rdj2027 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 No, our children need to go where they want to/need to be. Between me immigrating to the US and my husband having been on active duty for over twenty years we haven't lived close to family for a long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 At this point in my life then my feeling is that I would be very hurt and regretful. We raised our family in isolation from family and it was hard and lonely and a huge regret. Not sure how we could have done it differently as my family lives in a country I did not want to bring dh to (racism and little opportunity) and his family lived in a country that had an oppressive regime so he did not wish to live there. I guess we should have settled for something closer to both Denmark and Syria like perhaps Turkey or a place like Qatar, but we only thought language barriers and then I hate heat so did not want to entertain the Arabian Peninsula. We lived in Japan and then here in the States. Now with the Revolution in Syria, then I can't wait to go back and take care of my mother in law and let my children live with her. Life is short and we missed so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I'm sure the physical time spent is important, but it doesn't mean you can't have a close relationship. My kids have a very good/close relationship with my parents, with frequent phone calls, then Skype and now FaceTime and email. We visit my parents for a month every year, but otherwise they are in touch through those other means several times a week. A lot depends, imo, on the individual parent and grandparent, but I don't think it's right to say that because you live far away you can't have much of a relationship. :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Would you feel slighted if your adult child moved away? I'd understand it in certain circumstances, but not all. Moved away? Not so much slighted; there's a time for that, and in some cases a genuine need to spend time away growing into oneself ... taking advantage of opportunities and youth - great experiences. Settled down permanently away? Absolutely, yes. I'd feel slighted, hurt, and probably offended. It would likely mean he's prioritized something else over family. If it's a spouse's family, no offense taken; if it's a career, some offense taken - depends largely on the career type and length. I'm investing time and energy into my children, and I expect some return on that investment. Namely, I expect they put time and energy back into our family. Whilst not impossible if they settled permanently away, highly unlikely to happen to my satisfaction. I have different cultural expectations than what I've read of others on this thread. I grew up in a multi-generational home, and my kids currently live in one. I don't expect my children to live with me as married adults (though I'd prefer it!), but I do expect to be a frequent and regular presence in the lives of my grandchildren. I'd be particularly offended if my children lived away from both sets of grandparents and paid strangers to help raise the grandkids. That's inexcusable, to me. Signed, The Lone Dissenter :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 (edited) I guess I am just of the mind that family is more important than anything else. Jobs and money and houses and things like that come and go... time with family is my top priority. No, I agree with you. It's why we won't move, and why my parents haven't moved. We both grew up in our grandparents houses, and it was something beyond special in our lives. We want to provide that for our own kids. I don't think we're as self sustaining as we'd like to believe we are. Individualism can also wound. It's painful to wake up and realize we really can't live well in isolation. Read Bowling ALone. We've lost community in our country, and that's a direct result of losing family. Edited July 30, 2012 by justamouse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 It's not something to take personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Signed, The Lone Dissenter :D I'll keep you company! I'm not sure I'd be offended if my children settled far from us, but I would be hurt, just as I am hurt that my mother has not been enthusiastic about moving near to us (political and economic realities meant that we moved and would have liked her to join us). I believe that the nuclear family is a failure of society, and really admire cultures which have maintained closer links within extended families. We live opposite an elderly Italian couple who migrated here as young adults -their 4 or 5 children are around for dinner most Fridays, with spouses and children. It's really beautiful to see all the cousins together and know our neighbours get to see their children and grandchildren regularly. I loved growing up in the same city as my extended family and meeting for celebrations a few times a year. I like my privacy, and respect my children's privacy and independence, but the thought of the emotional distance that comes with physical distance makes me sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I was a bit hurt when my *parents* chose to move 13 hours away from *us*. 12 years later, I try not to dwell on it, but I still get upset once in a while. I'd like for my kids to stay close by, but I imagine life will present a few opportunities that are too good to pass up in the name of saved airfare! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 We live 3,000 miles away from our families and we are regularly punished.:) I would be the opposite of mad if my girls chose to live far away. I hope they want to have adventures and broaden their horizons! And hopefully we'll be in the position to come visit often! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 We will probably try to move closer to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edelweiss Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I would be the opposite of mad if my girls chose to live far away. I hope they want to have adventures and broaden their horizons! And hopefully we'll be in the position to come visit often! That's how I feel! I will be upset if they end up staying here, I think. I can't imagine them limiting their worlds to what we have here. :confused: I will be super-excited to visit them wherever they live. (Yea! Some more adventures for me too!) I think it is super important for them to separate from us and forge their own paths. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I'd understand it in certain circumstances, but not all. Moved away? Not so much slighted; there's a time for that, and in some cases a genuine need to spend time away growing into oneself ... taking advantage of opportunities and youth - great experiences. Settled down permanently away? Absolutely, yes. I'd feel slighted, hurt, and probably offended. It would likely mean he's prioritized something else over family. If it's a spouse's family, no offense taken; if it's a career, some offense taken - depends largely on the career type and length. I'm investing time and energy into my children, and I expect some return on that investment. Namely, I expect they put time and energy back into our family. Whilst not impossible if they settled permanently away, highly unlikely to happen to my satisfaction. I have different cultural expectations than what I've read of others on this thread. I grew up in a multi-generational home, and my kids currently live in one. I don't expect my children to live with me as married adults (though I'd prefer it!), but I do expect to be a frequent and regular presence in the lives of my grandchildren. I'd be particularly offended if my children lived away from both sets of grandparents and paid strangers to help raise the grandkids. That's inexcusable, to me. Signed, The Lone Dissenter :D I would like to feel this way. I think family is so important. But it seems being this way as the parent (obviously, from this thread) is just culturally unacceptable in this society. We lived near my parents and they moved 13 hours away. Then we moved near dh's parents and within a year, they moved 10 hours away. Both say "we should have moved with them" but it wasn't possible at the time. We had to follow a job and since they just up and left it was clear they weren't making it a priority to help us or be near us. We have gotten major guilt trips from both sides, but we had to move with a job and that landed us all the way across the country from both sets. :( It's been hard to be so far from family. We are raising a large family with no involvement from any grandparents at all, except for occasional (like once a year) visits. It's certainly not ideal. I wish people in our culture made living near family MORE of a priority. I wouldn't be personally offended if my children moved far away, but I would be sad for them and for me. If they all move in different directions, I couldn't follow each of them so I hope we can "set up shop" somewhere all together, or nearby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Culture obviously has a huge impact on how the issue is viewed. I admit to flinching when reading about a pp hoping for a 'return on investment' w/her kids, b/c MIL uses similar terms to attempt to guilt, manipulate, and emotionally blackmail us. I honestly don't have any experience w/a healthy FOO, so no idea what that would actually look like, the expectation of living near by w/out the negative pressure and emotions. B/c I associate it w/such negativity, it's what makes me determined to support my kids in whatever decisions they make as adults, where ever that may lead them. Love them, yes. Miss them, absolutely...but our experiences will have us steering far away from anything that could possibly be seen as echoing what we've gone through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Culture obviously has a huge impact on how the issue is viewed. I admit to flinching when reading about a pp hoping for a 'return on investment' w/her kids, b/c MIL uses similar terms to attempt to guilt, manipulate, and emotionally blackmail us. I honestly don't have any experience w/a healthy FOO, so no idea what that would actually look like, the expectation of living near by w/out the negative pressure and emotions. B/c I associate it w/such negativity, it's what makes me determined to support my kids in whatever decisions they make as adults, where ever that may lead them. Love them, yes. Miss them, absolutely...but our experiences will have us steering far away from anything that could possibly be seen as echoing what we've gone through. I understand that. I do not, however, think it is right to feel that one way or the other is "wrong." It is very much a cultural thing. People all over the world have lived with or near family from the beginning of time. Going off on one's own is a very modern development and not something that is necessarily "superior" to the other way, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I'm having visions of selling our house, buying an RV and "following" our children around the country. If we spend one month near each of our five children twice a year, that leaves 2 months out of the year when dh and I can go wherever we want. DH is 53. Our eldest child is only nine, our youngest is almost 5, so we still have plenty of time to make decisions and dream. I believe in fostering our children's dreams and independence, but we also want to give them the knowledge that our family is still a familty even after they are adults. I want my future grandchildren to know and love us, but I know I don't want to be taken for granted. I want our visits to be anticipated with joy! I also don't want to irritate the heck out of our future sons and daughters in law, hence the RV rather than requesting a guest room in their homes. Did I mention that I love to travel and that I can hardly wait to have people to visist on a regular basis? We are very home-bound now because we have chosen to live on a small farm, but as soon as it makes sense to do so, we are outta here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I had the opportunity for a college scholarship at an out of state school but my mom was so upset at the idea that I gave it up, stayed home, and commuted to a local college. When I graduated I had the chance to move to Puerto Rico to teach (I have a degree in Spanish and English). My mom got very upset again so I turned it down and took a job in a crappy public school nearby that I hated. I once fell in love with a man I wanted to marry but he lived on the other side of the country. Again, my mom was so upset at the idea of me moving that I broke it off with him. Finally, years later, I got the opportunity to come and live and work in this country... An opportunity that was incredible for me, my dh and my kids. My mom, as usual, threw a fit. It was ugly (you can look up my threads from spring of 2009 if you want proof). But this time I stood my ground. It is the best decision I have ever made. I love my mom and I miss her but I wouldn't change this for anything. I have too many other regrets at all the opportunities I missed out on in life trying to please her while remaining geographically close to her. She, OTOH, never misses an opportunity to make me feel guilty about this choice. DON'T DO THAT TO YOUR KIDS. IT IS NOT YOUR LIFE. IT IS THEIRS. YOU HAVE MADE YOUR CHOICES. NOW LET THEM MAKE THEIRS. Stepping off my soapbox now.... . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edelweiss Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I had the opportunity for a college scholarship at an out of state school but my mom was so upset at the idea that I gave it up, stayed home, and commuted to a local college. When I graduated I had the chance to move to Puerto Rico to teach (I have a degree in Spanish and English). My mom got very upset again so I turned it down and took a job in a crappy public school nearby that I hated. I once fell in love with a man I wanted to marry but he lived on the other side of the country. Again, my mom was so upset at the idea of me moving that I broke it off with him. Finally, years later, I got the opportunity to come and live and work in this country... An opportunity that was incredible for me, my dh and my kids. My mom, as usual, threw a fit. It was ugly (you can look up my threads from spring of 2009 if you want proof). But this time I stood my ground. It is the best decision I have ever made. I love my mom and I miss her but I wouldn't change this for anything. I have too many other regrets at all the opportunities I missed out on in life trying to please her while remaining geographically close to her. She, OTOH, never misses an opportunity to make me feel guilty about this choice. DON'T DO THAT TO YOUR KIDS. IT IS NOT YOUR LIFE. IT IS THEIRS. YOU HAVE MADE YOUR CHOICES. NOW LET THEM MAKE THEIRS. Stepping off my soapbox now.... . Well said!! :iagree: I'm glad that you were finally able to stand your ground and to begin living YOUR dreams. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I understand that. I do not, however, think it is right to feel that one way or the other is "wrong." It is very much a cultural thing. People all over the world have lived with or near family from the beginning of time. Going off on one's own is a very modern development and not something that is necessarily "superior" to the other way, IMO. I'm not claiming superiority. I'm admitting to the bias I have, and the reasons for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Well said!! :iagree: I'm glad that you were finally able to stand your ground and to begin living YOUR dreams. :grouphug: Thank you. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made but it is so worth it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Until this thread it never even occurred to me that my parents might be offended/upset by our decision to live on the other side of the world. They visit as much as they can, we do the same. We chat on the phone frequently. They are happy we are doing what we want to do. I am sorry that the situation is not the same for everyone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 sad yes, but hurt or offended no. It is their life to live, I would hope that unless a job was taking them away they would stay fairly close, but once they are adults they get the privledge of deciding where they will live. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I'm not claiming superiority. I'm admitting to the bias I have, and the reasons for it. See my parents moved states because of a family member. There's no way we would have grown up drama free. And my cousins? Holy. Moly. They are crazy and plenty of them. Now, we are just this nice small little family away from everyone else. DH and I *have* made sacrifices to stay here, and at one time thought of choosing work over family. Well, in the end it worked out but it really is nice having grandparents here and my sister. My mom totally guilted me out of moving somewhere I felt was best due to a job op, but I've got over it and she knows where I stand in our family/marriage now. *That* is the difference with me though. I would never stand bawling and begging my kid to not make a decision best for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SorrelZG Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) Finally, years later, I got the opportunity to come and live and work in this country... An opportunity that was incredible for me, my dh and my kids. My mom, as usual, threw a fit. It was ugly (you can look up my threads from spring of 2009 if you want proof). But this time I stood my ground. It is the best decision I have ever made. I love my mom and I miss her but I wouldn't change this for anything. I have too many other regrets at all the opportunities I missed out on in life trying to please her while remaining geographically close to her. She, OTOH, never misses an opportunity to make me feel guilty about this choice. DON'T DO THAT TO YOUR KIDS. IT IS NOT YOUR LIFE. IT IS THEIRS. YOU HAVE MADE YOUR CHOICES. NOW LET THEM MAKE THEIRS. Stepping off my soapbox now.... . Thank-you for sharing. Edited August 2, 2012 by SCGS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rutamattatt Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Wow, this is a well timed post for me. We currently live 12 hours away from family. We moved here for DH's job (we were 7 hours away from our families before that). My parents have expressed repeatedly that they are not happy with where we live. They do appear to be offended that we not only live this far away, but it seems to hurt them that we like where we are. Do we miss family? Yup. Often. But we have carved out a life here, and we really appreciate so much about where we are. My mom has gone so far as to say that she wished I had married "Matt B." from high school so that I wouldn't have moved so far away. Keep in mind, I am in a happy marriage with a great husband and provider. Who says that? It has become very much an "us" (my oldest sister who moved away and I) versus "them" (my parents and middle sister who lives near them). It is hurtful all the way around, and it baffles me. There is some resentment, and it breaks my heart. They seem to be choosing not to come visit us to make us "feel" what we have lost. This was not a personal distancing, it was a practical decision based on my husband's career. So...all of that to say, I pray that I NEVER do anything but send my children out into the world with their families with a heartfelt blessing - wherever life may take them. I can totally understand missing them, but I would not take it personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 If I had reason to think that their goal in living far away from me was to limit contact, I'd be at least a bit hurt. But we don't live as close as I'd like to my parents, and I know it's nothing personal, so I'd give them the same leeway. I don't think my parents are crazy about where we live, but they live in a very high cost of living area. We'd have to sacrifice a lot to manage there, and it just isn't what we want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 I'm not claiming superiority. I'm admitting to the bias I have, and the reasons for it. I was just sharing my opinion in general terms, not pointing fingers or meaning to offend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 I'd understand it in certain circumstances, but not all. Moved away? Not so much slighted; there's a time for that, and in some cases a genuine need to spend time away growing into oneself ... taking advantage of opportunities and youth - great experiences. Settled down permanently away? Absolutely, yes. I'd feel slighted, hurt, and probably offended. It would likely mean he's prioritized something else over family. If it's a spouse's family, no offense taken; if it's a career, some offense taken - depends largely on the career type and length. The bolded is just something I can't wrap my head around. We settled away from our families. We did it for our family ~ the family we've made together. Dh's job needed him to be here and so we went because it was best for the family we've made together. I never, ever want my dds to feel they need to place dh and I higher than the family they make with their spouse. They need to do what's best for them, and I hope they know dh and I can cope. I'm very close to my mother (father has passed away) and siblings. The closeness hasn't changed just because the distance has. They're able to cope and be happy for us, which makes me love them even more. We visit each other as often as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 I don't think so. My husband's family would like us to live closer but there is no guilt. We met when my husband was in college in my city, several hours away from his hometown. After moving home for a bit, he moved out here to be with me. At one point we tried living there for 6 months but it was just not for us. Besides the economy is better here and I can tolerate the climate here better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 No. A child has a responsibility to the future, and where opportunity, contentment, and LIFE is to found for him may not be the same place as where I find them. If I live to the point where I need someone nearby for the personal touches, I would relocate into assisted living near him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foster_sk Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Sad, yes. Hurt and offended, no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 My concern is that my sons will feel offended when DH and I pack up and leave the country on a sailboat for 10 years :) We plan do to this in the next 4 to 6 years, and you can see their ages below. But - we all have our lives to live, and being military brats, I doubt they'll be worried about where life takes them. I'll be sad to be apart from them, but we plan a lot of airfare in to our living expenses. And really - what adult son wants their mom hovering over them in college and when they are starting out? Maybe after the grandkids come, lol... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 I'm having visions of selling our house, buying an RV and "following" our children around the country. If we spend one month near each of our five children twice a year, that leaves 2 months out of the year when dh and I can go wherever we want. My husband jokes that our retirement plan will be to sell the house, buy an RV and spend 3 months a year in the driveway of each of our children. Then we will spend the last 3 months at the national parks. Dh will drive a tour bus and I will give the fascinating talks:). I believe in fostering our children's dreams and independence, but we also want to give them the knowledge that our family is still a familty even after they are adults. I want my future grandchildren to know and love us, but I know I don't want to be taken for granted. I want our visits to be anticipated with joy! I also don't want to irritate the heck out of our future sons and daughters in law, hence the RV rather than requesting a guest room in their homes. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Would you feel slighted if your adult child moved away? Only if my child said, "I can't stand you. I am moving far away!" Otherwise I would assume it was due to life circumstances. I would also plan to move close to them! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 My concern is that my sons will feel offended when DH and I pack up and leave the country on a sailboat for 10 years :) We plan do to this in the next 4 to 6 years, and you can see their ages below.But - we all have our lives to live, and being military brats, I doubt they'll be worried about where life takes them. I'll be sad to be apart from them, but we plan a lot of airfare in to our living expenses. And really - what adult son wants their mom hovering over them in college and when they are starting out? Maybe after the grandkids come, lol... Ohhh!!! This is even better than my RV daydream! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 (edited) I have not read beyond the first post, so hopefully this is not a repeated opinion. :D I think one thing folks need to realize is there is a large gap for those who are raised culturally, even if they are no longer immigrants to the USA. My family raises their kiddos to live under the parent's roof until marriage -- for both the boy and girl. It is old school mentality. And back in the day when I was a kid, all of my aunts and uncles lived in the same town. Or close by in the next town over. And the great aunts/uncles also lived in the same town. We were a tight knit group. And you married your own people, IF you know what I am talking about. ;) I broke all of the rules at the age of 17. I left the home without looking back (or visiting). First in my entire family to go to college. Which caused a huge fight in my family. I was shunned for a long time and family never offered to $$ help me out. When I was 19 and married, no one attended my wedding as a result of the shunning. (Because I married outside my race and religion.) But as they got to know my husband, they eventually loved him. And by the time my son was born, everyone loved them both dearly. And I created a precedent for my younger cousins to break free and do their own thing. Which is a big deal in my family. My husband was raised in the average American household and was expected to leave the house at 18 and go to college. They had no issues with us living hundreds or thousands of miles away. MIL and FIL were emotionally distant in the first place and never really took the time to get to know their son or only grandchild -- which I found very sad and Freudian. :lol: Years later, when MIL died and all of the family skeletons came out of the closet... it made a lot of sense why hubby's family were so emotionally dysfunctional. I was glad we were not living close by them. Now, as my ds is 17... and having experienced both worlds culturally, I can honestly say it won't break my heart if he chooses to live on the other side of the world. He will be an adult and has to live his own life. I have thoroughly enjoyed having him as an only child and homeschooling him. But look forward to the next chapter in our lives -- and hopefully a decade from now, being a Grandparent. ;) Edited August 3, 2012 by tex-mex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 No, I like to travel. I hope he moves out to the coast where the temps are lower than here :glare: and there is a beautiful breeze! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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