HappyLady Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 My sister just told me my mom and her new boyfriend will be at my niece's 13th birthday party (my sister's daughter). It's just a little family party, nothing huge. Long story short, I don't have a good relationship with my mom and she hasn't bothered to speak to my kids (4.5 and 2) or me in 10 months now (she lives 20 minutes away, but is moving out of state in a few weeks to live with her boyfriend). She missed both of their birthdays and didn't even acknowledge my DS for his birthday. Anyway, I told my sister that I don't know if I'm going to come to the party. I know my niece would understand. My sister said I'm sending the wrong message to the kids - that essentially I'm letting the "bully" win and I'm missing out on a family party. I told my sister that I'm showing the kids that you don't put up with anyone's carp, family or not. I just know she'll be extremely nice to my kids and me in front of her new man and it will make me sick. I won't know how I'll keep my mouth shut. Plus, I'm sure she's told her new man all sorts of "wonderful" things about me (I've had plenty of people over the years tell me what my mom has said about me behind my back so I know it's no different with this guy). Why do I want to meet him knowing he already thinks I'm the worst person in the world? Ok, I could show him she's wrong, but frankly I'm sick and tired of having to do that. So, would you go to the party or not? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Nope. I'd make a point of setting a date and time to spend w/your niece, but I wouldn't go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I'd go. 13 is a big age to turn, and staying home because you don't like another one of the guests is petty. It would be different if they were going to be loud and mean and swearing at you, but if they can go and act polite I don't see why you can't. Put on your big girl panties, take the kids, and go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 staying home because you don't like another one of the guests is petty. :iagree: We can not control what others say behind our backs. If they are being civil, you be civil. If they start being not civil, then you politely leave early. Don't make your neices b-day party a battleground. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I'd go. 13 is a big age to turn, and staying home because you don't like another one of the guests is petty. It would be different if they were going to be loud and mean and swearing at you, but if they can go and act polite I don't see why you can't. Put on your big girl panties, take the kids, and go. :iagree: It honestly sounds to me like you are trying to "make a statement" by not going to this party. The party isn't about you and it isn't about your mom. Do you plan on staying away from every family function for the rest of your life in case your mom might show up? You need to model to your kids how to be in the same room with people you're ticked at. It's an important life skill. You don't want to teach them to avoid every situation that might be a bit uncomfortable. Besides, no, I don't think your niece will understand the way you want her to. Unless you want her to consider her cousins' events optional and unimportant, you shouldn't let this type of issue keep you from hers IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 My sister just told me my mom and her new boyfriend will be at my niece's 13th birthday party (my sister's daughter). It's just a little family party, nothing huge. Long story short, I don't have a good relationship with my mom and she hasn't bothered to speak to my kids (4.5 and 2) or me in 10 months now (she lives 20 minutes away, but is moving out of state in a few weeks to live with her boyfriend). She missed both of their birthdays and didn't even acknowledge my DS for his birthday. Anyway, I told my sister that I don't know if I'm going to come to the party. I know my niece would understand. My sister said I'm sending the wrong message to the kids - that essentially I'm letting the "bully" win and I'm missing out on a family party. I told my sister that I'm showing the kids that you don't put up with anyone's carp, family or not. I just know she'll be extremely nice to my kids and me in front of her new man and it will make me sick. I won't know how I'll keep my mouth shut. Plus, I'm sure she's told her new man all sorts of "wonderful" things about me (I've had plenty of people over the years tell me what my mom has said about me behind my back so I know it's no different with this guy). Why do I want to meet him knowing he already thinks I'm the worst person in the world? Ok, I could show him she's wrong, but frankly I'm sick and tired of having to do that. So, would you go to the party or not? Bean, that stinks for you. Really, it does. :grouphug: But I'd go to niece's party. It's about niece, and you supporting your relationship with HER. Not about mom, or the new man, or your relationship with them. Go, put on your fake smile for mom, make small talk. Perhaps use the opportunity to set up a firm date and time to come get your stuff from mom's house before she moves. Let your little ones enjoy some time with their grandma, since she'll likely be on good behavior in front of her new man. So yes, I'm saying suck it up and do this for your kids and your niece. I'm not saying it'll be EASY to bite your tongue and play nice. :tongue_smilie: But I'm saying you should do it. Besides; mom's moving out of state soon, right? This will likely be the last time you see her for quite a while? I say go. Just my $0.02. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 If I wanted to see my sister and neice, I would suck it up and go. Practice my "nice face" in the mirror before we left the house. I don't let nasty people push me out of my own family..... Hey! On the bright side, maybe you can make arrangements to get your stuff at the party (in front of other people where it will stay polite) and can avoid having to talk to mother on the phone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Only you know your family dynamics. If you think the event is likely to degrade into an uncomfortable confrontation, it would be kinder to the niece if you stayed home and didn't participate in turning her birthday into a family fight. But if you think that everyone can remain civil, it would be a nice gesture to attend. In either case, you can choose to not get involved in petty talk, and remain above the fray. It's very, very difficult, but it can be done. What does your sister want you to do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I'll join the go to the party group. I'd go and let the kids enjoy themselves. No way would I punish myself and my kids and stay home. You don't have to do more than polite chit chat with her or the new bf. If either tries to have more of a conversation than you want, excuse yourself and walk away. You can always leave early if it becomes necessary. Once you get home, reward yourself for getting through it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 No, don't go. I have the same situation going on with a family vacation and my sister. A week with her would be awful. Heck, an hour would be. The lack of respect has put her on a list of people I just choose not to be around/associate with. And people said to go on the trip and not let her bother me. But I can't. She bothers me. It wouldn't be a good trip for me...which would affect the whole situation. So we aren't going. Hard decision b/c it ruins our vacation plans with grandpa but toxic people are no longer allowed to be part of my life. Say no. Do something special with the niece another time. They aren't winning. You are just avoiding them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 :iagree: We can not control what others say behind our backs. If they are being civil, you be civil. If they start being not civil, then you politely leave early. Don't make your neices b-day party a battleground. :iagree: Do not put your niece in the middle of this. Go to the party, put on a happy face, and get along to show your kids how you handle uncomfortable situations. This is not putting up with her carp, it is looking past the carp for a day to show your niece that you love her so much you are willing to set your differences aside for her sake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 This is one of those times that you put on your big girl panties and be the bigger person. It's not about you or your Mom. It's about your niece. And, No, a 13 year old will Not understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Go. You're not there for your mother's drama; you're there for your niece. You're also letting your mother intrude on your relationships with your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I would go, but I would not bring the kids. They are so little compared to the 13 year old, that it's not like she'll be missing out on playmates. If I remember right from another thread, your mother has some of your stuff that you want before she moves? Maybe she could bring it to the party!:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 My sister just told me my mom and her new boyfriend will be at my niece's 13th birthday party (my sister's daughter). It's just a little family party, nothing huge. Long story short, I don't have a good relationship with my mom and she hasn't bothered to speak to my kids (4.5 and 2) or me in 10 months now (she lives 20 minutes away, but is moving out of state in a few weeks to live with her boyfriend). She missed both of their birthdays and didn't even acknowledge my DS for his birthday. Anyway, I told my sister that I don't know if I'm going to come to the party. I know my niece would understand. My sister said I'm sending the wrong message to the kids - that essentially I'm letting the "bully" win and I'm missing out on a family party. I told my sister that I'm showing the kids that you don't put up with anyone's carp, family or not. I just know she'll be extremely nice to my kids and me in front of her new man and it will make me sick. I won't know how I'll keep my mouth shut. Plus, I'm sure she's told her new man all sorts of "wonderful" things about me (I've had plenty of people over the years tell me what my mom has said about me behind my back so I know it's no different with this guy). Why do I want to meet him knowing he already thinks I'm the worst person in the world? Ok, I could show him she's wrong, but frankly I'm sick and tired of having to do that. So, would you go to the party or not? I kind-of agree with the party-goers. But I would have to keep thinking about whether or not this would be good for MY kids. If grandma is such a flake then being nice to them at the party & then leaving again (after having ignored them for 10 months) might be quite hurtful. They are 4.5 & 2, right? I'm not sure if I'd bring them along. That deserves some thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I wouldn't go. Do something nice with niece later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I kind-of agree with the party-goers. But I would have to keep thinking about whether or not this would be good for MY kids. If grandma is such a flake then being nice to them at the party & then leaving again (after having ignored them for 10 months) might be quite hurtful. They are 4.5 & 2, right? I'm not sure if I'd bring them along. That deserves some thought. :iagree: It avoids the worry over whether the kids could get upset by the need to leave early, or even almost as soon as you get there. Plus, they are so little that if you don't tell them what they are missing, they will never know. If you get there and it immediately becomes apparent that grandma is wanting to make ugly, you can kiss your niece, wish her happy birthday, give her a present, and then leave. No need for the kids to ask eight billion times why they aren't getting cake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 How will it feel to see grandma at this party if she doesn't go to theirs? If I have that right, i would leave them home. Then, I feel this way: 1. If a relative is dangerous, toxic, a terruble influence, don't go. It is on the inviting relative not to have crazy/toxic people around kids, family, etc 2. If she is just annoying, I would go for my niece but be cordial only to the irritating one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samiam Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 It depends on your mom...is she the kind that is going to make a scene, make it uncomfortable, or is she the kind that can fake it, and be kind for the party at least? Frankly, your kids are young enough, they shouldn't know it about the issues at all. They don't even need to know about the party. The niece doesn't need to know why you can't come. Apologize "we can't make it" , wish her a Happy Birthday, and make plans to take her to a special lunch. Or have her over. Frankly, if your Mom and you can't get along for the party, it's better for EVERYONE involved if you don't go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Nope. I'd make a point of setting a date and time to spend w/your niece, but I wouldn't go. Say no. Do something special with the niece another time. They aren't winning. You are just avoiding them. I wouldn't go. Do something nice with niece later. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: How will it feel to see grandma at this party if she doesn't go to theirs? I was thinking the same thing. I wouldn't want my kids thinking that Grandma loves their cousin more than she loves them, even if they're not particularly close to her. Bean, your mom sounds toxic. Skip the party and let your niece know that it's because you're having problems with Grandma, but that you want to do something special with her soon. Set up the date right away to take her shopping for a special birthday gift and to go out to lunch together (or whatever you think would be fun.) It will be more special to her to have you do this for her, than it would if you were just another guest at her party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I'd go. 13 is a big age to turn, and staying home because you don't like another one of the guests is petty. It would be different if they were going to be loud and mean and swearing at you, but if they can go and act polite I don't see why you can't. Put on your big girl panties, take the kids, and go. I'll just say that it is totally different when it's your mom. It's petty to stay home for this generally, but the mother-child relationship is much more intense, and there is a lot of pain in this particular relationship. There are some things that are wrong, and terribly painful, and this is one of them. It's similar to expecting a divorced couple to continue socializing together. I agree with Imp. Skip the party and do something super-special with your niece another time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I would go because the party is not about your mom, but about your niece. You going to the party doesn't say anything about your relationship with your mom. It speaks volumes to your children about taking the high road and focusing on what is really important. If it were a party for your mom, I could see taking a stand and not going. You staying away will not "punish" your mom, but it will punish others in your family. Why do that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I dunno. Seems to me that 13yo niece's bday trumps Mom's bad behavior. Y'all could be just as kissy-face to her as she will be to you. Then you're teaching your dc how to behave properly under extremely bad circumstances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I'm in the don't go group. I have family members that would make a point of getting combatants together to see the fireworks and to act all innocent. I gave up being sucked into that stuff a long time ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I'm not sure you can say the 13 year old will understand. Often they say they understand but the emotions are all still there and sometimes the logic is overcome by them later. They get hurt and they hold it silently. I would go. I would arrive early, help set up, and warn niece that you may need to leave early. Then I would stay for as long as I was comfortable. Kids would not be with grandma without supervision. *I* would not be with grandma without supervision. Keep busy elsewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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