s/o Guardianship...just in case.

[fairfarmhand]

I hate that thread. It reminds me that we don't have many options for our kids if we were to both go at once.

 

I have a bil and sil who would do well, but they have three kids of their own, similar in ages to my younger 3. As I have parented, I've learned that the most important thing to kids is not money or time...it's emotional energy.  Could they be emotionally available for 7 kids, 6 of whom are within 8 yrs of one another? Sounds very difficult, not just for my kids but for theirs too,.

 

Grandparents are all in poor health.

 

My brother would be my first choice, were he married. But he's not. He's the one family member who looks at life the way that we do. I think he would parent closest to how we do.]

 

I hate this discussion,

[The Girls' Mom]

I always did too.  Our first choice was Tom's parents, but even then we knew it wouldn't really be anything like we'd planned on raising them.  So thankful that one has now reached adulthood, and the other two are old enough that they could all still just live here if something happened to us.  (finances would be taken care of)

[marbel]

It's hard.  We have no  suitable family members.  Our first-line guardians for our kids are our closest friends.  At this point in our lives, it's probably moot.  But it was a source of some worry for a while.  The only thing that kept it from being a horrible worry was that we have sufficient life insurance so the kids would not be a financial burden. They could have sent the kids to boarding school if they'd wanted. 

 

With my son about to turn 18 and my daughter 16.5 and mature enough to be an emancipated minor, we really just need someone to guide them financially and help them get set up on their own.  I have some grown nieces who could help there; of course our friends are still our friends but they live on the opposite coast.  We are thinking of asking someone completely unrelated but very trustworthy to control the $$ and help them with finances till... 21?  25?  something like that. Still working that out. 

 

 

[TechWife]

 

 

My brother would be my first choice, were he married. But he's not. He's the one family member who looks at life the way that we do. I think he would parent closest to how we do.]

 

 

 

Don't rule out your brother just because he isn't married. He might make a great guardian for your children! If you think he's the best match from a parenting perspective, talk to him about it and see if he would be willing to take it on. Let him know what the financial situation would likely look like, too, so he can make a more informed decision. 

 

Also, you don't have to name family members. We have friends who named a family friend as the guardian and then spelled out in the will who was not to get custody and why they weren't to get custody. 

[J-rap]

I agree with not ruling out your brother just because he is single.  If you have enough money after the sale of your home and land, etc., to give over to your brother if something should happen, he could even hire a nanny or assistant. 

 

We were really fortunate in that I would have been happy with any number of relatives or close friends taking on that responsibility.  But, I also breathed a sigh of relief once our two oldest were old enough and then married.  I knew our two youngest would be fine in their care.

[Pawz4me]

I hate that thread. It reminds me that we don't have many options for our kids if we were to both go at once.

 

I have a bil and sil who would do well, but they have three kids of their own, similar in ages to my younger 3. As I have parented, I've learned that the most important thing to kids is not money or time...it's emotional energy.  Could they be emotionally available for 7 kids, 6 of whom are within 8 yrs of one another? Sounds very difficult, not just for my kids but for theirs too,.

 

Grandparents are all in poor health.

 

My brother would be my first choice, were he married. But he's not. He's the one family member who looks at life the way that we do. I think he would parent closest to how we do.]

 

I hate this discussion,

 

I wouldn't rule out your brother just because he's single.  Especially if you would be leaving him with enough financial resources that he could hire people to help out if needed.

 

 

It's hard.  We have no  suitable family members.  Our first-line guardians for our kids are our closest friends.  At this point in our lives, it's probably moot.  But it was a source of some worry for a while.  The only thing that kept it from being a horrible worry was that we have sufficient life insurance so the kids would not be a financial burden. They could have sent the kids to boarding school if they'd wanted. 

 

With my son about to turn 18 and my daughter 16.5 and mature enough to be an emancipated minor, we really just need someone to guide them financially and help them get set up on their own.  I have some grown nieces who could help there; of course our friends are still our friends but they live on the opposite coast.  We are thinking of asking someone completely unrelated but very trustworthy to control the $$ and help them with finances till... 21?  25?  something like that. Still working that out.

 

FWIW . . . we made our wills many years ago, even before we had kids.  At that time we set things up so that all proceeds from our estate would be managed by my brother (and listed DH's brother as second choice) until any kids we might have were 25.  It seemed a reasonable age to us.  Now we have a 19 yo who is working on a degree in either finance or economics, and a 16 yo who has proven to be extremely frugal with money.  So it's possible when youngest turns 18 we'll revisit that issue.  But at the time 25 seemed like a good age to us, and the very thorough attorney we were using agreed.

[marbel]

I was single when my sister asked me to be guardian of her 4 kids.   I agreed, though I admit I was somewhat reluctant.  But I was not well financially set up and neither was she, so it would have been a huge financial burden to me, as in, I would not have been able to support them and myself.  But I loved the kids (still do, actually) and knew I was the best/only choice.

 

Anyway, if my brother were suitable, I'd not hesitate just because he's single.

[creekland]

We were in a similar situation and never did write a will or appoint anyone officially.

 

I'm really glad it never became an issue.  My youngest is 19 now.

 

We still have to get around to writing a will - eventually.  We discussed a bit of that with middle son when he was home on break last month - just so he has an idea of what we own, etc.

[cbollin]

We get to add into the mix  the worries and concerns about conservatorship (guardian) of special needs child who may not be able to care for herself after age 18..... and the special needs trusts aspects.  I'm not sure the oldest child (who is older than 18) is the right person at this point in life.???? 

[G5052]

We debated long and hard and chose the relative has a parenting philosophy similar to ours. They homeschool, but not the way we do. We figured that parenting was more important than schooling in a situation like that and put a letter in with the documents that gave our vision and plan for continuing homeschooling and discussed it with them.  It would be tough on them.

 

But now with one in college and one in high school, the picture has changed.  I suppose we need to address that!

 

 

[Pawz4me]

We were in a similar situation and never did write a will or appoint anyone officially.

 

I'm really glad it never became an issue.  My youngest is 19 now.

 

We still have to get around to writing a will - eventually.  We discussed a bit of that with middle son when he was home on break last month - just so he has an idea of what we own, etc.

 

He (or someone) needs much more than an "idea" of what you own.  At the very least he needs to know where you keep financial records.

 

When I was settling my mom's estate, one of the banking people I had to deal with told me a horror story of a lady whose father had passed away and named her as his executor.  She not only had no idea of what her father's assets/investments were, she couldn't find any records.  No bank statements or anything.  She had to wait for mail to trickle in in order to figure out where her father's assets and investments were.  The banker said that lack of knowledge caused many issues and delays in settling the estate.

 

Both of our boys know where all of our financial documents are, including passwords for online access.  They know where all the deeds, vehicle titles, insurance info and other important documents are.  After settling both of my parents' estates, I can't begin to tell you all how helpful it is to have that knowledge/immediate access and not have to play detective during what is already a very stressful time.

 

Lesson learned:  Keep good records.  Preferably paper records that are easily accessible.  Let someone you trust -- older children, friend, close relative, somebody -- know where those records are kept.

[creekland]

He (or someone) needs much more than an "idea" of what you own.  At the very least he needs to know where you keep financial records.

 

...

 

Both of our boys know where all of our financial documents are, including passwords for online access.  They know where all the deeds, vehicle titles, insurance info and other important documents are.  After settling both of my parents' estates, I can't begin to tell you all how helpful it is to have that knowledge/immediate access and not have to play detective during what is already a very stressful time.

 

Lesson learned:  Keep good records.  Preferably paper records that are easily accessible.  Let someone you trust -- older children, friend, close relative, somebody -- know where those records are kept.

 

He does know where all these things are kept.

 

I will probably make an updated streamlined list for him and keep it on the top though.  That would make it easier for him - or anyone - should it be needed.

 

[Mimm]

My first choice is my inlaws. I think my mother would try to get my kids but my siblings would all support my kids going to my inlaws. They are in reasonably good health and so on. I have a brother though who has a decent income, lives in a nice big house, is married to a lovely woman, and currently has no children of their own. I might change my mind as my inlaws get older and ask him instead. I have another brother and a sister, both single, who would be suitable choices. I have no misgivings about their ability to parent and raise my children well, but in terms of finances and free time, it would be very hard for them both. She's already a mom and stretched thin and he works 60+ hours a week. I'm named as the guardian for her son in the event of her death. His father might fight for him so other than not wanting to lose my dear sister, I have other reasons for hoping she lives a good long life. :) 

[Mimm]

He (or someone) needs much more than an "idea" of what you own.  At the very least he needs to know where you keep financial records.

 

When I was settling my mom's estate, one of the banking people I had to deal with told me a horror story of a lady whose father had passed away and named her as his executor.  She not only had no idea of what her father's assets/investments were, she couldn't find any records.  No bank statements or anything.  She had to wait for mail to trickle in in order to figure out where her father's assets and investments were.  The banker said that lack of knowledge caused many issues and delays in settling the estate.

 

Both of our boys know where all of our financial documents are, including passwords for online access.  They know where all the deeds, vehicle titles, insurance info and other important documents are.  After settling both of my parents' estates, I can't begin to tell you all how helpful it is to have that knowledge/immediate access and not have to play detective during what is already a very stressful time.

 

Lesson learned:  Keep good records.  Preferably paper records that are easily accessible.  Let someone you trust -- older children, friend, close relative, somebody -- know where those records are kept.

 

See, this is a source of conflict in my marriage. My husband has our finances ridiculously secure. Yes, there's such a thing as too secure. He has a password database protected by a passphrase that gets changed every so often. The password database generates random passwords made of numbers and letters that are very long and completely unrememberable. You open the password database, copy the password and paste it into the password field. You never even see the password with your own eyes. Recently he had to make five security questions to create an account. He made up the answers to them and entered the fake answers into the password database! He said the questions needed to be just as secure as our actual passwords. It was ridiculous. All that to say, I personally have very little knowledge of our finances, I find the whole thing difficult and burdensome to use and would have a hard time accessing our financial information if he died. If both of us died? No one has a change in hell of getting into any of that stuff.

 

Fortunately/unfortunately, mostly it's a lot of debt and not much in the way of assets. ;)

[fairfarmhand]

My brother being single isn't quite as much about my kids not having a mom or him being unable to handle 3! teen/pre-teen girls, but I still have hopes that he would get married. I wonder if  three nieces and a nephew would kind of put the nails in the coffin lid of that possibility.

[Seasider]

Sigh of relief here when oldest hit legal age. The biggest thing he will be is a voice for the younger ones. Very level headed kid.

 

Otherwise we were also stuck. The "logical" choice - to onlookers - were objectionable to both dh and I for privately held reasons. We have also discussed separate financial and physical custody arrangements.

[marbel]

My brother being single isn't quite as much about my kids not having a mom or him being unable to handle 3! teen/pre-teen girls, but I still have hopes that he would get married. I wonder if  three nieces and a nephew would kind of put the nails in the coffin lid of that possibility.

 

You never know.  I have known more than one woman who happily took on a "ready-made" family.  Have you ever asked him if he would be willing/happy to do it?

 

When we asked our friends, we wrote a letter and snail-mailed it.  Our first paragraph said "don't answer right away; think this over and whatever you do don't say yes unless you truly want to do it."   I suppose it's possible they said yes even if they didn't really want to do it - we can never know for sure - but we gave them the opportunity to say no and we didn't put them on the spot by asking in person. 

 

 

[HRAAB]

We used to be in the same dilemma. any family members that would have been able to take 5 children were not a good choice. The ones who would have been a good choice, emotionally and timewise, wouldn't have been able. If something were to happen now, I feel much more peaceful about it - meaning where my youngest two would go. Either of their two oldest sisters would be a good choice, and their husbands are willing. There would be money from our property to see them through college.

 

I wouldn't write off your brother yet until I had asked him. I agree that time and emotionally stability are most important.

[Wheres Toto]

I was another who gave a sigh of relief when my oldest hit legal age.  She is really our only good choice, although I expect my mother will give her a lot of help if it happens, especially in the beginning.  Financially she would be well enough off to complete her schooling and continue to pay for the kids teacher until they were old enough to not need direct supervision and could do on-line school, dual enrollment, or work somewhat independently.

 

She knows she's the choice but we probably should write a few things down for her and make sure she knows where to find things.

 

[brehon]

My brother being single isn't quite as much about my kids not having a mom or him being unable to handle 3! teen/pre-teen girls, but I still have hopes that he would get married. I wonder if three nieces and a nephew would kind of put the nails in the coffin lid of that possibility.

Don't make that decision for him. Allow him to make his own fully informed decision. He may be honored you asked him or he may say no. However, the best thing to do is to ask him. (I like the idea of sending a letter to him.)

[kbutton]

For those who have not made wills yet, I learned just a few weeks ago that one of the POA documents in our state now allows you to name guardianship for your kids even without a will. I think it's the healthcare POA document. You might check to see if you can do that in your state. 

[SKL]

Yeah.  Legally mine would go to my parents.  My parents are not necessarily up to it.  Other people who are closer to the kids would need to step up and they'd all need to cooperate.  Cooperation isn't necessarily the strong point of any of the parties.

 

As Jane Eyre said:  I must keep in good health and not die.  :)

[kbutton]

We get to add into the mix  the worries and concerns about conservatorship (guardian) of special needs child who may not be able to care for herself after age 18..... and the special needs trusts aspects.  I'm not sure the oldest child (who is older than 18) is the right person at this point in life.???? 

 

An attorney who specializes in special needs spoke to our church's SN group a few weeks ago. In our state, it's not uncommon for attorneys to become the guardian if necessary. I don't know if that helps, but maybe you can have an attorney as primary or secondary to help out the oldest sibling (or the other siblings if time and maturity works in that direction).

[TranquilMind]

I hate that thread. It reminds me that we don't have many options for our kids if we were to both go at once.

 

I have a bil and sil who would do well, but they have three kids of their own, similar in ages to my younger 3. As I have parented, I've learned that the most important thing to kids is not money or time...it's emotional energy.  Could they be emotionally available for 7 kids, 6 of whom are within 8 yrs of one another? Sounds very difficult, not just for my kids but for theirs too,.

 

Grandparents are all in poor health.

 

My brother would be my first choice, were he married. But he's not. He's the one family member who looks at life the way that we do. I think he would parent closest to how we do.]

 

I hate this discussion,

Just pick someone and then pray you live long enough for them to reach maturity.  We did, and now the oldest knows that she is to take over if anything happened, God forbid, and is glad to do so, if needed. 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Don't make that decision for him. Allow him to make his own fully informed decision. He may be honored you asked him or he may say no. However, the best thing to do is to ask him. (I like the idea of sending a letter to him.)

 

I have a DBIL who was the guardian for both of our boys and still is for the one still a minor.  I worried we would be imposing by asking when the boys were younger, but he would move heaven and earth to make sure his nephews were well cared for and was honored when we asked.

[StephanieZ]

If the only thing stopping you from choosing your brother is that he's not married, I'd say go with him anyway. People get divorced or widowed all the time. If he'd be a good parent, just pick him. Get a big fat term life insurance policy so that he'll be able to afford a bigger house, a nanny, or to work PT or take a slow-track in his profession. Get enough so that part could be set aside for the kids' futures while there'd be plenty left to support the entire family (including your brother if he didn't work or a FT nanny salary if that'd be his choice). Term life insurance is pretty cheap, and if one of you (you or your spouse) is hard to insure, then you'd only need the policy on the easier to insure one of you. 

[SporkUK]

We wrestled with this a lot when we last did our wills, because we had originally asked BIL (BIL, my partner's brother, seemed very excited and honoured by it which my partner expected but I was surprised by as they do not have kids) but in the 10 years since we asked he's gone through multiple rounds with different cancers and is now terminally ill. 

 

My family all live overseas -- and only my grandfather, an uncle, aunt, and other distance relative have even met my kids, and my in-laws, well, that's just not going to work as much as they like the kids...in small amounts. So we got advice as will laws differ so greatly from place to place and we structured our will so that the person we named would be the one in charge of the kid's saving funds and finances and could choose another caring guardian for the kids if they found another more suitable or the kids were old enough to have input. So we named my partner's sister who is level headed, good with money, and open minded even if she isn't particularly interested in a sudden large brood years after her one left the nest. Personally, I'd like the caring to go to our lodger-friend, they love him, he's great with them, very patient and would give them some stability, but it would depend on who was in the best situation when the worst (hopefully doesn't) happen. 

[Reefgazer]

I agree with this. We have lots of options for guardianship of our children, most of whom are married. However, we agreed on DH's sister, who is single. She is capable, a good financial manager, we approve of her values and views, she has patience and good judgement, she would be capable of guiding the kids through young adulthood, she is highly educated, and the kids love her and are close to her.

 

Don't rule out your brother just because he isn't married. He might make a great guardian for your children! If you think he's the best match from a parenting perspective, talk to him about it and see if he would be willing to take it on. Let him know what the financial situation would likely look like, too, so he can make a more informed decision.

 

Also, you don't have to name family members. We have friends who named a family friend as the guardian and then spelled out in the will who was not to get custody and why they weren't to get custody.