s/o Do I have to be happy with birth announcement?

[Lisa R.]

The latest thread on a sweet mom not wanting to hear discouraging remarks and attitudes with her happy birth announcement got me thinking. This thread is NOT about her. It just got me thinking.

 

I'm hoping we can have an interesting and kind discussion as this can often be a hot topic!

 

This is purely hypothetical; none of my children are married. As far as I know, grandchildren are still many years in the future.

 

I've read a magazine in the past out of curiosity. This magazine's editor and writers are quiverfull. This means they hold to the belief that couples should never use birth control and allow God to control their family size. I do not agree with this belief. As a Christian, I think this is extra-Biblical teaching and strongly disagree with it. The magazine contains first-person articles, some quite extreme, in which moms write about adding another baby when the doctor says it is life-threatening, adding another baby to a large family when husband is low income with little possibility of increasing income, adding another baby to a large family when family relies on others to help them with groceries and fixing their one van, adding another baby to a large family when mom struggles with low energy and depression and so on. Many of the authors of these articles have 7+ children and speak of the joy of adding more in spite of often extreme circumstances. 

 

I do think that this magazine has used some very extreme stories so people reading will think, "Well, if *these* people in these circumstances can consider adding to their family, I can certainly do it."

 

Again, I don't want to digress to a discussion about this magazine or quiverfull philosophy. I just show this as an example of stories I've read where I, personally, find these families irresponsible. If my child was in this circumstance, am I expected to be happy at the news of a new baby? 

 

Here's what I think:

 

-Rude comments are always unacceptable, regardless of circumstances.

-Congratulations is always the right response.

-Opinions about whether a family should have another child or not are not acceptable and no one's business. If I disagree with them having another child, I would not voice this opinion.

-Once the baby is born, he/she should be welcomed with open arms by the family, relatives, and friends.

 

But....it is too much for a parent (the future grandparent) to be expected to be *happy* at this news of their son or daughter having a baby if this future grandparent holds the opinion this is  irresponsible or poor decision-making? 

 

Again, this is such a personal issue. I'm just wondering aloud if I'll be expected act joyfully regarding my adult children's decisions when I disagree or need more time to process these decisions. Is this too much for adult children to expect?

 

Here's hoping that all of the above continues to be hypothetical, and my kids all make wise and wonderful decisions for the rest of their lives. :)

 

 

[Liz CA]

A grandparent does not need to be "happy" but needs to know that the decision to have or not have a child is not the grandparent's. If I was a grandmother I could be concerned over all kinds of things but I need to smile and be supportive when I get the news.

Of course, I could not be "happy" if I saw huge red flags for all kinds of reasons as your post uses as examples.

 

The difference is simply that my "unhappiness" or "concern" does not need to be obvious, much less be verbalized. There are things we all need to keep to ourselves somtimes, especially when the alternative is hurt and alienation at a time when a young woman needs, above all, support. Nothing constuctive is accomplished by making the kind of remarks that the other OP feared.

[freesia]

A grandparent does not need to be "happy" but needs to know that the decision to have or not have a child is not the grandparent's. If I was a grandmother I could be concerned over all kinds of things but I need to smile and be supportive when I get the news.

Of course, I could not be "happy" if I saw huge red flags for all kinds of reasons as your post uses as examples.

 

The difference is simply that my "unhappiness" or "concern" does not need to be obvious, much less be verbalized. There are things we all need to keep to ourselves somtimes, especially when the alternative is hurt and alienation at a time when a young woman needs, above all, support. Nothing constuctive is accomplished by making the kind of remarks that the other OP feared.

I agree.

 

I used to think my parents should be happy about everything I do. With maturity I've realized that they have a right to disagree or disapprove and the fact that they disagree or disapprove does not have to effect my self-esteem. The fact they disagree doesn't effect their love for me.

 

These points of the OP:

 

 

-Rude comments are always unacceptable, regardless of circumstances.

 

-Congratulations is always the right response.

 

-Opinions about whether a family should have another child or not are not acceptable and no one's business. If I disagree with them having another child, I would not voice this opinion.

 

-Once the baby is born, he/she should be welcomed with open arms by the family, relatives, and friends.

 

are key, however. I also think it is unacceptable to call all the in-laws and complain about the choice. It is more constructive to pray.

[gardenmom5]

if a person can't bestow congratulations - they can always give their best wishes.

 

 

[Spryte]

 

 

-Rude comments are always unacceptable, regardless of circumstances.

-Congratulations is always the right response.

-Opinions about whether a family should have another child or not are not acceptable and no one's business. If I disagree with them having another child, I would not voice this opinion.

-Once the baby is born, he/she should be welcomed with open arms by the family, relatives, and friends.

 

But....it is too much for a parent (the future grandparent) to be expected to be *happy* at this news of their son or daughter having a baby if this future grandparent holds the opinion this is  irresponsible or poor decision-making? 

 

 

 

I agree with the above.  And I also think that it's difficult for a parent to be "happy" about what one sees as a poor life choice.  We can be supportive, we can be loving, but it would be hard to be thrilled in all circumstances.  I think expecting someone else to be "happy" is too much, but expecting kindness and (emotional) support from family is appropriate.

 

In particular, I'm thinking of a family member who rushed into marriage, despite being advised/asked to wait till college graduation, then 2 years later announced a pregnancy (still before college graduation).  This person never did graduate, partly as a result of that pregnancy (at least, that's the excuse that is used), and it has impacted his ability to provide for his family for the past almost 20 years.  His parents met the news with white faces (the kind where the mom needs a chair and a glass of water) and then they rallied around him.  While they were supportive and loving, they were sad to see their son making the choice he did, especially so close to graduation.  Another person, perhaps, would have graduated and gone to grad school as planned, but it was clear that this particular person would not.    

[Trish]

Well, I guess you'd make the best of it and be polite. If you didn't think your child should join the military, it's one thing to discuss if with them while still in decision-making mode. After they've signed the papers, do you put a puss on your face, or look on the bright side? Same with buying a house. Do you cheerfully help them move to a home you think wasn't the right choice, or not help, or put on a long face so they are reminded that you don't approve?

 

As with many things in life, fake it until you make it.

 

Especially when the *issue* is a little human who is related to you.

 

 

[Tap]

I was pg at 22 to my boyfriend of over 3 years.  We got married a few months later and just celebrated our 20th anniversary. Of my mom's 11 grandchildren, only 2 were conceived after marriage, so this isn't uncommon in our family.   My mom wasn't happy about it, but after getting over the initial shock, she came around and was at least supportive.  She didn't really care about me being pregnant, we have lots of teen moms in our family, just that we hadn't got around to getting married first (we were in the process of buying a house and wanted to get married after that due to $$).  While I understand why she wasn't happy, it has always been lowlight of announcing our 1st pregnancy, and her initial reaction will always make me sad when I think about it.

 

I try to remember that when I hear of any pregnancy.  First impressions matter/first comments matter.  Especially in a situation where someone knows the family has quiverfull values (we are not).  Knowing ahead of time that the family believes in the quiverfull way of life, gives the person hearing of a new baby  a chance to be well prepared to come up with pleasantries to have in mind to share with the new couple, no matter what is going on inside their mind.

 

 

I got to put this though process in to work, when I was helping a new grandma last week.  She was coming from the hospital where her 13 yo daughter just delivered a baby.  Grandma has 6 kids herself and the new baby was a surprise for certain.  I wanted to cry for her, but I did my best to be positive and upbeat.  Wishing them all well.  A few days ago I got to meet mom and see pictures of the baby.  You can see the stress behind the smiles, but they are managing.  Baby is doing well, mama has had some complications from being so young but will hopefully be okay. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[zoobie]

You can't force yourself to be happy. You can force yourself to be polite. However, with this sort of announcement, there's a life involved. Hopefully you (theoretical you) would be *happy* about the existence of this person in your life and not take the disappointment you may have regarding the decision-making skills of his/her parents out on the child, who didn't ask to be brought into existence.

[SproutMamaK]

No, you don't have to be happy. You do, however, have to be kind and supportive, and it sounds like you get that. There's a place and time to express doubts and misgivings about the situation, but that place isn't to the parents of the baby or mutual friends/relatives (I would think for most people it would be to your spouse), and the time is not at the announcement.

[SKL]

Well, I'm not sure what the point of being unhappy would be.

 

I am always happy for a new life.  That does not mean I would have chosen to create that new life if it were in my control.

 

I think your question is going to apply to many of the decisions your kids make regarding their kids.  You can spend your life cringing, or choose to accept and get along with the people you love.

[Wilma]

I think the recipient of the pregnancy news should take into account the feelings of the news delivery person AND the pregnant mama, if they're different people.

 

So, "Oh, geez, Mom, I'm so scared about this!" would met with a different reaction (kind, caring, comforting) than, say, "We're so excited about a new baby in the family!" which should only be met with the happiest words one can deliver, whatever the circumstance.   When I was pregnant the first time, I was the scared and slightly horrified pregnant lady (we were married, responsible people, but still...).

[Trish]

You can't force yourself to be happy. You can force yourself to be polite. However, with this sort of announcement, there's a life involved. Hopefully you (theoretical you) would be *happy* about the existence of this person in your life and not take the disappointment you may have regarding the decision-making skills of his/her parents out on the child, who didn't ask to be brought into existence.

 

Just sort of ruminating on the fact that of my parents' six kids, the ONLY one who remains in the town where they live is my sister, born last. They are in declining health but she is there for them. The rest of us are spread all over the country.

 

Also trying to imagine any of my grandparents criticizing the *decision-making skills* of my parents. No, I'm drawing a blank there when trying to imagine it. They were universally thrilled with all of their grandchildren, even the ones carrying the labels of "six"  and "seven."

 

Of course that was back in the day when everyone was rich beyond imagination...

 

 

 

[SKL]

I was talking to my kids the other day about creating new life before being ready to take care of another person, and mentioned that sometimes this happens by accident.  Ironically, my own kids were conceived by accident, and that is why they are mine.  So this sort of thing can never be black and white to me.

[PeachyDoodle]

<snip>

 

Again, this is such a personal issue. I'm just wondering aloud if I'll be expected act joyfully regarding my adult children's decisions when I disagree or need more time to process these decisions. Is this too much for adult children to expect?

 

<snip>

 

I think there's a distinction there. If you truly have concerns, and if you can potentially help the situation by voicing the concerns, then I think it is okay to gently do so, understanding that the adult child may or may not take your advice.

 

I don't see what it would help to express concern that the family can't support an additional child once they have announced the pregnancy -- what's done is done -- unless you are prepared to offer some type of assistance. Voicing your opinion about whether or not they should limit their family in general MIGHT make a difference in some situations, but I don't think it would be very appropriate timing to bring this up just after the announcement. I believe it would be better to find some joy in the situation and be as genuinely happy as possible.

 

Needing more time to process the decision is a different thing, IMO. When dh and I announced our pregnancy with dd, my mother's reaction was less than thrilling. She barely spoke to me for three days (it was Christmas, so she conveniently kept finding other things to do when I came into the room). We were 26, married 5 years, stable (financially and otherwise), and owned our home, so there was no reason for her to question our ability to be good parents. Her hesitation was purely about her readiness to become a grandmother. Within a week or so, she came around and then was genuinely excited, but her initial reaction shocked and hurt me. I was already nervous about becoming a mother, and I could have used some support. Instead, I wound up feeling like my mom thought I'd made a terrible mistake.

 

I guess my point is: If there is a true, objective reason to be concerned, it's okay to bring it up, but if your objections are really more about you than the situation, put on a happy face. This announcement is not about you (I mean the general you, not YOU, OP!). In the end, adults are adults, even if they used to be your children, and you have to let them make their own decisions and mistakes.

 

 

[Carrie12345]

I agree that opinions should be kept quiet and best wishes given, preferably with emotional support.

I know my first pregnancy was under less than ideal conditions, but it was still my first baby and a time I can never "re-do".  The clear disapproval I faced (until the baby was here, go figure) really took a lot away from what should have been one of the most special times of my life. Everyone else got to move on and pretend all was well, but I will always remember being shunned (okay, slight exaggeration, but close enough) during my child's impending arrival.

 

That's why I went out of my way to be as supportive as possible when 2 relatives announced untimely pregnancies.  Sadly, only 1 accepted that support. 

 

When I learned of the other's second pregnancy in even more dire circumstances (not directly from her) I just cried.  But I'm still available for support if it should be sought. And I'll just cry inside. :leaving:

[Lisa R.]

I hope the moderators are taking notice. We are having a discussion about family size and potential issues and EVERYONE is being civil. Extra points for board members today!

 

(I was nervous posting this topic today and am glad to see this is going well.)

 

Great discussion so far. Thanks.

[Danestress]

Well, I think many people will tell you that you don't have to be "happy"  but that you need to be nice/polite and not express your disapproval or concerns.  But in my experience, pregnant women can sniff out the least bit of 'less than thrilled' especially in their own mothers and MILs, and they will resent it, stew over it, and hold it against them even if the Grandmother to be did a pretty good job of feigning enthusiasm.

 

I would not let my "concern" show (or my disapproval or whatever).  This is especially true as a mother of sons.  Reading through past threads on this boards, one will find many comments to the tune of, "If she's not happy about it, I guess she doesn't need to see the baby" etc. 

 

Personally, I will probably feel pretty thrilled when I am a Grandma - haven't had the pleasure yet, but I look forward to that.  I can certainly imagine feeling worried about my son if he rapidly became the father of many and I knew he was stressed about that for any reason.  But truly, many OTHER people will express concern/make jokes/criticize the parents of many.  I think if you show 100% joy, your kids will still pick up from others that their choices have consequences,  not that they need anyone one to remind them of that.  It's not your job - let someone else make the comments or raise the eyebrows or whatever.  Grandma is probably the last person in the world who should do that, because she will be the most sad if she is shut out.

[Indian summer]

I wonder how many grandparents regret their initial response to such surprising news? I'm a person who isn't always on my game when it comes to surprises, so while I don't think I'd say anything stupid, I can imagine that the sheer shock of the news could be enough to throw people off, leading to a less than appropriate reaction.

[Indian summer]

I hope the moderators are taking notice. We are having a discussion about family size and potential issues and EVERYONE is being civil. Extra points for board members today!

 

(I was nervous posting this topic today and am glad to see this is going well.)

 

Great discussion so far. Thanks.

This. And it sounds like none of us here will be THAT MIL! Lol!

[Jean in Newcastle]

You never have to deny your emotions or opinions - to yourself, that is.  You don't have the "right" to share those thoughts with everyone though - even your own children.

[freesia]

Well, I think many people will tell you that you don't have to be "happy"  but that you need to be nice/polite and not express your disapproval or concerns.  But in my experience, pregnant women can sniff out the least bit of 'less than thrilled' especially in their own mothers and MILs, and they will resent it, stew over it, and hold it against them even if the Grandmother to be did a pretty good job of feigning enthusiasm.

I hear what you're saying, and I've read those threads, too. However, I think we need to let our parents be people, too. Just like we don't want them to control us, we can't expect to be able to control them, either. They get to be happy about what they are happy about and upset about what they are upset about. As others said, it might just be a fleeting moment. I suspect my mom wasn't thrilled when we announced we were expecting our fourth. However, she sure does love her. I got to make a choice--was I going to "look" for signs that she approved or choose not to "look". I chose not to hyper analyze or "care". Dh and I get to make our own decisions. We get to chose whether to stew or not. It is not our mother's fault if we stew. (Now, remember, up thread I said the mother had to be kind and polite).

[Murmer]

My opinion is EVERY baby is a blessing (thus congrats are in order) but it is ok to be sad about the situation of the persons involved in the making of the baby but the baby is a blessing and thus loved and accepted regardless of thoughts on the situation (and the baby should NEVER hear negative remarks about the situation that is disapproved of).

[Danestress]

I hear what you're saying, and I've read those threads, too. However, I think we need to let our parents be people, too. Just like we don't want them to control us, we can't expect to be able to control them, either. They get to be happy about what they are happy about and upset about what they are upset about.

 

I agree in theory.  But OP was asking as future grandmother.  While maybe her children *should* be gracious and accepting about any hint of negativity, they might not be.  Why take the chance? Lots of people actually are not forgiving and indulgent towards their parent/in-laws and would hold any shadow of a frown against them for years.  So despite how you might think things should be ideally, I am a practical person.  I think mothers of adults, especially the mothers of men, have to be vigilant tongue biters on all kinds of things if they want to maximize the chances that the young couple will enjoy their company. 

[Ellie]

But....it is too much for a parent (the future grandparent) to be expected to be *happy* at this news of their son or daughter having a baby if this future grandparent holds the opinion this is  irresponsible or poor decision-making? 

 

Again, this is such a personal issue. I'm just wondering aloud if I'll be expected act joyfully regarding my adult children's decisions when I disagree or need more time to process these decisions. Is this too much for adult children to expect?

 

 

 

If your adult children are happy about it, then yes, you must outwardly be happy, as well. Negative comments will come back to bite you.

[goldberry]

This fits in to larger philosophical questions I think.  I have a dear friend whose daughter is always accusing her, "You never support anything I do!" because her mom has refused to be OK and say That's great! to a number of extremely poor choices (abusive boyfriend, wanting to marry abusive boyfriend, wanting to drop out of school, etc.) 

 

Some kids think their parents owe them "unconditional support".  After watching this happen with my friend, I have discussed with my DD, that when you really love someone, you can't support choices that you believe will ultimately harm them. 

 

That said, within the framework of an unexpected or less than ideal pregnancy, DD would KNOW I wouldn't be happy.  But I would try to be as positive as a could at that point - no going back, can only go forward.

[Mrs Mungo]

If your adult children are happy about it, then yes, you must outwardly be happy, as well. Negative comments will come back to bite you.

I agree. This is fake it 'til you make it time. If the parents are happy and the mother-to-be is already pregnant, then you need to put on a happy face, even if you have concerns.

[Mrs Mungo]

This fits in to larger philosophical questions I think. I have a dear friend whose daughter is always accusing her, "You never support anything I do!" because her mom has refused to be OK and say That's great! to a number of extremely poor choices (abusive boyfriend, wanting to marry abusive boyfriend, wanting to drop out of school, etc.)

 

Some kids think their parents owe them "unconditional support". After watching this happen with my friend, I have discussed with my DD, that when you really love someone, you can't support choices that you believe will ultimately harm them.

 

That said, within the framework of an unexpected or less than ideal pregnancy, DD would KNOW I wouldn't be happy. But I would try to be as positive as a could at that point - no going back, can only go forward.

I don't think anyone who loves someone can be happy about harmful choices. But, I don't put pregnancy in the same category of drug use, tolerating an abusive s/o or anything like that.

[FaithManor]

Smile and say congratulations. Be polite and show emotional support. Giving the appropriate cultural greeting, and being nice does not mean you have to approve. On top of which, what's done is done and there is no point in making the difficulties of pregnancy worse by being a debbie downer.

 

That said, it's perfectly okay to be sad and admit that to yourself. Absolutely. It is also okay to think ahead to how much financial and physical support you can give, and then establish a boundary so that you won't be taken advantage of, hoping of course that it won't be necessary. But, very occasionally there are adult children who do expect grandparents or aunts and uncles, even friends  to go well beyond acceptable in level of involvement and financial support.

 

Children should never have to be privy to what others thought about their arrival if those thoughts are negative. Never. No good comes from it.

[StephanieZ]

If the parent/grandparent wants to have a nice relationship with her child and DIL or SIL, then she should be convincingly happy about the news of a baby.

 

People make stupid decisions all the time. Young folk especially. Lots of those stupid decisions (or mistakes) turn out to be huge blessings in the end. 

 

I have made enough stupid decisions and mistakes in my life to feel quite humble about second guessing others in their important life choices.

 

All we can do for others is to be the best possible influence, and being judgy or negative or preachy is never going to accomplish that, IMHO. So, I'd simply do my best to step out of my judgy place, and step into a loving place.

 

Loving, supporting, relating, helping . . . those are the interactions I want to have with my adult children.

[gardenmom5]

I try to remember that when I hear of any pregnancy.  First impressions matter/first comments matter.

 

comments made by family ahead of an annoucnement can also affect the pg family member's desire to even tell them.

 

my grandmother was so against my marriage (a WEEK after we got married she tried to convince me he was cheating on me during an out of town business trip. her reasoning was "everybody does it". our 32 anniversary is in three weeks.) I was not kindly disposed to her.  then she was badering my mother very early on to know if I was pg.  (she was one of those who "counted" to see if the baby was born nine months after the wedding.  what will people think?  gasp.  that we had s3x on our honeymoon?)  when I found out - I flat out refused to say anything to her. (she already knew, and just wanted to sneer at me.)

 

the irony was, my favored sister got married because she was pg and didn't want to have a third abortion. I conceived after we got married - but she was still snotty towards me.

[JustEm]

My dh and I eloped after dating for 7 months(we were engaged 3 months into our relationship.) When we announced it to his parents they were shocked and clearly no thrilled (dh had already been married and divorced once and they themselves were separating although we didn't find that out till the next night) but they acted happy and supportive. His sister's on the other hand said "are we supposed to be happy for you?" And didn't talk to us that night. They only talked to my dh the next day because they all found out their parents were splitting up. 7 years later and niether of us holds any grudge towards his parents because they tried to lshow support even when they weren't happy about it. However, his sisters never apologized but just acted as if it never happened and dh still holds a grudge that pops up randomly(like at the announcements of their engagements.) We all have a wonderful relationship now but dh just can't shake their initial reactions.

 

All that to say, no you don't need to be happy but if you want to have a healthy relationship with the loved one make sure you think before you open your mouth. I don't think dh will be entirely over it until they appologize,which will likely never happen. He unfortunately grew up in a household of people that hold grudges and no matter how hard he tries to forgive entirely the wrong doing always creeps in randomly. He at least apologizes for it when it happens.

[North Coast School]

This is an interesting thread.  IMHO, grandparents are obligated to shower their grandchildren in love, no matter what they think about the parents.  I really wouldn't matter how "thrilled" grandma gets about the pregnancy, it's how she treats the kid as he grows up that counts.

 

I see everything in light of my own family situation where we built our family through adoption.  Believe me, no one is excited for you when you tell them that you are adopting, except for other adoptive parents.  All you get is lots of "helpful advice."  These are things that were actually said to me:

 

• "I could NEVER adopt."  (Good for you.)
• "How much does that cost?" (None of your business)
• "You don't want to get a crack baby." (Actually, I am willing to accept a child with special needs)
• "Can't you have one of your own?"  (I am going to have one of my own.  Through adoption.  Now would you like to share with me about your fertility?)
• "What is her real mom like?" (I didn't realize that I was an imaginary mom)
• "Well, good for you.  She is a very lucky girl to have someone like you take her in."  (Uh...Thanks?)
• "I could never raise someone else's kid."  (?!?!?!?!)

So I guess I have had to put up with rude remarks from day one and with my first kid, even when we were married for over 5 years, owned a home, both had good jobs and were "advanced" in aged.  Some people just think it's their right to share their opinion on everything, no matter how it hurts to hear.

[JustEm]

comments made by family ahead of an annoucnement can also affect the pg family member's desire to even tell them.

 

my grandmother was so against my marriage (a WEEK after we got married she tried to convince me he was cheating on me during an out of town business trip. her reasoning was "everybody does it". our 32 anniversary is in three weeks.) I was not kindly disposed to her. then she was badering my mother very early on to know if I was pg. (she was one of those who "counted" to see if the baby was born nine months after the wedding. what will people think? gasp. that we had s3x on our honeymoon?) when I found out - I flat out refused to say anything to her. (she already knew, and just wanted to sneer at me.)

 

the irony was, my favored sister got married because she was pg and didn't want to have a third abortion. I conceived after we got married - but she was still snotty towards me.

I got the opposite. When we announced I was pregnant with our first everyone was trying to figure out if we eloped because I was pregnant. I got pregnant about 3 weeks into our marriage so some people believed in was lying about the due date by a month or more. I wasnt till he was born in Dec that they realized the dates didn't line up at all since we married in january

[HS Mom in NC]

What about the pregnant adult daughter with a substance abuse problem during all her pregnancies and previous children taken by the state for abuse and in foster care? Are you going to be supportive if she doesn't do anything to avoid more pregnancies? I know of 2 of these situations.

[JustEm]

Another thought when people are unhappy about people's decision to have another chilkd for financial reasons, unless you have actually had to support them financially or know the details of their finances that decision to be unhappy is never fully informed. My dh makes roughly 35000 per year, we've had some tight years (had to not exchange gifts with extended family in order to keep the money for ourselves.) After are third was born we got a lo of, "so are you done now, I can't imagine more kids being affordable for YOU with what dh makes and you not working." They may know how much me makes but they don't realize that we have no debt but our mortgage which we are quickly paying down and will be debt free in 10 years. We live completely different lives then them so when they spend 400 on groceries a month for 2 people they don't realize we pay 250 for 5 people. They have no idea what savings we have put away for emergencies or the future. I know we're financially more stable then some of the people who make those comments and continue to have children so I just laugh silently when I hear their comments and am actually always thrilled for their new child.

[JustEm]

What about the pregnant adult daughter with a substance abuse problem during all her pregnancies and previous children taken by the state for abuse and in foster care? Are you going to be supportive if she doesn't do anything to avoid more pregnancies? I know of 2 of these situations.

Not prior to the pregnancy I wouldn't be supportive. But after it is announced your support would be more likely to help than hurt. I'd support by offering to pay for rehab in order to help her stay safe during the pregnancy. That support would be extended continually even if she rejected it. I wouldn't support her drug abuse and would express concern for the health of the child given the past. Doing that with a positive attitude instead of immediately blurting out mega I've comments would be ideal

[MistiDelaney]

As a grandmother to eight I can assure you that, having raised a family, you *will* be concerned about whatever circumstances present you with a grandchild. There is, as my father was fond of saying, "no right time to have a family".  Circumstances could almost always be better.

 

None of my pregnancies were under the sort of circumstances one dreams about.  With the first, I was a college sophomore.  Oops.  I called my mother to tell her and she told me to call back when I was married and hung up on me.  I have never forgotten that.  (Nor did she attend the wedding.  *sigh* My last pregnancy was a surprise as I approached 50.  Folks were not thrilled for me then, either. I have never forgotten how that feels.

 

As the mother of five sons, I have worked hard to welcome each of my "new daughters" into the family when they announced impending grandbabies.  In some cases it was easier than in others - but they all got the same warmth and welcome.  The circumstances of "today" will eventually be forgotten, but the way you make your grandchildren and their 'other parent' welcome in your world will not soon be forgotten.  If you want a healthy relationship with your younger generations, you have to remember that as the adult, the nature of the relationship starts with you.

 

 

 

 

[Wilma]

What about the pregnant adult daughter with a substance abuse problem during all her pregnancies and previous children taken by the state for abuse and in foster care? Are you going to be supportive if she doesn't do anything to avoid more pregnancies? I know of 2 of these situations.

 

Well, hey, the horse is outta the barn at the point of the pregnancy announcement, right? 

 

At that point, your courtesy obligation is to love the baby, love the mama, and do what you can to be happy and supportive of them. That probably means having a frank conversation with the mama after the babe is born. It would be absolutely rude, awful AND unhelpful to say anything negative during or about the current pregnancy.

[FaithManor]

What about the pregnant adult daughter with a substance abuse problem during all her pregnancies and previous children taken by the state for abuse and in foster care? Are you going to be supportive if she doesn't do anything to avoid more pregnancies? I know of 2 of these situations.

The OP specifically mentioned quiverful philosophy so I think that what the comments are based on and not extreme situations. In what you describe, to be honest I would say congratulations while preparing to call CPS at the first opportunity. I am not saying this lightly. I did it to my cousin who has four children with four different men and all of the children have fetal alcohol syndrome. I wasn't about totip my hand, and I was not going to raise her children either because her mother, my aunt has schizophrenia and is dangerous to have around. We would have had to move a very long distance on order to keep her out of the children's life.

 

I have been on the receiving end. Due to complications with our third, our fourth was not supposed to happen. I was on the pill, dh was waiting for our HMO to approve his vas, and we were still being very careful. Still managed to get pregnant. Thus, my nickname from my best friend, fertile myrtle. It was extremely dangerous because I was having a serious blood clotting problem and failing bone marrow. It was going to be lethal to continue the pregnancy and lethal to end it. A virtual death sentence for me.

 

So I've faced that music, the dh whose face went white while the tears streamed, the angry grandparents who all screamed at us about total abstinence and why were we such numbskulls, friends who said horrible things...it would have been nice if someone besides my sister and my obgyn would have had the presence of mind to hug me. The hysterics didn't help.

 

If the situation involves, criminal neglect, abuse, alcoholism, drug use....say the acceptable thing and then call CPS. If it does not, then being disapproving, angry, sullen, cold, whatever, doesn't fix a darn thing so there isn't any point.

[SKL]

I remember a friend reaming me out for deciding to become a mom while single (I hadn't taken action yet, but had decided not to wait any longer for "Mr. Right" to come along.)  She (also single and childless) venomously listed all the things I was setting my kids up for - poverty, illiteracy, prison, teen pregnancy....  I really feel sorry for her for having such a narrow mind.  And I thought I was conservative.  :p

 

Her loss.

 

As has been observed above, girls already know what their own moms are going to think about a pregnancy/adoption.  (The MIL is a little more tricky.)  That said, I think a mom needs to be prepared for shocks and make sure she thinks about the long-term consequences of her immediate reaction.

 

I used to follow a blog of a mom who had 6 kids, very spaced out.  Her tot was in the hospital undergoing chemo when one of her older unmarried daughters called her and told her that she was pregnant.  The grandma-to-be responded "no!" and couldn't think of anything good to say in the stress of the moment.  This is something that neither party could ever forget.  At least the granny apologized once she got her head back on straight.  Of course the grandchild is cherished etc.  But some things are hard if not impossible to undo.

[FaithManor]

Oh I guess I should say that miracles do happen and our 4th is almost 14 and we adore him. The grandparents eventually got over themselves...long before he was born, and while fearful for me, fell in love with the thought of another grandbaby to love. Since I am here posting, it's obvious that ii made it...touch and go but lived to tell the tale, LOL!

[SKL]

I have a relative who has mentioned wanting another child despite a list of good reasons not to do that.  I am preparing myself because my role is not to judge but to support her.  Either she'll think better of it, or she'll have another lovely child who will steal the hearts of all.  Frankly, having a child generally is not the cause nor the cure of family problems.  So what is the point of choosing that event to complain about?

[Trish]

What about the pregnant adult daughter with a substance abuse problem during all her pregnancies and previous children taken by the state for abuse and in foster care? Are you going to be supportive if she doesn't do anything to avoid more pregnancies? I know of 2 of these situations.

 

What of overweight  grandparents with health problems who continue to eat dessert? Are you going to enjoy their remaining years, however many they have left of them, or are you going to look disapprovingly ever time they reach for the ice cream scoop?

 

You can gently encourage better health choices, but I would not wrestle the ice cream scoop out of anyone's hand. Nor would I sit there in a frosty silence while they tried to enjoy their toppings. Who the heck knows what health issues we may ALL be sitting on?

 

Certainly the Substance Abusing Daughter needs advice/counseling, but that would be the case whether or not a pregnancy is involved. So you support what you can support (i.e. the baby) and try to be helpful with the rest of the problems.

 

How would you want people to react to YOU if you were in that situation?

[Desert Strawberry]

When I told my mother that I was 5 months pregnant with my very unexpected and poorly timed second child, she gently asked, "Are we happy about this?" I gave her an honest answer, which was a bit more complex than just yes. It was the best response I could have ever hoped for. It was much better than my in-laws being overjoyed, if I am honest. She gave me a safe place to share my worries and concerns, which were plentiful.

 

To me, this comes down to trusting and respecting the choices of the parents. It doesn't matter if you disapprove of the marriage, their income level, their respective roles, their family size, or living conditions. If they are happy, you should be happy that they are happy. If they are unhappy, you should be available to help in any way possible. Judgement and disapproval never feed a relationship.

[StephanieZ]

ps. I almost forgot this great story . . .

 

A few months after dh and I became engaged, and about 6 months before our wedding, we went on a ski trip with his other adults siblings. (They were all in their late 20s to early 30s.)

 

His sister took the opportunity to pull dh aside one night to remind him that "engagements are trial periods. It's not too late to change your mind."

 

21 years later, neither dh nor I have forgotten it.

 

So, anyway, one more vote for keeping any reservations about someone's big choices silent!

 

 

[PrincessMommy]

A grandparent does not need to be "happy" but needs to know that the decision to have or not have a child is not the grandparent's. If I was a grandmother I could be concerned over all kinds of things but I need to smile and be supportive when I get the news.

Of course, I could not be "happy" if I saw huge red flags for all kinds of reasons as your post uses as examples.

 

The difference is simply that my "unhappiness" or "concern" does not need to be obvious, much less be verbalized. There are things we all need to keep to ourselves somtimes, especially when the alternative is hurt and alienation at a time when a young woman needs, above all, support. Nothing constuctive is accomplished by making the kind of remarks that the other OP feared.

 

I don't disagree with you, but why, if the grandparents are being relied upon for financial and moral support (babysitting, etc.), then why can't they voice a gentle opinion? 

 

Honestly, I wished I had spoken up when my dd was talking about getting preg.  Not that I don't love our grandson, but I honestly wished I had encouraged her to step back for a moment and look her situation... perhaps putting off preg. for another year.  Now, she's stressed and dealing with PPD.  She relies on myself and her MIL for babysitting while she's working on as a grad. student going for her PhD - still 3yrs away.  She will most likely be the main bread-winner of their family once she get's her PhD - but it's pretty stressful getting there (with very low pay too).

 

Isn't there some kind of middle ground where parents/grandparents can offer their wisdom from experience without becoming judgmental or controlling. 

 

It's not just Birth announcements.  What about an adult child who announces their getting married to someone you are really concerned about?  Are we always supposed to just support without speaking up about concerns?  Is our experience and wisdom worth nothing because it might seem like we're being bossy and it's none of our business?   I honestly don't know.  Most people here seem to lean to the "don't interfere because it's none of your business" camp... but as family we all have to bare the brunt if things crash and burn.

[acsnmama]

I don't think it's a huge problem to talk to them about it before baby comes along, but to be extremely negative AFTER the announcement has been made is different!

[Carrie12345]

What about the pregnant adult daughter with a substance abuse problem during all her pregnancies and previous children taken by the state for abuse and in foster care? Are you going to be supportive if she doesn't do anything to avoid more pregnancies? I know of 2 of these situations.

 

My interpretation of "supportive" means "What can I say/do/share to help you through this?" So, yes, given the opportunity, I will be supportive in my current family situation.

If that person is not looking for me to say/do/share anything to make the situation better, then my support is obviously not wanted and I don't have to give it.

 

But I'll forever be supportive of those babies.  I live every day knowing I could get a state phone call asking me to do just that.

[HS Mom in NC]

The OP addressed the issue of "under all circumstances" and I'm addressing the full range of circumstances.

 

Making a serious effort to discourage a drug addict from producing yet another drug addicted baby and getting on birth control immediately after delivery or sterilized during delivery IS something I think worth doing. Drug addicts often are pregnant very quickly after delivery and the effort to try to get her to make a different decision is well worth the pay off if she takes the advice if you ask me.  Most birth control requires meticulous consistency-not something characteristic of drug addicts.  

We're not talking about living in humble circumstances or dealing with adults voluntarily creating self induced health problems that could be treated medically.  We're talking about brain damage in utero with potentially life long, earth shattering consequences.  Have you ever talked to nurses who work in facilities where babies are born so badly deformed for damaged from in utero drug exposure that they require full time, 24/7 life support from the day they're born to the day they die?  I have.  We're also talking about children being in horrible situations involving physical abuse and actual, serious neglect. Have you ever seen a 4 and 18 month old sibling set covered in bruises because her drug addict prostitute mother or one of her clients beat them?  I have. None of this is theoretical to me. There are extreme situations where some emotional discomfort and social pressure to not have more children brought into appalling conditions is the right thing to do because sometimes these women will listen and take the sterilization offered them during a c-section if they can stay sober long enough to consent to the procedure. Our society will not prosecute them for abuse in utero, so it's best to try to get them to avoid abusing future babies in utero when they have a history of doing so.

 

I know a former nurse who witnessed an OB perform an illegal sterilization on a drug addict when she delivered her 8th meth addicted baby in 8 years. Do I like it?  No. It's repellent to think of an unconsensual sterilization.  But it was better than there being 9 or 10 or 11 or 12 babies born into that circumstance.  He did what it took to stop that from happening again (he had delivered her last 4 of her 8 children) because the rest of society (legislators and social pressure from social networks) refused to do so.

[Carrie12345]

The OP addressed the issue of "under all circumstances" and I'm addressing the full range of circumstances.

 

Making a serious effort to discourage a drug addict from producing yet another drug addicted baby and getting on birth control immediately after delivery or sterilized during delivery IS something I think worth doing. Drug addicts often are pregnant very quickly after delivery and the effort to try to get her to make a different decision is well worth the pay off if she takes the advice if you ask me.  Most birth control requires meticulous consistency-not something characteristic of drug addicts.  

 

 

Encouraging birth control after (or even before) the fact is entirely different from lecturing to an actively pregnant person.