Insensitive and careless stupidity!!

[moonlight]

I am so mad right now, I could spit fireballs.

 

My cousin's facebook status today read:

I miss my grandma so much RIP 11.02.12 ♥

 

Because I live so far away, I had no idea what was going on. It is 2 a.m. in the morning over there and I called my parents. They didn't answer. I emailed everyone to see if this was true and out of hopefulness, that she was talking about someone else. She was. She was talking about her dad's mother. This doesn't make it any better, but it was not my grandmother and I don't have to hear about it on facebook.

 

I am also sure that some of her dad's side of the family will now be finding out about it on facebook.

[thebacabunch]

I am sorry this scared you, but I think you are overreacting.

[moonlight]

wow, why would you think i am over reacting? i would hate for anyone to have to hear news like this from facebook. i realize that her time will come, but i don't want to be alone with the kids when i find out. i would like my husband to be there so i can have a few moments to myself.

 

i would and also would be expected to call my dad and talk to him. he would not have appreciated such a phone call this morning.

[Dolphin]

I am sorry this scared you, but I think you are overreacting.

 

:iagree:

 

You don't know how her side of the family was told. We just lost my Aunt, we all knew that she was ill, and everyone was told. Posting the day after is fine.

[moonlight]

i actually do know that only the family in the US were told. She is FB friends with some cousins back home and she did not think through her status. She is dealing with the fallout now. I only know all this because the cousins that I sent messages to have been writing back to me!

[Mama Geek]

We had a cousin die that was 17 or 18 that family ended up calling everyone because it had been out on facebook and in the news. Dh's family is hugh so it was a big deal. It is hard for some people to restrain themselves and think through the consequences of their actions.

 

I am sorry you went through that.

[Carrie12345]

It would never occur to me to contact my cousins personally if my "other" grandmother died. And I didn't expect a phone call when theirs did.

 

I understand the panic it caused, but I see nothing inappropriate.

[Rebecca VA]

It would be polite of you to post a condolence message to her. The poor girl just lost her (other) grandmother, for goodness' sake! This isn't about you.

[LaxMom]

It would never occur to me to contact my cousins personally if my "other" grandmother died. And I didn't expect a phone call when theirs did.

 

I understand the panic it caused, but I see nothing inappropriate.

 

Yeah, I was thinking the same.

[Pawz4me]

I am sorry this scared you, but I think you are overreacting.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't mean to be harsh or critical, but honestly it seems to me that you're the one being insensitive. This isn't all about you.

[Momma2Luke]

It would be polite of you to post a condolence message to her. The poor girl just lost her (other) grandmother, for goodness' sake! This isn't about you.

 

:iagree:

 

I'm sorry for your scare - that must have momentarily disconcerting.... but mystified as to why you don't feel sympathetic for your cousins loss instead of anger.

[ChristusG]

I'm sorry you were scared....but I do not think there is anything wrong with your cousins post.

[WishboneDawn]

I'm with everyone else. I don't get why your momentary scare trumps your cousin's loss or why she was somehow obligated to think of you in the midst of her grief.

[Joanne]

:grouphug: on that feeling and your stunned shock.

 

Now that you know the content and context, when you get angry again, remind yourself that someone's beloved grandma *did* die. :grouphug:

[Amira]

I'm sorry you had that happen to you. :grouphug:

 

I'm curious if this type of thing has happened to you before while you've been overseas- feeling like you're out of the loop on important family news? That can be really hard for some people. I hope you can figure out a way to make this a little easier on yourself in the future.

 

I'm so glad that your grandmother is fine right now.

[hana]

:grouphug: on that feeling and your stunned shock.

 

Now that you know the content and context, when you get angry again, remind yourself that someone's beloved grandma *did* die. :grouphug:

 

This. I'm sorry you were so scared, and I'm sorry she lost her grandma.

[Susan in TN]

:grouphug:

 

I think it's likely that she just needed to "get something out" as a part of dealing with her own shock and grief. For people who use Facebook a lot, this is probably something that would come naturally, and in her emotional state she didn't consider the negative aspects.

 

:grouphug:

[KungFuPanda]

wow, why would you think i am over reacting? i would hate for anyone to have to hear news like this from facebook. i realize that her time will come, but i don't want to be alone with the kids when i find out. i would like my husband to be there so i can have a few moments to myself.

 

i would and also would be expected to call my dad and talk to him. he would not have appreciated such a phone call this morning.

 

I understand that the misunderstanding startled you, but it's insensitive to make her grandmother's death about you.

[DusksAngel]

I'm sorry you were worried :grouphug:, but I don't feel she did anything wrong either. It was a request for support in a difficult time. If something happened in my family, there are some friends/family I only speak with via facebook and I'd want them to know.

[bolt.]

In my opinion, grief makes *everyone* insensitive, thoughtless, impulsive, and often selfish or judgemental. It's that few days when all your social skills are broken and your critical thinking ability goes out the window. Nobody can avoid this. It's perfectly normal, and it often makes the days of grief hard in families -- sniping at each other and blowing up etc.

 

Friends, that's why the op had the 'me!' reaction. She had a brush with grief and is acting like it.

 

OP, it's also why your cousin could have been wiser or more tactful on Facebook -- but she's not at her best right now, and no one should expect her to be thinking at that level at this time.

 

Healthy families try not to blame each other for various idiocies comitted during the days of grief. It's best to let it be a grace period for everyone.

[Mary in VA]

In my opinion, grief makes *everyone* insensitive, thoughtless, impulsive, and often selfish or judgemental. It's that few days when all your social skills are broken and your critical thinking ability goes out the window. Nobody can avoid this. It's perfectly normal, and it often makes the days of grief hard in families -- sniping at each other and blowing up etc.

 

Friends, that's why the op had the 'me!' reaction. She had a brush with grief and is acting like it.

 

OP, it's also why your cousin could have been wiser or more tactful on Facebook -- but she's not at her best right now, and no one should expect her to be thinking at that level at this time.

 

Healthy families try not to blame each other for various idiocies comitted during the days of grief. It's best to let it be a grace period for everyone.

 

:iagree:Great wisdom in this post!

[Momma2Luke]

In my opinion, grief makes *everyone* insensitive, thoughtless, impulsive, and often selfish or judgemental. It's that few days when all your social skills are broken and your critical thinking ability goes out the window. Nobody can avoid this. It's perfectly normal, and it often makes the days of grief hard in families -- sniping at each other and blowing up etc.

 

Friends, that's why the op had the 'me!' reaction. She had a brush with grief and is acting like it.

 

OP, it's also why your cousin could have been wiser or more tactful on Facebook -- but she's not at her best right now, and no one should expect her to be thinking at that level at this time.

 

Healthy families try not to blame each other for various idiocies comitted during the days of grief. It's best to let it be a grace period for everyone.

 

yes.... this is truth...

[Word Nerd]

In my opinion, grief makes *everyone* insensitive, thoughtless, impulsive, and often selfish or judgemental. It's that few days when all your social skills are broken and your critical thinking ability goes out the window. Nobody can avoid this. It's perfectly normal, and it often makes the days of grief hard in families -- sniping at each other and blowing up etc.

 

Friends, that's why the op had the 'me!' reaction. She had a brush with grief and is acting like it.

 

OP, it's also why your cousin could have been wiser or more tactful on Facebook -- but she's not at her best right now, and no one should expect her to be thinking at that level at this time.

 

Healthy families try not to blame each other for various idiocies comitted during the days of grief. It's best to let it be a grace period for everyone.

 

This. I think extending grace is the right response in this situation.

[Catwoman]

I'm very sorry you were upset, but maybe this is a sign that you should stay off Facebook.

 

Seriously.

 

People are going to post whatever they want to post, and it's not like your cousin posted it on your page -- she posted it on her own -- so you really have no right to be angry.

 

Besides, if your "real" grandmother had passed away, wouldn't someone have called you immediately? :confused:

 

I hate to say this, but I agree with everyone else -- you are seriously over-reacting. Be relieved that your grandma is OK, and send your condolences to your cousin.

[JFSinIL]

It would be polite of you to post a condolence message to her. The poor girl just lost her (other) grandmother, for goodness' sake! This isn't about you.

 

My thoughts exactly!

[DianeW88]

It would be polite of you to post a condolence message to her. The poor girl just lost her (other) grandmother, for goodness' sake! This isn't about you.

 

:iagree: I seriously do not understand your attitude. You have nothing to be upset about.

[Desert Rat]

In my opinion, grief makes *everyone* insensitive, thoughtless, impulsive, and often selfish or judgemental. It's that few days when all your social skills are broken and your critical thinking ability goes out the window. Nobody can avoid this. It's perfectly normal, and it often makes the days of grief hard in families -- sniping at each other and blowing up etc.

 

Friends, that's why the op had the 'me!' reaction. She had a brush with grief and is acting like it.

 

OP, it's also why your cousin could have been wiser or more tactful on Facebook -- but she's not at her best right now, and no one should expect her to be thinking at that level at this time.

 

Healthy families try not to blame each other for various idiocies comitted during the days of grief. It's best to let it be a grace period for everyone.

 

Brilliant, Bolt. :iagree:

I think it would be wise for all of us to remember to put names in posts like OP's cousin's.

 

My dad died about 2 months ago. We called immediate family. We started a call chain for the less immediate family (cousins, distant aunts, uncles, etc). Then, I went on my dad's FB and wrote that I was his daughter and I'm sorry to say..... My dad's ministry in his last few years was through FB. The messages we received, I printed out and put on a poster so everyone could see them at the memorial.

 

I realize this is a different scenario. But, I felt that it exemplifies how FB is changing social interactions and notifications. I didn't hear of one person upset on how they were notified. The day we picked for the memorial? Well, lots of grief over that one. I guess we were supposed to consider everyone else's work schedules when choosing the day, not family, just people who he knew. :glare:

[Anne in CA]

I found out that my cousin died when my SIL called me saying people were posting about it on facebook. I was sure it was some sort of prank because he was only 32, but no, it was true. It is sort of unreal to find out that way.

[moonlight]

i do believe that bolt said it best.

 

in my anger, i came here and posted and i think i was looking for a little compassion, a little something. what i did on facebook, however, was to write my cousin a note of condolences after my other cousins confirmed that it was not our shared grandma. and i called her family as well. i haven't in any way implied that i was upset with her because i know that she doesn't need that right now.

 

what did happen is that several of her family members did not know and had to find out through fb. i think one of the sons was flying back home to tell them as well as the grandfather. i'm pretty sure they know now and it wreaked havoc over there.

 

i just had a momentary scare and i'm sure i reacted by going through the grieving process...i still don't ever want to find out like that though.

[Momma2Luke]

i do believe that bolt said it best.

 

in my anger, i came here and posted and i think i was looking for a little compassion, a little something. what i did on facebook, however, was to write my cousin a note of condolences after my other cousins confirmed that it was not our shared grandma. and i called her family as well. i haven't in any way implied that i was upset with her because i know that she doesn't need that right now.

 

what did happen is that several of her family members did not know and had to find out through fb. i think one of the sons was flying back home to tell them as well as the grandfather. i'm pretty sure they know now and it wreaked havoc over there.

 

i just had a momentary scare and i'm sure i reacted by going through the grieving process...i still don't ever want to find out like that though.

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I'm glad you're feeling better now, Moonlight. I can definitely understand why you would have initially been shocked and upset. :grouphug:

[HS Mom in NC]

Being vague about who died isn't a good idea in a FB post but it's an understandable misstep when someone is grieving for a loved one. I agree that close relatives need to be notified before it's posted on FB but I don't think anyone is obligated to track down and notify extended family before it's posted.

[moonlight]

:grouphug:

 

thanks..

[moonlight]

I'm glad you're feeling better now, Moonlight. I can definitely understand why you would have initially been shocked and upset. :grouphug:

 

thanks...this also probably has to do with living my whole life away from our extended family (grandparents) and we were always notified with a phone call...it was hard never being able to say goodbye. i think my initial shock was also that it went from a phone call to a facebook status! clearly not the case...