Mom-ninja. Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 There was a thread once about how to be a good mil. Well, here is an added suggestion. Get to know your dil or sil. Show them that you're actually interested in finding out who they are and what they like. Make at least a little effort to help your dil or sil feel comfortable in your home. If s/he has celiac then find at least one thing you can buy for s/he to eat. I'm not saying you have to try and cook anything (probably better if you don't), but you know ask about a particular brand of potato chip that you can make sure you have at home when s/he visits. Don't spread the entire table with snack food that is all wheat.....wheat thins, pretzels, triscuits, cheez-its, pita chips, and cookies. This is especially worse when your grandchild also cannot eat wheat products. And for the love of all that is good in this world....do not pull out a store bought cake and have the rest of the family eat it in front of your grandchildren who cannot eat it, every single time they visit you. :glare: It really makes the dil or sil feel unwelcome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 (edited) :grouphug: My little guy has allergies, and it's hard when people who are supposed to love him don't make an effort to at least provide a safe environment for visits. Edited September 10, 2012 by Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Oh, I do pack food. I don't expect them to change their eating habits when we go over. However, it would be a NICE gesture to have at least one thing of snack food that was edible. I've started baking cupcakes at home to pull out when the *bleeping* cake is pulled out. I mean, you can't even buy just regular chocolate ice cream for you grandkids? You have to pull out a cake every single time? Spreading out a huge buffet of wheat filled food every.single.time just does not show that you are in the least bit interested or care to even try to make your dil/sil/grandkids feel welcome. It's not hard to buy a bag of Kettle chips when you are buying pretzels. That's all I'm saying. My kids have very much noticed that my mom and dad go out of their way to have gf food for them and me and that their other grandparents don't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 :grouphug: Even if she doesn't make an effort for your sake, you'd think she would for her grandchild! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 If you feel this is your mountain to die on, enjoy. I was secretly happy that my kids didn't want to gorge on calorie dense salty snack items.... Okay. My mountain. You are a much better person and mother than I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 I agree with OP. This is more than just a being a bad MIL, this is probably something anyone would do, just to be a good hostess. If they came to my house, I would have a couple of snacks for them and a dessert they could eat. It really isn't that much trouble. OP, perhaps your DH could talk to them and point out how bad it make the child feel. This is just cruel. If said child was diabetic, would she have nothing but sweets? I think not. This is mean and should be stopped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 It's cruel, plain and simple. It's NOT that freaking hard to offer some gf snacks. A plate of fruits and veggies, for crying out loud! really, doesn't take massive thinking or effort. Jerks :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Yeah, that's crappy. She should make at least a minimal effort. Maybe have cake and ice cream, so you and your kids could have something too. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Have you seen it from the other side? It is hard for some. First, fruits and veggies are perishable; if the MIL doesn't garden, then she's got to go out to the store before the visit. Much harder than in my day, grandma would hand me a bowl and send me out to the berry patch. Now, at the store, the produce has to be picked. That's not an easy job for someone who has never done it. Far easier to grab a bag of chips. And the GF ...that would take glasses to determine and time..none of which my MIL wants to spend, as her medical issues limit the time she can spend away frmo the facilities, on her feet. Then there is the cost...GF probably sets off $$$$ signs when cost of chips vs GF vs fruit and veggies are considered. I can't adequately describe some of the veggie plates we've been served at holidays..let's just say they are past their prime. And the fruit...uh, it's marked down specifically because it's bruised. No kid that isn't very hungry is going to bite into that. The issues that go thru their minds when they get out to the grocery store don't always translate into healthy decisions. Even in my MILs day, produce was only in season. An orange this far north was rare and generally put in a Christmas stocking for ex. She does not have the expertise to sort thru the green fruits and figure out which will ripen and which will rot on her countertop by the top the grandkids get there. Being on a fixed income, she doesn't want to invest to find out. Far easier for us to bring the food. ymmv of course. Have you never, EVER seen fruit/veggie platters at the grocery store? All pre washed, cut up, etc. Here, they're beautifully done. Nope, sorry. Still say it's not hard to offer something GF. There's just no reasonable excuse to NOT make the effort for your dil and grandchild. If you want ppl to visit, you want them to feel welcome. Offering some fruits/veggies really isn't that big a thing to do, and would make family feel important, wanted. Or they just stick to what they're doing, make ppl feel like carp, and eventually get to whine to all and sundry about how their dil and gkids don't visit, or make super brief appearances. Who the heck wants to be around ppl that don't seem to give a carp about you? I mean, if they weren't dealing w/Celiac's, but a life threatening peanut allergy, would you be defending them putting out pbj? Gluten won't have them dying in front of you, but to someone w/Celiac, it's like giving them a table spoon of bleach. Make them incredibly ill, damage their digestive system, leading to malnurishment...it's not a 'whoops, you're going to have a bit of an upset belly' situation. Just no excuse to not freaking bother. None. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 It's cruel, plain and simple. It's NOT that freaking hard to offer some gf snacks. A plate of fruits and veggies, for crying out loud! really, doesn't take massive thinking or effort. Jerks :glare: :iagree: It sounds kind of deliberate to me. :glare: I don't have true allergies, but I have gone paleo/primal in my diet. We haven't been to visit the in-laws since I started this, but my m-i-l mentions it when she sees me...how worried she is she won't be able to feed me. What should she fix? Etc. However, it doesn't come across as accommodating. It comes across like she thinks I am a pain in the @ss for eating this way. I have told her to fix whatever she would normally fix and not to worry about it - that I could certainly make do. I DON'T want her doing anything special, but, really...it just isn't that hard. Just fix meat and a salad and then all the other carby stuff you fix, and I'll just eat the meat and salad! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Same here, although mil has gotten better. I remember my mil invited us to pizza 6 months or so ago. She was having sil pick some up in town. But she decided they didn't want to pick up pizza at the place that offers GF Pizza- or drive that extra 3 minutes and pick up a separate GF pizza. So, she bought pizza for everyone else and offered me and the 3 kids 1/2 lb of lunch meat and some chips. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 There was a thread once about how to be a good mil. Well, here is an added suggestion. Get to know your dil or sil. Show them that you're actually interested in finding out who they are and what they like. Make at least a little effort to help your dil or sil feel comfortable in your home. If s/he has celiac then find at least one thing you can buy for s/he to eat. I'm not saying you have to try and cook anything (probably better if you don't), but you know ask about a particular brand of potato chip that you can make sure you have at home when s/he visits. Don't spread the entire table with snack food that is all wheat.....wheat thins, pretzels, triscuits, cheez-its, pita chips, and cookies. This is especially worse when your grandchild also cannot eat wheat products. And for the love of all that is good in this world....do not pull out a store bought cake and have the rest of the family eat it in front of your grandchildren who cannot eat it, every single time they visit you. :glare: It really makes the dil or sil feel unwelcome. Oh my goodness...that's just wrong. My grand babies are here and I specifically shop what they love to eat. I get a list from mom and make sure to stock up. I would make something that everyone can partake in...so sorry she was so unkind. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Just pointing out that you might be headbanging for decades... You probably have better things to do with your time. I do. Yet, it's difficult to answer questions from your kids as to why grandma never buys anything for them to eat when the other people get tons of food. But what I'm saying is that if one wants to know some tips on being a better mil then I'm suggesting that it would be nice to do certain things ie have at least one snack item that your dil or sil can eat and get to know your dil/sil likes and dislikes. It doesn't take much effort. I hope to be a great mil some day, and I'm taking notes on things I never want to do....and things I do want to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristyB in TN Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 I am so sorry. My mil does all of these things, I stopped going to her house years ago and let the kids opt out whenever they wanted. She can come here if she decides to play nice. When my oldest son had his first serious girlfriend, I did not like her from the start. I realized one day what I was doing and who I was becoming. Thankfully, he doesn't date her anymore but he will NEVER know my feelings if I don't like his girlfriend ever again. I promised him that I will love her and make her feel wonderful. I still feel horrible for that... Maybe a terrible mil wasn't such a bad thing for me? Maybe it will keep my son close. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Oh, and as to the cost issue brought up earlier..... Have you seen the cost of a bakery made cake? Not cheap. Yet, there is always a bakery made cake that was just purchased. Oh, and when there is ice cream it is always store bought ice cream cone deals like Nutty Butty (my oldest is also allergic to peanuts so double whammy there) or it's something like cookies and cream flavor. It is that much harder to buy plain chocolate or even neapolitan? No. There have been times when either mil or fil will run to the store while we are visiting and come back with pretzels or crackers or cookies and it would be just as easy and cost the same if they grabbed a bag of chips. As for which chips? Just ask. I'll even tell you the brand so that you don't have to read anything. They do have a garden. Yes, my boys will go to the garden and pick veggies and fruit. However, there's not always produce to pick. Besides picture this, "Here ds have some nice bell pepper strips while all your cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents have cake." If you were 8 how would you feel? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Maybe a terrible mil wasn't such a bad thing for me? Maybe it will keep my son close. :001_smile: Great way to find the silver lining. I like it. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristyB in TN Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Also, take food! You can even say that you brought food because you sure do like to eat when you are there. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 My grand babies are here and I specifically shop what they love to eat. I get a list from mom and make sure to stock up. I would make something that everyone can partake in My mom does this. She stocks up on gf stuff for us when we go there. She even asks me what brands we like better. She purchased a new colander, pot, pan, and cook spoon to use for when she cooks anything for us. Now, I do NOT expect my mil to do this. I'm just saying that plopping down a bag of chips along with all the crackers and pretzels is not that hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Also, take food! You can even say that you brought food because you sure do like to eat when you are there. ;) I think if you brought food along, that might be a good VISUAL that there are simple things you can eat. They're not weird, hard-to-procur items. Maybe that will give her a push for next time. I can see my mom being this way... feeling paralyzed by the need to do something different from what she has always done, and half-doubting that we really need to be "so difficult"... as if maybe if she just serves the food, we'll realized we CAN eat it after all! Some people make up a reality that is most convenient, KWIM? Anyway, sorry about the situation; I can understand why it would make you feel unloved. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 (edited) To clarify, I do take food. I have to be careful of cross contamination. This isn't about me thinking she should *cook* food for us. I'm simply saying that if she is in the store buying snack food it's not hard to grab a snack food that is gf even if just for the boys. I've even gone there multiple times with Kettle chips, and she's made the comment, "Oh, so you can eat those?" Yet, she has yet to produce a bag along with all the wheat items she buys and puts out to eat. They always have beer. I have taken hard cider over before and shared. Not once have they purchased hard cider for me, even if she runs to the store while we are there for a beer refill. It's just one more thing out of a lot of things that keeps reminding me that I am and always will be an *outsider* to them. I've never been truly welcome and I won't be. Ah, well. Like posted above, at least I'm learning what not to do to my future dils. Edited September 10, 2012 by Kleine Hexe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
somo_chickenlady Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 (edited) :grouphug: I'm sorry your MIL acts like that. :( My MIL is wonderful, and she knows exactly what I like to eat, which candy I like best, etc, and when we go back to our hometown (we stay with them), she has them on hand for me. I love her a lot and I want to be just like her when my DS grows up and gets married. I really lucked out in the MIL department. Sorry yours is so inconsiderate!! :( I think I may be celiac, so I know how you feel. I would buy cider for you!!! :( Edited September 10, 2012 by somo_chickenlady Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Ugh, for those of you who are stuck with relatives who don't care enough about you or your children's food needs -- it's just wrong, rude, and even bordering on mean and cruel (consistently eating cake that you know kids can't have?? I could see once being an, "oh, shoot, I bought the cake for Suzie's birthday and forgot that Johnny can't eat it," but basic decency would say that you'd remember the next time). Having been on both the receiving end (DD was allergic to dairy for a while, and it meant the world to me that MIL read labels and all carefully and asked about everything) and the giving end (I have, at times, avoided dairy, soy, wheat, fish, shellfish, beef, pork, peaches, tomatoes, peanuts, red dye [including in clothing], and citrus in cooking/preparing meals for various relatives because of their sensitivities, plus a few other things for other reasons), I am outraged on your behalfs. It may be occasionally a little tricky and require some extra effort, but most of the time, it isn't that difficult, especially something like GF, where lots is labeled, and there are usually pretty easy alternatives. Seriously, if I knew someone couldn't eat the pretzels, I'd be thrilled to know that Kettle chips or whatever were safe! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyh Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 oh... just wrong. Hugs to you. I would definitely ask dh to have a chat with her about how unkind she is being to your child (not to mention you), then have him ask her why. I would also have him provide a small list of some easily accessible foods at the store that she could get. The evil side of me would want to find out every food she hates, then invite her over for a sit down dinner and only cook those items. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgiana Daniels Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 People are so rude. Especially hard when it's within the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 How to be a good mil? Don't be nuts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmith Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 I always have to make sure I bring something ds can eat to any relatives house. None of them make an effort except my sister. I always try to keep in mind any dietary issues when we have guests, but it seems that not many people do. We always joke about going to my sil's house for a party. We all eat before we go because she never has enough food, and bring our own drinks. Last time I was there for a party I was offered a half empy can of diet Coke to share with ds. We both cannot drink diet soft drinks. Also, the previous owner of said drink drank straight from the can.:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 How to be a good mil? Don't be nuts! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 (edited) :grouphug: I agree with you. It's not that hard. My darling mil and my sil's family go to extraordinary efforts to accommodate ds' lactose intolerance. I have never asked it of them. They specifically make a point to check with me, and they put a lot of effort into it whether it's cooking a certain way or buying dairy-free snacks. Likewise, my sister is severely celiac. When she is in town we don't eat wheat at all. None of us. I stock up on Rice Chex because her kids like it, and I cook only gluten-free while she is here. That's what families do. Edited September 10, 2012 by strider Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: That's not just being a bad MIL, that's just all around rude to have guests over for a meal and not provide food for them in all courses. For a few years my twins were allergic to everything under the sun, and my MIL moved heaven and earth to accommodate them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 I am a mil, and I cannot imagine not accommodating my dils' dietary needs! Or anyone else that was a guest in my home, for that matter. I have a dil that is allergic to several types of foods, and we simply all eat something else when they are here. No big deal! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 It's just one more thing out of a lot of things that keeps reminding me that I am and always will be an *outsider* to them. I've never been truly welcome and I won't be. Ah, well. Like posted above, at least I'm learning what not to do to my future dils. Don't take it personally. Really. My Aunt who was a nurse is older now, and has grandchildren with autism. She just does NOT get it. SHe doesn't. She constantly compares my NT kids to her grandbabies, and she does not comprehend what or how autism changes things. They are not disciplined enough! I share that to say, some people really have no clue. They just really do NOT understand that a potato is not a wheat. And they don't understand that flour is MADE of wheat and bread is MADE of flour... I don't know if that's just the long term effect of being too far from food production, or blissful ignorance... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 I'm sorry, but it sounds intentional to me too. I can understand (well almost) being a Grinch to you the dil, but to her very own grand-kids...no way. It's pretty heartbreaking to watch your kids realize their grandma is that mean. Again, I'm sorry.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjselmk Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 The entire time I have known my MIL there have been a ton of weird food issues. I was a veg. then a vegan, than a meat eater. One of my children became a vegetarian, than we had dairy allergies among the children, we went paleo as a family, then many, many food allergies with my fourth that severely restricted both our diets because of breastfeeding. Eventually many of his allergies cleared up, and just as we were both eating "normal" foods, we decided as a family to revisit paleo and my vegetarian child of 9 years started eating meat again. Currently I am pregnant and eating a gluten free/dairy free diet and my youngest is possibly celiac. Basically we are giant pains in the rear and she has just been an angel the whole time. She goes out of her way to accommodate our food choices and really derives pleasure from being able to creatively come up with alternative choices. We would actually be happy with far less and I feel really guilty about the effort she puts into what she most likely believes is all in our heads. The bottom line though is that she loves us and respects our choices, even if she doesn't agree with them. I hope I can be a mother in law like her instead of one like the OP's! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristyB in TN Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 The entire time I have known my MIL there have been a ton of weird food issues. I was a veg. then a vegan, than a meat eater. One of my children became a vegetarian, than we had dairy allergies among the children, we went paleo as a family, then many, many food allergies with my fourth that severely restricted both our diets because of breastfeeding. Eventually many of his allergies cleared up, and just as we were both eating "normal" foods, we decided as a family to revisit paleo and my vegetarian child of 9 years started eating meat again. Currently I am pregnant and eating a gluten free/dairy free diet and my youngest is possibly celiac. Basically we are giant pains in the rear and she has just been an angel the whole time. She goes out of her way to accommodate our food choices and really derives pleasure from being able to creatively come up with alternative choices. We would actually be happy with far less and I feel really guilty about the effort she puts into what she most likely believes is all in our heads. The bottom line though is that she loves us and respects our choices, even if she doesn't agree with them. I hope I can be a mother in law like her instead of one like the OP's! I want to be like her. I WILL be like her. I swear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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