Ugh, my mom still doesn't get it!

[mom2scouts]

I grew up in a home with a public school teacher father and a high school drop out mother. My mom doesn't remember anything good about her school years except the many ways she got into trouble.  She was very confused when I pulled my fourth child out of school to homeschool and later started homeschooling child #5 too.  She asked me silly questions like, "What about lunch?", "Is that even legal?", and "How can you teach him stuff when you're not a teacher?".  She is not a person who ever thinks outside the box and was very worried, but eventually told me that with all the bad news stories about schools that homeschooling may be a good idea.  I *thought* we were over the questioning of homeschooling.

 

Yesterday I was talking to my mom and she started asking me things about sending my children to high school.  I told her that my son has been saying that he doesn't ever want to go back to school and wants to continue to homeschool through high school.  She was shocked and told me that "you can't homeschool jr. high and high school!" I told her that my son is starting middle school next month and I will be homeschooling him. I have two college degrees, my kids are doing very well, and I live in a University community that would allow me to find tutors if I found them necessary.  Mom asked, "But how will he walk down the aisle with his friends for graduation?" and "He won't be able to go to college!".  My kids probably won't have trouble getting into college and I can't see them caring much about missing the walk down the aisle.  My dad supports homeschooling, but he will not stand up to my mother, so he's no help. I guess this is just a vent, but I'm so annoyed and sick of explaining it to her.

[Arcadia]

My dad does that too and he is a retired school teacher. I write it off as a generation gap issue, my dad is 30 years older than me.

[Farrar]

That's interesting, Mom.  Pass the bean dip?

 

If she keeps it up and it's really becoming detrimental to your relationship, then I would just say that.  Say, I hear that you have these concerns and I've tried to address them, but I'm the parent and I'm making the decisions and I need you to respect that.  And if you can't drop this then we wouldn't be able to see you as often and I would feel really sad about that.

[HS Mom in NC]

Say, "Millions of people do it every day.  Their kids go to college and have happy successful lives.  There are plenty of books and online resources by homeschoolers that will answer aaaaaalllllllll your questions.  Feel free to look them up and we can talk about it after you've read some." If she really wants to know, rather than use her questions as a springboard to voice her disapproval, she'll look into it.  Don't hold your breath.

 

Then stop wanting approval for homeschooling. Accept that you will not get approval for it from anyone ever.  Once you accept that, your emotional life will get so much better.  If she asks you again after you've encouraged her to look for answers to her own questions then say, "We talked about that already." Then change the subject.

 

Some places do have cap and gown ceremonies for homeschoolers.  If she really cares about it she can organize and advertise it in your area.  My kids had a graduation party, senior photos, a homeschool diploma, but not a cap and gown ceremony because they didn't care about it. If Granny does, Granny can get a location (a large church works well for this) Granny can make choices about gown color, Granny can select the speakers, Granny can contact all the homeschoolers in the area through local groups, Granny can.......

[FriedClams]

Bean Dip. Pass it. Don't engage.

 

 

Ask me how I know.... ;-)

[creekland]

You could always show her some links to where homeschoolers on this board are going to college - many with decent merit aid too.

 

FWIW, I pulled mine OUT for middle and high school years as what is learned in those years (IMO) is more critical and the school district we are in wasn't up to my standards.  Youngest wanted to go back for high school, so we let him.  Oldest and middle ended up doing far better... so youngest had a graduation ceremony and my other two were set up better for college.  Which is more important?  Middle (who is here and in on our recent discussion) feels he didn't miss a thing.  ;)

[Tanaqui]

"What about lunch?"

 

She asked that? What... what did she think you were going to do for lunch, resort to cannibalism?

[Ad astra]

Well, my Ph.D friend asked me same questions when I told her I was considering of homeschooling my kids. And honestly I had the same ignorant questions in my mind when I visited my sister-in-law and saw her homeschooling four children before I had my first baby. I guess it is something you truly don't understand until you are "in" it. It is so new to most people and takes time and effort for them to learn in detail about how possible it is.

[mom2scouts]

"What about lunch?"

 

She asked that? What... what did she think you were going to do for lunch, resort to cannibalism?

 

Yes, she really asked that!  I told her that children can live without school lunch and I do plan to feed my children.  Maybe lunch was one of the only parts of school she liked.

 

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it is annoying.  Now that I think about it, I used to talk to her on the phone for a couple of hours every morning.  With homeschooling, I don't have time for such long talks, but I still try to call regularly.  She has few friends and NO interests, so I guess she may be bored and miss those long phone calls.

[angela in ohio]

Even the people in our life who were pretty okay with homeschooling in general started to panic when oldest dd decided to stay home for high school. It was four long years of random people who hadn't asked their questions yet ambushing me here or there, but once she was accepted to college, they got over it. :)

 

It sounds like she was pretty reasonable with her first set of questions, and she listened to your explanations. Therefore, I would give her the same chance again. I would answer them once, but then not again once you have explained it and discussed it.

[desertflower]

My mom is the same way.  Not about homeschooling, but other stuff.  I feel for you. 

 

and yes, she probably is lonely.  We don't engage........ by not seeing her that often.  Unfortunately, my kids won't have a close relationship with them, but it's better for our sanity. 

 

It's a generation gap and a culture gap in my case.  Not good...........

 

Good luck.  I pray that the situation gets better and that she has a clear understanding of what a wonderful thing you are doing by educating your kids.   

[Tracy]

I guess this is just a vent, but I'm so annoyed and sick of explaining it to her.

 

It is perfectly appropriate to diplomatically tell her that you are willing to answer sincere questions, but that it is inappropriate for her to question your adult decisions for your own children.  Then the next time she asks, just ask her whether she really wants to know the answer or whether she is challenging your decision to homeschool.  

[BlsdMama]

We've been schooling for 13+ years.  Even after it became really apparent we were going to continue through the high school years, I was still asked this past winter about considering sending the younger kids, or maybe just our second, to school........ 

 

Smile.  Pass the bean dip.

 

Our oldest just got an academic scholarship to cover the full cost of her freshman year of college.  DH said almost immediately, "Now do you think they'll stop hoping we're going to send them to school?"  LOL.  No, actually I don't.  I still EXPECT it to continue. 

 

Smile.  Pass the bean dip.  Repeat infinitely.

[daijobu]

  She asked me silly questions like, "What about lunch?"

 

Since when is that a silly question?   :tongue_smilie:  I could certainly use some help with meal planning!

[kesmom]

Maybe lunch was one of the only parts of school she liked.

I think you are likely correct.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't think they are silly questions for a grandparent to ask.  I would expect a grandparent to have a vested interest in all of this, after all.

 

Simple answers:

 

How about lunch?  (your answers may vary) - We will break for lunch and a recess around noon.  I will prepare the meal or have the kids get their own.

 

Is that even legal?  Yes.  We follow all state laws on homeschooling.  

 

How can you teach them stuff when you're not a teacher?  I've been teaching them all their lives, Mom.  And you should see the curriculum I have.  It is really easy to follow when you don't have a whole classroom of squirmy kids who don't want to be there.

 

Now if she's asked these questions and they've been answered and she asks the same ones (not new ones which I would expect could be answered just as simply) then I would play pass the bean dip.  

[Guest erika876]

Sometimes it's impossible to change your mom's beliefs. It's easier to keep on homeschooling and let her beleive what she wants. Only your kid should decide whether he wants to be homeschooled or not. So listen to him and keep up the great job!

[happypamama]

Legitimate questions -- those I answer, or tell them where they can get more info. Negative, challenging attitudes -- I don't put up with those. Pass the bean dip.

[OneStepAtATime]

If you can, take her to a big homeschooling convention.  It might really help her if she sees the vast numbers of people there, and the amazing array of curriculum, and maybe you can show her that while her experience with school was not a good one, there are some fantastic ways to learn that you can provide right in your own home.

[JustEm]

My family is very supportive since some of us were homeschooled and my sisters homeschool their kids. My in laws are respectful of our decision but don't agree with it. Fil is a high school principal and mil is in the admissions office for the districts 3 vocational high schools. They have never been negative about it and have asked legitimate questions like what the legal requirements are, where I go for curriculum,etc. But I know they'll get a little more verbal in their concern once high school roles around. Its certainly an understandable concern for someone close to you on the outside looking in. But knowing them they will likely bring it up once and accept whatever we decide after that discussion.

[happypamama]

My family is very supportive since some of us were homeschooled and my sisters homeschool their kids. My in laws are respectful of our decision but don't agree with it. Fil is a high school principal and mil is in the admissions office for the districts 3 vocational high schools. They have never been negative about it and have asked legitimate questions like what the legal requirements are, where I go for curriculum,etc. But I know they'll get a little more verbal in their concern once high school roles around. Its certainly an understandable concern for someone close to you on the outside looking in. But knowing them they will likely bring it up once and accept whatever we decide after that discussion.

I don't think it's unreasonable for them to have concerns, especially given their backgrounds. My ILs are super supportive (and I think they wish they had homeschooled DH) but ask a lot of questions about curricula and requirements because they don't necessarily know how it actually works. I don't think they're skeptical, just not seeing how it works on a daily basis. So I show them the kids' test scores (which I don't think really reflect what my kids know or learn, but the state requires them, and thus far, they make me look awfully good, lol), and I show them the portfolios, and I show them some of the books we use (they liked the looks of the Kingfisher encyclopedias), and I think that reassures them that "I put it together myself" means "I keep my kids' interests and skills in mind and make them mesh with the state's requirements," rather than "we aren't getting anything done." I think showing them the end result helps them to see that I don't necessarily need to use a boxed program or follow anyone's prescribed curricula.

[Starr]

At least she's thinking about graduation my sister was worried because they would miss the prom!  :svengo:

[idnib]

"What about lunch?"

 

"Thanks for offering! We were tiring of sandwiches and soup."  :sneaky2:

[OneStepAtATime]

At least she seems to be asking questions out of genuine concern for her grand kids.  I have had friends whose families didn't seem to care about the kids at all, only whether the neighbors/friends/other family members would think their family was too fringe (wouldn't want that polished shine on the family name to get tarnished...).

[Tanikit]

My parents (both previous teachers) were initially concerned - but then my sister's child spent a year in kindergarten and it did not do her any good. I was already homeschooling at that point though my child was very young. Since we both started homeschooling and my parents have seen their grandchildren happier and also academically doing well and having plenty of socialising opportunities they have started to feel that homeschooling is the way to go for everyone. My Dad is still involved in school problems in this country and he says it is only getting worse here so has been researching where school does actually work and trying to figure out why.

[deerforest]

If she dropped out of high school, is it possible that she felt like she missed some opportunities by doing so and regrets it? Maybe homeschooling high school seems too close to her personal regrets. Just thinking about it from a different perspective!

[duckens]

If you can pass the bean dip, that is best.  However, if your mother's approval is important to you (and you think that resolution of this issue will bring peace, then I second taking her along to a homeschooling convention.

As far as the high school and middle school questions, there was a lovely article in the Iowa homeschool magazine that came out last week.  It's not online yet, or I'd link to it for you.  It discussed the local homeschool graduation ceremony, and I guess the parents get to stand up with their student and talk about the homeschool journey and how their child has specialized and excelled during the previous 4 years. 

I don't know how other homeschool group graduations are handled, but there are worse things you could do than crash a graduation.  :D

You could also invite her along to explore and sort through all of your new homeschool supplies next month, once the magic UPS man arrives with his boxes of fun.  Let her see what you are actually using, and let her dissect it on her own.

You could also invite her on a "field trip" to spend a "typical day in the life of a homeschooler."  Let her read the spelling words to one of the kids.  Let one of the older kids read their history lesson aloud to her.  Let her do fractions alongside your oldest.

[OneStepAtATime]

I had a rather funny conversation with one of my many BILs recently.  He was totally confused on how I could homeschool High School without access to the actual textbook used in school.  It took a bit of conversing back and forth to realize that he thought ALL schools all over the world used the exact same textbooks for High School (just in different languages) and that only the actual High Schools had access.  Like it was secret info that only the schools were privy to.  And his wife is a teacher.  :)

 

Most people just don't really understand how education actually functions in a public or even private school setting, so I can see how homeschooling would be even more of a mystery.   I admit I was one of the totally ignorant, even though a ton of my family are public school educators.  And I definitely knew next to nothing about homeschooling before we got plopped into it.  Therefore, when BIL started asking a ton of questions, I actually kind of understood why he didn't understand and spent a good hour talking with him and showing him the resources I have been gathering for when DD13 starts High School.  Of course, we don't have this discussion on a regular basis.  That might get frustrating.

[OneStepAtATime]

Oh, and as others have mentioned, many homeschool groups have graduation ceremonies and even proms.  If your dc are interested, I think graduation ceremonies can be a great way for the family to celebrate with other families and it might also reassure her that they won't have some of the regrets she may have had.

[OneStepAtATime]

That's just weird. 

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:

 

He's a bit ignorant.  Not sure why.  He is intelligent.  He is a nice guy.  DH says it is just the culture of where he grew up.  That a large number of people in this area are just content to move through their days without much connection to anything outside of their immediate surroundings.  They have limited experience with the larger world even though they have access and capability and no desire to really question anything.  Just no interest.  The fact that he was asking questions and genuinely trying to understand was rather surprising.  It was a nice conversation (although I must admit I had a hard time at first not just laughing outright in shocked amusement at his assumptions).

[plmzk]

Oh, I feel for you!

 

I need to take some of the advice given here.

 

My mom CONSTANTLY asks "Did you school....today?" If I say we are having an easy day/ week she gets SO worried, and rambles on and on about some of the kids she knows are "doing sooo much, aren't your kids falling behind?" That usually ruffles my feathers, but I point out that ODD8 is reading fluently in two languages, she writes VERY well in two languages and can add double digit numbers (think 79 and 47) in her head at the drop of a hat. Sure, we could do more science experiments, but how many 8 year old girls know the names of many tools in mechanic's shop? How many 8 year old can cook (supervised) a chicken/mashed potato and salad dinner for the family?

 

I need to learn how to "pass the bean dip" on the phone. ;)

 

 

[idnib]

I need to learn how to "pass the bean dip" on the phone. ;)

 

Pro tip: dipping the phone in a bowl of bean dip doesn't work. That took a long time to clean up.

[OneStepAtATime]

Pro tip: dipping the phone in a bowl of bean dip doesn't work. That took a long time to clean up.

:lol:

[Guest]

I have seriously changed the subject from homeschooling to bean dip and had scathing ad hominem-slinging debates with my family about bean dip and tortilla chips.

Even though I'm some idiot who tries to make vegan tortillas when everybody knows that tortillas aren't worth a doodle unless they're made with lard and have a million calories in them because tortillas are copyrighted just like the secret formula for coca cola and you have to buy them at the store like decent people do, it still helped me put things in perspective.

 

Besides, since they don't know what "bean dip" means in homeschooling circles, they made themselves look so ridiculous that I felt like I'd won and they felt like they had.

 

Some families are just like that. Pick a better topic for them to play with and let 'em have their fun.

 

Cannabis legalization is trending and Ron Paul has always been controversial.

[wingedradical]

I'd try to be patient. Is it possible that she feels insecure because of her own lack of education and that she  emotionally equates your not sending them to school to her own perceived (or real) lacks? Or that she really, deep down inside, wants your children to have that experience that she didn't have?  I know you say she has no positive memories but that doesn't mean she might not like to have positive memories. Her talking about your children walking down to get a diploma makes me wonder if it might not be her own regrets speaking.

 

I was a high school drop out. Although I remedied that while still in my early twenties, I still remember how stupid it made me feel and I did miss out on a lot. I don't think my homeschooled children missed out on much and anything they did miss (no prom for my oldest?), was balanced by stuff they did get. But she may need extra reassurance of that .. especially since she may not be certain exactly what she did miss.

 

As for school lunches, a lot of people seem to be convinced that school lunch is the only balanced meal children get. Ha! I don't consider school meals attractive our healthy but sadly, in some cases, that might be closer to the truth than we'd like to think. I think many children don't get healthy dinners. Witness people who don't pay their school lunch tabs, resulting in children only getting a sandwich at lunch. You'd think the school was committing child abuse by withholding a pizza and giving out a sandwich! Yes, it's better to have more variety in your lunch but....

[Arcadia]

As for school lunches, a lot of people seem to be convinced that school lunch is the only balanced meal children get. ..

My kids enjoyed school lunch because they get to shop for the grocery items to make their own lunch and gets to pack their lunch bag. The older kids in school enjoyed buying "junk food" off the school cafeteria. My boys get to pack lunch for summer camps and library visits anyway.

 

I don't know what OP's mom mean by her school lunch comment but some kids do like the fun of school lunch.

[AdventuresinHomeschooling]

I am so fortunate that both of our parents get homeschooling and actually have even homeschooled for a period of time.  I do have one relative who cringes.  We are moving, and she keeps telling me about where all the good school districts are when we mention neighborhoods.  However, my mother definitely got her share of looks and disapproval when she homeschooled us.  But my grandparents have seen me attain a couple graduate degrees and do very well.  When I told her I was homeschooling, she said, "Oh, well you will do well.  We have some friends who are doing that.  Your children are so bright and have friends.  You will have no problems."  Social norms seem to be the biggest thing, next to genuine curiosity on the hows of homeschooling.  But as it is becoming more mainstream, or if your mother knew someone else who was doing it, it wouldn't be such a big deal.  

 

If she is asking out of genuine interest, I'd be polite and answer.  If she's just voicing her opinion in her questions, I would simply say, "I respect your concerns, but we weigh all these things and make the decision we feel is best."  It sounds like her own insecurities and regrets are coming out.  Maybe have a fun girls day with her so she knows your relationship with her is important.  FWIW, I graduated high school a year early, had a graduation ceremony at a co-op with a state diploma, and I had scholarships to college.  I even had a prom, and I went to my boyfriend's prom!  Fun night, but not worth sacrificing my education for.