If you've lost your Mom/Dad, what do you wish you had done in the last days, weeks, months...

[umsami]

For those of you who've lost a parent, what do you wish you'd done in your last days, weeks, months with them.  At your last Christmas, etc.

 

Or if you're so glad that you did certain things, what were they?

[Audrey]

I've lost both.   I have no regrets for what I did or didn't do.  I honoured their wishes and I felt that was the most important thing I could do.

[Aspasia]

I asked my dad lots of questions about his life. I wish I had asked more, but he had a neuro degenerative disease that made it impossible for him to speak, and writing/typing became increasingly difficult. Still, I wish I had thought of it before I did.

 

Aside from that, I just wish I would have been able to spend more time with him and taking care of him. Unfortunately, I lived in another state so my time with him was limited.

 

One thing that I did do, and I'm so glad, is I wrote him a long letter detailing all my favorite memories that we had together, from my preschool years on up. He really, really enjoyed that, and it was such a positive therapeutic experience for me (I cried through the whole thing). I guess I just wanted to be very certain that I communicated my love, appreciation, and affection for him.

[SMRB]

Photos, photos, and more photos. My father was in hospice and passed away 2 days after my daughter was born. We took her straight there and took pictures of them together. At the time, we thought twice because my father looked terrible and had tubes, etc. I treasure those photos now, tubes and all, because I can see that she was in my father's arms and see how small she was compared to his hands. For the 2 years before he went to hospice, we made a concentrated effort to get photos of him with each of the grandchildren and to gather the whole family for pictures while we could. No one cares now how bad he looked in the pictures. We framed our last family photo and each have it hanging in our house.

 

For what turned out to be his last Christmas (we had several that we thought were his last), we tried our best to make them like the Christmases we had as children, talking as much as we could about the great things we remembered. When we were kids, my father held a big trash bag for wrapping paper, and we all tried to bean him with our paper wads. We did that and acted just like we were kids again those last few years, and ran our train set with him, etc. He had dementia and wasn't fully there, but we could tell that he enjoyed it very much. And it helped us in the end to cement the memories of how he was when he was well instead of the way he was when he was sick. I guess you could say that we just treated him like Daddy as much as possible.

[Pawz4me]

I wish I had been more patient with them in their last years.  At the time I thought I was being very patient, but in hindsight (and with the "gift" of having aged a little in the interim myself) I think I could've done better.

[xixstar]

I wish that I had spent time with my dad and not been so afraid of the whole situation (suffering injuries from car accident/broken neck and paralysis - in facility for almost a year following accident). I would have just spent more time there and talked or not, I was a teen then. But mostly just wish I hadn't be so scared of it all, so upset that the strongest man I knew was hurt and instead taken more time to get to know him better during that time. I don't regret it, per se, but would have done things differently.

[Evergreen State Sue]

Both of my parents died suddenly, so I didn't have an opportunity to do anything different.  But my mother-in-law, whom I loved dearly, got cancer and we had a couple of years.  My regret is I didn't tell her how much I loved her and how glad she was my second mom.  She would have times when she was feeling really good and I didn't want to bring up the fact I was losing her.  When she had times of feeling really sick, I didn't want to make it worse by talking about her last days.  It is so hard to bring up the fact that someone will be dieing sooner than they should when they are feeling good, but now I wish I had figured out a way of honoring her in a personal way. 

[goldberry]

My parents are still alive, both in their 80s.  But I know that time is a gift right now.  Every time I talk or have a chance to see them, I try to enjoy it as much as possible, and not leave anything unsaid.

[Catwoman]

I think the most important thing is to spend as much time with them as you can (or talk to them on the phone if you're far away,) and to let them know how much you love and appreciate them. Also, be as helpful and supportive as possible if there are medical issues. 

[SwallowTail]

I wish I had spent more time with him the few months prior to his sudden, unexpected death, and most certainly, I wish I had gone over the night before or even that mroning as I had thought to do but didn't.  Perhaps my presence would havechanged the outcome of events.  :shrug:

[gardenmom5]

my father died when I was 12.  I was at a friend's house playing when the ambulance came to take him away. 

 

my only regret regarding my mother's last days (the last two months from when everything hit the fan) was not allowing the hospital to throw my brother off the premises because of concerns by the MDs for how he was treating her.  (that was about six weeks before she died.)  

 

I had spent a lot of time trying to find my mother appropriate living arrangements with which she would be happy. I finally found one that met all the needs and was a nice place, got her settled. she was happy where I was able to get her.  I got her settled, moved in, she liked it there, I had put distance between her and my brother (he could visit her, but not be the drain on her he'd been being), she was less stressed than she had been in months, if not a couple years . . 10 days later they found her without a pulse and we subsequently had her removed from life support.

 

eta: our last conversation she asked me a question, and it ended with me telling her how much I loved her, and how much I believed God loved her (background: she'd made some pretty poor choices in her life.).  I have no regrets of that conversation, and it is a treasure to me that that was our last conversation.  

[Camelfeet]

Dad died april 2012.  I have no regrets about any of the things I did until I knew the cancer had come back.  I think I was an okay daughter.  I built an in law suite for him to live in attached to our home, and he basically lived rent free for 5 years.  I bought his ostemy supplies after the first cancer diagnosis, I invited him over frequently.  I spent every Christmas with him.  I moved him to the city I was living in so he could be close to his grand daughters.    

 

But I wish I had spent more time in the hospital after his terminal diagnosis, I wish I had held his hand more, I wish I had been there everyday.  I wish I had told him I loved him a few more times.  I wish I had talked to him about what he wanted done.  I wish I had been there when he passed.  I wish I had understood that NOTHING was more important that spending every available second he had left, since it was only a couple weeks from diagnosis to his passing.  But I froze.  I went to the hospital but not as much as I should have - I didn't want to see him sick.  It was a relief not to be there and I feel very guilty about feeling like that.  I missed him very much and its still hard to believe he is gone.

 

I regret not having many nice photos of him.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  to you all.

[MerryAtHope]

My Dad died when I was 8--no regrets over anything I did, but would of course have loved more time with him.

 

I was very close to his mom, my grandma. A couple of days before she died, I felt strongly prompted to call her, but I was so tired that night, I didn't--thought I'd call her that weekend (we usually talked weekly). Always wished I'd had that last phone call, there was no warning she was dying. So, that has colored how my husband and I both respond. We've always said that if either of us feels like we should go visit a family member, if we can make it happen, to do it. I was able to visit my grandfather, many states away, 2 months before he died, and have always been glad we made the sacrifice to make that happen. We've done the same with visiting other aging relatives, some have passed away, some not yet--I think it's just made us treasure what times we do have and to be conscious of them. 

[UmmiSays]

My Dad died this past January. He was only 59! This January will be the one year anniversary. I am still in shock.

 

I was in the last trimester of my pregnancy and had a lot of attitude. I was angry at my Mother and took the anger out on him, by not picking up the phone whenever he called. When I finally picked up we spoke but I didn't say I love you when we hung up. Shortly thereafter he became ill, was hospitalized, became infected with sepsis, entered a coma, and never came back.

 

I have major guilt for being such a brat. The stuff I was mad at didn't even matter.

 

Actually its so hard for me to write this out as it makes me remember that his death really did happen,

 

I'm still in such disbelief,

[Mama Geek]

My father passed away while I was in college.  We had a pretty rocky relationship during and after the time that my parents divorced in my early teens.  My dh convinced me to try to mend fences and things were better between us when he passed away.  I wasn't even sure if I wanted him to walk me down the aisle when I got married, but he did and I am glad that he did.  

 

One thing that I did with my grandma the year before she passed was to take a trip with her to a place that we both really wanted to go.  My mom (her ex dil) went with us as well.  The trip ended on 9-11-01 but even though that was a really hard day and weeks following, I will always treasure that trip and I was so glad that we did that together.  We had always talked about doing it.

[LucyStoner]

My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was 14 and died when I was 28.  I quit my job to be with my mom (and new baby) for the 6 months before she died.  I started a new job a few months later.  Honestly, I wish I would have quit working much sooner than that.  I will never look back on my life and think "I wish I had spent less time with my dying mother and newborn son".  I was so busy for so much of the time in the years leading up to her death that I put off many things until it was late.  My mom was very poor and I had the means to do things with her that I always meant to do but we waited too long for her to still be able to go.  Case in point:  she always wanted to visit Alaska.  I was fixing to book our tickets the week she relapsed and crashed hard.  She was never well enough to travel after that.  I wish I'd been more patient and present and loving.  I wish I judged her less.  I wish I'd not been embarrassed of her as a young person.  I wish I had not taken her for granted or assumed we had more time.  We didn't.  She was 55 when she died.  

[HRAAB]

With my dad I wish I had been less stressed.  He was living with us and failing quickly.  I was providing all his care, plus kids, plus school, plus a dh getting laid off.  I wish I could go back, take a deep breath, and just BE with him since I had absolutely no control over what was happening.  I think he felt my stress, even though I tried to hide it, and I'm very sorry for that.

 

My dad was my hero; I loved him so much.  I would just like to be able to smile and laugh with him again.

[umsami]

Thanks everybody for sharing these. My Dad has been fighting leukemia for a few years and was doing really well until just after Thanksgiving.  Things have gone down hill quite quickly in the past 10 days and I don't know what the outcome will be.  I appreciate everything you shared.

 

:grouphug: to all of you, and an extra one to Ethel whose Mom just passed.  

[Rachel TX]

With my grandmother and my mother, I've realized that you don't always get meaningful relationship time at the end when people are in poor health and mind. You have to store your memories ahead of time so you don't always have to think about what might be the last visit or phone call. 

[OneStepAtATime]

Hugs to all of you.  I know many of you are hurting right now...

 

I lost my dad right after he restructured the family company and his last days were chaotic and stressful.  I regret that very much.  My dad and I had a rocky relationship but we did love one another and tried hard to understand each other and keep lines of communications open.  I wish I had really respected him more when I was younger (we clashed over how he treated his own mom upon occasion and I didn't always respect that they had a history that had nothing to do with me).  What I really regret, though, was that I didn't listen more carefully and record all his wonderful stories and show him that they DID matter and I DID want to remember them and pass them down.  He was an excellent story teller and knew so much of our family history.  Now that he is gone, many of those stories and a lot of our history are gone, too.  I feel like I failed him in this and I do regret it.   I miss him so much...

 

Again, many hugs to all of you and best wishes....

[OneStepAtATime]

And to Umsami,  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[LLMom]

My dad just died in October.  when I arrived from out of town, he was in ICU and unresponsive.  I hadn't talked to him since July because his alzheimer's had gotten so bad that I couldn't talk to him on the phone.  I know he heard me when I visited him before he died, but he couldn't open his eyes and talk.  At least I was able to tell him I loved him and thank him for all he did for me. 

[Lisa in Jax]

Usami,

 

I'm sorry that your dad is ill. It's so hard.

 

My dad died suddenly of a heart attack at age 50.  I was in college, and we had talked on the telephone the night before he died. It was a happy, positive conversation, and it ended with me saying, "I love you." 

 

I cannot tell you how much it meant to me after he died that the last thing we'd said to one another was loving and positive. To this day (almost 30 years later), the very last thing I say to my kids and dh on the telephone (or when we leave one another for a period of time, even just to go to the store) is "I love you." We *always* end with that.  

 

If your dad is well enough, ask him about his stories. How did he meet your mom? What were his parents like?How'd he get his first job/car/girlfriend/heartbreak?  What vegetables does he dislike? What's his favorite memory of being your dad? What's his favorite memory of *his* parents/grandparents/hometown, etc.?

 

Record it, if you can.  In addition, if he's able, spend some time looking at photos, recording what he says about them, and write names, dates, places, etc., on the back of each one with archival ink.  Ask him where/when/why interesting photos were taken. "Whose dog was this, Dad?" "Why is grandma in front of an orange tree?" or whatever.

 

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry.

 

Lisa (who will be eating chocolate ice cream (his favorite) tomorrow, in honor of my dad's birthday. He would have been 79.)

 

 

[umsami]

Thanks Lisa and everybody.

 

Years ago (maybe 10?), I got this book for both of my parents which had questions in it that they can record different stories, etc. in it.  They've both been working on it since then, but still, I know stuff will be left out.  My Dad is a great story teller… a funny one…and I will miss his stories.  I love the idea about recording them.  I'm going to see if I can do that.  I also asked him to write letters for each of the grandkids, as their grandpa means everything to them.

 

We also eat Hershey Bars w/Almonds in honor of him because that's his favorite. I think we'll continue that tradition…and who knows…maybe my kids will pass that on to their kids.

[Guest]

:grouphug:  to Umsami and Ethel. Mine are both still alive and I have always had difficult relationships with both of them, so this is very much on my mind as well.

 

TFS, everyone.

[Desert Rat]

I'm so glad I called off work the day my dad died. I woke with an overwhelming feeling that I needed to be with him. I had to. So, I did. I whispered in his ear that I loved him and that it was ok for him to go. I'm so glad I did. He was gone 4 hours after I spoke those words and 3 hours after we signed the DNR. He was 64. It was just of a year ago.

 

I have no regrets.

 

Last Friday I finished a memorial tattoo for my dad. It includes his actual handwriting. "Love Always Dad." I have felt a huge sense of relief and peace having it there.

[Lisa in Jax]

Usami,

 

Yesterday, I said to my daughter, "Have fun, but not TOO much!" as I always say when she's heading out with friends.  It's something my dad used to say to me when I was a teen.  DD said, "Mom, I'll say that to my kids, you know," and it made me smile. She never met my dad, but his silly saying is already passed on. :)

[OneStepAtATime]

Umsami, how is your dad doing, if you don't mind my asking?  I thought about him today and wondered.  Best wishes to all of you....

[HappyLady]

My dad had a stroke when I was 17 (he was 62) and I wish I had asked him more about his past prior to that because he couldn't really speak after his stroke, but as a teenager you never really think of those things.  My dad was given 6 months to live, but thankfully he lived another 17 years!  He went through so much in those 17 years and we were always told to "prepare for the worst" and we always did, but as it kept happening I kept believing it was his time less and less.  The last time I saw him he was in the hospital, but was expected to come home, as usual.  I went to see him on a Wednesday and told him I'd see him when I got back from my trip (I was leaving that Friday to go to Florida).  He was scheduled to come home Saturday and ended up taking a turn for the worse in the early morning hours on Saturday and died quickly.  My biggest regret was that I didn't give him a hug when I said goodbye to him and I wasn't able to make it home in time to see him one last time and to give him a hug (they needed to take his body to the morgue).  I had such incredible heartache not only because I lost him, but because I didn't give him a hug.  A few weeks later, I had a dream about my dad and in my dream I was able to hug him.  I woke up and the pain of not hugging him one last time was gone.  I still regret not hugging him, though.  :(

[umsami]

Umsami, how is your dad doing, if you don't mind my asking?  I thought about him today and wondered.  Best wishes to all of you....

 

Thanks for asking.  Unfortunately, not good right now.  His number keep dropping and they don't want to give him a transfusion because they can't match all of the antigens in his blood.  They are doing a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow.  Kids and I will drive there tomorrow.  Hoping we make it in time…. and that they're able to give him the transfusion he desperately needs.

[Vida Winter]

I lost my dad ~18 years ago. No regrets, except the giant hole in my life since he has been gone. It is truly painful, even now. We were close up to the end, daily contact, which I am thankful for.

[OneStepAtATime]

Thanks for asking.  Unfortunately, not good right now.  His number keep dropping and they don't want to give him a transfusion because they can't match all of the antigens in his blood.  They are doing a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow.  Kids and I will drive there tomorrow.  Hoping we make it in time…. and that they're able to give him the transfusion he desperately needs.

You and your family are in my thoughts today.  Best wishes.  I really hope you make it in time and that transfusion happens. . :grouphug:

[mamakelly]

Both my mother in law and father in law passed away from cancer within 6 months of each other. I loved them like my own parents, and was devastated when they died. I only wish their "affairs" had been in better order. We ran around like crazy people the last few weeks, getting living trusts organized, meeting with attorneys etc... It was really hard to have to do all that, when I really just wanted to sit with them.

[OneStepAtATime]

Umsami, just checking in...was he able to get the transfusion?  How is it going?

[Guest]

Bump.

 

((((((((((((((((((((Umsami)))))))))))))))))))))))

[umsami]

Thanks. He's still in the hospital. After two days, they finally gave him a transfusion…and have been doing them every other day since, along with chemo.  He has pure red cell aplasia, which means his bone marrow isn't producing red blood cells at all.  

 

Two kids are supposed to start back to school in a week, but I can't see us going anywhere right now.  Not sure if I should enroll them here, switch them to the virtual school, public school, or what not.  This could be over in a week or two, or go on for months.

[OneStepAtATime]

Thanks. He's still in the hospital. After two days, they finally gave him a transfusion…and have been doing them every other day since, along with chemo.  He has pure red cell aplasia, which means his bone marrow isn't producing red blood cells at all.  

 

Two kids are supposed to start back to school in a week, but I can't see us going anywhere right now.  Not sure if I should enroll them here, switch them to the virtual school, public school, or what not.  This could be over in a week or two, or go on for months.

I am so sorry umsami.  Wish I could help IRL.   :grouphug:

[Negin]

Thanks. He's still in the hospital. After two days, they finally gave him a transfusion…and have been doing them every other day since, along with chemo.  He has pure red cell aplasia, which means his bone marrow isn't producing red blood cells at all.  

 

 

I want to thank you for starting this thread. I also want to say that you're all in my thoughts and prayers. 

:grouphug:   :grouphug:   :grouphug: 

[StephanieZ]

I lost my dad. I am glad I was there with him. I regret that I allowed the hospital chaplain on duty to "offer some prayers" while Dad was actually dying in his last minutes. We thought it would take hours for him to pass once removed from the ventilator, but it took just minutes. The chaplain was loud and disruptive of the potential peace of the moments, and her prayers weren't reflective of Dad's beliefs (or of mine or my brother's). I wasn't thinking clearly; it all happened quickly. I should have accepted SILENT prayers only, and left the talking/verbal communications to just me and my brother saying good bye. 

[texasmama]

After my mom passed away, I found myself ruminating on all the conflicts and problems we had over my lifetime.  Although we had a very positive relationship for some years before her stroke and death, we had plenty of years before that which were rocky.  I wished that I could tell her that I was sorry for those negative things and that she was one of my best friends. 

 

My mom kept journals regarding mine and my brother's lives for many years, and after she passed away, my dad gave me the ones pertaining to me.  I searched frantically through them for evidence that she knew how much she meant to me, and I found an entry that reassured me that she did.

 

In short, I just wished that I could have told her how very much she meant to me.  It turns out that she knew that, but it would have brought me peace after her passing to have said those things aloud to her.  I also did not get pictures of her with my youngest child until she was almost in an unresponsive state.  Get pictures now.

 

Looking back, I wonder if I would always feel that things between she and I were "unfinished".  I was not done needing my mama.  She was not done loving me and my kids here.

 

When my grandfather was nonresponsive, I nonetheless whispered some things in his ear, a message of love and gratitude.  When my Mima was nonresponsive, my brother and I visited and talked to her about our memories.  She made noise like she was trying to speak but nothing came out.  I said to her, "Mima, we know that you love us, too." and she settled down.  The hospice nurse said that it was not coincidence that she tried to respond to us, that she had been completely unresponsive for some time, and that hearing remains after the other faculties have faded.  I know Mima heard what we were saying and wanted to talk to us.

 

These are precious moments, OP.  (((hugs)))

[I.Dup.]

After my mom passed away, I found myself ruminating on all the conflicts and problems we had over my lifetime.  Although we had a very positive relationship for some years before her stroke and death, we had plenty of years before that which were rocky.  I wished that I could tell her that I was sorry for those negative things and that she was one of my best friends. 

 

My mom kept journals regarding mine and my brother's lives for many years, and after she passed away, my dad gave me the ones pertaining to me.  I searched frantically through them for evidence that she knew how much she meant to me, and I found an entry that reassured me that she did.

 

In short, I just wished that I could have told her how very much she meant to me.  It turns out that she knew that, but it would have brought me peace after her passing to have said those things aloud to her.  I also did not get pictures of her with my youngest child until she was almost in an unresponsive state.  Get pictures now.

 

Looking back, I wonder if I would always feel that things between she and I were "unfinished".  I was not done needing my mama.  She was not done loving me and my kids here.

 

When my grandfather was nonresponsive, I nonetheless whispered some things in his ear, a message of love and gratitude.  When my Mima was nonresponsive, my brother and I visited and talked to her about our memories.  She made noise like she was trying to speak but nothing came out.  I said to her, "Mima, we know that you love us, too." and she settled down.  The hospice nurse said that it was not coincidence that she tried to respond to us, that she had been completely unresponsive for some time, and that hearing remains after the other faculties have faded.  I know Mima heard what we were saying and wanted to talk to us.

 

These are precious moments, OP.  (((hugs)))

 

This made me cry.

 

Hugs to all of you.

 

 

[I.Dup.]

DP

[texasmama]

This made me cry.

 

Hugs to all of you.

 

 

Thank you.  These are memories I now treasure. 

[LizzyBee]

I lost my Dad. He was in the advanced stages of Alzheimers, fell and broke a rib, and developed pneumonia.  I lived out of state, but I had a feeling that I needed to go home.  I spent his last night in the hospital with him and my mom, and we didn't think he would make it through the night. I was still there when he died that evening. He was working so hard to breath that the bed shook and rattled with each breath. Finally, one of my sisters asked for him to be given a muscle relaxer.  He finally was able to relax and he just stopped breathing. It was so peaceful. My mom had been talking about a feeding tube even though he had signed a medical poa that prohited it, but after that last night with him, she knew it was time to let him go.  I had gone home to visit and help my mom as often as I could, and I have no regrets.