WWYD - Sticky sleepover situation.

[MiniBlondes]

We just bought a new house about 6 weeks ago. After we moved in we discovered that a neighborhood girl was in 3rd grade in PS with my daughter. The 2 didn't know each other but became friends after moving in. Now, I also have a 7 year old girl. All 3 girls hang out together constantly. They're always over here or over there... and they all play very well together. Both of my daughters refer to this little girl as their 'best friend' and the little girl never seems to show any favoritism to one versus the other.

 

Last weekend we invited the little girl to spend the night with us. All 3 girls slept in the floor together after typical sleepover stuff. They have always seemed like a 'package deal' to me. Yesterday I was talking to the other mom on the phone and she mentioned that she'd like to have DD9 spend the night. She never mentioned DD7. At first I agreed because it didn't really sink in. But after I hung up and started thinking about it, she really does mean only my older daughter.

 

I'm torn about what to do here. Her DD and my DD9 are the same age. But DD7 hangs out with them just the same. I know that DD7 will be heartbroken and very confused if she is not allowed to sleepover as well. She won't understand why her 'best friend' doesn't want her there too. At the same time, I think I understand where the other mom is coming from. She is trying to foster a relationship between her daughter and mine... they are the same age after all. I don't want to 'invite' DD7 to the party and impose. I feel like turning her down would be rude. But I know that if I left DD9 go alone then DD7 will be heartbroken and rejected.

 

What's a mother to do?

[Country Mouse]

What about having your own special "sleepover" with dd7? Rent a movie, pop some popcorn, paint toenails, go for ice cream, whatever is special for her. Give her some one-on-one mom time that makes her feel like she's getting the better end of deal?

[Remudamom]

I'd do something special with youngest. Very special.

 

If she asks about it I might say that these things happen in life and the best way to deal with it is to just move on and be happy.

 

ETA- the pic of your girls is so sweet. I'm annoyed for your younger dd.

[Mandylubug]

That is a sticky situation. I think you could drop your oldest off and you and your other DD go in and speak with the mom to let her know your cell number or where you will be for the evening. The short visit may allow the mom to see that both daughters play with her daughter. Then I would state that you and DD7 will be going out on a girls date or something of the sort. Mine will always stop pouting when they know they are getting quality time with just me.. Could be the mom doesn't realize that DD7 plays along with the other girls and may just think she is a tag along.

 

I will also say that since the other little girl goes to PS, the mom probably just doesn't consider children of all ages being friends. Sounds weird but I was the same way wanting to find kids of the same age as my kids when we first started our homeschool journey. Now, I understand that it is normal for my sons that are 8 and 9 to play with 6 year olds willingly and still have fun but when they all went to PS, I considered ages had to stay separated.

[BlsdMama]

I don't want to 'invite' DD7 to the party and impose. I feel like turning her down would be rude. But I know that if I left DD9 go alone then DD7 will be heartbroken and rejected.

 

What's a mother to do?

 

Yes, inviting your other daughter would be inappropriate. I'll be honest, we don't do sleepovers. Ever. So I can't be in this situation. I have a 10yodd and an 8yodd. I understand she would be really hurt. I would probably try to explain it to the 7yo that they want to hang out and grow that relationship because they are the same age, but really, at the end of the day... Homeschoolers "get" the age separation less... It makes sense to families with kids in PS more and it has probably not occurred to this mother that this would be hurtful. She probably sees the 7yo as a tag-a-long and not as the friend because of the age/grade difference.

[Verity]

We have had a similar situation with my 10 and 6 year old boys and neighbor 9 and 7 year old boys. In our case we've had the 9 year old over to spend the night and my 10 year old has spent the night over with him...IMHO 6-7 is too young to spend the night except with family. 8-9 years old is the youngest any of my boys would be up for that - maybe the other mom is in the same camp? If you would be okay with having dd 7 spend the night over maybe you should call the other mom and ask if dd7 could come too - mom may have never even thought of it. Never hurts to just be honest and ask. :)

[Night Elf]

It may also be that she feels she can handle only one friend for the night. You only had to invite one girl to your house, this woman would have to invite two. I know that one extra girl doesn't seem like much, but for some people, it is. Is it also possible this woman doesn't know that your dd7 is happily accepted as a mate from the two 9-year olds?

 

It's definitely a hard call. I might tell dd7 that only one friend can stay the night but that you will do something special with her. Take her out for a special thing like shopping for a little something, ice cream, or a movie. Or let her pick a favorite movie to watch and buy special candy and pop some popcorn. This could possibly work if the girls aren't used to only one getting special attention. It makes it more thrilling. And if your dd9 gets upset, calmly explain that she went to a sleepover that was exciting so dd7 should have something as equally fun to do.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I don't have two of the same gender but we have friends for my dd that are sisters. Once the mom came to visit and brought the one closest to my dd's age to spend the weekend with us. I would have gladly had both(in fact we had both later on another time) but she recognized the friendship between the closer ages would be the one to last.

 

Yes, your dd may be sad but it would be wise to let her learn that at some point she needs friends her own age. I think it would be fine to tell the mom your younger is included so often she was sad and could they all three do a sleepover in the future but let her know it wouldn't always be like that and your dd7 just wants it once.

 

:grouphug: Not an easy situation for your younger dd but come a few years it's really possible the other child won't want the younger around anyway.

[bzymom]

I would let my 9 year old go, and let the 7 year old invite a friend over if she wishes. Growing up with two sisters, close in age, we learned sometimes we shared friends, and other times not. It is a good lesson, though hard for a mama to watch sometimes.

[Annie G]

This is probably only the first of many times this will happen. Also, there will come a time when one of your girls will have a friend and the other will want to hang out, but won't be welcomed. It won't always be the younger one left out, either. As close as they are in ages, it'll go both ways.

 

I was pretty happy when the sleepover years ended.

 

Wow- I sound like Debbie Downer. Sorry about that.g

[Mommyof4ks]

I too would do something special with your younger DD. We have found that most parents of public school kids cannot get over the age thing, so we try to work within it. My boys are just like your girls, close in age and into the same things. Most of their friends are homeschoolers, so it is usually not a big deal for them to go as a package deal, but we have a few public school friends who are very caught up on their kids playing with kids in the same grade as their own. It is a great teaching moment for my boys both about how it feels to be excluded so we should always try to include people and about how sometimes it can be fun to go alone to see a friend and the other gets to have mommy all alone (ice cream is involved, so that usually smooths things over :D). Unfortunately disappointment and hurt feelings are a part of life, and it is easier to teach them when they are little.

[kewb]

You are assuming it was the mother's idea to only invite your older dd. It is quite possible that even though this girl does enjoy your younger daughters company that she does not truly consider her a friend. She may view her as her friends tag a long little sister and wants your dd to sleep over at her house without the distraction of said tag a long little sister.

 

Do something special with your younger dd that evening. It is a life lesson-we are not always included or invited. That is life. Sometimes it is rotten.

[Starr]

We have friends that always assume an invite means both kids and would just show up with both of them. :D I guess it depends on if you want to foster a relationship excluding your younger daughter. It's not too late to call the other mother. If their relationship is going to start excluding your younger then you'll have to spend more family time with other friends.

[Tenaj]

The two older girls are just that, older, and as such, whether it's fair or not, receive more privileges. You don't want to start the precedent at this stage that whatever one does, the other automatically does. They are two separate people and will have separate experiences all the way through life. We've had this situation multiple times over the years and I just don't allow pouting about it. I don't even necessarily try to do something special to make up for the imagined slight because that just puts more emphasis on it. I just am matter-of-fact, this is the way it is, and that's the end of it.

 

It's kind of a sore point with me because a few years ago we had a neighbor who had a daughter my oldest daughter's age and if we invited her to do something then the mother would refuse to let her participate unless I invited the younger brother to come also. My reaction - I quit inviting the older girl.

[KnitWit]

My advice would be to NOT make a big deal out of it. I have had to teach my own children that they cannot expect to always be included just because a sibling is invited to do something. (And yes, I have kids in the same situation with mutual friends) The day will come when the older dd is not included in something the younger dd is invited to do. Life is not equal and *fair* and we cannot EVER control what others may do. kwim? Learning to accept that at a younger age is a good thing imho.

 

I would not do something *special*. I WOULD spend time with my younger dd in terms of playing a game, watching a movie together, doing chores together, etc., but as far as going someplace and doing something *special* just because she is not included? I have chosen to NOT set a precedent that every time one child gets an invite I have to *match it* for the other. I think maybe just realizing that when one is gone, the other gets some time alone with mom and dad at home is a good *special* treat. :)

[MiniBlondes]

You all have very good points. Thank you so much.

 

This isn't the first time we've dealt with similar things but it was always easier to explain. For instance, when they were both in PS. They both rode the bus and 'talked to' Girl A. But Girl A was in DD7's class. Therefore when birthday party invitations came, it was only addressed to DD7. And the exact same thing happened in reverse with DD9. I had to explain to them that as they grow they will have different friends and different events. They didn't 'get' it but I tried to make up for it. In this particular situation it's harder because they both met this little girl at the exact same time. There is truly no separation of the 3 of them. They are glued to each other to the point where it can become annoying. Haha. If DD9 is at tumbling, DD7 will play with the other girl alone. And vice verca.

 

Anyway, I think I'm going to plan a night for DD7 and allow DD9 to go. Then, I'll invite the other girl back over for another night of sleepover here.

[RanchGirl]

Does dd7 have a different friend she can invite over? I would try to set that up before you tell dd9 about her invitation.

[MiniBlondes]

Does dd7 have a different friend she can invite over? I would try to set that up before you tell dd9 about her invitation.

 

Not really. We're new in town, only been here 6 weeks.

 

Edited: This is actually not 100% correct. We've been in this state/town about 4 months and this neighborhood for 6 weeks. DD7 doesn't have any close friendships just yet... but she's getting there.

Edited June 20, 2012 by MiniBlondes

[swellmomma]

I would let my 9 year old go, and let the 7 year old invite a friend over if she wishes. Growing up with two sisters, close in age, we learned sometimes we shared friends, and other times not. It is a good lesson, though hard for a mama to watch sometimes.

 

:iagree:

 

I am sure the mom is not excluding the 7 yr old to be rude or anything, but having 2 kids over to sleep over makes it babysitting not a slumber party, especially when one is 7 and more likely to get homesick etc. While during the day all 3 play together beautifully that does not mean that the 7 yr old should instantly get invited to things. In addition I actually think it is a good thing for your older dd to have this sleepover on her own. Close siblings are a great thing, my 2 oldest are thick as theives, they share many friends and activities BUT sometimes they just want to hang out with their friend without their sibling there, and sometimes the friend just wants some one on one time with one of them. It is never in an attempt to be rude or exclude them in a mean way, but sometimes it is overwhelming to have more than 1 friend over at a time. When it comes to sleepovers I can see inviting only the older 1. someone else pointed out you only needed to invite 1 girl over, bumping you from 2 to 3 for the night, not a big deal. However you are wanting her to invite 2 over, jumping from 1 to 3 is a much larger jump. Some people have no problem with that, some would find it too stressful to make it enjoyable for the kids.

 

Does this woman have other kids at home too or just the 1 girl? That would make a difference too. My ds wants to have 2 friends sleepover, but I will not allow it, only 1 at a time allowed. I already have 4 kids and 2 dogs. I can handle 1 more for 1 night, past that it is a party and I don't have the energy to be nice with the added noise and nonsense that happens when you make it a trio rather than a pair.

[happypamama]

It may also be that she feels she can handle only one friend for the night. You only had to invite one girl to your house, this woman would have to invite two. I know that one extra girl doesn't seem like much, but for some people, it is. Is it also possible this woman doesn't know that your dd7 is happily accepted as a mate from the two 9-year olds?

 

It's definitely a hard call. I might tell dd7 that only one friend can stay the night but that you will do something special with her. Take her out for a special thing like shopping for a little something, ice cream, or a movie. Or let her pick a favorite movie to watch and buy special candy and pop some popcorn. This could possibly work if the girls aren't used to only one getting special attention. It makes it more thrilling. And if your dd9 gets upset, calmly explain that she went to a sleepover that was exciting so dd7 should have something as equally fun to do.

 

I totally agree with all of this. We've had a similar issue with our 3yo. The 7yo across the street is mostly our 10yo's friend, but recently, she's been playing with our 7yo and 3yo a lot too; all four children play together nicely. But when she's wanted to have our kids come over to her house, we've only allowed two of them at a time, because I feel like three kids is a lot for someone not used to it (especially when one is a 3yo, who requires more supervision than the others), and sometimes that causes our 3yo to feel left out. The cure is generally doing something special with either DH or me; one day, I took him and the baby to the grocery store, where the 3yo got to ride in the cool carts (that I normally hate), get a cookie, be my helper, monopolize the conversation, etc., so he was happy, and it took the sting out of being told, "I'm sorry, but you are too young."

 

I don't think it's odd that the other mom has invited just your older DD, though I am sorry your 7yo will be left out.

[MiniBlondes]

:iagree:

 

I am sure the mom is not excluding the 7 yr old to be rude or anything, but having 2 kids over to sleep over makes it babysitting not a slumber party, especially when one is 7 and more likely to get homesick etc. While during the day all 3 play together beautifully that does not mean that the 7 yr old should instantly get invited to things. In addition I actually think it is a good thing for your older dd to have this sleepover on her own. Close siblings are a great thing, my 2 oldest are thick as theives, they share many friends and activities BUT sometimes they just want to hang out with their friend without their sibling there, and sometimes the friend just wants some one on one time with one of them. It is never in an attempt to be rude or exclude them in a mean way, but sometimes it is overwhelming to have more than 1 friend over at a time. When it comes to sleepovers I can see inviting only the older 1. someone else pointed out you only needed to invite 1 girl over, bumping you from 2 to 3 for the night, not a big deal. However you are wanting her to invite 2 over, jumping from 1 to 3 is a much larger jump. Some people have no problem with that, some would find it too stressful to make it enjoyable for the kids.

 

Does this woman have other kids at home too or just the 1 girl? That would make a difference too. My ds wants to have 2 friends sleepover, but I will not allow it, only 1 at a time allowed. I already have 4 kids and 2 dogs. I can handle 1 more for 1 night, past that it is a party and I don't have the energy to be nice with the added noise and nonsense that happens when you make it a trio rather than a pair.

 

Much of what you've said here makes good sense to me. The other mother has the 9y/o girl and a 12 y/o boy. I don't blame her at all for not wanting both at the same time. Having them all at once is a lot. It even was for me! Me and this other mother get along really well and I have no issues with her at all.

 

I guess my biggest problem here was how to break it to DD7. You ladies are all very right. They need to establish their own relationships. I just hate seeing those little hearts hurting. But life isn't always fair.

[JFSinIL]

You are assuming it was the mother's idea to only invite your older dd. It is quite possible that even though this girl does enjoy your younger daughters company that she does not truly consider her a friend. She may view her as her friends tag a long little sister and wants your dd to sleep over at her house without the distraction of said tag a long little sister.

 

Do something special with your younger dd that evening. It is a life lesson-we are not always included or invited. That is life. Sometimes it is rotten.

 

I agree. Even if your girls were twins, there would be times one would be invited somewhere and not both of them.

[Word Nerd]

This is probably only the first of many times this will happen. Also, there will come a time when one of your girls will have a friend and the other will want to hang out, but won't be welcomed. It won't always be the younger one left out, either. As close as they are in ages, it'll go both ways.

 

:iagree: I'm two years older than one of my sisters, and we had several mutual friends over the years. That didn't necessarily extend to invitations for both of us to sleepovers and birthday parties, and that's just the way it is. I don't have the view that sisters are a "package deal" when it comes to friends, so if that's your view, you might want to reconsider allowing sleepovers.

[DianeW88]

The seven year old wasn't invited...she has to stay home. It's a good lesson for her, though I'm sure it will be hard. Maybe this woman's dd has told her that she really wants to spend time with your oldest without the tagalong baby sister. Perhaps this girl really isn't as interested as you may think she is in always having the seven year old hanging around, but she's just too polite to say anything. This may be their way of gently letting you know that perhaps your younger dd doesn't always need to be present when the two older girls get together.

[Harriet Vane]

What about having your own special "sleepover" with dd7? Rent a movie, pop some popcorn, paint toenails, go for ice cream, whatever is special for her. Give her some one-on-one mom time that makes her feel like she's getting the better end of deal?

 

:iagree:

[clarkacademy]

:DI say this nicely My daughter was friends with sisters and to be truthful it was annoying for me to always have two extra kids. I have 4 of my own. I am not trying to be mean but maybe the mom don't want to deal with two extra kids possibly.

[catz]

I would let my 9 year old go, and let the 7 year old invite a friend over if she wishes. Growing up with two sisters, close in age, we learned sometimes we shared friends, and other times not. It is a good lesson, though hard for a mama to watch sometimes.

 

:iagree: I'd make that a special night in some way for your 7 year old.

[elfgivas]

i'll be the odd woman out. right after we move, the girls do things together or not at all. partly this is a safety thing; i feel better knowing they are there to support one another. partly this is a "not leaving the other one out" thing, because this alters the whole relationship, not just one night of it, and partly it is that they don't know many people, so it will sting more.

 

i'd call the other mom and say that because we have just moved that it would feel particularly bad for dd 7 to be left out, and how i get totally that it would be a lot of kids for her, and why doesn't her little mary come and have a sleepover at our house instead.... or if your dd7 could come over for the dinner and movie part (or whatever), but come home to sleep.... (but that wouldn't help my safety needs....).

 

fwiw,

ann

[Catwoman]

I wouldn't let my child sleep over at anyone's home if I'd known the family for only 6 weeks.

[Debbie in OR]

I would let my 9 year old go, and let the 7 year old invite a friend over if she wishes. Growing up with two sisters, close in age, we learned sometimes we shared friends, and other times not. It is a good lesson, though hard for a mama to watch sometimes.

 

This is a great idea. We have had the opposite experience where we have invited one of ds's friends over for a sleepover and the parents sent the younger brother along. Just showed up with him. And every time we invite older brother, little brother comes too, even if invitation was made only to older brother.

 

 

We aren't sure what to do BC ds and this friend are great friends and it feels so rude to say, "Only you can come, not your brother." But we would really like to foster the friendship with the older brother. The younger brother is fine, not a bother, but it definitely affects the dynamics of the older boys' friendship.

 

 

So, my mama bear side totally gets feeling sad for your younger dd but I think the idea to let her have a friend come over and have her own special time is a great compromise.

 

ETA: I realize this is a different scenario in that you are not planning to have your younger dd just "show up" without the parents' knowledge. My point was simply that if there is a friendship the family is trying to foster, but not trying to hurt younger dd, it does make it hard when the younger sibling is always a part as well. As homeschoolers, our kids have ALWAYS done mixed-age friendships. They haven't know anything but that. As they are getting older, however, they are both really wanting some same-age friendships and I am totally fine with that.

Edited June 20, 2012 by Debbie in OR

[labst60]

I have 5 and 7 year old DDs, so I can completely relate.

 

In **this** situation, I would not let older DD go alone. IMHO, its just not fair to younger DD.

 

There *will* be situations where they will do separate things - but with this new friend, the precedent has been established that they are a trio.

 

If you feel DD7 will be hurt, I wouldn't let DD9 go. In our family, the motto is "family first". You just don't willingly do something that is going rightfully make another family member feel sad or excluded.

 

I'd call the mom back and offer to switch the sleepover to my house and tell her the reason - because DD7 would be so sad to be left out.

 

I'm not sayign letting her go would be wrong, but that just wouldn't fly in our house.

[KnitWit]

I wouldn't let my child sleep over at anyone's home if I'd known the family for only 6 weeks.

 

I know you didn't ask, OP, but :iagree:

[clarkacademy]

I understand saying No to sleep overs. I am not very fond myself anymore. I understand one kid feeling left out at times. I don't get all the people who thinks it is OK to basically invite your other kid or punish the one who got invited. I don't think it is OK for people to push their kids off on someone else.

 

Not too mention it is kinda making a setting for life as sisters in general. I was an only girl for 14 years when my mother remarried a man with two little girls. If it wasn't something they both could do my step father would not allow it period. They were 3 years apart and the oldest couldn't even do things with school because the other was too young :confused:

 

Needless to say the older one never cared much for the younger because she knew she missed out because of her. My youngest plays with three sisters and wanted a sleepover. The other mom assumed I wanted all 3 kids :glare: I knew right off that unless I wanted to babysit 3 extra kids all night there would be no sleepover. Only two did actually wind up staying the other wanted to go home.

 

There will most likely be no more sleepovers now because I don't want to be a babysitter. They all had to sleep on the living room floor because I can't fit 3 kids in a bed and it was exhausting for me. They were pretty much up and down all night not wanting to sleep on the floor.

[labst60]

I personally don't see teaching someone compassion for their siblings feelings as "punishment".

 

There are cases to be made for allowing it - and cases to be made for not allowing it. In the long run, I think erring on the side of "inclusionary" is a better route when it comes to family.

 

Would you rather.... one daughter be upset because mom offered to move the sleepover to her house or one daughter be hurt because she felt her sister and "best friend" didn't want her around? I don't think there is a truly right answer - it comes down to family preference.

[clarkacademy]

I personally don't see teaching someone compassion for their siblings feelings as "punishment".

 

There are cases to be made for allowing it - and cases to be made for not allowing it. In the long run, I think erring on the side of "inclusionary" is a better route when it comes to family.

 

Would you rather.... one daughter be upset because mom offered to move the sleepover to her house or one daughter be hurt because she felt her sister and "best friend" didn't want her around? I don't think there is a truly right answer - it comes down to family preference.

 

I would explain that there will be other times it is just her on things. It is punishment when one has to miss out because of another sibling especially since we don't know why. Maybe the other mom just can't deal with 2 kids. Maybe the little one wets the bed. Maybe she is worried the little one will wake up at night crying to go home.

 

Maybe the kid herself is a great kid and plays with the little one but would like time with the child who is just her age? I just don't think it is right to always expect another person to take two. My sister felt it was a HUGE punishment to constantly be told she couldn't do such and such without her sister. It creates bad feelings.

[labst60]

I do agree that to do the "both or none" in EVERY situation would be unfair to both of the girls - I think that given the details of "this" situation, it would be more harmful to the 7 year old than it would be beneficial to the 9 year old.

[JFSinIL]

 

In **this** situation, I would not let older DD go alone. IMHO, its just not fair to younger DD.

 

There *will* be situations where they will do separate things - but with this new friend, the precedent has been established that they are a trio.

 

 

But it is not fair to the other girl to insist she include the younger of the two sisters if she really just wants the chance to have a sleepover with the older girl. She may not always want to be part of a trio. It is not fair, either, to theolder girl, to tell her she can't go because her sister was not invited.

[Bear23]

I get that all the time here with my children because everyone plays with everyone. Just explain that sometimes the older girls just want to do older girl stuff and while everyone is friends there are times when they will do seperate stuff. Can you invite a friend over for DD7? If one goes to a sleepover I will see if there is someone that can come to our house or if there isn't the ones home with me just hang out with me and we have our own sleep over in the living room.