Jump to content

Menu

Any Other Gentle Parenters out there?


Recommended Posts

  • Replies 105
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Yup.

 

I didn't realize how "not strict" I was until I joined this forum.

 

One thing, though -- I only have one child, and I would assume that it's different when you have several children, because somebody has to be in charge and rules and routines are probably more important to everyone's sanity. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yep, although I've had my moments. it isn't always without its challenges to have empathy, understanding and respect for the people you raise 24/7. But yes, that was the parenting philosophy I came in with.

Same here.

 

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not one of those Michelle Duggar types who smiles all day and never, ever raises her voice even the teensiest-tiniest little bit, but I try to be kind, fair, and reasonable -- and to be a big enough person to apologize when I've messed up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lots and lots. You'll find us on the spanking threads in the archives. We're the ones agin' it. :p

 

I'm not as vocal about attachment parenting, including gentle discipline (as opposed to arbitrary, punitive, or retaliatory methods), as I used to be because my kids are older. Breast feeding doesn't come up much when all your kids are teens. I mean, not even to grudgingly give me credit for being right all those years when I said I was sure they'd wean before college! And, thank The Lord, the advice to hit my kids for infractions tapered off when they got as tall as me.

 

I put in a good 15 years' worth of advocacy online and IRL. Nowadays I am mostly ignoring things I used to answer, just because I can't spare the emotional investment during these busiest years of my kids' childhood. All my energy is on this job. I think that's where a lot of the other older WTM gentle parents are these days, too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I've got three, which is small by WTM standards but on the larger side where I live. We definitely have rhythms and the kids know I'm ultimately "in charge", unless I explicitly leave someone else in charge ( now, with big kids, it's dd16 ) but we don't have rules as such and I'm not The Authority, kwim ?

That makes sense.

 

Now that I think about it, my brother and SIL had 4 kids and neither one of them was the authoritarian type, and all of their kids turned out just fine -- and believe me, they weren't the shy wallflower types who would have been afraid to ask their dad why he'd left his socks on the floor. ;)

 

I think I've been absorbed by The Hive or something, because now a family with four kids doesn't even seem large to me any more -- and it used to seem HUGE before I started coming here. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's true, that as the kids get older, it's just the way you live. And I do tend to mostly associate 'gentle parenting' with the under 5 crowd.

Yeah I will agree that the focus is on the under 5 crowd but I am noticing that there seems to be a a mindset of the kids are evil as they get get older and need to be shown who is boss as they are on the verge of being more independent as tweens.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I aspire to gentle parenting, and it has seemed to get more challenging with each new child.  Neither DH nor myself are really good at maintaining strict routines (he doesn't even like to sit at the same place at the dinner table every night!) I really try to meet everyone's needs with a lot of empathy and teach the kids to interact that way as well, but there's so many darn needs and they all conflict with each other!  It's exhausting and I yell sometimes.  That's why I used the word aspire.   :001_smile: I think we're done after four, so I'm counting on things getting easier as my baby 3 year old approaches becoming less physically needy (potty training and weaning, we're close).  Of course, the emotional needs of my 11 year old are getting more complicated, so maybe that's a pipe dream.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I started out less gentle than I am now...but I was never on the super strict, spanking side of the spectrum. We have seven (youngest one starting high school next year...eek!) so we do have routines and rules and bedtimes, to retain my sanity and have a modicum of order around here. The kids have chores and schoolwork they are expected to do. They respect us, but we also respect them. It isn't perfect. I lose my cool sometimes.

 

In the extremely strict families I have known, they have either become more relaxed or...things didn't turn out so well with their kids. Running away, being estranged from parents, and as younger kids, lying and sneaking around to get away with things.

 

One friend thought I should be spanking my then one-year-old for getting into the potted plant. I just moved the plant out of reach. My husband and I do have parental authority, but that doesn't mean being iron-fisted and showing the kids who's boss with a show of force.

 

I think they learn more by having good behavior and attitudes and values modeled, and by having age appropriate discussions about why certain things are right or wrong.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Same here.

 

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not one of those Michelle Duggar types who smiles all day and never, ever raises her voice even the teensiest-tiniest little bit, but I try to be kind, fair, and reasonable -- and to be a big enough person to apologize when I've messed up.

 

This pretty much sums me up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I remembered vividly when I was growing up that Mom always talked to me with respect.  She also always knocked on my door before entering.  I knew I couldn't tell her she couldn't come in but the fact that she knocked first was huge for me.  Any rule she gave for our household made sense and she followed those rules, too.  She was fair and considerate.  I wanted so badly to show her respect in return and to listen to what she had to say because I knew she listened when I had something to say.  I do think life would have been a bit easier for me as an adult if we had had more structure and more life responsibilities in our own home.  Bro and I were encouraged to work on academics, not life skills.  But Mom taught me the value of people, no matter their age and stage.  And I am grateful.  I have tried to pass that on to my kids, too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've actually had to become more strict over time, because my kid need me to. But gentle is definitely my starting point, and other than time outs to cool off, generally I find I parent best through communication, not coercion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I started out less gentle than I am now...but I was never on the super strict, spanking side of the spectrum. We have seven (youngest one starting high school next year...eek!) so we do have routines and rules and bedtimes, to retain my sanity and have a modicum of order around here. The kids have chores and schoolwork they are expected to do. They respect us, but we also respect them. It isn't perfect. I lose my cool sometimes.

 

In the extremely strict families I have known, they have either become more relaxed or...things didn't turn out so well with their kids. Running away, being estranged from parents, and as younger kids, lying and sneaking around to get away with things.

 

One friend thought I should be spanking my then one-year-old for getting into the potted plant. I just moved the plant out of reach. My husband and I do have parental authority, but that doesn't mean being iron-fisted and showing the kids who's boss with a show of force.

 

I think they learn more by having good behavior and attitudes and values modeled, and by having age appropriate discussions about why certain things are right or wrong.

 

This is me, basically. 

 

I started out thinking I needed to be strict and authoritarian, because that's how my parents (especially my father) were with me.  I realized very quickly that was not only not the way to go, but that I had the freedom to do it differently.   I just didn't want to be that way, so I'm not.

 

Ironically, I still considered myself pretty strict until very recently.  Someone asked my kids if I was a strict parent and they both said no, without missing a beat.  It took me by surprise, but I don't know why.  I'm really just not.  Not that they never have any consequences, because they do.  They're usually just natural and reasonable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I start out sort of Mary Poppins with my littles--the Julie Andrews version as opposed to the book version, lol.  Firm and no nonsense with very clear expectations and a sprinkling of fun (and a lot of affection).  Mutual respect is expected and modeled.  As they outgrow the need for a short leash, I try to tie greater responsibility to greater privilege.  I have very little need to scold, punish, or nag my preteens or my teens.  I'm warm and talk a lot and naturally give reasons before they are asked for, but I will call out stalling, avoidance or disrespect. I probably come off more strict than I am here, because I mostly talk about how I parent my younger kids rather than my older ones. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you go by this set of rules, then I'm at about 9 or 10 out of 14.  I am definitely understanding, empathetic, and respectful towards my kids, but I do praise and reward them when I see fit and I do expect them to treat me and all adults with respect - whether earned or not.  And I believe that after a certain age there are deliberate "bad behaviors".  Everything else I pretty much agree with.

 

page0001.jpg?w=582&h=823

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I find we've gotten more collaborative.

Mine is 10 but yeah we work as a team on most things and talk to make sure all needs are met.

Same here. :)

 

I have no patience for the concept that kids have to jump through hoops just because their parents tell them they have to do it, and they have no input into family decisions.

 

And don't even get me started on the whole idea of kids having to respect and never question any adult for the sole reason that they are children and adults are adults. :glare: I have seen many people post about that in the past, and it makes no sense at all to me. I mean, it's bad enough that the poor kid is the low man on the totem pole at home, but he also has to be sweet and compliant and "seen but not heard" with every other adult, as well. Aside from the fact that I can see a lot of potential for abuse in situations like that, but I also think it seriously hinders the kid's ability to interact with adults on an equal level, both now and in the future. I want to raise a leader, not a follower.

 

As a personal example, many of you know that my dh is dealing with serious health issues and we have been to many doctors and liver transplant centers to find out the available treatments and options. Our ds14 goes to every appointment with us. He is as free as my dh and I to question the doctors and ask for more information or a more specific explanation. It has never occurred to us that he would be too young to be included. Every decision we make involves his life as much as ours, and his input is crucial to us. As for the doctors, all but one have been very good about answering ds's questions and several have commented on how polite he is, and how he asks intelligent questions. We've had more than a few of them suggest to ds that he consider becoming a doctor one day, but ds assures them that he's only interested in medicine right now because he wants to understand what's going on with his dad. :) But if we had raised him not to question authority or if we had led him to believe that adults were more important than he is, I'm sure he wouldn't have the nerve to be as outgoing and inquisitive as he is.

 

My dh always says that he was a shy kid himself, and that he is so glad that ds is outgoing, confident, and assertive, yet is able to walk away from conversations with people thinking he's polite and pleasant, not an obnoxious brat.

 

I guess it's all in the delivery... ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In the extremely strict families I have known, they have either become more relaxed or...things didn't turn out so well with their kids. Running away, being estranged from parents, and as younger kids, lying and sneaking around to get away with things.

 

Several of my cousins' lives have been pretty much ruined by the overly strict, authoritarian parenting they received.  In recent years I've watched my uncle and aunt struggle to deal with the harm their parenting caused.  Watching it unfold while I was growing up, and contrasting it to my rather easy going parents . . . it wasn't hard for me to decide which parenting style I was going to emulate.  Not at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I remembered vividly when I was growing up that Mom always talked to me with respect.  She also always knocked on my door before entering.  I knew I couldn't tell her she couldn't come in but the fact that she knocked first was huge for me.  Any rule she gave for our household made sense and she followed those rules, too.  She was fair and considerate.  I wanted so badly to show her respect in return and to listen to what she had to say because I knew she listened when I had something to say.  I do think life would have been a bit easier for me as an adult if we had had more structure and more life responsibilities in our own home.  Bro and I were encouraged to work on academics, not life skills.  But Mom taught me the value of people, no matter their age and stage.  And I am grateful.  I have tried to pass that on to my kids, too.

I remember my mom being generally respectful as well. Although she wasn't always the most warm and I also had wished that my parents had given some structure at times. It is funny that I see her with my niece and nephews and she can be a bit harsh IMO, harsher than she was with me (or that I remember) but she was never home full-time with us and she is with them. 

 

I *try* to treat the kids how I would like to be treated. I try to be respectful. I would like to think I usually do a good job but I'm not perfect and I try to keep my humility. My dh is inclined to be much more authoritarian than me but is slowly coming around, he sees that ruling by power doesn't work so well as the kids get older and working together leads to a much more peaceful house and kids that respectful and helpful because they want to be, not have to be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am a "whatever works" kind of parent. We are not authoritarian or lax in this home.

Totally! It is like with hs'ing I find that when I try ot hard to fit in some box then I'm not true to myself. Now we are definitely on the more gentle end of the spectrum, especially in my own area but on-line, well it is all relative.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

. See the quote in my siggy.

 

I'm with Tibbie. I don't talk about it much now, unless it's a young mom trying to understand how/if gentle parenting "works."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yup.

 

I didn't realize how "not strict" I was until I joined this forum.

 

One thing, though -- I only have one child, and I would assume that it's different when you have several children, because somebody has to be in charge and rules and routines are probably more important to everyone's sanity. :)

 

Yes, the sibling dynamic, particularly when there are a number of siblings involved, can change parenting style considerably.  I was the mom of an only for 4 years. Because there were so many years between my oldest and the rest of her younger sisters and brother, she was raised very much in the manner you describe downthread, even as she got older.  It's easy to give one or even two children say in things like family moves or vacations or health care.  But as we continued having children, things had to change. If you give 4 or 6 or 8 children equal say in everything you'll never get anything done. Some children can have say some of the time, but all children cannot possibly have an equal voice.  Children get into a lot more trouble when they have partners in crime. They give each other ideas.  Everyone emulates the ones in front of them, so you can't really let things slide.  You have to project an image of having things under control, kind of like in a classroom.  And you have the whole other dimension of sibling rivalry and relationship building to manage.  The older ones appreciate that I keep the younger ones in line and in return, they entertain them and babysit them and help take some of the daily pressure from me.

 

Permissive (overly indulgent) and authoritarian (overly restrictive, punitive) styles each come with their own sets of negative outcomes.  The authoritative parenting style, which I think is the heading the majority of the parents on this board fall under, can present in a wide variety of flavors each on its own spectrum according to family circumstances.  Misunderstandings can happen between people on the far opposite ends of the authoritative spectrum.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yup.

 

I didn't realize how "not strict" I was until I joined this forum.

 

One thing, though -- I only have one child, and I would assume that it's different when you have several children, because somebody has to be in charge and rules and routines are probably more important to everyone's sanity. :)

 

 Based on some of the things I read on this forum, we are also very, very not strict and I have 6 kids   ( not all still living at home) .  I think it depends a lot on what the 'rules' are.

 

For instance, we really only have one rule: When it is at all within your ability to do so, do not inconvenience anyone else.

 

That's it. Just that one - but as you might imagine, that one covers a lot of ground.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've never been a directive person, mostly just easygoing and I find it easy to put myself in a child's shoes and see their point of view. I have had to become more authoritative as my family has grown just to keep the household functioning.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Same here. I don't think we really fit any of the parenting style "labels." We just do what works for us as a family.

Me, too.  And each of my kids needs a bit different technique, if you will.  Sometimes I am cognizant of that and things go relatively smoothly.  Sometimes I am not and things go...less smoothly.  :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I remember reading on old unschooling forums, when I was trying to figure out what the heck unschooling was, about non-coercive parenting. Those folks did not believe in making a child do anything if he didn't want to, not even brush his teeth. If they couldn't talk the child into it, child didn't do it.

 

One person asked about this scenario: what if a young child insists on wearing perfume but that will cause a sibling to have an asthma attack? Would you prevent the child from wearing the perfume? Some of those parents said, well, we would reason with the child. But in the end, the kid got to decide. Even if it caused his sibling to have an asthma attack.

 

Anything can be taken to a crazy extreme.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've never been a directive person, mostly just easygoing and I find it easy to put myself in a child's shoes and see their point of view. I have had to become more authoritative as my family has grown just to keep the household functioning.

I see authoritative as different than authoritarian. When someone is authoritative, people are looking to them as a good source of information, an expert so to speak. They have authority because they've earned it. Whereas I see authoritarian as more dogmatic and controlling. Taking authority rather than being endowed with it through your track record.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That is WHY I said gentle parenting, and did not indicate anything about NCP. 

 

They two are different. 

Aw, well I wasn't sure when I answered. I do consider us gentle and really identified with the AP/GD crowd when I started out but now it is just parenting for the most part and I don't think about it too much. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We are actually close to the 'radical unschooling' end of gentle parenting. I am a wheelchair user, and can't actually physically make DS do anything, so we talk things through a LOT, and we have a big focus on responsibility around health and safety. He is very proud to be trusted to make good choices for himself, and also trusts my counsel when I offer suggestions or background information. Oftentimes when I give him instructions, we have already talked this particular scenario over (and over and over), so it will look like I just give orders and he follows blindly. I have had many strangers comment on how "obedient" he is. *rollseyes*

 

Ultimately, I try to be mindful of the power differential inherent in our relationship, in order to prioritise meaningful connection over any of the "virtues" you might find people aspiring to on behalf of our children.

 

Eta: no crazy extremes here! I promise it's not as whacky as it sounds ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I see authoritative as different than authoritarian. When someone is authoritative, people are looking to them as a good source of information, an expert so to speak. They have authority because they've earned it. Whereas I see authoritarian as more dogmatic and controlling. Taking authority rather than being endowed with it through your track record.

I was using authoritative as discussed here: http://psychology.about.com/od/childcare/f/authoritative-parenting.htm

 

This is what I aim for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband and I aspire to be gentle parents, though I definitely need to work on my temper.

Just don't turn into Michelle Duggar. She's so calm and pleasant all the time that I secretly wonder if she's constantly medicated. ;)

 

I mean, seriously, can anyone be that mellow all the time? :eek:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Aw, well I wasn't sure when I answered. I do consider us gentle and really identified with the AP/GD crowd when I started out but now it is just parenting for the most part and I don't think about it too much. 

I understand completely. It is not something I think about, it is something I do. But with the recent trends on here...

 

I have a limited experience with those claiming NCP/CL and that experience is that the louder they scream how awesome it is the crazier they are. While I do not punish, I cannot imagine in any scenario where I would stand by and allow an older child (10 and up) to do something that will intentionally cause harm to another, especially is the other is younger and smaller. I am aware that this is not the norm among most like-minded folks. I also fully recognize that when it comes down to it I am more along the lines of NCP/CL than anything else, but that one incident will forever be burned into my memory and will always hop to the front whenever that term is mentioned. 

 

I much prefer the term Gentle Parenting and I view myself as a more experienced partner to help my son learn to navigate the world around him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's true, that as the kids get older, it's just the way you live. And I do tend to mostly associate 'gentle parenting' with the under 5 crowd.

It does seem like most of the books, articles, and general buzz out there about gentle parenting concern the 5 and under kids. But I think there is a need for more discussion of gently parenting teens. I know parents who joke that if your teen doesn't hate you, you're doing it wrong. But the joke comes from an authoritarian type mindset/approach. Right now, it is an absolute breeze for me to parent my 14yo non-punitively, gently, cooperatively, etc. But I am concerned about my ability to handle the challenges that are going to come with the later teen years.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It does seem like most of the books, articles, and general buzz out there about gentle parenting concern the 5 and under kids. But I think there is a need for more discussion of gently parenting teens. I know parents who joke that if your teen doesn't hate you, you're doing it wrong. But the joke comes from an authoritarian type mindset/approach. Right now, it is an absolute breeze for me to parent my 14yo non-punitively, gently, cooperatively, etc. But I am concerned about my ability to handle the challenges that are going to come with the later teen years.

I agree with the bolded. My son is 10 I have a few years to really worry about the teen years. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with the bolded. My son is 10 I have a few years to really worry about the teen years. :)

:) Well you've got some some wonderful years in your near future. For me, parenting a 10-14 year old has been the most joyful by far. And I hope that in four more years I'll be saying the same about parenting a 10-18 year old! Of course my life was filled with love and joy from the moment I found out I was pregnant. But these last few years have just been such a blast. I love hanging out with my kid. She is awesome.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest submarines

I'm not a naturally gentle / patient person, so I'm not perfect, but our philosophy of parenting is "gentle parenting", even if I'm not always "gentle." :smilielol5:

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...