RebeccaS Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 We have a foster boy. Had him since he was 7 weeks old. He's 13 months now. His case is going to PC. Now, the search for family to take him begins and they already have a few interested parties. It really stinks that some family member could come out of the woodwork and he goes with them, never mind the almost full year he spent with us-or the fact that these same people didn't want him when he was a itty bitty baby. We knew it could come to this, but it still stinks. Today is just a crummy day. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lamolina Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 :grouphug: I can only imagine how hard that must be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I'm sorry. :grouphug: Thank you for providing this little boy with love and stability his first year. I hope he will be placed with a family that will continue to provide him with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 :grouphug: I've done the adoptive parenting thing, but foster parenting just seems like it's on a whole other level. Hang in there, mama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I does stink that people will not step up when the kids need them. Hopefully if someone is found they understand the risks of attachment issues that comes along with taking a child out of the only home he knows. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Does your state have a guideline about not moving a child if they have been with the foster family for a year? Our state takes that into consideration. We had to wait 2 YEARS for Arkasas to deny bio relatives for my girls.......and those people had child abuse convictions :cursing: and had never even seen the girls. Does the little guy have a lawyer that will fight for him to stay in the same placement? Fostering is hard as you do so much of the work but have very little of the power. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Hang in there. We were threatened numerous times that some family member was coming forward to take our oldest boy and twice for one of our girls. They always fell through. Once the family member learned about some of the hoops they'd have to jump through they backed out or the judge ruled that they were not a good fit. It was a trying time, but in the end one sunny day in April I got to keep all of my kids forever. I did have a few go home, but they'd never made it to the PC part of life. Many prayers for you and your little one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tearose Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 :grouphug: I'm really sorry to hear that. Someday I am sure that he will be so grateful for the love and care you gave him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaleidoscope Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I'm sorry. We fostered for almost 10 years and had 36 kiddos. That meant 31 goodbyes and it was so tough. There's just no way to make it easier, it's just crummy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: That does stink. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in IN Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 :grouphug: We have several friends who are foster parents. It seems like the good-bye transitions are the hardest part, especially with younger foster kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarkd Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 In our state foster placement length of time and adoption interest is considered. I hope it all works out. Foster care is so hard. Thinking of you and hoping for peace and resolution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 :grouphug: I can't even imagine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 As hard at it is, all you can do is pour your heart out to God and say, "Thy will be done." I have been in your position and cried my heart out when SImon was taken from us to be placed with a relative. He came back to us four months later because the relative could not care for him properly. Sometimes they come forward are last ditch efforts by the birth parents to keep "their" kids in the family, but the relatives who come forward usually are not willing to make lifestyle changes that are required by the DCFS guidelines. :grouphug: I would say more, but I get all worked up just thinking about that time of my life and I can't bear the thought of you going through it, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-2-7 Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 :grouphug: I'm a former foster parent. I agree. It sucks. Praying that your boy gets to stay with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebeccaS Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Thank you, everyone. :) The social worker hopes to spend next week going over potential family and figuring out what to do. She hopes to have an answer one way or another for us. Until then, we just wait and love on our little guy. Does your state have a guideline about not moving a child if they have been with the foster family for a year? Our state takes that into consideration. We had to wait 2 YEARS for Arkasas to deny bio relatives for my girls.......and those people had child abuse convictions :cursing: and had never even seen the girls. Does the little guy have a lawyer that will fight for him to stay in the same placement? Fostering is hard as you do so much of the work but have very little of the power. Our guy does have a GAL, but in the 11 months we've had him, we've never met her. :cursing: It's very frustrating because she's supposed to look out for his best interests, but, well, she's never met him. :confused1: I'm not sure if Ohio has guidelines for when to move a child. Depending on how the home studies go, dh and I are contemplating going to the hearing (we've never gone to one before). In our state foster placement length of time and adoption interest is considered. I hope it all works out. Foster care is so hard. Thinking of you and hoping for peace and resolution. Thank you-I need to do some searching and find out if Ohio has such guidelines for moving kids. We were always told that family gets first choice, no matter what. Even if they come in at the tail end after we've been raising and bonding with the kids. (And this little guy is VERY bonded to us at this point.) As hard at it is, all you can do is pour your heart out to God and say, "Thy will be done." I have been in your position and cried my heart out when SImon was taken from us to be placed with a relative. He came back to us four months later because the relative could not care for him properly. Sometimes they come forward are last ditch efforts by the birth parents to keep "their" kids in the family, but the relatives who come forward usually are not willing to make lifestyle changes that are required by the DCFS guidelines. :grouphug: I would say more, but I get all worked up just thinking about that time of my life and I can't bear the thought of you going through it, too. Thank you. :crying: I've been feeling weepy all day. I've done this before, but it never gets easier. This little guy wasn't supposed to stay. It was just a respite for his mom. Then it was just until we find relatives. I didn't even unpack his clothes for 2 weeks because he was just here "for a few days" and I didn't want to get attached. But the days turned to weeks and the weeks into months and well, he's part of the family now. I've been alternating praying and hugging him all day. I know, at the end of the day, it's out of my hands. But it still isn't easy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 :crying: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 This hurts my heart so badly, probably because I'm so close to losing my little Monkey (we've had 11 months). The great part in your situation (at least what I would try to hold onto if the situation was the same for Monkey) is that you had him for the most important time of him building the ability to attach, to trust, to bond, to love. It isn't great if he has to move; but you've given him a mighty gift. But don't get too upset yet. Honestly, I've torn myself up over this situation for the last four months for what? She is sleeping in her bed in my home as I type this. Yes, our reprieve is probably over, but I'm going to enjoy each day as a gift. Of course, I'm praying desperately that someone will rethink this. Hopefully, the doors will open up wide soon. If not, I hope M (and G!) will be okay should they have to go to other homes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 God I'm so sorry. My parents were fosters for many years. You loved him; no matter what, noone can take that from you and him. When he's an adult, if he remembers any of it, he'll look for you. My parents' facebook is filled with former fosters. I have tons of extra siblings on my tree thanks to them. They still, no matter how long they stayed with us, call my parents Mama and Papa. *hugs* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I would go to any and all hearings. Even write a letter to the judge--not bashing the other people but rather stating how long you have had him, how he has done at your home, the importance of bonding, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I would go to any and all hearings. Even write a letter to the judge--not bashing the other people but rather stating how long you have had him, how he has done at your home, the importance of bonding, etc. It is sooooo important for the judge as well as the rest of the team to see your face. I cannot emphasize enough the effectiveness and importance of this. Also, I have found that things are not always presented accurately. You can be there to make sure the information is correct. For example, a dear friend made a point of keeping a log of birth mother's visiting history. The caseworker told the judge in court that the birth mother had been compliant with visits and was bonding, when in reality birth mother had not shown for more than 50% of the visits, and almost never actually *touched* the baby. That was the wake-up call for my friend, who started quietly giving the various lawyers, CASA workers, and caseworker updated notes on visits or other important details both the day before court AND in the hall on the day OF court. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I have a great admiration for all of you foster parents. At the risk of sounding like some of the idiots that make stupid homeschooling remarks, I don't know how you do it, I couldn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I have a great admiration for all of you foster parents. At the risk of sounding like some of the idiots that make stupid homeschooling remarks, I don't know how you do it, I couldn't. you just DO IT.....step by step, day by day. We have a 16 year old girl now here through the court system. Supposed to be for 2-3 weeks, now has been 3 months and might be another 3 months. Our situation is totall different in that we know this is not long term but the daily issues can be challenging. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebeccaS Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 I am going to talk to dh today when he gets home from work about going to the hearing. Many of our placements did not stay this long or become this attached (on both ends, his and ours). I will do some research on bonding and attachment to try to make a better argument for his staying here with us rather than going with unknown family (he will not be going home to mom) in preparation for writing a letter to the judge. I have been keeping track of her attendance at visits-she didn't show up for the first 5 weeks he was in our care, then, she only showed about 33% of the time after that. It was really sad. He barely knows her, too. On Monday I will make a point of getting the phone number of his GAL and calling her to set up a visit with us asap. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. It is so very much appreciated. :) I would go to any and all hearings. Even write a letter to the judge--not bashing the other people but rather stating how long you have had him, how he has done at your home, the importance of bonding, etc. It is sooooo important for the judge as well as the rest of the team to see your face. I cannot emphasize enough the effectiveness and importance of this. Also, I have found that things are not always presented accurately. You can be there to make sure the information is correct. For example, a dear friend made a point of keeping a log of birth mother's visiting history. The caseworker told the judge in court that the birth mother had been compliant with visits and was bonding, when in reality birth mother had not shown for more than 50% of the visits, and almost never actually *touched* the baby. That was the wake-up call for my friend, who started quietly giving the various lawyers, CASA workers, and caseworker updated notes on visits or other important details both the day before court AND in the hall on the day OF court. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Rebecca, I really really hope (:tears:) that it works out for your sweet G and you. The people from out of state have texted a couple times today. I wish they'd understand it is too close now. Just leave me alone for awhile....please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellydon Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I have a great admiration for all of you foster parents. At the risk of sounding like some of the idiots that make stupid homeschooling remarks, I don't know how you do it, I couldn't. Me too. I could never foster parent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebeccaS Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 :crying: :crying: I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. We had a boy for about 7 months (his aunt and uncle came to "claim" him after he was with us all that time and took him with absolutely no transition the day before his first birthday :cursing: ) Then, she called me several times to ask me things about him-things his social worker could have answered. Every single time, he was in the background crying. One time, I was very curt with her because I just could not stand to be on the phone with her while he cried. :crying: Rebecca, I really really hope (:tears:) that it works out for your sweet G and you. The people from out of state have texted a couple times today. I wish they'd understand it is too close now. Just leave me alone for awhile....please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Here? The system is miserable. No transition. They can't even come get her or let me take her to them. Instead, some social worker she doesn't know will come take her from me, get on the plane with her and drop her off. Done. Ridiculous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom28kds Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 "Hugs" from a former foster Mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I am praying. You have given this little one such a magnificent gift, and I hope that wisdom prevails. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoseInABook Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Praying for you and for him. It's hard to think about much less live through. *hugs* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbpaulie Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 RebeccaS, we're in Cincinnati, OH, (PM me if you're in town too) have gone through the foster classes 3 years ago, never did anything w/ it and are going through them again. In training we keep hearing over and over that "reunification is the goal". It never sounded to us that they took into consideration how long a child has been w/ you, only if they have family they can go too. My understnaing is that the family would need to go through the foster/ adoption classes and also have a homestudy and police check. Sometimes things fall apart right there. Best of luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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