CC-Does having a good marriage all boil down to having enough teA?

[LucyStoner]

 

I remember that docu. Haggard (sp?) was also featured in "Jesus Camp" before his downfall.

 

I think it's absolutely brilliant for evangelicals to be addressing this issue head on. Other segments of society just sweep it under the rug. Remember the kama sutra was written to help preserve marriages. Evangelicals have the same idea.

 

Obviously haggard had identity and substance abuse issues but those were his private demons. And I think we can all agree, evangelical christians are not the only people in the world who struggle with private demons.

 

Um, it was also more than one evangelical leader who, after Haggard was revealed to have an ongoing relationship with a male hustler, blamed Haggard's WIFE for "letting herself go". Some in not so many words, at least one in exactly those words. Anyone stating that is extraordinarily ignorant about sexual relationships and more than hinting at some serious issues with women. I don't think that evangelicals are universally sound or wise on sex in marriage nor do I see the rest of the church, let alone all "segments" of society sweeping it under the rug. Blaming Haggard's wife IS sweeping his sexual wrongdoings under the rug.

[Erin]

Sex is your way of saying to him, “I’m committed to you, I love you, I want you, I value you.†If he knows that and feels it, it’s so much easier to then bring up the really big issues that are bothering you.

{snip}

When we make love, you see, he feels closer and empowered. But we also feel closer to him, and all the things that bug us about him are minimized as well. We’re feeling more intimate and more connected.

Will sex solve all the problems in your relationship? No, probably not. But it will very likely help you with a whole lot of them.

Frankly, I'm surprised that this is controversial. I thought this was pretty basic, common knowledge that most men express love via...tea. That is, our perspective is not the same as his at all.

[Jean in Newcastle]

There are better sources of data than a blog and people's anecdotes on sexuality in marriage and levels of satisfaction for both men and women. If you read those you will see that there is a range of libido for a variety of reasons at a variety of ages. You will also see that what is "normal" is a range and what provides satisfaction is also a range. It makes me angry when people take their own situation and try and put it like legalistic handcuffs on others. It makes me even angrier when people put the stamp of "God" on it. Yes, God created sex. God also created men and women with a variety of hormones, libidos and personalities. Of course sex is part of a good marriage. Does having a good marriage all boil down to having enough of it? No.

[albeto]

We both agree that it's a result of a teA obsessed culture.

 

I would disagree that our culture is "tea obsessed." I think this opinion is more likely the influence of conservative religious ideology imposed on an objectively neutral behavior, a behavior whose moral values are constantly being challenged. I mean, just the fact that people throw around euphemisms and spell that word with symbols (ie, "s@x" or "s*x" or "teA"), illustrates an unease with the subject. It's like the fourth grader who giggles the first time she sees Michelangelo's "David" in all his human glory. She doesn't know what to do with this heretofore unspoken about topic, and the giggles just come out in response.

 

It's important, folks, but not THAT important. I think this viewpoint also contributes in small but meaningful way to our culture of rape.

 

Arguably, conservative religion contributes to a culture of rape. It also leads the charge in placing a particular moral value on sex.

 

http://prospect.org/...re-rape-culture

http://www.patheos.c...pe-culture.html

http://thinkprogress...-abstinence-ed/

http://yesmeansyesbl...ght-rape-scale/

 

I WILL NOT teach my sons that they NEED tea. It is not a need, nor even a right. They could be loving wonderful celibate husbands, they have that ability. I also think it's also important to follow this thought to its logical conclusion. If teA is the most I portent part of a marriage, shouldn't you make sure your wife can provide it the way you like before you marry her? What if she gets sick? Is the marriage now doomed?

 

So long as girls and women are made to feel ashamed for being assaulted, told they are sluts for voluntarily having sex outside the bounds of legal matrimony, or made to endure some form of purity conditioning, teaching boys they shouldn't count on sex as a right only goes so far. The brainwashing has to stop for everyone. In my opinion, demystifying sex is a good enough place to start.

 

That being said, yes it is nice in a marriage and certainly helps "connect" you to your spouse. It's a service to your husband to fulfill his desires, just as you expect him to fulfill yours. You do these things because you love each other. But it's not an end-all game or a magic solution.

 

Service? Yeesh, that's so... consumeristic.

[Mrs Mungo]

I mean, just the fact that people throw around euphemisms and spell that word with symbols (ie, "s@x" or "s*x" or "teA"), illustrates an unease with the subject. It's like the fourth grader who giggles the first time she sees Michelangelo's "David" in all his human glory. She doesn't know what to do with this heretofore unspoken about topic, and the giggles just come out in response.

 

People do this because webcrawlers look for key words for their spambots. More words like this=more p*rn spam.

[Night Elf]

DH says this is a good topic, but he has to leave for work and wants to talk it about it later. But his first two thoughts are that this demeans men, reducing them down to animals and that women need to be open and receptive for sex to even be enjoyable.

[WishboneDawn]

Yep.

 

I read something a while ago that men place a value of a whopping 80% on teA as far as most important thing for marriage. Good grief. Time to grow up, men.

 

 

I think this is where reaction to that articles can reveal part of the article's point.

 

If 80% of men are saying that it's the most important part of marriage then we should be listening to that, not telling them to grow up. And since most men I know are mature, emotionally healthy individuals who already have "grown up" the question we might want to ask is what does teA mean to them.

 

People here are talking about the qualities of a good marriage like intimacy, understanding, trust, etc. but what if teA is, to men and a good many women, the expression of all that? It's the act that makes the rest of a marriage true. A wife can talk a good game about wanting understanding and intimacy but if she doesn't make teA with her husband a priority then it may leave the husband thinking it IS all talk and little more.

 

Growing up means considering the views of those we're in partnerships with and not attaching only our own assumptions and values to certain terms, no?

[Night Elf]

Relationships are not about one person. If in fact men need to have a lot of sex in order to feel like they have a good marriage, what if women don't? Why is it always about pleasing the man?

 

 

I figured this point of view has to do with religion and men being head of the family and making all the decisions. Perhaps even assuming the wife is subservient. That has been a hot topic on this board as well.

[DawnM]

Wow! I am what one would consider Evangelical and I have never heard that from anywhere. When I heard anything from pastors I respect, (and even some I don't!) it was always Haggard (was his first name Tim?) who was to blame.

 

But then again, I am evangelical and had never heard of Haggard before the incident.

 

Dawn

 

Um, it was also more than one evangelical leader who, after Haggard was revealed to have an ongoing relationship with a male hustler, blamed Haggard's WIFE for "letting herself go". Some in not so many words, at least one in exactly those words. Anyone stating that is extraordinarily ignorant about sexual relationships and more than hinting at some serious issues with women. I don't think that evangelicals are universally sound or wise on sex in marriage nor do I see the rest of the church, let alone all "segments" of society sweeping it under the rug. Blaming Haggard's wife IS sweeping his sexual wrongdoings under the rug.

 

[justamouse]

Articles like this turn sex into currency which then makes the spouse into an *object* of that currency. We're not supposed to objectify ANYONE, let alone our spouse.

 

It also, like Jean said, turns man (universal) into an animal. As if we are nothing but sex parts and sexual drive.

 

I really wish these types of articles would die.

[DawnM]

I find all of this quite disturbing. I am confident that if I were laid up in bed with a terminal illness and not able to "perform" for my husband that he would be there for me. So, no, this does not all boil down to TeA. A marriage is so much more than that and I think if I even told my DH about this thread he would be offended that anything think he is just some hound-dog waiting for TeA and nothing much more.

 

I am glad we don't have that kind of relationship.

[Hikin' Mama]

 

I mean, just the fact that people throw around euphemisms and spell that word with symbols (ie, "s@x" or "s*x" or "teA"), illustrates an unease with the subject. It's like the fourth grader who giggles the first time she sees Michelangelo's "David" in all his human glory.

 

 

No, I didn't use a euphemism or spell it "s*x" because I have a fourth grade mentality on the subject. Rather, because spelling the words out on the internet can lead to undesirable spam, or so I've been told.

 

ETA: I should have read the rest of the replies before posting, 'cause Mrs. Mungo said the same thing only more intelligently. :)

[FaithManor]

Who are the men surveyed? 80% of frat house denizens???? Bob Packwood, Bill Clinton, David Patraeus, Jimmy Swaggert, and Arnold Schwarzenegger? I know my dh doesn't think like this. We aren't raising our sons to think this way.

 

Seriously, most men aren't rutting goats.

 

Frankly, if this were true, then something is VERY wrong. Why is it okay to continue to dehumanize women? I should think that in 2013 we've evolved enough to consider females to be something more than compatible body parts. Marriage is a two way street and should start with mututal respect which means give and take. Not, someone always putting out to keep the primate happy. Lopsided is rarely healthy.

 

Moral of the story - try not to marry a feral swine. There's more to a marriage than breeding season.

 

Faith

[Trish]

Does having a good marriage boil down to having a good relationship? Yes.

[Erin]

In reading a lot of these responses, I think many of you didn't actually read what was in the article but rather what you thought was in the article...

 

If 80% of men are saying that it's the most important part of marriage then we should be listening to that, not telling them to grow up. And since most men I know are mature, emotionally healthy individuals who already have "grown up" the question we might want to ask is what does teA mean to them.

 

People here are talking about the qualities of a good marriage like intimacy, understanding, trust, etc. but what if teA is, to men and a good many women, the expression of all that? It's the act that makes the rest of a marriage true. A wife can talk a good game about wanting understanding and intimacy but if she doesn't make teA with her husband a priority then it may leave the husband thinking it IS all talk and little more.

I completely agree. And I fail to see where this has anything to do with rape. I mean....seriously???

 

I think I'll write a counter article. I'll suggest that if men want more sex they should do the dishes. I know that is what turns me on.

This is true also. Write a blog post. :) The original was written to women because that's who her audience is. And, being selfish humans, most of us don't need a reminder of what WE want...We usually have a pretty close eye on that. ;)

 

However, wrt to the one in the OP, this goes back to Dawn's point about maturity.

Another aspect of maturity (not to mention the selfless-ness that's needed for a healthy marriage) is that sometimes one partner is the one making all the effort. Marriage is almost never 50/50.

 

We've only been married for 16 years, but have been dating for 20 and something I've discovered in that time is if I'm trying to be supportive and responsive to his needs (not just tea, btw), then he tends to reciprocate. But someone has to make the first move.

Pride is rarely beneficial to a marriage...

Another benefit is that every time I'm willing to put him first and be vulnerable, it just makes him more comfortable to do the same thing. It's a trust thing. For example, when I'm being prickly and grumpy about something, he knows he can be vulnerable and open for me and I won't lay him out like a fillet...

 

It creates a cycle...A really positive cycle.

[JustEm]

tmi, but reading that article and people's reactions made me want to wake my dh up and show him how much I appreciate that he does not view sex has the top priority in our marriage. Its a priority tied with a lot of other priorities on what makes our marriage work.

[6packofun]

 

I thought this was pretty basic, common knowledge that most men express love via...tea.

 

LOL OK, all the ladies who have husbands who DON'T express love through sex raise your hand! :seeya:

I'm actually pretty surprised that THIS isn't common knowledge by now, that human beings are complex emotional beings that are very often not tied down to gender stereotypes in how they express them. Huh. Gotta go reread The Five Love Languages or something... lol

 

I've heard it said many times that when things are going well in the bedroom--whatever that means for your unique marriage--that sex isn't very important, but when it is NOT going well, it becomes very important. By "important", though, I think that means it's a very accurate, telling symptom of things being wrong in other areas of marriage. When intimacy suffers, check the temperature of your overall relationship.

 

And then, sometimes, people are just not very compatible in this department. My dh and I are what I could consider incompatible in just this one area. It has *always* been a struggle to "meet in the middle" on this issue and it doesn't have anything to do with dh's love for me, but I suffer quite a bit with feeling that it does when it gets down to once a month, kwim? I can imagine either a husband or wife who enjoys regularly connecting with and loving their spouse in this way would feel pretty crummy sometimes without reciprocation--and wives feeling this way is much more common than most people seem to GET. STILL. This is a big problem in how communities (especially churches, IMO) discuss this!

[8circles]

Who are the men surveyed? 80% of frat house denizens???? Bob Packwood, Bill Clinton, David Patraeus, Jimmy Swaggert, and Arnold Schwarzenegger? I know my dh doesn't think like this. We aren't raising our sons to think this way.

 

Seriously, most men aren't rutting goats.

 

Frankly, if this were true, then something is VERY wrong. Why is it okay to continue to dehumanize women? I should think that in 2013 we've evolved enough to consider females to be something more than compatible body parts. Marriage is a two way street and should start with mututal respect which means give and take. Not, someone always putting out to keep the primate happy. Lopsided is rarely healthy.

 

Moral of the story - try not to marry a feral swine. There's more to a marriage than breeding season.

 

Faith

 

Yes. I'm reading some of these responses & I seriously shocked that people honestly think this way. You know, there are men who do consider tEa to be the most important part of marriage. They're a$$es. Full stop.

 

It's a symptom of how broken we are, not a trait to cater to.

[Erin]

My only point is that there will be times in a marriage when maybe there isn't much sex going on. It's just not happening. Should a man then run away? Come on.

No.

But the only one I can control is me. And I know that sex IS important to most men, particularly if they're married. (Seriously, 45 seconds with Google is all it takes) High libido or low is completely irrelevant. That's just how a man tends to emotionally connect to his wife.

 

Interestingly, 5 or 10 years ago I would have been in the "he's not a rutting animal" camp.

I mean, he never got enough, but daily wouldn't be enough. :rolleyes: I just chalked it up to teenage boys that never outgrow it. But I started tripping over this concept everywhere. I mean everywhere! ...Cosmo, Good Housekeeping, Focus on the Family for crying out loud! lol

So I asked him about it and was really careful not to attach any judgements but rather from a I-think-I've-had-an-epiphany direction.

Is that how you show love for/feel love from me?

Well it's not quite that simple (which, really, nothing says that it is), but yeah, that is when he feels closest to me. When he feels his deepest connections.

 

Gotta go reread The Five Love Languages or something... lol

Excellent example! lol

DH has my copy somewhere, so I can't track down the exact wording Chapman uses, but he makes the point in The Five Love Languages that most men think their love language is physical touch because sex is so very important and he has to make the statement that that's not their love language, it's just part of being a man.

[Word Nerd]

No. Having a good marriage doesn't boil down to just one anything.

[Erin]

Are you in the right thread??

This is talking about an over-arching attitude of a lifelong relationship, not a single season...

[WishboneDawn]

 

 

Yes. I'm reading some of these responses & I seriously shocked that people honestly think this way. You know, there are men who do consider sex to be the most important part of marriage. They're a$$es. Full stop.

 

It's a symptom of how broken we are, not a trait to cater to.

 

Specifically, which responses are shocking to you? I'm trying to sort out the arguments here so I can respond.

 

I sort of see an attitude that teA means one simple sort of thing and an expectation that we are all somehow in agreement over it. That teA isn't a deeply meanngful act in itself and if a man considers it very important he's only interested in the dirty deed and not in anything deeper that the act might represent or foster. In short, sex is just a bit of fun and rather shallow.

 

Not sure if that's accurate but if it is it might be worth considering for some that if others (and men in general) declare teA to be very, very important it might be because they view it as something much more.

 

 

[Cricket]

There are better sources of data than a blog and people's anecdotes on sexuality in marriage and levels of satisfaction for both men and women. If you read those you will see that there is a range of libido for a variety of reasons at a variety of ages. You will also see that what is "normal" is a range and what provides satisfaction is also a range. It makes me angry when people take their own situation and try and put it like legalistic handcuffs on others. It makes me even angrier when people put the stamp of "God" on it. Yes, God created sex. God also created men and women with a variety of hormones, libidos and personalities. Of course sex is part of a good marriage. Does having a good marriage all boil down to having enough of it? No.

.

 

This is exactly why articles like this irritate me! There isn't a one-size, fits-all definition of a godly marriage. Godly marriages come in all different shapes.

 

I have to say that my dh is one of these guys. For him, it is a big part of our marriage and, for him, it is one of the best ways to connect. I don't worry that if something happens to me he will go looking for it elsewhere because it is all about his connecting with me, not him just being sex-crazed in general. He isn't stuck in a teenage boy mindset, that's just how he is. Dh always says that it should be our first choice of recreation because it is the one God designed. All these other things--computers, TVs, books--are distractions. Lol! And he has learned that if I'm gone for the evening and come home to a clean kitchen, I'm more apt to be in the mood!

[WishboneDawn]

 

 

I don't recall the article differentiating.

 

I can't imagine a person who cares about their spouse not having sex without some reason. Even if it is low drive that is a reason. And for women there is no "cure" or pill for that.

 

To be clear, I think many of us are not responding to the article but rather the reaction here to the article. I haven't read it and won't. But I see push back here that I think goes to far the other way in reducing the importance of sex in a marriage and in discounting other views of the role of sex in marriages.

[Cricket]

 

 

I would disagree that our culture is "tea obsessed." I think this opinion is more likely the influence of conservative religious ideology imposed on an objectively neutral behavior, a behavior whose moral values are constantly being challenged. I mean, just the fact that people throw around euphemisms and spell that word with symbols (ie, "s@x" or "s*x" or "teA"), illustrates an unease with the subject. It's like the fourth grader who giggles the first time she sees Michelangelo's "David" in all his human glory. She doesn't know what to do with this heretofore unspoken about topic, and the giggles just come out in response.

 

 

 

Arguably, conservative religion contributes to a culture of rape. It also leads the charge in placing a particular moral value on sex.

 

http://prospect.org/...re-rape-culture

http://www.patheos.c...pe-culture.html

http://thinkprogress...-abstinence-ed/

http://yesmeansyesbl...ght-rape-scale/

 

 

 

So long as girls and women are made to feel ashamed for being assaulted, told they are sluts for voluntarily having sex outside the bounds of legal matrimony, or made to endure some form of purity conditioning, teaching boys they shouldn't count on sex as a right only goes so far. The brainwashing has to stop for everyone. In my opinion, demystifying sex is a good enough place to start.

 

 

 

Service? Yeesh, that's so... consumeristic.

 

Even if all religions went away, rape would still exist and certain sexual acts would stil be considered deviant and morality would be attached to sex. Even non-religious people have moral codes and standards of behavior.

[Word Nerd]

 

Yes. I'm reading some of these responses & I seriously shocked that people honestly think this way. You know, there are men who do consider sex to be the most important part of marriage. They're a$$es. Full stop.

 

It's a symptom of how broken we are, not a trait to cater to.

 

I think that's only true if your view of sex is that it's a rather meaningless physical act, not an important means of connecting at a deeper level with one's spouse. That's certainly not how I view it, and I doubt the men who say it's very important do either.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I guess what bothers me about the article is that it places so much of the responsibility for a man's happiness in the woman's lap. But, it goes against basic biology. If the man is the one who really "needs" it, then he is going to want to do the things that will make the woman receptive. In the animal world, the male puts on a display or does courting behaviors to get the mate interested. Most women do not have a simple "on/off" switch. Most women can't just say "oh, I am going to do this for my dh" and be all ready. KWIM?? For most women I know, connecting on a personal level helps the woman become receptive - speaking her love language. For some it is doing the dishes. For others, it is more interpersonal connection. I know that for many women, not being "receptive" makes for painful, unsatisfying teA. I know (and have told him) that dh would get a whole lot more in that department if he were willing to step up to the plate and take responsibility for the quality of the relationship when I tire of holding that burden. Human courting behaviors still matter when it comes to the physical relationship. They don't stop mattering once the ring is on the finger.

[FaithManor]

.

 

This is exactly why articles like this irritate me! There isn't a one-size, fits-all definition of a godly marriage. Godly marriages come in all different shapes.

 

For him, it is one of the best ways to connect. I don't worry that if something happens to me he will go looking for it elsewhere because it is all about his connecting with me, not him just being sex-crazed in general.

 

Definition of a real man!

 

I don't worry about what would happen if I have a permanent health problem that would hamper our bedroom activities because he loves me for WAY more than that. The article, unless I'm reading it wrong, seems to make the bedroom the central aspect of the marriage, not the deeper connections. If the act itself is the end all and be all of the relationship, then I stick by my assertion that the male in question is a rutting goat, not a real man.

 

But, maybe, having BTDT and nearly died giving birth to one of the children, a situation that meant it was a good long while before there was any of that activity going on, and having had a devoted, adoring, compassionate, husband who was just very thankful I was alive and never felt deprived or resentful because sex wasn't happening, I have a different perspective of the centrality of sex to the relationship. While it could be a barometer of whether or not the couple has a healthy relationship, it is by no means whatsoever THE barometer of such things. Seasons in life.

 

Women hate being stereotyped; they should stop doing the same to men.

 

Faith

[Erin]

I guess what bothers me about the article is that it places so much of the responsibility for a man's happiness in the woman's lap.

It's written by a woman, on a women's issues blog...

Of course it's all being placed on the woman because she assumes that's who her readers are! :)

[DragonFaerie]

What about women who have non-existent sex drives? Or women who are sick and can't have sex? Or women who have suffered some horrible accident and are incapable of having sex? Are those women destined to be alone for the rest of their lives because they can't offer sex to a husband?

[Alexigail]

This "men are this way and anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves" stuff as well as the "men who want sex all the time are pigs" stuff is just silly. The truth is that most people don't have more than a few partners (if not just one) in life and even fewer serious relationships that involve sex. If we're going by a Christian standard of monogamy, then it's a survey of one.

 

You can't make general statements about this kind of thing because everyone is different and people change over time. My experience with my husband is certainly not something I can generalize across human behavior, and trying to do so is pretty short sighted. In my relationship, there has been an "unbalance of desire" so to speak for a long time. I think that demanding sex and withholding it can be equally selfish in a marriage.

Part of the struggle of a Christian marriage is finding the balance between the wills of two willful people. This is hard and there's no "male perogative" nor is there a "female perogative". Some men view sex as extremely important and some don't. Some women view it as extremely important and some don't. A blog or a magazine is always going to find a "study" that supports their own agenda. Even good ones. But boiling male and female desires down to a single formula can be very dangerous for a marriage because it creates unrealistic expectations for both partners. It was very damaging to mine and we still struggle with this issue, exactly because we were both caught up in our own ideas about "what women want" and "what men want". But we're all unique before God.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

You can't make general statements about this kind of thing because everyone is different and people change over time. My experience with my husband is certainly not something I can generalize across human behavior, and trying to do so is pretty short sighted. In my relationship, there has been an "unbalance of desire" so to speak for a long time. I think that demanding sex and withholding it can be equally selfish in a marriage.

Part of the struggle of a Christian marriage is finding the balance between the wills of two willful people. This is hard and there's no "male perogative" nor is there a "female perogative". Some men view sex as extremely important and some don't. Some women view it as extremely important and some don't. A blog or a magazine is always going to find a "study" that supports their own agenda. Even good ones. But boiling male and female desires down to a single formula can be very dangerous for a marriage because it creates unrealistic expectations for both partners. It was very damaging to mine and we still struggle with this issue, exactly because we were both caught up in our own ideas about "what women want" and "what men want". But we're all unique before God.

 

 

I "liked" your post but I especially like the part I bolded.

[8circles]

 

 

I think that's only true if your view of sex is that it's a rather meaningless physical act, not an important means of connecting at a deeper level with one's spouse. That's certainly not how I view it, and I doubt the men who say it's very important do either.

 

I'll have to respond later. I'm only on my phone & on a road trip.

[Veritaserum]

The repression of female sexuality in our culture is what results in framing sexual "needs" with the focus on the male. The sexual repression and objectification of females is why people believe things like this:

 

"Men want sex all the time. They need it in order to feel connected. Women don't want sex all the time. They have to be coaxed into it or they have to force themselves to do it because they know it's important to their husbands."

 

I read a great article the other day on the disconnect between what women say they want sexually and the sexual response they actually experience. It highlights the unhealthy way our culture has conditioned us to view female sexuality. It's a Mormon/LDS blog, but this is an issue that affects conservative religions as a whole.

 

http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/2013/06/so-what-do-women-want/

 

[mamajag]

I think I'll write a counter article. I'll suggest that if men want more sex they should do the dishes. I know that is what turns me on.

 

 

I had a Jewish friend who did premarital counseling that would tell young men that a woman's G spot is often found at the bottom of a sink full of dirty dishes.

[LaxMom]

IMO, relationships - marriage being the primary adult one - are about connection. Physical connection is one part, but certainly not the only one. Turning aspects of that connectedness into currency suggests spouses are objects to be manipulated. Given the number of people who seem to feel this way, no wonder we have low marriage satisfaction and high divorce rates.

[I.Dup.]

No, I don't think teA solves everything. Not at all.

 

But I do think it's important for one spouse to not reject the other.

[BakersDozen]

 

When we make love, you see, he feels closer and empowered. But we also feel closer to him, and all the things that bug us about him are minimized as well. We’re feeling more intimate and more connected.

I do not feel closer to my husband because of/during/after teA. I never have. And the things that bug me about him are not minimized by what happens in the bedroom. teA is, for me, a physical act and that is all - no emotions. Wrong? Maybe. But it is what it is and reading things like the bolded above is frustrating - statements that are not true for everyone or every couple. And yes, teA is, quite often, a "service" to my dh - he wants it, I don't, yet I participate because it blesses him. Is there really something wrong in that? I see it as more wrong to say 'no' to teA rather than participate despite not really wanting to.

[Veritaserum]

I had a Jewish friend who did premarital counseling that would tell young men that a woman's G spot is often found at the bottom of a sink full of dirty dishes.

 

 

But it's not. Sure, I may be more inclined to be in the mood if I don't have a sink full of dirty dishes to distract me, but our tEa life greatly improved after we figured out which physical things each of us responds to the best. Some men (and women!) really do need a lesson on where the G-spot is and how to facilitate female orga$m (<--trying to prevent the spambots). The release of oxytocin that comes with, well, release ;) causes both of us to feel extra connected to each other.

 

One reason why I resented sex for a long time was because I didn't have that release. It felt one-sided and I felt used. I still did it because of my religious upbringing that taught me that my husband needed it and I should be a dutiful wife. After I chucked those harmful beliefs out the window and actively worked to reframe how I viewed my sexuality, my libido surpassed my husband's. ;)

[gardenmom5]

LOL OK, all the ladies who have husbands who DON'T express love through sex raise your hand! :seeya:

I'm actually pretty surprised that THIS isn't common knowledge by now, that human beings are complex emotional beings that are very often not tied down to gender stereotypes in how they express them. Huh. Gotta go reread The Five Love Languages or something... lol

 

 

:seeya: dh expresses love for me through service. doing things. for. me. I told him about this blog and thread and I got what I knew I'd get in response. (he has a very warped sense of humor - it was a mocking response to the blog post. and disgust.).

 

what that blog post was talking about was not intimacy - and intimacy is what makes a marriage. the physical is just one part of intimacy in marriage.

 

I've been married over 30 years. the conventional wisdom of "marriage is a 50/50 deal" is also a load of baloney. it's 100/100. some days you don't have it to give, and your dh will carry the relationship. other days, he doesn't have it to give and you carry it. that's life and what makes a good marriage is both partners being willing to put out 100%.

[BakersDozen]

 

LOL OK, all the ladies who have husbands who DON'T express love through sex raise your hand!

:seeya: And so thankful for that fact! We've had time spans of well over a year with no teA and my sweet dh has never complained and never, never, never changed how he served and loved me.

[Seasider]

Yeah this all sounds like an excuse. What about the guy/gal who is away from home for a month or more? Should he feel justified in seeking out sex because he needs it to live?

 

I think I'll write a counter article. I'll suggest that if men want more sex they should do the dishes. I know that is what turns me on.

 

Forget the dishes! I want my guy to read a book that I'm reading so we can have a good discussion about it.

 

Oh, wait - you mean what works for you won't work for me, or *everyone* else? Go figure...

[No More Perfect]

But it's not. Sure, I may be more inclined to be in the mood if I don't have a sink full of dirty dishes to distract me, but our tEa life greatly improved after we figured out which physical things each of us responds to the best. Some men (and women!) really do need a lesson on where the G-spot is and how to facilitate female orga$m (<--trying to prevent the spambots). The release of oxytocin that comes with, well, release ;) causes both of us to feel extra connected to each other.

 

One reason why I resented sex for a long time was because I didn't have that release. It felt one-sided and I felt used. I still did it because of my religious upbringing that taught me that my husband needed it and I should be a dutiful wife. After I chucked those harmful beliefs out the window and actively worked to reframe how I viewed my sexuality, my libido surpassed my husband's. ;)

 

 

I could have written this!

[FaithManor]

Forget the dishes! I want my guy to read a book that I'm reading so we can have a good discussion about it.

 

Oh, wait - you mean what works for you won't work for me, or *everyone* else? Go figure...

 

Oh yah...Dh once engaged me in a conversation about J.S. Bach's mathematical genius and his six part invention/fugue. All I can say is it's a darn.good.thing. the children were not home. I am sure they would have been scarred for life!

 

Faith

[Mrs Mungo]

DP

[Mrs Mungo]

But the only one I can control is me. And I know that sex IS important to most men, particularly if they're married. (Seriously, 45 seconds with Google is all it takes) High libido or low is completely irrelevant. That's just how a man tends to emotionally connect to his wife.

 

NOBODY said sex was not important. They said it is not the end all, be all of a marriage. Again, I know women with high libidos and marriage problems. None of my marital problems have ever been caused by lack of sex.

 

it's just part of being a man.

 

Errr...most women like sex too. Most couples feel more emotionally connected when they have a good relationship with lovemaking that satisfies them both. It is part of being human.

 

Like Wendy points out, my dh is military. Do you have any *clue* the portion of our 20 year marriage he has been away somewhere for weeks or months at a time? We have gone 9 months without even seeing each other. Our marriage survived. He didn't run around on me. I didn't run around on him or even have my emotional needs met by other men.

[mamajag]

 

 

But it's not. Sure, I may be more inclined to be in the mood if I don't have a sink full of dirty dishes to distract me, but our tEa life greatly improved after we figured out which physical things each of us responds to the best. Some men (and women!) really do need a lesson on where the G-spot is and how to facilitate female orga$m (<--trying to prevent the spambots). The release of oxytocin that comes with, well, release ;) causes both of us to feel extra connected to each other.

 

One reason why I resented sex for a long time was because I didn't have that release. It felt one-sided and I felt used. I still did it because of my religious upbringing that taught me that my husband needed it and I should be a dutiful wife. After I chucked those harmful beliefs out the window and actively worked to reframe how I viewed my sexuality, my libido surpassed my husband's. ;)

 

I have never had that experience. You had other things going on that needed fixing. No wonder you weren't interested! I wouldn't be if I were in that situation.

 

My husband has been my only and has always prided himself on making sure I was satisfied...that is what leads to his release...the ability to give me mine. Since our life in that aspect was healthy, doing the dishes or doing a load of laundry does help. I tend to refuse only if I'm exhausted, and once hubby figured that out he started helping out a lot around the house even in roles we designated as mine. He tells me he wished he'd had the epiphany that less housework for me meant more tea for him. He'd have been helping all along.

 

It's a cute anecdote, and it gets the young men thinking about things from the female's perspective in a non threatening manner.

[Dory]

 

 

But it's not. Sure, I may be more inclined to be in the mood if I don't have a sink full of dirty dishes to distract me, but our tEa life greatly improved after we figured out which physical things each of us responds to the best. Some men (and women!) really do need a lesson on where the G-spot is and how to facilitate female orga$m (<--trying to prevent the spambots). The release of oxytocin that comes with, well, release ;) causes both of us to feel extra connected to each other.

 

One reason why I resented sex for a long time was because I didn't have that release. It felt one-sided and I felt used. I still did it because of my religious upbringing that taught me that my husband needed it and I should be a dutiful wife. After I chucked those harmful beliefs out the window and actively worked to reframe how I viewed my sexuality, my libido surpassed my husband's. ;)

 

I have the release, the knowledge within our sex life was great, the act was good, but without the intimacy preceding the act, I still came out feeling horrible. My younger years revolved around sex and I know what I'm doing in the bedroom. It won't fulfil a relationship by itself though. Until it became an expression of the healthy connection in our relationship, I hated it even though I craved it. I have a plenty high labido. My dh and I have had to actually cut sex completely out of our relationship for awhile in order to focus on the rest of the marriage.

[Catherine]

Yeah this all sounds like an excuse. What about the guy/gal who is away from home for a month or more? Should he feel justified in seeking out sex because he needs it to live?

 

I think I'll write a counter article. I'll suggest that if men want more sex they should do the dishes. I know that is what turns me on.

 

I think there is actually data to support the idea that men who are attentive to their spouses' wishes in this area (contribution to the work of the household in substantive ways) have better marriages and more sex. It stands to reason. No one wants to feel like they carry the entire burden of household work, maybe bring home some of the bacon, and are responsible for their husband's sexual satisfaction at all times too. For SAHMs, that balance may be somewhat different, depending on how many children there are, their ages, etc.

[Alexigail]

It's hard for me to get into the mindset that "ok this is going to take place between this and that time, and you have to act like you are excited about it no matter what happens to be on your mind at that time and no matter how tired at that time you might be". That's a lot of pressure

 

Same here! Scheduling seems really unsexy to me, though it is necessary sometimes.