Chore Systems/Accountability/Seriously Overwhelmed

[Renee in NC]

Maybe this is just a vent, I don't know.

 

I work FT.  I am gone from 7am to 6pm.  Unfortunately, my kids come home to an empty house (I don't make enough at this time to pay someone to be here.)  When I come home, I often have to clean the kitchen before I can cook.  The kids will not do the basic chores I give them.  If they did them daily, it would probably take them 30 minutes.  The house is often a disaster, and every Saturday morning it ends up being a huge fight, and takes a couple of hours (and usually ends up with everyone screaming at each other, including me.)

 

They complain they hate having to "clean all the time."  Obviously that isn't true since the house is always a mess!

 

I know I should hold them accountable everyday, but I am SO overwhelmed I don't have the mental energy to do it.  When I come home at 6, I have to get dinner done, do laundry, help with homework, and a million other things before I fall into bed exhausted.

 

We have family therapists in the house at least twice a week.

 

Since just doing the basics takes so much time/energy, the deep cleaning doesn't get done.  My yard is HORRIFIC, and even when the house is "neat" it is dirty.

 

My 15yo has serious issues (hence the therapists,) and he refuses to do pretty much anything.  I cleaned out the boys' room (the 4 share,) and he had his side DESTROYED within a couple of days.  It is dangerous on his side of the room - you cannot access the window from anywhere but his bed, and getting to his bed is almost impossible.

 

I am TIRED - did I mention that already?  We have some serious family issues due to mental illness and the impending divorce.  There are some very hard decisions to be made (with the therapists involved) which are most likely going to mean that I lose any and all help (physical - he doesn't pay child support, and only makes about $900 a month.)   These are issues that have to be handled carefully because it could put me in serious danger otherwise.

 

I am overwhelmed trying to figure out how to be a single mother of 6 with NO help - no one else to be here when I can't, no one else to take kids to the doctor/dentist, no one else to be at home when kids are sick.  I am already stressing about what I am going to do next summer.

 

So I guess the chores are just a symptom of the problem.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: No advice, I'm sorry you're in that spot. 

[Another Lynn]

I'm sorry. You're carrying a tremendous load and doing it very well. Wish you had more support and hope some comes your way even when you least expect it.

[City Mouse]

The only thing I can think of is maybe to reduce your expectations (of you not the kids) on your work days. If you come home and the kitchen is a mess, dinner can be peanut butter sandwiches with raw vegetables or other quick and easy stuff. Cook a couple of big dishes over the weekends and eat leftover on work days.

[Renee in NC]

The only thing I can think of is maybe to reduce your expectations (of you not the kids) on your work days. If you come home and the kitchen is a mess, dinner can be peanut butter sandwiches with raw vegetables or other quick and easy stuff. Cook a couple of big dishes over the weekends and eat leftover on work days.

 

This is not a bad idea.  I do need to simplify meal prep, but without sacrificing nutrition.

 

Mess stresses me out and makes things worse.  Also, having therapists in the house twice a week means that it has to be reasonable.  I just want basics done.  If I leave it until the weekend, then we have this horrible few hours of trying to get the basics done, and then no time left for actual cleaning.  I HAVE to hold the kids accountable on weekdays for the basics (which are dishes, stuff picked up, living/dining room vacuumed, pet care, and laundry.)

[Renee in NC]

I am sorry! Can you move closer to family for help?

 

The only family that could help live in a place where I could not easily find a job that could support us well.  I have a *personal* support system here of good friends, but none that can offer any practical help on a regular basis.

[Miss Peregrine]

Are any of the kids able to cook dinner?

[Renee in NC]

Are any of the kids able to cook dinner?

 

Yes, my 11yo can do quite a bit.  I think the biggest solution is going to be holding them accountable for what they are supposed to do.  I have roughly 3 hours a night to get everything done, and we have to pull together.

[Anne]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

Would any of those close friends be able to sit down with you and help you get organized - sometimes it is really helpful to me to have someone else think through things with me and maybe help me bring the house up to a level of clean/organized that you can start from. 

 

Then, maybe a family meeting - what are your kids willing to commit to?

 

Another idea:  could you hire someone to come in once a week - maybe while the kids are in school on Friday and do some basic stuff for you?  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

So sorry you have such a tough road to walk right now!!

 

Anne

[Jean in Newcastle]

Have them earn the right for some fun on the weekends?  I would assign pairs of kids to each task.  So each night the kitchen is clean, they will get 1/2 hour of family game/activity time on Saturday.  So - five nights of clean kitchen = 2 1/2 hours.  Each day the pet care is all done without you nagging, they get 1/2 hour of free time on Saturday.  Again - total of 2 1/2 hours.  Five nights of Living/Dining room tidied and vacuumed = 2 1/2 hours.  Laundry gets left off of that list but if those things are done, you could all pitch in together to do a load or two a day.  Then you follow through on Saturday.  Whoever has earned family time gets to do your fun activity.  Whoever hasn't, gets to sit out.  Maybe too difficult to enforce?  I don't know, just brainstorming and perhaps it will shake something loose that will work for you.  

[Occasionally]

:grouphug:

 

For meals, how about something like freezer crock pot meals? (this is the first example from Google--there are many others)

 

Piggybacking off of what Jean said, could the kids earn a token for each chore done? My kids are younger than yours, so take that into consideration :) Mine earn a bean (just a dry pinto bean) when they do a chore, which is then worth x amount of screen time or, at the end of the week, y amount of money. I could definitely understand if you don't want to use money, but could you come up with some sort of currency that works for each kid?

 

Could you get a load of laundry started in the morning, and have one of them switch it to the dryer, so the only thing left to do is fold? (Each of mine, yes, even the 3yo, folds and puts away their own laundry.)

 

I hope you can find some way to make this manageable for you. :grouphug:  again.

[Renee in NC]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

Would any of those close friends be able to sit down with you and help you get organized - sometimes it is really helpful to me to have someone else think through things with me and maybe help me bring the house up to a level of clean/organized that you can start from. 

 

Then, maybe a family meeting - what are your kids willing to commit to?

 

Another idea:  could you hire someone to come in once a week - maybe while the kids are in school on Friday and do some basic stuff for you?  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

So sorry you have such a tough road to walk right now!!

 

Anne

 

It is actually pretty organized - I spent Thanksgiving weekend declutering, and I only have to do the bathrooms and finish mine and the girls' room.  Getting someone to come in once a week may be worth the sacrifice it would take to pay for it.  It would force us to keep it straight, yet have someone handle the actual heavy cleaning.  I'll definitely think on that some more, and ask around for recommendations.

 

I COULD use some help getting the outside done, but don't need help regularly.  Just not having to look at how junky and overgrown it has gotten would help my mood quite a bit.

 

 

Yes, pulling together is the answer.

 

Does your school district employ a social worker? These people usually can help with the how to get to the dr/dentist issues if you can't find one open on a day you don't work. Students can take a different bus to the provider's location; elementary students can be met there by a parent while middle and high school can be dropped off. There may be community volunteers able to provide supervision also. 

 

Most people I know that work long hours use the weekends for meal prep. All hands on board to prep and precook, then freeze/refrigerate so the actual meal goes quickly when they do arrive home.

 

I have talked to the a school social worker before, and I have a lot of connections at DSS.  There aren't a lot of resources for things like that.  Getting the kids TO the doctor's office would help, as it is right down from my work.  Right now to go to the doc requires a 45 minute each way trip.  I might consider switching doctors, but I'll have to think carefully.  We have a great ped with whom I have a great relationship.  As far as dentists, there isn't one in my closest town that takes state insurance, so we have to go to the city where I work.  It is another problem that needs a solution.

 

I definitely plan to do some precooking tomorrow for this week.

 

:grouphug:

 

For meals, how about something like freezer crock pot meals? (this is the first example from Google--there are many others)

 

Piggybacking off of what Jean said, could the kids earn a token for each chore done? My kids are younger than yours, so take that into consideration :) Mine earn a bean (just a dry pinto bean) when they do a chore, which is then worth x amount of screen time or, at the end of the week, y amount of money. I could definitely understand if you don't want to use money, but could you come up with some sort of currency that works for each kid?

 

Could you get a load of laundry started in the morning, and have one of them switch it to the dryer, so the only thing left to do is fold? (Each of mine, yes, even the 3yo, folds and puts away their own laundry.)

 

I hope you can find some way to make this manageable for you. :grouphug:  again.

 

I just need to hold them accountable - they either do it, or some consequence happens.  I need to be able to come home and inspect chores, finding them done.  They are all old enough to do this without the need for a system you describer.  Mine do fold their own clothes, and some do their own laundry (sort of.)  Laundry isn't an issue, really, other than it is one more thing to do.  I have about 2.5 hours from the time I get home until the kids go to bed, so even under a great deal of efficiency it is a lot to do.  I need to work on better utilizing my time from 5-6:30am and 8:30-11pm (These are times I am awake and kids aren't.)

 

Thanks for the ideas, everyone.

[Wheres Toto]

I agree with doing what you can to make things easier on yourself.  When I was a single, working mom (to just one though) meals were simple - pasta with a side of vegetables, chicken I could throw in the oven and nuke some veggies, and of course there's always take-out.

 

I know you are dealing with special needs, but would playing hard-ball help at all?

 

Don't allow privileges - tv, computer, whatever - until chores are done.

 

If things aren't cleaned up/put away they are taken away.  Your son who makes a mess - can you remove the items that wind up all over the place?

 

I know making them do their own laundry or doing without clean clothes would work for most teenage girls going to school, would it work for any of your boys?

 

Simplify laundry - keep all clothes in one place.  Either a central dresser/closet or even just fold each childs clothes into their own basket and that's where they get them out of.  Putting away the clothes is always the hardest part of doing laundry to me.  I now have my little guys put their own clothes away, even if they wind up tossed into a drawer.

 

:grouphug:   I'm not dealing with nearly what you are, yet I feel like I can't accomplish anything once I get home from work in the evenings.  I've had to seriously lower my idea of what I have the energy for.

[Renee in NC]

I agree with doing what you can to make things easier on yourself.  When I was a single, working mom (to just one though) meals were simple - pasta with a side of vegetables, chicken I could throw in the oven and nuke some veggies, and of course there's always take-out.

 

I know you are dealing with special needs, but would playing hard-ball help at all?

 

Don't allow privileges - tv, computer, whatever - until chores are done.

 

If things aren't cleaned up/put away they are taken away.  Your son who makes a mess - can you remove the items that wind up all over the place?

 

I know making them do their own laundry or doing without clean clothes would work for most teenage girls going to school, would it work for any of your boys?

 

Simplify laundry - keep all clothes in one place.  Either a central dresser/closet or even just fold each childs clothes into their own basket and that's where they get them out of.  Putting away the clothes is always the hardest part of doing laundry to me.  I now have my little guys put their own clothes away, even if they wind up tossed into a drawer.

 

:grouphug:   I'm not dealing with nearly what you are, yet I feel like I can't accomplish anything once I get home from work in the evenings.  I've had to seriously lower my idea of what I have the energy for.

 

The kids already fold and put away all their own clothes.  The 12yo won't wear dirty clothes, but the 11yo and 15yo don't care.   I may only spend 15 minutes a day on laundry.  Dinner prep, eating, and basic cleanup takes about an hour.  The 7yo's homework takes an hour to an hour and a half.  I have to help the 12yo with his at times (he spends about 2 hours on his, but that is not all hands on for me.)  The 11yo has to read to me (20 minutes.)  I have to supervise showers, getting ready for the next day, etc.  All of this adds up, and we only have roughly 2.5 hours to do it in.

 

They aren't allowed TV, computer, or any other "screens" during the week.  If I play hard ball, it would be that they didn't get dinner until chores were done.

 

I know everyone keeps saying, "Lower your standards," but there is only so low you can go.  There are basic things that have to be done everyday.  I can't do them all myself, but it seems that getting the kids to do then takes just as much time.  It came to a head this morning when my 12yo was screaming at his 15yo brother that he was tired of living in a trash hole.  The 4 boys share a room, and the 15yo can't seem to handle anything clean (he WANTS the mess.)

 

Everyone functions better in an orderly environment.  Everyone functions better with structure.  Ideally, I would hire someone to be here from 3:30 untli I get home that would supervise chores and help with homework.  Until I get a much better job, that won't be possible.  So I have to work with what I have.

 

Thanks for all the input - you are helping me think through how I can make this less overwhelming.

[Wheres Toto]

Is the room they share big enough to set up areas?  My aunt and uncle didn't have enough bedrooms and they put a set of bunk beds pretty much in the middle of the room and then blocked off one side on the top and one side on the bottom so one kid had a loft bed with a "wall" underneath and the other had a nook bed with a "wall" above. A foldable door or curtain closed off the remainder of the opening.  I don't know if your set-up would allow something like this to block off an area of the room for your 15 year old to have his mess without it taking over the space of the other boys?

[6wildhorses]

My husband recently set up famzoo for our kids. It's been a huge success. I never thought my teenage son would actually request to have a weekly bathroom assignment, but that's exactly what happened! Before this he had never cleaned a bathroom and had no intention of ever doing so. My 7 and 10 year olds are also doing more weekly chores because of famzoo. http://famzoo.com/

[Cammie]

Time for a family meeting.  Divorce is a time to change old patterns and establish new routines.  Most of your kids (I would leave the 7 and 4 year out of the meeting) are perfectly capable of understanding that mom cannot do everything.  Put it all out on the table.  Make a list of everything that needs to be done in and around the house on a weekly basis.  Ask what each one of them is willing to take on as "their" job.  Then come up with a schedule for rotating the other jobs you think they are capable of.  The 7 year old can be assigned to "assist" and have her own small jobs as well - taking care of her room, her clothes, etc.  You have a big family, you do not have to do everything.  Every few months call a meeting, review the status, reassign work, change out roles for the next 3 months.  Tell them this isn't about a punishment, this is about how a family works and now this family has to pull together or you cannot have the type of family/house you all deserve to have.

 

Good luck!

[Anne in CA]

Some people NEED the mess. I have an inlaw like this. She is very upset when she comes to my clean home and does her best to destroy it ASAP. It took me years but I had to learn that this is her mental illness, and she cannot be reasoned with. She does not see this as a problem. Losing things of great value has not changed this habit.

 

Your 15 yo may be angry and about any number of things and see the mess as security. Can you put him on a back porch or someplace else so the others have a chance? Otherwise he needs to be in a corner and the others need to be able to screen him off. Also, I would not give ANY spending money to kids who do not clean up after themselves. Even lunch money.

 

Other than that I would say not to expect them to do anything until you get home. Then flylady style sent them on 15 minutes worth of mission, like take out all the trash, pick up garbage, ect and when the 15 min is over whatever is undone is undone. Everyone eat up the pb&j sandwiches and move on. 

[Renee in NC]

My husband recently set up famzoo for our kids. It's been a huge success. I never thought my teenage son would actually request to have a weekly bathroom assignment, but that's exactly what happened! Before this he had never cleaned a bathroom and had no intention of ever doing so. My 7 and 10 year olds are also doing more weekly chores because of famzoo. http://famzoo.com/

 

That just seems...complicated.  How long does it take to set up and maintain?

 

My 15yo wouldn't go for it.  He can get work paying $8-10 an hour pretty regularly and gets paid more than that for occasional mechanics jobs ($75 minimum), so piddly amoutns for cleaning bathrooms wouldn't motivate him.

[Renee in NC]

 

.>>>  Getting the kids TO the doctor's office would help, as it is right down from my work.  Right now to go to the doc requires a 45 minute each way trip.  

 

Just ask quietly...you never know, there may be a bus heading that way to pick up someone from a private day placement or vo-tech or a McKinney-Vento run and they could make an exception and bring a student out with them.  My sons have a friend who routinely goes from school to his therapy appts via a nonroutine school bus stop arrangement...being high school the parent doesn't need to meet him, but he has to be functioning well enough to go from the bus inside to the reception area without wandering off. The bus then proceeds on with the regular stops on the route.

 

 

Where I work and where we live are totally separate places, so there is no bus between them.  My county does have a public transit system, but it is not for children, and only operates in our county.  Basically, I am going to have to schedule medical appts as efficiently as possible.  They already don't go unless absolutely necessary (other than an annual visit to keep us "active".)

 

I am beginning to calm down a little.  Reality is reality.

[Renee in NC]

Time for a family meeting.  Divorce is a time to change old patterns and establish new routines.  Most of your kids (I would leave the 7 and 4 year out of the meeting) are perfectly capable of understanding that mom cannot do everything.  Put it all out on the table.  Make a list of everything that needs to be done in and around the house on a weekly basis.  Ask what each one of them is willing to take on as "their" job.  Then come up with a schedule for rotating the other jobs you think they are capable of.  The 7 year old can be assigned to "assist" and have her own small jobs as well - taking care of her room, her clothes, etc.  You have a big family, you do not have to do everything.  Every few months call a meeting, review the status, reassign work, change out roles for the next 3 months.  Tell them this isn't about a punishment, this is about how a family works and now this family has to pull together or you cannot have the type of family/house you all deserve to have.

 

Good luck!

 

We already have the work divided up - it just isn't getting done.  That is the point.  Accountability takes time and energy that is in short supply.

 

Also, this isn't a normal divorce situation.  That is why we have therapists coming in twice a week (family systems therapists.)  There are significant mental health issues, an estranged husband who cannot care for himself, and some DV issues.  I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I won't have any help, financial or otherwise.  He is talking about leaving and moving home, which would leave me alone with 6 kids (at the same time, this would alleviate some other isseus.)  I have realized as I have mulled over this post that the chores aren't the issue, but rather a symptom of the problem. 

[Scarlett]

No advice but lots of ((( hugs)))

[swellmomma]

:grouphug: no advice.  I can sympathize completely.  My kids also get left to their own devices while I am working and refuse to do anything to help around here and in fact trash the place when I am at work (and not just messes, but actual damages to things).  I have no sage words of advice, just understanding.  Lists, and charts and assigning chores to be done is one thing.  Having them actually step up and do what they are assigned is another thing completely.  And I understand the exhaustion that comes with doing it all on your own.  I don't have 6 kids, frankly I am glad of it, I am struggling with 4.

[6wildhorses]

It does take some time to set up and maintain, but any system is going to take a certain amount of time and energy. Once it's set up the kids can check off the tasks they completed and you can review it. If you can't pay them enough to motivate them you can also add in a penalty for not doing their assigned chores. You can explain that it needs to be that way because you simply cannot do everything yourself and will need to hire someone if they refuse to do their part to take care of their messes. It may sound harsh, but if I were in a situation where everyone needed to contribute or basic household chores couldn't get done and/or they made a lot of extra messes around the house, then I would consider using that feature. I understand being too exhausted to set up a system. If this is going to be your new normal it would help in the long run if you could get everyone on board as a team, but now may or may not be the time to make it happen. Like I said, my husband set it up and runs it. I told him I couldn't deal with trying a whole new system, so I really do get it. I've just seen such good results, so I thought I'd mention it.

[Alicia64]

I got the best advice -- stay with me for a minute here -- when a dog trainer told me to make my new rescued German shepherd "work for everything." in other words, to get a treat, he had to sit.

 

To get a great toy, he had to sit and down. Etc.

 

I'd do that with the kids. I'd pull the TV, video games, DS etc. and tie it all to chores.

 

And if I had to put everything into my car so the kids couldn't get the stuff, I would.

 

I would also ask for accountability. My mom worked too and I would call her at 4 p.m. -- or whatever -- and say, "I emptied the dishwasher, made the casserole and fixed the salad. Can I do blah, blah, blah now?" That kind of thing.

 

I hope this helps and isn't just stupid. I'm so sorry. I'm overwhelmed with two.

 

Alley

[PeterPan]

Renee, it might be easier to prevent dirt than to clean it up.  My dh works construction, so he's huge on entry mats.  Do you have any?  The problem is not that your yard is messy but that the dirt comes INSIDE.  Even an old/free scrap of carpet would work.  Tape it down in front of your entry and have the kids use it.  I have *3* rugs people walk on before they get to the floor in my house.  Oops, make that 4!  Seriously.  I have a piece of carpet (berber, a scrap he found for free) taped on the floor in the garage.  It's about 3'X3'.  Then I have a door mat when you come into the house, a rug in the mudroom, AND another throw rug in the door way from the mudroom to the kitchen.  So by the time the person stomps through those rugs, most of the dirt is off and my floors stay relatively clean.  

 

You can also try having them take their shoes off in the house and having them wear slippers or flippers or whatever.

 

Ditto the person who said messes are comforting/sensory.  You can help this by trimming down the amount of stuff in their room.  Then allow mess with that smaller amount.

 

On your toilets, are you on city water?  If you are, then I'd do those toilet bowl drop/hanger things.  There are all sorts, so just pick one and stick it in.  That will keep the inside sanitary and spread how often you have to do the bowl.  Do you keep paper towels hanging in the bath?  Do this.  Have them wipe the mirror after they shower, and then that's done.  Then you're just down to the sink (1 min) and the toilet seat (1 min).  

 

Don't pay for chores.  It doesn't change their heart or improve compliance.  Pick when you want it done, when you can inspect, and send them away from the table to go do it if it isn't done.  

 

Sorry things are so rough.  Ditto making something ahead on the weekends.  Make really simple food.  A pot of chili will go a couple days.  Salad and crockpot chicken, just simple stuff.  Then make your more homey meals on the weekend.

 

If you're sleeping from 11pm to 5 am,  you might not be sleeping enough.  Sleep 7 hours and let something go.  You need to be mentally strong and spiritually strong, and you can't do that if you're overtired and snappy and having a hard time thinking.  They need a stable, healthy, alive mama even more than they need a clean house.  (I mention the alive because we know someone who crossed traffic when she was overtired.)  

 

Since your dc have SN, you're probably going to have to do the task WITH them to get them to do it.  You'll probably have better success if you pick a task and have them do it daily for a month.  That way they get into a routine.  You might try a buddy system, pairing an older and a younger and having the older supervise/assist the younger in his chore.  Do something really idiotically simple like a checklist on the door with stickers, something you can inspect every single day without it being a huge production, and put the oldest in charge of that as part of their deal.  So the oldest gets some light/more pleasant chore, because you pan off to him the job every bossy oldest sibling wants.

[elegantlion]

That just seems...complicated.  How long does it take to set up and maintain?

 

My 15yo wouldn't go for it.  He can get work paying $8-10 an hour pretty regularly and gets paid more than that for occasional mechanics jobs ($75 minimum), so piddly amoutns for cleaning bathrooms wouldn't motivate him.

 

Yeah, my son would be like that. Systems are great when everyone is on board, but at 15 and with some kids who've been out in the "real working world" it's harder to cajole them into helping around the house for "piddly" amounts. 

 

I pay my son an allowance for certain chores (long established rule, working well). Other chores he does because he lives here. If the chore doesn't get done, I don't pay him. Thankfully it's a chore that can go a few weeks and not drive me insane.  

 

Renee, would it be helpful to identify one or two areas that tend to irritate you most about being messy and then work on the other kids helping keep that area clean for your own sanity?

[applethyme]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

When my nieces and nephew were tweens and making my sisters life difficult with their messy ways we would put on some fun music and clean until the songs were over.  If we did this in 15- 20 minutes increments with 20 minutes breaks in between it didn't feel like the whole day was spent cleaning.  After the cleaning was done then there was a special treat like home made brownies or cookies.  It took a few weeks but this helped put a little "fun" back into cleaning. 

 

Or you could try what my coworker did.  She kept asking and asking her family to help with the cleaning ect without luck.  She waited until everyone was at school and work and took every electronic game, tv, and toy that she was tired of picking up and rented a storage locker.  Her family had to earn back each item in the storage locker.  She was the only one with the key (or who knew where it was). 

[NorthwestMom]

((Renee)).  I wish I lived closer so I could help you out.  I admire you tremendously for facing this situation courageously and it's obvious that you have a lot of strength.  Kudos to you. I hope things get better for you soon and you stay safe.

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

Anything found out goes in a bag or box and put up for at least a week, chores to earn back. Make yourself a sandwich if kitchen is not clean enough for you to cook. Eventually, the messy ones will not have any stuff to be messy with if you follow through for a few weeks!

 

Can the reading be done to you every other night and to a sibling on other nights?

 

Easy kid friendy meals for them to cook like pancakes, soup and sandwiches, etc. Because of my food allergies, my children make their own lunch most days and dinner occasionally.

[LibraryLover]

That all sounds exhausting, Rene.  It's not right for one person to have the burden of all of that. I know you can't change the situation right now, and I am sorry.   It seems too much for one person, especially given the needs of your ds.  

 

I do like the idea of trying to find some paid help. I hope you can swing that. If you could find a young man, I bet that would help your son. Someone kind, but firm,  who could help him stay calm, help with homework, play cards, maybe start some dinner, motivate the kids to help him with some yard work. That sounds like a pipe dream, probably, and college students charge quite a lot for babysitting. Do any of your friends know a hardworking 19 or 20 something male student who might cut you a little slack on the hourly rate?

[SKL]

When I was a kid, it was 4 to 6 of us (depending on which year) and we kids had to do the cooking and clean the kitchen after dinner.  Picking up around the house was done on Saturdays, unless someone really went overboard on the mess.

 

Not all of us were equally motivated.  I had a brother who was an extreme slob, but he was a great cook.  So his job was the cooking.  My other older brother was kind of lazy with the day-to-day stuff, so he had to do the periodic heavy stuff such as taking out the garbage and scrubbing the toilets.  I was the clean-y kid, so I was responsible for cleaning the kitchen and, weekly, most of the bedrooms.  We shared responsibility for the wee ones - feeding, diapers, making sure they were never unsupervised.  While none of us loved changing poopy diapers, none of us could bear the thought of them NOT being changed, so it got done.

 

So part of it is giving some thought to what each kid likes vs. hates vs. tolerates.

 

Part of it, too, is reducing the overall burden, at least in the short run, while they are on a learning curve.  I would stop cooking on weekdays.  Instead I'd cook with the kids on a weekend day, teaching them as you go, and save some leftovers.  On weekdays you can eat leftovers, cold foods, or simple stuff that the kids can cook.  This should make clean-up easier, too.  And, you might even want to switch to paper plates during really crazy times.

 

As for the messy child's bedroom.  My mom had this problem too.  What she did was to decide that he did not deserve to have a space of his own if he could not manage it at any reasonable level.  Certainly if he has that much mess, he must have too much stuff.  I'd figure out a plan to get rid of a lot of his stuff and make him keep the rest neatly in a common area.  Maybe make him "check out" up to 3 things that he's going to actually use at a given time.  As he improves his organization he can have more control.  After all, it's your house and your family needs to be able to get to the window in every room.

 

Good luck.

[Renee in NC]

When I was a kid, it was 4 to 6 of us (depending on which year) and we kids had to do the cooking and clean the kitchen after dinner.  Picking up around the house was done on Saturdays, unless someone really went overboard on the mess.

 

Not all of us were equally motivated.  I had a brother who was an extreme slob, but he was a great cook.  So his job was the cooking.  My other older brother was kind of lazy with the day-to-day stuff, so he had to do the periodic heavy stuff such as taking out the garbage and scrubbing the toilets.  I was the clean-y kid, so I was responsible for cleaning the kitchen and, weekly, most of the bedrooms.  We shared responsibility for the wee ones - feeding, diapers, making sure they were never unsupervised.  While none of us loved changing poopy diapers, none of us could bear the thought of them NOT being changed, so it got done.

 

So part of it is giving some thought to what each kid likes vs. hates vs. tolerates.

 

Part of it, too, is reducing the overall burden, at least in the short run, while they are on a learning curve.  I would stop cooking on weekdays.  Instead I'd cook with the kids on a weekend day, teaching them as you go, and save some leftovers.  On weekdays you can eat leftovers, cold foods, or simple stuff that the kids can cook.  This should make clean-up easier, too.  And, you might even want to switch to paper plates during really crazy times.

 

As for the messy child's bedroom.  My mom had this problem too.  What she did was to decide that he did not deserve to have a space of his own if he could not manage it at any reasonable level.  Certainly if he has that much mess, he must have too much stuff.  I'd figure out a plan to get rid of a lot of his stuff and make him keep the rest neatly in a common area.  Maybe make him "check out" up to 3 things that he's going to actually use at a given time.  As he improves his organization he can have more control.  After all, it's your house and your family needs to be able to get to the window in every room.

 

Good luck.

 

Several people have said that I should stop cooking during the week.  I don't understand.  Do people really not eat hot meals every night?  I am having trouble wrapping my head around eating leftovers, sandwiches, breakfast foods, etc. every night.  That is such a foreign concept to me.  I have been using my crockpot and making casseroles (both of which were not allowed when he was still here.)  I have simplified meal planning by setting a "theme" every night (soup, pasta, chicken, etc.)  I meal plan 1/2 a month at a time. Meal prep, eating, and clean up takes about an hour.

 

We have a dishwasher.  I am going to insist that none of us leave the table/kitchen until everything is cleaned.  If we all pitch in, we can do it in 15 minutes or so.

 

As it is now, each child has a room that they are responsible for.  The problem is that I haven't held them accountable for that.  So, I will remind them to do their chores when they get home.  They don't get dinner until they are done.  That is simple, to the point, and doesn't take a lot of planning or thinking.

 

As for the messy child...I don't know yet.  He just cleaned the shed out and took all of his tools and car/engine parts to the new shop he is working out of.  Maybe I'll move everything but his clothes to the shed, and only leave the clothes he actually wears.

 

The house isn't terrible right now...just needs a quick pick up and the bathrooms cleaned.  My 9yo mopped the kitchen and dining room yesterday, and most of the floors have been vacuumed.

 

It will be ok...I hope.

[PeterPan]

I think people just meant that for them breakfast foods (omelets, etc.) are fast to cook.  Sounds you already have that nailed!  You're doing great.  It's just a hard stage.  He sounds abusive or at least controlling if he wouldn't even let you use a crockpot.  Good for you for standing up for yourself and protecting you all.  

[Anne in CA]

I do want to say that planning meals 1/2 month in advance is AWESOME. But you don't have to live according to the "rules" your ex had. You can eat whatever you want to cook for dinner however you want to eat it. You are taking all the responsibility, you should have all the choices.

[Renee in NC]

I do want to say that planning meals 1/2 month in advance is AWESOME. But you don't have to live according to the "rules" your ex had. You can eat whatever you want to cook for dinner however you want to eat it. You are taking all the responsibility, you should have all the choices.

 

Oh I do now.  We eat TONS of things that he didn't like and wouldn't eat.  Casseroles, crock pot meals, and soups are the biggies.  Rice is another.   Meal planning a 1/2 month in advance is important because that is how I get paid, and I do one big shopping trip twice a month.  No matter how well I plan, though, I still have to cook it!

[Anne in CA]

It is still impressive that you cook it. Most single moms that I know who can afford it eat takeout and the ones who cannot afford takeout eat sandwiches and hot pockets, lol. I do not fault them for it one bit. They are hard working women and deserve to come home and eat a hot pocket if that is what makes them happy. I am sure you are saving money and eating more healthy, but it is a trade-off of your energy for sure.

[SKL]

Yes, it's true that some of us don't cook most days.  I'm also a single mom with a demanding job, though I only have two kids (ages 6 and 7).  I want my kids to do physical activities after my work hours, and in order for that to happen, I cannot spend an hour or more on dinner every night.  We sometimes have cold sandwiches; sometimes leftovers; sometimes a very quick hot meal involving eggs, mac'n'cheese, canned goods, raw fruits/veggies, etc.; sometimes fast food.  It's not as bad as it sounds.  :)  PS, my leftovers come from the Sunday meals that my sister cooks for us (she is my Sunday nanny because she needs the money), and Friday restaurant dinners with my business partners.  So, I don't cook on the weekends, either.  :)  Lucky me, I know.  (Though it may be my kids who are lucky - depends whom you ask.  ;) )

 

It does sound like you have things pretty well under control.  Transitions are always hard and take time to get used to.  It takes me about a year to get used to a big life change.  Meanwhile, it can feel like things are out of control, even though they really aren't that bad objectively.  Of course it's more stressful when you have nobody to cover for you should anything go wrong.  But you get through.

 

Again, good luck!

[swellmomma]

I cook everyday, but our hot meal is at lunch time and light meal is at dinner.  That's due to my working schedule of evenings/weekends followed by extra curriculars.  I know of very few single moms that eat take out often, it is too expensive but they most certainly don't eat just hot pockets and sandwiches either.  The menu planning for 2 weeks in advance is perfect.  Being smart and planning ahead and using the crockpot etc means a nice hot meal when you get home from work.  What I used to do when we had our hot meal at dinner time was prep for the next day while we cleaned up from supper.  So for example, if I knew that tomorrow I needed a certain meat out of the freezer, particular veggies sliced up etc then I did that before I washed those dishes.  That way the next night I merely got home threw it in a pot and turned it on (or in the crock in the am).  Then I could prep for the next night while the meal was already cooking.  It saved me a lot of time for sure.  If I knew I was making a soup for the next day I had my stock simmering all evening and would put it in the fridge over night and then when I was ready to make supper I would skim any fat off, bring it back up to a boil and add the chopped veggies and meat for example and simmer for like 20 minutes.  Home made soup in under 30 minutes on a work night because the main part of the work was done the night before. 

During that prep time was a good time to make school lunches for the next day (back when my oldest were in ps) as well.  That made it easier to get out the door in the morning and less mess to contend with in the am.

 

Now I don't do the prep the night before.  I do the prep and cooking while the kids do their morning lessons and we eat our big meal at about 1pm.  I leave for work at 230pm so we need to be good and full by then.  The kids are usually fine with just a snack until we get home anywhere between 8-10pm at which time they have sandwiches, canned soup, left overs etc before heading to bed.  I don't want them having a big meal that close to bedtime so it is more like what most people would eat in their lunch kwim.  Saturday nights are the exception.  Saturday nights we eat our "Sunday dinner", because I work 6am-2pm so I come home and cook our nicest meal of the week at that time.

[Cammie]

I think you are doing an amazing job!  The meal planning thing is HUGE and very impressive.  I think accountability comes from having understood that there is work to be done, that they have to do it, and that there are consequences if it is not done. 

 

You can do this.  Being a single mom to a large family is something I can't even imagine.  But with your ex out of the way and DV issues/mental health no longer your immediate problem (hopefully) I am sure you will find that the whole atmosphere can improve.  I hope you are also getting some mental health support for yourself as a victim of DV.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Renee in NC]

I think you are doing an amazing job!  The meal planning thing is HUGE and very impressive.  I think accountability comes from having understood that there is work to be done, that they have to do it, and that there are consequences if it is not done. 

 

You can do this.  Being a single mom to a large family is something I can't even imagine.  But with your ex out of the way and DV issues/mental health no longer your immediate problem (hopefully) I am sure you will find that the whole atmosphere can improve.  I hope you are also getting some mental health support for yourself as a victim of DV.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Just to be clear - there has never been any physical DV (lots of control and inymidation though.)  However, the mental illness has put me in danger in the past, and since he is de-stabilizing a bit, the fear is that big changes will put me in danger again.  I don't want to say anymore than that on a public forum.

 

I need a better job, and I plan to have one before the school year is out.  First on the agenda is the nanny and/or housekeeper.  Even someone 10 hours a week would make a HUGE difference!

[Renee in NC]

It is still impressive that you cook it. Most single moms that I know who can afford it eat takeout and the ones who cannot afford takeout eat sandwiches and hot pockets, lol. I do not fault them for it one bit. They are hard working women and deserve to come home and eat a hot pocket if that is what makes them happy. I am sure you are saving money and eating more healthy, but it is a trade-off of your energy for sure.

 

Trust me - I'd rather eat take out!  :lol:

[AmyontheFarm]

I was going to suggest a "Mother's Helper" who could come in each night help with homework, listen to the one child read for 20 minutes, etc.  My girlfriend hired a college student who came in for a total of 6 hours a week and when she came in the door a schedule would be written out for her and Mom would be teaching a few of the kids downstairs in the classroom while 2 of the other children were upstairs with the Mother's Helper.

 

Odd jobs she did,

-Oversee the kids putting their laundry away neatly and make sure baskets were returned to laundry room.

Oversee the kids emptying the dishwasher

Empty all the garbage cans and take to the road

Take recycling to the road

Vacuum main floor as kids picked up things

Dust

Clean bathroom

Helped little ones get toys from under their beds put away - so the vacuum wouldn't eat them up

Clean junk from the car

Listen to kids read

Mark their Saxon math answers

Water plants

Flip laundry over to keep it moving.

 

Just a bunch of little jobs that need doing that take time but truthfully anyone could do them.  The college student would let Mom know when exams were coming and she would have two weeks off during that time.  When the student found a better paying part time job, the Mom offered to let her keep coming and would work around her hours, so the student kept coming.  Another friend hired a "Grandma",  Grandma comes over and helps dd bake cookies, teacher dd how to dust and vacuum, takes care of many little things to help out mom and since it's a cash basis, it helps out Grandma too.  But the biggest exchange is Grandma doesn't drive, so Mom will pick up Grandma and they'll go to the grocery store together.

[Renee in NC]

I was going to suggest a "Mother's Helper" who could come in each night help with homework, listen to the one child read for 20 minutes, etc.  My girlfriend hired a college student who came in for a total of 6 hours a week and when she came in the door a schedule would be written out for her and Mom would be teaching a few of the kids downstairs in the classroom while 2 of the other children were upstairs with the Mother's Helper.

 

Odd jobs she did,

-Oversee the kids putting their laundry away neatly and make sure baskets were returned to laundry room.

Oversee the kids emptying the dishwasher

Empty all the garbage cans and take to the road

Take recycling to the road

Vacuum main floor as kids picked up things

Dust

Clean bathroom

Helped little ones get toys from under their beds put away - so the vacuum wouldn't eat them up

Clean junk from the car

Listen to kids read

Mark their Saxon math answers

Water plants

Flip laundry over to keep it moving.

 

Just a bunch of little jobs that need doing that take time but truthfully anyone could do them.  The college student would let Mom know when exams were coming and she would have two weeks off during that time.  When the student found a better paying part time job, the Mom offered to let her keep coming and would work around her hours, so the student kept coming.  Another friend hired a "Grandma",  Grandma comes over and helps dd bake cookies, teacher dd how to dust and vacuum, takes care of many little things to help out mom and since it's a cash basis, it helps out Grandma too.  But the biggest exchange is Grandma doesn't drive, so Mom will pick up Grandma and they'll go to the grocery store together.

 

That is what I plan to do once I have a better job.  I want someone 10-15 hours a week or so.  It will cost me roughly $120-210 a week or more, plus taxes.  (Most ads I have seen are looking for $12-14 an hour.)  I have to find summer help, too, for more hours (my 12yo will be 13, but that is a lot to ask of him.)

 

I kee telling myself that it will all work out.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  

[SKL]

That is what I plan to do once I have a better job.  I want someone 10-15 hours a week or so.  It will cost me roughly $120-210 a week or more, plus taxes.  (Most ads I have seen are looking for $12-14 an hour.)  I have to find summer help, too, for more hours (my 12yo will be 13, but that is a lot to ask of him.)

 

I kee telling myself that it will all work out.

 

I also benefit a lot from part-time paid help.  I work 7 days, so this does a lot to save my sanity.  The details:

 

• Saturday nanny - usually 5 hours, but can be all day:  drives the kids around to morning activities, feeds them lunch, and sometimes she takes them to her house afterwards if I have a really busy work day.  Nanny is a Spanish-speaking artist, so theoretically she also teaches them Spanish and art, but this depends on what else is going on.  The other nice thing is that Nanny exposes my girls to Hispanic culture (my girls are from a Latin American country).

• Sunday "nanny" - 8 hours:  my sister picks the kids up at gym (where I drop them after church / Sunday School) and takes care of them (and handles lunch & dinner) until bedtime.  My sister will work with them on piano, math practice, therapy, and whatever they need to prep for school, and she does read-alouds with them.

• Weekday child care:  the kids are in aftercare at school from 3pm to 6pm.  They do homework, reading, exercise, and a lot of socializing there, learn kid culture and games, and that's where they see the TV, since we don't watch it at home.  Their piano teacher comes to the school to give them their weekly lesson.  Another perk is that if there is something they don't understand about their homework, they may be able to go ask their teacher.  The cost is very reasonable - $1.50/hr/kid.

• Monthly maids - total 6 hours (but part is for other adults who live here):  they do the basic cleaning - floors etc. 

• Outside:  I pay a guy $25 per week for lawn service (warmer months) and I have a deal with a snowplow owner to clear my driveway for $25 each time there is significant snow accumulation.

If I had older kids, I'd probably be able to have them do some of the above.  But the convenience (and lack of drama) of just trusting someone to come and do it may be worth continuing some of the services regardless.