I was a binge drinker as a teen.

[unsinkable]

I can start listing the reasons...but the short version is:

 

My parents were alcoholics...and then they were dead.

 

I hurt so much and being drunk felt so damn good.

 

And I was a good drinker. I was the girl who could out drink all the other girls and most of the boys.

 

A few times I woke up with no memory of where I was or how I got there. Sexual things happened. Some of the incidents I'd remember hours or days later. Sometimes the guy would tell me. Sometimes my girlfriends would tell me, because I'd tell them when I was wasted but then not remember it.

 

Once I met a guy at a bar. And I remember that night in chunks of time. He bought me drinks. But then we were dancing. And then I was in his car. And then the police were at the window of the car because it was a sobriety checkpoint. He told them I was his girlfriend and that I was sick. And then it was morning and I was in his bed. I searched through his apartment and found him asleep on his couch. I don't think he ever touched me that night and we dated for a few months afterwards.

 

I look back at those times with a wondering horror. Who was I? Why was I doing that? How did I not end up dead?

 

I know I wanted to stop hurting and drinking did that. The dulling of the pain was more important to me than suffering the shame of being a slut.

[Mrs_JWM]

Thank you for telling others about this.

 

I, too, drank and did sexual things, and the way you summed your story up was exactly it. I felt so much better - so powerful, so beautiful, so free - when I drank that it overcame the shame...until I was sober. Until I did it again.

[*Lulu*]

(((Hugs)))

[LeslieAnneLevine]

My friend was like that. Don't get me wrong, I did some dangerous stuff too, but I wasn't as self-destructive as she was. She made it through it, got better like you did and has a good life now. I would never hold anything she did back then against her. She was hurting and though her parents were alive, they weren't there for her. I wish I had been a better friend.  I'm glad you made it through all that--it sounds very tough for anyone, but even more so for a young person with no parents. 

[Caroline]

((Hugs))

 

I understand feeling the need to dull the pain.

[Janie Grace]

:grouphug:  I appreciate your honesty. Maybe this is why I feel sad when I see people drunk at concerts/parties (posted about this in the partying thread)... because there usually IS pain underneath. So sorry for what you experienced.

[jelbe5]

((((Hugs))))

 

I'm an alcoholic and drug addict. I have been clean for 23 years.

 

I had this empty space inside . . . and booze and drugs filled it up. I was not afraid when I drank or was high. I was talkative, charming, witty, the life of the party.

 

I was engaged to a drug dealer in college. What fun! It was a non-stop party. I don't know how I made it through college without flunking out.

 

After I broke up with drug dealer I dated another guy and was a little sister at a frat. Except I was old enough to buy the kegs legally. Party on!

 

After a brief marriage, loss of a job and impending divorce I began to realize that maybe I had a problem. AA, therapy and my personal belief in God saved my life.

 

I am very grateful to have my head screwed on better - especially glad I got sober and waited to have children. I shudder to think of what things would be like to have a child with special needs and still be drinking and drugging.

[Amy in NH]

I'm sorry.  :grouphug:

 

[jelbe5]

I found this to be so helpful when I was getting sober. Just wanted to share . . .

 

 

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

 

By Portia Nelson

 

I

 

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I fall in.

I am lost ... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes me forever to find a way out.

 

II

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place

but, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

 

III

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit.

my eyes are open

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

 

IV

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

 

V

 

I walk down another street.

[unsinkable]

Oh, God, do I appreciate everyone's sweet replies. I feel like I might start ugly crying.

 

((((Hugs to all of you))))

[wapiti]

:grouphug:  I am so sorry

 

(It didn't help that the particular culture of the time and place was all about drinking, but that's a discussion for another day)

[8circles]

Oh, God, do I appreciate everyone's sweet replies. I feel like I might start ugly crying.

 

((((Hugs to all of you))))

 

:grouphug: I get it.

[Dandelion]

:grouphug: to the younger you for the pain you went through.  And  :grouphug: to you now for sharing your story.   

 

My dad was an abusive alcoholic.  Long story there, but I get the pain alcoholism can cause.  

[emeraldjoy]

Your story is important, life changing for those around you. Thanks for sharing. Sometimes it is exactly what people need to hear to help with their own heart healing, or to help with tearing down the walls of judgements...many that we dont even know we have. What a brave move. It is important for these stories to have familiar faces. thank you. 

[swimmermom3]

Unsinkable, thank you for sharing your story and thank you as well to others who have also shared. It is so easy to create judgments about people and situations that are outside our realm of experience.

 

:grouphug:

[Jen500]

:grouphug:  Thank you for sharing your story.  :grouphug:

[Tiramisu]

This could have easily been me. I don't know why it wasn't. There is alcoholism on one side of my family. My family broke up, which was probably good but had it's own trauma. For some reason, I was okay. My siblings were not. One kicked it and is doing very well. The other is still suffering with it. Our entire family has been affected by drinking one way or another. Al-Anon meetings and reading one of their books helped me gain a better perspective of it all. But I am still so sick of it. 

 

Thank you, unsinkable, for sharing your story.

[GailV]

:grouphug:  

 

When I saw the thread about "why aren't you dead yet?" I thought it was going to be about this type of thing -- choices we've made that, in retrospect, it's amazing we've lived through.  Thanks for being brave enough to share yours.

[PrincessMommy]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. 

[swimmermom3]

One of the problems in looking back at our teens or college years is that we frame or reference the person we were with adult experience and adult judgement, which can also keep us from viewing the person with much-needed compassion. Fifteen or twenty is still so young in so many ways.  There is much we didn't know or didn't understand and oftentimes that young person carried weights that would have sunk a much older, more experienced person.

 

You have survived, not without scars, but you have survived.

 

:grouphug: I wish you all the best life has to offer.

 

Peace,

 

Lisa

[Soror]

The dulling of the pain was more important to me than suffering the shame of being a slut.

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

I think the quote above bears repeating. I cannot see how more shame will help in these situations when what is really needed is more love and connection.

[Scarlett]

I can start listing the reasons...but the short version is:

 

My parents were alcoholics...and then they were dead.

 

I hurt so much and being drunk felt so damn good.

 

And I was a good drinker. I was the girl who could out drink all the other girls and most of the boys.

 

A few times I woke up with no memory of where I was or how I got there. Sexual things happened. Some of the incidents I'd remember hours or days later. Sometimes the guy would tell me. Sometimes my girlfriends would tell me, because I'd tell them when I was wasted but then not remember it.

 

Once I met a guy at a bar. And I remember that night in chunks of time. He bought me drinks. But then we were dancing. And then I was in his car. And then the police were at the window of the car because it was a sobriety checkpoint. He told them I was his girlfriend and that I was sick. And then it was morning and I was in his bed. I searched through his apartment and found him asleep on his couch. I don't think he ever touched me that night and we dated for a few months afterwards.

 

I look back at those times with a wondering horror. Who was I? Why was I doing that? How did I not end up dead?

 

I know I wanted to stop hurting and drinking did that. The dulling of the pain was more important to me than suffering the shame of being a slut.

(((Hugs)))

[unsinkable]

One of the problems in looking back at our teens or college years is that we frame or reference the person we were with adult experience and adult judgement, which can also keep us from viewing the person with much-needed compassion. Fifteen or twenty is still so young in so many ways.  There is much we didn't know or didn't understand and oftentimes that young person carried weights that would have sunk a much older, more experienced person.

 

You have survived, not without scars, but you have survived.

 

:grouphug: I wish you all the best life has to offer.

 

Peace,

 

Lisa

 

I didn't know how to deal with the pain I felt, first from living in a violent chaotic alcoholic household and then the pain and grief when my parents died.

 

Alcoholic homes are secret filled. There are so many things I couldn't ever tell anyone outside of our home OR INSIDE either. None of us acknowledged the drinking or the fighting or the pain any of us were feeling. It just wasn't talked about.

 

Drinking felt good and dulled the pain. Hooking up felt good and dulled the pain.

[Scarlett]

I found this to be so helpful when I was getting sober. Just wanted to share . . .

 

 

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

 

By Portia Nelson

 

I

 

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I fall in.

I am lost ... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes me forever to find a way out.

 

II

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place

but, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

 

III

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit.

my eyes are open

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

 

IV

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

 

V

 

I walk down another street.

I love this poem.

 

Sink, if I had been your friend back then I would have said, STOP. Stop hurting yourself and putting yourself in danger.

[Scarlett]

I didn't know how to deal with the pain I felt, first from living in a violent chaotic alcoholic household and then the pain and grief when my parents died.

 

Alcoholic homes are secret filled. There are so many things I couldn't ever tell anyone outside of our home OR INSIDE either. None of us acknowledged the drinking or the fighting or the pain any of us were feeling. It just wasn't talked about.

 

Drinking felt good and dulled the pain. Hooking up felt good and dulled the pain.

I hate that so many people aren't properly protected as children and young adults. That is the message I want to get across to my son and my friends...rules are for your protection. Along with the message that doing certain things can cause you to feel deep regret years later.

[Laurie4b]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

I love this poem.

 

Sink, if I had been your friend back then I would have said, STOP. Stop hurting yourself and putting yourself in danger.

I hate that so many people aren't properly protected as children and young adults. That is the message I want to get across to my son and my friends...rules are for your protection. Along with the message that doing certain things can cause you to feel deep regret years later.

I'm sure friends told me to stop. But it was too far gone. It was a reaction to years of pain and it was the first thing that was easing my pain.

 

As for regreting things years later, well,I was in agony and drinking stopped the agony right then. Telling me, "You'll regret this some day" wouldn't have helped because no one was offering something that WOULD help instead.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Joanne]

{{hugs}}

Thank you for honoring us with sharing your story.

[Corraleno]

I'm sure friends told me to stop. But it was too far gone. It was a reaction to years of pain and it was the first thing that was easing my pain.

 

As for regreting things years later, well,I was in agony and drinking stopped the agony right then. Telling me, "You'll regret this some day" wouldn't have helped because no one was offering something that WOULD help instead.

 

Thank you for saying this. This is the part that so many people don't get.  :grouphug:

 

Jackie

[Tammi K]

:grouphug: So glad you found your way!

[swimmermom3]

I hate that so many people aren't properly protected as children and young adults. That is the message I want to get across to my son and my friends...rules are for your protection. Along with the message that doing certain things can cause you to feel deep regret years later.

 

As the mother of a daughter who has suffered from severe depression and who has used self-harm for relief, I can tell you that a young person can be so deep in their pain, that the phrase "years later" has absolutely no meaning. They aren't sure they want to live through the day; your message would fall on deaf ears.

 

That doesn't mean that we don't try as parents to keep them safe, but the older I get the more I realized that the usual admonishments don't work. Scarlett, I don't know how to make this any clearer; shame, blame, and guilt have no place in an equation like Unsinkable is talking about, or the one my dd is in. You are far more likely to have to order a casket than succeed in keeping them safe with that kind of thinking.

 

Here, we do a lot of listening. If you want to succeed in keeping an emotionally fragile child safe, you drop your usual judgments back in your pocket, take a deep breath, and try to open your mind as wide as you can to hear just where that child is coming from. 

[Scarlett]

 

I'm sure friends told me to stop. But it was too far gone. It was a reaction to years of pain and it was the first thing that was easing my pain.

 

As for regreting things years later, well,I was in agony and drinking stopped the agony right then. Telling me, "You'll regret this some day" wouldn't have helped because no one was offering something that WOULD help instead.

Sink why can't it be both?

[houseofkids&pets]

:grouphug:  I'm sorry that you had to experience such pain growing up.  The fact that you struggled through it and changed your life for the better shows how strong you truly are inside. :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

Sink why can't it be both?

Can you elaborate? I'm not sure what you mean.

[Caroline]

As the mother of a daughter who has suffered from severe depression and who has used self-harm for relief, I can tell you that a young person can be so deep in their pain, that the phrase "years later" has absolutely no meaning. They aren't sure they want to live through the day; your message would fall on deaf ears.

 

That doesn't mean that we don't try as parents to keep them safe, but the older I get the more I realized that the usual admonishments don't work. Scarlett, I don't know how to make this any clearer; shame, blame, and guilt have no place in an equation like Unsinkable is talking about, or the one my dd is in. You are far more likely to have to order a casket than succeed in keeping them safe with that kind of thinking.

 

Here, we do a lot of listening. If you want to succeed in keeping an emotionally fragile child safe, you drop your usual judgments back in your pocket, take a deep breath, and try to open your mind as wide as you can to hear just where that child is coming from. 

 

Reading your posts has helped me see what a good friend is going through right now. Thank you for being open and sharing things. I called my friend after reading this. She was so thankful for the call. Just a little phone call. So THANK YOU!

[Caroline]

I'm sure friends told me to stop. But it was too far gone. It was a reaction to years of pain and it was the first thing that was easing my pain.

 

As for regreting things years later, well,I was in agony and drinking stopped the agony right then. Telling me, "You'll regret this some day" wouldn't have helped because no one was offering something that WOULD help instead.

 

I totally understand what you are posting here. I've seen it. Luckily, I didn't live it. But I see adults living it, too.

 

 

(And now, not a response to you, unsinkable, because I am agreeing with you.)

 

Regret some day? Teens live for the next hour. Not for some day. 

 

Also, telling someone she will regret something will just make her feel worse in the here and now, which will drive her to drink more. 

[Scarlett]

Can you elaborate? I'm not sure what you mean.

Why can't we say to a kid, hey don't do that. It is dangerous and harmful. Do this instead.

[Scarlett]

I totally understand what you are posting here. I've seen it. Luckily, I didn't live it. But I see adults living it, too.

 

 

(And now, not a response to you, unsinkable, because I am agreeing with you.)

 

Regret some day? Teens live for the next hour. Not for some day.

 

Also, telling someone she will regret something will just make her feel worse in the here and now, which will drive her to drink more.

I do not believe this is true for all teens. It wasn't for me. Listening to my mom saved me a lot of heartache. I didn't always listen to her and I didn't avoid all heartache.

 

I see kids all of the time who listen to the adults around them. Just because they don't know what they don't know, doesn't mean they aren't capable of thinking of the future.

[Free]

I do not believe this is true for all teens. It wasn't for me. Listening to my mom saved me a lot of heartache. I didn't always listen to her and I didn't avoid all heartache.

 

I see kids all of the time who listen to the adults around them. Just because they don't know what they don't know, doesn't mean they aren't capable of thinking of the future.

 

Not all kids are alike. I certainly did not listen to my parents. I sneaked behind their backs and did a lot of things that they did not approve of. Many of my friends were the same. Most often, putting hard boundaries around teens is not going to work.

 

Sometimes we will just have to acknowledge that teens will think differently from us on certain things and will not agree with us no matter how much we try to argue with them about how they are wrong. I do not have a teen yet, but I believe the best we can do is be there for them, hold them if they flounder and at the end of it not say "I told you so".

 

[Caroline]

I do not believe this is true for all teens. It wasn't for me. Listening to my mom saved me a lot of heartache. I didn't always listen to her and I didn't avoid all heartache.

 

I see kids all of the time who listen to the adults around them. Just because they don't know what they don't know, doesn't mean they aren't capable of thinking of the future.

You didn't read what I wrote. I said nothing about listening to parents. I said nothing about listening to adults. Sure they think about the future. But, in the moment, in the moment when they are so hurt, regretting something ten years from now isn't on the radar.

[Scarlett]

You didn't read what I wrote. I said nothing about listening to parents. I said nothing about listening to adults. Sure they think about the future. But, in the moment, in the moment when they are so hurt, regretting something ten years from now isn't on the radar.

In the moment? What moment?

[unsinkable]

Why can't we say to a kid, hey don't do that. It is dangerous and harmful. Do this instead.

Of course you can say, "don't do that! It's dangerous and harmful."

 

I think Kids who are experimenting and exploring should know the dangers and pleasures of (binge) drinking, drugs and sexual acts.

 

I think we can't forget that getting buzzed is appealing for some kids. Or that sexual activity, even if it is just making out, feels good.

 

In my situation, though. I was in survival mode. The drinking and hooking up was a symptom, not the disease, so to speak.

[Scarlett]

Of course you can say, "don't do that! It's dangerous and harmful."

 

I think Kids who are experimenting and exploring should know the dangers and pleasures of (binge) drinking, drugs and sexual acts.

 

I think we can't forget that getting buzzed is appealing for some kids. Or that sexual activity, even if it is just making out, feels good.

 

In my situation, though. I was in survival mode. The drinking and hooking up was a symptom, not the disease, so to speak.

I get that Sink. Not all teens are in that place. How do we help the ones who are? They are at particular risk for all sorts of bad things happening to them.

[Scarlett]

It's about what they hear when you say something like that when they are already feeling bad about themselves. As a preventative discussion, sure. But when they are in the think of it? Not a good idea. The "do this instead" part brings judgment which they will perceive as not acceptable, therefore, they are not acceptable.

 

Instead, "I care about you and see that you are hurting. I'm afraid what you are doing is dangerous and harmful to you. I love you and want to help. What can I do?"

That is non-judgmental and opening up a dialogue that can go much farther than don't do this, do this instead.

 

I was trying to get a point across. Seriously I know there are gentle ways to say things and of course I would tell my teen I love you and care about you. I was bottom lining it.

 

I feel like I am speaking a foreign language on this board sometimes.