CalicoKat Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 A homeschooling mom/friend lost her battle to cancer this week. They just announced the funeral is tomorrow at 6 p.m. 250 miles away from my current location. It's also my birthday tomorrow. I know my kids & husband have planned surprises for me. If I go to the funeral I will be away all day and the next. They can probably reschedule their birthday plans for me. I am torn. She & I weren't super close, but we did do lunches and team teach together. There was a falling out with the whole group at the end that was ugly. But she and I maintained minimal contact. When she got her diagnosis it was the month before we moved. I haven't seen her in almost 2 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Which would make you feel worse to miss? Sometimes I flip a coin to see what decision to make. If I am unhappy about the toss, I go with the other one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 (edited) Boy that's tough. My personal thoughts would be to go to the funeral. It means so much to people to know that their loved one was loved. You never regret going to a funeral but you can regret not going. My FIL and Grandmother-in-law both died around DD's birthday a year apart. Relatives actually scheduled GMIL's funeral on DD's birthday (I was ticked off!) but we went and made her big celebration the weekend after. I know there's no comparison between family and a distant friend but birthday's can be postponed a bit and funerals can't. Edited July 30, 2012 by aggieamy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Wow. That is tough. Would it make a difference to her family if you came? Her husband....any of her kids? Sometimes it helps the children of the deceased aren't so much to see a familiar face at times like that. Will you regret it more if you don't go, or if you reschedule the birthday celebration? Could it possibly be a healing time if you go (after the falling out)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbeym Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 This may make me sound like a horrible person, but honestly, I wouldn't go. Not because of the birthday itself, but it's an out of town funeral for a person that you haven't seen in multiple years and had minimal contact with. Send flowers or a plant or a charity donation to the family with your condolences and thoughts/prayers and enjoy your birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I would stay home and send a hand written sympathy letter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 A few thoughts: If all you want to do is pay your respects, you can send flowers or whatever else the family has requested. If you had minimal contact with her, do you feel a sense of obligation to attend the funeral? If not and it's just the above statement, then that is easy to follow through with. How will your family feel about postponing? If you are really feeling led to go, your family should understand that sometimes bad things happen. The funeral cannot be postponed but your birthday celebration can. If they don't feel you really want to go, they'll feel bad that you will end up doing something you don't want to do. I'm not sure if that makes sense. :grouphug: This isn't necessarily an easy decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 This may make me sound like a horrible person, but honestly, I wouldn't go. Not because of the birthday itself, but it's an out of town funeral for a person that you haven't seen in multiple years and had minimal contact with. Send flowers or a plant or a charity donation to the family with your condolences and thoughts/prayers and enjoy your birthday. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 This may make me sound like a horrible person, but honestly, I wouldn't go. Not because of the birthday itself, but it's an out of town funeral for a person that you haven't seen in multiple years and had minimal contact with. Send flowers or a plant or a charity donation to the family with your condolences and thoughts/prayers and enjoy your birthday. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 This may make me sound like a horrible person, but honestly, I wouldn't go. Not because of the birthday itself, but it's an out of town funeral for a person that you haven't seen in multiple years and had minimal contact with. Send flowers or a plant or a charity donation to the family with your condolences and thoughts/prayers and enjoy your birthday. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 This may make me sound like a horrible person, but honestly, I wouldn't go. Not because of the birthday itself, but it's an out of town funeral for a person that you haven't seen in multiple years and had minimal contact with. Send flowers or a plant or a charity donation to the family with your condolences and thoughts/prayers and enjoy your birthday. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I think I would send a flower arrangement and a card to the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnificent_baby Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Like previous posters, I would celebrate your birthday instead. Send a nice letter/card or another nice gesture that can be done another time. Sometimes people are in such a fog, they do not notice who is not there, especially if you were not super close with her. In honor of your friend, spend time with your own family; life is so short. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Like previous posters, I would celebrate your birthday instead. Send a nice letter/card or another nice gesture that can be done another time. Sometimes people are in such a fog, they do not notice who is not there, especially if you were not super close with her. In honor of your friend, spend time with your own family; life is so short. :iagree: I think you are really sweet to even consider going. An overnight funeral trip is a huge time and financial commitment. I don't mean to seem awful but unless you being there significantly helps someone it won't be worth it. Now if it is a trip where you will spend time with old friends and family while attending the funeral.......maybe worthwhile.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted July 30, 2012 Author Share Posted July 30, 2012 This may make me sound like a horrible person, but honestly, I wouldn't go. Not because of the birthday itself, but it's an out of town funeral for a person that you haven't seen in multiple years and had minimal contact with. Send flowers or a plant or a charity donation to the family with your condolences and thoughts/prayers and enjoy your birthday. OK, I'm sending flowers & a card. This made sense to me. It's more than nothing and less than a road trip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I would stay home and send a hand written sympathy letter. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 A funeral is about those left, and it does not seem like you are close with them. You can honor your friendship by keeping her in your thoughts while you celebrate with your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 WW*I*D? I would not drive 250 miles for the funeral of someone with whom I was not close. :grouphug: ----- ETA: Oops, now I see your update. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 :iagree: This may make me sound like a horrible person, but honestly, I wouldn't go. Not because of the birthday itself, but it's an out of town funeral for a person that you haven't seen in multiple years and had minimal contact with. Send flowers or a plant or a charity donation to the family with your condolences and thoughts/prayers and enjoy your birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I wouldn't travel 250 miles for a funeral unless I was really close to someone -- family or a very close friend. Enjoy your birthday, enjoy your family, enjoy your life. You can find another way to honor your friend and her family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4Hisglory Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I have made this decision before. Her funeral was on a day I had planned an adventure with my children and honestly I felt that if she was able she would tell me to enjoy that precious time with my family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted July 30, 2012 Author Share Posted July 30, 2012 Wow. That is tough. Would it make a difference to her family if you came? Her husband....any of her kids? Sometimes it helps the children of the deceased aren't so much to see a familiar face at times like that. Will you regret it more if you don't go, or if you reschedule the birthday celebration? Could it possibly be a healing time if you go (after the falling out)? I know the kids better than her husband. Right after her diagnosis she called and said, "When I heard that I had cancer my first thought was I have to apologize to CalicoKat." She did. The distance this year was purely geographical. I called her this spring and mailed her a shawl I'd made when she finished her first course of chemo. It was OK between us several months before she passed away. She had less than a year after her diagnosis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I know the kids better than her husband. Then I would make my decision based on how meaningful it would be to her children. If you are someone with whom the children had a close relationship, along with their mother, before the move and fallout, I would probably go. If going would mostly bring up memories of the falling out, or if the relationship was mostly with their mom, I would stay home and send flowers along with a letter filled with your fond memories of the times you spent with them and their mother. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Either way you choose, if you choose thoughtfully then you will be making a right decision. Please don't feel that if you make the decision not to go that it will somehow be a wrong choice. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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