Popular Post Nan in Mass Posted July 30, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted July 30, 2015 As we all deliver our precious children to their dorms, or shepherd them through orientation, or redeliver them, we will have a chance to see other parents doing the same. Some of those parents will appear to be rather... extreme. If your journey to this point in time only involved the ordinary struggles of parenthood, it would be really easy to look at other parents and be judgemental about their actions. I thought this might be a good time to remind everyone (including myself) that those extreme families might have gone through extreme difficulties, might still be facing extreme difficulties. Those children might really be as fragile as their parents seem to think they are. Grieving, depression, extreme allergies, eating disorders, car accidents, ..., the list goes on and on. Some of their actions might even be designed to protect other students. That mother with the container of bleach wipes might have an elderly parent with c. diff. at home, perish the thought. Sometimes helipcoptering enables a fragile student to survive. GRIN And other times, it is just as ridiculous as it looks. And sometimes it is just the general wierdness of the situation making everyone behave strangely. My point is, though, that I don't think you can't tell which is which from the outside. And you wouldn't want accidentally to make some family's difficult path even more difficult. Just a thought.. Nan 72 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myra Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 As a mom of an aspergar's kid who is also battling lyme disease and severe allergies, your message resonates with me. Even though this is his senior year, the change from the summer routine to the fall semester is one of many difficult transitions and until a new routine is established I find myself in the helicopter parent role. Unlike my second child who is drop off and roll! 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I love this post. There have been a number of times (more than I'd like to admit) in my life when I've made judgements against people and then later found out why they acted as they did, and it turns out that their actions were actually reasonable considering their situation. It's embarrassing and humbling to realize that ones' sanctimonious judging was wrong. I don't like feeling that way, so I generally assume they know what they're doing and why they're doing it and let it go. Story: I used to be very judgmental about pretty much everything. I had a friend who was just like me. 13 years ago I moved away. I met up with her about a month ago. I showed her some photos I took for a prom. The girl in the photo is one of the kindest people I know, is a hard worker and excellent student, and is sincere in her faith. And she has a tattoo. My old friend took one glance at the tattoo peeking out of the sleeve of the dress, raised her eyebrows and said, "A tattoo? While still in high school?" and made a disparaging snort noise. I'd forgotten that I used to be that way. I am SO GLAD I'm not anymore. I'd forgotten what it was like to judge people with only a glance. It's ugly and I'm not that person anymore. So, I love this post. Don't be like the old me or my old friend. You just don't know someone's story. P.S. And when my friend did this, I just let it go then, too. She has plenty of her own problems in her life. Maybe there's a reason she has a knee-jerk reaction to tattoos. I don't know. I changed the subject. 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Thank you Nan. As the parent of a special needs student heading off to college, this posts resonates here too. I've seen what I consider to be outrageous and crazy helicopter parenting. I also know that to many, my parenting of ds is outrageous helicopter parenting. I have felt the judgement from those who don't know us many times. Thank you for reminding us all not to make assumptions. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'm the parent of a 2E kid and I'm desperate to helicopter, but I don't because no way would he tolerate it. If I did he probably would have avoided some major stumbles and false starts. I think anyone with a 2E kid who can hover a bit is lucky and it's OK. no judgement at drop off. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myra Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I know, that 2E thing adds an extra layer - at least it does to us! Often the young adult doesn't see a need for any guidance and the necessary helicopter parent has to tiptoe around the issues; therefore, adding to the stress! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I just want to go around and give everyone hugs at drop off. It is so painful to drop kids off for the first time for most of us. No matter how proud, and excited for them we are. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Nan, Clean out your inbox - I'm trying to send a message to you! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhudson Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Thanks, Nan. I am struggling with the thought that I need to drop him off, help him get set up and get out without dissolving. I will keep your note in mind and give extra grace to the families around me. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Nan, This is such a sweet reminder. I hope my kid's roommates and families will be tolerant. I don't know what the future holds. But I'm pretty confident that ds will be attending school on the mainland while we are still living in Hawaii. Should anything happen, we are going to be several time zones and a long trans-Pacific flight away. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justkeepswimming Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Lovely post, thank you. Yes, everyone is walking their own path. :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingaway Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Great post. Thank you. It can be hard sometimes when you know you're standing out and being judged, but aren't going to tell the world the whole story. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 It isn't all bad. I've done a number of these drop offs now. My mother always unpacked my stuff and made my bed while I made friends, so I do that for my sons, even the older ones. Almost every time, I've gotten surprised comments, but then the mother turns to her son and asks if he,d like help unpacking and ... to her great surprise, the boy looks relieved and says yes. Mum goes away the happier for knowing that her son has a bed to drop into when he is finally through that long first day. Son feels less abandoned and is more likely to be able to find his deodorant in the morning. It just takes a bit of guts on my part. The other thing we,ve done that was met by surprised looks and then relief was to exchange contact info with the other parents. I don,t consider either of these things extreme AT ALL, just normal and they probably don,t belong in this thread. I just thought I,d stick them here while I was thinking of it. Nan 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Lol - as usual, my point surfaced after I posted. Those of you helicoptering might take comfort in the fact that your actions may give other parents the courage to do what their student needs. Nan 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngieW in Texas Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I stayed long enough to help my kids get their rooms set up and took them out for dinner. I did not hang around the entire day. Our move-in time has always been some time between noon and three. It's noon this year. We did learn the second year that you absolutely want to be there on your assigned day and close to you assigned time. They have people who help with move-in and if you are there at the prearranged day and time, they will have your car unloaded and all the stuff up to the room in the time it takes for your student to get checked in and get the key. The whole move-in takes about 15 minutes from the time I pull into the spot they wave me to. Then I can spend 2-3 hours helping to unpack and get things sorted and make a run out to the Target for any last-minute things that we forgot or didn't think of. Last year, I left home with my dd at 8am, arrived at noon, and left my dd to head back home at 5pm. I didn't get to see her in person again until Thanksgiving break. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peach Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Move-in day for the incoming freshmen is a big thing here too. Tons of upperclassmen, grad students, staff..all volunteer to unload and move in the stuff for the new students, they have food and it's one big party. I think this is such a cool idea and I know it makes the new kids feel at home a lot faster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Move-in day for the incoming freshmen is a big thing here too. Tons of upperclassmen, grad students, staff..all volunteer to unload and move in the stuff for the new students, they have food and it's one big party. I think this is such a cool idea and I know it makes the new kids feel at home a lot faster. Unless they have special needs that make all of the chaos totally overwhelming, thus needing parents to run interference for them so that they can get settled in more easily. Thus, the need for some pretty planned out helicopter parenting. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Move-in day for the incoming freshmen is a big thing here too. Tons of upperclassmen, grad students, staff..all volunteer to unload and move in the stuff for the new students, they have food and it's one big party. I think this is such a cool idea and I know it makes the new kids feel at home a lot faster. Here too. I've liked everything associated with middle dd's school on facebook. I'm getting lots of posts asking for people to help with freshman move-in. Another benefit is you get to move in early yourself. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Unless they have special needs that make all of the chaos totally overwhelming, thus needing parents to run interference for them so that they can get settled in more easily. Thus, the need for some pretty planned out helicopter parenting. Ds and I had a great conversation with disability services where the guy told us he had just had a big meeting with the RAs. They were all excited about all the wonderful plans they have for freshman move-in and orientation. He said he pointed out to them that their plans were terrific for extroverts like them, but to please remember that there are some kids for whom it isn't terrific, it is torture. He told ds to feel free to politely excuse himself and leave if it becomes too much. I was so thankful to hear someone understand and even advise ds how to handle it (someone besides me). 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I just want to go around and give everyone hugs at drop off. It is so painful to drop kids off for the first time for most of us. No matter how proud, and excited for them we are. :iagree: This year will be my 3rd time and it's only slightly easier. Actually, due to some changes, this year will bring new worries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen in VA Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Yup, for introverted newbies the over-psyched upperclassmen trying to make things "fun" and all of the "get to know you" games can be SERIOUSLY overwhelming! Since she is a transfer student, dd2 is moving into an upperclassmen dorm. She is hoping the isolation will lead to less rowdiness during the orientation days . (Few upperclassmen will be on campus). We'll see! 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well said op. Quick judgments can often be very off and at times hurtful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daijobu Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I hate the term "helicopter parents." In the 1980s parents were criticized for not being involved enough with our kids and their schools. Now we're criticized for being too involved. What do they want from us? 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 And then there is the child like my middle son, who drove himself 12 hours away to college, without a parent. I wonder if anyone was judging his parents because they didn't care. We very much did, but he wanted to go alone and he has always been very independent, so I did my crying as he drove out of our driveway. He will be a college junior this year and I still get teary when he goes back to school. Actually, I did very little in the college search process. He did go to PS for high school, but they weren't much help, honestly, and he did his own research. He asked me to read over essays, one of which I told him did not paint him in full light. I gave him suggestions on how to revise it and he did. He did invite me to go on a trip to tour prospective universities and I tried to keep my mouth shut about my preference, even though I knew one was right from the minute we got to campus. He picked that one. :) Good reminder, Nan! Kids, and adults for that matter, are all so different. Each of us have different needs. It is always good to give a little (or alot) of grace to people who do things differently than we do. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 That mother with the container of bleach wipes might have an elderly parent with c. diff. at home, perish the thought. I hope that cleaning the room up isn't commonly considered extreme helicopter parenting, because I plan to go waaaay beyond bleach wipes after spending the night in a dorm while dropping dd off at camp. This was a new-ish honors dorm with private bedrooms, bathroom for 2 people, and common area for 4. The level of other people's dirt was well past what dd would be able to quickly clean by herself while moving her stuff in. Call me Black Hawk, but I'm going to help her scrub that room down! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frosch Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I have to be one of those neglectful parents this year. Last year, we drove they up to school with all his younger siblings. We carried everything in and set up his room for him while he socialized and got his bearings. Then we took him and the new roommate to dinner. This year, I stick him on and international flight back to school. He’ll change planes in state and be picked up by a family member. Then he’ll pack up his own car and drive 6 hours to school on his own. And I’ll be bawling my eyes out 6 time zones away. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Thank you! I'm going to share this with the rest of the family, so we can all keep it in mind. It's just 10 days until we are right there in the thick of it! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 OK. I've made arrangements to get off work. We are renting a car--the two vehicles we own are questionable for 9 hour drives over mountains. We are taking younger ds, who has intellectual disabilities. dd17 is going to stay home. MIL will show up late in the day after we've left and stay the night. She'll leave in the morning and we'll get back late the next night. I asked ds if he wanted me to come. He said he thought I should come. We often butt heads, but ds is 2E and he's started to realize I'm the parent who knows the way things work today is different than 30 years ago and I'm the parent who notices details of daily life. If the trip were just dh and him, dh would park take all the stuff to his room and say goodbye. I'm not going to get teary eyed, but I am going to notice if electrical outlets are working, if each piece of furniture that comes with the room is there and actually working. I'm going to notice with the dining hall opens and what time ds should report to advising. I don't have great executive function skills, but I'm miles ahead of ds and having him say I should come is a nice acknowledgement that my presence helps. We won't hang out all day--we can't, we have to drive back that day. We are driving down the day before dorms open. I hope we can amble around campus the night before and the morning of move in. Dorms open at 12. I could take ds without dh, but I think dh should come and see the school. This is our second time trying this. ds is a transfer. The first time he went across country to a military college and only one of us could go. I went then too. It's important to bring younger ds too. Younger ds didn't understand why older ds just disappeared from the beginning of August to mid December last time. It will be much better if he sees the process. Now, to get back to getting ds out of here in 10 days. Because of our family's collective executive function problems, every necessary appointment, including physicals and vaccinations is scheduled this week. Plus we need to shop for shoes and a few things. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Diana, you might add laundry facilities to you list of things to check. One of mine had to fill a card at a separate location. One needed a jar of quarters. And the counseling center (for sudden emergencies, they are not a bad first stop because they can calm as well as tell you who to call to get the problem resolved. We actually managed to get our if-y-est student introduced to the counselor at drop off. We made sure the others had the phone number and weren't afraid to use it. We figured out how tutoring worked, too. And who to go to if they were sick. And advising and commons and mail. This left the student with plenty of memories of his family on campus, and us able to picture him going about his day. Comforting for all. We brought oldest's dog so she would know where he had vanished to. I wished I could do the same for his young cousins. I know that as far as they were concerned, my children were just gone. They asked constantly. (I babysat for them while their mother worked.) I wish I had brought them to drop off, but we were trying not to stress the poor student any more than possible. But you probably have it all figured out, having done it before. : ) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Call me Black Hawk, but I'm going to help her scrub that room down! Thank you for the warning for this potential behavior. We are very laid back about what passes for clean and consider germs to be immune system builders. I might have given some parents a really weird look if I'd seen them sanitizing what I consider to be a clean room. Now with the heads up, I'll be able to smile understandingly instead. :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Well, with a girl, maybe it will stay clean. I wouldn't bother with a boy because I've seen what they look like a month later.. Absolutely disgusting... Ha, don't tell that to my mom. She had three girls and one boy, and my brother was the only neat one among us! I'm also much more at ease with "my" dirt and mess. Other people's dirt and mess is gross :laugh: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 Nan, Clean out your inbox - I'm trying to send a message to you! I did so. : ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Yup, for introverted newbies the over-psyched upperclassmen trying to make things "fun" and all of the "get to know you" games can be SERIOUSLY overwhelming! Since she is a transfer student, dd2 is moving into an upperclassmen dorm. She is hoping the isolation will lead to less rowdiness during the orientation days . (Few upperclassmen will be on campus). We'll see! My introvert child is skipping the 3 day orientation for new students. Besides being a commuter student who doesn't drive (I have no desire to hang out in town for 3 different days and it's too far to drive twice a day), the activities sound like torture. It also costs 1 credit. If he was living on campus, it'd be different. One of my clubs is helping with move-in day. I'm considering volunteering to hand out tissues to departing parents or something like that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen in VA Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 My introvert child is skipping the 3 day orientation for new students. Wow -- orientation was MANDATORY at all the schools my kids have attended (or almost attended). Skipping it was not an option! But my kids would love to be able to miss it -- my kids rank orientation right up there with having their wisdom teeth removed! The one I'm still sore about is the one that ended up costing us over $500 out of pocket between the hotel, meals out, gas, and the college fee for attendance. I guess the only redeeming feature there is that she decided not to attend the school, so the $500 saved a potentially miserable year. The funny thing is neither college I attended back in the dark ages did orientation. Do colleges now see it as a money-maker, or do colleges feel that students nowadays are under-prepared? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Wow -- orientation was MANDATORY at all the schools my kids have attended (or almost attended). Skipping it was not an option! But my kids would love to be able to miss it -- my kids rank orientation right up there with having their wisdom teeth removed! The one I'm still sore about is the one that ended up costing us over $500 out of pocket between the hotel, meals out, gas, and the college fee for attendance. I guess the only redeeming feature there is that she decided not to attend the school, so the $500 saved a potentially miserable year. The funny thing is neither college I attended back in the dark ages did orientation. Do colleges now see it as a money-maker, or do colleges feel that students nowadays are under-prepared? I'm pretty sure it's highly recommended and at registration ds heard from different sources that it was and wasn't required. They let me skip it when I registered, so we're going with the "it's optional" idea. Nothing in the material I read said it was required :coolgleamA: By looking at the activities, ds doesn't need a lesson on the computer lab usage or how to find his classes. He's been to campus with me enough times. I certainly don't want him to pay the cost of a full credit for that. Plus it's the 3 days right before school. That's all I need is an overstimulated introvert with mild anxiety issues feeling bombed out right before the first day of school. I'm sure it's a blast for some kids and would be good if if he were going to be on campus. I imagine they're trying to get all the students on the same page and this kind of does that. They signed him up for it at registration, I gave him a choice. He chose to drop it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 The funny thing is neither college I attended back in the dark ages did orientation. Do colleges now see it as a money-maker, or do colleges feel that students nowadays are under-prepared? My college had orientation a good 30 years ago. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 My college had orientation a good 30 years ago. Mine, too. IIRC, it was five days on campus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Ds's college has MANDATORY stamped in big bold letters on everything related to freshman orientation. My college didn't have an orientation. That said, according to our "freshman experience director" there is research that shows how much retention rates and GPAs are improved by helping freshman acclimate. The freshman orientation is just one way that ds's school does that, but there are more. Their freshman experience is rated as the top in the nation among small schools and ranks top 10 among all schools (I have no idea who ranks that, but it was in the literature :)) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kareni Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 My college had orientation a good 30 years ago. As did mine. I recall a day long event mid-summer in which we took placement tests (math, writing, and foreign language), met an adviser to register for classes, and stood in a long line to get a photo ID card (with our social security numbers, naturally!) It's a good thing that my parents lived only a couple of hours away so within driving distance; I don't recall staying in a hotel. One of my parents drove me but there truly was next to nothing to do in the small university town; I have absolutely no idea how my parent spent that day. I don't think there were any parent sessions. I did meet my future best friend who subsequently became my sophomore, junior, and senior year roommate while standing in a long line. I went looking for her once the school year began. I was placed into an upperclasswoman dorm with a senior who didn't have a roommate and benefited from a large room with air conditioning. My friend was in a supposed to be double made triple in a dorm with no air conditioning. Guess whose room we lived in the next year? Regards, Kareni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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