I'm being petty, aren't I?

[Celia]

Here's the situation...

 

We have a neighbour with 1 child, and he's an only. He's very often over here playing with my kids. However, his family very rarely has my kids over to their house. They sometimes play in their backyard, but never inside. All the inside play is at my house, and it's really starting to get to me. I don't want to just tell my kids they have to play outside (especially when it's raining) but they really like to all play together, and my ds doen't have a lot of friends, so I've been putting up with it. Add to that is another neighbourhood kids that I really don't like to have in my house (sticky fingers), and it's just awkward in the summer.

 

On top of that, when every the neighbour boy has friends over, they aren't inclusive of my ds. They'll go inside the neighbours house, but my kids aren't invited in. They aren't even always included in the outside play. And I get that. My ds is younger, and sometimes a kid just wants to play with the kids he has invited over.

 

But here's where I'm struggling - when we have other kids over to play, the neighbour boy assumes he's invited. And because he's an only, I feel really badly telling him to go home. But, because it's not reciprocated in that he often doesn't include my kids when he has friends over (which makes them quite hurt) I kind of want him to have a taste of that, and I find looking after my own plus their friends they've invited over quite enough. I'm also irritated that I do far more hosting and childminding, and it's been that way for the 3 years they've lived here.

 

I think I need to set some boundries here, which I've obviously stunk at doing. But I feel like I'm being petty, because it's only one more kid and it only slightly compounds the noise and complicates things. He's not super well behaved, but not terrible either. Also, I'm thankful for the friendship for my ds. And at times I know full well the reason that I want to send the kid home is because I'm irritated with the fact that my kids are rarely invited into his house while he makes himself very at home here, so the extra mess and noise all falls on me to deal with, while his lazy mother is always complaining to me about how busy she is (stay at home mom with one kid in school, with after school care and a husband who takes time off work whenever he has holidays).

 

Pardon me if this is a ranting mess of jumbled thoughts and run on sentences.... I have a herd of children and a cranky preschooler running interrupting my every thought!

[Julie in CA]

Well, I wouldn't say "petty", but...well...would you mind a slightly different perspective?

 

If you can change your focus to a longer-term good, you might feel better about how things are now.

 

You might be the family that shows this kid how life is for other people--that the way his family has lived doesn't have to be how things are with his own family/parenting in the future. That's a really, really noble pursuit, to be the example and the one that kindly teaches. Kind of inconvenient and annoying in the short term, what with the noise and all, but many of the best things in life are the really difficult things.

 

The other thing is that, imo, one of the best things I did was cultivate the idea that our house is the place for the kids and their friends to hang out. I love it that my house is the place for teenagers to hang out. I know what my dc are doing, and I know what their friends are doing. They all like to be here, and I'd like to think that the relationships that have been cultivated over time have allowed me to guide them in ways I might not have, had the kids hung out at the neighbor's house instead of ours.

 

This too shall pass, and you can take the high road, knowing that for every bit of inconvenience you suffer right now, you will reap benefits that are both tangible (knowing where your dc are and what they're doing) and intangible (maybe even personal growth from having done the hard thing well).

 

:grouphug: You know how when the doc gives a shot they might say something like, "this will only hurt for a second", or "just a tiny pinch here and it'll be over", well, that's so true! You can do this. :001_smile:

[creativish]

Well, I wouldn't say "petty", but...well...would you mind a slightly different perspective?

 

If you can change your focus to a longer-term good, you might feel better about how things are now.

 

You might be the family that shows this kid how life is for other people--that the way his family has lived doesn't have to be how things are with his own family/parenting in the future. That's a really, really noble pursuit, to be the example and the one that kindly teaches. Kind of inconvenient and annoying in the short term, what with the noise and all, but many of the best things in life are the really difficult things.

 

The other thing is that, imo, one of the best things I did was cultivate the idea that our house is the place for the kids and their friends to hang out. I love it that my house is the place for teenagers to hang out. I know what my dc are doing, and I know what their friends are doing. They all like to be here, and I'd like to think that the relationships that have been cultivated over time have allowed me to guide them in ways I might not have, had the kids hung out at the neighbor's house instead of ours.

 

This too shall pass, and you can take the high road, knowing that for every bit of inconvenience you suffer right now, you will reap benefits that are both tangible (knowing where your dc are and what they're doing) and intangible (maybe even personal growth from having done the hard thing well).

 

:grouphug: You know how when the doc gives a shot they might say something like, "this will only hurt for a second", or "just a tiny pinch here and it'll be over", well, that's so true! You can do this. :001_smile:

 

Love this. Thanks.

[Celia]

You're right... and I do often think about that and appreciate that the kids all feel welcome here. Long term, I'll be good with this, short term, it's irritating.

 

I think I was especially irritated today because his mom did come by earlier to bring him home for lunch, and made one of her usual comments about how she wishes she could live like I do (referring to the mess in my living room on account of fort-making and general kid/homeschool clutter). She's super clean, and I just don't have time to be, so she makes comments like that every few months or so.

 

But thank you. I do need to keep this in perspective!

[Alicia64]

I'm in the exact same situation. In fact, I'm staring at the boy as I type.

 

He plays with my boys -- inside -- and I often feed him snacks and dinner. His parents are from the Indian culture so I've often wondered if that's the issue. I don't know. His mom and I are friends, btw.

 

I can tell that our family will be in his memory close to forever. He sees us sit down to dinner, not watching TV, talk to each other a lot -- and his mom doesn't do a sit down dinner and watches a ton of TV.

 

I just feel like I've done something special for this boy. But I'm no saint. I have moments when I kick all three out. But overall it's been fine and I don't expect reciprocation -- because I know it's not coming.

 

Alley

[kalanamak]

Also, I'm thankful for the friendship for my ds. And at times I know full well the reason that I want to send the kid home is because I'm irritated with the fact that my kids are rarely invited into his house while he makes himself very at home here,

 

I'm always happy with anyone a decent match for my only.

 

BTW, can you incorporate a "clean up time" before he leaves? All the kids put things away and bus plates, etc for a solid 5 minutes before leaving? Might make everything better. Get your kids in on it: if they like people over, they should participate in cleaning up after friends.

[J-rap]

I think it's nice that you're the neighbor where all kids feel welcome, but at the same time, that doesn't mean you have to let everyone in all the time. If your son has a friend over that he'd like to spend some one-on-one time with or whatever, you can be the one to answer the door when the neighbor boy comes knocking and say something like, "Thanks for stopping by, Jimmy! My son Bobby is busy with someone else right now, so it won't work out for him to play today. Please stop back another time though, okay?"

[2_girls_mommy]

We have a similar situation. But my girls have taken to asking can we go to X's house today (she comes over here on a certain day of every week.) and I just tell them to call and ask. Sometimes the parent acts weird about it, and says things like well, I am kind of busy cooking dinner. (Like I'm not???) But usually then oks it. But ONLY when they call and ask if they can go over there instead. Otherwise she is here.

 

And she does leave my kids out of a lot of things. The parent tells me about all of the time the parent takes the child and a friend to the pool all summer. They have never once invited mine. We invite her to our VBS (and take her) to the museum and library and the zoo and other places with us. I wonder if it is because the parents are not used to more than 1 child and taking 2 at once, since they are all close to the same age is too much? Not sure. But I just keep it up. We have plenty of hsing friends, but it is nice to be friends with neighbors too.

[annandatje]

.... The other thing is that, imo, one of the best things I did was cultivate the idea that our house is the place for the kids and their friends to hang out. I love it that my house is the place for teenagers to hang out. I know what my dc are doing, and I know what their friends are doing. They all like to be here, and I'd like to think that the relationships that have been cultivated over time have allowed me to guide them in ways I might not have, had the kids hung out at the neighbor's house instead of ours. ...... :001_smile:

 

The above alone is worth pretty much whatever hassle you have to put up with, original poster.

[Parrothead]

I'm always happy with anyone a decent match for my only.

 

BTW, can you incorporate a "clean up time" before he leaves? All the kids put things away and bus plates, etc for a solid 5 minutes before leaving? Might make everything better. Get your kids in on it: if they like people over, they should participate in cleaning up after friends.

:iagree:

and when his mom comes over to get him just tell her that you'll send him along in 5 minutes since he is needed to help your kiddos clean up.

 

This kid is going to grow up remembering that your house was the fun house and his house is the place he wasn't allowed to make a mess.

[Parrothead]

We have a similar situation. But my girls have taken to asking can we go to X's house today (she comes over here on a certain day of every week.) and I just tell them to call and ask. Sometimes the parent acts weird about it, and says things like well, I am kind of busy cooking dinner. (Like I'm not???) But usually then oks it. But ONLY when they call and ask if they can go over there instead. Otherwise she is here.

 

And she does leave my kids out of a lot of things. The parent tells me about all of the time the parent takes the child and a friend to the pool all summer. They have never once invited mine. We invite her to our VBS (and take her) to the museum and library and the zoo and other places with us. I wonder if it is because the parents are not used to more than 1 child and taking 2 at once, since they are all close to the same age is too much? Not sure. But I just keep it up. We have plenty of hsing friends, but it is nice to be friends with neighbors too.

Having an only myself I'd think not. I've on occasion taken 4 girls with me to places so that dd and her 3 friends can participate.

[myfunnybunch]

You might be the family that shows this kid how life is for other people--that the way his family has lived doesn't have to be how things are with his own family/parenting in the future. That's a really, really noble pursuit, to be the example and the one that kindly teaches. Kind of inconvenient and annoying in the short term, what with the noise and all, but many of the best things in life are the really difficult things.

 

The other thing is that, imo, one of the best things I did was cultivate the idea that our house is the place for the kids and their friends to hang out.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Julie took the words right out of my mouth...the thoughts right out of my head? ;)

 

And :rolleyes: about her "wish I could live like you do" comment. Passive-agressive much? Sheesh. Next time maybe you should say "I know! It's so much more fun!" or, sympathetically, "I know, it's great being the fun house, isn't it? I'm sorry it's difficult for you." :lol:

 

Cat

[elegantlion]

Having an only myself I'd think not. I've on occasion taken 4 girls with me to places so that dd and her 3 friends can participate.

:iagree:

 

I have an only. As the parent of an only, I'd want you to not treat my child differently because he doesn't have a sibling. We loved having ds friends over when he was younger and we'd let them have at it. We did implement clean up time too.

 

Their parenting is probably more a reflection of personality than number of children.

 

Also remember boys may not be as vocal about what another parent is doing for them. I try to keep in communication with ds's friends, especially when he was younger and less communicative about what he did at a friends.

[Wildcat]

.

Edited January 6, 2023 by Wildcat

[craftymama]

Well, I wouldn't say "petty", but...well...would you mind a slightly different perspective?

 

If you can change your focus to a longer-term good, you might feel better about how things are now.

 

You might be the family that shows this kid how life is for other people--that the way his family has lived doesn't have to be how things are with his own family/parenting in the future. That's a really, really noble pursuit, to be the example and the one that kindly teaches. Kind of inconvenient and annoying in the short term, what with the noise and all, but many of the best things in life are the really difficult things.

 

The other thing is that, imo, one of the best things I did was cultivate the idea that our house is the place for the kids and their friends to hang out. I love it that my house is the place for teenagers to hang out. I know what my dc are doing, and I know what their friends are doing. They all like to be here, and I'd like to think that the relationships that have been cultivated over time have allowed me to guide them in ways I might not have, had the kids hung out at the neighbor's house instead of ours.

 

This too shall pass, and you can take the high road, knowing that for every bit of inconvenience you suffer right now, you will reap benefits that are both tangible (knowing where your dc are and what they're doing) and intangible (maybe even personal growth from having done the hard thing well).

 

:grouphug: You know how when the doc gives a shot they might say something like, "this will only hurt for a second", or "just a tiny pinch here and it'll be over", well, that's so true! You can do this. :001_smile:

 

But without people like this my life would be greatly different...

[lea1]

It could be that she really does wish she could be more like you. Maybe she is a neat freak and she freaks out every time her son makes the smallest mess. Maybe he is not allowed to make tents in the living room and stuff like that but she sees this at your house and she really wishes she could be more relaxed about things and not be so uptight. She might really mean it.

 

I think it is nice that you let him come and play and include him. I bet he will have great memories of being with your family.

[Anne in CA]

I did a good deal of this sort of thing when I was a SAHM all the time and the neighbor kids would spend the summer at my house while their parents worked. And did they EVER invite my kids to do something fun with all their extra income? And did they EVER invite me over for dinner after feeding their kids all summer? But, my older dsd had friends and this was the price I paid. Until she made friends at church and the neighbor kids got older and wanted to party and my dd was CRUSHED that they didn't consider her a friend anymore.

 

But I do agree that this is ministry in a deep way, and worth doing.

[justamouse]

My husband's best friend from childhood was a friend like that.

 

Dh said he sat at their dinner table one day and said how nice it was to actually sit for dinner and talk.

 

His family is highly dysfunctional to this day, and those nights changed his life and showed him what HE wanted in a family.

[nansk]

His parents are from the Indian culture so I've often wondered if that's the issue....

 

I can assure you that is not the issue. :glare: If you want to set a good example, please don't broad-brush people.

[TXBeth]

I can assure you that is not the issue. :glare: If you want to set a good example, please don't broad-brush people.

 

:confused: I don't think contemplating the possibility that cultural differences could play into a situation is broad-brushing or a bad example.

[nansk]

:confused: I don't think contemplating the possibility that cultural differences could play into a situation is broad-brushing or a bad example.

 

Sorry, but just because one family doesn't invite their neighbour's kids home doesn't make their entire culture/race "less open"/unfriendly. It made me wonder how many times a day the pp is thinking of her "friend" in terms of her culture/race.

[Mom in High Heels]

Well, I'm the mom that doesn't let a lot of kids come over. Not because I don't like them, but because they are crazy noisy, stay forever (seriously, I practically have to toss them out after 4-6 hours) and never clean up, no matter how many times I tell them to help out before they go. Oh, and it has nothing to do with my house being super neat. That's laughable, but I think they should at least help Indy clean up.

 

We have the issue of Han Solo who really, really, really needs his naps, which is difficult when they are yelling and being crazy. I also rarely get any time alone, especially now that James Bond is deployed, and I relish the time I get while Han Solo is napping and Indy is either outside playing or playing quietly in his room.

 

This isn't to say that Indy never has friends over, because he does, but usually it's one ot two at a time, and we are not the house where they hang out. There isn't a house in our area where the kids hang out though. They hang out in the big gazebo at the park right next to us. I'm okay with that.

[Cassy]

Here's the situation...

 

We have a neighbour with 1 child, and he's an only. He's very often over here playing with my kids. However, his family very rarely has my kids over to their house. They sometimes play in their backyard, but never inside. All the inside play is at my house, and it's really starting to get to me. I don't want to just tell my kids they have to play outside (especially when it's raining) but they really like to all play together, and my ds doen't have a lot of friends, so I've been putting up with it. Add to that is another neighbourhood kids that I really don't like to have in my house (sticky fingers), and it's just awkward in the summer.

 

On top of that, when every the neighbour boy has friends over, they aren't inclusive of my ds. They'll go inside the neighbours house, but my kids aren't invited in. They aren't even always included in the outside play. And I get that. My ds is younger, and sometimes a kid just wants to play with the kids he has invited over.

 

But here's where I'm struggling - when we have other kids over to play, the neighbour boy assumes he's invited. And because he's an only, I feel really badly telling him to go home. But, because it's not reciprocated in that he often doesn't include my kids when he has friends over (which makes them quite hurt) I kind of want him to have a taste of that, and I find looking after my own plus their friends they've invited over quite enough. I'm also irritated that I do far more hosting and childminding, and it's been that way for the 3 years they've lived here.

 

I think I need to set some boundries here, which I've obviously stunk at doing. But I feel like I'm being petty, because it's only one more kid and it only slightly compounds the noise and complicates things. He's not super well behaved, but not terrible either. Also, I'm thankful for the friendship for my ds. And at times I know full well the reason that I want to send the kid home is because I'm irritated with the fact that my kids are rarely invited into his house while he makes himself very at home here, so the extra mess and noise all falls on me to deal with, while his lazy mother is always complaining to me about how busy she is (stay at home mom with one kid in school, with after school care and a husband who takes time off work whenever he has holidays).

 

Pardon me if this is a ranting mess of jumbled thoughts and run on sentences.... I have a herd of children and a cranky preschooler running interrupting my every thought!

 

I don't know if you're being petty or not, but I'd feel just the same as you.

[beccad777]

My kids have some friends that live behind us and they want to come over all the time. I am usually ok with it because my DD1 doesn't have a lot of friends. But, I usually make them play outside in nice weather. If they are inside, they are making tons of noise and running through the house (I have a fairly small house). So the fact that the other parents have the kids play outside is not a big deal to me.

 

I do understand being annoyed that they don't reciprocate, but maybe they just don't think about it. Some people are just clueless. You could just make the kids always play outside at your house. Then when she says something about it, you could say "Well, I noticed that you never have DS play inside at your house, so I thought maybe you would be more comfortable if the kids played outside where you could see them."

 

I like what a pp said about making sure the friends help clean up. Knowing that things will be set to right when it is all over would make me feel better about letting them play inside my house.

[swellmomma]

Another perspective : I feel badly at times as I am the mom that seldom has the kids over here, my kids go out of the house. This is for a couple reasons. 1 I have daycare kids here until 6. It messes with my ratios if anyone aged 12 or under is over playing and can get me into hot water. After 6 I am beat, but then is when I need to get the house back to perfectly clean, cook dinner and generally I am exhausted and the mere thought of another child walking in that door puts me on edge. Not to mention I need a break from my kids. I am an introvert. I have a loud busy house all day with other people's children I am spent by the time they go home. And then during the school year we go to extracurrics where I am a leader watching other people's children.

 

On occasion I let the kids have their friends in, but generally speaking playing at my house means playing outside. So the kids mostly go to their friend's houses. THankfully the parents understand why it is hard for me to reciprocate though I try to balance it out more if the kids have had meals at their friend's home, or giving them snacks etc even if they are outside. Again though I can not always do so due to cost of food.

 

If my kids have been hanging out over at a friend's place a lot i do try to encourage them to hang out with someone else for a spell to give that family a break from them, that has helped.

 

I would love to be that home where the kids/teens love to hang out, but we are in a tiny bungalow with no useable basement and I have no way to get away from the action so to speak.

 

As to the mom's comments about wishing she could live like you. It may not be an issue of time like you eluded to with cleaning, it could be she has OCD about cleaning. Maybe she has sensory issues regarding mess and/or noise. Maybe like me she can only cope with occasionally having friend's in and generally has to say outside only. And does wish she could be that mom with with open door policy and the forts, and the fun but for one reason or another she can't. Not won't. Just simply can't in order to preserve her own sanity.

[TXBeth]

Sorry, but just because one family doesn't invite their neighbour's kids home doesn't make their entire culture/race "less open"/unfriendly. It made me wonder how many times a day the pp is thinking of her "friend" in terms of her culture/race.

 

Who said anything about "less open/unfriendly"? Do you have any cross-cultural experience? People talk about cultural difference ALL THE TIME, and it is not necessarily a bad thing. If you realize that a social issue is awkward because of cultural issues, it helps you to see that your neighbor from X culture is NOT being rude or unfriendly, but may just be acting according to their own cultural norms.

 

I'm going to bow out now and Alicia can speak for herself, but I didn't detect any hostility in her post towards Indians in general. It seemed that she was saying the cultural difference might account for some behaviors she didn't understand. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

My best friend married into an Indian family and we have gotten to know her husband very well and his family somewhat. I can tell you there are huge cultural differences between India and the U.S. Acknowledging that fact is not racist. In fact, realizing that has helped my friend to be more understanding of behavior that could seem offensive at first, because she knows to chalk it up to cultural difference rather than negative intent.

[Harriet Vane]

Well, I wouldn't say "petty", but...well...would you mind a slightly different perspective?

 

If you can change your focus to a longer-term good, you might feel better about how things are now.

 

You might be the family that shows this kid how life is for other people--that the way his family has lived doesn't have to be how things are with his own family/parenting in the future. That's a really, really noble pursuit, to be the example and the one that kindly teaches. Kind of inconvenient and annoying in the short term, what with the noise and all, but many of the best things in life are the really difficult things.

 

The other thing is that, imo, one of the best things I did was cultivate the idea that our house is the place for the kids and their friends to hang out. I love it that my house is the place for teenagers to hang out. I know what my dc are doing, and I know what their friends are doing. They all like to be here, and I'd like to think that the relationships that have been cultivated over time have allowed me to guide them in ways I might not have, had the kids hung out at the neighbor's house instead of ours.

 

This too shall pass, and you can take the high road, knowing that for every bit of inconvenience you suffer right now, you will reap benefits that are both tangible (knowing where your dc are and what they're doing) and intangible (maybe even personal growth from having done the hard thing well).

 

:grouphug: You know how when the doc gives a shot they might say something like, "this will only hurt for a second", or "just a tiny pinch here and it'll be over", well, that's so true! You can do this. :001_smile:

:iagree:

[3browneyedboys4me]

I have the very same situation here. My third son's best buddy is right across the street and is an only child. They NEVER play inside and ALWAYS play over here in MY house. At first, it REALLY did bother me. But, as time has passed I learned a couple of things about their family.

 

1. Some ppl just really can't handle 'more'. Period. She is of that nature. As I got to know her, she is extremely uptight and always, always doing more than she should and making everything a big deal. So, as I take that into acct, I realize that she probably over thinks everything and it's just simply too much for her.

 

2. I started going over to her house and popping in for various reasons- returning play things, etc. I noticed that she is somewhat of a 'hoarder'. :confused: I think she would be embarrassed if the kids saw her house. I'm not sure.

 

So, anyway, at the end of the day, I just decided that I would show her that I am completely relaxed and it's not a big deal. She has really lightened up a bunch and they do play at his house more now. I have found that even offer to have him go with us to the pool and things b/c my son values the relationship.

 

It's hard, but I've found that everyone is really different. A perfect match doesn't exist. So, we just take the good and bad. I hope you can do the same. maybe you can try to get to know the mom a little and see what's going on over there. Personally, I have to know someone very well before my kids play at their home. period. You might be shocked at what you find out about her. I don't know. But, really, I have found more than not, that some ppl just can't handle more than what they have.

:grouphug:

[3browneyedboys4me]

:iagree:

And, would add, that just understanding the differences in PEOPLE in general is huge. It's not just cultural but some ppl were raised different and have different perspectives on child rearing. Unless it's harmful, I try to be understanding to the fact that they are just different.

 

 

 

Who said anything about "less open/unfriendly"? Do you have any cross-cultural experience? People talk about cultural difference ALL THE TIME, and it is not necessarily a bad thing. If you realize that a social issue is awkward because of cultural issues, it helps you to see that your neighbor from X culture is NOT being rude or unfriendly, but may just be acting according to their own cultural norms.

 

I'm going to bow out now and Alicia can speak for herself, but I didn't detect any hostility in her post towards Indians in general. It seemed that she was saying the cultural difference might account for some behaviors she didn't understand. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

My best friend married into an Indian family and we have gotten to know her husband very well and his family somewhat. I can tell you there are huge cultural differences between India and the U.S. Acknowledging that fact is not racist. In fact, realizing that has helped my friend to be more understanding of behavior that could seem offensive at first, because she knows to chalk it up to cultural difference rather than negative intent.

[Alicia64]

I can assure you that is not the issue. :glare: If you want to set a good example, please don't broad-brush people.

 

Um. . . I live in a very large Indian community here in the U.S. I accidentally mess up on my Indian friends' cultural norms and they accidentally mess up on my American cultural norms.

 

Example: if I bring any one of my Indian friends cake or cookies. . . they feel like they have to respond really quickly. Which is very kind, but I worry that I'm imposing on them when I bring them cake.

 

Or. . . and they've made this clear to me, but they don't like telling a friend "no." So when I've asked one friend if she'd like to go to the pool she'd say yes just to be nice and I'd find out much later that she didn't really want to go.

 

She now tells me that she needs to not "beat around the bush" and just say no. Those are her words.

 

Cultural norms exist. For example, I just learned that it's considered rude to sneeze in public in Japan.

 

Please don't go PC on me, when in fact, keeping cultural norms in mind is very kind and considerate.

 

Alley

[Alicia64]

I can assure you that is not the issue. :glare: If you want to set a good example, please don't broad-brush people.

 

I don't mind being wrong on this issue of friends playing over and it being cultural or not, but I don't like your "assure you" tone.

 

If you want to educate me, I'd love to know, but please don't be high minded about it.

 

 

Alley

[xixstar]

I was and probably still am a mom that wouldn't have the kids over. I am just not that big a fan of kids. I like mine fine but am pretty uncomfortable around others still. They would play outside if they did come over because our inside space is very small and barely fits us as is. And i prefer kids outdoor primarily and if i felt like they were often indoors at their friends', i would push more outdoor time. Plus I get very overwhelmed at increased noise and activity. Again, with my kids it is fine but it would bother me quickly if it increased.

I hope to get over it soon though and do push myself often. But it is a slow process.

[kalanamak]

:confused: I don't think contemplating the possibility that cultural differences could play into a situation is broad-brushing or a bad example.

I don't know if you mean Am. Indian or East Indian (or even West Indian) but my ex-ILs were from India and I went in dozens houses of Panjabis who moved here in the 70s and 80s. They were ALL neat as a pin, sort of the "plastic covers on couches" clean, chai in china tea cups, and shoes off at the door. I can't imagine rough housing in them. Children were to be quiet, and most I met were involved with electronics (TV in the den off the kitchen). Since I often felt uncomfortable with the grown-ups at first, I often ended up playing the the kids on the piano or whatever, and "don't disturb the adults" was de rigour.

 

I also know there were few European Americans in their homes, and I believe there was a fear of doing the wrong thing or causing offense, or being looked down upon. My direct ILs were rather critical of me, but their friends were often very friendly once they realized I'd eat their food without wrinkling my nose, wear Panjabi suits, and sway along with the music. :D

[LaxMom]

I was and probably still am a mom that wouldn't have the kids over. I am just not that big a fan of kids. I like mine fine but am pretty uncomfortable around others still. They would play outside if they did come over because our inside space is very small and barely fits us as is. And i prefer kids outdoor primarily and if i felt like they were often indoors at their friends', i would push more outdoor time. Plus I get very overwhelmed at increased noise and activity. Again, with my kids it is fine but it would bother me quickly if it increased.

I hope to get over it soon though and do push myself often. But it is a slow process.

 

That's me, as well. Maybe it's a MD thing. ;)

[The Girls' Mom]

Not petty, but one you decide to be "that" house, you'll have to accept that not everyone else has that mindset.

 

We are "that" house. The one that kids are always welcome. We often have 6 or 7 kids running around...and I only gave birth to 3 :lol:. I make a deliberate effort to be that house. If my dh didn't work from home, it would probably be even crazier here.

 

On the other hand, my SIL (who gave birth to the majority of my extras that are usually running around) is NOT that type of person, and has no desire to be. It is a major stress for her to have other people at her house. So there is little reciprocation. She has had my kids over twice in the past 6 months, while hers have practically lived over here. (seriously, they spent an entire week here without going home..lol.)

 

It used to bother me, but then I realized that having the open kind of house I do is my choice, not hers.