HSmomof2 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I don't know how to make a Poll but am wondering what others would do in this situation....I don't know if it's weird, or I'm just being paranoid and antisocial. :-) I'm part of a local yahoo group for homeschoolers that posts field trips, park days, etc. in the area. A mom who posts fairly regularly (but I have never met IRL) posted about her ds(12) being lonely and looking for friends. I have a ds around this age and mentioned he would probably like to meet her ds sometime. Mom immediately jumped on this and wanted to make immediate plans for ds to come to their house. I suggested we meet at a park next week when the weather is supposed to be nicer, and let the boys meet there. She agreed, but still wanted a meeting sooner. I said we weren't available before then. She then e-mailed that she'd like to invite ds to her son's birthday party, which will be a sleepover. Obviously, I am not going to let ds go to a complete stranger's house for a sleepover. Plus, the boys have never even met. They may not really like each other. At this point, I'm thinking I don't really want to even meet with these people at all.....but, not sure if I should feel this way or not? Maybe they're very nice, and she may just be a little too enthusiastic to help her son make a friend. On the other hand, we have a lot of activities going on, ds has several good friends, and I don't know that we will have the time she seemingly wants to spend on developing this 'friendship'. I really don't want to get into some drama situation. wwyd in this situation? ETA Update: I received two more e-mails yesterday from the mom trying to set up activities for the boys. After talking with dh, he didn't understand why I was letting a complete stranger make me so stressed. :-) This morning, I sent her a very nice but brief e-mail explaining that we would not be able to get together next week, and that our current schedule just doesn't have room right now for additional activities. I did include information for a couple co-ops/classes available in our area I thought she may be interested in for her ds. I feel guilty for canceling, but I'm also feeling so relieved to not have to meet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I'd follow through with the initial park meeting and go from there. Some people come across... er... more interesting online than they intend to. ;) She might be a perfectly nice lady in real life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Yes, go ahead and meet at the park. Be polite but firm that unfortunately, you have a lot on your plate this week and it just won't work to meet before then. Just remember, boundaries are your friend here. If she pushes, just keep being firm but polite. "No, I'm sorry, we don't allow sleepovers unless we've known a family for quite some time." "No, this week is pretty full, but we'd love to meet you at the park on Tuesday afternoon if that works." Repeat as necessary. And if, after a few "get to know you" meetings, it's clear that that things aren't clicking, there's nothing wrong with simply not pursuing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripley Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 The good news is that she's kind of made you more aware of what you're jumping into - now, before your first meet up at the park, you have time to consider, prepare and practice vocalizing the type of boundaries you want/need going forward. It'd have been worse if she ambushed you at the park, with the sleepover invite, etc. I'd go to the park. I think some (mom) personalities are naturally more enthusiastic. LOL They go all-in with whatever "project" they're working on, and right now her project is to de-lonely her son. More than that, I think moms of many personality types see their 11-13+ year olds being lonely ... hear from the kids themselves that they're lonely ... and want so much to "fix" that for them. Maybe rural and homeschooling families, especially. There's something heartbreaking about a child that age who's openly lonely! It brings out a desperation in parents, especially "fixers" - you know? But know that she may still come on strong even after the park meeting - until she either decides it's not working out between the kids OR she finds another kid-avenue to pursue that has better odds. There's eager, then there's EAGER. Park day lets you know if her "enthusiasm" is a personality quirk across the board, or if it's part of a fixer-mindset that may have her pursuing you relentlessly. I'd go, and give her a chance! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I'd probably come across that way as well. My son is 17 and hasn't had a friend in about 6 years. Sometimes it's really lonely for him, like now. Other times he just doesn't seem bothered and stays in his room all the time. I'd love to meet someone with a teen in this age group and would try to schedule it quickly because I'd be so excited at the opportunity to meet someone. However, I wouldn't offer a sleepover until I knew the person better. I'll also confess I would hope the other person has an open schedule like we do so we could get together frequently. If you can't offer that, you should be very clear about it when you meet her at the park. I agree with setting up those boundaries at the first meeting. I think they'd really protect both you and her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Finding a friend for my 12yo is my #1 goal in life right now so I could probably sound like your crazy friend. I'd stick with the park date and go from there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mirth Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 A sleepover before even meeting, really??! Honestly, I would be wondering if this were really a female with a child writing at all or what other adults are involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 i am not as gracious as the previous posters. i would be running in the opposite direction, quickly. i have no room for high maintenance friends, either for me or my children. it is remotely possible that she is fine, just desperate. but there will be a reason why she is desperate. i would trust your instincts. fwiw, ann ps. one thing i noted was that it is a group that posts field trips but you've never met her in real life. is this because you don't go on field trips, or she doesn't or ??? it just seems to me that if you have a child looking for friends you go to places where they might meet people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 the last person I met who was enthusiastic for her son to meet mine - her son turned out to be a toxic liar and so did she. I'd be cautious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I'd be cautious, but would give her a chance. The invitation to the party/sleepover before she's even met you and your son would weird me out. But I'm reminded of another homeschool mom I met years ago who was similarly pushy - and she was a really nice woman who was just desperate to find friends for her son (and herself too). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I would stick to meeting in a park - or some indoor type playspace (which usually charge a fee.). she may be new to the area, or just not good at meeting people with whom to develop friendships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 About a year ago I was at an indoor inflatable bounce place with a couple of friends and their kids. There was a nanny in there with a kid much younger than all of our kids who tried very hard to push us all to come to the kids birthday party that the mother was throwing later that week. We were all dumbfounded at how pushy she was and I kind of felt sorry for the kid, but not sorry enough to go. I would run the other way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 Thank you all for the suggestions.....I really do think she is probably a nice lady who is just overeager. She did also say she has several very young dc (baby and two toddlers), so she said we would mostly need to come to their house for get-togethers. I also have a dd(9) who is not going to be interested in this, and I'm not going to feel comfortable dropping ds off there until we know them much better. I'm just thinking we may not be compatible enough to realistically get together other than park days. It's just feeling a little too 'forced' and pushy to me. And, I have a hard time telling people 'no'. I'm concerned about being pushed into things we really don't want to do or have time to do. That is my issue, though, that I need to work on. This 'group' is fairly new and hasn't had much going on yet.....there is supposed to be a planning meeting in the near future to discuss having more organized activities. I'm wishing I hadn't said anything to this lady and just waited until this planning meeting to go meet some of these people IRL. I also do understand the desperateness to wanting friends for your kids. We were in that same boat about two years ago. I'm very quiet and have a hard time getting to know new people, so it was really hard to get involved in activities and groups, invite people over, etc. But, we did this slowly, over time, and relationships seemed to develop more naturally. I also learned that just because kids are homeschooled, that isn't enough to make them best friends. My dd's closest friends, that she met in dance, both go to ps, and their moms are ps teachers. Ds's closest friend is homeschooled but lives about an hour away. We see him weekly at co-op, and usually at least twice a month outside of co-op. I don't think 'socialization' is problem for homeschoolers, but 'socializing' certainly can be. Although, I think that may also be a general problem in our society today....and not just limited to homeschoolers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Perhaps encourage the boys to email or chat back and forth first? I have been wanting to add in friends as well for mine and we have found some. One mom is VERY enthusiastic to the extent, on our last get together, durimg the blessing of our food, prayed for God to bless our budding friendship (mine and hers). It was all I could do not to snort and laugh. We are a Christian family but it somehow set off flags for me. I have other friends that arent as extreme and I'll admit I seek out my kids being involved more with them. eta: I think we are given instincts for a reason and I typically listen to mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Suggesting a sleepover party before even meeting is pretty out there, but when we're worried for our kids we can be strange sometimes. I'd meet at the park and take it from there. If her overall style matches those emails, I'd back off but I'd at least give it a shot. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Alyssa* Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 i am not as gracious as the previous posters. i would be running in the opposite direction, quickly. i have no room for high maintenance friends, either for me or my children. it is remotely possible that she is fine, just desperate. but there will be a reason why she is desperate. i would trust your instincts. fwiw, ann ps. one thing i noted was that it is a group that posts field trips but you've never met her in real life. is this because you don't go on field trips, or she doesn't or ??? it just seems to me that if you have a child looking for friends you go to places where they might meet people. :iagree: My 10 year old is in this situation. She has friends, but she is desperately seeking that "best friend" who feels for her the way she cares so much for others. However, I'm not desperate for her, because I am teaching her proper boundaries through this good trial of hers right now. She is learning well from it, too, and I hope it sets her up for healthy boundaries later in life. The situation you describe sounds unhealthy. I understand people can be enthusiastic about meeting new people, but offering the sleepover and rushing your schedule is already screaming the fact this gal doesn't have healthy boundaries. There are PLENTY of ways for her child to find friends without being so needy on one person (you). I wouldn't feel comfortable in your situation, but that's just me. Like Ann said, trust your instincts. It appears to me you already sound uneasy about the situation. Don't ignore that feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I'd stick to the plan to meet at a park but not make any commitments beyond that until after you meet and can see what she's like and how the boys get along in person. She does seem pushy but may come across less forcefully IRL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathnerd Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I was caught in such a situation attending playdates with my husband's friend's kid - I don't know the mother of this child. But, she was overeager and desperate and I did not know how to say no. It turned out that the friend told his wife how well mannered my child was and that they should send their child (who was spoilt, had temper meltdowns, indisciplined and surviving on eating only junk food) over to my house as often as possible so that he could learn to socialize in a healthy way from my son. After a few disastrous playdates, I got out of the arrangement using the excuse that DS had too many afterschool activities. When people are desperate, there is something behind the desperation, usually. Because invitation to each other's homes and sleepovers are not the norm amongst people who don't know each other. If I were you, I would go to the park to meet them. I would also let a few of my firends know that we will be at the park on that day meeting someone that I met online and they are welcome to attend too. If they show up, then you need not meet this family alone and if that person was just nice and desperate, they could meet more people. If she had small babies, it is entirely possible that she is desperate and cannot travel a lot and she is grasping at straws to find friends for he son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 If do you go to the park date please update us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 If do you go to the park date please update us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 Updated in first post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 yay for getting that stress off your plate! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Maybe the poor kid doesn't have any friends because the crazy mom drives them all away? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Maybe the poor kid doesn't have any friends because the crazy mom drives them all away? The thought crossed my mind too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdrinca Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Oh, I have such sympathy for this mom here. I've been in that place, and I can only imagine how much harder it is when my kids are pre-teens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 I have sympathy for her, too, but something about it just doesn't sit right with me. I'm not willing to get into an unhealthy relationship for either myself or my ds. If she is on the up and up, there are plenty of options to get her ds involved in social activities. We're not in a rural area, and have many active co-ops and support groups. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 It sounds like you've already made a wise decision. As I read your post, I thought, "What would I do? RUN. Far, far away." She sounds as though she's got some social boundary challenges, and it's easier to avoid getting entangled in that than it is to extricate yourself. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I have sympathy for her, too, but something about it just doesn't sit right with me. I'm not willing to get into an unhealthy relationship for either myself or my ds. If she is on the up and up, there are plenty of options to get her ds involved in social activities. We're not in a rural area, and have many active co-ops and support groups. :iagree: How did she respond to your email? ETA: The last time I became friends with someone, they were the same way. It was like I was immediately family. Turns out the person was Narcisstic. It was relationship hell. Perhaps she wouldn't have been that way. However, if your gut was sending out red flags, I am glad you honored the warnings. I tended to ignore the warnings in the past because it felt hard to say no, didn't want to hurt people's feelings, blah, blah, blah. For me, I know if I feel overwhelmed or like I can't be real and guard my answers, I need to take a pass. No matter how much work I have done on boundaries, there are certain types of people that I can't be healthy with due conditioning in my family of orgin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I would probably back out as well. Honestly, she is probably just desperate to find social outlets for her son. Inviting your ds to a birthday party was probably an attempt to have more guests and it could be a fun way for the boys to connect, I doubt she meant to be creepy :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 She didn't respond at all, but I put a read receipt on it, so I know it was seen. I'm sorry if I offended her, but I just didn't have a good feeling about going into something that was starting out so weird. Lesson learned, that I will never agree to get together with someone I have never met IRL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Although I understand why you did what you did, I can't help but feel a bit sorry for the woman and her ds... particularly the kid. It's too bad there isn't a homeschool group activity coming up that would allow you and your son to meet them, because they might be very nice. And the boy may be having a hard time making friends primarily because of his overzealous mother. She's trying so hard that she is alienating people, and she probably has no idea why people keep canceling on her or brushing her off. Again, I'm not saying I wouldn't have done exactly what you did, because if I get a creepy vibe from someone, I don't wait around for the person to prove me right, but I do feel badly for the other mom and her son. It can be terribly difficult for a homeschooler in that age group to meet new friends if there aren't lots of group opportunities available to him, and it can get pretty lonely if there aren't other kids in the neighborhood. At that age, the boy is getting older, but as a homeschooler, he may still have to rely on his mom to help him connect with other kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 FWIW I think you did the right thing. The whole story went a bit beyond normal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 She didn't respond at all, but I put a read receipt on it, so I know it was seen. I'm sorry if I offended her, but I just didn't have a good feeling about going into something that was starting out so weird. Lesson learned, that I will never agree to get together with someone I have never met IRL. I have met a boardie in real life, but after we had e-mailed back and forth a bunch. She is a very nice lady and I look forward to getting the chance to see her again. We have instincts for a reason and you followed yours, that is a good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 She didn't respond at all, but I put a read receipt on it, so I know it was seen. I'm sorry if I offended her, but I just didn't have a good feeling about going into something that was starting out so weird. Lesson learned, that I will never agree to get together with someone I have never met IRL. Don't swing the pendulum too far the other way! If I followed this rule, I would have missed out on meeting several great people. I don't blame you for canceling this particular meeting, but there was no harm done - just take things case by case. I agree that it's ideal to meet people in a low-pressure group setting, but that isn't always possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 Well, ok.....let's just say I will be far more cautious before agreeing to meet with someone I've never met in real life. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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