PollyOR Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Informal poll. Opinions appreciated. It has been my observation that once a couple has reached a certain level of intimacy there is no going back. No reverse. No rewind. Try as they might, they will find themselves back at the highest level previously experienced ... eventually. Respectful 16yo young man believes otherwise. He is absolutely convinced. What do you think? Can a couple go back to sitting in the stands holding hands? (comparing to bases in a game) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Yes. I've seen it. But it is unusual. I think it takes a very deliberate intention backed up by "safeguards." Not that you asked, but... If I were to have a conversation WRT this topic with someone to whom it applied, I would ask, "Ok, so what is your motivation for going 'backward,' and what are your strategies for ensuring you will not return to where you were?" For one couple I know, the motivation was spiritual (and that, for them, was powerful), but it was not enough without specific strategies. They decided on several "safeguards." One was not staying out past a certain hour (because it was harder to resist what they saw as temptation when they were tired), and another was a rule about no bare skin touching. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I think part of the problem is that our bodies get used to certain switches being turned on in certain orders. I find myself reminded of Ray in Everybody Loves Raymond saying "you've activated the launch sequence now!" http://raymond.wikia.com/wiki/All_I_Want_for_Christmas Can you back up? Yes, but you have to be careful that you don't accidentally activate the launch sequence because once activated it's just that much harder. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 The couple could but (in my experience) probably won't want to. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Informal poll. Opinions appreciated. It has been my observation that once a couple has reached a certain level of intimacy there is no going back. No reverse. No rewind. Try as they might, they will find themselves back at the highest level previously experienced ... eventually. Respectful 16yo young man believes otherwise. He is absolutely convinced. What do you think? Can a couple go back to sitting in the stands holding hands? (comparing to bases in a game) Almost never. There are rare people who have a religious experience or something significant that makes them do an about-face. But that's rather rare. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Sure. Why wouldn't it be possible? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Possible? Yes, of course. Probable? Mmmmmm . . . . my cynical/practical/physical experience says no. Unfortunately (or not, depending how you view this sort of thing), those biological urges are natural, very appealing, and STRONG, so reprogramming a previously physical relationship will require more than a grit-your-teeth, white-knuckle approach to abstinence. I like Chris in VA's comments regarding motivation and safeguards. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Of course it's possible. It's unlikely, though, given the nature of the teenage body. Once you've "gone there", it is easier to go there. And with a bio-physiology that desires physical intimacy, it is very difficult. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I've known people who have. Several couples, actually. It requires hard work, a *mutual* agreement that they don't want to "go there" again, and making sure they stay within boundaries they agree on that won't lead back down that path. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Nothing is impossible, but it's not very likely. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Yes. I think it is harder to stop going forward once a particular point is reached in getting excited because the excitement unleashes a cascade of internal chemicals and impulses and it turns off brain ability to put on the brakes. But if a decision is made to stay at a very low level of intimacy--holding hands in the stands as you put it. Yes. The brain can still function at that level for most people, even hormonal teens. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I think it depends on whether or not the physical attraction is still there. I think it's very possible to go from being boyfriend and girlfriend to "just friends" if they are no longer attracted to each other, but much more difficult to remain boyfriend and girlfriend and ignore the physical attraction. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I appreciate all of you taking the time to share your thoughts. That is one thing I love about this board, you help me see things in a new light. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Yes, of course. If a girl says "I don't want that anymore, back to rubbing noses", the guy has a choice to accept it or leave. Exact same if gender is reversed. I think there are lots of teens who would choose to leave, but it's not because it's not possible. It's because they're not interested / motivated / willing. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I think that people can "lose" that "feeling" over time. That sort of attraction is a very hard thing to formulate and say it will/ can or won't/can't happen in the future. If the attraction is there on both sides I don't see going back to less physical interaction. If the attraction has faded on one or both sides then absolutely two people can go backward. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Yes, it's possible. I've seen young couples do it. I know a few young couples who have done it as well. But it does take a lot of effort and want-to on both sides. Easier to set the boundaries before you step over them than to step back once you have overstepped. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I doubt it. If it's just a generic moral "shouldn't," physiology will override that. If it's a religious conviction they'd either get married or break up or put up huge safeguards to never be alone again if they both actually have that convicition and aren't just going along with it for the sake of their parents. Either way, I would stop talking about "shouldn't" and start talking about choices and responsibility... For example, making this choice isn't just about obeying your parents or your religion, it's about health and babies and babies don't deserve to be created just because you were too immature to make responsible choices. If you make that choice there needs to be multiple methods of birth control. What if multiple methods of birth control fail and you become pregnant? Are you ready to put your whole life aside, stop making selfish choices, and make a baby one of the biggest priorities in your life? Or are you ready to give a baby up for adoption? FWIW, I haven't had any secular friends have an unplanned, unmarried pregnancy past the age of 16, but about 25% of my "Christian" friends have gotten pregnant before marriage. I think it's because while they still chose to have sex, they refused to choose to be responsible about it because that would be planning to sin. It's a giant loophole, and we chose to address it by saying it would be a bigger sin to hurt themselves and a potential baby by refusing to be responsible. Tangentially, both genders should understand all about bodies and cycles and birth control. I've known men who were lied to and told they were the fathers and the pregnancy was six weeks along when they'd only had sex five days ago. I've also known a man over 30 who was told his girlfriends had to get a D&C after a misscarriage when the girl was only 4 and a half weeks pregnant. He didn't realize the reason the girl was hospitalized was due to complications of an abortion, and planned to marry this girl anyway, despite the fact that that was only one of several extremely obvious lies she had told him that would have been common sense if he'd understood nything at all about birth control or pregnancy. If he'd ever been told anything except "don't have sex" he would have seen through her. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Possible but improbable. I did know one couple that abstained for a year after having a religious experience, waiting until the wedding night to re-start, but it was very challenging for both of them and caused many arguments. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I think this is one of those things you just cannot understand until you have more experience. You can be a very rational person but not have experienced how quickly one can go from sitting on the sidelines holding hands to rounding third to home and you're just not going to possibly understand how strong those hormones are. One of the strongest memories I have from my early "baseball" experiences were being surprised by how quickly things could go from a goodnight kiss to panicking because a condom broke. It probably took me more than two adult relationships to understand that. If rationality could completely control hormones humans would probably be extinct. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 FWIW, I haven't had any secular friends have an unplanned, unmarried pregnancy past the age of 16, but about 25% of my "Christian" friends have gotten pregnant before marriage. I think it's because while they still chose to have sex, they refused to choose to be responsible about it because that would be planning to sin. It's a giant loophole, and we chose to address it by saying it would be a bigger sin to hurt themselves and a potential baby by refusing to be responsible. Somehow I missed this post, but YES. YES. YES. It's like the guy I knew in college who REFUSED to walk to the bar because that would imply he was planning to get fitshaced. So he always ended up with people having to argue him out of driving home (and once with a DUI) because he just wouldn't admit that he needed to plan alternate transportation. Would the alternative of not getting drunk have been better? Sure. Absolutely. Was he going to do that? No. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I think that people can "lose" that "feeling" over time. That sort of attraction is a very hard thing to formulate and say it will/ can or won't/can't happen in the future. If the attraction is there on both sides I don't see going back to less physical interaction. If the attraction has faded on one or both sides then absolutely two people can go backward. A few couples I know who went all the way and then made the choice not to ended up getting married without having sex between making that decision and the wedding night and have remained married up to 20 years so far so I'm guessing attraction hadn't faded. Safeguards were put in place in every case to make sure they did not end up in a situation that would lead to sex again. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I know a couple who is doing this now (going back a step). They do this due to religious convictions. They have safeguards--such as never being alone in a room, etc. If there weren't religious convictions then this would be a lot more difficult to do, though it's difficult enough with them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 DH (my then boyfriend) and I had been together for two years when I became a Christian and "cut him off." It was tough, but we married a year later. My parents couldn't understand why we moved the wedding up by three months and I wasn't about to tell them why. DH wasn't happy about my decision, but stayed with me. It would've been much easier to avoid pre-marital sex than to stop doing it until marriage. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I should add that we never had the safeguards other people suggested, which made things much more difficult than they needed to be. There are many much less foolish ways to accomplish the goal than we had. I think we did just about everything wrong. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Possible, but not probable unless something life changing happens. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lispy Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I am sure it is possible, but I think it would be very unlikely. Sort of like once you've been there, the "deed" is done, not doing it again doesn't undo it, so why bother not. I think even post-teen hormones this would be difficult. I know lots of instances where couples break up even, and then see each other and......... not because they wanted to or because they thought about getting back together.....it just....happens. It probably depends a lot on the reasons for stepping back. "And how many safeguards" you are willing to put in place. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I have known 16 year old males convinced they could ride a motorcycle on the first try. Sure, it's possible. I wouldn't trust that couple as far as I could throw them. He just thinks he can control everything because he is full to the brim with testosterone. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Some posts have left me nodding my head in agreement, after reading others I've thought, "Hmm, I would have never thought of that," and a few have even made me laugh which I would not have expected from such a serious topic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 FWIW, I haven't had any secular friends have an unplanned, unmarried pregnancy past the age of 16, but about 25% of my "Christian" friends have gotten pregnant before marriage. I think it's because while they still chose to have sex, they refused to choose to be responsible about it because that would be planning to sin. It's a giant loophole, and we chose to address it by saying it would be a bigger sin to hurt themselves and a potential baby by refusing to be responsible. No unplanned, unmarried pregnancies among secular friends "that you know of," right? I mean, they wouldn't necessarily tell you if that happened. Nor would it be certain that they were all responsible. It just might appear that way. I do think for this to work there needs to be an effort to reduce opportunities for temptation. The Near Occasion of Sin, as it used to be called. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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