Jean in Newcastle Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 I know a number of families where the grandparents spend more man-hours raising the young children in the family than the parents do. I saw a toddler last night who was way more comfortable asking Grammie for crackers etc. than mom or dad. Which means nothing by itself. I just know that the two sets of grandparents take turns every day providing childcare. And every time the child needed something during the evening she went to a grandparent instead of the parents. (The child was obviously very healthy and happy, so absolutely no judgment there.) I'm just wondering how, down the road, such arrangements affect the parent-child relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 It's very common in Mainland China for the grandparents to do most of the caring for the young children while both parents work full time. Until recently, the retirement age for women was fifty in many cases, so there were a lot of young grannies around. In the families that I observed, the grandparents were more likely to manage the emotional side, whilst the parents were more involved in logistics, study, future plans, etc. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 I'm guessing if the grandparent-parent relationship is a good one, then the parent-child relationship will remain strong. On both sides of our family there are kids who are very close to their grandparents the way you described. In both cases the grandparents have a lot of respect for the wishes and rules of the parents. There is no undermining or manipulating going on. If a child tries to use a grandparent to go around the rules, the grandparent does not allow it. There is also good communication between grandparents and parents. All of the kids are still close to the parents as well. I can see how there would be a big problem eventually between parent and child if the adults are not all working as a team and following the same rules for the children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 Well, I am home with my kids daily and mine will still go to either set of grandparents first and ask for snacks, treats, etc. They know they will get it out of them before they will get it out of me. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 Well, I am home with my kids daily and mine will still go to either set of grandparents first and ask for snacks, treats, etc. They know they will get it out of them before they will get it out of me. :) Same with mine. It is not a matter of the kids being more comfortable asking the grandparents, they are just smart enough to know that if they ask me the answer will be no, and if they ask them the answer is more likely to be yes. If it is for a treat they always ask the grandparents first even when I am standing right there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 21, 2013 Author Share Posted September 21, 2013 Same with mine. It is not a matter of the kids being more comfortable asking the grandparents, they are just smart enough to know that if they ask me the answer will be no, and if they ask them the answer is more likely to be yes. If it is for a treat they always ask the grandparents first even when I am standing right there. Well, I am home with my kids daily and mine will still go to either set of grandparents first and ask for snacks, treats, etc. They know they will get it out of them before they will get it out of me. :) Which has nothing to do with the actual question I asked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 My initial thought, which may or may not really be pertinent -- I'd rather my kids feel that close and bonded to their grandparents than to some other caregiver (I'm thinking day care here) that I knew very little about. When my kids were little I always felt that their grandparents were really just an extension of me and DH. I never really saw them as "taking over" something that was ours, but rather that they were helping to share the load. As far as I can tell it hasn't affected any of our relationships at all, and my boys are teens now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 Which has nothing to do with the actual question I asked. Oh I know that. I had no answer to the original, just replying to Mandylubug because I could :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 My nephew and sister lived with my parents for the first few years of his life. My sister was in college, and my mom retired to stay at home with my nephew. My nephew is now 17 and a junior in high school. He has a perfectly wonderful relationship with his mom and step dad. He is very close to my parents, even though they live 1500 miles away now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 Which has nothing to do with the actual question I asked. True, I have no answer to your actual question! I haven't experienced that myself, personally. I think all relationships vary on more than one variable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 It's very common in Mainland China for the grandparents to do most of the caring for the young children while both parents work full time. Until recently, the retirement age for women was fifty in many cases, so there were a lot of young grannies around. In the families that I observed, the grandparents were more likely to manage the emotional side, whilst the parents were more involved in logistics, study, future plans, etc. L I know a woman who teaches high school in China. She says that every year several of her students have to deal with the death of a grandparent, and that such deaths are very traumatic because grandparents have played the role of primary caregivers so the experience of losing a grandparent is like losing a parent. She does think the children are often more bonded to grandparents than to parents, especially as many parents go away to other cities to work while the children live with their grandparents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 I agree that grandparents play different roles than parents, and this need not overshadow the parents' role. (Of course it *could* in some cases, which could also be a good thing at times.) When it comes to snacks and other material comforts, yes, it's easier to ask the grandparents because the grandparents can concern themselves with the here and now. As a parent I have set rules and parameters intended to produce good results in the long run. Daily math practice, choosing fruits over ice creams, chores, etc. My parents assume I have that under control and so they give treats. :) If they watched my kids daily, we'd have to discuss what treats were OK for them to give. I think the really telling thing is who the child goes to when she's sick or seriously sad or afraid. Whose hug does she need in order to feel better? Also, who does she feel safe with at vulnerable times, such as while having a bath (after a certain age)? As long as the child has at least one truly good bond with a permanent caregiver, I think all is well. I'm not sure it matters who that bond is with. As an adoptive parent, I learned that a child who developed a good bond in foster care will learn to love and attach much more readily than a child who had weaker bonding in foster / orphanage care. I saw this to be true with my daughters. I think that as long as the child has one healthy bond, it is good for her to have multiple caregivers. Grandparents in particular help by enculturating the child into the family traditions while her mom is busy with bread-winning. As long as there is no apparent animosity in the family dynamic, it probably doesn't matter whom the child goes to for material things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 21, 2013 Author Share Posted September 21, 2013 Very good points from all of you. My own frame of reference is one of growing up in a different country (and continent) from my grandparents and only seeing them every 4 years. In other words, I have no personal experience to go off of. I'm also just interested in this from a sociological perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I know a number of families where the grandparents spend more man-hours raising the young children in the family than the parents do...I'm just wondering how, down the road, such arrangements affect the parent-child relationship. Well, in my area/region a lot of grandparents, godmothers, aunts/uncles and even adult siblings are putting in the hours on day to day tasks to raise kids and it is usually for various reasons but as a whole, I have to say that it doesn't really effect the parent-child relationship one way or the other. My best friend lived with/stayed at her Grandmothers house about 45-60% of the time that she was a young girl of school age. She caught the bus from her Grandmas to school in the morning and returned home there after school. They had breakfast, snacks and lunch there most days. She and her mom get along just fine. There were weeks when my friend would stay with her grandmother and only see her mom on the weekend or on school breaks. There were times when she stayed with us for weeks at a time. She lives with her mom pretty much full time, she and her mom are close and they are a lot alike. The mom just couldn't be there to pander to her day to day because she worked. Ask yourself to flip this around--think of kids who see their grandparents only on weekends or a few times a week yet they manage to bond with and enjoy their grandparents. The grandparents take them to sandwich cafes, and fishing and come to school plays. The grandparents celebrate family events and personal milestones and yet many kids will enumerate all the great things about their Granny to anyone who will listen. But there are grandparents who are standoffish, quiet or uninvolved even when they are in the presence of their grandkids and the grandkids are scared/nervous or uneasy around their grandparents and will admit that they don't really know their grandparents. The thing is, every relationship has to exist and be established and nurtured on its own. You can have a great relationship with your parents and feel close to them even if you don't see them daily/live with them. So long as the parents establish that relationship, where and who you live with does not have to matter at all. The people I know who don't have a good relationship with their parents are because the parents and children didn't establish one. I know someone who resents and is bitter toward their parents even though their parents raised them. There are plenty of kids with day nannies who still dote on, love and admire their folks. There are kids with day nannies who resent, hate or harbor anger and bitterness toward their parents. There are kids who treat their day-to-day care takers like sh!t and are good to their parents. Each relationship and dynamic is unique, it doesn't matter so much who is fixing the meals and passing out snacks, bathing and putting to bed. It does matter what goes on during the times that parents share with their kids, how they talk to their kids, how they treat them and respond to their wants, needs and desires. It matters immeasurably how the parents and children get a long with each other in the presence of and out of the presence of the day-to-day care giver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I was closer to one of my grandmother's (my dad's mom) than anyone else until she died when I was 12. I didn't love or need my parents less, but I spent every moment I could with my grandma and she was my very favorite person. I stayed with her often when my family would go on vacation because I would rather be with her. I was even allowed to stay with her on many school nights and she would take me and pick me up from school. I would often stay days or weeks with her in the summer and would see my parents if we went over for dinner or they came to my grandparent's house. I'm so glad it didn't bother my parents and they allowed me to have that time with her. Today, I talk with my mom at least once a day, am close with my siblings, and was very close to my dad until his death. So, it didn't affect my relationships with the rest of my family at all. I actually wish we were closer to family now so my dds could have that kind of relationship with their grandparents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I wonder about how this plays out long-term, too. There are two such relationships in my extended family, with a toddler and with a young child. It bothers me (you know, in a "this is not my business, but I still get feelings about it" way.) Probably b/c I know it would bother me if MY kids had more of a parent-child relationship with my parents than with me. I was very close to my own grandparents, but they never parented me. They spoiled me, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Long-term, I don't know. And my son has an "in addition to" relationship with my parents, not "instead of", if that makes sense. It was important to use that grandparents be a part of ds's life. As fate would have it, he was born on my mom's birthday. They are best buddies, still. When we lived away from them, all he wanted to do was go back "home" on his birthday. I barely knew my grandparents as individuals, ds has the experience of knowing them. Ds has everything in a grandmother I never had. The relationship has played out very much like I wanted. I have countless pictures where there is simply joy in their eyes when they're together. He and I get along great, but he has something special with my mom. Long-term I hope he continues to view her as a second mom of sorts. I do fear the day she passes away, she is a big part of his support system. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I have wondered about this exact question myself. Our single dd lives with us as well as her 15 month old dd. We have her Wed-Sunday all day when dd is at work. The minute dd comes in the door, she's on mommy duty. We become completely hands off unless of course dd needs us. I wonder about their relationship in the next several years and how it will develop...it's sort of fun to watch. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incognito Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I did not have close grandparents in my life when I was little, and it was very different to come into DH's family where he did. I don't think it took away from his parent-child relationship with his parents, but I do think it makes for different boundaries and different expectations when it comes to how kids are treated. For instance, I tend to want to comfort my children if I am there. My MIL thinks it is her job. There is conflict there. It works itself out, but I think this sort of thing comes from different expectations of how the grandparent/grandchild relationship functions at a basic level. I would also interject, that if it isn't the grandparents doing the parenting (when the parents are gone), it is someone. So it may be multiple daycare providers through the years or other family or something. I think the consistency of the loving figures in a child's life does in some ways make up for the slight blurring of some boundaries that the parents/grandparents need to figure out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbecueMom Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 My mom was a single mother, and we lived with my grandparents until I was two or three. I have a suspicion that my grandparents did more than half of the parenting during those couple years, as most of my memories from that time was of them, not my mother. Things like being comforted in my crib by my grandpa in the middle of the night, sleeping in between my grandparents after a bad dream, having a diaper changed, and watching my mom's plane leave as she went on a vacation with friends. They have been gone for twenty years now, and my mom would never admit to being distant or occasionally absent when I was little, but I do wonder how much of our clashing is due to personality differences versus some sort of bonding issue. So no answers, but I'm also curious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 in my other life, it was a regular sitter and a boarder, both of whom had childcare responsibilites while i worked more than full time and went to school half time... what we noticed was that when they needed a "thing", they asked someone who wasn't me. (eg. a cracker, dinner, a tshirt, books, etc) but then, in those days, so did i. when they fell, it was me they ran to. we worked really hard on the emotional bond. bedtime reading and morning snuggles were crucial. breakfast and dinner at the table together was really important. and time walking to and from school+work and walking the dog were important, because they talked then. its a different relationship, but can still be strong. fwiw, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I actually think it's healthier to form significant bonds outside of your nuclear family. I see so many families that would never allow this and it seems limiting to me. I've met more than one mom who is proud that nobody but the parents have ever cared for the kids. I'm never sure what response they expect from this little piece of information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I think when the parents and grandparents are in agreement, it can be a great benefit and bonding for all of them. I have yet to see a single instance where grandparents interfered with parenting in a disagreeable manner that ended up with grandchildren that were particularly bonded with either. I'm sure there are plenty of exceptions to either, but that's what I've observed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Well, my situation wasn't exactly what you describe, but I'll answer anyway. :P When I was born, I lived with my mom and my grandparents. My mother was still a bit of a party animal, so she wasn't home a lot. My grandparents took care of me the majority of the time, however, my grandma tells me that when she was there, she was a good mom and took good care of me, and that I loved her. This was our life until I was around 3-4, when she decided to move away with her boyfriend, at which point I was under the sole care of my grandparents. Obviously this case is much more drastic than what you were describing in the OP. Over the years, I went from not understanding, to 'hating' her, to acceptance and eventually, being thankful for that decision she made. I'm sorry that it led her to other bad decisions down the road, but my life would be drastically different had she chosen to take me with her OR to stay there with all of us. We did see her again when I was 7, and then off and on from then until I had gotten married, and overall had a pretty good relationship with her. Now? My grandparents are my 'parents' and my mother is more like an aunt, or a sister who is 19 years older than me. But, like I said, this is a much more drastic situation than what you describe. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tita Gidge Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I'm guessing if the grandparent-parent relationship is a good one, then the parent-child relationship will remain strong. On both sides of our family there are kids who are very close to their grandparents the way you described. In both cases the grandparents have a lot of respect for the wishes and rules of the parents. There is no undermining or manipulating going on. If a child tries to use a grandparent to go around the rules, the grandparent does not allow it. There is also good communication between grandparents and parents. All of the kids are still close to the parents as well. I can see how there would be a big problem eventually between parent and child if the adults are not all working as a team and following the same rules for the children. Jean, this response above is pretty much my experience. My grandparents always lived with us, and would be included in the circle of primary caregivers. My grandmother is in her 90s, still lives with me, and is still providing daily caregiving to great-grandchildren and a great-great grandchild who just turned 2 - we tried to force her into retirement, but she says the kids are her fountain of youth :) I am very close to my parents, and always have been. It might be likened to the different friendships one has -- how when you need a good cry, you go to the friend with a good ear, bear hugs, and dark chocolate ... and when you need a kick in the pants you find the friend who doesn't mince words but who speaks from a place of love. You don't go to the second friend when you need to cry, nor to the first friend when you need to hear the cold, hard truth about stuff. How close you are to each friend is somewhat irrelevant in deciding which you seek out based on a specific need or situation. That's how I see this. I adore my grandmother like nobody's business. When my mom got pregnant again after me, I moved into my grandmother's bed. I slept there off and on throughout my adolescence. Truth be told, when my husband fell ill I spent more than a few nights snuggled up in Grandmother's bed LOL. She's the friend I seek out when I need a shoulder to cry on. But I also love my mother and would do anything for her. She's spent her life in selfless dedication to improving ours, as a family. She says to jump, and I ask how high. When my neices and nephews lost both parents in the span of a few months, Mom asked me take in the kids. Me, with a full-time job, more kids than any of my siblings, and a husband who spent more time downrange than he did home. She's the friend I ask when I want to honestly know if the jeans I'm wearing makes my butt look big or if I'm being an idiot to someone LOL. (I'm that annoying sister/SIL/cousin/daughter/you-name-it that is always needing to be kept in check!) I wouldn't consider myself closer to one or the other, and frequently when I'm stuck in the decision-making process I'll consult them both. They offer such varied insights, in such varied manners. I benefit so greatly from their personalities, their life experiences, their collective wisdom, and most of all from their respect for one another and their own, close relationship. My mother was lived with, and was primarily cared for, by her grandparents. Maybe it works for us because it's been modeled well and we've always shared a roof :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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