For what would you kick out your adult child? (18+)

[maize]

Endangering other family members.

 

Any kind of abusive behavior towards family.

 

Blatant disregard for my values and the rules of my home. Once they are adults, they are free to choose their own path--but if that path is in stark contrast to the things I value it will not be pursued under my roof.

 

I sincerely hope none of this ever happens.

[Lady Florida.]

Before about age 24 or so, it would have to be really extreme. Not just drug use, but drug abuse without any counseling, for example. Violence toward members of the household or serious illegal behavior all without getting professional help.

 

After about age 24 or so, I would be more open to kicking an adult child out for refusing to work, refusing to go to college, not having a life plan in a consistent sort of way. In part because I would have been working nearly exclusively with them on doing those things in various ways and eventually there does have to be a consequence. I'd probably still end up doing the legwork of finding a way for that to happen - an apartment, a program, whatever...

 

This pretty much says it. I would not kick a younger (over 18 but under 24-25) adult out for an addiction to drugs or alcohol, or violent behavior towards family members, but if said person was unwilling to seek help for the problem I think I'd feel forced to hand out tough love. Still, it would have to be pretty extreme. Experimenting but not really using drugs wouldn't count. It wouldn't be condoned, but it also wouldn't be a reason for eviction.

 

For the older adult child, I also agree with Farrar. Get a job if you can (I know it's tough), and/or attend college classes with a plan, not just as a professional student. Also, contribute to household maintenance and upkeep. 

 

I speak from experience. Not about the addiction or violence issue, but with a young adult child living at home and floundering. Dss came back home at 22 after getting out of the Air Force. He had no real plan. We gave him time to figure out what he wanted to do, but while he lived with us with no job and no education plan, he became a baby sitter to his little brother (he's 20 years older than ds), and was extremely helpful around the house. There did come a time when dh had to sit him down and talk to him. It wasn't to kick him out, but to make it clear that he couldn't just be our unpaid nanny and housekeeper forever. Fortunately he realized this and began deciding what to do with his life. I don't know our next step would have been if he hadn't gone back to school.

[AmandaVT]

It would have to be pretty extreme. I'm not there yet, so I can't say with 100% certainty. 

 

I will say, my brother, his wife and their son live with my father. They moved in with him after college. It's an unorthodox arrangement, but it works well for them. My dad's house is big enough for all of them. My dad likes the company. Everyone chips in towards bills. They are all respectful towards each other (no late night parties or anything) and the arrangement works. Not what I chose for myself, but multi generational living isn't necessarily dysfunctional. 

 

My aunt lived with my grandparents for years. She paid weekly rent and helped out with groceries. I think she was in her mid 30's when she moved out for good. My mom moved in with my grandmother (grandfather had passed by this point) when she and my dad divorced. She couldn't afford rent, but helped out in other ways-  groceries, running errands for grandma, taking her to dr's appointments and sewing club, etc. 

 

I'm still trying to think of a circumstance in which I would kick DS out at 18. Drug addiction needs treatment, so I would do everything I could to get him some. (hard to think about that with a 6 yr old) I think some people just need a little more time to mature and it's not automatic at 18. One of my friends' son is living at home still, working a job at a convenience store and floundering a bit. He pays rent and one of the conditions of him staying there is seeing a career counselor to figure out his next steps. I think that's a much better option than "don't let the door hit you on your way out". 

[myfunnybunch]

Drug use.

Violence.

Verbal abuse to the point that it impacts minor children in the family.

Bringing random strangers home.

Stealing. (Significant theft, not for taking $5 from the fun money jar.)

 

This is not imaginary for me. While we did not deal with everything on that list, I had to offer my daughter a choice between changing her behavior or leaving our home. She chose to leave the day after her 18th birthday. My prayers for protection for her were answered in that it ended up working out beyond anything I could have guessed, given the circumstances.

 

We have a great relationship now. But I have told my daughter that she cannot live with us while I have minor children in the house. Her behavior was so out-of-control and extreme that it impacted the younger children significantly, and me because I was trying to shield them from most of it. I can be a much better support for her when she's not living with me.

 

Cat

[DawnM]

Thank you all for answering.

 

I will now share my opinion.

 

I am agreeing completely with those who say it would need to be very extreme.  I would even try to help if it were extreme as much as I am financially able to (pay for rehab, treatment, whatever).

 

My aunt and uncle had an out of control daughter.  I don't know all that happened, but she was in and out of rehab, residential treatment, etc.....they finally bought a trailer and some land and allowed her to live in it, with the deed in their name.    That same daughter passed away due to some of her issues, and they were heartsick, but that story reminds me that they did everything they possibly knew how and can rest in that knowledge.  There was no living on the streets or feeling that the parents didn't care.  She knew they loved her.

 

I want my children to always feel that we are there for them.  If they are going through a rough patch, they are welcome.  Yes, there are rules and they are expected to be followed, but I have one son with some severe depression at times and I would much rather him "leech" off of us (I don't view it this way but I know some do) even if he can't work for a season, or can't cope.  Thinking of him on the streets scares the snot out of me and I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing he had nowhere to go.

 

My other two neurotypical kids I couldn't imagine getting involved in drugs or alcohol.  I know anything is possible, but it would be highly unlikely.  If they hit a rough patch, they are welcome too!

 

Please don't think I pretend that everything is rosy, I know things can happen and my answer could change, but I do think often of what my aunt and uncle did for their wayward daughter and I think it was the best they could have done for her.

 

Dawn

[Joanne]

That sounds good, in theory.

Unless the symptoms of the "rough patch" include abuse, lying, destruction of property, being held functionally hostage trying to keep your home and other kids safe, not having a sanctuary of a home space while being a working single mom, depleted bank accounts, stolen money, pawned items.......

 

The *symptoms* of a "rough patch" can be pervasive and soul sucking. At SOME point, my right to some quality of life figures in; I am worthy of that - as worthy as the adult child is of all efforts being made to get them help and support.

 

 

f they are going through a rough patch, they are welcome.  Yes, there are rules and they are expected to be followed, but I have one son with some severe depression at times and I would much rather him "leech" off of us (I don't view it this way but I know some do) even if he can't work for a season, or can't cope.

[Reefgazer]

I can't say for sure, because all situations are different.  But I think a child who put other family members in danger or stole from other family members would be up there on the list for a potential boot.

[DawnM]

right, but did you read the rest of what I wrote?  I believe there are alternatives between "come live with us" and "you are kicked out, too bad, no support from us"

 

 

 

That sounds good, in theory.

Unless the symptoms of the "rough patch" include abuse, lying, destruction of property, being held functionally hostage trying to keep your home and other kids safe, not having a sanctuary of a home space while being a working single mom, depleted bank accounts, stolen money, pawned items.......

 

The *symptoms* of a "rough patch" can be pervasive and soul sucking. At SOME point, my right to some quality of life figures in; I am worthy of that - as worthy as the adult child is of all efforts being made to get them help and support.

 

 

f they are going through a rough patch, they are welcome.  Yes, there are rules and they are expected to be followed, but I have one son with some severe depression at times and I would much rather him "leech" off of us (I don't view it this way but I know some do) even if he can't work for a season, or can't cope.

 

 

[Joanne]

right, but did you read the rest of what I wrote?  I believe there are alternatives between "come live with us" and "you are kicked out, too bad, no support from us"

 

Hi, Dawn.

 

Yes, i read what you wrote. There are some situations that, as they play out, offer very narrow options.

 

I'm a bit.........frustrated right now. This and other current threads here carry an assumption that good parenting can prevent or fix all problems.

 

Totally not true.

 

A perfectly sane, functional family can have a radically acting out child. AND you can do everything right, try everything, and there are still situations that can't be amended.

[goldberry]

Yeah, my parents once had a trailer where my brother could live.  He basically destroyed it with drug paraphanalia (sp?) and filth.  When he finally abandoned it they just hauled it to the dump.  It is heartbreaking, and I have seen too much to judge decisions that go either way.

 

My parents eventually had a "no active drug use" policy that my brother honored.  When he was clean, he could come home, clean up, my mom would get him clothes from goodwill, etc, sleep in the spare room.  As soon as drugs got involved again, he had to leave.  (Even when using, he could come and my mom would buy him a bag of groceries.)  

 

Then I have a sister who has let my troubled niece move back home more times than I can count.  Niece had a baby who my sister and her husband love dearly.  It would be easy to say, "they shouldn't let her keep coming home"...but they didn't want to let this lovely little boy suffer for my niece's mistakes...

 

It is HARD HARD and there are no good answers.

[maize]

Just another thought: to me, determining at some point that it is no longer workable to have a particular child living under my roof would not equate to disowning and removing all parental support from that child. I will never disown my children, I will always be their mother and will love and support them in whatever way I can best determine.

 

But I can imagine circumstances under which that support could not reasonably and responsibly take the form of sharing my roof with them.

[DawnM]

I don't think that at all.  If you know what I have been through with my oldest, you wouldn't even assume that I think that.

 

But I do want to give him every opportunity I can and make no apology for that.

 

I can't fix him.  I don't pretend to think I can.

 

 

Hi, Dawn.

Yes, i read what you wrote. There are some situations that, as they play out, offer very narrow options.

 

I'm a bit.........frustrated right now. This and other current threads here carry an assumption that good parenting can prevent or fix all problems.

 

Totally not true.

 

A perfectly sane, functional family can have a radically acting out child. AND you can do everything right, try everything, and there are still situations that can't be amended.

 

[Farrar]

Hi, Dawn.

 

Yes, i read what you wrote. There are some situations that, as they play out, offer very narrow options.

 

I'm a bit.........frustrated right now. This and other current threads here carry an assumption that good parenting can prevent or fix all problems.

 

Totally not true.

 

A perfectly sane, functional family can have a radically acting out child. AND you can do everything right, try everything, and there are still situations that can't be amended.

 

I just want to say... I definitely don't think that. I strongly encouraged my parents to cut ties with my brother when he was out of control. And being a teacher showed me how sometimes poor parenting led to students with problems (or exacerbated those problems) but just as often, great parents had kids with big problems as well.

 

But I don't fully see how that connects with this conversation. As Katie/Lucy Stoner said above, there are assumptions being made on both sides about the situation - that the kid is probably to blame vs. that the parent is - but that both situations can exist. For me, the only point I really have is that unless the situation is extreme, I don't understand how parents can do this to a child. Parents who kick a child out for one broken curfew, a couple of instances of drinking, for being gay, to make room for a new boyfriend, because of an arbitrary birthday, etc. all make me really sad for that child and those parents. On the other hand, when a child is violent or out of control and parents have been working on it for a long time - sometimes for the child's whole life - then sometimes it is time to move a child out. Sometimes that's best for everyone. That just didn't seem to be the case from the OP here. And even if it was (because what do we know) it isn't the case every time.

[Jane in NC]

May I humbly ask some questions?

 

What is society's role in caring for a young adult who is incapable of normal assimilation (for lack of a better term)?  If a teen is violent, for example, or has addiction issues, that teen needs help.  Who is responsible for providing that help?  Family?  Community?

 

It seems that if a family walks away, someone must pick up the pieces.  I believe that some people hope by forcing their child, now a  young adult, to be independent, that the young adult will see the error of his ways. But obviously it is not always that easy. 

 

Where I live, people tend to say that families should be responsible for their own--not government. If government sponsored drug rehab programs are eliminated, for example, who helps these young adults?

 

Can we wash our hands of the situation?

 

[AimeeM]

18+?

Refusing to do ANYTHING productive. We're pretty lenient in that regard - we have no problem with our children living with us, even as young adults, so long as they are working or going to school. DH grew up in a multi-generational house (his parents and paternal grandparents), and it is just the way he was raised... BUT the able adults in the house worked full time. I believe his grandfather was a janitor, and his father has always owned a music shoppe and worked as a private music teacher. 

 

We actually HOPE that our children attend a local college, and live here while attending - it would cut costs all around, as well as give them a support system (financial and emotional) during their tough years. 

 

I would kick out over things that could hurt other family members - violence, drug use, etc... although, admittedly, I would first try very hard to find them help, before kicking them out (adults have to accept the help for themselves, though; unlike younger children, rarely can they be forced into it). I would kick out for being a lazy, entitled young adult who did nothing (no school, no work). 

 

I would also kick out for not biding by household rules. I can't imagine giving a young adult a curfew, but if they refused to not come loudly clamoring into the house at 2 am, waking up younger siblings, or bringing home opposite s*x guests, they would be out as well.

[Happy]

Thank you all for answering.

 

I will now share my opinion.

 

I am agreeing completely with those who say it would need to be very extreme.  I would even try to help if it were extreme as much as I am financially able to (pay for rehab, treatment, whatever).

 

My aunt and uncle had an out of control daughter.  I don't know all that happened, but she was in and out of rehab, residential treatment, etc.....they finally bought a trailer and some land and allowed her to live in it, with the deed in their name.    That same daughter passed away due to some of her issues, and they were heartsick, but that story reminds me that they did everything they possibly knew how and can rest in that knowledge.  There was no living on the streets or feeling that the parents didn't care.  She knew they loved her.

 

I want my children to always feel that we are there for them.  If they are going through a rough patch, they are welcome.  Yes, there are rules and they are expected to be followed, but I have one son with some severe depression at times and I would much rather him "leech" off of us (I don't view it this way but I know some do) even if he can't work for a season, or can't cope.  Thinking of him on the streets scares the snot out of me and I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing he had nowhere to go.

 

My other two neurotypical kids I couldn't imagine getting involved in drugs or alcohol.  I know anything is possible, but it would be highly unlikely.  If they hit a rough patch, they are welcome too!

 

Please don't think I pretend that everything is rosy, I know things can happen and my answer could change, but I do think often of what my aunt and uncle did for their wayward daughter and I think it was the best they could have done for her.

 

Dawn

 

Bolding mine...I'm not arguing, just clarifying...

 

My son's 'rough patch' lasted roughly five years, from nineteen to 24ish. The worst was not the six weeks he spent living in his car by a long shot, but that was something that hurt my heart. We were ALWAYS there for him. Dh even had an 800 # established so he could always call home--cell phones were not as common as now. Posted bail a couple of times. Paid for equipment and training for new jobs. Etc. Etc.

 

A darling friend of mine once told me to 'Keep them alive. Do what you have to keep them alive.' She had lost an adult child to a drug overdose, so she knew.. My husband and I worked so hard to help our son who wanted no HELP from anyone--just a handout. There's more, but always had to remember we had another child trying to grow up in our home as well.  Our oldest may not have lived in our home, but he was STILL our child and we wanted the very best possible for him.

 

 

[Elisabet1]

My daughter has slipped through getting help she needs. I have known about the bipolar disorder since she was 12/13 yrs old, and have never been able to get her any help at all. She recently started seeing a therapist now, but that therapist is a fail so she won't be going back. It took years on waiting lists to get daughter evaluated the first time. But then, no services were offered. It was up to me to work off a list from the insurance company to find someone. I would call, places would not return calls, or they would return calls and say they only take this age or that, never her age. She spent 3 years on waiting lists with both children's hospitals for help, but she aged out without ever getting help. Her original eval was through a children's hospital, but that did not move anything along. They do not take new patients over 16 yrs old, and even though she had been evaluated there, since it had been more than a year, she was considered new. It took years on the waiting lists to get evaluated. I had her re-evaluated last year, but only another diagnosis, same one. I tried calling again. Therapist don't return calls, or they only serve children or older adults. 

 

Even for Autism Spectrum Disorder there is nothing unless you can cash pay. My children have not been able to get any services for that since 2007. The Children's hospital used to have a place only maybe 45 minutes away, depending on traffic. So my son with Aspergers went there for a few things. But, they stopped offering those services there. So that is it. I just do everything myself. It is very defeating. I read on everything. And we have good health insurance! My insurance covers IVF and everything else. But no one where we live takes it. 

[LucyStoner]

Ages 18-22 or so?

 

Active addictions that were interfering with healthy home life for all of us. I wouldn't kick out a social drinker or a kid who came home high, but I would kick out someone who was using daily and refusing treatment options.

 

Ongoing criminal activity. This includes for example abuse of other family members or dealing drugs. Basically anything which poses a serious threat to the health and welfare of other household members.

 

Age 23+

 

Past traditional college age, I would want an able adult to leave the nest if they weren't making progress in life which hinged on living with us (say working and saving for a house or attending graduate school) or if it wasn't a mutually responsible co-living situation.

[LucyStoner]

Even for Autism Spectrum Disorder there is nothing unless you can cash pay. My children have not been able to get any services for that since 2007. The Children's hospital used to have a place only maybe 45 minutes away, depending on traffic. So my son with Aspergers went there for a few things. But, they stopped offering those services there. So that is it. I just do everything myself. It is very defeating.

It's not easy or what it should be, but your statement is thankfully not the case in all states.

 

We have been able to access various services for our son covered by our insurance starting just a month or two after his diagnosis at age 8 and some even before that under the PDD-NOS diagnosis code. That said, calling insurance companies and providers is like an actual PT and sometimes seemingly FT job so I do understand why so many go unserved. Seriously, the main reason I left my career is spelled A-U-T-I-S-M.

 

The law and insurance rules are changing too. Our insurance, as of like now, covers pretty much every generally accepted autism service. That wasn't the case several years ago. Better DD coverage was one of the main reasons my husband's employer switched their insurance company.

[DawnM]

This is a lot of the reason I stopped working too.  I also felt that he needed to be homeschooled (after being asked to leave a preschool and a Kindergarten.)

 

Our insurance is covering a LOT.  It covers 65% of therapy (it would cover a lot more but the therapist that is the most effective is out of network, so we are willing to pay.)  

 

It even covers 65% of his group therapy.

 

 

It's not easy or what it should be, but your statement is thankfully not the case in all states.

We have been able to access various services for our son covered by our insurance starting just a month or two after his diagnosis at age 8 and some even before that under the PDD-NOS diagnosis code. That said, calling insurance companies and providers is like an actual PT and sometimes seemingly FT job so I do understand why so many go unserved. Seriously, the main reason I left my career is spelled A-U-T-I-S-M.

The law and insurance rules are changing too. Our insurance, as of like now, covers pretty much every generally accepted autism service. That wasn't the case several years ago. Better DD coverage was one of the main reasons my husband's employer switched their insurance company.

 

[DawnM]

If you lived near me, I would have someone to recommend.  I only wish we had started sooner.

 

 

My daughter has slipped through getting help she needs. I have known about the bipolar disorder since she was 12/13 yrs old, and have never been able to get her any help at all. She recently started seeing a therapist now, but that therapist is a fail so she won't be going back. It took years on waiting lists to get daughter evaluated the first time. But then, no services were offered. It was up to me to work off a list from the insurance company to find someone. I would call, places would not return calls, or they would return calls and say they only take this age or that, never her age. She spent 3 years on waiting lists with both children's hospitals for help, but she aged out without ever getting help. Her original eval was through a children's hospital, but that did not move anything along. They do not take new patients over 16 yrs old, and even though she had been evaluated there, since it had been more than a year, she was considered new. It took years on the waiting lists to get evaluated. I had her re-evaluated last year, but only another diagnosis, same one. I tried calling again. Therapist don't return calls, or they only serve children or older adults. 

 

Even for Autism Spectrum Disorder there is nothing unless you can cash pay. My children have not been able to get any services for that since 2007. The Children's hospital used to have a place only maybe 45 minutes away, depending on traffic. So my son with Aspergers went there for a few things. But, they stopped offering those services there. So that is it. I just do everything myself. It is very defeating. I read on everything. And we have good health insurance! My insurance covers IVF and everything else. But no one where we live takes it. 

 

[goldberry]

My daughter has slipped through getting help she needs. I have known about the bipolar disorder since she was 12/13 yrs old, and have never been able to get her any help at all. She recently started seeing a therapist now, but that therapist is a fail so she won't be going back. It took years on waiting lists to get daughter evaluated the first time. But then, no services were offered. It was up to me to work off a list from the insurance company to find someone. I would call, places would not return calls, or they would return calls and say they only take this age or that, never her age. She spent 3 years on waiting lists with both children's hospitals for help, but she aged out without ever getting help. Her original eval was through a children's hospital, but that did not move anything along. They do not take new patients over 16 yrs old, and even though she had been evaluated there, since it had been more than a year, she was considered new. It took years on the waiting lists to get evaluated. I had her re-evaluated last year, but only another diagnosis, same one. I tried calling again. Therapist don't return calls, or they only serve children or older adults. 

 

Even for Autism Spectrum Disorder there is nothing unless you can cash pay. My children have not been able to get any services for that since 2007. The Children's hospital used to have a place only maybe 45 minutes away, depending on traffic. So my son with Aspergers went there for a few things. But, they stopped offering those services there. So that is it. I just do everything myself. It is very defeating. I read on everything. And we have good health insurance! My insurance covers IVF and everything else. But no one where we live takes it. 

 

I'm so sorry...   :grouphug:  

[swellmomma]

well oldest will turn 18 sept of his grade 12 year so he will still be home.  IT I based it on criminal behaviours or violence towards family I would have kicked him out years ago.  As it stands he will be given the opportunity to graduate high school.  From there it will depend on his frame of mind, adherence to his meds and behaviours.  If he has changed enough to be a decent human being he can live at home until after he graduates college.  If things continue in the fashion they currently are, he will find himself having a police escort out of my home the day after graduation.

[Joanne]

I don't think that at all.  If you know what I have been through with my oldest, you wouldn't even assume that I think that.

 

But I do want to give him every opportunity I can and make no apology for that.

 

I can't fix him.  I don't pretend to think I can.

 

I know you don't. My reaction and tone aren't at DawnM. :)

 

 

[LucyStoner]

May I humbly ask some questions?

 

What is society's role in caring for a young adult who is incapable of normal assimilation (for lack of a better term)? If a teen is violent, for example, or has addiction issues, that teen needs help. Who is responsible for providing that help? Family? Community?

 

It seems that if a family walks away, someone must pick up the pieces. I believe that some people hope by forcing their child, now a young adult, to be independent, that the young adult will see the error of his ways. But obviously it is not always that easy.

 

Where I live, people tend to say that families should be responsible for their own--not government. If government sponsored drug rehab programs are eliminated, for example, who helps these young adults?

 

Can we wash our hands of the situation?

For most families they are going to need government help for things like longer term rehab, assisted living for autistic young adults etc. A family can be extremely supportive of an adult child with serious needs and the way they show that support is help accessing the services.

 

Most all of us, even most of those in the top quintile of income, don't have the kind of money it takes to get these sorts of services without government aid. That's just a fact of life. So people have the rather romantic idea that family support begins and ends with the person living with their parents and then other relatives, but sometimes that is clearly not safe or feasible. If I end up with a 20 year old son doing the sort of violent things he did at age 10 but with the extra height and weight a decade of age brings, I simply will.not.be.able to live like that. Hopefully that's not the case but I'm not betting the farm on it either.

 

Research tends to support that as a community we can pay for services, housing, rehab etc or we can pay a heck of a lot more later for the criminal justice and unpaid medical bills side of thing. Obviously it's not all one thing or the other IRL, but it's cheaper to pay for adult group homes with social work staff than it is to incarcerate people who can't function on their own and then commit crimes. In short I think that even if it were possible to wash our hands of the situation (as a community), the decision to do so can and often does come back to bite us all in the butt.

[jelbe5]

Theft. I was a pretty troubled teen/young adult and feel I am experienced and equipped to handle a lot. I would want to help address serious problems such as substance abuse, but I have a huge issue with the concept of having money/items stolen. I have always told my children they can come to me with any problem and I will try to help, but plan to leave if you decide to steal from me.

[J-rap]

To answer the OP's question, violence toward others.  Other than that, I think it's too difficult to know unless I was actually in the situation.

[FaithManor]

Drug use if he or she would not allow me to check him or her into rehab. Illegal activity that threatened the family security. Violence. It would take something like that, something really bad.

 

 

[BigMamaBird]

18+?

Refusing to do ANYTHING productive. We're pretty lenient in that regard - we have no problem with our children living with us, even as young adults, so long as they are working or going to school. DH grew up in a multi-generational house (his parents and paternal grandparents), and it is just the way he was raised... BUT the able adults in the house worked full time. I believe his grandfather was a janitor, and his father has always owned a music shoppe and worked as a private music teacher. 

 

We actually HOPE that our children attend a local college, and live here while attending - it would cut costs all around, as well as give them a support system (financial and emotional) during their tough years. 

 

I would kick out over things that could hurt other family members - violence, drug use, etc... although, admittedly, I would first try very hard to find them help, before kicking them out (adults have to accept the help for themselves, though; unlike younger children, rarely can they be forced into it). I would kick out for being a lazy, entitled young adult who did nothing (no school, no work). 

 

I would also kick out for not biding by household rules. I can't imagine giving a young adult a curfew, but if they refused to not come loudly clamoring into the house at 2 am, waking up younger siblings, or bringing home opposite s*x guests, they would be out as well.

 

This is pretty much exactly what I think.  My kids are welcome to live with us for as long as they want if they are willing to abide by house rules and are either in college, actively seeking work or working.   I know a family who lives in a very high COL city and their late 20s and early 30s age kids are still living with them.  Not because they are bums or anything, they're actually working while attending law enforcement and nursing school, but because there's simply no way they could afford to feed, clothe and house themselves in the place where they live.  It works out well for the family because everyone gets along and pulls their own weight.  And I think that's a perfectly lovely arrangement.  

 

Drugs, violence or blatant disrespect to the family unit would get someone kicked out of our house.

[FaithManor]

My paternal aunt had to put her oldest out of the house after his significantly younger brother was roughed up by the drug dealer her older son did business with since he would not relent to rehab. At some point, protecting the innocent had to prioritized. She did not disown her son, but all interactions with him took place in public. So, they would meet at McD's and she would buy him food, leave him with some groceries, sometimes drive him to the hospital, etc. She was the first one at his side when he decided that he would go to rehab.

 

Thankfully, it worked for him, and his computer genius skills eventually blossomed into an amazing job. (If you've ever watched the movie, "Catch Me if You Can", take that level of ability and add a drug abuse element, and you have my cousin). He is a remarkable man these days, proud to know him. I have to wonder if she had disowned him on top of putting him out of the house, the outcome would not have been so bright. Then again, sometimes there is NOTHING a person can do for their child to stop the inevitable train wreck. Sigh....no good answers really. No right answers for certain. We are just eternally grateful for him that he was able to turn his life around, that appropriate intervention worked, and that aunt has a wonderful relationship with her son, his wife, and their son, and even more so that my younger cousin was able to forgive his brother, and they are on good terms. If you had asked all of us 25 years ago if this were possible, the answer would have been a bleak, heart breaking, no.

[MrsBasil]

I have no idea.

 

I married into a family where the youngest child is now 26, still lives at home, has never graduated high school, does not hold a job, got disability for an issue he could treat but chooses not to, refuses any offers of counseling, therapy, or job training, stays up all night on the Internet or playing video games, will not help with work around the house, and complains about having to pay his cellphone bill.

 

I like to think that I would not allow my own child to live with me in those circumstances, but the reality is I really do not know what I would do when faced with it.

 

If this guy's parents pass on while he is still alive, he'll be our "problem" and I really have no interest in allowing him to continue to his current lifestyle in our home. On the other hand, I don't exactly wish for him to be forced out on the streets either.

 

I have very young kids, so my plans involve teaching and modeling life skills and good decision making but that doesn't prevent mental illness, drug a use/abuse, or any number of things.

[T'smom]

My kids are so young, so it is hard to say what I would do under crazy circumstances. I had a major depressive episode while in college. I dropped out and came home for a semester. My parents got me help and I went back the next year. After I graduated, I couldn't find a job (education) and I lived at home while substitute teaching. For awhile, I helped out a lot at home, but it got so I was subbing every day and had gotten an evening job too. So I was hardly ever home. It had the potential to be disasterous- my parents and I had a terrible relationship when I was in high school. Terrible. But after college, they treated me like an adult and our relationship improved 1000%. That lasted a year and I found full-time employment in another town and moved out. Granted, these were not extreme circumstances, but if my parents had had a "once you're 18, you're out" rule, I don't know what I would have done.

 

Dh lived at home while in college and working and was required to do a LOT, IMO. I know they charged rent in the summers, though I am not sure about the school year. They required he do things like build a deck on the back of the house and contribute to groceries, etc. I didn't meet him until much later and we lived a long way from his parents. When we visited for a week or two at a time (before we were married), his mom would leave him a long list of things he was supposed to do while he was there. It was discussed and agreed on before we married that we would NOT do things that way with our kids.

 

Our kids will be certainly be welcome to live here, rent free as long as there are no extreme circumstances.

[Tsuga]

Did not read the other answers.

 

I want to say that 18 isn't a magic number. It's just the number at which I'd have a hard time legally forcing them to move from the house to a treatment facility. I'd kick out a minor for the same reasons I'd kick out an 18-year-old. I just have more control over where they go--such as drug or psychiatric treatment.

 

For me, you are out if you:

 

--Put people in the house at risk of losing life or limb (permanent damage), usually this means violent tendencies and also being at least 11 or so;

--Risk us losing our home (drug sales, manufacturing, etc.).

 

But for assault, I wouldn't want them on the street. I'd rather have them in jail on assault. Yeah, jail sucks. But I would want to send a message. And I've had family members in jail.

 

Then there's the economic side.

 

For 18, you're going to pay rent, either for a room with us, or to someone else. I will help you form good credit. I will help you by co-signing for college loans. I will help you by setting you up for success. But if, after all my work, at 18 you can't even get a job to pay to share a room with someone, I really don't know what to say. Time for the school of hard knocks. I mean how hard is it to pay for a BED? The recession was hard, and I'd reduce my rent fees. But honestly... adults should contribute to expenses. They will buy their share of the food, rotate payment for other incidentals like TP, and share in utilities.

 

For many kids, living at home under those rules is just not that attractive. It's like regular life, except you live with your mom as well. But hey, if they don't feel like moving, I'm happy to have  help with the rent.

 

But that's an easy scenario. What if the kid has a baby? Again, you pay rent. I won't care for your child--many people want to adopt children. You adopt out if you can't care for the baby. I think it would be hard to watch a grandchild be adopted out and I can't say I know what I'd do in reality. But in theory, I'd like to think I wouldn't try to keep a baby in my child's care who could be with extremely loving, caring parents, especially now that open adoptions are more common.

 

Life is hard. I lived with my mom, paying rent, for several periods as an adult, mainly in between moves. It was helpful! But I paid for 100% of groceries, utilities, plus on the mortgage, and her gas for those short periods. She's welcome at our house any times.

 

I think there can be firm boundaries and love and responsibility at the same time.

[kroe1]

Our list encompasses the same as all the OPs. Smoking cigarettes also meets "kick out" criteria. But, if kiddo is following the rules, he is allowed to remain in the wallet indefinitely.

 

"Kicking out" may not always be a bad thing. Perhaps we all got lucky. DS34, the first to be kicked out, is now an ER physician and one of my closest friends. Sometimes giving up a lifestyle is the great motivator to redirect one's life.

[happi duck]

I don't know. I hope I don't find out. Circumstances would have to be dire.

I agree.

 

I don't think I could ever make a cut and dried rule for this.

 

My sister met most of the criteria for being kicked out presented in this thread. My parents did not kick her out and I think it made all the difference.

 

For a different kid it might be a different story...