Quit job or something else! Help I am losing my mind!

[3and3]

I currently am working in the evenings 5:30-10:30 with 30 minute drive both ways. I make pretty good money for the area we live in, but the only reason I started working was so that we could pay down debt. We have not been able to pay off as much as I would have liked. But I don't think I can keep this up. My children are still awake when I get home and are not getting to bed till midnight or later. So I don't get to sleep till maybe 1-2am. We are never ready to start school before noon which wouldn't be a huge problem if I still had 5 hours to do school, but I have to stop around 3:30 to make dinner and get ready for work. Not to mention I am not able to do extra curricular activities for any of the kids because I am not home at night. Or any of the many afternoon homeschooling activities in the area. My husband is gone from 7:30-5:00 M-F and is not very helpful around the house or with kids. He is having some health issues as well. So asking him to do anymore is out of the question right now.

 

I told him that I will be quiting my job by August no matter what. I am not doing homeschooling very well and my oldest dd at home is starting highschool in the fall and I am determined to do better! If I quit we will not be able to pay our debt off and we will need additional income just to pay normal expenses. So dh said he is willing to get 2nd job, but would like me to find a way to make a little extra from home. I have no skills or higher education so not sure how I will do that. Plus my dh health is not well and he has said the same thing in the past but never got another job.

 

I am at my last nerve trying to figure this out. My children have to be my first priority. Public schools in the area is NOT an option! I have been contemplating bankruptcy,food stamps, cashing in 401k if that's possible. Or even finding a job working only weekends, but it would be huge pay cut ($5) because I could only make min wage. To what extent do I go to, to take care of my kids and not lose my mind in the process. All of the debt is credit cards. So our credit would be ruined but we would still be able to keep the home and our vehicles which are paid for but have over 200,000 milles on them!

 

Sorry this is so long but I am seriously stressed out and needs some advice. Thanks

[raptor_dad]

If you are poor enough to qualify for SNAP benefits, you should take them. Wrecking you health and stressing your family isn't worth it. That is what the social safety net is there for.

[MeghanL]

It seems like the main problem with your schedule is having to put all the kids to bed once you get home & then be able to function in the morning after getting some down time. 

 

Can you give the 13, 12 & 10 year old their bedtime routine so your DH just has to monitor and not really *do* anything other than "Hey kids, it's time for bed!" and then help the twins get ready so all the kids are asleep when you get home? Then you can come home after work, get the house stuff done you need to do & get some unwind time and still get to bed (and up) at a decent time so you can start school before noon? 

 

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't have any advice on the future, but for the present, I would make a huge deal out of the kids being in bed by the time you come home.  A husband with health problems can still enforce bedtime.  Kids who are 13, 12 and 10 should be able to help him out with the 7 year olds.  Then you can get home, unwind and get into bed for your own health and sanity's sake.  

[bettyandbob]

I'm about to leave the house for my second job, so I won't get all my thoughts down, but here's a start. 

 

I assume you have 5 dc at home. The oldest are 12 and 13. 12 and 13 yos can do a lot to help keep the basic home stuff running. 

1. 12 and 13 yos should be putting everyone to bed by 9:30 or 10 and then going to bed themselves. Start with this early bedtime on weekends and have them learn a routine to follow from you. Once they start doing it, start with some small privilege/reward when the kids are in bed before you get home. Then, work up to a bigger privilege/reward for them when bedtime is consistent. I am assuming dh can at least make note that bedtime happened. 

 

2. Everyone is big enough to have chores. If everyone does not have significant chores start with a few now. Have a chart, who has got to what on which day of the week. Figure out small rewards to build consistency.

 

3. turn over meal planning/prep to the kids. My sister, brother and I were making dinner every weeknight from the time we were 12, 11, and 7. We also had to be up to make weekday breakfast, but I don't think that's necessary or helpful for you. We planned the menus and made the shopping list for our menus. The meals were simple (broiled hamburgers, steamed frozen veg, mashed potatoes). Teach your kids a few simple meals to prepare and leave them in charge. They can either prepare dinner at the time you usually do, freeing you to take care of some other chore. Perhaps the dinner team rotates, so that each day of the week you have a different pair of dc to give another hour of instruction to. Perhaps they make dinner when you are leaving the house at 5 and you don't eat with them, but they've gotten more instruction from you. Pick the option that works best. 

 

I don't think the weekend job is the answer. you will continue to be exhausted because you will be "on" 7 days a week and will no longer have options for family time. 

 

Don't focus energy being frustrated that dh is not changing his habits to improve the situation because it may be he never will. Make a conscious decision to accept or not accept and move on to focusing on how the dc can learn to be responsible and help your whole family function as a unit. 

[Anne in CA]

I, also, would insist that dh get the kids in bed by 8:30, even the 12yo can be in bed with a book at that time. I think your biggest priority is to MAKE your dh understand that that needs to happen. I understand that when it stays light outside longer it will be even harder, but you need to put your foot down. Also, they need to get up at a reasonable hour and do school work. 

 

I home schooled while working nights for 16 years and my kids got a great education. My dh fed the kids dinner, helped them clean up afterward and PUT THEM TO BED.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

I completely agree that you shouldn't have to put kids to bed when you get back-they should already be there.

 

I occasionally have activities outside the home than have me back late and my husband gets the youngest to bed at a reasonable hour before I get back. My husband runs his own business, works from home up to 12 hours a day,  has had serious physical and some mild mental health issues. He was still able to get the kids to bathe, brush their teeth and go to bed.

 

My older girls have helped out occasionally with the youngest and they have done plenty of babysitting starting around 12-13ish.  They have gotten children of all ages to bed by what ever bedtime the parents determined before the parents arrived home.

[.Michelle.]

NT 7 year-olds (as well as the older children) should be capable of bathing and getting ready for bed on their own.  Your husband should be able to manage the process.  If his health is such that he could still manage a second job, he should be able to manage the household for the few hours until bedtime.

[Annie G]

To be blunt, if he's healthy enough to work a second job, he's healthy enough to help get the kids fed and in bed at a reasonable hour.  

 

It sounds like you need a boot camp to get your schedule working well. Chores, meal prep, bedtime, and any extracurricular activities need to be divvied up and everyone does their part.  Older kids can help, younger kids can be taught to do some chores and develop some evening routines while you're gone.

 

 I know having debt is stressful, but declaring bankruptcy is also very stressful. 

Best wishes- you sound very stressed. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I will just tell you the one thing I have learned this past year:

 

We are not machines.

 

Everybody looks at a mother and says, "Sure, she's pulling her weight, but an extra dozen bushels of responsibility will probably still fit on her shoulders. Whether it's true or not is a moot point -- we don't want to carry it, and nobody cares as much as she does, anyhow. Pile it on! And by the way, she shouldn't be allowed to sleep!"

 

And we take it. We stagger under the weight because it's true that we care more than anyone else.

 

 

[displace]

This may not apply to you, but I would recommend looking at drastic ways to reduce spending if you have not already. Sometimes this can be enough to be the difference for a part time job. Extra expenses could be: extracurriculars, changing home environment settings (heat and a/c, using less hot water and more cold for cleaning), less or no eating out, minimizing or eliminating TV/cable/netflix, etc, buying items used, more vegetarian meals, etc.

 

Maybe older kids could find part time summer jobs within biking distance for spending $ (or their extracurriculars they may want to keep): pet sitting, babysitting, yard work, pool work, craft selling on etsy, whatever.

 

For you to work at home, look into computer positions obviously. If you do crafts maybe see if they can translate into a business or high end product selling from home. Long commutes eat into profits significantly. Most people only calculate the gas prices, but wear and tear on vehicles is easily $.50-$1 per MILE. That's a lot and tends to crop up in replacing tires, oil, big parts on vehicles more often than you otherwise would. It's hard to judge that as a lot of people think "I'd have to replace the tires anyway", but it really does make a difference. If you had to pay $30 to go 30 miles one way, then $30 again to get back home, that's a ton of money each day!

 

Maybe have a sit down with the kids and explain a bit about finances, schooling, stress, etc. they may sense things are difficult but not really understand how to help. They may offer to relieve a lot of your burden of you're heartfelt with them. I'm sorry about your DH's health. If it's significant you may consider life insurance to cover your family in a worse case scenario. I know that may not be anywhere close to an option but I thought I'd mention it JIC.

[catz]

I would quit this week unless DH started getting kids in bed.  This is just horrible for everyone.  Or I'd be enrolling my kids in school for fall.   Then I'd make it a goal to be in bed trying to sleep by 11:30 if I were arriving home close to 11.  Your older at home kids are at the age where they could and should definitely be taking some responsibility for meals.  They are also at the age where I'd expect they'd be able to do some of their school work independently in the morning.  I'd dedicate a few hours on the weekends to some batch cooking for the week as well.  That situation sounds completely untenable.   

 

If you started changing some things one at a time, it will be hard initially but in 2-3 weeks you will set a habit.  Know your kid's currency in terms of what privileges to remove if they don't do what they need to do and make your expectations clear.  Once you have a bedtime set, set a school time.  If you can be sleeping by midnight, getting up at 8, 8-9 for breakfast, dressing, and start school at 9 am.  Then as a parent, my goal would be to be done by noon.  Kids do independent work/quiet time after that.  You get a break and a little time to make a meal after that.  That's what I'd be looking at.

 

Extracurriculars would be the least of my worries.  If DH were home at night with the kids, I'd be encouraging him to take them out to run around.   Honestly, if monetarily we had to keep doing something like this, I'd be looking at schools. 

[G5052]

I've been an evening college professor (among other things) for 15+ years now.  Very early on I laid down the law that the kids were not to wait up for me and that DH had to have them in bed at reasonable hour.  

 

As they became teens, they became responsible for going down at a reasonable hour and not waiting for me unless they had a school-related deadline.  If Dad is busy and forgets, they are responsible for their nighttime routine.

 

And I require that the kitchen be cleaned up completely when I come home so that all I have to do is shower and go to bed.  My DC have also always done their share of chores which have increased over the years.

 

You also need to consider how to move your children towards independence in their schooling so that they can get started with their work without you if you are tied up with house matters and/or are tired.  Part of this of course involves curriculum decisions.  I pretty much followed what Susan Wise Bauer outlined in her presentation that you can get from Peace Hill Press.  For example, around 4th grade I have them check their everyday math homework.  By high school they are filling out their own weekly planners.  I also phased out of doing subjects together at about 7th grade, partially to reduce my workload but also to get them used to driving their own studies.  Now in 10th and 12th grade, I'm only grading tests, reading papers, and serving as a general advisor on their studies.

 

Just some ideas from another working mama!  This year I've been working full-time, some away and some at home.  It's been crazy at times, but we're nearly done with the school year.  

[HS Mom in NC]

Do your children do daily and weekly household chores?  They're all old enough to. List every daily chore, divide them as equitably as possible and assign them publicly for the month or longer in your case if you decide to keep working. Do the same with weekly and bi-weekly chores and assign a week day for each to be completed.  You need your weekends to rest and recharge. Neurotypical  6 years old should be able to unload dishwashers, vacuum, sweep, mop, scrub bathrooms hand wash dishes, etc. Let a young one partner up with an older and have the older work with them on harder chores 2-3 times so they know how.  Then make a checklist for complicated jobs like cleaning the bathroom and put it in a clear, plastic cover.  Hand the kid a dry or wet erase marker and send them into clean the bathroom. No excuses, no lee way.  Either it's done correctly or it's done over until it's done correctly.

 

Make the Little Britches Series by Ralph Moody your next read aloud (if you can't do it, make the older 2 or 3 take turns reading it aloud to everyone) so no one whines about modern easy, piddly chores compared to the hard physical labor the children of yester year did. The whole series.

 

How much independent studies are each of the 10 and up crowd doing? Do your curriculum choices encourage this? Give them a checklist of assignments for the week so if you can't work with someone individually, they have other assignments to do while you're sleeping or teaching another kid. If there's absolutely nothing else they can do independently they can do chores or food prep. for the next meal.

 

What meals do your 12 and 13 year old and husband cook for the family? They should be able to do simple things fry/bake/slow cook meats (get a digital thermometer) boil and drain pasta, make raw vegetable salads, cook rice according to the directions, etc. Make sure they can each make 3 different meals (ones you usually make and like) and assign them different nights to cook. Make enough at dinner to have leftovers for lunch.

 

Everyone in your house can make sandwiches, oatmeal, cereal, etc. Start expecting them to.

 

Any kid not pulling their weight with school, chores and meals gets NO PRIVILEGES  until they cowboy up. No screen time, no playing with friends, no dessert, no free time, no free reading choices,  etc. They just do chores and school work until they're caught up if it takes all day and all night.

[ktgrok]

Husband can make dinner when he gets home at 5pm. They save you a portion for you to eat quickly on your own the next day, as your dinner, before you leave. 

[G5052]

Any kid not pulling their weight with school, chores and meals gets NO PRIVILEGES  until they cowboy up. No screen time, no playing with friends, no dessert, no free time, no free reading choices,  etc. They just do chores and school work until they're caught up if it takes all day and all night.

 

And expect that you need to keep on them this way.  It needs to be a FAMILY effort to keep this going.  We had a showdown last weekend over this sort of thing because we're all tired.  Household things weren't getting done because I've been tied up with end-of-semester tasks, and my DC have the May doldrums about nearly everything, particularly the 12th grader.

 

But we got the house and yard under control by working together, and this week went much, much better.

[MercyA]

I vote for quitting your job as soon as possible.  Huge  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: .

[Caribbean Queen]

Wake the children up early and make sure they get lots of exercise so they'll go to sleep early.

[Arcadia]

Your husband can get your kids to bed by 9pm or 10pm, whatever you decide. My husband lets our kids sleep late but I don't tolerate sleepy kids for outside Saturday morning classes so he helps me nag them to bed.

 

For your 13, 12 & 10 year old, maybe switch to more independent curriculum. Hay Fever wipe me out in January and April this year, worse than previous years. My kids just proceed as normal even when all I could do was grade their math.

 

Also let your 13 & 12 year do the dinner prep. Do you have a slow cooker? Lots of easy meals using a slow cooker. My boys can cook their own rice using rice cooker and make their own sandwiches or tortilla wraps for dinner. Makes my life easier since they are picky eaters.

[Ausmumof3]

I don't really have much useful to add just hugs. I don't mind my dh not helping because he earns all the $$$ but if I had to help with the earning I would expect him to at least be able to tell the kids it's time to get into bed and make sure they do it.

 

Also I have no idea how tough you have it but I tend to feel that any money I've saved by baking, mending etc is just as valuable as money earned plus you don't pay tax. So if there's any way you can save use it. It may need the kids to do some of the work too.

 

Hugs again, money worries are horrible. When we have plenty I feel like I can do everything but when it's tight life gets crazy.

[Danestress]

There is no 'right' way to divide work and home responsibilities. But in your case, I think I would be afraid to quit my job. I would worry that your DH is barely supporting you now, so what if his health gets worse? Part of me would want to work on my own ability to support the family.

 

My instinct is to say that it doesn't require heavy lifting to get kids the age of yours to bed. I would make it their responsibility, but would expect him to enforce it. I don't think someone able to perform basic life functions and even hold a job would be totally unable to do that.

[idnib]

I noticed a couple of things I haven't seen mentioned yet:

 

You said you often get to bed between 1-2 am and you're not ready for school until noon. It seems like you might be bleeding time in there. Even if you go to bed at 2 you could possibly be up by 9:30 and ready to teach by 10:30, including breakfast. I'm not criticizing, just pointing out a place you might be able to tighten up.

 

Does the 23-year old live nearby? Would he be willing to move back and help a bit with finances, housework, and schooling (when he's not working)  in exchange for a place to live?

 

As for what has been mentioned, I agree the kids need to be in bed by 9:00. And the 13 year old needs to make breakfast and dinner, assisted by the 12 year old in cooking and the 10 year old in other meal tasks.

 

Time for a family meeting about reality and how everyone needs to pitch in.

 

:grouphug:

 

[Garga]

It seems pretty obvious that getting the kids to bed, having the kids and dad cook dinner and do some chores, and tightening up your morning routine are the way to go.  Since it's pretty obvious, I'm wondering why you haven't thought of it yourself.  Is there more to the story?

 

Is it that teaching them to cook and clean will take a long time?  Because it will...but if you start now, within a month they'll have the basics down pretty well.  It might take a bit of time at the beginning to get everyone up to speed, but in a month or two it'll start to pay off.  You can create a plan of the basics for them now, letting them know that over time more will be added in until all the chores are accounted for.

 

I'm not sure how Dad could potentially work a second job, but can't do anything around the house.  What's different between a second job and cooking dinner or cleaning a room?  Is his work completely non-physical and he can't do anything physical?

[Seasider]

I don't have any advice on the future, but for the present, I would make a huge deal out of the kids being in bed by the time you come home.  A husband with health problems can still enforce bedtime.  Kids who are 13, 12 and 10 should be able to help him out with the 7 year olds.  Then you can get home, unwind and get into bed for your own health and sanity's sake.  

 

 

I agree. If you must, make it a discipline issue for the kids and issue consequences if they do not comply. DH may have health issues, but you will, too, if you keep up this (lack of) routine.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I work evenings, too, and the next day really spirals out of control and time is lost if dd doesn't complete the few things I leave on a checklist for her (not usually school work, but things to prep for the next day). My dh also works long hours and is tired when he gets home, and doesn't want to have to play bad cop. Making it easy by having a checklist and the rule that dd must be in bed before I get home has helped.  

[Ausmumof3]

I noticed a couple of things I haven't seen mentioned yet:

 

You said you often get to bed between 1-2 am and you're not ready for school until noon. It seems like you might be bleeding time in there. Even if you go to bed at 2 you should be up by 9:30 and ready to teach by 10:30, including breakfast. I'm not criticizing, just pointing out a place you might be able to tighten up.

 

Does the 23-year old live nearby? Would he be willing to move back and help a bit with finances, housework, and schooling (when he's not working) in exchange for a place to live?

 

As for what has been mentioned, I agree the kids need to be in bed by 9:00. And the 13 year old needs to make breakfast and dinner, assisted by the 12 year old in cooking and the 10 year old in other meal tasks.

 

Time for a family meeting about reality and how everyone needs to pitch in.

 

:grouphug:

Recommended sleep is 7-9 hours for adults... If you are on the 9 hour end which is not really something you can control then that means 11ish. 1 hour morning routine and that's 12.

 

Cutting short sleep will give short term gains but long term can cause problems.

[Garga]

Recommended sleep is 7-9 hours for adults... If you are on the 9 hour end which is not really something you can control then that means 11ish. 1 hour morning routine and that's 12.

 

Cutting short sleep will give short term gains but long term can cause problems.

But if the kids are in bed and she has a strong bedtime routine (with jammies laid out and stuff like that), she could get home at 11:30 and be in bed by 12. 12-9 is 9 hours of sleep. 9-10 for the morning routine and school can start at 10 or 10:30.

 

The only way this will work is if the kids work as well. If the kids are weights holding her back, I can see why this isn't working. Kids make everything take twice a long if they're not actually helping. And it can take a long time to teach kids enough to make their help actually helpful.

 

I think if the OPs standards for cleanliess are lowered ('cause kids are doing the work), and the meals are very simple, and the kids get into bed at by 10:30 (so they're not up at the crack of dawn waking the OP), and she has super strong routines and self-discipline during the work week,this can be done. It sounds pretty grueling, but it can be done.

 

OP, how long do you need to maintain working to pay down the debt enough? Is there an end in sight?

[Guest]

You said you haven't paid off as much debt as you like. Do you have a written budget?? How long do you need to work to meet your goal? One year, ten years??

 

Hugs, btw. I'd be terribly pissed of if my DH didn't step up and take care of basic childcare. I'd probably have a big "come to Jesus" meeting with the whole family. You can't do it all!!

[Garga]

This is not what was said, though. Someone implied that sleeping from 2am-9:30 was adequate sleep. That's less than 8hrs and not including eating/getting dressed probably. I agree in bed at 11:30 or 12 is ideal.

Ah, I see. Gotcha.

[3and3]

Don't focus energy being frustrated that dh is not changing his habits to improve the situation because it may be he never will. Make a conscious decision to accept or not accept and move on to focusing on how the dc can learn to be responsible and help your whole family function as a unit.

This what I am trying to do right now. I just have to accept that the children and household responsibilities are all on me. My husband works hard and he is doing what he can to support us. He has good intensions but he has no energy to nag kids after working all day. I think that's why he wants to get another job and bring me back home. While I understand because I spend all day with them I don't see how in the world he would be able to sustain a 2nd job!

 

My dds both help out some but really need to do more! The now 14 yo cleans the kitchen every night and helps dh with bedtime routine for 7yos. 12 dd helps with dinner and does breakfast most mornings. 10 yo takes care of trash and dining room clean up most days. But it takes a lot of nagging!

 

I have had the TALK several times with dh and dc about adding chores and them doing more but it works for a short time then things go back to the old ways. I am currently working on new chore charts. The 14 yo does most of her schoolwork independently as long as lesson plans are done. 12 can do somethings by herself. 10 yo has LDs so I have to sit with him most of the time, 7yo still need me too they are still learning to read.

 

Financially we are still struggling every time I think we are getting closer to the goal of being debt free something goes wrong DW goes up, van repairs, medical expenses, dd needs clothes or health ins goes up. We qualify for food stamps but my husband won't swallow his pride and let me apply for them. Not sure if we would be able to get medical assistance. Maybe for the kids but not for us.

 

I am trying in my spare time to make up a budget and have a goal in mind. So that I have an idea of how much longer I have to work. KWIM. Unfortunately, even after debt is paid off I will probably still have to do something because everything keeps going up. And we are going to have a newer van soon :(

[idnib]

This is not what was said, though. Someone implied that sleeping from 2am-9:30 was adequate sleep. That's less than 8hrs and not including eating/getting dressed probably. I agree in bed at 11:30 or 12 is ideal.

 

That was me. I agree some people's ideal amount of sleep is greater than 7.5 hours. I was just suggesting it as an idea. I was under the impression this is a temporary situation and perhaps it could be done. If OP really can't function on 7.5 hours, it's a moot point. But we don't know. I'll edit my post to say "could" instead of "should."

[Jean in Newcastle]

Instead of just the stick, perhaps you could try the carrot for the kids.  Ie. if they do abc (get in bed on time, load the dishwasher etc.) then they will get xyz (some screen time, an ice cream out of the freezer etc.)  

[Lisa R.]

Something has to give. You are in a situation where:

You will not use the public school

Your kids do not fully cooperate with your rules regarding meals, cleanup, and bedtime when you are working

Your DH will not supervise kids while you are working

Your DH will not file for foodstamps for which you qualify

You need more income but don't think DH working an extra job will come to fruition

 

You can:

Put your kids in public school

Continue to train kids

Insist your husband participate in household responsibilities when you are gone

Apply for Food stamps

DH gets second job

 

Honestly, it may need to be a three out of the five choices. I feel feel for you as you are shouldering most of the responsibilities and decision making on your own. I'd encourage you to rethink the things you say you can't change. Maybe talking out some of those issues in a separate thread would help you sort through this.

 

If you had to pick ONE thing in that list above, what would it be?

If you had to pick TWO things on that list, what would it be?

[Garga]

This what I am trying to do right now. I just have to accept that the children and household responsibilities are all on me. My husband works hard and he is doing what he can to support us. He has good intensions but he has no energy to nag kids after working all day. I think that's why he wants to get another job and bring me back home. While I understand because I spend all day with them I don't see how in the world he would be able to sustain a 2nd job!

 

My dds both help out some but really need to do more! The now 14 yo cleans the kitchen every night and helps dh with bedtime routine for 7yos. 12 dd helps with dinner and does breakfast most mornings. 10 yo takes care of trash and dining room clean up most days. But it takes a lot of nagging!

 

I have had the TALK several times with dh and dc about adding chores and them doing more but it works for a short time then things go back to the old ways. I am currently working on new chore charts. The 14 yo does most of her schoolwork independently as long as lesson plans are done. 12 can do somethings by herself. 10 yo has LDs so I have to sit with him most of the time, 7yo still need me too they are still learning to read.

 

Financially we are still struggling every time I think we are getting closer to the goal of being debt free something goes wrong DW goes up, van repairs, medical expenses, dd needs clothes or health ins goes up. We qualify for food stamps but my husband won't swallow his pride and let me apply for them. Not sure if we would be able to get medical assistance. Maybe for the kids but not for us.

 

I am trying in my spare time to make up a budget and have a goal in mind. So that I have an idea of how much longer I have to work. KWIM. Unfortunately, even after debt is paid off I will probably still have to do something because everything keeps going up. And we are going to have a newer van soon :(

 

 

:grouphug:

[Joanne]

Please know this post is coming from a single mom who holds 2 full time jobs plus. Even when I was married, "help" was short lived and existed for a brief time in my 2nd marriage.

 

From a practical standpoint, you can't quit. You won't be able to meet expenses, let alone pay off bills. You are also looking at having to pay for 2 new (to you) cars in the short or intermediate future.

 

I would also make plans assuming DH won't 1) change his supervision habits 2) get a second job. Assuming that an ultimatum is not an option for you (a real one, not one designed to get him to see how serious this is.) We/you can debate all day on what he "should" do, but he won't - he's already shown that. So, make your "making life manageable plans" around what his is or isn't doing.

 

Also, your budget has leaks. I know because you haven't used your income for the reasons you began getting the income. Those leaks won't be fixed unless you fix them.

 

The hours you work would be considered "dream" hours for many homeschooling parents seeking additional income.

 

When I was working really, really bad hours in multiple low level jobs, I had to reframe it all. For the worst job (cleaning an office building), I sent prayer, light, love, positive thought into every space I cleaned. I sent "good thoughts" and prayers to each family picture, inspirational saying, to do stack I saw. Thinking of it as "blessing" the people who didn't know me was the only way to survive without crying constantly, every night.

Even now, I use this job (at a psychiatric emergency room) as a break from my other job (at a school) and the school as a break from this job. Boy do I hope someday I can quit working 2-4 jobs, but until I can, I find ways to make them work.

 

Your kids are old enough and your hours limited enough that it is workable, but it will take a complete mental reframe.

 

 

ETA: While I agree with structure, rules, expectations, and chores of the kids, I think "you" need to be very careful expecting them to make up for the areas in which DH is lacking. This is a recipe for resentment and anger.

 

[Anne in CA]

 I had a thought today. I used to know someone changed the pass code for the internet every time he went to work (single home schooling dad with a 14yo dd). When the 14yo could prove to him that she had done her school work for the day (she emailed it to him at work) he would give her the pass code and she could have the internet. 

 

Could you do something similar where you get a small lock box, lock up the remote control for the TV/ game systems and change the internet password so that they are motivated to get to bed on time? If they do well then they can use those things at appropriate times when you are not at work. But if they are using your time at work to over indulge in media, you could probably put a stop to it with a little creativity.

 

As far as the kids doing better with chores for a very short time after you work with them, I think that's common. Changes and habits are hard to make. You probably will have to ride them until they have internalized the changes. That could take weeks/ months/ years, but it is worth doing. 

[kiwik]

Good luck. Your husband needs to swallow is pride about the food stamps. Perhaps if your kids are still up when you get home you could make them get up and clean at 5am on weekend mornings. I don't know but the need to be in their rooms and quiet when you walk in the door. I am not in favour of kids being responsible for meals but their is no reason one of the older ones couldn't help with meal prep.

[ktgrok]

Agreed about the food stamps. If you got those you'd be able to put a large chunk of your grocery budget towards debt. Your husband has paid into the system for many years, this is just getting back the money he paid in.

[Scarlett]

I would apply fo food stamps no matter what my dh said. That sort of false pride is just something I can't deal with. I would also file for bancruptcy before I would continue on like you are.

 

I would have a very serious conversation with my children about their share of the responsibility to help run the household. Frame it not as them taking up dads slack but rather helping out the family because mom needs to work for a while. And point out they should have learned some of this already.....even if you quit they need to step up---your job to train them.

 

If that didn't work VERY QUICKLY I would be quitting, filing for food stamps and any other help you are eligible for and filing for bancruptcy so that you can survive on your dhs one income.

 

I will say that some husbands will provide up to the point they are required. Meaning if you kill yourself getting a job outside the home he will let you. If you quit and tell him you can't do it and he will have to figure it out.....then he will.

 

Your kids will only be in your care for a short while. I think you will not regret doing what you have to do to be with them.

[Katy]

Honestly if things were that dire I'd put kids in school, apply for free breakfasts & lunches for them, food stamps for all of us, find a full time job during the day, use my income to get out of debt, and probably issue a real ultimatum to DH.  Present circumstances are not acceptable.  And I would want HIM to do something, because it's not your older kid's jobs to be parents.

 

I watched my mom work herself into a bad case of pneumonia when I was a kid...  she was doing too much and something finally had to give- it was her health.  She ended up in bed for six weeks.

[Scarlett]

Do you qualify for Snap even when you are working?