Writing to Estranged Brother--Am I Crazy??

[PrairieSong]

Warning: this is a long story. My brother and his wife (who is from another country) got married in 1981. A few weeks after the wedding my parents discovered bro & sil were angry with them, esp. with my mother, for "snubbing" my sil's parents. There was a language barrier and only two people to translate. My parents are kind, gracious people and did the best they could. They did not know they were expected to "wine and dine" sil's parents, who stayed in this country for a couple of weeks in the city where bro & sil lived, two hours away from my parents. (In hind sight I think this was an excuse...they were looking for a reason to detach from our family.)

 

My parents tried to talk to my brother and his wife and make things right, but nothing they said or did was the right thing.

 

The next year my brother and his wife moved a few hundred miles away. My brother came to our grandmas' funerals (his wife did not) but they did not come to my sister's wedding in 1987, which hurt her deeply. They did come to my wedding four years before that, which is the LAST TIME I have seen my sister-in-law!!!

 

We have a large, close, extended family, and when relatives visited my brother's state, they would make plans to get together. At the last minute, my brother would always call and give an excuse why they couldn't make it.

 

My husband and I were visiting a nearby city and planned to see my brother, who insisted that he and his wife would come to our hotel. I KNEW he would call and cancel at the last minute, so we drove to their city in the morning and when I knocked on his door, he was very upset, almost paranoid looking. He kept the chain on the door until I finally convinced him to come outside and talk to me. His wife was sleeping. I asked if we could take them to lunch later, but no, that wouldn't work.

 

It's the last time I talked to saw him in person. 1987.

 

A few years later, tragically, our sister committed suicide. She had clinical depression. The day after her funeral, my brother called me very late at night. His number was unlisted, and in trying to contact him about our sister, I had called his wife's sister (who lived in their city). He was returning my call and explaining why he did not come to the funeral. His voice was cold and devoid of emotion, very weird sounding. Apparently the last time he'd been here, after one of our grandma's funerals, he claimed my parents "made him" take a bunch of her furniture. (We were going through grandma's house and they were asking us what we might like to have. He kept saying "ok".) My dad rented him a U-Haul, and on his way home he had a blowout and almost had a wreck. Even though it was EIGHT YEARS later, he was still mad and blaming my dad!!! I told him, I'm very sorry you had a blowout, but that was no one's fault!

 

Then I told him I was sorry for not writing or sending photos of our kids. He told me, don't call me, don't call my relatives, and don't write or send any photos. I said, "Never???" He said, "Well, I won't say never ever." Then, a big, awkward, deafening silence. I said, "Well, I guess this is goodbye."

 

When I hung up I was crying so hard I was shaking. (We had just buried my sister so of course I was emotional!) I called my dad, who was still awake, and he talked to me, gave me soothing, calming words and affirmed his love for me. He told me not to let brother's craziness get to me.

 

When my grandma was alive, she said (about his wife), "Some people just don't like to share." SO TRUE. She didn't want to share him with us, for whatever reason. It threatened her??? I don't think he has many, perhaps not any, friends, though he is a professional with a good job.

 

My brother has always been highly impressionable and easily swayed. I think she has totally taken advantage of this, but I doubt he can see it. They have wrapped themselves in a cocoon of bitterness and dug themselves into a hole so deep they cannot see light.

 

I was very hurt by our last conversation, but I refuse to be bitter the way he is. He is NOT well, emotionally. When our mother died a few years ago, we had no number for him and had to contact the police to notify him. He did not send a card or acknowledge her passing in any way. A few weeks later I wrote him a long letter explaining Mom's illness and final years. He wrote back three sentences, basically: "We received your letter. Please accept sincere condolences from both of us. We hope you are doing well." (very strange sounding, considering she was HIS mother, too!!) I was shocked he wrote at all.

 

Maybe I am crazy, but I keep wanting to write to him again, and send photos of his nieces and nephews (see in my sig line) whom he does not know. He saw the oldest two when they were very little, and she has not seen any of them! Is this nuts or what??? I am not expecting anything from him, but I'm seeking some kind of closure.

 

If I write and he does not answer, I will let it lie after that.

 

Opinions? What would you do??? Am I crazy??? Sorry so long.

Edited August 13, 2012 by PrairieSong
clarification

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm sorry but I think he has made his wishes clear. I know that you can't understand why he is doing this and I can't either, but it is what he has done and is what he wishes.

[Mrs Mungo]

If anything? I would send updates when we move with a note, "the door is open for you." You cannot force him to have a relationship with you, no matter how much it hurts. :(

 

Edited for typo. :P

Edited August 13, 2012 by Mrs Mungo

[PrairieSong]

I'm sorry but I think he has made his wishes clear. I know that you can't understand why he is doing this and I can't either, but it is what he has done and is what he wishes.

 

Jean, I think you are right. I am not expecting anything from him. For some reason, though, I want to do it for me. But...maybe I should drop the whole idea.

 

I AM wondering what we (my remaining brother and me) should do when our dad, who is in his 80's, passes away.

[Susann]

I'm sorry but I think he has made his wishes clear. I know that you can't understand why he is doing this and I can't either, but it is what he has done and is what he wishes.

:iagree:

[PrairieSong]

If anything? I would send updates when we move with a note, "there door is open for you." You cannot force him to have a relationship with you, no matter how much it hurts. :(

 

Nope, can't force him to do anything. Only he can choose what he does. When I wrote to him after Mom died, I did put my phone #'s and email address at the end. And as I said, I was shocked he wrote at all, even if it was a short, weird reply.

[PrairieSong]

One other thought. Years ago I saw some show about passive aggressive behavior. I shouted out, "THAT'S MY BROTHER! THAT'S WHAT HE DOES!" He would never tell us what he wanted, and neither would she, but whatever we did would be the wrong thing. That isn't the whole story, but I think it is part of his problem.

 

I feel sad for him. I think he has a small, unhappy life.

[dansamy]

If it makes you feel better, you can write the letters, put in the pictures, etc. You can give them to your husband and ask him to "mail" them for you.

[PrairieSong]

If it makes you feel better, you can write the letters, put in the pictures, etc. You can give them to your husband and ask him to "mail" them for you.

 

You mean pretend I'm sending them? Why would I give them to my husband if I know they aren't being mailed anyway? Sorry if I'm being dense and not getting your point.

 

It is therapeutic for me to write things down. I've written plenty of letters over the years that I never intended to mail.

[Dobela]

I would send the cards. Someday he may be left a widower and realize he was wrong and wants to be in contact again. I would do it just so he will know where you are. My dh had a brother that was very estranged from the family for many years. One sister worked very hard to keep up with his whereabouts and to maintain this one sided relationship. Finally, one day, he just showed up at her door. The family was able to have a somewhat ackward relationship for the next few years before he died unexpectedly. He only felt comfortable coming back because she had kept saying in a nonpressured way that she loved him and wanted him to know about her family. She never tried to give a guilt trip. It was always, "hey, I am thinking about you, love you and thought you would love to hear the latest about my family."

 

He may not ever come back into the family, but he just might.

[Word Nerd]

I don't think it's crazy to cling to hope or want to make one final attempt to let him know you still care. :grouphug: It may help you get closure and let go, even though it would also open you up to more pain and rejection.

[Pink Fairy]

I would just let him go, and stop thinking about it or worrying about it. I'm sure you have a million things that you could focus on, why waste it on him? I guess I don't understand.

[PrairieSong]

I would send the cards. Someday he may be left a widower and realize he was wrong and wants to be in contact again. I would do it just so he will know where you are. My dh had a brother that was very estranged from the family for many years. One sister worked very hard to keep up with his whereabouts and to maintain this one sided relationship. Finally, one day, he just showed up at her door. The family was able to have a somewhat ackward relationship for the next few years before he died unexpectedly. He only felt comfortable coming back because she had kept saying in a nonpressured way that she loved him and wanted him to know about her family. She never tried to give a guilt trip. It was always, "hey, I am thinking about you, love you and thought you would love to hear the latest about my family."

 

He may not ever come back into the family, but he just might.

 

Yes, this. The bolded part is exactly what I want to do, if I decide to do it at all.

[PrairieSong]

I don't think it's crazy to cling to hope or want to make one final attempt to let him know you still care. :grouphug: It may help you get closure and let go, even though it would also open you up to more pain and rejection.

 

I don't feel like I'm opening myself up to more pain because:

 

#1 He hurt me like I'd never been hurt before and I survived.

 

#2 I am not expecting anything from him. I will be surprised if he responds at all. If he does, it will likely be very short like before.

[PrairieSong]

I would just let him go, and stop thinking about it or worrying about it. I'm sure you have a million things that you could focus on, why waste it on him? I guess I don't understand.

 

Sometimes I don't understand it myself, my desire to write to him again, but it keeps coming to my mind and won't go away. I don't spend hours thinking about it...it's just this niggling thing in the back of my mind.

[justamouse]

Send the letter. Make it full of your love and hope. Put pictures of the kids in it for him, and tell him that he is always welcome to call and be a part of your lives.

 

You *never* know what is going on inside people. Never. And that letter may be the crack of light that shows him that no matter what, family is about love. He will always have a place there.

 

You all know the truth, she's twisted him--or blinded him, and hopefully, one day he'll be able to see again. It would be a shame if he thought he had no where to turn.

 

Also, HAVING a family to go home to could give him the courage to make big life decisions.

 

Loving people is so hard. It opens us up to so much hurt. :grouphug:

[justamouse]

Sometimes I don't understand it myself, my desire to write to him again, but it keeps coming to my mind and won't go away. I don't spend hours thinking about it...it's just this niggling thing in the back of my mind.

 

Then that means that you SHOULD do it. That is your conscience telling you to write the letter.

[2cents]

I'm sorry but I think he has made his wishes clear. I know that you can't understand why he is doing this and I can't either, but it is what he has done and is what he wishes.

:iagree:

[TechWife]

Maybe I am crazy, but I keep wanting to write to him again, and send photos of his nieces and nephews (see in my sig line) whom he does not know. He saw the oldest two when they were very little, and she has not seen any of them! Is this nuts or what??? I am not expecting anything from him, but I'm seeking some kind of closure.

 

My brother was a reclusive alcoholic and isolated himself from our family for many years before he died. I saw him the day before he died for the first time in 16 years. I had last seen him my wedding weekend. I have a lot of regrets about our relationship, but the biggest one I have was that I did not make an effort to keep a relationship going even though he did not want to be around us. It would have been no problem to send him pictures, a Christmas card, or to write him short notes on postcards a couple of times a year.

 

So yes, I recommend that you write him if you want to, send pictures if you want to. Be the best sister to him that you can be under the circumstances. You may very well have a lopsided relationship, but I don't think you'll regret doing what your heart is leading you to do.

 

Do your best not to expect anything from him (this will be hard, I think). You may only contact him this one time, you may decide to send him a Christmas or Birthday card every year - it's up to you.

 

You said in your post that you wanted some closure - I'm not sure what you mean by that, unless you want to have a sit down talk with him about his isolation from the family. If that is the case, then build consider trying to rebuild your relationship slowly and earn each other's trust to work up to that type of conversation. It may take years for this to happen and as hard as it seems, it may never happen. Work on maintaining your personal boundaries throughout your contact with him, and don't forget to continue to build relationships with the family you still have around you.

 

I wish you peace.

[PollyOR]

I would write. Leave the door open. :grouphug:

[TechWife]

Finally, one day, he just showed up at her door. The family was able to have a somewhat ackward relationship for the next few years before he died unexpectedly. He only felt comfortable coming back because she had kept saying in a nonpressured way that she loved him and wanted him to know about her family. She never tried to give a guilt trip. It was always, "hey, I am thinking about you, love you and thought you would love to hear the latest about my family."

 

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

[meggie]

I think you should do it, for all the reasons Justamouse said.

 

Plus, what's the worst that could happen? He'll get so mad he won't talk to you anymore? That won't change anything. What's the best that could happen? He's changed his mind and decides to talk to you all again.

 

I don't know what to do about when your father dies. Make sure he's updated his will and you siblings can try to contact your brother. Whether he comes or not is up to him.

[PrairieSong]

Send the letter. Make it full of your love and hope. Put pictures of the kids in it for him, and tell him that he is always welcome to call and be a part of your lives.

 

You *never* know what is going on inside people. Never. And that letter may be the crack of light that shows him that no matter what, family is about love. He will always have a place there.

 

You all know the truth, she's twisted him--or blinded him, and hopefully, one day he'll be able to see again. It would be a shame if he thought he had no where to turn.

 

Also, HAVING a family to go home to could give him the courage to make big life decisions.

 

Loving people is so hard. It opens us up to so much hurt. :grouphug:

 

Exactly. I know he is twisted up inside, but I have been so out of touch with him that I do NOT know what is going on with him, or with her. We can only guess.

 

They do not have children. They coudn't. I think, what would happen if his wife died? Her parents were older than ours, so I think they might be gone now. Her only sister never had children, so he does not have much family of hers. Our family would be the only family he may have someday.

[PrairieSong]

My brother was a reclusive alcoholic and isolated himself from our family for many years before he died. I saw him the day before he died for the first time in 16 years. I had last seen him my wedding weekend. I have a lot of regrets about our relationship, but the biggest one I have was that I did not make an effort to keep a relationship going even though he did not want to be around us. It would have been no problem to send him pictures, a Christmas card, or to write him short notes on postcards a couple of times a year.

 

So yes, I recommend that you write him if you want to, send pictures if you want to. Be the best sister to him that you can be under the circumstances. You may very well have a lopsided relationship, but I don't think you'll regret doing what your heart is leading you to do.

 

Do your best not to expect anything from him (this will be hard, I think). You may only contact him this one time, you may decide to send him a Christmas or Birthday card every year - it's up to you.

 

You said in your post that you wanted some closure - I'm not sure what you mean by that, unless you want to have a sit down talk with him about his isolation from the family. If that is the case, then build consider trying to rebuild your relationship slowly and earn each other's trust to work up to that type of conversation. It may take years for this to happen and as hard as it seems, it may never happen. Work on maintaining your personal boundaries throughout your contact with him, and don't forget to continue to build relationships with the family you still have around you.

 

I wish you peace.

 

Techwife, THANK YOU for sharing your story about your brother. I am so sorry he is not around anymore, for a very sad reason. You wrote some beautiful words which I will take to heart.

[PIE!]

Go ahead and write. If he doesn't want contact he can always just throw your letter away. It's not intrusive. As long as you're not expecting anything on his end it can't do any harm.

[PrairieSong]

I think you should do it, for all the reasons Justamouse said.

 

Plus, what's the worst that could happen? He'll get so mad he won't talk to you anymore? That won't change anything. What's the best that could happen? He's changed his mind and decides to talk to you all again.

 

I don't know what to do about when your father dies. Make sure he's updated his will and you siblings can try to contact your brother. Whether he comes or not is up to him.

 

Yes, exactly. My 19yo son said to me, "What have you got to lose?" Nothing really. I don't have a relationship with him NOW, so there's nothing to lose.

[PrairieSong]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my long story and reply, whether you agreed with me wanting to write to my brother or not. I appreciate all of your opinions and have read each response.

[Farrar]

I think you should only do it if you can really do it for yourself, not out of any hope that you reestablish a relationship.

[Embassy]

I'd do it. It sounds like your brother is cold towards you, but not hostile. It has been many years. I think it may be good to have that kind of contact.

 

My brother is recently estranged (like 2 years) and last time I contacted him he cursed at me and told me he never wanted me to contact him again (because I am part of a family that he wants to cut off). I let him know the door was open when he was ready. I don't know if or when it will be, but it sounds like in your situation it might be a good time to send a letter. Nothing may come of it, but at least he will know the door is open.

[PrairieSong]

I think you should only do it if you can really do it for yourself, not out of any hope that you reestablish a relationship.

 

Farrar, I honestly do not expect him to do anything. MAYBE send a very short note, but if he did anything more than that, I would be very surprised.

[besroma]

I would write. Leave the door open. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[PrairieSong]

I'd do it. It sounds like your brother is cold towards you, but not hostile. It has been many years. I think it may be good to have that kind of contact.

 

My brother is recently estranged (like 2 years) and last time I contacted him he cursed at me and told me he never wanted me to contact him again (because I am part of a family that he wants to cut off). I let him know the door was open when he was ready. I don't know if or when it will be, but it sounds like in your situation it might be a good time to send a letter. Nothing may come of it, but at least he will know the door is open.

 

Yes. I do want him to know that I care, whether he acknowledges it or not.

[WishboneDawn]

I would just let him go, and stop thinking about it or worrying about it. I'm sure you have a million things that you could focus on, why waste it on him? I guess I don't understand.

 

:confused: He's her brother. How can she simply stop worrying?

[Susan in KY]

Then that means that you SHOULD do it. That is your conscience telling you to write the letter.

:iagree:I think you should write him, just to let yourself know that you did what you could do. At any rate, he seems to have been willing to communicate with you on some level or other. I think you should write him the letter you want to write. If he doesn't respond, at least you won't wonder about it. :grouphug:

[OrganicAnn]

I would write him short notes (whether yearly or more/less often is up to you). If I had an estranged brother, I would like to think that I could give little fascinating or humorous anecdotes about my family that might draw him in, but realistically it is not likely. I would respect his wishes if he responds that he doesn't want your to send him any letters. I wouldn't push, but I would probably try.

[catz]

If you want to and feel drawn to do it, go ahead. I'd keep it brief and try not to have any expectations. Just think of it as leaving a door open just in case. :grouphug:

[Lawana]

:confused: He's her brother. How can she simply stop worrying?

Believe me, there are families and situations where that is altogether possible.

 

Patty, I have lived through a version of what you are going through. The difference being that when one relative sent greeting cards to the children of the estranged adult family member, they were cut in two and returned by mail. At that point, the relative, for her emotional preservation, discontinued attempts at contact. If you have it in your heart to send brief, chatty communications periodically, I would do so. In our case, even the hateful, venomous adult eventually came around to the point a civil relationship was possible.

[PrairieSong]

Believe me, there are families and situations where that is altogether possible.

 

Patty, I have lived through a version of what you are going through. The difference being that when one relative sent greeting cards to the children of the estranged adult family member, they were cut in two and returned by mail. At that point, the relative, for her emotional preservation, discontinued attempts at contact. If you have it in your heart to send brief, chatty communications periodically, I would do so. In our case, even the hateful, venomous adult eventually came around to the point a civil relationship was possible.

 

Lawana, my mother used to send him presents and cards. He started sending the cards back, unopened, and he wrote to her not to send any more presents because they just sat in the closet, unused. She eventually respected his wishes. It did break her heart. I wonder if he has deep regret about the fact that she is gone now, and he never reconciled. I am guessing...can't know for sure...that he may bury those feelings.

 

I am kind of glad they never had children, because it would be that much more painful for my parents to be cut off from grandchildren, and us from nieces and nephews.

 

I am glad for you and your family, that your relationship was re-established with the estranged family member.

[kalanamak]

I suspect he has paranoid personality disorder, and having a wife he trusts may be all he can do. If his paranoia hasn't polluted your life in any material way, be thankful. And keep in mind these people are harried and tortured from within. It is very sad, but you are helpless against what is in their mind, and any attempts to "help" will be seen as an attack by him.

 

:grouphug:

[Jennifer3141]

I wonder, is it possible your brother is involved in a cult or something? Don't most cults work that way - cut people apart from their support system entirely?

 

Is there any reason your brother would cut his parents and siblings out of his life forever? Is it possible he looks at his childhood very differently than you?

 

If something is occupying the back of your mind, I say go for it. You have nothing left to lose - he's a terrible brother right now anyway. But I might think on it and close the door on the relationship if there is no response after this. But I'm a closure person. You don't get back in with me after months/years of neglect. Everyone operates on that level differently.

[Lawana]

Lawana, my mother used to send him presents and cards. He started sending the cards back, unopened, and he wrote to her not to send any more presents because they just sat in the closet, unused. She eventually respected his wishes. It did break her heart. I wonder if he has deep regret about the fact that she is gone now, and he never reconciled. I am guessing...can't know for sure...that he may bury those feelings.

 

I am kind of glad they never had children, because it would be that much more painful for my parents to be cut off from grandchildren, and us from nieces and nephews.

 

I am glad for you and your family, that your relationship was re-established with the estranged family member.

Yes, that is painful, on all parts. Your brother may accept things from you that he wouldn't from his mother, however. There is risk involved either way. If you send nothing, he may conclude you don't care. If you do send letters, he may think you are bothering him. Only you can decide which risk you are willing to take.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

There is more to our family's intrigues, involving the sibling that had to be cut off by us, because s/he insisted on using terrorist tactics to extort money. You have my full sympathies.

[Kathryn]

Send the letter. Make it full of your love and hope. Put pictures of the kids in it for him, and tell him that he is always welcome to call and be a part of your lives.

 

You *never* know what is going on inside people. Never. And that letter may be the crack of light that shows him that no matter what, family is about love. He will always have a place there.

 

You all know the truth, she's twisted him--or blinded him, and hopefully, one day he'll be able to see again. It would be a shame if he thought he had no where to turn.

 

Also, HAVING a family to go home to could give him the courage to make big life decisions.

 

Loving people is so hard. It opens us up to so much hurt. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: I'd go for it. You don't have anything to lose.

[Little Nyssa]

I think I would send a yearly note, say at Christmas, if you usually send people cards. I wouldn't expect any return, just to let him know that "the door is open" as PPs have said. And you would have to be comfortable not expecting any reply.

 

I don't think it's wise to look for "closure." You may not get it. Because, if you send what you think is one last note and he does not answer, how will you feel in 2 years? 5 years? Won't you feel like trying again, for what seems like one last time, again?

 

I'm sorry for this really painful situation you are in.:grouphug:

[jelbe5]

:grouphug:

 

I am so sorry.

 

I think there is something seriously wrong with your brother and sil.

 

I think you do need closure, but not directly from him. He has already made his decision very very clear.

 

(Gently) Why would you wish to put yourself in such a vulnerable place again and expect a different outcome?

 

If I were in this situation I would turn my attention to loving, extended family and friends. I am sorry . . . :grouphug:

Edited August 13, 2012 by jelbe5

[PrairieSong]

I wonder, is it possible your brother is involved in a cult or something? Don't most cults work that way - cut people apart from their support system entirely?

 

Is there any reason your brother would cut his parents and siblings out of his life forever? Is it possible he looks at his childhood very differently than you?

 

If something is occupying the back of your mind, I say go for it. You have nothing left to lose - he's a terrible brother right now anyway. But I might think on it and close the door on the relationship if there is no response after this. But I'm a closure person. You don't get back in with me after months/years of neglect. Everyone operates on that level differently.

 

Jennifer, I don't have any reason to believe he is in a cult. Yes, cults do work that way, but all the evidence in this case points to his wife taking advantage of his easily-influenced nature. I think she has her own reasons for not wanting to have us in her life, whether she is aware of those reasons or not. I think she has manipulated him, and he has let himself be manipulated. Again, I doubt he sees it this way.

 

Also, he has always been one to have a chip on his shoulder, to hold grudges for years, and to see people/situations as very black or white. Obviously we're not on the "white list" anymore. He was always the one who, in college for example, would drive to visit grandparents and even great aunts and uncles and second cousins, people the rest of us only saw at family reunions or weddings, etc.

 

I think he is going along with his wife's wishes to keep the peace, to keep the relationship intact, the only relationship I think he may have at this point, other than working relationships with his colleagues. I also think he somehow needs to hold onto his anger. It does go along with his "chip on the shoulder" personality.

[godsaggie]

Wow...that is very bizarre behavior. I would go ahead and mail the letter and pictures to him. Then he can't accuse you of leaving him out of everything.

 

:grouphug:

[Jennifer3141]

Patty, it just seems so weird to me that someone would write people out of his/her life unless something was wrong, KWIM? It sounds like your brother has some sort of mental illness, not just that he's got a chip on his shoulder. He really sounds ill. Please make very sure you can handle the repercussions of his re-entry into your life!! :grouphug:

[Hen]

PrairieMom,

 

I am so sorry, what a sad situation. I have a suggestion, go ahead and write, but send it to him at his work. I am wondering if his wife controls the communication he sends back, you said his words were so cold after your mom passed, I'm wondering if the wife wrote it or told him what to write. I'd send it to his workplace, he might be able to read it and process his own feelings away from his wife's control.

[PrairieSong]

I think I would send a yearly note, say at Christmas, if you usually send people cards. I wouldn't expect any return, just to let him know that "the door is open" as PPs have said. And you would have to be comfortable not expecting any reply.

 

I don't think it's wise to look for "closure." You may not get it. Because, if you send what you think is one last note and he does not answer, how will you feel in 2 years? 5 years? Won't you feel like trying again, for what seems like one last time, again?

 

I'm sorry for this really painful situation you are in.:grouphug:

 

LittleNyssa, I'm not expecting anything from him, honestly, after barely any contact for years. I wrote to him four years ago, after our mother died, and received a three-sentence reply. I haven't been dwelling on it all this time. Only recently have I had this internal nudging to write him again. If he would do something like write and tell me not to contact him, or send back a letter unopened, I'd have my answer. And I wouldn't be surprised since he did that to my mother before.

[PrairieSong]

Patty, it just seems so weird to me that someone would write people out of his/her life unless something was wrong, KWIM? It sounds like your brother has some sort of mental illness, not just that he's got a chip on his shoulder. He really sounds ill. Please make very sure you can handle the repercussions of his re-entry into your life!! :grouphug:

 

Well, I definitely think he needs counseling! I doubt if he is getting that, since it is everyone ELSE..mainly our parents...who is causing the problems. It is twisted thinking/emotional damage of some kind. I am no psychologist. However, this DOES happen to many families, and it's not always a mental illness. It's anger, misunderstanding, bitterness, etc. In my brother's case, their stories snowball out of proportion, I think. I imagine them hashing over things and building them up over time, like the story about my dad causing him to have a wreck, because he rented a U-Haul for him and my brother had a blowout on the way home. Just blown way out of proportion till it made no sense.

 

It COULD be mental illness. I'm not ruling out anything.