TammyinTN Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Ok guys…I need some perspective please. My mother and father called yesterday and want us to come for a visit. We live 4 hours away from family and they live an hour apart from each other. Were going to hit both families on the Sunday before Christmas. Going first to dh family they are the farthest away, then to my family and then back home. I was thinking of spending 3 hours (12-3) at his families home and then drive (1 hr.) to my parents an hour away and spending 3 hours (4-7) and then heading back home…putting us back home around midnight because I’m sure we will stop. We will be traveling with our dd, ds and grand daughter 5 months and us. Our dd really wants to have her first little ones Christmas at home and dh has to work the next day, which means a 4:30am wake up and they have patients that day. When I told them of our plans…they weren’t happy. They want us to come Christmas day. They have a candle light service on Sunday night they don’t want to miss, but don’t seem to realize how much traveling is involved in this. We will have to find a neighbor to watch our dog while were gone and no to mention the ride and expense is all on us. Am I being unreasonable? Can it be January now??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 "Mom, I love you. I hate that Christmas expectations get in the way of enjoying visits. Your Christmas day plans don't work for us this year. Let's enjoy the day we are able to come, okay?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I'm not sure I understand the the problem. Is your dd upset because she is traveling with you and will have to get up early on Monday after traveling late on Sunday? So, she wants to not visit your parents with you and just have Christmas at her house with you on Christmas Day? If that is the case, I'd let her stay home and not feel guilty about it, because that would be a lot of traveling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I'm not sure I understand the the problem. Is your dd upset because she is traveling with you and will have to get up early on Monday after traveling late on Sunday? So, she wants to not visit your parents with you and just have Christmas at her house with you on Christmas Day? If that is the case, I'd let her stay home and not feel guilty about it, because that would be a lot of traveling. I think it is the OP's parents who aren't happy because they will be coming on the Sunday before Christmas, rather than on Christmas day. I would do what is best for you, your DH, your DD, and grandbaby. I would tell your parents that you love them very much and can't wait to see them, and the day that you can come is Sunday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 This is why I made a blanket policy after dd's first Christmas that we don't travel on Christmas day. You ought to do the same. If people want to see us on Christmas they have to come to us. We always have nice quiet peaceful holidays now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I wish I had some advice. My parents are not happy that we're coming the Sat/Sun before Christmas. When I told them we'd be unable to get down there on Christmas day because DH has to work the day before and the day after, they were livid. They whined, "Can't he just take off?" Uh. No. Mandatory is mandatory. We're still trying to get down there for just ONE day, even though it means 3.5 - 4 hours of driving each way. They still don't appreciate that all the drive time and gas expense is on us. Like you, we have a pet that will require someone checking on during the day, too. I don't think you're being unreasonable. You're trying to plan to see them in a way that works best. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Visit when you can. Enjoy Christmas day at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 This is why I made a blanket policy after dd's first Christmas that we don't travel on Christmas day. You ought to do the same. If people want to see us on Christmas they have to come to us. We always have nice quiet peaceful holidays now. Doing this next year. You'll be around on the boards then for support, right? :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I would not change the day, but could you flip the visiting order? 11-2 at your parents' and 3-6 at dh's? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I'm with Parrothead. My first child was born on Dec. 22. I came home from the hospital on Christmas Eve and every family member I spoke to on the phone or that visited was told that from then on if they wanted to see us for Thanksgiving or Christmas that they would have to come to my home. 15 years later and I've not spent one holiday away from my home. It's been wonderful and family has never had a problem with it. Tell your mom that Christmas is for your kids and it's important to you that they spend it in their own home. Tell her you'd be happy to have her drive 4 hours to see you on Christmas day. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 We always have Christmas at out house on Christmas Day. We are home if anyone wants to come by. Offer to let them come to your house if they like, but it is about the baby now while she is young. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I would not change the day, but could you flip the visiting order? 11-2 at your parents' and 3-6 at dh's? I thought the same thing. See if you can swap the times with each set of parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 You h ave at least one youngster in your house now, right? So - time for the grandfolks to travel to YOU! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynnae Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 This is why I made a blanket policy after dd's first Christmas that we don't travel on Christmas day. You ought to do the same. If people want to see us on Christmas they have to come to us. We always have nice quiet peaceful holidays now. This has been our policy since our oldest was a baby 14 years ago, and it's worked out VERY well. We have an open door policy, and anyone is welcome to join us for Christmas, but we don't travel on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 The person with the small children gets to make the plans. Period. I would not be traveling on Christmas day. When I was little, I hated being pulled away from my new gifts to go visit with grandparents who sat around and talked and ate a lot. When I had my first baby, I told everyone that Christmas for my immediate family was centered on my immediate family. It ruffled a few feathers but it seems like pure logic to me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Not unreasonable at all. I f they want to see you on Christmas they are just as capable of traveling to you and attending a service in your local church. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Doing this next year. You'll be around on the boards then for support, right? :crying: Sure. I'm not going anywhere. It was easy to do once we didn't have a pattern established. Now we live so far away I just tell people it is crazy to even think about driving south for the holidays. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 This is easy. You try to switch the time on Sunday you can see them, but do not inconvenience your entire family to go on Christmas Day. Don't feel bad about it either. They can come to you if it is very important to them. I do NOT travel on Christmas with young children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.Balaban Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Don't budge. Invite them to your house on Christmas, if you want. Your doing what works out best for your family- that's what important here.... That is a LOT of travel for one day, and you are being plenty generous with that strenuous travel schedule. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Stay home. You'll tick people off, I'm sure. I did the first year I stayed home, but man, is it worth it!!!!! Christmas is now my favorite day of the year because we don't have to run around like crazy, no one bothers us, we stay in our jammies all day and enjoy our family time together. I don't blame your DD for not wanting to travel with her little one. It's too much, and not enjoyable. The extended family is all like, "Oh, little baby! We want to oohhhh and ahhhhh over the little baby! You shouldn't deprive us of that!" but they don't stop to realize how miserable it is to pack up all that baby stuff and end up with a cranky, over-stimulated baby who is off-schedule. Stay home. If you're super-nice, you can invite all your extended family over for Christmas. They can do the traveling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 That is a LOT of traveling in one day for a 5 month old. They should be extremely grateful to you for coming with one that small, no matter the day! I'd stick to the date that works for you and leave it at that (switching the times of the 2 stops does sound like a good option to consider). If they want another date, they can be the ones to travel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 I thought the same thing. See if you can swap the times with each set of parents. I offered to do this....they have their Christmas music service that morning. I really hate that ever year were in the states we have to travel to them and make so many sacrifices...I'm just done trying to please everyone. I just want to cry. My middle dd and son-in-law can't come here for Christmas so we traveled to them with their gifts 2 weekends ago..1000 + miles in 2 days to make sure they had everything they would need for their Christmas for our grand babies...so it's not like I'm being selfish I don't think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 This is why I made a blanket policy after dd's first Christmas that we don't travel on Christmas day. You ought to do the same. If people want to see us on Christmas they have to come to us. We always have nice quiet peaceful holidays now. It is fabulous isn;t it? We always have Christmas at out house on Christmas Day. We are home if anyone wants to come by. Offer to let them come to your house if they like, but it is about the baby now while she is young. yup. pretty much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 Stay home. You'll tick people off, I'm sure. I did the first year I stayed home, but man, is it worth it!!!!! Christmas is now my favorite day of the year because we don't have to run around like crazy, no one bothers us, we stay in our jammies all day and enjoy our family time together. I don't blame your DD for not wanting to travel with her little one. It's too much, and not enjoyable. The extended family is all like, "Oh, little baby! We want to oohhhh and ahhhhh over the little baby! You shouldn't deprive us of that!" but they don't stop to realize how miserable it is to pack up all that baby stuff and end up with a cranky, over-stimulated baby who is off-schedule. Stay home. If you're super-nice, you can invite all your extended family over for Christmas. They can do the traveling. This is just exactly how I feel. We have all traveled to see them this year, but not once has anyone made the drive to see us. I just feel so done! I pray we get reassigned to Europe again...for at least 7 years they didn't expect us to see them and they were our best family days every! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Stand your ground. It is generous of you to spend the money on gas and drag little ones around like that. They are not thinking this through, and reacting selfishly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 "Oh, I'm sorry, that's the only day we have available to travel. Maybe we'll see you next year." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I'm with everyone else who said to stand your ground. They're lucky you're making the trip at all. Honestly, if I had to do all that driving with a tiny baby, I'd be staying home. They are being selfish. You are being more than reasonable. If they complain again, wholeheartedly agree with them about the date of your visit being inconvenient for them... and then say that if they would prefer you not to visit at all this year, you absolutely understand, and gosh, maybe they should just come and visit you next year. You know, because you want them to be happy and all. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Stand your ground, mama!! They ought to be kissing your feet for the kind of driving you're doing!! NO WAY would I put myself through that unless there was some kind of emergency... Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 You aren't being selfish. Your parents are. They should not inconvenience your whole family and make you feel guilty because they don't want to miss an event at church. And yes, I'm a Christian who attends church and would feel a bit sad about missing a Christmas Eve service, but I would make that sacrifice knowing I'd get to see my daughter, grandkids, and great granddaughter. I've been known to present the options as the plan that works best for all involved or that we don't come at all. I point out we're doing our best for everyone, and if it doesn't work for them, it doesn't work for them and we'll skip the visit. :grouphug: Try not to feel guilty. You are not doing anything wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 Thank you guys! I have been scouring the house from top to bottom today to burn off my anger. I'm really trying to not feel guilty, but my whole life has been about keeping the peace and making them happy and now....I just feel done. You would think after being married for 25 years they would get it...but I guess not. I'm going to do that day and that's it. I'm done...next year if they want to see us, they travel...end of story. Again...thank you guys!!! :D You all rock :thumbup1: and Merry Christmas to you all! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Stand your ground. It is generous of you to spend the money on gas and drag little ones around like that. They are not thinking this through, and reacting selfishly. :iagree: I would just stay home completely. That is a lot of driving for you DH when he has to work so early the next day, and that is a LOT of traveling with a wee one - and my kids have more miles on them than many adults, so that is saying a lot, coming from me. I would just declare this year "Christmas at Home" and anybody who wishes to visit can do so. There is always January for visiting if/when you have more time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susann Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 "Mom, I love you. I hate that Christmas expectations get in the way of enjoying visits. Your Christmas day plans don't work for us this year. Let's enjoy the day we are able to come, okay?" :iagree: What a wonderful answer!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susann Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 My DH and I decided when we were married almost 25 years ago that we would not travel on Thanksgiving & Christmas. We had watched our older siblings spend hours in the car on holidays w/little ones and didn't want our holidays to be so stressful. Stand your ground-you are being very sweet to be there the weekend before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I offered to do this....they have their Christmas music service that morning. I really hate that ever year were in the states we have to travel to them and make so many sacrifices...I'm just done trying to please everyone. I just want to cry. Then they've made their choice, haven't they? I feel your pain on this issue. My ILs live locally but are so completely wrapped up in church service, that I've given up trying to plan things around them and they've often missed family things in favor of church commitments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Yes, it is so much nicer to stay home for Christmas. I wish we'd done it from the start, but I got roped into a couple of years traveling to MIL's and THEN driving to BIL's on Christmas day - like they're the only ones who matter enough to not travel. I'm not taking my girls away from the presents they just opened. Conveniently, last year DH had to work the day before and after, so we stayed home. This year, conveniently, same thing, but Rebecca also has gymnastics the morning after. Oh well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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