Kids who say they "hate being homeschooled"

[cakemom]

So, we have been homeschooling my dd (13) and ds (10) all the way through. For years, my daughter will say now and then that she "hates being homeschooled" and that she will NEVER homeschool her own children. This has been a thorn in my side since I have always hoped that one day, she would somehow actually appreciate the benefits of homeschooling and grow to like her situation rather than to hate it. It hurts me everytime she says this and now my son will say he also wants to go to school and not be homeschooled. I am sure dd saying this over time has influenced his remarks as well.

 

DD says that she wants to go to school because she would have more friends and she could see them everyday (she has a great core group of friends now (that she sees every week at our co-op) that she clams she would be fine with leaving if she could go to school. She says that people think homeschooling is weird and feels weird when people ask her where she goes to school. She feels she will miss out on typical high school things like dances, graduation, prom, etc. So it is all social things which I have told her that I have no problem planning so that she will be able to participate in those things as a homeschooler.

 

We are now approaching high school in the fall with my dd and I so wish she would just enjoy this experience instead of stressing that she hates it and she wants to go to school. My husband and I are happy with our homeschooling choice but I wish my kids were on board with it too.

 

Has anyone else had this issue with their kids or does anyone have suggestions or advise in this matter?

 

Thanks in advance!!

[2queens&1princenmyhouse]

I want to know this too. Our situation is pretty much the same except that we've only been homeschooling a year. The girls get to see their school friends 2-3 times each week based on which activities they are participating in, so it's not like they are missing out on those relationships. I'm coming to the conclusion that for some kids, the grass is always greener on the other side. The downside is that DS was completely on board with homeschooling, but after hearing all the little comments the girls make, now he wants to go to "school" too. :cursing:

[Crimson Wife]

Young adolescents often have a bad case of "the grass is greener" syndrome. IMHO they're going to complain about "hating" whatever type schooling situation they are in because that's developmentally the stage they're in. Some days I'm tempted to show DD how miserable public middle school is, but I care about her too much to let her walk into that vipers' nest.

[SharonUF]

Some children will whine and complain simply because it is fun to annoy and stir up others. My son is like this. Perhaps your daughter sees how much her words about homeschooling bother you, so she keeps it up? I know I have to not make too big a deal about some things my son says, just politely tell him once and then turn a deaf ear to it after that. Best parenting line I read somewhere is "Asked and answered." Next time she asks to go to public school, you could try that phrase and then simply change the subject or leave the room. Everytime it is brought up, just repeat. Anyways, best wishes on however you decide to deal with this.

[boscopup]

When I was a kid, I said I never wanted to be a stay at home mom like my mother. Boy have things changed! :lol:

 

I agree that you're probably going to have resistance to anything due to age. OTOH, I'd seriously consider a high school aged child's desire to try school. For some kids, school really is a better choice.

[cakemom]

Your posts are already starting to make me feel better about this. Seeing that it probably is a situation of the "grass is greener" teen syndrome and that if she went to school, she might feel the same "hate" for that after a while. I know she is pushing my button on this and I am sure she knows she is doing that also. I guess because her education is so important to me, I let it bother me more than any other topic she could push my buttons on. It hurts me that she is basically dogging what I am passionate about (passionate about homeschooling my kiddos). I need to learn to ignore her remarks somehow and just keep keeping on as they say.

[Staceyshoe]

My kids are younger than yours. When I start to hear homeschooling complaints, I make sure we're outside playing or coming/going from a fun activity when the school buses pick up and drop off the public school kids. (Elementary drop-off here is 4:55pm!) Then we talk about how those kids will go home and do their homework, eat their dinner, go to bed, and then do it all again the next day. This reality check seems to help them see the perks of homeschooling.

 

If a classroom situation or more socialization is an honest request (not just a "reason" to complain), then there are ways to accomplish this objective and still be homeschoolers.

[Kathie in VA]

Been there, done that. My complainer is now 18 years old and just completed dual enrolling at the college this year.

She hated being home schooled ... all the way through. We took her out of a private school because it was really bad for her and we moved anyway. Planned to do charter school but it was filled. We ended up homeschooling that year (her 2nd grade) and continued ever since.

 

Her neighborhood friend kinda faded when they both hit high school. She did get to do the home school proms when she was in early high school. She even got to go to a public school prom once.

 

Funny thing is, by the time she was in about 10th grade or so she changed her mind!!!! She had noticed a difference in her public school friends and her home school friends. The public school friends... and the ones that were friends of her neighborhood friend.. seems "empty" and "shallow" to her. Their conversations were boring. She preferred her home schooled friends and even said words that were very surprising... "I'm glad I was home schooled."

[cakemom]

Honestly, I think my kids think they do more/ harder work than kids that go to school as well.

 

Next year, besides taking classes at our co-op, my dd is also taking 2 online classes for 9th grade. To me, that seems like a nice mix of live group classes (through co-op), online classrooms and teacher and home study.

 

I have thought in the past of telling her............"ok, you wanna go to school, lets go down and register" to see when it really came down to it, what would she do but I am too afraid that she would just go with it. I have talked to her about taking her situation to God and praying about homeschooling but she does not want to do that because she says "she does not really care about changing her view so she does not think she will be doing that".

 

I wish I could just ask her to pray about what God wants for her and she would come back saying homeschooling is the right thing!!

[Pawz4me]

I never heard complaints, but when our then-14 yo said he wanted to go back to public school for high school (after being homeschooled for four years) we talked over the situation thoroughly and then DH and I said "okay." DS had some very valid and well-thought-out reasons for wanting to go to public school. And it has worked out wonderfully for him.

 

And when our current 14-yo said a few months ago that he wanted to apply to our county's early college high school (after seven years of homeschooling), we talked it over thoroughly and then DH and I said "okay." Again, DS had very valid and well-thought-out reasons. And just yesterday we found out he's been accepted and of course we have high hopes that it'll be a great fit for him.

 

Our philosophy has always been that our boys are allowed some control over their education. Especially when they reached the teenaged years, but even when they were younger. Barring something like truly terrible/dangerous public schools or other extenuating circumstances, then I don't understand not letting them have a say. Is it a gamble that you might let them go to "real" school and they'll hate it, too? Sure it is. But how will you know if you don't let them try? It just might turn out to be a much better fit than homeschooling.

[happycc]

With my first set of kids I started homeschooling them straight through and they were always intrigue about school. I became a single mom and I had to send them to school. Once in school, they were hooked like a drug. The meaness, the atittudes, the laziness etc They did tell me that they were nicer when they were homeschooled and that they were smarter when they were homeschooled. Unfortunately they got influenced by some bad kids and it has been downhill since. The social scene is truly addicting for some kids.

 

With my second set of kids, they started life in school until they begged me to homeschool them. So they are now happily homeschooled. They did not like the public school social scene but this second set of kids are much shyer and have more social anxieties than my first set. Granted the second set of kids are only 11yrs and 9yrs. True adolescent the grass is greener syndrome has not hit them yet. So I am holding my breath until then.

 

I have no idea what to do with my 3rd set. I am tempted to let them try school at the beginning and then pull them out around 3/4th grade. Then I am not because the idea of heading back to a school environment for me gives me the hibbie jeebies. Remember when you send your kids to school, what you want is no longer considered. It is the school's rules, the school's curriculum, the school's teachers. the school's schedule...the school basically owns you and your kids and often they strongly believe that they know more about your kids than you do.

 

In regards to letting your child try school out...you have to be sure you are truly ok with it and be ready to accept what the school throws at you. With my first set of kids, I found a K-8 public school the kids and I really liked but then it got a new principal and the school changed because 15 of the core teachers left!!!!. By then, it was hard to switch schools as the kids already had friends established and such. But those last 2.5 years of that school was an absolute nightmare. I am still traumatized by it. My situation was further complicated because of my ex husband who made things even more difficult. He was anti anything I decided. So if I wanted to pull the kids out he would have made a stink about it saying that I was changing the kids environment. I opted to keep the kids in the school and I recently got a phone call from my 18yrs old that he hates me for keeping him there because he was mentally abused by the new principal and one her minion teachers. Good grief! I never can win.

 

So some things to keep in mind when entering a school environment and I am not talking about a Jr. College situation. I am talking about regular public school K-12 that has less freedom than a jr.college.

 

1) You should like the principal

2) You should like the office staff

3) You should like all the teachers

4) You should be able to agree to most of the petty rules of the school

5) Be prepared for new principal and teachers

6) You should like most of the parents and students

[Hunter]

I have always hoped that one day, she would somehow actually appreciate the benefits of homeschooling and grow to like her situation rather than to hate it. It hurts me everytime she says this...

 

 

The fact that you have such strong feelings about this gives her power. Humans often look for where they have power, and use that power to their advantage.

 

For good and bad, I usually wasn't too worried about what my boys appreciated or liked, when I made major parenting decisions. It wasn't an area that gave them any power. I had other areas where I stressed and worried, like whether I was doing a good job, and my youngest used that to his full advantage to manipulate me.

 

Your son is watching your daughter. He sees an effective power play taking place. No matter what he likes or doesn't like, he sees a bargaining chip being handed to him. It would be a rare child that wouldn't grab it and use it. :grouphug:

 

Don't be so sure that their words are reflective of their true wants. Also, even what children want is often very short-sighted, and they need to be protected from being able to have every want.

[Wabi Sabi]

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think that at your daughter's age she should have a say in whether she stays at home or enrolls in school. It almost sounds as though she has no voice in the matter at all. Hopefully I'm simply misreading the OP.

[Laura Corin]

Young adolescents often have a bad case of "the grass is greener" syndrome. IMHO they're going to complain about "hating" whatever type schooling situation they are in because that's developmentally the stage they're in. Some days I'm tempted to show DD how miserable public middle school is, but I care about her too much to let her walk into that vipers' nest.

 

 

FWIW, Calvin enjoyed home education and enjoys school. He appreciates the pros and cons of each. We talked through his needs each year, and the balance tipped towards school at a certain point.

 

Laura

[BrettW]

I feel for the OP because I am in the EXACT same boat.

 

This thread is so interesting (and timely) for me. I told my daughter (11) just yesterday that I'm not planning on sending her to PS next year. She cried. She's been HSed all the way through and says that she doesn't want to do it anymore. She asks (almost) every day to go to "regular" school. She's more than willing to give up all of her hs friends/programs (Options, co-op) to try PS. She also negatively influences her younger brother, 9, with her poor attitude about school work and reading. (He went to PS for K and fortunately still says he wants to keep hsing.)

 

My concern is that if I let her try PS, that she will NEVER choose to be hsed again. It would mean the permanent end of our hs journey and all because she's watched some disney channel shows (iCarley, Victorious, etc..) that make PS look glamorous and "fun". Her reasons for wanting to go are ALL social - to see friends every day, mostly. It's like she thinks there's a big party going on at school everyday and I'm keeping her at home and making her do Latin. She's full of resentment. I can tell her a thousand times that it's not really like that (and others can tell her too but she doesn't pay any attention. AT. ALL.) To her it's all about "friends". (and she already has a large number of friends - that she's willing to stop seeing. :glare: Most are hsed but her best friend is in PS. She doesn't even ask to go to the same school as her best friend - she's willing to go to ANY school at all.)

 

For those of you who have chosen to switch to PS because your child asked to, did your kids have have EDUCATIONAL reasons for wanting to attend school? Is that what "tipped the scales" or did they have mostly SOCIAL reasons? (One of my daughters reasons is that she wants to have a locker and ride the yellow school bus with friends!!! Yes, really.) :confused1:

 

Are social reasons alone enough for a parent to be willing to make such a big change in their child's lives/futures? (sorry to vent)

[ktgrok]

We've agreed that he can go to public school for highschool. Then, just recently, I agreed that he could go for 8th grade if he really wanted to. It was at the point where I couldn't keep fighting about it. Every single argument ended in "if I wasn't homeschooled....". It was awful for our relationship. Turns out...after thinking about it, he's going to stay home until highschool at least. It seems he didn't want to go to public school really...he just didn't wanted to be FORCED to homeschool. Once the power was in his hands he decided to stay home anyway.

[ktgrok]

I

 

For those of you who have chosen to switch to PS because your child asked to, did your kids have have EDUCATIONAL reasons for wanting to attend school? Is that what "tipped the scales" or did they have mostly SOCIAL reasons? (One of my daughters reasons is that she wants to have a locker and ride the yellow school bus with friends!!! Yes, really.) :confused1:

 

Are social reasons alone enough for a parent to be willing to make such a big change in their child's lives/futures? (sorry to vent)

 

His reasons are social. But at some point (and 11 probably isn't it), his feelings come into play. For us it was for 8th grade, when he would be 14. At 14 I figured he needed to start making some of his own decisions as he transitions towards adulthood.

[Pawz4me]

For those of you who have chosen to switch to PS because your child asked to, did your kids have have EDUCATIONAL reasons for wanting to attend school? Is that what "tipped the scales" or did they have mostly SOCIAL reasons? (One of my daughters reasons is that she wants to have a locker and ride the yellow school bus with friends!!! Yes, really.) :confused1:

 

Are social reasons alone enough for a parent to be willing to make such a big change in their child's lives/futures? (sorry to vent)

 

My sons' reasons were mostly educational in nature, although the social aspect did play a role.

 

But had their reasons been completely social I don't think DH and I would have automatically said "no." We want them to learn and excel academically. But we also want them to be happy and develop into well-rounded adults. Home may or may not be the best place for all (or any) of those. When looking at the entire situation as objectively as possible, DH and I couldn't come up with a single valid reason to NOT let them try something besides home schooling.

[Walking-Iris]

My kids are young, but I have not committed myself to homeschooling them for high school. I feel that the social reasons for wanting to go to high school are as valid as the educational reasons. My dh and I had great experiences in high school and I wouldn't want to deny my kids those same experiences. I feel that adolescence is a time for wanting to expand your social contacts, be independent from parents and the home, test and compare yourself among your peers and so on.

 

I homeschool early elementary because I feel that I can establish a stronger academic foundation, and I also believe that young children need quality over quantity social interactions and plenty of downtime. I plan on homeschooling middle school because i feel that it is such a tumultuous time that the peace of a homeschool environment will help alleviate some middle school issues. My dh subs in a middle school and he says they are just awful at that age and putting them in large groups like that seems crazy. I even think some states are eliminating the middle school.

 

But high school imo is a time to leave the nest. If my children do attend high school, the option of pulling them out to homeschool if there are issues is an option. But I don't feel one can truly know how a teen will do unless they are given the chance. And at that age more so than the younger ages, they are mature enough and resilient enough to be given the chance.

 

It also depends on how safe one feels their local high school is. And of course one never knows these days. But it is something that I have decided to reevaluate when the time comes.

[Joker]

My dds reasons for wanting to attend ps were completely social, and it has worked out wonderfully. She went back for sixth grade and was 11 years old. She's a much happier person and is thriving there. She really did know what she needed and I'm glad I listened to her.

 

She has even thanked me for homeschooling her through elementary school because she's thriving in the honors program and she is pretty much the only person in middle school who can write in cursive (which she now thinks is 'cool').

[Laura Corin]

 

 

For those of you who have chosen to switch to PS because your child asked to, did your kids have have EDUCATIONAL reasons for wanting to attend school? Is that what "tipped the scales" or did they have mostly SOCIAL reasons? (One of my daughters reasons is that she wants to have a locker and ride the yellow school bus with friends!!! Yes, really.) :confused1:

 

Are social reasons alone enough for a parent to be willing to make such a big change in their child's lives/futures? (sorry to vent)

 

Calvin didn't actually ask to go to school - he's a respectful child and, particularly at that age, was not prepared to enforce his will on such an important matter.

 

For us, it was a combination of issues, with the academic becoming more important over time. Yes, Calvin was not making good friends through his activities, but he's an unusual personality and I wasn't convinced that school would provide more good friends for him. In that I was right. On the other hand, his academic needs were starting to be very strong: it wasn't that I couldn't teach him at a higher level; he just needed to bounce ideas of other people, in order to broaden his intellectual development. He already knew my opinions on the world; he needed to hear from other adults and children

 

Dual enrollment was not possible in this area and online classes (he had already taken one) did not provide the kind of stimulation he needed. So, Husband and I decided it was time to put the idea of school to the boys. Once it was brought up, both boys were interested in school and - apart from some initial nervousness and teething problems - it was and is a success.

 

Laura

[tuzor]

No advice only hugs. My oldest has expressed a desire to go to ps and my heart hurts everytime. He is only in second grade and right now the choice is to keep him home but if it a subject that is continually brought up we will look into other options.

[BinahYeteirah]

My oldest sometimes indicates she hates homeschooling. She mostly says this when she's upset about other things or is in conflict with me, so I don't think these statements are reflective of her whole attitude towards homeschooling.

 

Having said that, I do think she will want to at least try school at some point. My issue is that public school is NOT an option for us, so the other option is private school. I want to make the best decision for her irrespective of financial considerations, but I know the prospect of a tuition bill in the thousands weighs on my mind. I also worry that if I send her, my other kids will clamor to go as well. Another issue is that I won't appreciate being tied down to the school schedule and all the school demands on my time while I'm still homeschooling my younger kids. I'm afraid I'm considering the school/homeschool question more from my point of view than hers, and I'm not sure how to get past that.

[Mandy in TN]

When my second child was in jrhigh, he started refusing to do work. He would flat out refuse to open a book and would say that it was stupid and why did he need to learn that stuff anyway. He wasn't particularly asking to go to school, but he wasn't wanting to work for me. One day I had had enough. I told him to go to the vehicle and told my oldest to watch the preschooler that son #2 and I had something we needed to do. I told ds #2 that school work was not optional and that he could either work for me or he could get on the big yellow twinkie and go to ps. I called the ps on the way out of the drive. When we arrived, I just told them that we currently homeschooled but were considering ps. He saw classrooms of students sitting in desks doing work without any vote on whether or not it was something they wanted to study. The school had a great arts program. The staff and teachers were informative and happy. After the tour, I felt like it wouldn't be so horrible if he ended up there. OTOH, he decided that he wanted to be at home, so he stayed home. :) He is now a 19yo who just finished his freshman year of college, and he thinks that homeschooling is the way to go. He would like to see his kids homeschooled.

 

See if you can tour some of the classrooms at the local high school not the cafeteria and the hallway between classes. See if there is a guidance counselor who will talk to you and your dd about graduation requirements. See if there is a teacher who will talk to you and your daughter about classroom expectations- the amount of work required and behavior expected. It may be that one or both of you changes your mind. :)

 

HTH-

Mandy

[Pawz4me]

On the other hand, his academic needs were starting to be very strong: it wasn't that I couldn't teach him at a higher level; he just needed to bounce ideas of other people, in order to broaden his intellectual development.

 

My oldest has always been a very strong student. But one of his reasons for wanting to go to public high school was that he felt the competition from other kids would spur him to work even harder at his studies. I can't say if that's been true or not, but he's in the top 3% in his grade at school. So I'm agreeing with Laura that for some kids being around others serves a higher purpose than just socializing.

[deannajo]

One of my kids just hates school. I have offered to send him to school and he hates that idea. He hates whatever it is we do at home. There is no pleasing him at all.

 

I don't know what the answer is. Except if there was something my son would hate less I think I'd be willing to try it.

 

I have one of these too. Sigh. I'm the same way, if my dd would hate it less, I'd be willing to try it, hoping that she would come back home with a new appreciation for homeschooling and education in general, but I doubt that would happen (with her at least)

[Upward Journey]

So far we've given ours the choice once they hit high school age. Oldest decided to stay home, but #2 decided to go. She started asking at about age 12, I think. She is very social, I am not. I could not meet that need in her. Is she getting the same high school education that her older brother did? No. But she is happy and thriving. I would much rather have a happy, adequately educated child than a miserable, well educated one. I don't know what the next three will decide when the time comes, but by that age social needs really do need to be considered as equally valid reasons for attending.

[momma2three]

If her issue is that she wants more social interaction with peers, is there a way to provide that? I know you say that she goes to a co-op once a week, but does she do other things with her friends? Some kids (and people) are more social than others. If she's a particularly social child who really needs that, can you make sure that she has more opportunities to hang out with other kids? That might make her happy.

 

Personally, I wouldn't homeschool a child who didn't want to be homeschooled, but it sounds like that's something you don't want to bend on.

[specialkmom]

For the OP:

 

I just want to encourage you. I was your daughter. About high school age I hated being homeschooled. I would leave notes in my mom's purse about how I hated it and wanted to go to a real school, even if it was the awful public high school down the road (a lot of gang influence there). I always said I would never homeschool, and my kids were all going to a real school someday where they would have lots of friends and real teachers and real experiences.

 

We played sports for a private school and we were very involved with other activities outside our home without our parents. But, I thought the grass was greener somewhere else. There was no way my parents were going to allow any of us to go to public school and there was no money for private school. The answer was always no, and that was that.

 

But still, even up to my oldest going to Pre-K/K, my kids were going to a school- no way I was homeschooling. When the time came to send him, I took a good look at what they were going to teach, my drive there and back with younger kids, and my husband's very busy and abnormal schedule. I decided it wasn't worth it to send him when I could accomplish all that at home in a short time, we'd have a free schedule, and still have time with friends. After we got started I realized I enjoyed homeschooling, and when 1st grade rolled around, I said no to school and we kept going.

 

Now, I'm actually a bit sad that my kids will be going to a school for a couple years (we'll be moving overseas). But, you know- despite my previous hatred for homeschooling- my attitude has changed. And even though I educate my kids differently at home than my parents did for me, I am still very appreciative of what they did for me during those years. There were a lot of benefits I didn't see then, but I do now.

 

So, no advice on what to do for your daughter, just encouragement that the attitude change may happen, it just might be a while out.

 

Perhaps sitting down and discussing her thoughts and yours might help you both.

[albeto]

I'm afraid I'm considering the school/homeschool question more from my point of view than hers, and I'm not sure how to get past that.

 

As a parent of a rather difficult child, I'd suggest many of our choices really come down to this. In my experience, helping a growing, maturing child with the autonomy they really desire is far better than restricting them, regardless of good intentions. Having a parent that is understood by the child to be manipulative and selfish rarely makes for a desired continued relationship.

 

Good luck with your decision.

 

:)

[kiwik]

My kids aren't home schooled because as a single parent I have to work.

 

The hardest thing as one of the other posters said is the school basically owning your kids. It is their beliefs and attitudes that hold weight not yours. It is the school that gets the best hours of your child - you are either rushing a child to school who just wants to play or dealing with a tired child and homework. It is hard to deal with.

[Crimson Wife]

It's like she thinks there's a big party going on at school everyday and I'm keeping her at home and making her do Latin. She's full of resentment. I can tell her a thousand times that it's not really like that (and others can tell her too but she doesn't pay any attention. AT. ALL.) To her it's all about "friends". (and she already has a large number of friends - that she's willing to stop seeing. :glare:

 

Oldest DD is jealous of her little sister because youngest DD "gets" to go to a special ed preschool. I told oldest DD that if the district was willing to put her in a class with 4 teachers and 7 other students all around the same level as her and tailor the work to her individual educational goals, I'd be happy to enroll her. They're just not willing to do that for her unlike her little sister.

[albeto]

My kids aren't home schooled because as a single parent I have to work.

 

The hardest thing as one of the other posters said is the school basically owning your kids. It is their beliefs and attitudes that hold weight not yours. It is the school that gets the best hours of your child - you are either rushing a, child to school who just wants to play or dealing with a tired child and homework. It is hard to deal with.

 

 

I have a child in the local public school by her choice. My experience is nothing like this. She is offered experiences I simply cannot provide for a variety of reasons, none of them bad. She is surrounded by people her age, which gives her the time she needs to learn to get along with people she has to work with, regardless of whether or not they are compatible in a friendship way. It also gives her the opportunity to develop and mature in her own way, a way that suits her and fits her needs while living in the security of a loving family.

[cakemom]

BrettW,

 

Do you have my kids at your house? lol. Your post is sooooo similar to the situation I am having at home!! My dd has even mentioned going to school so she could have a locker and eat lunch in the lunch room and ride the bus as well. I don't understand why she would want to leave all of her friends who she enjoys hanging around to go off to something totally different.

 

Ktgrok,

 

I wonder this about my daughter as well. If she felt she was not forced to be homeschooled and if I really gave her the option, if she would just choose to be home anyway. I wonder how much of this is really just a power struggle that she wants to just have the freedom and the power of choice on her own. I personally have not given her the choice out of fear on my part because #1 I am so afraid that she will choose school #2 I love the freedom we have not only in schedule, but in class choices, options (curriculum choices, literature choices, etc. and timing (what year and order you can take your courses) #3 we make Bible a part of our school together everyday and #4 I can really use those teachable moments that come up to talk with her about our values........she actually shares with me about situations going on with friends and wants to include me in what is happening. I love how my opinion still matters and that she values and comes to me for advice instead of shutting me out and going only to her peers.

 

Momma2three,

 

Yes, besides seeing her friends at co-op, she goes to teen parties and dances with her homeschooled friends, she has "hang out" time with her friends at our house and their houses. More now than ever before. She is actually at a end of the year bonfire party with a bunch of her homeschooled friends now as we speak. So, yes, she has plenty of opportunity to go and do things with her friends outside of co-op.

 

Maybe this is one of those situations about letting a dove go free.........if after letting it go, if it comes back, it was meant to be.

Personally as a parent, I want something better for her than what I had as a kid in the educational department. I went to PS throughout my entire school career. I was VERY social. So much so that I never really cared about my school work. Got C's in my classes and just cared about hanging out with my friends. What did I actually learn in school...........from my classes? Not much. I am learning way more this time around than I ever did in High school but that was my fault. After graduation, I did not have the grades to go to a good college. I worked 2-3 part time jobs at a time while taking part time classes at a community college and living on my own with a roommate. After I discovered that I was getting no where with these minimum paying jobs (not even making enough money to pay the bills), I decided I needed to actually make some kind of money to live on my own. After getting enough credits for one year at community college (and much, much better grades) , I did transfer and get accepted to the University of Michigan......something that would have never happened out of high school for me. So, point being that I just don't want her to struggle like I did and I want to teach her so that she will be able to have every door open to her if she wants it.

[BrettW]

Cakemom,

 

One of the options I'm considering is seeing if I could find a school (B&M) situation (either public or private) where she could attend 1/2 day (all afternoon) and after for electives, if she wants. This way I could continue to HS the areas that are "important" to me (math, latin, etc.) at home in the mornings and have her do the other stuff at a school (science, whatever else they do...) in the afternoons.

 

Firstly, I don't even know if this type of situation is possible. Secondly, I'm worried about the influence of other children (especially at a large public school). But, on the other hand, I'm really concerned about our relationship if we continue on with just homeschooling. Even though she does various programs and has many friends, she isn't satisfied and looks at school buildings and yellow buses longingly.

 

She would have to drop out of her one-full-day-per-week homeschool Options program to do something like this. She has many friends there and says that she "loves" it - that it's her favorite day of the week. But a minute later she says she doesn't want to do it next year because she wants to go to "real" school - that going to "real" school would be like going to Options everyday. It's baffling.

 

I know she'd prefer to go ALL day, but she might be satisfied with this compromise. I haven't mentioned this idea to her yet because I don't know if it's possible and because I don't know if I'm fully good with it yet.

 

Any thoughts? Would your daughter go for something like this? Would you?

[cakemom]

BrettW,

 

First of all, my daughter feels the same way about our homeschool co-op. She loves it and it is her favorite day of the week. She said that school would be like going to co-op every day and that is what she wants.

 

So, I have been thinking about all of this over the past couple of days and taking into consideration what some of the other posters have said here in regards to my situation.

 

Well, today, I met one of my biggest fears in the face and gave the situation to God.......which is where I should have put it in the first place. I had a talk with my daughter (she is really almost 14) and told her that all I have ever wanted for her was the best and how I cared about her more than anything. I also told her that I felt the decision needs to be hers and that I did not want to keep homeschooling her IF she felt just forced to do it and she was not able to choose it herself. It is like this with God, He wants us to have a relationship with Him and to follow Him but He does not want it to be forced because then He knows we are doing it out of other reasons not our own. I have to have faith that God knows what plan is best for my her and leave it up to Him. What I want more than anything is to see her happy and thriving and working hard at what she has chosen, not what I have chosen for her.

 

When I told her all of this today, I sobbed! and she cried also. She apologized for making me feel badly and said that whatever she chose, she has so appreciated everything I have ever done for her. She knows I love homeschooling and have put a lot of time and effort into already planning out her first year of high school. I have gone through more crying phases today but whatever she decides, strangely enough, I don't feel afraid or stressed about it. I need to support her and be her for her to talk to about the decision. I told her to pray about it and come to my husband and I IF she decided she wants to go to school and the 3 of us will sit down and have a serious conversation and talk about the next step.

 

She has been crying throughout the day a little as well and coming to me with some thoughts and almost wanting me to make the decision for her somehow but I don't want to do that because I don't want her to again.....not have peace with what she will decide and again feel forced.......that someone else made her to what she is doing. I want her to be vested in her decision.

 

Did I do the right thing? I don't know but all I can do now is wait and see where God will take us each day.

 

Honestly, I would love for her to CHOOSE to stay home and we can continue on without all of the fighting and wondering and slacking because it is not what she wants. If she chooses school, it will be a whole new venture since we have been homeschooling for 9 years now.

[Pawz4me]

I think you did the right thing. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[ktgrok]

you did a wise and brave thing. hugs to you.

[sassenach]

I totally think you did the right thing.

 

I went through this with my dd. We prayed about it and really felt that we should enroll her in 8th grade. She's now finishing her sophomore year, and while it's definitely had its ups and downs, I really do believe it was the right decision. Our relationship has only grown more close since. I think she really needed to know that we believe in her ability to navigate the world. The more we express our support and belief in her, the more she has risen to the occasion.

 

Also, she speaks extremely positively of her hs years and even plans to hs her own kids. She can now see the foundation we gave her.

 

Best wishes!

[warneral]

you know, I would worry that she would turn rebellious on her if you forced her to homeschool. I would set clear expectations for behavior, attitude, responsibility if she decides to go to school. I don't have a teen so these are just things I have personally thought over if we got to that decision.

[Garga]

You must keep us updated you know :) !

[kaymom]

You totally did the right thing! You are leaving this in God's hands and He is going to lead this wherever He wants it to go. It's amazing what God teaches us through our children and thank you for sharing!

[Erin]

The peace that passes understanding is usually a sign of a good choice. :)

[BrettW]

Cakemom,

 

I really admire your bravery in speaking to your daughter about this situation and airing all of these feelings. It must feel like a great relief. I, too, would be hoping that she would choose to hs. I feel certain that if I left it up to my daughter she would probably choose to try school. While I would be disappointed, I don't know that it would be a bad decision. She may very well thrive in a school environment. It is a challenge to hs under the best of circumstances. To homeschool a resistant child is so much more difficult.

 

Please continue to post and update us on what your family decides... :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

The other night ds13 told me he wishes I had put him in school earlier because what if dh dies and I have to go to work and put him in school now and kids will make fun of him.

 

Ok, so first dh is no where near dying and 2 even if he does die I won't be putting ds in school.

 

Kids are funny.

[swellmomma]

My kids claimed they hated it for years until they started hearing what was happening in the classrooms at their current grades (they went to ps in the very beginning but those years were still fun enough to miss it I guess). Anyway, my oldest still says he hates it but he would hate ps more he says. DD13 says she likes it but will never hs her own kids if she ever has any, which she says she never will. The youngest have not hit this stage yet, in fact ds9 says he will homeschool through college and never move out. Anyway, I found that by simply not engaging with them when they griped about it, but pointing out the benefits when they were happening really helped. Such as sleeping in, or when we drove by the junior high kids all in orange vests cleaning up garbage up and down town streets while we were leaving for a field trip (we joked about school preparing them all for a chain gang), or the fact that ds14 can work during the day, which is the only reason he got the job in the first place, or that dd can have such an intense dance schedule without burning out thanks to being homeschooled etc. They started to really come around and see that while they may miss out on what they thought the social situation of school might be like, in the end they got the better end of the stick. Especially when the few friends they have pointed out how jealous they were of my kids, and how boring school was, or that they couldn't hang out because they had too much homework etc.

[cakemom]

I don't want to get overly excited here yet but my daughter came to me last night and said that she has not made her final decision but that even though she thinks school might be fun, now that SHE has the choice, things don't seem as great as when she did not have the choice. She said there seems to be more cons of going to school than pros. She said to her, because we have been homeschooling for so long, it would be like her moving to Tailand and living a whole different kind of life.

 

One thing that I kind of did not like was that she went and instagramed and tweeted to all of her friends and some family members (those family members have always been negative against homeschooling) about her choice. I don't know what most of those people said to her in response but I do know that a couple of the family members chimed in and said they would go to school if it were their choice. When dd came to me and told me this, I said........you know what, those people do not know what God's plan is for your life. Some of them don't even know what they want in their own lives. You have to pray about what God wants YOU to do, not what others want you to do. So far, even with the comments from others, she was leaning towards staying home.

 

I would love to shout from the mountain tops for joy but I just can't until she has made her final decision. And today of all things, we are going to a wedding shower where there will be all kinds of family there who never supported homeschooling and who I am sure would tell her all kinds of great and wonderful things about why she should just go to school. Again, I have to have faith and leave it up to God because He is bigger than all of those peoples opinions put together.

 

One of the things I have noticed also is that every time she comes to me and tells me something about this situation, I think she is looking for a reaction from me. Something to give her fight against me. Each time, I simply listen and say a few words but no lecture, no negative comments, I just keep enforcing that it is her decision.

 

Well, we will see what today will bring!

[Pawz4me]

now that SHE has the choice, things don't seem as great as when she did not have the choice

 

Truly, that's basic human nature, isn't it? We're ALL like that. And I think it certainly doesn't start during the teenage years, although it does intensify (sometimes greatly). It's the main reason we've always let our kids know. even when they were young, that the choice was at least somewhat in their control. Feeling even a little in control usually does a lot to open ones mind to the big picture.

 

Good luck!

[Crimson Wife]

FWIW, I know a *TON* of folks who did a trial of school at their child's request but the trial lasted a semester or less.

[albeto]

When I told her all of this today, I sobbed! and she cried also. She apologized for making me feel badly and said that whatever she chose, she has so appreciated everything I have ever done for her. She knows I love homeschooling and have put a lot of time and effort into already planning out her first year of high school.

 

If you haven't already, you might consider apologizing to your daughter for this. From her point of view, this would be a very difficult burden for a young adult to carry.