bnrmom Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Dh bought tickets to take the two boys to a show this afternoon. Yesterday ds11 invited his friend, who is 13, to go the show with us and spend the night. When we heard about it, we tried our best to get tickets, but there were none to be had. So we told ds that his friend could still spend the night but we would pick him up after the show. Ds was disappointed, but seemed to understand. This morning at about 7:15, ds comes bounding into our room, wakes us up, and tells us he's figured out how his friend can come to the show. Basically his idea is that his friend uses ds7's ticket. I told him that that would not work because I have to work, so ds7 has to go with them. He whined about it a little bit, I told him again it wouldn't work. Then as he got out of bed I told him, in very clear exact words "Do not wake your brother and start negotiation with him about giving up his ticket." He said ok, and then proceeded to go do exactly that. So I told him that we were canceling his sleepover. I never cancel playdates as punishments out of respect for the other child's feelings, but the other child is 13yo, so I'm thinking that maybe this is not the same as a 6yo. Ds11 is devastated, and is being as dramatic as possible. I feel awful canceling his sleepover. Please tell me I did the right thing, and if not, there is something else I should have done in punishment for him defying me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Yep. You're doing the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 If he were my kid he would lose the sleepover and the show, and not just because he disobeyed you but also because of how he treated his brother and his father. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 It's hard to do the right thing but you picked the only punishment he will understand. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeannie in NJ Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 yes, you did the right thing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 If he were my kid he would lose the sleepover and the show, and not just because he disobeyed you but also because of how he treated his brother and his father. :iagree: He just made all kinds of mistakes about this situation. I guess he can't miss the show though for the same reason the 7 yr. old cannot, since the OP is working. But man, I would be terribly disappointed in my son about the entire event! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allearia Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 If he were my kid he would lose the sleepover and the show, and not just because he disobeyed you but also because of how he treated his brother and his father. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomandlorih Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Yes, you are.. Sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bnrmom Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 If the show had been just for him I would have canceled it, but that's not fair to ds7 or dh who spend money on the tickets. Ds11 is a good kid, but he just gets himself so overly worked up about things and it ends up blowing up on him. I appreciate his passion and determination, but he just does not know when to stop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 You are doing the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 You are doing the right thing, and I very typically do not cancel on other kids either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiniBlondes Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I agree, you're doing the right thing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I concur. You did what he needed. (FTR, I have a kid who would have done the exact same thing. This type of consequence is the only "currency" that is effective for her in getting her to think through her impulsivity.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 If he were my kid he would lose the sleepover and the show, and not just because he disobeyed you but also because of how he treated his brother and his father. Yes. And little brother would be able to bring a friend to the show. He was selfish and disobedient and unkind to little brother, now he's being dramatic instead of remorseful, not something I would like to reward! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 You are doing the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Also, if I understand correctly, your son invited the friend on his own. I would make sure he knew that was not cool at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Also, if I understand correctly, your son invited the friend on his own. I would make sure he knew that was not cool at all. IF he had asked if he could invite the friend, and you said "yes" knowing that you still didn't have tickets for him, then you would need to make it good somehow. If he invited the friend on his own, and just expected you to find him a ticket, then the problem started right there. Personally I wouldn't have searched all over for a ticket to begin with because he was presumptuous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Yes. And little brother would be able to bring a friend to the show. He was selfish and disobedient and unkind to little brother, now he's being dramatic instead of remorseful, not something I would like to reward! Also, if I understand correctly, your son invited the friend on his own. I would make sure he knew that was not cool at all. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: It would also upset me terribly that he was so unconcerned about his little brother's feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbmom Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 You're doing the right thing. In our house, if you ask the friend before you ask mom the answer is automatically no, so I think you were being VERY generous throughout the whole situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Yes. And little brother would be able to bring a friend to the show. He was selfish and disobedient and unkind to little brother, now he's being dramatic instead of remorseful, not something I would like to reward! :iagree: If there is a way for this ds to miss the privilege of going to the movie, then I would definitely take it away from him. It may seem harsh, but there are times when we parents have to draw our line firmly in the sand. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 It's hard to do the right thing but you picked the only punishment he will understand. :grouphug: :iagree: This too shall pass, Mama. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 You absolutely did the right thing. We have that same sort of issue all the time around here. :( Ds13 loves to negotiate with ds9 to get what he wants. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Dh bought tickets to take the two boys to a show this afternoon. Yesterday ds11 invited his friend, who is 13, to go the show with us and spend the night. When we heard about it, we tried our best to get tickets, but there were none to be had. So we told ds that his friend could still spend the night but we would pick him up after the show. Ds was disappointed, but seemed to understand. This morning at about 7:15, ds comes bounding into our room, wakes us up, and tells us he's figured out how his friend can come to the show. Basically his idea is that his friend uses ds7's ticket. I told him that that would not work because I have to work, so ds7 has to go with them. He whined about it a little bit, I told him again it wouldn't work. Then as he got out of bed I told him, in very clear exact words "Do not wake your brother and start negotiation with him about giving up his ticket." He said ok, and then proceeded to go do exactly that. So I told him that we were canceling his sleepover. I never cancel playdates as punishments out of respect for the other child's feelings, but the other child is 13yo, so I'm thinking that maybe this is not the same as a 6yo. Ds11 is devastated, and is being as dramatic as possible. I feel awful canceling his sleepover. Please tell me I did the right thing, and if not, there is something else I should have done in punishment for him defying me. *He* is being dramatic? Oh. No. One does not blatantly disobey and then whine. One does not choose to do something wrong and cry about the consequences. No way. IMO, there needs to be some long lessons on behavior with this ds. Has he gotten away with this type of behavior before? If you knew to tell him not to negotiate with his brother, you had an inkling of what was coming next. If you are feeling guilty for doing the right thing, the family dynamics are off. You are the mom. When you are teaching and leading your dc, there is no guilt. This is his monkey. He disobeyed and you are feeling guilty?:confused: Personally, I would start canceling playmates as consequences. My dc know that their actions affect other people. "Yes, your friend is sad that he can't come over to play, but when you ____________, you can't play. If I can't trust you in the house to do or not to do ______________, you certainly aren't going to play with other kids." If you need to warn other moms, do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I really try not to punish others through the discipline of my own (as in, I wouldn't skip a party we'd rsvp'd to as punishment for something totally unrelated to the party, as that also really punishes the birthday child)... but in this case, I would have to, especially since you never invited the other child. At that age, I didn't assume my child was invited until I'd made a connection with the other parent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godsaggie Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 You are much nicer than I am. I would have been much more strict with his consequences. Too bad he isn't old enough to stay home alone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I agree with everyone else, that he was WAY overbounds...but I need to back up a bit before that. My kids are told in no uncertain terms that they are not to invite ANYONE , ANYWHERE without asking ME first. Kids, in thier exhuberance, love to ask friends to come for dinner, come swimmming, anything. But they fail to take into account the family, and this is the time to make that lesson clear. 11ds first asked his friend to a concert without asking you--that means he assumed you'd pay for another ticket. Then, when he didn't get his way--he tried to get his brother's ticket? I would have hauled the booger in front of me and asked him how dare he? That is out of bounds selfishness on many fronts. You did the right thing. Hang in there.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I agree with everyone else, that he was WAY overbounds...but I need to back up a bit before that. My kids are told in no uncertain terms that they are not to invite ANYONE , ANYWHERE without asking ME first. Kids, in thier exhuberance, love to ask friends to come for dinner, come swimmming, anything. But they fail to take into account the family, and this is the time to make that lesson clear. 11ds first asked his friend to a concert without asking you--that means he assumed you'd pay for another ticket. Then, when he didn't get his way--he tried to get his brother's ticket? I would have hauled the booger in front of me and asked him how dare he? That is out of bounds selfishness on many fronts. You did the right thing. Hang in there.:grouphug: And they never ask me in front of friends, either, or the answer is automatically no. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 If he were my kid he would lose the sleepover and the show, and not just because he disobeyed you but also because of how he treated his brother and his father. Yes. And little brother would be able to bring a friend to the show. He was selfish and disobedient and unkind to little brother, now he's being dramatic instead of remorseful, not something I would like to reward! IF he had asked if he could invite the friend, and you said "yes" knowing that you still didn't have tickets for him, then you would need to make it good somehow. If he invited the friend on his own, and just expected you to find him a ticket, then the problem started right there. Personally I wouldn't have searched all over for a ticket to begin with because he was presumptuous. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 And they never ask me in front of friends, either, or the answer is automatically no. :D Yep, I forgot that part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 You did the right thing. It can be so hard! It is unfortunate for the other boy, but things like that happen. Your ds is certainly old enough to understand, and at 11, you can expect to listen when you tell him not to do something. There is no need to warn of consequences for disobeying. My answer would be different if he were four (as would your response too, I'm sure!). My kids are a few years old, and they know by now when I will follow through and when I won't. You're setting great boundaries at a perfect age. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kricau Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Yes, you are doing the right thing. Don't back down now. My husband once had to take every toy out of my DD (7 now) room before she would stop the hissy fits she used to throw. Now she is a very well behaved child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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