In2why Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Putting this on the boards because there really isn't anywhere else. My family is all coming to it with their own baggage and my best friend has some too. My biological father died Friday. I am confused that I even care and I am confused about what I am feeling. He and my Mother were 16 when I was born and he never acknowledged me. His mother was actually horrible to my mother and insisted I wasn't his at all. In 1967 DNA tests didn't exist and they went their separate ways. My Dad married my mother when I was 6 and he was a great father and I never considered him my Step at all. He was just Daddy, but I was always curious about my bio father. When I was 27 I contacted him by letter and basically said I was the daughter of (mothers name) and that if he had any desire to contact me he could write me. Instead of writing he called.....We talked forever, he acknowledged that I was his child, told his kids about me, and we met. For about a month he called regularly, and I even met my sister who was close to my age. After a couple of months he stopped calling or returning my calls. We really didn't have anything in common and I had a Dad. I also lost contact with the sister and that was okay because we were in complete different places in our lives. I had kids and a family and she was in college and single. I moved on and life got busy. Then a couple of years ago the same sister and another found me and we now have a relationship, the 3 of us and it is decent but I still feel a bit like I am walking on eggshells. Especially with the youngest sister because we aren't as close and she was raised by the bio dad and myself and the older sister were not. So fast forward to Saturday. I wake up and check Facebook to see a post by the younger sister that heaven got a new Angel in heaven and that her father died. I didn't even know he was sick. I guess it happened really fast because he had lung cancer and the older sister said she only found out a couple of weeks ago. So part of me is joking that wow I have a sperm donor and all I got was a lousy genetic component for lung cancer. (Not out loud, but in my head) Another part is sad because a door is shut and I don't even know if I ever even wanted it open. How do you forgive someone who never asked for forgiveness? I am angry and hurt that I wasn't even told, but can't really whine about it because after all they just lost their father and it is pretty narcissistic to consider myself in the middle of that. I am also feeling rejected again.....first at birth, then after we met, and last but not least when he died and when he knew he was dying. I mentioned to my Mom that he died and it is clear that I shouldn't feel anything so far as my family is concerned. Because I was lucky to have the Dad I did have.....I even wondered what my Dad would say to him if they met in heaven and I kinda hoped he punched him in the nose on my behalf. Real mature right? It is hard to talk to my husband because his Dad is terminal right now and all of his emotions are busy right now, and my best friend is part of the adoption triad so she comes to it from her experiences as a birth parent. So I am a mess. But I am not even sure why I am a mess. I even feel strange having these feelings because I am always the even keeled got it together person who just deals with stuff head on. Normally I would tell the sisters my feelings are hurt, but feel like I can't add on to their grief and stress. I guess I am just venting and need a sounding board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violamama Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 :grouphug: Sorry I don't have more to add. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Hugs, hugs, hugs. You feel like a mess because it's a messy complicated situation. It's ok to feel that way. Life is messy. More hugs, and prayers for peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TianXiaXueXiao Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Saying a prayer for you. I so understand. My biological father died a couple years ago from lung cancer. I never met him. My siblings (older but full blood) had a strained but existent relationship with him until he died. I had my dad (step) who raised me from age 5 and was the model father. My daddy. He died when I was still a teenager and I miss him everyday. The death of my bio father brought a lot of rejection pain to the surface but it didn't last long. Don't feel guilty or bad for your sorrow. It is part of your story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndOfOrdinary Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Contrary to the message our society tends to portray, we all have a right to lose it every once in a while. We get a personal crisis that we do not even know how to explain. We get to be completely illogical in our feelings. We get to be blubbering basket cases if we feel like it. It is human. It is why grace exists. If we were all perfectly lovely all the time no one would have to forgive or be graceful at all! So lose it, sister. This is as great a reason as one could find. Do not feel the need to be apologetic, though it is obvious you are not lashing out maliciously. Fwiw: my son was a three forms of birth control baby. Bio dad (and I think of him as SpermDonor as well ;) ) chose not to be involved. I mean he tried a bit, but we were barely twenty. No hard feeling. No issues. Actual Dad came on the scene when my son was less than a year old and took on Dad rights when Ds was about two. He is the only Dad my son has ever known. I am sure that at some point Ds will have to grapple with all that you are feeling as well. You are not alone. Such things go back as far as we have records for. Explore where you might have chosen to always be more logical than emotional. In the end, my son never knew his SpermDonor, but he laughs like him. He scrunches up his face like him. He has the same sense of humor and cutting wit. The same propensity for languages. Your SpermDonor was part of you whether you knew him much or not. You are more than allowed to grieve even if no one else really gets it. I promise that I get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 No advice from here really, but I agree that what you are feeling seems to me like it would be normal for anyone in your situation. That knowledge, of course, does not make it any easier I'm sure. Your Bio dad is half of you genetically. He may have had a negligible part of the true "dad" job, but the genetics are there and I think whenever we lose any part of our lives (relationship, biological, or other) it hits us as it's a major change mentally. I also think it could be a good excuse to indulge in chocolate or whatever comfort food you enjoy. And it's a good reason to tell people who you don't care to smoke or be around smoke! But as your mind processes the feelings - :grouphug: - and your Hive family is here to be a listening ear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 I have seen three different relatives go through very similar situations. The hurt is very real. I am sorry for your loss both of your bio father and lack of contact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: No words of wisdom here, but lots of sympathy and empathy. I'm sorry for the loss of what-might-have-been. That would be so very hard. I hope that you can give yourself permission to grieve, and to be angry and sad, and hurt. And I hope, too, that your relationship with your bio siblings will grow, and become something of great value in your life. These things are so complicated. I'm part of the adoption triad as well, and am getting glimpses into the other sides of it that make my heart ache in new ways. It's just not easy. That second rejection that you referenced ... It is so real, and so deeply painful. I want to reach through the computer and hug you. I think you did a great job articulating such complex, painful feelings. Hugs to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Wow, that is a lot for one person to process. Be kind to yourself!! Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 With his death, you no longer have any hope that someday you might have a real relationship with him. That may be one reason why you feel so terrible. It sounds normal to me. Accept that you have these feelings, but don't make any big decisions based on them. If there's any chance you may want to have a relationship with your half-sisters in the future, then make sure you don't take out your anger on them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 He was your father. That does not mean the man who raised you was not your father. You have a right to grieve your bio father. I hope your family members can feel secure enough to let you acknowledge your grief (on several levels), but if they can't, know that you are still entitled to grieve. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Your feelings are valid. I've been a mess in less hurtful circumstances. Sending (((hugs))) your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Oh man, that is a lot of complicated feelings. Go ahead and wade through all of them until you find a new comfort zone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readwithem Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 I'm sorry you don't have a safe and welcoming place in your "real world" for you to grieve and mourn, but I'm glad you felt safe to process here when you don't have anyplace else to do it. Hugs and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistyMountain Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 It is hard to go something that hard especially when you don't feel like you can vent and share about it with anyone. I am sorry for your loss and the complicated and conflicted emotions you are feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: That is tough. You had some relationship but you also permanently lost the ability to have the relationship you might have wanted. So many complicated feelings AND everyone IRL that you might sort it out with has their own stuff. It *is* a loss. However, you are the one who is in crisis right now, so it's fair to ask your dh to process with you while giving him the ability to set a boundary if it becomes overwhelming given what he's dealing with. (Just as you will be there for him unless right at that moment you are overwhelmed by your loss. Be explicit: "Are you okay if I process some of this with you right now or do you need me to wait? Let me know if you start to feel like you are at capacity.") It's fair to ask your best friend if she can just process it from your point of view (she isn't grieving right now.) Tell her what you need. She is a big girl. She should be able to listen to your grief without injecting her own stuff, unless she's a birthmother who rolls like your birth father did, but I doubt that. I think you're right not to bring up the conflict with your sisters. But all your feelings are really normal to be having in your situation. It's messy. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Putting this on the boards because there really isn't anywhere else. My family is all coming to it with their own baggage and my best friend has some too. My biological father died Friday. I am confused that I even care and I am confused about what I am feeling. He and my Mother were 16 when I was born and he never acknowledged me. His mother was actually horrible to my mother and insisted I wasn't his at all. In 1967 DNA tests didn't exist and they went their separate ways. My Dad married my mother when I was 6 and he was a great father and I never considered him my Step at all. He was just Daddy, but I was always curious about my bio father. When I was 27 I contacted him by letter and basically said I was the daughter of (mothers name) and that if he had any desire to contact me he could write me. Instead of writing he called.....We talked forever, he acknowledged that I was his child, told his kids about me, and we met. For about a month he called regularly, and I even met my sister who was close to my age. After a couple of months he stopped calling or returning my calls. We really didn't have anything in common and I had a Dad. I also lost contact with the sister and that was okay because we were in complete different places in our lives. I had kids and a family and she was in college and single. I moved on and life got busy. Then a couple of years ago the same sister and another found me and we now have a relationship, the 3 of us and it is decent but I still feel a bit like I am walking on eggshells. Especially with the youngest sister because we aren't as close and she was raised by the bio dad and myself and the older sister were not. So fast forward to Saturday. I wake up and check Facebook to see a post by the younger sister that heaven got a new Angel in heaven and that her father died. I didn't even know he was sick. I guess it happened really fast because he had lung cancer and the older sister said she only found out a couple of weeks ago. So part of me is joking that wow I have a sperm donor and all I got was a lousy genetic component for lung cancer. (Not out loud, but in my head) Another part is sad because a door is shut and I don't even know if I ever even wanted it open. How do you forgive someone who never asked for forgiveness? I am angry and hurt that I wasn't even told, but can't really whine about it because after all they just lost their father and it is pretty narcissistic to consider myself in the middle of that. I am also feeling rejected again.....first at birth, then after we met, and last but not least when he died and when he knew he was dying. I mentioned to my Mom that he died and it is clear that I shouldn't feel anything so far as my family is concerned. Because I was lucky to have the Dad I did have.....I even wondered what my Dad would say to him if they met in heaven and I kinda hoped he punched him in the nose on my behalf. Real mature right? It is hard to talk to my husband because his Dad is terminal right now and all of his emotions are busy right now, and my best friend is part of the adoption triad so she comes to it from her experiences as a birth parent. So I am a mess. But I am not even sure why I am a mess. I even feel strange having these feelings because I am always the even keeled got it together person who just deals with stuff head on. Normally I would tell the sisters my feelings are hurt, but feel like I can't add on to their grief and stress. I guess I am just venting and need a sounding board. I'm so sorry. It is still a loss, even if you didn't see him. It bring back up old stuff you think is long in the past. Forgive for your sake, not his. It doesn't matter if he didn't ask for it. He may have been thinking of doing so, and suddenly was unable, for all you know. Forgive him anyway. Again, I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 I'm sorry. My niece is going through that. She had a very strained relationship with her father, not very much contact. When he died, she just "expected" to feel a certain way, and that didn't match what she was actually feeling. It was very hard to process. ((hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 I'm so sorry. You may have had a wonderful childhood, but you have every right to be upset about this. You've been cheated out of the relationship you should have had with him, and half of you is from him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 :grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanier.1765 Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I wish I could offer something more than hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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