chores (hers and the hurt sibling's chores as well). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Not prickly in a negative way, but just extremely sensitive about the littlest things. My mother actually kept a whole photo album made up entirely of family photos when everyone else is smiling and looking happy, and she is there with a frown. It was so typical, and very comical to look at now! We did work with her a lot on it, because we didn't want it to become a life-long pattern. I think the first thing we worked on was that even if she was in a negative mood inside, she could not take it out on those around her, including us. That just was not permissible. We worked with her on ways to do that, because of course at that age she probably wouldn't even have known how to do that. And of course we always encouraged her to talk with us about things that were bothering her. We talked about it very openly with her, trying to take her outside of the situation and examine it more objectively, which then helped her put things into better perspective. We never said "Oh, that's just the way she is!" It was not an overnight change, but years. And I'll happily add now that she is in her 20's and is actually one of the most positive, easy-going people I know. :) 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Yup. My oldest was/can be like that. It's taken years, but she's a little better now that she's 17. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 dudeling is very oppositional. surly, etc. scowels at things. very draining. far more so than I remember any of the others being. I'm working on it - don't know how effective anything is being yet . . . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Oh boy - my 11 year old. She's a fun, happy kid lots of the time. Other kids like her. But with me she is such a victim. She started crying today because her hair was in her eyes while she was practicing violin and I Iaughed. Good times. Where's my wine? :lol: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Sometimes at my house a "poopy attitude" gets you the consequence of scooping one load of horse poop. Not easy for most people though to implement. Today it is our almost 12 year old foster son.........................I will survive. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RioSamba Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 I'm on the other side of it now, thank goodness. There is much good advice in this thread already, so I will just share a mistake I made. The change in DD was dramatic. I attributed too much to her being *that age,* and as a consequence, I missed something that was happening to her. As my son heads into that territory, I'll be careful not to assume that his tweenagerness is the source of all negativity. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymonster Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 My almost-10 year old is painfully prickly this week. He can be so sweet and lovable one minute, but then the next moment he's snarky, obnoxious and downright mean. We are staying at my in-laws and my sisters-in-law gave me booze before dinner because *they* found him to be snarky and wanted a drink. At least their kids are older than mine and they know it's a phase. A very long, very annoying phase. When we get home, he's getting off the screens (my MIL has Cartoon Network, which is toxic for his attitude) and getting back on an exercise schedule. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEmama Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Mine was like that last year. I thought for sure it was those dreaded hormones surging, but it turned out to be directly related to his Lyme disease. I call it his Lost Year. It took an entire year before we knew the cause, and the attitude hasn't shown up since he was treated. That's probably not the case with your DD, but the moods were the same. I barely survived and got used to doing my errands alone while leaving him home to stew alone. The attitude about did me in; overnight he went from snuggly and sweet to nasty and cruel and I simply couldn't handle it. Of course now that I know he was sick and not just mean I feel terrible that I couldn't help him more, but in the moment it was all I could do to remain level. My daily mantra became "Damage Control". I think that's essential whether it's "just" hormones or something else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 My almost-10yo is the same. His little brother and I get the brunt of it. I'm so ready to send him far, far away most days. The one trick I have in my bag is his soft spot for his baby sister. Putting him in charge of doing something for her generally works at getting him out of his attitude for the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minerva Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Ah yes, 10. We are here. I give her extra hugs. I climb in bed with her to snuggle and read a lot. I get her alone to ask her how she is doing and what's going on. More food, more sleep, more exercise, more compassion and communication. I am operating under the idea (delusion?) that she needs extra love right now and that feeling this way isn't fun for her either. I could be completely wrong, but I think she would rather be happy and light rather than sour and mopey. but just isn't in total control of herself. Let's hope it's not too bumpy of a ride. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mabelen Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Yep. My 11 year old. We have talked about it and she rationally understands it is not acceptable nor productive but the tendency is still there. I am 51 and I am having signs of starting with my menopause, bad combination! On the bright side, my college sophomore daughter is becoming a very delightful and reasonable young lady once again. Too bad she will leave for college again in a few weeks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Borage oil. You will be amazed. Also, food, sleep, exercise. As in "Have a sandwich" or "Go take a shower" or "OK, now it's time for 3 laps around the house to wake up your brain." Which Borage oil and how do you use it? I've only found that it's good for women in menopause and skin issues. Could you direct me to info about using it for something like this. I do have 'one' of those prickly tweens :crying:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 DD was like that but seems to be getting better the closer she gets to 13. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Which Borage oil and how do you use it? I've only found that it's good for women in menopause and skin issues. Could you direct me to info about using it for something like this. I do have 'one' of those prickly tweens :crying:. Borage oil capsules, 1 a day when things are tense. I originally heard of it for PMS, which is what this prickliness resembles. It has the same active ingredient as evening primrose oil. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matrips Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Not the same person who asked, but which brand borage capsules? I'm interested too. They need to be PA free for safety and couldn't figure out which ones were. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doodlebug Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 DS is 9-1/2, and you described him! "Homeschooling a black hole" describes it perfectly. In some ways, it's like going back to parenting a 2 year old... Engaging the malaise doesn't work here, but distraction does. It's not like I can hand him a wooden spoon, and he's amazed... but, a funny comment, an odd observation (our cat is good for these), etc can sometimes be all that's needed to get DS's head out of the gray cloud, engaging with me in a positive way... and we can work from there. Other times, I can hear the negative commentary is really aimed back at him. I don't ignore this, but I don't correct it. Instead I say, "It sounds like you're really frustrated. Can you talk to me about what exactly is frustrating you right now? I'd like to help." I used to correct him... which only instigated defense of his position. We've worked through a LOT this way. Of course, there are times when we've exercised, had a great breakfast, I've made sure he has something nice to drink... and he just wants to argue with whatever school related activity I place in front of him. I send him to his room for some quiet time (which he doesn't interpret as punishment--he knows he needs it), and tell him, "When you come back and tell me you're ready to do school, I'm here." We both know it's futile to do school when he's in full blown funk mode... and I'm happy to wait. Of course, there are fun things waiting on the other side of school, so there is incentive for him to work through his funk on a specific timeline. Being the parent that floats above that gray cloud has been the most useful bit for me. But boy, watch out when we're both in a gray cloud. :) ETA: YES to LOTS AND LOTS of hugs and cuddles... DS is a big guy, but crawls right up in bed between DH and I and we just "huggle" him silly! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Borage oil--does it work for boys? What does PA free mean? For girls, I've also heard that rose hydrosol used as a facial toner is good for PMS symptoms, so maybe it would be great for tweens as well. 11 year old boys...sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Not the same person who asked, but which brand borage capsules? I'm interested too. They need to be PA free for safety and couldn't figure out which ones were. Thanks. I buy the Whole Foods brand ones, cold-pressed. I don't know whether they help boys or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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