Any Other Gentle Parenters out there?

[AngelaNYC]

Same here. :)

 

I have no patience for the concept that kids have to jump through hoops just because their parents tell them they have to do it, and they have no input into family decisions.

 

And don't even get me started on the whole idea of kids having to respect and never question any adult for the sole reason that they are children and adults are adults. :glare: I have seen many people post about that in the past, and it makes no sense at all to me. I mean, it's bad enough that the poor kid is the low man on the totem pole at home, but he also has to be sweet and compliant and "seen but not heard" with every other adult, as well. Aside from the fact that I can see a lot of potential for abuse in situations like that, but I also think it seriously hinders the kid's ability to interact with adults on an equal level, both now and in the future. I want to raise a leader, not a follower.

 

As a personal example, many of you know that my dh is dealing with serious health issues and we have been to many doctors and liver transplant centers to find out the available treatments and options. Our ds14 goes to every appointment with us. He is as free as my dh and I to question the doctors and ask for more information or a more specific explanation. It has never occurred to us that he would be too young to be included. Every decision we make involves his life as much as ours, and his input is crucial to us. As for the doctors, all but one have been very good about answering ds's questions and several have commented on how polite he is, and how he asks intelligent questions. We've had more than a few of them suggest to ds that he consider becoming a doctor one day, but ds assures them that he's only interested in medicine right now because he wants to understand what's going on with his dad. :) But if we had raised him not to question authority or if we had led him to believe that adults were more important than he is, I'm sure he wouldn't have the nerve to be as outgoing and inquisitive as he is.

 

My dh always says that he was a shy kid himself, and that he is so glad that ds is outgoing, confident, and assertive, yet is able to walk away from conversations with people thinking he's polite and pleasant, not an obnoxious brat.

 

I guess it's all in the delivery... ;)

 

I don't see your examples as disrespectful.  When I said I expect my kids to respect me and all adults I would never think that means to be seen and not heard, to never question, or to not have input.  I meant saying things like please and thank you, doing what is expected of you (chores, schoolwork, etc) or nicely asked by other adult (within reason) without argument, and refraining from excessive whining or unpleasant sarcasm.  I encourage my kids to question, be confident, assertive, outgoing, and have input into many parts of our lives.  But allowing kids to be disrespectful, purposefully immature, and just plain annoying will never create a leader.

[Farrar]

Another gentle discipline type.

 

I'm strict compared to the "real" attachment parenting, gentle discipline types that I know though.  They ascribe to things like "no praise" and "no rewards" and "no rules" pretty religiously in ways that I don't really buy into.  I start with the basic idea that my kids deserve respect and love and gentleness...  but from there I'm happy to translate that into what really works on the ground.

 

Totally agreed with the frustration that a lot of the community support and buzz around these terms ends when school begins.  But I think there is stuff out there, it's just framed really differently.

 

[Catwoman]

Another gentle discipline type.

 

I'm strict compared to the "real" attachment parenting, gentle discipline types that I know though. They ascribe to things like "no praise" and "no rewards" and "no rules" pretty religiously in ways that I don't really buy into. I start with the basic idea that my kids deserve respect and love and gentleness... but from there I'm happy to translate that into what really works on the ground.

 

Totally agreed with the frustration that a lot of the community support and buzz around these terms ends when school begins. But I think there is stuff out there, it's just framed really differently.

I'm all about the praise and the rewards stuff, so I don't fit the mold, either.

 

I always find it odd when people are so strict about following the rules of a "no rules" parenting system. :D

[Farrar]

I'm all about the praise and the rewards stuff, so I don't fit the mold, either.

 

I always find it odd when people are so strict about following the rules of a "no rules" parenting system. :D

 

Yeah, some people are really dogmatic about being relaxed, huh?

 

I'm still not huge on rewards (and I learned when I was teaching not to ever, ever do a structured rewards system if you can avoid it - more trouble than it's worth), but I started out having bought into the whole "praise junky" thing and I now really regret that.  I don't think I praised my kids enough when they were younger.  Part of that is just me and my personality too, but I've had to train myself when they're doing some great - whether it's something like a good goal save or a great dance performance or something like having stuck up for a friend or been really patient in a tough situation - to really strongly let them know that I saw and appreciated and am proud.

[happyhome]

If you go by this set of rules, then I'm at about 9 or 10 out of 14. I am definitely understanding, empathetic, and respectful towards my kids, but I do praise and reward them when I see fit and I do expect them to treat me and all adults with respect - whether earned or not. And I believe that after a certain age there are deliberate "bad behaviors". Everything else I pretty much agree with.

 

I didn't understand the title of this thread, but based on this chart, I'm a gentle parent! Who knew?

[NASDAQ]

I don't do structured reward systems (because lazy), but I think I should praise my kids more than I do. I think I should probably praise my husband more than I do too.

[Catwoman]

I don't do structured reward systems (because lazy), but I think I should praise my kids more than I do. I think I should probably praise my husband more than I do too.

I probably praise too much, and I'm always giving my ds little rewards for things, but we don't really have any kind of structured system. If I was a more structured person, I would probably be better at that sort of thing!

[Snow]

This is hard for me lately.

 

When ds was an infant I thought I was going to be very gentle. Very into mutual respect.

 

I still believe that a cooperative, listening to one another approach is best.

 

But I have to admit, I'm disappointed in myself. I get so easily annoyed and I feel like I'm on edge all the time. They drive me bonkers! I mean, seriously!

 

So, I'm there philosophically and always have been. But in practice? Being a parent is tough.

(how's that for my obvious statement of the day?). I wish I could be more chill. :)

[Ravin]

I don't fit on either side of that chart. My DD responds well to positive reinforcement and has needed help to control her behavior for her own well being. She needs consistency and follow through. We have to be strict about sleep/bedtime because she doesn't sleep in past a certain point and doesn't function well without enough sleep. And to calm down when she gets spun up she needs to disengage from what's triggering her upset--usually me.

[Katy]

I don't fit on either side of that chart either.  And I don't think any of my friends would either.

[Colleen]

I didn't understand the title of this thread

 

I still don't.  

 

I don't fit on either side of that chart either.  And I don't think any of my friends would either.

 

You don't, and they don't, because it's silly.  Our culture is ridiculously enamoured of labels ~ why, I do not know.  The fact that it bugs the h-e-double hockey sticks out of me is evidence of the fact that I'm not a "gentle" anything.  I've often joked that this (literal) farm with five boys is a boot camp of sorts.  And yet, it's not.  Sure, I'm hard on myself, hard on my guys, and not particularly fun or flexible.  But guess what?  Most of the "mainstream" parenting in this society ~ time-outs and rewards and punishments and yada yada yada ~ aren't on my radar.  Parenting is in large part intuitive, and intuitive behavior isn't neatly summed into boxes.  But boxing and labeling make for easier comparing of notes, nods of agreement (or lack thereof) and apparently that makes us feel better.  

[LibraryLover]

15 and almost 17 here and it's still mostly OK.

 

 

I've also been very lucky there. Some gp friends haven't been so. I think chemistry & personality play a role.

[LucyStoner]

We have structured rewards to a degree but we also really limit praise to reinforcing hard work and effort rather than innate abilities.  this works well for our "2e" son.  And while we have structured rewards because that really helps with our son's particular set of quirks, we make the rewards more about fun than stuff. 

[Violet Crown]

We have structured rewards to a degree but we also really limit praise to reinforcing hard work and effort rather than innate abilities. this works well for our "2e" son. And while we have structured rewards because that really helps with our son's particular set of quirks, we make the rewards more about fun than stuff.

Totally agree. We gave up punishment (and its euphemistic cousin, "consequences") early on, not out of parenting philosophy but because it always just made things worse. A decade later, we struggle with a [ETA: different!] child with anxieties so disabling she can often barely function. For her, we connive to arrange "consequences" such that each brave little attempt at dealing with life turns out to have a naturally linked happy outcome.

 

I hate that religious devotion has somehow in our culture become linked with punitive, authoritarian approaches to raising children, and the insights of Maria Montessori and St John Bosco about child guidance are somehow permissive and ungodly. I try to ask myself, What Would Signora Montessori Do?

[Pawz4me]

It does seem like most of the books, articles, and general buzz out there about gentle parenting concern the 5 and under kids. But I think there is a need for more discussion of gently parenting teens. I know parents who joke that if your teen doesn't hate you, you're doing it wrong. But the joke comes from an authoritarian type mindset/approach. Right now, it is an absolute breeze for me to parent my 14yo non-punitively, gently, cooperatively, etc. But I am concerned about my ability to handle the challenges that are going to come with the later teen years.

 

Mine are 15 and 18 and we've had no major problems.  And very few anywhere near medium-ish problems.  I think it certainly does depend a lot on the kid's personality.  And of course how much the hormones rage.  We've found the teenage years to be kind of a slow transition from parenting to taking on more of a mentor role.

 

 

I always find it odd when people are so strict about following the rules of a "no rules" parenting system. :D

 

I think I'm lucky to have started parenting long enough ago (pre-widespread use of the Internet) that I didn't realize there were styles of parenting with rules to follow.  We just did what seemed natural and right for us.  All the different parenting style stuff isn't something I became familiar with until we started homeschooling.  And by that time I had become a devotee of my very own style. ;) :laugh:

[Night Elf]

My kids are now 22, 17, and 16 and I think they are fabulous young adults. I learned about parenting techniques in college before I had my first child so I was aware that parenting could be different for everyone. I remember being kind of shocked about authoritarian parenting. I knew that would never be me. I suppose the label of gentle parenting could have applied to me. I learned a lot about my parenting intuitions when I was unschooling my kids. I was on Sandra Dodd's list and the most I can remember about that was trying not to say no so much. I don't recall anyone talking about letting their kids do something that caused harm to themselves or to others. They were very big into getting down on the child's level and talking about things. I guess if I had to find a bad example in my own life regarding parenting would be the fact that we never take vacations anywhere except to visit family because we can never agree on where to go. No one seems to care that we don't go on vacations. They'd rather stay home than go somewhere they don't want to go. I can respect that. Instead, I had to find a way for my youngest dd to get a couple of beach vacations without the whole family. I funded two trips where both dd's went by themselves.

 

I rarely had to say no to my kids growing up. I found so many traditional rules to be so arbitrary. My kids have still grown up understanding the need to be respectful of people in authority like police officers. They understand we can't always do what we want, like breaking traffic laws or infringing upon anyone else's rights to be happy. And I guess now that my kids are so old, I don't see myself in a particular parenting role at all. I'm a facilitator. I'm here to support their decision making and to offer advice. But I ask permission to offer advice. Otherwise, I'd feel like I was trying to impose my will upon them.

[Gentlemommy]

My goal is always mutual respect, kindness, and empathy. I strive to be gentle, fair, and not have arbitrary rules. I allow my kids to ask questions and bring new ideas and suggestions to the table.

[*Lulu*]

We didn't fit neatly into either camp either.

 

2/14 authoritarian

6/14 gentle

6/14 in between

 

We started this parenting gig much more authoritarian in style and learned pretty early on that it just didn't work for us. We felt like total parenting failures for awhile. After we found out that Punk has ASD we realized that that was a lot of the reason our other parenting strategies didn't work with him. I am so glad that we moved away from authoritarian parenting before we discovered what was really going on with Punk. Even still I feel guilty and sad for how long my sweet boy was being parented in away that was setting him up for failure.

 

On the flip side, we seem like very strict parents in comparison to some of the other families we interact with. It might not seem like a big deal if a child takes his shower in the evening or in the morning and insisting on one or the other might seem controlling to an outsider. If our son with ASD does not shower in the same time frame of his routine each day he will meltdown when the time comes for a shower.

 

I feel like I simulantiously look like a lax and overly strict parent!

[OneStepAtATime]

This presentation is obviously biased — not only the wording, but even the colors! I do try to parent through dialogue and consensus rather than laying down the law (which wouldn't work for my kids anyway), but I don't subscribe to the idea that there is a right way to parent, or a wrong way to parent. This excludes abusive parenting obviously.

 

I'm not "easy going". I'd like to be, but I have a temper. Just as I don't think I can change my kids' basic personality traits, I can't do that for myself either. I can only work with what I have. Yes, that includes raising my voice when I'm cranky or warning my kids I'm cranky today so they can take that into account. This mostly happens when I am overloaded with work and don't get enough exercise. My kids are pretty good at accepting that, just as I accept that they can't always be perfectly behaved little angels :). 

 

That brings me back to the last point on the list. The "red bit" says people may have stressful jobs, no support and a lack of self-care without being aware this impacts parenting. Perhaps they are aware? The "green bit" talks about people who ask for help and look for support. It's not like it's guaranteed that these things are available, right? It's not like a person does something wrong when these things are not available, right?

 

I am a widowed parent living in a developing country. I work from home and homeschool, and no — I don't have help or support. Of course I am aware that this impacts my parenting. Yes, things would probably be much easier if my husband was around to meet my emotional needs, if he was around to work so I didn't have to, if I had family living around here, if I was independently rich... but hey, none of those things are reality. So I make do with what I have and I don't feel guilty about that. 

:iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:

[AngelaNYC]

This presentation is obviously biased — not only the wording, but even the colors! I do try to parent through dialogue and consensus rather than laying down the law (which wouldn't work for my kids anyway), but I don't subscribe to the idea that there is a right way to parent, or a wrong way to parent. This excludes abusive parenting obviously.

 

I'm not "easy going". I'd like to be, but I have a temper. Just as I don't think I can change my kids' basic personality traits, I can't do that for myself either. I can only work with what I have. Yes, that includes raising my voice when I'm cranky or warning my kids I'm cranky today so they can take that into account. This mostly happens when I am overloaded with work and don't get enough exercise. My kids are pretty good at accepting that, just as I accept that they can't always be perfectly behaved little angels :). 

 

That brings me back to the last point on the list. The "red bit" says people may have stressful jobs, no support and a lack of self-care without being aware this impacts parenting. Perhaps they are aware? The "green bit" talks about people who ask for help and look for support. It's not like it's guaranteed that these things are available, right? It's not like a person does something wrong when these things are not available, right?

 

I am a widowed parent living in a developing country. I work from home and homeschool, and no — I don't have help or support. Of course I am aware that this impacts my parenting. Yes, things would probably be much easier if my husband was around to meet my emotional needs, if he was around to work so I didn't have to, if I had family living around here, if I was independently rich... but hey, none of those things are reality. So I make do with what I have and I don't feel guilty about that. 

 

Since I've never heard of "gentle parenting" I just googled and copied the first thing I found.  I figure it was just a basic guide to base my opinion on.  I'm no expert and maybe this isn't even a chart gentle parents actually use.  So don't base your opinion on what I posted.     :001_unsure:  :leaving:

[Χά�ων]

I probably praise too much, and I'm always giving my ds little rewards for things, but we don't really have any kind of structured system. If I was a more structured person, I would probably be better at that sort of thing!

I probably under praise. At one point I worked with a couple of adults who needed near constant praise for everything. Drove me batty.

Oh! You wiped your ass, good job!  :tongue_smilie:

[mommymilkies]

Lots and lots. You'll find us on the spanking threads in the archives. We're the ones agin' it. :p

 

I'm not as vocal about attachment parenting, including gentle discipline (as opposed to arbitrary, punitive, or retaliatory methods), as I used to be because my kids are older. Breast feeding doesn't come up much when all your kids are teens. I mean, not even to grudgingly give me credit for being right all those years when I said I was sure they'd wean before college! And, thank The Lord, the advice to hit my kids for infractions tapered off when they got as tall as me.

 

I put in a good 15 years' worth of advocacy online and IRL. Nowadays I am mostly ignoring things I used to answer, just because I can't spare the emotional investment during these busiest years of my kids' childhood. All my energy is on this job. I think that's where a lot of the other older WTM gentle parents are these days, too.

I feel the same way.  My youngest is only three, but I feel sort of sad that my baby days are over and like I've moved into older territory since I have teens.  

 

Yes, the sibling dynamic, particularly when there are a number of siblings involved, can change parenting style considerably.  

 

:iagree:   Not that people with one child can't give good advice or anything of the sort, but it's a whole different beast.  I found raising one to be more difficult than raising three.  But five is harder than the rest so far. I think that's partly the age spread, though.  I find it hard to go back and forth from "Mom of teen" to "Mom of toddler".

 

It does seem like most of the books, articles, and general buzz out there about gentle parenting concern the 5 and under kids. But I think there is a need for more discussion of gently parenting teens. I know parents who joke that if your teen doesn't hate you, you're doing it wrong. But the joke comes from an authoritarian type mindset/approach. Right now, it is an absolute breeze for me to parent my 14yo non-punitively, gently, cooperatively, etc. But I am concerned about my ability to handle the challenges that are going to come with the later teen years.

 

I agree!  I think How To Talk So Kids Will Listen... is one good one that works with teens.  I *think* Upside Down Brilliance is good for Right Brained Teens, but I can't remember if that's the one.  I'll have to check my journal. But I would love to see more.  

Another gentle discipline type.

 

I'm strict compared to the "real" attachment parenting, gentle discipline types that I know though.  They ascribe to things like "no praise" and "no rewards" and "no rules" pretty religiously in ways that I don't really buy into.  I start with the basic idea that my kids deserve respect and love and gentleness...  but from there I'm happy to translate that into what really works on the ground.

 

Totally agreed with the frustration that a lot of the community support and buzz around these terms ends when school begins.  But I think there is stuff out there, it's just framed really differently.

 

I think not praising or rewarding is rather...idealistic.  It just doesn't work in reality for most people.  I know so many Alfie Kohn flunkies.  :lol: I think partly it's your motivation and how it's done.  I definitely bribe and reward my kids sometimes.  As for no rules-psshhh.  I don't know any AP parents without rules, though they may not be as numerous as with authoritative households.  My rules are largely flexible "recommendations", but some I don't budge on, like not hurting people/animals. 

My goal is always mutual respect, kindness, and empathy. I strive to be gentle, fair, and not have arbitrary rules. I allow my kids to ask questions and bring new ideas and suggestions to the table.

:iagree: Perfectly said.  Though I'm not always great at implementation, this is my goal. 

[Murphy101]

LOL. Sure I am. I guess. Whatever that's supposed to mean. You might not think so, which doesn't really matter to me. Oddly enough many people think I'm too strict. Oh well. Good thing my parenting isn't based on popularity. :)

[OneStepAtATime]

By the way, I apologize for my idiocy but what is NCP?

[Χά�ων]

By the way, I apologize for my idiocy but what is NCP?

non coercive parenting

 

If you see it written NCP-CL 

 

the CL means Consensual Living 

[SwallowTail]

Yes, we parent positively, non-punitively, non-shaming, gently, with an eye toward relationship, trust-building, kindness, and respect for all members of the family.  That chart seemed to me though, to be fairly well defining gentle parenting as only a NCP-CL style parenting. 

[shawthorne44]

I think we are pretty gentle parents.  Our goal is to have only a very few rules, but to enforce them always.  The Love and Logic idea really clicked with me, and I had DH read one of the books so that we'd be on the same page.  I have to be mindful to let the natural consequences happen.  Although it is hard to not say "i told you so"

 

One thing I've noticed, the Sharp Voice gets instant obedience.  I don't use it that often, although occasionally I get exasperated and it comes out when I don't mean it to.  I think it goes back to the attachment parenting and baby-wearing.  DD really really cares that everything between us is honky-dory.  

 

I don't even WANT instant obedience to my every command.  As kids, didn't we all know kids whose parents demanded instant obedience?  Didn't they always fall into two camps?  Either they rebelled, or they slavishly followed the alpha teenager.  I don't want that for my kids.  

[OneStepAtATime]

non coercive parenting

 

If you see it written NCP-CL 

 

the CL means Consensual Living 

Thanks for the explanation, QGotD!  :)

 

 I guess I have never run across these acronyms before, or maybe never took the time to question them.  Now, can someone define these terms?  I think I get non-coersive parenting but what about CL?

[Catwoman]

We didn't fit neatly into either camp either.

2/14 authoritarian

6/14 gentle

6/14 in between

We started this parenting gig much more authoritarian in style and learned pretty early on that it just didn't work for us. We felt like total parenting failures for awhile. After we found out that Punk has ASD we realized that that was a lot of the reason our other parenting strategies didn't work with him. I am so glad that we moved away from authoritarian parenting before we discovered what was really going on with Punk. Even still I feel guilty and sad for how long my sweet boy was being parented in away that was setting him up for failure.

On the flip side, we seem like very strict parents in comparison to some of the other families we interact with. It might not seem like a big deal if a child takes his shower in the evening or in the morning and insisting on one or the other might seem controlling to an outsider. If our son with ASD does not shower in the same time frame of his routine each day he will meltdown when the time comes for a shower.

I feel like I simulantiously look like a lax and overly strict parent!

Yeah, but you've found what works for you, which is about a thousand times better than trying to follow some idiotic prescribed method of parenting that was written by someone who has never met your family. :)

[Χά�ων]

Thanks for the explanation, QGotD!   :)

 

 I guess I have never run across these acronyms before, or maybe never took the time to question them.  Now, can someone define these terms?  I think I get non-coersive parenting but what about CL?

Consensual Living 

[OneStepAtATime]

Consensual Living 

But what does that mean?  I don't really understand what that means.  Does that mean that everyone has to agree to everything before anything is done?  

[*Lulu*]

Yeah, but you've found what works for you, which is about a thousand times better than trying to follow some idiotic prescribed method of parenting that was written by someone who has never met your family. :)

Absolutely!

 

It is also much better than just parenting the way our extended family who had kids two-three or 50 decades ago parented just because the generation they raised up survived it. (But let's please not talk about those of that generation in our family who ended up alcoholics or with serious eating disorders or etc, etc.) And also better than parenting the way those in our extended family who had no children yet thought we should because, clearly, they know best.

 

I am convinced that the Hive, having never met my family, is capable of providing better parenting advice when needed than 90% of the people DH and I are related to that HAVE met our family!

[OneStepAtATime]

Absolutely!

 

It is also much better than just parenting the way our extended family who had kids two-three or 50 decades ago parented just because the generation they raised up survived it. (But let's please not talk about those of that generation in our family who ended up alcoholics or with serious eating disorders or etc, etc.) And also better than parenting the way those in our extended family who had no children yet thought we should because, clearly, they know best.

 

I am convinced that the Hive, having never met my family, is capable of providing better parenting advice when needed than 90% of the people DH and I are related to that HAVE met our family!

:lol:

[kitten18]

Just don't turn into Michelle Duggar. She's so calm and pleasant all the time that I secretly wonder if she's constantly medicated. ;)

 

I mean, seriously, can anyone be that mellow all the time? :eek:

My MIL is that sweet and mellow all the time. I feel like an ogre if I compare myself to her.

[Catwoman]

My MIL is that sweet and mellow all the time. I feel like an ogre if I compare myself to her.

Check for Valium in her nightstand. ;)

[Catwoman]

I AM OUT OF LIKES ALREADY. :glare:

 

So if I didn't like your post and you figure I would usually like it, consider yourself liked.

 

I hate it when I run out of likes. I feel rude when I can't like stuff.

[Χά�ων]

But what does that mean?  I don't really understand what that means.  Does that mean that everyone has to agree to everything before anything is done?  

Pretty much IME. 

 

 

I am serious when I say that they only families I know who are strict followers of the style mom is a doormat and slave to the kids. The reason was that when it came time to clean up the kitchen the kids did not want to and were allowed to make that choice. Or do laundry. Or clean. Those things have to be done and that leaves, mom. 

 

When it comes to what to do outside of the house there has to be full agreement. If two of the kids are outdoorsy sports types but the third is a chess whiz. Guess who wins the Saturday afternoon family outing?

 

I actually yelled at a child of one NCP-CL family who was hitting my son when he was 4 and she 7. I was on the other side the room making my way towards them. Mom just stood by and stared. She was a few feet from them when it happened. To be fair the girl had a mental illness that was untreated due to the families belief that western medicine was the root cause of all illness. I suspected, but cannot prove, that the father was abusive to the mom and I wonder if there were some major issues with the mom's mental health as well. I just cannot fathom standing a few feet away and watching your 7 year old punch a 4 year old. She was the only child my son specifically refused to have anything to do with and asked not to go to events if she was there. 

 

I was forever branded a horrible person because I raised my voice to tell her to stop instead of calming walking over and talking to her abut how her current actions were making my son feel. Good grief. I get that at 7 impulse control is not fully developed and that some 7 year olds have trouble with communication but their right to swing their fist ends at the tip of my child's nose. And since my child is still, a child, it is my job to step in and protect him. I was to far to physically stop it so I used my voice. 

[sunnyday]

But what does that mean?  I don't really understand what that means.  Does that mean that everyone has to agree to everything before anything is done?  

 

Basically, yes, as I understand it.

[Χά�ων]

I AM OUT OF LIKES ALREADY. :glare:

 

So if I didn't like your post and you figure I would usually like it, consider yourself liked.

 

I hate it when I run out of likes. I feel rude when I can't like stuff.

Ditto. 

[Catwoman]

Ditto.

Under normal circumstances, I would have liked that.

[Joanne]

My reply from the other thread:

 

 

 

I'm not fond of the title "gentle parenting"; it is a bit of a misnomer and it conjures images of a saccharine sweet mom pleading with a child.

 

I'm equally not fond of "positive" parenting, it has a similarly inaccurate implication.

 

My parenting (my parenting and the type of parenting I write about, teach about, and endorse professionally) is one that embraces a firm model with related, reasonable, respectful consequences. In my parenting classes, I don't encourage parents to "show who is boss." Parents make the food, medical, schedule, educational, budget decisions. It is clear they ARE boss. I think comparisons to other relationships are limited in applicableness; the parent/child relationship is unique. I am not the police, the government, a supervisor, a professor, a peer or "the world" to my children. In formulating and developing my role with my kids, I am definitely in charge. But, in my use of that power, I don't impose arbitrary or unrelated consequences. I don't burden my kids with cumbersome or unnecessary rules. I don't burden them with the responsibility of keeping themselves safe (as in expecting obedience for safety issues). I am judicious and careful about when I expect automatic compliance - so that my children neither become mommy deaf nor robots.

 

When I do say and insist on something, I mean it. My kids know I mean it because I follow through and I make my commands meaningful, necessary, and not constant.

 

My parenting choices are informed by research, my own quirky idea of prayer/meditation, observation, knowledge of developmental realities and each individual personality in conjunction with our current life context.

 

I did not spank, did not use traditional time outs, and I don't think they have ever been grounded. OTOH, they have been removed from play, from events, had certain media removed for related offenses, have had to fix and/or pay for things, have made verbal and life amends. When they were younger, we role played, practiced, did do-overs, I used "asked and answered", code words, learning through literature. I used structure and ritual, and connection, and playfulness. They have/had chores, were expected to complete things like classes or sports commitments, assisted with side jobs of adults, family businesses. Our life context dictated some accelerated growing in terms of shopping, budget, cooking, companioning ill adults.

 

I know have one adult (ostensibly ;)), a late teen and a mid teen. I have NO regrets about the type of parenting I chose. I don't really label it anymore, but I used to identify with AP/alternative. I have observed poor parenting in many groups. But, in general? I have observed the vast majority are reasonable, adequate or better.

[OneStepAtATime]

Pretty much IME. 

 

 

I am serious when I say that they only families I know who are strict followers of the style mom is a doormat and slave to the kids. The reason was that when it came time to clean up the kitchen the kids did not want to and were allowed to make that choice. Or do laundry. Or clean. Those things have to be done and that leaves, mom. 

 

When it comes to what to do outside of the house there has to be full agreement. If two of the kids are outdoorsy sports types but the third is a chess whiz. Guess who wins the Saturday afternoon family outing?

 

I actually yelled at a child of one NCP-CL family who was hitting my son when he was 4 and she 7. I was on the other side the room making my way towards them. Mom just stood by and stared. She was a few feet from them when it happened. To be fair the girl had a mental illness that was untreated due to the families belief that western medicine was the root cause of all illness. I suspected, but cannot prove, that the father was abusive to the mom and I wonder if there were some major issues with the mom's mental health as well. I just cannot fathom standing a few feet away and watching your 7 year old punch a 4 year old. She was the only child my son specifically refused to have anything to do with and asked not to go to events if she was there. 

 

I was forever branded a horrible person because I raised my voice to tell her to stop instead of calming walking over and talking to her abut how her current actions were making my son feel. Good grief. I get that at 7 impulse control is not fully developed and that some 7 year olds have trouble with communication but their right to swing their fist ends at the tip of my child's nose. And since my child is still, a child, it is my job to step in and protect him. I was to far to physically stop it so I used my voice. 

Oh.my.goodness.

 

I guarantee if my child is punching another child I will intervene.  Talking comes AFTER the child is no longer being punched!  And if I am not right there, able to intervene physically, I will definitely be yelling at my child to stop and would HOPE that someone else would intervene if I am not there to try and stop the situation.  Good grief!  Your poor kid.  That is disturbing that she couldn't see the need to intervene in the first place or to accept that since she wouldn't then you had to.  :glare:

[Katy]

 

I was forever branded a horrible person because I raised my voice to tell her to stop instead of calming walking over and talking to her abut how her current actions were making my son feel. Good grief. I get that at 7 impulse control is not fully developed and that some 7 year olds have trouble with communication but their right to swing their fist ends at the tip of my child's nose. And since my child is still, a child, it is my job to step in and protect him. I was to far to physically stop it so I used my voice. 

 

I've been SO HAPPY to be branded a horrible person by parents like that.  I really don't want my children anywhere near people like that.

[OneStepAtATime]

I AM OUT OF LIKES ALREADY. :glare:

 

So if I didn't like your post and you figure I would usually like it, consider yourself liked.

 

I hate it when I run out of likes. I feel rude when I can't like stuff.

Me, too, on a regular basis.  Ugh!  So many people with great comments.  I hate having to carefully farm out likes.

[OneStepAtATime]

FWIW, my mom spanked me one time.  I was six.  I was in the downstairs hallway.  I do not remember at all what I did wrong.  I did not normally get spanked although Dad would threaten to upon occasion when he was tired and grumpy and not dealing well with kids running around the house playing.  He didn't follow through, though.   Mom was not the type at all.  I really don't know what happened.  But I remember that spanking.  And how utterly horrified and betrayed and vulnerable and frightened I felt.  I kept wondering how bad I must be for my loving mother who always talked to me and cuddled me and supported me to now feel she had to hit me.  I was devastated.

 

 As a parent myself I have never, ever felt I had to hit my kids.  And I never will.  That day did not teach me to not do or do whatever I was doing or not doing because I don't even recall the circumstances.  That day taught me that hitting another person who is smaller and weaker than you can be really traumatic, frightening and confusing.  Mom does not remember what happened the day I got spanked, either.  We have talked about it.  She tends to block out the bad stuff so I guess it wasn't a terribly pleasant moment for her, either.  But she really feels awful that it happened and wishes she had some explanation for why she chose that action to deal with whatever was happening.  I am just really grateful she didn't do it again.

[Χά�ων]

Under normal circumstances, I would have liked that.

Ditto

[mommymilkies]

I AM OUT OF LIKES ALREADY. :glare:

 

So if I didn't like your post and you figure I would usually like it, consider yourself liked.

 

I hate it when I run out of likes. I feel rude when I can't like stuff.

Me, too. :(

[OneStepAtATime]

Likes keep trickling in, but I will never catch up.  There are too many posts to like....

[Ravin]

Here's another way to define different parenting types--with Game of Thrones analogies! (Please note, I should be studying Business Organizations right now):

 

Authoritarian parenting = Tywin Lannister's approach

 

Non-coercive parenting = Lysa Arryn, Cersei Lannister

 

Authoritative parenting = Eddard and Catelyn Stark

 

Gentle Parenting = probably no one in Westeros.

[NoseInABook]

I do consider myself to be a gentle parent but to say I'm not a strict one would be incorrect. I'm firm with my kids and I do expect them to follow basic rules that are age appropriate. Most of the time conversation and natural consequences are the discipline techniques of the day here.