Visiting someone with less

[Pegasus]

My family was traveling this weekend and stopped to stay overnight with some relatives. When I saw that the kitchen was almost bare, I announced the DH and I would like the chance to prepare dinner for them and asked about a conveniently located grocery store. I started making a list of the food we would need for dinner and breakfast, asking a few times if there was anything else I could pick up for them while we were there. Only one or two small items were mentioned. I later left the list on the table and asked them to add anything else that they thought of to the list. Nothing was added.

 

While I wouldn't have minded shopping to fill their fridge and cupboards, I didn't want to buy food that would go to waste if they didn't use it. So, DH and I ended up only buying what our family would consume while we were there, along with the couple items they mentioned. We did cook a large dinner and everyone seemed to really enjoy it.

 

Would you have done something differently? I felt a bit sad that we didn't leave them with very much extra food.

[TammyinTN]

I may have left a card with some cash in it. A thank you for your hospitality kinda thing..if that makes sense.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I think you were very wise not to assume too much. They might be expecting food or money from a different source, they might be going out of town...impossible to know. I think Tammy is correct that a thank you gift is always appropriate when you stay with someone overnight, but I would make it a gift card inside a thank-you card instead of cash.

[MedicMom]

If you came to my house it is always bare. Not for lack of money but for time and dislike of grocery shopping. I wouldn't assume too much, unless you're aware of some financial difficulty.

[Anne in CA]

Honestly, some people prefer a bare cupboard and to go shopping frequently. As soon as my kids are grown I will keep a pantry with essentials and just pick up what I want to eat every day on the way home from work.

[elegantlion]

No, I wouldn't have done anything differently. I'm transitioning to keeping less food in the house. While we are also broke, I actually like a more minimal pantry and fridge. Even if budget is an issue, they may prefer it that way.

[FaithManor]

If you came to my house it is always bare. Not for lack of money but for time and dislike of grocery shopping. I wouldn't assume too much, unless you're aware of some financial difficulty.

 

I agree. Don't assume anything. I've had times when I've wanted to empty the cupboards of things that hadn't been used in a timely manner and made us eat the pantry down to the nubins. I've had times when we had the money for groceries, but was hard pressed for time. Ask the kids what the week after the wedding was like while I sat at the hospital during dad's surgery and recovery, not having had time to grocery shop before the big event and no time after. They called it "foraging". Not to mention that the three teenage boys eat EVERY meal as if this is the last food they are going to get before crossing a massive desert or something. The cupboards can be rather empty at times and it has nothing to do with our inability to afford to fill them.

 

But, always a thank you card is appropriate and if you do a gift card to a major chain, that's very nice because even if they don't need the money, buying some flowers for the dinner table or splurging for snow crab legs, or that organic coconut oil and speciality coffee you always thought was too expensive is fun and appreciated.

 

Faith

[Bree]

I would of done the same unless you knew there was a need for sure.

[Berta]

I keep bare essentials in the kitchen cabinets. What no one sees is my "pantry", an 8x10 bedroom that is wall to wall shelves and more than 1 yr of food and staples. I also have two freezers in a shed outside. So while my kitchen looks bare, we could last for quite a while without ever going to the store.

[StephanieZ]

If you had good reason to believe there were financial strains, I'd likely leave a lot of other food. I just have a thing about wanting people to have enough food all the time, and I am lucky enough to not run into that circumstance often enough to worry about the expense of a few bags of groceries if the circumstance came up.

 

I'd avoid anything super obvious, but more like I'd buy larger quantities of what we'd make for meals and snacks and desserts, and then I'd leave the excess. So, I'd buy big bags of several types of fruits -- and serve a fruit salad and/or whole fruits, but knowing that 2/3 of them would be leftover, etc, etc. I'd probably buy double of most of what I thought we'd eat. :) It'd be enough to have plenty of spare, but not so much as to be super blatant. So, I might leave a few meals worth of veggies/fruits/snacks, a couple jugs of juice, milk, etc. I'd avoid being obvious that I was shopping/gifting them, but make it look more like I just over-shopped for meals and snacks, and then left the extra. I'd probably do that with pricier items like breakfast meats, milk, OJ, etc, especially as that way it would look like relatively small volume (so not as obvious), but would make a nice financial impact for a few days anyway. I've done that sort of thing a few times when visiting relatives that I knew were pretty tight financially. In our case, I think it would have been rude to offer or leave cash, but leaving excess food is just fine IMHO. Leaving cash (or a cash-like gift such as a gift card) would be unacceptable in our family and friend circles, but leaving excess food is pretty common just b/c we never take home extra -- it just isn't done. (No one in our circle gives cash or cash-like gifts except older generations to younger. Similarly, it is just understood that everyone buys groceries/food/meals without question and generously in all directions . . . There is actually no set up for sharing meal cost when one sibling hosts large groups, and most often one family will grab a check for a meal out unless there is a very big group (more than two families) in which case two families might split the bill if one person/family doesn't insist . . . This is fine most of the time for most of us, but there have been times when we knew one sibling or another was pretty broke . . . In those cases, I think we all just step up and grab the check first or "make the grocery run" sort of like you did, just acting like you're doing the chore of running to the store, but actually using it as a way to subsidize the meal/event. It'd be easy in that situation to add a few bags of "extra" groceries that just don't happen to get used up during the visit.)

[Tess in the Burbs]

Once I just went to the store and bought more of what I saw in the pantry and freezer.

[Susan in TN]

I think what you did in this case was great. When we visit certain relatives that we KNOW are struggling, we bring enough food for our family plus extra that would "simply be too much of a bother to take back with us". But in this case, we do know and anticipate the situation. I do like the suggestion of the "thanks for the hospitality" gift card, also.

[marbel]

I think you did fine and I wouldn't worry about it at all. I would find it very presumptuous for someone to buy and leave groceries for my family, and I would never give someone a list to go shopping for me.

 

A thank you note is always proper, and possibly a grocery store gift card if you know they are in need. As others have said, you might be misinterpreting their bare cupboards for neediness. Or maybe I missed something that indicated otherwise.

[Laurie4b]

I would not put items down on a list to pick up for me even if we were struggling, but I would have appreciated the meal. I wouldn't have been insulted if someone picked up "some extra stuff we thought you'd enjoy." I think the gift card idea is a good idea, too.

[Pegasus]

I appreciate all the replies, especially the ones that cause me to challenge my assumptions. I certainly didn't realize that some folks actually prefer to keep slim supplies in the kitchen. My parents grew up very poor so when they were adults and had more income, they preferred to keep the larders well-stocked. I've accepted this as "normal" without ever thinking about it. I equate "little food" to not enough money, which is clearly not always correct.

 

I will send a thank you card with a gift card. Great idea.

[Renthead Mommy]

Well if we were crashing overnight at someone's house we would plan to take them out. I would never expect them to feed us, and I would never invade their kitchen and cook. However if I did see their kitchen was bare, my first thoight would be that they eat out often, so they should have some great suggestions of places to go that night.

[Rosie_0801]

I would cook, as you did, and find excuses to leave left overs. Left overs don't hurt people's pride the way deliberate pantry stocking would.

[Orthodox6]

I finally figured out why the post puzzled me so much. If I am visiting someone, I'm not going to be looking in the refrigerator and/or pantry even to know what, or how much, is present.

 

Regarding "What's for dinner?", I would be waiting for a cue from the host/ess before considering options for the meal. Perhaps OP did this, though.

[lavender's green]

The only things I keep in bulk are lentils, rice, canned tomatoes, and wine - so I am prepared for a zombie apocalypse type of scenario, but generally I just plan meals and grocery shop weekly, and if you visit at the end of the week it might look like I'm too poor to keep much food on hand (especially compared to some of my relatives who grew up in hard times and therefore stockpile food and supplies). Don't read too much into it, but do send a thank-you gift.

[Janie Grace]

I finally figured out why the post puzzled me so much. If I am visiting someone, I'm not going to be looking in the refrigerator and/or pantry even to know what, or how much, is present.

 

Regarding "What's for dinner?", I would be waiting for a cue from the host/ess before considering options for the meal. Perhaps OP did this, though.

 

This puzzled me, too. I can't imagine hosting a guest, that guest inspecting my kitchen and then announcing she would be making dinner. Honestly this would offend me. Maybe that's because I'm a planner and if I agreed to host overnight guests, I would absolutely have a plan for how to feed them. Even if we were tight on $ and it was going to be pasta or soup or something, I would expect to be the one coordinating/fixing/serving the meal. If the guest wanted to leave me some grocery $ or a gift card, great. But to come in and "take over" dinner (after deciding that my provisions were inadequate) would really hurt my feelings.

 

Curious about how the communication went surrounding the evening meal...

 

ETA: Sometimes my cupboards/fridge is bare -- like if it's time for me to go grocery shopping, we're at the end of a month, I'm trying to eat down the extras, we're about to travel, etc. I cannot stand a cluttered pantry with canned goods from three years ago. So maybe you and your relative just have different ways of doing food storage.

[Ravin]

My mother is a master of helping out without making you feel like you're being helped out. It's hard to pin down just how she does it, though. Often she'll take me with her shopping because she wants my DH (who was a professional chef) to cook for her. She always asks what the kids' favorites are, etc.

 

I've done the same sort of thing when I visited her house..

 

DW#2's mother, OTOH, managed to annoy the heck out of me when she came over to make chili. Knowing that was the plan, I soaked dried beans and cooked them ahead. She came with canned beans and then proceeded to use the canned ones instead of the ones I'd cooked. She also didn't listen when I told her what we had, which was pretty much everything for chili but the meat (I'm the sort of person who packs the house with food when able).

 

I was recently at a friend's and commented on her bare cupboards (I'd babysat her son for the day and had to scrounge up a snack for her kid and mine). She sticks with weekly shopping and plans meals. They don't keep much around in the way of snacks, she usually cooks a full meal for lunch and dinner, mostly with processed food (family entrees, rice a roni, etc.) Because she uses a lot of minimal-prep stuff, she doesn't have much around in the way of scratch ingredients. Her kids are healthy and no one misses meals at their house, though, it's just a different way of handling the limited budget.

[BlueTaelon]

Wow, I'm surprised at some of these posts, I can't imagine not having at least a weeks worth of food, what if something happens an you get can't to the store or what ever? I get stressed when I have less then at least 3 months worth of food in the pantry. Right now we only have about a months worth of staples (beans, rice, lentils, canned goods) and I find that a bit stressful. In my defense I did go hungry a lot as a kid and I do not ever want my kids to know true hunger.

 

That said, if we couldn't afford food and you told me to add anything to the list I wouldn't just because I couldn't afford to pay you for them and wouldn't want to say anything.

[beaners]

The only things I keep in bulk are lentils, rice, canned tomatoes, and wine - so I am prepared for a zombie apocalypse type of scenario, but generally I just plan meals and grocery shop weekly, and if you visit at the end of the week it might look like I'm too poor to keep much food on hand (especially compared to some of my relatives who grew up in hard times and therefore stockpile food and supplies). Don't read too much into it, but do send a thank-you gift.

 

I love that people on this forum remember to stock wine! I thought I was the only one!

 

Wow, I'm surprised at some of these posts, I can't imagine not having at least a weeks worth of food, what if something happens an you get can't to the store or what ever? I get stressed when I have less then at least 3 months worth of food in the pantry. Right now we only have about a months worth of staples (beans, rice, lentils, canned goods) and I find that a bit stressful. In my defense I did go hungry a lot as a kid and I do not ever want my kids to know true hunger.

 

That said, if we couldn't afford food and you told me to add anything to the list I wouldn't just because I couldn't afford to pay you for them and wouldn't want to say anything.

 

We also always have some large amount of food, but I know a lot of people who don't do that and have never really had trouble with it. I had a former roommate who did programming for a bank - he made reasonable money but his ADD entered the room before he did. Our first trip to Sams Club together was memorable. "Hey, you're always going to Walgreens for chili at midnight. Should we grab a case?" "We each cook pasta a couple times a week. Should we get another package?" It was a revelation for him.

 

Just on beans and rice and nothing else, I could almost always feed my family for a few months. Sometimes making sure everything is rotated and using up fresh produce can be stressful for me though. My husband loves to fill our tiny fridge with produce, but it's too small and things get buried. I don't know if wasted food stress is better or worse than my stress over having enough food.

 

When we visited my father recently, he had almost nothing in his kitchen. He and his wife both work at good jobs, and they eat out together or separately. He had to search half the house to find a frying pan. He had moved into the house about six months prior, but hadn't used a frying pan yet.

[FaithManor]

Seasons in life. Ask me how full my pantries will be at the end of harvest season. Right now we are eating out the ends of last year's canning, dehydrating, and freezing. I need my cupboards to get completely bare by the end of August to make room for the new stuff.

 

That's just the cycle of life. Every family has a little bit different cycle.

 

My sister in law is a hoarder. Sadly, she keeps far more food in the house than they'll ever be able to use and has to throw out, routinely, oils, flours, peanut butter, etc. that has gone rancid, and meats in the freezer that succombed to years of freezer burn. She has plenty of food in the house, but some of it isn't edible for sure.

 

In this area, for cupboards to be getting a bit bare this time of year is normal. Most of the families I know have huge gardens, and the dad's hunt and fish, some raise chickens and even an occasional beef cow. So, getting last year's supplies used up is a must.

 

My boys, claiming that they are now in foraging mode, will survive! :D (Foraging being code for, "What I'd really like is ice cream, but I guess I'll settle for that pint of home canned peaches that mom says has to be used up.")

 

Unless one knows a family very well personally, one really can't make any judgment calls about their budget, their eating habits, or food stocking habits from only an encounter or two with their kitchen.

 

Faith

[KungFuPanda]

I WISH I was organized enough for my pantry to look nearly bare. As it is, it gets overpacked with things I don't use up until it makes me insane, then once or twice a year I FORCE myself to evaluate and plan menus around what's in there (rather than what I feel like cooking or what's on sale). I am guilty of having to toss food because I don't organize properly. I do not like this about myself and I know I waste money because of it. If your relatives are healthy and fed, they could just have things figured out in this department.

 

I actually aspire to have more space in my pantry and fridge when company arrives. I will plan a meal or two for when they get there, but I like to find out what they want before filling the space. My grocery store is a quarter mile away, so getting there is a non-issue.

[Berta]

If you're tossing food and have things (that aren't long term storage) sitting on your shelves for 3 yrs then you are doing it wrong :)

 

There is a big difference between hoarding and stocking up. Things sitting for years that should have been used and is wasted is hoarding. Rotating and eating what you store without waste is stocking up.

[Orthodox6]

If you're tossing food and have things (that aren't long term storage) sitting on your shelves for 3 yrs then you are doing it wrong :)

 

There is a big difference between hoarding and stocking up. Things sitting for years that should have been used and is wasted is hoarding. Rotating and eating what you store without waste is stocking up.

 

 

:iagree: I have a full pantry. Weekly shopping is for perishables. Makes my life far easier. I can make good meals during bad weather, family member illness, crazy schedules, and when guests pop in. It is easy to check can/package dates and to plan meals around things headed toward a death spiral.

[katilac]

I used to work with someone who went to the grocery store every. single. day! Every afternoon, she would talk to her dh on the phone, and they would decide what they wanted for dinner that night. She stopped on the way home and bought what they needed for that meal. I'm sure her pantry looked pretty bare, lol.

 

I will do anything to not go to the grocery, do I don't get it, but that's the way she liked to do it.

[Arcadia]

Hubby loves to stock up but we are having ants issue with the hot weather so we are now trying to minimise our food stockpile. We do have adequate earthquake rations.

If we have overnight guests, we would have done all the meals out. My kitchen is too small for most guests to cook in comfortably. A gift card to a local supermarket would be more than adequate as a thank you, but not required.