anyone else hate their dh's job?

[momtoamiracle]

dh began this job in January. I was against it and I told him I would not be happy with this lifestyle. He took it anyway.

 

 

He travels a lot, several times a month, leaving us at home alone. Other times he wants us to go with him. WHich means either pulling the travel trailer, whereas I am all day in a small space with a young child and a dog, knowing no one, and no where to go. Or in a hotel room, again alone with a small child, no where to go, eating out at restaraunts daily, etc. Another option is staying with my SIL while he goes off to another state. Very Small house, one bathroom, SIL;s dog, SIL has anxiety issues so any messes drives her a bit crazy. I leave DS's toys out because he plays with them all the time. Makes me nervous to have someone else nervous over my son's activities. He's not bad, but she's childless.

 

 

 

I can't stand it. Any of it. I Like to be home. I like my own house, my own bed, my own bathroom. I have my own routine and I don't like to vary from it.

 

 

I'm so very angry my dh did this to us. He disregards my feelings totally and tells me that me being mad at him burdens him down so I need to not be mad when he goes out of town.

 

How am I supposed to deal with this total upheaval of my life and what I value?

[regentrude]

I'm so very angry my dh did this to us. He disregards my feelings totally and tells me that me being mad at him burdens him down so I need to not be mad when he goes out of town.

 

Would he have had an alternative job opportunity that did not involve all this travel?

Or is he simply doing the best he can to provide for his family?

In this economy, many can not be picky.

 

We had to move to a different continent for DH's job.

[Spryte]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. My DH travels a lot, and it can be a hard adjustment. We miss him when he's gone.

 

Is there a good pay off for the travel? A good salary? Good benefits? Is this a spring board for your DH, something that will help him move up in his career? I look at all of those issues, and I *know* that DH's travel is good for all of us, so that helps.

 

If I were you, I'd opt not to go to SIL's house - that sounds stressful. I don't often travel with DH, for the reasons you mentioned - it's really not all that fun, unless I feel like herding the kids to do sightseeing during the day. Sometimes, depending on where DH is traveling, I'll do that, and we'll combine trips with a weekend getaway. That can be fun. But if it's stressful - skip it.

 

Can you stay home? With your own routine?

[momtoamiracle]

Thank you.

 

He had a job for six years where he was home every night. Said he didn't like it.

had good pay and superb insurance. He left it for this job. Lousy insurance, bad management.

 

I don't mind the two or even three night trips. But the ones where he's gone 7 - 12 days is really hard on our family.

 

 

Doesn't help he is on salary and works seven days a week. Our life is never free from this job. Ever. We've been down this road before and he swore he would never do this to us again. Our life is totally up in the air at all times so I constantly on edge. I would be on medication if I could tolerate it, but I can't.

 

I feel very stuck. I can't rely on my life from day to day.

[momtoamiracle]

They told him he would get good pay eventually. Right now I'd say he's making less than $15 an hour, since he works seven days a week, on call 24 hrs per day.

 

Oh he doesn't get any vacation either. They told him he could take a day off sometimes but that's not really true. He has two phones he is constantly on, either with phone calls or emails.

[momtoamiracle]

I stay home most of the time, but it means a great deal of time away from dh. It's really harmful to our son.

[regentrude]

We have done many years of long distance relationship, but this really sounds unpleasant . Why did he take this job?

[jillian]

DH hates his job. He's angry that some of the things he was looking forward to for benefits haven't panned out (i.e. Tuition Assistance). We are really struggling inter-personally right now. We have spent a lot of our marriage apart because of underways and all of that dd assumes part of life is this and it's sad but it is what it is.

 

Eta: we had a huge fight today....a huge one over the hours he's working, it's not really his choice either, he can't help the fact that he works as much as he does, because he has to. There is no "finding another job" until his contract is done. It's stressful and tiring and we really dislike all of it as a whole but like others said below me routine is key. Now that he doesn't go out to sea anymore it's easier in some ways and harder in others. When he is home now he wants to just chill and rest on the couch and not go run around with us. Unfortunately I need that sometimes so I don't feel like just the crazy woman who has a "husband" that no one ever sees.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm struggling with hubby's job because he is working too much, IMO.

[briansmama]

If your Dh actually likes this job and is less stressed or if the job makes up for the constant travel I'd try to find the silver lining. Your ds is getting older and pretty soon things get much easier. I actually love my time with my oldest, when it's just the two of us.

 

Also, can you look at those trips with hotel rooms as adventures? I'd be thrilled to expose my dc to different cuisines, zoos. Aquariums, resources, people, state parks, etc.

 

What I didn't understand from your posts is why you'd have to stay with SIL when Dh travels? Personally, that would be a no go for me. Maybe just decide what you are willing and unwilling to do in this situation. Hotels, yes. Stay home, yes (and make it special by treating yourself and ds to a fun outing just the two of you while Dh is away). Stay with SIL? Heck no (at least for me). RV travel along? Maybe, in the warmer months. I am actually inspired by families who RV travel together. Yes, it's tight quarters, but what a great way to connect and stay close as a family, and visit different areas.

[momtoamiracle]

God only knows why he took this job. He says he likes it, despite the stress of it. I don't think he will admit anything tho. He says he doesn't like to be away from us. He somehow thought he would have a lot of free time since when he's not gone he works from home. Well at home he has zero free time. I TOLD him it would be like that. He's working for his BIL, he begged him to work for him. My BIL runs himself ragged with this job. My SIL is very unhappy with it. I don't see why dh thought it would be different for us. I don't know if he wants to look for a new job. I don't think there is anything really available around

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

I hate what my dh knows....it isn't necessarily his job right now though. He has worked in the auto industry for over 25 years, in sales and finance. The uncertainty of commission sales sucks. Being a Christian in a not so Christian environment sucks. He is seriously considering going back to school for something else, and I pray that it works out.

[momtoamiracle]

Warmer weather isn't so bad. It's right now he wants us to go with him to Wisconsin. I live in Louisiana. I despise cold weather. Right now it is 60 degrees and I am miserable.

 

 

 

Staying with SIL. This is the scenario, we did this in January. Dh's job is based in Iowa. My SIL lives there. We would ride up there with him, he'd leave us there while he does a multi state run to different spots he needs to go. He might go to three states in four days. Hard on us to be skipping about like that. Then he'd come back though to pick us up and go home. The theory is that he's less days away from us, cause we are riding with him e four days of travel to get up there and back.

 

 

If we go with him in RV and hotels I have no vehicle to go anywhere. Dh usually leaves at six and mostly comes home around dark. No time to really do anything. Our sole purpose would be to spend the evening with dh. He doesn't always make it back for supper so i have to make sure I have some kind of food in the hotel room.

 

 

My boy is a realy good child. He gives me no trouble, but he is very active....

[momtoamiracle]

Thank you for reading and replying. I know I am whining. I am grateful he has a job. It's just the lack of routine is driving me nuts. I'd like a week where we can plan on dh being home. A week where everything is not totally upended. I'm not a person that can live with that sort of uncertainty.....I just never know when things are going to change. This Wisconsin trip was sprung on me this morning. We would have to leave in less than two days. Probably means missing a party for DS tomorrow and definetly the dentis on Monday. chiropractor visit next week, and AF to arrive on top of it all. Clothes to wash, house to clean, see if my mom will keep one of the dogs on such short notice....

 

 

Dh just does not realize how hard all of this is on me, being such a homebody and needing at least two week notice for any major trip like this....

[butterflymommy]

My DH travels a lot too. He is gone more than he's here. I would not recommend traveling with him if you're trapped alone in a hotel with your child. It also doesn't sound like SIL's house is a good place for you. If you like being home, stay home.

 

It used to bother me a lot but I'm used to it by now. I just keep myself busy and found my own hobbies and interests. I know that may not be great advice, but it's how I get by. Feel free to PM me!

[elfgivas]

hugs. it sounds hard. if it were me, i would work really hard at reframing it.

 

my dh travels a ton. (about 50% of the time). one of the reasons we homeschool is so that we can go with him sometimes.

he has no free time wherever we are, but we do. we take school books and do school. we have outings, visiting places we can walk to, or take public transportation to. we have seen some amazing things.

 

while i have moments of feeling sorry for myself trying to cook a balanced diet in a hotel microwave, mostly we have a glorious time.

 

this is mostly because i decided to define "home" as wherever dh is, not as a physical place. so i am home when we are together. (together being in the same city, and seeing each other occasionally ;). would something like that work for you? i do have to remind myself of this by times..... but it beats being miserable. for us, the job is unlikely to change.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

eta: i just read your last reply. we manage to do things spontaneously because i spent a Really Long Time coming up with a system that works. we have a kennel i can call and just drop the dog at at a moment's notice. that took a while to find. we have neighbours who will come in and feed the chickens. we also have huge feeders, and automatic waterers so they can be left for a few days on their own. we have bins of camping clothes, so i can just open bins and toss them into a duffle and be good to go within an hour. and i taught the dc how to pack in about 20 minutes. now all i need to say is "five days, warm days, cold nights and a swimming pool" and let them at it. before that, when all four were at home, i'd get out four small bags, and stand in the living room with them, saying, "okay, five pair of undies and five socks" and they'd all scurry off to get those things. then we'd move on to other clothes, etc. i reschedule appts from the front seat of the car as we leave town if we are leaving the same day i find out. otherwise, as soon as dh says, "do you want to come?" i sit down and spend between 5 and 30 minutes calling folks and rescheduling right then, so it isn't hanging over me. really, i think if you can get your poor battered head and heart to the place where you want to do this, then you'll be able to manage it. otherwise, having an "at home while dh travels" schedule may be the way for you to got.

[Guest jumpinjen]

I find my husband's job hard as he works nights every weekend, and so is asleep or working from Friday morning to Monday afternoon and I am flying solo for that period. It is stressful sometimes trying to keep the three of them quiet in the tiny house we live in! Does your husband crave the adrenaline rush from working in an uncertain environment? Do the constand calls make him feel valued and important? Could you build more of a network of activities, friends and support for when he is out of town and build in some nice things for you to enjoy? It seems sad that you spend time when he is home arguing - can you sit down together over a nice dinner at home and talk it through - really listen to him and calmy put your side and ask him to meet you in the middle - an hour a night without the phone on for starters? It always seems to me when my husband and I hit a rough patch that the alternative to working it out is becoming embittered and breaking apart and that to me is the worse case scenario - however angry you feel, one of you has to make the first move to working it out and coming to a middle ground..... could he sacrifice something to reduce the monthly bills and make you feel more secure with fewer payments going out? I really hope you can find a way to talk it through and find some peace again..... hugs, Jenni

[momtoamiracle]

Thanks butterfly mommy. How do your kids manage? My boy cries for his daddy to come home. I find that really hard to deal with. He just doesn't get why all of a sudden his daddy is gone for days at a time. My neighbor works offshore and is gone for a month at a time, but it's been that way since the kids were born. It's been their whole life.

 

We have plans to sell our house and put a home on my parents property so when he's gone it's easier on us. My son is close to my parents and it would help fill the void. Problem is our house isn't finished and needs work to get it ready to sell, and dh has no time to finish it. Was supposed to take all last week and do it, but guess what, he had to go to Dallas instead.

 

The frustration just mounts because I see no way out and nothing to help.

[Guest jumpinjen]

Could another compromise be a hire car for you when you are in the hotel/RV or a pot of money for taxis so you can get out?? I wouldn't stay with my SIL either but then she hasn't spoken to me since I broke the family mould and had a third baby lol

[Momof3littles]

I hate the travel. In two seasons of the year, there is more travel. Over the course of the year it is under 15%, but during the 2 seasons with more travel, it feels like more as it is condensed into those months.

 

I dislike the healthcare situation. FWIW, this is a small business and it was expensive to add us on years prior to Obamacare. Right now we pay out of pocket for our own private high deductible policy, as adding us on as a family to the work plan is like 12K a year. There is a lot of upheaval right now about how the exchanges will work for small businesses, whether private plans will keep offering high deductible/HSA plans, etc. so healthcare issues stress me out. We used to have a pretty sweet plan at a previous employer, but over the last 5-7 years their employee contributions have grown to the point that returning to that employer wouldn't save us that much money over our private plan.

 

Otherwise, we love his job. He's happy there, he finds the work pretty satisfying, he's been noticed and rewarded for his efforts, and has a lot of flexibility and PTO.

[momtoamiracle]

Thanks Ann and Jenni

 

Reducing bills - that would be my thought but he just bought a brand new vehicle. Don't get me started on that! My dh has some issues. Real issues. He was on medication for years but got off of it. Jenni I believe you touched on some things why he likes this.

 

I would love some alone time but he doesn't seem interested. He feels like he needs to put everything into the job. I feel like I've talked til I'm blue in the face but really, dh does what he wants, when he wants to, and I'm expected to cheerfully go along with it....

 

 

Where he has to go generally are these little towns in the middle of nowhere. He often has to work miles from where we stay. So unless we can travel, there's nowhere to even walk to...

[Mama Geek]

My dh travels from job to job, but usually is in the same place for months at a time. We go with him. I have a 2 year old and a dog and we usually take a car for me. Us being together is more important than us being at "home". We have a really nice home that we have spent 3 weeks at in the last year. We have no insurance, the pay is really good and he can take time off in between jobs. The last place we were we stayed in a hotel for 8 months. This time we knew it would be at least 6 months so we were able to find a place to rent. He wouldn't be doing this type of work if the payoff wasn't huge.

 

With a car we find things to do, parks, Kindermusic, walking, festivals, etc. If we thought we would stay in a warm climate we would by a camper in a heart beat and travel that way, but he could easily end up in the north for a winter and the camper just wouldn't be suitable. Some times it is challenging, but we value the time that we have together and he loves being with me and dd every night.

[momtoamiracle]

My dh travels from job to job, but usually is in the same place for months at a time. We go with him. I have a 2 year old and a dog and we usually take a car for me. Us being together is more important than us being at "home". We have a really nice home that we have spent 3 weeks at in the last year. We have no insurance, the pay is really good and he can take time off in between jobs. The last place we were we stayed in a hotel for 8 months. This time we knew it would be at least 6 months so we were able to find a place to rent. He wouldn't be doing this type of work if the payoff wasn't huge.

 

With a car we find things to do, parks, Kindermusic, walking, festivals, etc. If we thought we would stay in a warm climate we would by a camper in a heart beat and travel that way, but he could easily end up in the north for a winter and the camper just wouldn't be suitable. Some times it is challenging, but we value the time that we have together and he loves being with me and dd every night.

 

 

 

 

I probably would be more amenable if the pay was good. If he was actually paid for his time. if he had good vacation plan. We've actually gone into debt with this job because he incurs expenses that they may or may not reimburse him for. It can take months for reimbursement.

 

As much as I hate it, I'll probably go with him this time. I'm going to see if he can leave a day later to give me more time. DS is begging to go. He cannot stand being left by his daddy.

 

 

Campers in winter are awful. We did it one winter and that is why I know it to be miserable.

[Anne in CA]

Honestly, if your dh really does not care about your opinion and you are miserable in this lifestyle you should be getting good counseling to decide how to handle this. A lifestyle where you are going into debt to be miserable and your dh won't talk to you is not acceptable, and if your dh does not think you are that important, you need to think you are that important for yourself.

[Dandelion]

It's just the lack of routine is driving me nuts. I'd like a week where we can plan on dh being home. A week where everything is not totally upended. I'm not a person that can live with that sort of uncertainty.....I just never know when things are going to change. This Wisconsin trip was sprung on me this morning. We would have to leave in less than two days. Probably means missing a party for DS tomorrow and definetly the dentis on Monday. chiropractor visit next week, and AF to arrive on top of it all. Clothes to wash, house to clean, see if my mom will keep one of the dogs on such short notice....

 

 

Dh just does not realize how hard all of this is on me, being such a homebody and needing at least two week notice for any major trip like this....

 

That sounds like a lot of upheaval. You say your DH doesn't realize how difficult this is for you. Have you shared all of these disruptions and appointments (and the fact that you have to cancel and reschedule) with him? If not, can you do so in a very *matter of fact* way? With my DH, I've noticed that if I can keep my emotions out of things like this, and just share the facts (e.g. "The lack of notice about this trip is causing me XYZ problems") it goes over much better and he's more likely to listen and change his approach the next time.

 

My boy cries for his daddy to come home.

 

Does your DH know this? Does he realize the extent of the impact on your son?

 

I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. I hear your frustration and hurt. :grouphug: My DH travels a bit for work, but not excessively. However, he was deployed to the Middle East for a year when DS was 4 and DD was born, so I get how tough extended absences can be on both the spouse and kids.

 

If you haven't clearly communicated your specific issues to your DH, then I'd start there. He needs to clearly understand what you have a problem with. You mentioned that he knows you're angry - but he may not *get* specifically what you're angry about. I think that sometimes, when a wife is really emotional or upset about something, all the guy walks away with is "she's ticked at me" - and his comprehension stops there. I would first make sure that he has a clear picture of what specifically you would like to see change.

 

If you think he does clearly understand your concerns, and he simply doesn't care, then there's a much bigger issue here than his current job situation. If that's the case, I would focus on addressing the bigger relationship issue(s) at hand.

 

Finally, you need your DH's cooperation to change the job situation. You don't need your DH's cooperation to address your need for routine and stability.

 

You can decide for yourself how much you are willing to travel each month and stick to that. Yes, it will be tough for everyone involved (especially your DS). But kids benefit from routine too. There is no reason you can't decide - and communicate clearly to your DH - that you will only travel for one week each month (for example). The rest of the time, you can schedule appointments, lots of fun activities for you and DS, and some fun activities just for you as well (coffee with friends, etc. - whatever helps you enjoy life and relieve stress). Usually, when you feel more in control of your life and your schedule, some of that resentment against your spouse goes away. Constantly being at the mercy of your DH's work schedule is a sure-fire way to continue building resentment. This is something you have the power to address, and it will benefit your whole family if you do. In terms of a practical solution, hanging up a family calendar in a prominent place and training your DH to write his trips/other work commitments on that calendar as soon as he learns of them goes a long way too (I speak from experience ;) ).

 

One last thought. While it's wonderful that you're making such an effort to join your DH everywhere he goes, doing so may be reducing his sense of urgency to find a different job that's better for the family. Staying home more, and prioritizing your needs from time to time, may be just what's needed to help him realize that this isn't working.

 

More :grouphug: to you.

[TechWife]

How do your kids manage? My boy cries for his daddy to come home. I find that really hard to deal with. He just doesn't get why all of a sudden his daddy is gone for days at a time. My neighbor works offshore and is gone for a month at a time, but it's been that way since the kids were born. It's been their whole life.

 

 

My husband has always traveled with his job, sometimes more frequently than others. Right now he travels pretty frequently and has done so for at least a couple of years. My son was 8 weeks old the first time we traveled with him!

 

I found that my son reacts to the travel the same way that I do. I must set the tone in our home while my husband is away - if I have a positive attitude than my son has a positive attitude. When my son was younger & I was having a hard day for any reason, i would do my best not to let him see how wearing it was on me because he would then feed off of my emotions and develop the same attitude (whatever that attitude was at the time). Now that he's older, he has a bit more understanding that adults have bad days, too, so I am more transparent, but at younger ages, he simply wasn't mature enough to handle that transparency.

 

It doesn't sound likely that your husband is going to change his job anytime soon, so I recommend that you become pro-active at making your family life better. Sit down with your husband and talk about ways to accomplish this. This doesn't mean talking about how you dislike him traveling or how you dislike traveling yourself, it means looking for ways you can make life smoother for all of you.

 

Consider such things as:

How frequently you can travel with your husband. One trip per month? Two trips per month?

 

How much time you need to spend at home between trips? One week between trips? Two? Three?

 

How long of a trip are you willing to take at any one time? Five days? Ten? Fifteen?

 

What type of routine can you develop to help your son? Consistent routines and consistent bedtimes help no matter where you are. If bedtime is 8 pm in Louisianna, then when you are in Georgia, bedtime is 7 pm (take the time difference into account unless it is more than two hours or unless you're going to be gone from home more than five days).

 

How much notice do you need to get ready for him to go on a trip when you are staying home? What about when you are traveling with him?

 

What can you do to make getting ready for a trip easier? A duplicate set of clothing so that when you get home, you wash them and pack them again right away so things are easier; a duplicate set of school books?

 

Do you need to change the way you are home schooling in order to have it fit into your lifestyle?

 

When he is out of town, do you keep a consistent routine? If 8 pm is bedtime when Dad is out of town, it's bedtime when Dad is in town. Routine will help both you and your son. It will also help your husband slip into the family routine as well.

 

Occasionally doing something special when your husband is out of town is good, but don't do it so often that the "exception" becomes the "expected." If your husband travels a lot, than your son will learn to accept it for what it is.

 

When you are in a hotel, you can schedule what time your room is serviced. If you know you are going to go down to the continental breakfast at 8:30 am (because that is your routine), then when you check in, explain that due to your son's needs, you need to have your room cleaned at 8:30 am. Most hotels will do their best to accommodate you.

 

Make taking a walk a routine - whether at home or in a different city. It's a great change of pace.

 

Learn how to use public transportation if you don't already. Reading bus & train schedules, how to book a taxi, how to hail a taxi, etc.. Then, when you are in a town that has public transport, ask the front desk where the nearest stop or station is and how you get tickets in that particular city. Then, the whole city is your oyster! Even in smaller towns there are interesting things to see, playgrounds and parks to visit.

[Julie in CA]

My husband has always traveled with his job, sometimes more frequently than others. Right now he travels pretty frequently and has done so for at least a couple of years. My son was 8 weeks old the first time we traveled with him!

 

I found that my son reacts to the travel the same way that I do. I must set the tone in our home while my husband is away - if I have a positive attitude than my son has a positive attitude. When my son was younger & I was having a hard day for any reason, i would do my best not to let him see how wearing it was on me because he would then feed off of my emotions and develop the same attitude (whatever that attitude was at the time). Now that he's older, he has a bit more understanding that adults have bad days, too, so I am more transparent, but at younger ages, he simply wasn't mature enough to handle that transparency.

 

It doesn't sound likely that your husband is going to change his job anytime soon, so I recommend that you become pro-active at making your family life better. Sit down with your husband and talk about ways to accomplish this. This doesn't mean talking about how you dislike him traveling or how you dislike traveling yourself, it means looking for ways you can make life smoother for all of you.

 

Consider such things as:

How frequently you can travel with your husband. One trip per month? Two trips per month?

 

How much time you need to spend at home between trips? One week between trips? Two? Three?

 

How long of a trip are you willing to take at any one time? Five days? Ten? Fifteen?

 

What type of routine can you develop to help your son? Consistent routines and consistent bedtimes help no matter where you are. If bedtime is 8 pm in Louisianna, then when you are in Georgia, bedtime is 7 pm (take the time difference into account unless it is more than two hours or unless you're going to be gone from home more than five days).

 

How much notice do you need to get ready for him to go on a trip when you are staying home? What about when you are traveling with him?

 

What can you do to make getting ready for a trip easier? A duplicate set of clothing so that when you get home, you wash them and pack them again right away so things are easier; a duplicate set of school books?

 

Do you need to change the way you are home schooling in order to have it fit into your lifestyle?

 

When he is out of town, do you keep a consistent routine? If 8 pm is bedtime when Dad is out of town, it's bedtime when Dad is in town. Routine will help both you and your son. It will also help your husband slip into the family routine as well.

 

Occasionally doing something special when your husband is out of town is good, but don't do it so often that the "exception" becomes the "expected." If your husband travels a lot, than your son will learn to accept it for what it is.

 

When you are in a hotel, you can schedule what time your room is serviced. If you know you are going to go down to the continental breakfast at 8:30 am (because that is your routine), then when you check in, explain that due to your son's needs, you need to have your room cleaned at 8:30 am. Most hotels will do their best to accommodate you.

 

Make taking a walk a routine - whether at home or in a different city. It's a great change of pace.

 

Learn how to use public transportation if you don't already. Reading bus & train schedules, how to book a taxi, how to hail a taxi, etc.. Then, when you are in a town that has public transport, ask the front desk where the nearest stop or station is and how you get tickets in that particular city. Then, the whole city is your oyster! Even in smaller towns there are interesting things to see, playgrounds and parks to visit.

Can I like this twice?

Attitude is either going to make this an adventurous and growth-oriented time of life, or it will turn it into a disaster.

[Gentlemommy]

My dh has a job that has him traveling quite a bit as well. Here for a day or three, gone for five to ten days. The in and out of town is very hard. I used to hate it, and it really caused a lot of discord, but it doesn't bother me much anymore. I guess I realized that this is his love, anything else would leave him miserable. I also learned how to do things on my own, having a plan leaves me feeling more in control. I don't rely on him for any thing. That part is hard, as I can never really plan a doctor appointment or hair cut for myself...well, I can, but I have to take the kids. ;-) Now, the house is much cleaner, the schooling goes more smoothly, our days just run better when he is gone. Sad, but true. I also realized I have a ton of freedom. I make virtually all the decisions regarding our children, their education, the children we foster, the things I want to do. Since he isn't home, he doesnt really get a say lol. I've learned that I work best in the midst of chaos and stress, so oftentimes we have one or more extra children here when he is gone. I'm weird that way. We did go to counseling a few years ago, and it helped. Just hashing out the differences in how we show we love each other was eye opening. We both make an effort to reconnect after he's been gone, but that's hard. Usually we are both completely exhausted (him from traveling and me from holding down the fort alone) and sleep and rest is our first priority. Then the kids get time with him. He will take them out for something fun, and I get a break. Then, we may go on a date. Seem times we can't, because he has to leave again. It's ok, it's a season.

[Gentlemommy]

I love TechWife's post. Those things are all wonderful advice. When MY attitude changed it became easier. Also, having consistency helped a ton.

[Leav97]

Honestly if you hate the travel and are spending all of your time stuck in a hotel, stay home. Find a rhythm at home. Make friends. Schedule regular activities. Spend time with DH when he is home.

 

When/If he starts to miss you ask that he spend one morning of every week without his phone. Agree to travel if it is somewhere interesting and you can have a car.

[jillian]

 

My husband has always traveled with his job, sometimes more frequently than others. Right now he travels pretty frequently and has done so for at least a couple of years. My son was 8 weeks old the first time we traveled with him!

 

I found that my son reacts to the travel the same way that I do. I must set the tone in our home while my husband is away - if I have a positive attitude than my son has a positive attitude. When my son was younger & I was having a hard day for any reason, i would do my best not to let him see how wearing it was on me because he would then feed off of my emotions and develop the same attitude (whatever that attitude was at the time). Now that he's older, he has a bit more understanding that adults have bad days, too, so I am more transparent, but at younger ages, he simply wasn't mature enough to handle that transparency.

 

It doesn't sound likely that your husband is going to change his job anytime soon, so I recommend that you become pro-active at making your family life better. Sit down with your husband and talk about ways to accomplish this. This doesn't mean talking about how you dislike him traveling or how you dislike traveling yourself, it means looking for ways you can make life smoother for all of you.

 

Consider such things as:

How frequently you can travel with your husband. One trip per month? Two trips per month?

 

How much time you need to spend at home between trips? One week between trips? Two? Three?

 

How long of a trip are you willing to take at any one time? Five days? Ten? Fifteen?

 

What type of routine can you develop to help your son? Consistent routines and consistent bedtimes help no matter where you are. If bedtime is 8 pm in Louisianna, then when you are in Georgia, bedtime is 7 pm (take the time difference into account unless it is more than two hours or unless you're going to be gone from home more than five days).

 

How much notice do you need to get ready for him to go on a trip when you are staying home? What about when you are traveling with him?

 

What can you do to make getting ready for a trip easier? A duplicate set of clothing so that when you get home, you wash them and pack them again right away so things are easier; a duplicate set of school books?

 

Do you need to change the way you are home schooling in order to have it fit into your lifestyle?

 

When he is out of town, do you keep a consistent routine? If 8 pm is bedtime when Dad is out of town, it's bedtime when Dad is in town. Routine will help both you and your son. It will also help your husband slip into the family routine as well.

 

Occasionally doing something special when your husband is out of town is good, but don't do it so often that the "exception" becomes the "expected." If your husband travels a lot, than your son will learn to accept it for what it is.

 

When you are in a hotel, you can schedule what time your room is serviced. If you know you are going to go down to the continental breakfast at 8:30 am (because that is your routine), then when you check in, explain that due to your son's needs, you need to have your room cleaned at 8:30 am. Most hotels will do their best to accommodate you.

 

Make taking a walk a routine - whether at home or in a different city. It's a great change of pace.

 

Learn how to use public transportation if you don't already. Reading bus & train schedules, how to book a taxi, how to hail a taxi, etc.. Then, when you are in a town that has public transport, ask the front desk where the nearest stop or station is and how you get tickets in that particular city. Then, the whole city is your oyster! Even in smaller towns there are interesting things to see, playgrounds and parks to visit.

 

I love this!!! This is the only way we got through my husband being out to sea sometimes for lengths that were "undetermined" until they were gone already.

[momtoamiracle]

Seriously all of your posts are making me cry. To reach out to a stranger and offer such awesome advice means a lot to me. I'm going to carefully read over the replies and see what I can do to implement them.

 

 

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Melissa in Australia]

 

My husband has always traveled with his job, sometimes more frequently than others. Right now he travels pretty frequently and has done so for at least a couple of years. My son was 8 weeks old the first time we traveled with him!

 

I found that my son reacts to the travel the same way that I do. I must set the tone in our home while my husband is away - if I have a positive attitude than my son has a positive attitude. When my son was younger & I was having a hard day for any reason, i would do my best not to let him see how wearing it was on me because he would then feed off of my emotions and develop the same attitude (whatever that attitude was at the time). Now that he's older, he has a bit more understanding that adults have bad days, too, so I am more transparent, but at younger ages, he simply wasn't mature enough to handle that transparency.

 

It doesn't sound likely that your husband is going to change his job anytime soon, so I recommend that you become pro-active at making your family life better. Sit down with your husband and talk about ways to accomplish this. This doesn't mean talking about how you dislike him traveling or how you dislike traveling yourself, it means looking for ways you can make life smoother for all of you.

 

.

 

 

I Have learned this hard fact over the years. My children's attitude is a reflection of my own. for things to work well I need to be positive and happy ( or show an outward appearance of this)

[MedicMom]

I found the book "Married Mom, Solo Parent" to be awesome. I can't remember the author but it is availablr on amazon. My husband doesnt travel, but he works 72-100 hour weeks and when he comes home is so exhausted from a 24 hour shift that he just sleeps. Bills have to be paid and it is what it is. I work full time too and we just make do. I do what needs to be done at the house. I make the decisions regarding the kids and either hire babysitters or take them with me. It has always been this way, and we can visit him at work for a few minutes, so my kids don't seem to miss daddy at all.

[briansmama]

Thanks Ann and Jenni

 

Reducing bills - that would be my thought but he just bought a brand new vehicle. Don't get me started on that! My dh has some issues. Real issues. He was on medication for years but got off of it. Jenni I believe you touched on some things why he likes this.

 

I would love some alone time but he doesn't seem interested. He feels like he needs to put everything into the job. I feel like I've talked til I'm blue in the face but really, dh does what he wants, when he wants to, and I'm expected to cheerfully go along with it....

 

 

Where he has to go generally are these little towns in the middle of nowhere. He often has to work miles from where we stay. So unless we can travel, there's nowhere to even walk to...

 

Ah, ok. I too would have a very tough time with all of this. Here's what I would do:

 

I would not cheerfully go along with traveling with Dh to the middle of nowhere and being stranded in a small room or RV. I'd stay home.

 

When Dh is home, I'd let ds take off lessons completely and spend time with Dh. Dh would know that is the expected plan- when he's home, he sill be spending time with ds.

 

As for you- keep as solid a routine for yourself and ds as possible, regarding regular bedtimes, regular mealtimes, and some sort of community, maybe a regular park day outing with the homeschool group. Something to give him security and comfort that he can rely on and will need when Dh travels again.

 

Every single time Dh leaves have a special ritual for you and ds that you do together- go out for ice cream, hot chocolate, whatever the first evening Dh is gone.

 

I would also try to find something that is all your own and do whatever needs to be done to make sure you can do it- a hobby, exercise, meet a friend for coffee, whatever you can to keep your spirits up and stay positive. This sends a message to your Dh that you have a life and he can't expect you to cheerfully go along with whatever he wants you to do. You can support him and you can minimize tension and be happy to see him and love him, but you are your own person with your own life.

[Lolly]

I stay home most of the time, but it means a great deal of time away from dh. It's really harmful to our son.

 

 

Harmful to your son?

 

Why? I grew up with a father who was away working most of the time. Someone in a psychology field once asked me about how it harmed me (just at a random gathering talking). They were shocked when I was taken aback by the question. I do not in any way feel harmed. It did get me to thinking about why that was. The answer, in my opinion, is because of my mother's attitude. Children tend to mirror what they see around them. My mother didn't make a big deal over my father being gone. He was simply at work. She kept everything at home running and "normal". (Normal is different for every family. You cannot look outside your own walls to find it.) She put forth a stable happy attitude that spilled over into the whole family. She made the most of the time we did have with him. Her attitude kept all of us children from feeling like we lacked anything. In fact,I feel like not having a father home daily probably made us stronger and more independent. (Not that there is anything wrong with a father being in the home...)

 

Since this is the life you have, you have to decide how to make it the best you can. Start by deciding how you want to live it. If you want to stay home, stay home. Let him come to you when he can. If you want to follow him and travel, do it. Try to make the most of either situation. When staying home, keep your attitude positive. Your son will mirror it. If you travel, try to get out more and see what is in the wonderful places you are instead of staying in the trailer or hotel room. Realize that your son is not being harmed in any way by his father's job. Sometimes parents have to be away from their children, especially for work. Missing someone who leaves for a while is not harmful.

[Julie in CA]

Harmful to your son?

 

Why? I grew up with a father who was away working most of the time. Someone in a psychology field once asked me about how it harmed me (just at a random gathering talking). They were shocked when I was taken aback by the question. I do not in any way feel harmed. It did get me to thinking about why that was. The answer, in my opinion, is because of my mother's attitude. Children tend to mirror what they see around them. My mother didn't make a big deal over my father being gone. He was simply at work. She kept everything at home running and "normal". (Normal is different for every family. You cannot look outside your own walls to find it.) She put forth a stable happy attitude that spilled over into the whole family. She made the most of the time we did have with him. Her attitude kept all of us children from feeling like we lacked anything. In fact,I feel like not having a father home daily probably made us stronger and more independent. (Not that there is anything wrong with a father being in the home...)

 

Since this is the life you have, you have to decide how to make it the best you can. Start by deciding how you want to live it. If you want to stay home, stay home. Let him come to you when he can. If you want to follow him and travel, do it. Try to make the most of either situation. When staying home, keep your attitude positive. Your son will mirror it. If you travel, try to get out more and see what is in the wonderful places you are instead of staying in the trailer or hotel room. Realize that your son is not being harmed in any way by his father's job. Sometimes parents have to be away from their children, especially for work. Missing someone who leaves for a while is not harmful.

 

I love this! Too bad I can't "like" it twice. :thumbup:

[RoundAbout]

Military spouse here who has coped with 5 deployments in the last 6 years.

 

I don't think time apart from dad is necessarily damaging, and I do agree that kids mirror our moods - a lot. However, from experience I would say that being gone 3-12 days at a time is far more disruptive to us than a single 7 month deployment. So I have a lot of sympathy. I would just get on with building a life at home until he sees the light about this job. I hate being stuck in hotel rooms too so I would not come on trips unless there was convenient access to cool things to do.

 

I've never hated my DH's job, but there is a reason he's retiring this fall - we are ready for more time together.

[Shamzanne]

I think your husband's attitude toward you and your needs is a big deal, but assuming you're moving forward in your marriage I think you need to stop relying on him to satisfy your needs other than financial. It sounds like you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. I would stop travelling with him altogether to really focus on building a life for yourself at home.

 

I have been parenting alone since my daughter was 18 months. I was fine being home with her during the day, but evenings were really difficult. So I went to my parents' house for dinner every Monday, had friends over every Tuesday night, had church on Wednesday, went to a different friends' house on Thursday, made dinner for my sister on Fridays, etc. Your husband has chosen this life, which effects you, but he cannot control your attitude. I would work really hard to establish a life that he's welcome to join when he is home and available but will satisfy your needs when he is not. I also would not just drop everything when he is home. Yes, allow for time with him and your son but don't act as if you're just living for the moments he can give you. It will take the pressure off of him but also give you power over your own satisfaction.

[Joanne]

OP, there are several elements to your OP and follow ups that suggest depression.

 

You've been married 25 years; that means you are not young. There appears to be a disconnect between your confidence level and what it should be, developmentally, with your age.

 

On a purely utilitarian level, it seems your choices are to find a way to build a happy life or some form of formal separation or divorce. If you've talked, as you say, until you are blue in the face, and this has been the pattern, it's on you to make decisions and actions you CAN to be happy.

 

I would start with being willing to see that your son is not being "harmed", that you CAN build a happy, enriching life around your DH's routine. Another very powerful option is to enjoy - without resentment or passive/aggressiveness - the time he DOES give. That would take lots of change and work, but it's worth it.

 

Your perspective and actions haven't changed anything - even if they are 100% right. If you intend to stay in the marriage, it will be on you to find a way to be happy.

[butterflymommy]

Thanks butterfly mommy. How do your kids manage? My boy cries for his daddy to come home. I find that really hard to deal with. He just doesn't get why all of a sudden his daddy is gone for days at a time. My neighbor works offshore and is gone for a month at a time, but it's been that way since the kids were born. It's been their whole life.

 

 

They just have gotten used to it. :sad: But unlike your situation he has a very predictable schedule he sticks to. he is home just three days a week but it's always the same three days.

 

I have a lot of children and I've found the older ones pick up the slack in parenting from his absence. I don't think this is necessarily a good idea, and I definitely am not encouraging it, but it seems to have happened naturally. So it may be more difficult with just one child when you are the only "older" figure around.

[kiwik]

Your husband has been a jerk but being angry isn't helping. You need to decide whether you are staying with him and whether you are willing to demand he tries to change jobs, and then make a plan. Get yourself checked out for depression as pp suggested as well.

 

Also you said your husband has had problems and went off his medication? Was this about the same time as his job change? If so are you certain leaving his last job was actually a free choice?

[momtoamiracle]

Harmful to my son in that he's very close to his daddy. He misses him dreadfully. Hes used to spending every day with him. I try to stay cheerful around him, I don't cry or moan or anything. My son is very sensitive and thinks his own things and draws his own conclusions. He has a vivid imagination and comes up with all kinds of things...

 

 

I talked to him again, calmly, and he said he took the job because he thought I would travel with him more. I told him before I wouldn't like the travel so I don't know why he would think that. I think he has selective hearing. I honestly think he's feeling stuck and not admitting it. Now we just have to stick it out until he could find something else. He said he truly hated his last job and could bear it no longer. He's very good at his job and I believe it does fill a need.

 

Depression, oh I fully believe that. However I am allergic to the medications. I have terrible reactions, I've tried several kinds and I am not willing to go through that hell again, even for a day. I need to get myself up and get to exercising. Spring finally being here will help as winter is a terrible time for me. Peri menopause with a young child does not help! :)

 

 

I don't know when he went off his meds. He didn't tell me till the other day that he hadn't taken them in a couple of months.

 

One of my biggest reasons for hating him gone is the fear something bad will happen while he's gone. It's happened before. At least I had my parents to be with me until he could get to me.

 

 

Anyway, weve been talking and ironing out some issues. I'm going to see if I can talk him into trying a different medication. I don't see that the last one did any good anyway.

 

 

 

Thanks again. :)

[SailorMom]

You've already gotten some wonderful posts, but thought I'd add anyway, with all my hard earned knowledge of dealing with a DH on the other side of the planet....

 

First - let go of it being harmful to your son. It is hard, and a tough adjustment - but no permanent damage of any kind is being done, and he will adjust. My sons always miss their dad when he's gone - but they have a great relationship with him anyway. The harmful part is living with a mom who is miserable and resentful and angry. I know that sounds rough - remember that kids can thrive in almost any environment - but when momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy :)

 

I get it, I do - my DH is gone wayyyyy too much (usually more than 6 months a year), and even when he's home, he works 12-16 hour days sometimes 7 days a week. His last 4 month deployment we had less than a weeks notice and he'd only been home from his last 3 month deployment for a few weeks. I've had entire years of being depressed and resentful, hurt or angry - and I really regret spending them that way. I really wish I could go back in time and change how I decided to live my life during those times. I'm not saying my feelings and reactions weren't normal or unjustified - but in the end, they didn't help or make anything better, and did make things worse.

 

You can adjust and learn to live happily - but you have to choose to - it is a choice. A tough one to implement to be sure - and you have to make the choice again almost every day - but it can be done. Choose to be happy when your DH is home; choose to model flexibility, spontaneity, and self-reliance; choose to see last minute trips as adventures and not trials.

 

There is no reason to be stuck in a hotel room all day even without a car. Book hotels with free shuttles, take the bus, walk from hotels that are centrally located. Have a "go bag" ready with travel sized whatevers and some clothes, a bag for you son with books and snacks for the car, etc. When your DH is gone, learn to Skype so that your son can see him and talk to him.

 

If you go the RV route - get a trailer or a 5th wheel and use the tow vehicle as your get around car wherever you are.

 

If you're DH has a car wherever he is, take him to work in the morning (when that is applicable) and then pick him up after.... Although - sounds like he's in the car a lot during the day....

 

You have a wonderful opportunity being a homeschooler of getting to have the flexibility to ride along if you choose to.

 

Allow yourself and your son some adjustment time and know that it will get better. Have a good conversation admitting everything you feel to your DH, but then tell him that you want to work with him to get through this - ask him what he can do to help, tell him your ideas. Talk to your son and explain that you are adjusting as well, and ask what would help him to get used to it. When your DH leaves, allow yourself about an hour of self-pity, and then make yourself get on with normal life. Most of all - learn to live day to day - enjoy your DH when he is home even if he may leave the next day. Don't mourn his absences when he is there.