Can I vent about my babywearing incident?

[funschooler5]

Okay, this happened to me a few days ago, but it's *still* bugging me, so here I go...

 

I took my 4 kids to the science museum on Monday, one of our first big excursions without DH, and the first one out of our small town. I brought along my baby wrap style carrier so I wouldn't have to push a stroller around all day (and 1.5yo won't stay in a stroller for long anyway). I should mention, that it's taken me months of watching youtube videos to figure out how to use this wrap, and I was pretty proud of myself for finally figuring out how to get her in a back carry. But until that day I'd never attempted to do it away from home (where I have my mirrors, I'm doing it in front of a bed, etc).

 

Anyway, I had planned to wrap her in the parking lot by our car before going into the museum, but DD8 had to use the bathroom, so I decided to do it in there. I stood in front of the mirror at the end of the counter, where there wasn't a sink, and was going ok until this lady came in with a stroller and stood behind me. She asked if I needed help, and I said no thanks. (If any of you have ever tried wrapping a baby, or seen it done, you can understand why she'd ask. Baby is wiggling everywhere, I'm sweaty and struggling, one side of the wrap is in my teeth, but things are under control and it's harder sometimes if somebody helps you.) Finally, she steps in and hands me one side of my wrap, to which I say graciously say "thanks," even though I didn't want help. Then she says, "Well, I need to change my baby's diaper, so..."

 

I realized I was standing right in front of the changing area. It didn't look like a changing table to me, just a short counter, no straps, or anything so I didn't notice it (I was thinking there was one of those fold down ones in the stall). I apologized and moved over in front of the sinks, because the baby is still only half-wrapped. Then another lady came in and asked if I needed help, and I said no thanks, getting more and more flustered, as I hate any sort of attention like this, let alone when my uncoordinated self is wrapping a baby. This new lady starts asking me questions about the comfort of the wrap, and by now I'm just doing a crappy job of wrapping, so I'm sure it looked really uncomfortable. Then the new lady turns to the diaper-changing one and says "It hardly seems worth it just to look nice." And then she says something about there being a reason new devices (like strollers I guess) were invented. First of all, I bought this carrier purely for it's functionality, and I'd actually tried a backpack style carrier but it hurt my shoulders. And second of all, I do have a stroller, but my kid won't sit in it for long!

 

I don't know, I just felt picked on, and DD8 was watching the whole thing. I know (now) that a restroom wasn't the best place to get my toddler in a carrier. Of course I ended up having to unwrap her 5 minutes later because it was too loose, and I was too self-conscious to try it again for another hour. When I finally did, I got her in a front carry, which is a lot easier, but less comfortable with my 27lb todder.

 

I'm probably over-reacting to the whole thing, as I'm still getting used to this single-mom business. Had DH been there, I would have told him what happened, and he would have made a snarky joke, and I would have laughed it off. As it was, that day I bought us a family membership and I got flustered when they asked me the name of the second adult. I just decided to leave it blank, in case my mom wants to come with us some time. We did end up having a good time though. :)

 

[Dana]

:grouphug:

[Sara in AZ]

Back carriers are hard! I totally relate. I wouldn't want anyone watching me do that either (which is why the restroom was a better choice than out in the lobby or something.) And I totally wear mine because the way it ties across my tummy and chest, creating huge rolls, is so attractive. ;- )

 

Those ladies were rude. Forget them and keep taking care of your baby the best way you know how!

[aggieamy]

Hey Fun ...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I think about you and your family and your DH frequently. 

 

Ignore the other gals.  Based on the comment I assume there was a bit of jealously because you looked like an awesome ninja mom with a baby strapped to you.  It'll be easier next time and you'll feel more like the ninja mom you are.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

BTDT  - not with a wrap but the whole idea of trying to do something with an audience while you're feeling under pressure.  Just remember, those two ladies have forgotten all about it by now.  (Or if they remember it, it's just a footnote.)   :grouphug:

[BigMamaBird]

That second lady was ruuuuuuuuuuuuude.  I'm sorry you hit dingbats on your first attempt to fly solo like that. 

[charcat13]

I'm sorry you had such a hard time.

[HelenNotOfTroy]

Back carries are hard to do, especially when you feel under the gun. I never did get good at putting my child in a back carry in a wrap in public and used a soft-structured carrier most of the time for back carries. The wrap was the best for distributing weight.

[JudoMom]

Okay, this happened to me a few days ago, but it's *still* bugging me, so here I go...

 

I took my 4 kids to the science museum on Monday, one of our first big excursions without DH, and the first one out of our small town. I brought along my baby wrap style carrier so I wouldn't have to push a stroller around all day (and 1.5yo won't stay in a stroller for long anyway). I should mention, that it's taken me months of watching youtube videos to figure out how to use this wrap, and I was pretty proud of myself for finally figuring out how to get her in a back carry. But until that day I'd never attempted to do it away from home (where I have my mirrors, I'm doing it in front of a bed, etc).

 

Anyway, I had planned to wrap her in the parking lot by our car before going into the museum, but DD8 had to use the bathroom, so I decided to do it in there. I stood in front of the mirror at the end of the counter, where there wasn't a sink, and was going ok until this lady came in with a stroller and stood behind me. She asked if I needed help, and I said no thanks. (If any of you have ever tried wrapping a baby, or seen it done, you can understand why she'd ask. Baby is wiggling everywhere, I'm sweaty and struggling, one side of the wrap is in my teeth, but things are under control and it's harder sometimes if somebody helps you.) Finally, she steps in and hands me one side of my wrap, to which I say graciously say "thanks," even though I didn't want help. Then she says, "Well, I need to change my baby's diaper, so..."

 

I realized I was standing right in front of the changing area. It didn't look like a changing table to me, just a short counter, no straps, or anything so I didn't notice it (I was thinking there was one of those fold down ones in the stall). I apologized and moved over in front of the sinks, because the baby is still only half-wrapped. Then another lady came in and asked if I needed help, and I said no thanks, getting more and more flustered, as I hate any sort of attention like this, let alone when my uncoordinated self is wrapping a baby. This new lady starts asking me questions about the comfort of the wrap, and by now I'm just doing a crappy job of wrapping, so I'm sure it looked really uncomfortable. Then the new lady turns to the diaper-changing one and says "It hardly seems worth it just to look nice." And then she says something about there being a reason new devices (like strollers I guess) were invented. First of all, I bought this carrier purely for it's functionality, and I'd actually tried a backpack style carrier but it hurt my shoulders. And second of all, I do have a stroller, but my kid won't sit in it for long!

 

I don't know, I just felt picked on, and DD8 was watching the whole thing. I know (now) that a restroom wasn't the best place to get my toddler in a carrier. Of course I ended up having to unwrap her 5 minutes later because it was too loose, and I was too self-conscious to try it again for another hour. When I finally did, I got her in a front carry, which is a lot easier, but less comfortable with my 27lb todder.

 

I'm probably over-reacting to the whole thing, as I'm still getting used to this single-mom business. Had DH been there, I would have told him what happened, and he would have made a snarky joke, and I would have laughed it off. As it was, that day I bought us a family membership and I got flustered when they asked me the name of the second adult. I just decided to leave it blank, in case my mom wants to come with us some time. We did end up having a good time though. :)

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

I would have offered help, but I did baby carry with 3 kids and new types of wraps are so exciting!!!! :D

 

It can be tough to perform under pressure. I can't imagine trying to get to a new normal place after what you've been through.  :grouphug:

[Annie Laurie]

That would bug me too, that was a really rude comment to make about the babywearing. I don't know why some women seem to feel so threatened when another mom makes a different choice. I'm so sorry about your dh. :grouphug:

[Maplecat]

I've been wrapping for over seven years and I still don't like an audience when I flip a kid onto my back. It sounds like you did just fine. People are quick to dismiss things that they don't understand.

[Mommee & Baba]

I don't think you are over-reacting! I would've been offended, however I'm a bit outspoken myself. I would've totally had your back girl!

 

I wrap my kids BEFORE going inside places because of a similar "confrontation" I had.

[bolt.]

I'm sorry you've been getting so many hugs when you specifically said that it would be *snarkiness* that would actually help. You're in luck. I'm pretty sure sarcasm is my love language. Here's your selection of snarky jokes so you can laugh it off:

 

A) "Being that you were in the washroom, you're lucky women *that* bright didn't assume you were trying some kind of newfangled potty training system!"

B ) "Wow! Someone else thinks you look nice in a baby wrap? I thought it was just me!"

C) "Do you think they were trying to secretly ask you to give *them* a piggy back ride?"

D) "Don't you know? All you have to do is offer to help someone first, after that it's perfectly normal to stare at them and criticize their parenting choices! What stunning examples of polite society those women were!"

E) "I dunno. It's against federal law for men to talk in the bathroom. Maybe you should try there."

[Belacqua]

You didn't wrap it around Rude Lady and leave her tethered to a cistern. Which is more gracious than I suspect I'd have been. So, kudos. 

[Parrothead]

I'm so sorry you've had such trouble. Hopefully in 15 years you can tell the baby the story and get a laugh.

[Ravin]

I know the feeling. The carrier in my avatar is our go-to carrier. It's an asian-style, but with extra wide straps for more wrap-like weight distribution across my shoulders/back/hips. The ABC design is way quicker than a wrap, in my experience, but then years of using it makes it easier--but never does quell the "do you need help?" choruses when you go to put the toddler on your back. The only time I've ever DROPPED a child while putting them on my back was once when I dropped DS when DD was trying to help. He flipped over my head and headed for the floor--but we caught him and it was a controlled fall that wound up feet first. Fortunately we were at home without an audience.

 

 

[Thia7278]

I've worn four babies and it does draw a lot of attention, especially in the ladies room. There is a lot of curiousity. I wouldn't take any of it personally. Practice, practice, practice and you'll be doing it in your sleep before you know it. Kudos to you for doing what is right for you and your baby. It really is easier than wrangling a stroller around.

[Soror]

Oh, I hate that feeling. I would have felt embarrassed as well. I am very adept at putting my baby on my back in the Ergo yet I still often have people offer to help.

[twoxcell]

Both ladies sound rather rude. :grouphug: 

[Forget-Me-Not]

Sorry you had sch a rough time. I'm glad to see you here. I've been wondering how you were doing. (((Hugs)))

[albeto.]

Oh I hate feeling like I'm in the spotlight, too, especially if I'm sweating and working hard. It's so awkward! Fwiw, I would have been the dorky woman asking you all kinds of questions because it's kind of fascinating. I've never known anyone with a wrap more sophisticated than a baby sling, and I'd be curious. Sadly, I'd be completely clueless that my curiosity would be giving you one more thing to do. I would just think I'm being friendly.   :o

 

My mother in law would be the lady trying to be nice, thinking she's politely encouraging you to scrap something that she thinks doesn't work, but you choose to use because it's a fashion statement. She's even more clueless than me, and that's saying something.

 

I hope you feel better today. I think it's brave to take four kids out all alone, and I'm glad you all had a good time.

 

:)

[Guest]

I'm so sorry it went like that.  :grouphug:  I can appreciate how hard it was for you in the first place without your husband and the "Mom Snark" just made you feel bad. 

 

FWIW, I always preferred wearing to strollers, until they could reliably walk along. Strollers are a drag anyway!

[Guest]

Oh, that happened to me all the time! You did fine. I had some sort of a standard line I used on well-meaning but ignorant people to let them know that offers of help could be dangerous to insecure new wrappers, but I forget my exact wording. They probably tuned it out anyway. Just smile confidently and say something nice about how good your back feels because you don't have to walk around all hunched over to push a stroller or wrestle it up over the curb every time you cross a street.

 

Wraps are very practical and even if you do indulge in some of the fun colours and fabrics, you'll still save money by using the same carrier in different ways as your kid grows. I'm still not ready to hand mine down yet, since ds is big for his age and I couldn't handle a sprained or broken leg or any other injury that would impare his mobility without a wrap to distribute his weight properly. As a fellow single mom, I can assure you that it's worth it and reassure you that the learning curve for wrapping is not linear, so you'll have that lightbulb moment when it all falls into place soon enough.

 

 

[funschooler5]

Thanks so much for the support everyone! I don't really have anyone IRL that would understand how I felt. It helps a lot to have a place to vent.  :grouphug:

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[BrookValley.]

That would have bothered me, too. You are so much nicer than I am!

 

I *love* wearing my babies. What kind of wrap did you get? :) I'm sure you'll be a pro in no time...

 

Just recently I was in target with my newborn in my Moby wrap. He was trying to fall asleep and was a bit fussy/pushing away from me. I knew he was going to fall asleep any second, so I was just supporting his head with my hand as I rocked him. A lady came up to me and (very sweetly) asked me if I knew that I could use the fabric at the shoulder to support his head and make it more comfortable/hands free I explained that yes, I knew, it was just that baby hadn't settled yet and wouldn't tolerate that till he fell asleep. We had a nice little chat about babywearing and then went on our way. She was so sweet, and honestly trying to be helpful. I wish you had run into that mom instead of those other two!

[Desert Strawberry]

I teach babywearing classes and it *still* weirds me out when people watch. Especially back carries.

[mamajag]

I never could figure out baby wearing and a frustrating incident in a Walmart bathroom ended with me in tears and my son in a baby carrier in th buggy. He was fussy because I wasn't holding him, but everyone questioned the "contraption" and it's role in his fussiness.

 

I shouldn't have given up, but I was alone post C section with a newborn and battling postpartum depression so I just gave up and did what was normal for my area.

 

All that to just give you a hug. You need it.

[countrygal]

:grouphug:

 

I don't understand how some people think they can say whatever runs through their head. Stuff like that burns me. So rude! Glad you had a good time anyway.

[Joanne]

{{hugs}}

It sounds like a frustrating, awkward time!

[momacacia]

I would have had 8yo helping me get baby on. I can't even get him in the ("uber-easy") Ergo on my back by myself, over a couch, at home, without her help, so a public restroom----yeah, that woulda been cute! :lol:  I completely get your vent. Here's a ((baby wearing hug.)) Hope your littles had a GREAT time at the science museum!

[J-rap]

I'm sorry. I don't like it when people watch ME do things, either! I think you are a very brave woman. It will be easier next time!

[celticmom]

:grouphug:

[Geo]

Two decades of "baby wearing" here...never had that kind of experience! But then, I am 5'10" with swimmer's shoulders, so maybe potential snarkers just bit their tongue instead, hmmm. I love women, but we can be an insensitive bunch.

 

((Hugs))

[Scarlett]

Thanks so much for the support everyone! I don't really have anyone IRL that would understand how I felt. It helps a lot to have a place to vent. :grouphug:

Both women were rude IMO.

 

Hope you are doing ok. ((((Hugs))))

[Guest submarines]

Hugs!

 

I hated when well meaning strangers tried to help with my wrap. By my third I was a pro at back carry, each movement practiced and precise, and having someone to hand me the ends screwed everything up.

 

Someone told me to practice wrapping with a big pillow instead of the baby. After you go through the same motions 20 times in a row, you'll be very comfortable. The trick is truly to do them in a row, so that you develop muscle memory.

 

Enjoy your pretty wrap.

 

I'm so sorry about your loss.

 

ETA: Some museums don't allow back-carry as they equate it with a backpack, e.i. something on your back that you can potentially knock over something of value with.

[indigomama]

I'm so sorry! 

 

We used to live in Portland, OR, and so many people used wraps that  I never got bad comments, just lots of support. It was so normal. We moved recently to middle of nowhere middle-America. I wrapped with my toddler once in public (she LOVES being in a carrier) and I got so many rude comments, really rude stupid comments that I left the event we were at early. It was very discouraging, and I had my DH there encouraging me.

 

Any time you need to vent or support, come here, we'll back you up!