Another teA question *gulp*

[sassenach]

I would tell that woman, who is due very soon, that her husband loves her, and that this issue is coming to an end. I would tell her to wait at least 3-4 months before approaching the subject.

 

I would also tell her that her feelings are valid, and that I would feel the same way if I were in her shoes.

[justamouse]

It hurts.

 

It DOES hurt, and blowing it off is not the way for it to heal. Sometimes as women we are SO willing to make nice in our marriages, we're not truthful with how things hurt us. But you're not helping you, him, or your marriage if you bandaide how you feel-- and you can SAY you won't resent it, but it will come back because you're questioning it emotionally. And that's not resenting it, it's a wound that needs to be healed.

 

He needs to talk to you and talk to someone else-perhaps a professional.

 

He needs to stop focusing on the baby, about the baby inside you, and focus on YOU. You CAN rewire how you respond to things, but you have to want it badly enough. He needs to understand this is not a blowover subject, that if he ignores your emotions and just hugs you enough he can't make it go away.

 

You need to be honest with him.

[AimeeM]

It DOES hurt, and blowing it off is not the way for it to heal. Sometimes as women we are SO willing to make nice in our marriages, we're not truthful with how things hurt us. But you're not helping you, him, or your marriage if you bandaide how you feel-- and you can SAY you won't resent it, but it will come back because you're questioning it emotionally. And that's not resenting it, it's a wound that needs to be healed.

 

He needs to talk to you and talk to someone else-perhaps a professional.

 

He needs to stop focusing on the baby, about the baby inside you, and focus on YOU. You CAN rewire how you respond to things, but you have to want it badly enough. He needs to understand this is not a blowover subject, that if he ignores your emotions and just hugs you enough he can't make it go away.

 

You need to be honest with him.

 

I have been very, very honest with him. Rationally, at times; irrationally and emotionally at other times. Many times over.

[Mimm]

I'm sorry but ten months without??? I would demand that he go seek whatever psychiatric care he needed to get over it. Of course, in my marriage, once a month would be unacceptable as well, so maybe that's why ten months seems so extreme... I hope you guys are able to figure something out and I don't blame you for having your feelings hurt. I agree that there is an emotional connection there that you need to nourish.

 

And yes, I feel the same when it's the woman who refuses for long periods of time, which I think happens more often (at least I seem to hear about it more). I think it's unhealthy and harmful to the marriage and whatever issues are causing it need to be addressed and resolved not ignored for months on end.

[lea1]

After having talked to him about it several times, sharing how you feel and, after everything else you have shared here I would pray. A lot.

 

I would pray a very honest prayer to God, asking him to change my heart and heal these feelings that I am feeling. God knows how you feel and he knows that you are not wrong to be asking your husband for this. He can and will help you if you. Cry out to him and tell him how hurt you feel and tell him what you need and He will provide it for you. He will bless you, knowing that you are not the one in the wrong in this situation and knowing that you are trying very hard not to have bad feelings about your husband. Pray to him over and over and ask him to change your heart and He will.

 

I won't go into detail here but I had a situation where I seriously needed a heart change, not because of anything I had done wrong, but I knew my feelings had to change if I was going to move forward successfully and do what God wanted me to do. And my heart was feeling crushed. I literally cried to God and told him how I felt and asked him to change my heart. For those who know the power of God and the power of prayer, you will not be surprised to hear that I woke up the next morning feeling completely changed. My heart no longer felt crushed and I was able move forward and do what I knew God wanted me to do.

 

Even when someone else is not doing what God wants them to do, He still wants us to do the right thing. You are doing the right thing by seeking a way to not feel these powerful negative feelings that you (rightfully) feel. God can definitely change that for you, if you really want him to.

[Jennifer3141]

I'm sorry but ten months without??? I would demand that he go seek whatever psychiatric care he needed to get over it. Of course, in my marriage, once a month would be unacceptable as well, so maybe that's why ten months seems so extreme... I hope you guys are able to figure something out and I don't blame you for having your feelings hurt. I agree that there is an emotional connection there that you need to nourish.

 

And yes, I feel the same when it's the woman who refuses for long periods of time, which I think happens more often (at least I seem to hear about it more). I think it's unhealthy and harmful to the marriage and whatever issues are causing it need to be addressed and resolved not ignored for months on end.

 

Thank you, Mimm! 10 MONTHS??

 

This is not a man I'd EVER have a child with again. 10 MONTHS? And only once a month when it's good?

 

It would be ok if that's what both partners want but clearly that's NOT what both partners want. Like being pregnant isn't hard enough...

 

OP, I think you need some counseling with a good relationship counselor. If your DH won't discuss this with a physician, I think you need some reassurance. You are not weird for feeling this way about teA.

[AimeeM]

Thank you, Mimm! 10 MONTHS??

 

This is not a man I'd EVER have a child with again. 10 MONTHS? And only once a month when it's good?

 

It would be ok if that's what both partners want but clearly that's NOT what both partners want. Like being pregnant isn't hard enough...

 

OP, I think you need some counseling with a good relationship counselor. If your DH won't discuss this with a physician, I think you need some reassurance. You are not weird for feeling this way about teA.

The once a month is actually okay with me - I didn't mean to imply that THAT was a problem. Between nursing and homeschooling, I'm tired. Lol.

[imagine.more]

:lol: I'm Catholic; but not such a great Catholic that *it* hasn't happened, I'm ashamed to admit, with some regularity.

This pregnancy is almost finished. I'm not sure that therapy would help because of that. Lol. We go back to normal after my pregnancies.

 

Yes, about once a month (usually). I've *heard* that it's normal for men in their 40's to... er... lose some drive on that end, so I hadn't really considered that an issue.

 

This is way out of my norm for posts I'd respond to, but it sounds like this is out of your norm for topics to post on too so I'll dive in :)

 

Anyway, I wish I could do multiple quotes, don't know how on this board, lol! But what I've read in the past 6 pages are these facts:

 

1. you are frustrated emotionally

2. you are sexually frustrated specifically, hence the 'home brewing' lol! I'm no prude, and definitely no saint, but since you're Catholic too you'll be fairly in agreement that home brewing, while understandable and a normal temptation, isn't good. So if we were to truly put it in black and white (which it's not, but for argument's sake) his refusal to be intimate during pregnancy is putting you in an occasion of sin. Not that he's totally wrong or mean, but he isn't being charitable in the way a spouse should.

3. you are hurt by this

4. you feel unloved and unattractive because of this

5. you've made reasonable effort to cope with this, and fully intend to continue to make such effort to cope out of love and respect and charity towards your husband. In other words, you are not looking to blame him or escape your problems.

 

With all of those things, I'd say he really ought to be giving it more visible effort and try to have teA at least a few times during pregnancy. My guess is, since he is otherwise loving and attentive, that he has a naturally low libido and so the slightest infringement on his ideal of sex (ie, the weirdness of thinking there's a baby in there) is able to override his already low libido. So I think there are two options really. You guys can decide together that he can overcome this mental block himself by offering it up as love and charity for his wife. Or maybe he needs some help physically and needs to look into why his libido tends so low. There may be simple things that could help boost it a bit so he can act more loving in this area. Maybe his testosterone is a bit low, maybe exercise would help, maybe there's some pill or something that would help, but only a doctor can know that out and a doctor can only help if he will go and just ask. I have no doubt it's been heard before in the doctor's office!

 

To me, that is the middle ground. It doesn't sound like he's being mean or intentionally hurtful but you are legitimately frustrated and hurt by this, I don't think you're out of line to want more in marriage during pregnancy. So I think to ask that he make concerted effort to be intimate a few times during pregnancy, and that you be patient, kind, and understanding of his limitations in the meantime is completely reasonable. Nobody is off the hook, and both are working towards charity in the marriage towards one another.

 

Just my 2 cents, I really hope this gets better for you and at the very least you won't be pregnant forever so there is a light at the end of the tunnel :grouphug:

[AimeeM]

You have all been wonderful.

 

I didn't mean for this to turn into husband bashing, by any means.

Really, my reason for wanting an attitude adjustment stems from the many rants I've seen on several forums (not just this one, by any means) about husbands; how a woman's husband expects a spotless home, clean children, a hot dinner at all times... I hear my own sister upset because her husband doesn't understand how "hard" her job is, or doesn't allow her equal access to finances... how husbands don't appreciate what they do or understand Mom needs some time away...

 

and, well...

 

My husband does none of those. If our only issue is ever THIS, I'm darn lucky (or, rather, blessed). He is kind, considerate, helpful, generous, appreciative and never intentionally hurtful. He honestly seems perplexed as to why this is an issue for me. Like he doesn't understand; not like he doesn't CARE... which is probably why I'm so frustrated. He just doesn't seem to get it. Lol.

 

It hurts. Like he*l. But I'm not sure the conversation can go any further with him. I've hit a brick wall. The only thing I can change is my attitude about it.

 

I love him very, very much. I just don't feel very... wanted right now.

[mommaduck]

I don't think you can get past those feelings. I do think you can try to understand that he really doesn't mean it personally. I would talk with him about it.

[AimeeM]

That is some truly wonderful advice; and a very valid summary of events. Lol.

 

You put me in thinking mode. He has recently been complaining that he feels he needs to lose weight (he's gained a bit of weight since we married years ago; although I have tried many times to let him know it doesn't bother me, I wonder if this could cause libido problems?). He is concerned about becoming a father again at his age. He naps often. He sometimes makes ill attempts at humor about our age difference (I am 27, he is almost 43); laughing uncomfortably when I do not understand a mention about a musician or that when he went to prom, I was in diapers, etc.

 

Maybe this is more about him and less about my pregnancy. Maybe I should work more on being charitable towards some things HE'S going through, and dwell less on my... desires.

 

Thank you.

This is way out of my norm for posts I'd respond to, but it sounds like this is out of your norm for topics to post on too so I'll dive in :)

 

Anyway, I wish I could do multiple quotes, don't know how on this board, lol! But what I've read in the past 6 pages are these facts:

 

1. you are frustrated emotionally

2. you are sexually frustrated specifically, hence the 'home brewing' lol! I'm no prude, and definitely no saint, but since you're Catholic too you'll be fairly in agreement that home brewing, while understandable and a normal temptation, isn't good. So if we were to truly put it in black and white (which it's not, but for argument's sake) his refusal to be intimate during pregnancy is putting you in an occasion of sin. Not that he's totally wrong or mean, but he isn't being charitable in the way a spouse should.

3. you are hurt by this

4. you feel unloved and unattractive because of this

5. you've made reasonable effort to cope with this, and fully intend to continue to make such effort to cope out of love and respect and charity towards your husband. In other words, you are not looking to blame him or escape your problems.

 

With all of those things, I'd say he really ought to be giving it more visible effort and try to have teA at least a few times during pregnancy. My guess is, since he is otherwise loving and attentive, that he has a naturally low libido and so the slightest infringement on his ideal of sex (ie, the weirdness of thinking there's a baby in there) is able to override his already low libido. So I think there are two options really. You guys can decide together that he can overcome this mental block himself by offering it up as love and charity for his wife. Or maybe he needs some help physically and needs to look into why his libido tends so low. There may be simple things that could help boost it a bit so he can act more loving in this area. Maybe his testosterone is a bit low, maybe exercise would help, maybe there's some pill or something that would help, but only a doctor can know that out and a doctor can only help if he will go and just ask. I have no doubt it's been heard before in the doctor's office!

 

To me, that is the middle ground. It doesn't sound like he's being mean or intentionally hurtful but you are legitimately frustrated and hurt by this, I don't think you're out of line to want more in marriage during pregnancy. So I think to ask that he make concerted effort to be intimate a few times during pregnancy, and that you be patient, kind, and understanding of his limitations in the meantime is completely reasonable. Nobody is off the hook, and both are working towards charity in the marriage towards one another.

 

Just my 2 cents, I really hope this gets better for you and at the very least you won't be pregnant forever so there is a light at the end of the tunnel :grouphug:

[Bluegoat]

While I'm not sure the Deacon had the same discussion with my husband, I know that part of my one-on-one meeting was the Deacon asking if I agreed to not deny this to my husband. I assume he had the same discussion with my husband. I'm not sure.

 

I don't want it to be a chore though...

 

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if the Deacon didn't mention it to your husband. It should have been mentioned, but I suspect some people assume that it is a female thing to be not so interested in sex.

 

Do you think it would be helpful for you to talk to a priest now, or for the priest to talk with your husband?

 

The other thing that strikes me is that it is possible he may not be saying much because he is embarrassed about it somehow.

 

As far as the chore thing - yes, I can understand that. Like a lot of others I have pretty low libido when I'm nursing, and with one child I also had ppd and it was horrible. Not only was it a chore, the whole thing seemed a bit repulsive, and going through with it caused a lot of stress for me - I didn't really tell my dh this because I didn't want to upset him and it really wasn't about him at all. So I get where you are coming from there.

 

But it seems to me that what you need isn't necessarily to get him to agree to more sex - you need to come to some kind of understanding and akknowledgment with each other. The problem could be resolved any number of ways.

 

So it isn't necessarily that you will be creating a chore for him - that isn't the only possible outcome. And although it is hard on the pride, maybe it would even be good for him to have it as a bit of a chore at times - maybe that is what he needs to realize that a fundemental part of marriage is self-sacrifice.

[DianeW88]

My dh is 45 and not lazy at all. Once a month? That seems....insane to me.

 

I know I would be done having kids with a dh like that.

 

:iagree:My dh is 52 and um....several times a week is the norm. Once a month is NOT typical for a man in his forties.

[Audrey]

My DH is 42 and I did notice that he got "lazier" around 40. I put my foot right down on that. I think you need to have a hard, honest talk with your DH.

 

Dh and i are only a couple of years apart. Around the time I hit 40, I wanted more than a couple of times a week. So, I took the bull by the horn. Got his attention really well. Men aren't stupid. They just need reminders and motivation. But, then ... who doesn't? ;)

[JVA]

I Corinthians 7:4-5 is applicable in this situation. Our bodies, according to the Lord, belong to each other. No one is to deprive the other without mutual consent. Husbands and wives have a duty to maintain sexual relations with each other so that neither will be tempted by Satan.

 

" The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

 

If God's word is important to your dh, this would be a good place to start the conversation. Mutual submission is required for harmony and peace. Like others have said, I'd go nuts w/o for this long. Maybe he needs to talk to someone to explore his issues with it? I hope things improve for you both.

[Audrey]

So you are saying there is some hope for me? I'm 37 and waiting for SOMETHING to hit. *sigh*

 

Yeah, I didn't believe the 40+ women when I was in my 30's, but it turns out that they were right. :D

[Liz CA]

Have you never talked about this with him??? :confused:

[AimeeM]

Have you never talked about this with him??? :confused:

I don't understand what you mean. I have stated many times that we have discussed them many, many, MANY times (lol). I have approached him rationally at times, irrationally and upset at others.

[Word Nerd]

Have you never talked about this with him??? :confused:

 

Have you read any of her posts?

[Catwoman]

I don't think you should feel ashamed - I'd be tempted to not even attempt to hide it from dh, if he was rejecting me for 10 months! :tongue_smilie:

 

 

:D :D :D

 

Maybe if you let him watch, it would give him ideas... :drool5::drool5::drool5:

[Catwoman]

You put me in thinking mode. He has recently been complaining that he feels he needs to lose weight (he's gained a bit of weight since we married years ago; although I have tried many times to let him know it doesn't bother me, I wonder if this could cause libido problems?). He is concerned about becoming a father again at his age. He naps often. He sometimes makes ill attempts at humor about our age difference (I am 27, he is almost 43); laughing uncomfortably when I do not understand a mention about a musician or that when he went to prom, I was in diapers, etc.

 

Maybe this is more about him and less about my pregnancy. Maybe I should work more on being charitable towards some things HE'S going through, and dwell less on my... desires.

 

Thank you.

 

This is ALL about him. The pregnancy is just an excuse. It's not like he's all over you when you're not pregnant.

 

This has nothing to do with his age, his weight, or your pregnancy. For crying out loud, he has a young, s*xy wife -- most men would be showing you off and acting like a real hound dog around you, not making a move once a month or so.

 

I have to ask -- was he always like this? What was he like when you were dating? Because something seems really wrong here, and it could be something as simple as him having very low testosterone levels or being under a lot of stress, but I have to be honest -- my dh is a lot older than yours, and if he was only interested once a month, I'd start to wonder if he was gay or if he was getting it somewhere else.

 

I'm not telling you that your dh is gay, fooling around, addicted to online p*rn, or that maybe he missed his calling to the priesthood.

 

What I am saying is that this isn't your fault. And I know you say he's a great guy and a wonderful dh, but if he knows you're hurting over this issue and isn't doing anything about it, I'm sorry to say this, but he doesn't sound that great to me.

 

Doesn't he even offer to "do a little something for you" even if he doesn't want anything in return? :confused:

 

I'm so sorry you're upset about this, but please know that you're not being selfish to want a little action from your own dh, and that he IS being selfish by not giving you what you need. You are not being at all unreasonable, but he certainly is.

[8circles]

:iagree:

This is ALL about him. The pregnancy is just an excuse. It's not like he's all over you when you're not pregnant.

 

This has nothing to do with his age, his weight, or your pregnancy. For crying out loud, he has a young, s*xy wife -- most men would be showing you off and acting like a real hound dog around you, not making a move once a month or so.

 

I have to ask -- was he always like this? What was he like when you were dating? Because something seems really wrong here, and it could be something as simple as him having very low testosterone levels or being under a lot of stress, but I have to be honest -- my dh is a lot older than yours, and if he was only interested once a month, I'd start to wonder if he was gay or if he was getting it somewhere else.

 

I'm not telling you that your dh is gay, fooling around, addicted to online p*rn, or that maybe he missed his calling to the priesthood.

 

What I am saying is that this isn't your fault. And I know you say he's a great guy and a wonderful dh, but if he knows you're hurting over this issue and isn't doing anything about it, I'm sorry to say this, but he doesn't sound that great to me.

 

Doesn't he even offer to "do a little something for you" even if he doesn't want anything in return? :confused:

 

I'm so sorry you're upset about this, but please know that you're not being selfish to want a little action from your own dh, and that he IS being selfish by not giving you what you need. You are not being at all unreasonable, but he certainly is.

[3browneyedboys4me]

:iagree:

 

Yep,yep, yep! I'm glad you said this b/c I was thinking it.... I would not be comfortable with this situation b/c this is absolutely about HIM. Something is not right.

 

I would want some answers.

 

 

 

This is ALL about him. The pregnancy is just an excuse. It's not like he's all over you when you're not pregnant.

 

This has nothing to do with his age, his weight, or your pregnancy. For crying out loud, he has a young, s*xy wife -- most men would be showing you off and acting like a real hound dog around you, not making a move once a month or so.

 

I have to ask -- was he always like this? What was he like when you were dating? Because something seems really wrong here, and it could be something as simple as him having very low testosterone levels or being under a lot of stress, but I have to be honest -- my dh is a lot older than yours, and if he was only interested once a month, I'd start to wonder if he was gay or if he was getting it somewhere else.

 

I'm not telling you that your dh is gay, fooling around, addicted to online p*rn, or that maybe he missed his calling to the priesthood.

 

What I am saying is that this isn't your fault. And I know you say he's a great guy and a wonderful dh, but if he knows you're hurting over this issue and isn't doing anything about it, I'm sorry to say this, but he doesn't sound that great to me.

 

Doesn't he even offer to "do a little something for you" even if he doesn't want anything in return? :confused:

 

I'm so sorry you're upset about this, but please know that you're not being selfish to want a little action from your own dh, and that he IS being selfish by not giving you what you need. You are not being at all unreasonable, but he certainly is.

[oasis]

This is ALL about him. The pregnancy is just an excuse. It's not like he's all over you when you're not pregnant.

 

This has nothing to do with his age, his weight, or your pregnancy. For crying out loud, he has a young, s*xy wife -- most men would be showing you off and acting like a real hound dog around you, not making a move once a month or so.

 

I have to ask -- was he always like this? What was he like when you were dating? Because something seems really wrong here, and it could be something as simple as him having very low testosterone levels or being under a lot of stress, but I have to be honest -- my dh is a lot older than yours, and if he was only interested once a month, I'd start to wonder if he was gay or if he was getting it somewhere else.

 

I'm not telling you that your dh is gay, fooling around, addicted to online p*rn, or that maybe he missed his calling to the priesthood.

 

What I am saying is that this isn't your fault. And I know you say he's a great guy and a wonderful dh, but if he knows you're hurting over this issue and isn't doing anything about it, I'm sorry to say this, but he doesn't sound that great to me.

 

Doesn't he even offer to "do a little something for you" even if he doesn't want anything in return? :confused:

 

I'm so sorry you're upset about this, but please know that you're not being selfish to want a little action from your own dh, and that he IS being selfish by not giving you what you need. You are not being at all unreasonable, but he certainly is.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I don't understand why he will not offer to change a thing when he knows this hurts you so much. That would be what would upset me the most!

 

I'm glad this is almost over for you, but hope both of you can go to a doctor and/or counseling to find out what is wrong.

[MegP]

My best friend is in a marriage like this. She and I went out last night and she told me that she and her husband have only had tEa 3 times this calendar year. It has always been like this for them. He is not cheating, not gay, and he is healthy, normal testosterone, etc. She won't leave him, but is really frustrated. They have talked about it over the years hundreds of times, but nothing changes. He just has a low drive. It has nothing to do with her being pregnant or not. Their youngest is 10.

 

I wish I knew what to say to her or how to help.

[oasis]

My best friend is in a marriage like this. She and I went out last night and she told me that she and her husband have only had tEa 3 times this calendar year. It has always been like this for them. He is not cheating, not gay, and he is healthy, normal testosterone, etc. She won't leave him, but is really frustrated. They have talked about it over the years hundreds of times, but nothing changes. He just has a low drive. It has nothing to do with her being pregnant or not. Their youngest is 10.

 

I wish I knew what to say to her or how to help.

 

If he has normal testosterone, and really loves his dw as a wife (not just a roommate), he should agree to go to a therapist/counselor.

 

For me, it would be torturous sleeping next to my dh every night, and only getting intimate every 60 days. I wouldn't leave him, but I would sleep in a different room, and I would start charging him rent. If he's not going to be a dh, he's my roommate.

 

For me, the whole point of getting married was dh promised to love me the rest of my life. If that didn't include teA, I wouldn't have given my vow. There would be no reason; without that intimacy, it'd be like living with a great friend. Not what I was looking for.

Edited June 9, 2012 by oasis

[MegP]

I know they went to counseling for a long time years ago. He has never gone to counseling alone and won't go. She went alone for a while last year to help her cope. I feel so bad for her-she has been such a trooper through all this, although I know they fight about it all the time.

[AimeeM]

This is ALL about him. The pregnancy is just an excuse. It's not like he's all over you when you're not pregnant.

 

This has nothing to do with his age, his weight, or your pregnancy. For crying out loud, he has a young, s*xy wife -- most men would be showing you off and acting like a real hound dog around you, not making a move once a month or so.

 

I have to ask -- was he always like this? What was he like when you were dating? Because something seems really wrong here, and it could be something as simple as him having very low testosterone levels or being under a lot of stress, but I have to be honest -- my dh is a lot older than yours, and if he was only interested once a month, I'd start to wonder if he was gay or if he was getting it somewhere else.

 

I'm not telling you that your dh is gay, fooling around, addicted to online p*rn, or that maybe he missed his calling to the priesthood.

 

What I am saying is that this isn't your fault. And I know you say he's a great guy and a wonderful dh, but if he knows you're hurting over this issue and isn't doing anything about it, I'm sorry to say this, but he doesn't sound that great to me.

 

Doesn't he even offer to "do a little something for you" even if he doesn't want anything in return? :confused:

 

I'm so sorry you're upset about this, but please know that you're not being selfish to want a little action from your own dh, and that he IS being selfish by not giving you what you need. You are not being at all unreasonable, but he certainly is.

He has always been like this but really, I don't mind once a month. At this stage of my life, it's all I can handle (even if I *want* more). Lol.

[KirstenH]

I'm 31 and my DH is 47. We only have TEA about once a month, too, but that's because we chart and are terrified of pregnancy. Our libidos aren't super high, but we'd love to be doing it a little bit more often than that, kwim?

 

What you are describing in terms of your DH napping a lot, acting like an old man, etc. ... I don't think that's normal. My DH wakes at 3 AM every morning for his commute and goes to grad school at night. He's justifiably tired. Even so, he only naps maybe once a week. I would suggest your DH get checked out at the doctor's office. Not for the no-sex-during-pregnancy thing ... for the ultra low libido and excessive fatigue thing. Maybe if that gets addressed, the rest will improve. All I know is that it's not normal for a 43 year old man to be "old." 43 is young.

[Liz CA]

.

Edited June 9, 2012 by Liz CA

[LittleIzumi]

What you are describing in terms of your DH napping a lot, acting like an old man, etc. ... I don't think that's normal. My DH wakes at 3 AM every morning for his commute and goes to grad school at night. He's justifiably tired. Even so, he only naps maybe once a week. I would suggest your DH get checked out at the doctor's office. Not for the no-sex-during-pregnancy thing ... for the ultra low libido and excessive fatigue thing. Maybe if that gets addressed, the rest will improve. All I know is that it's not normal for a 43 year old man to be "old." 43 is young.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: I understand the low libido thing (I'm nursing and cosleeping, so there goes mine), but every time I've seen issues like this, including in my own family/friends, it's been low T or hidden addiction to online p*rn. Every time. With his other symptoms, I'd be VERY very suspicious of low testosterone! My dad is in his early 50s with a teenage son and doesn't display any of those symptoms. It's not age--it sounds very much like there is something else at play. If he has low T, it would explain why he honestly doesn't feel the need for teA (and how any little thing can make him completely not need it, at all). :grouphug:

[MegP]

He has always been like this but really, I don't mind once a month. At this stage of my life, it's all I can handle (even if I *want* more). Lol.

 

 

The OP says she does not mind the once a month thing...just does not like the 9-months-with-nothing thing.

[Melinda in VT]

My previous post was about how your DH should meet you in the middle on this, but I agree with you that we can really only control our own actions and attitudes. It sounds like you have made your DH aware of this numerous times, so I'm not sure how much more you can do on that front. I would probably push for counseling, but . . .

 

If I were in your shoes, I would probably self-brew to the extent I needed to keep my hormones in check. I don't view it as a sin, but I used to, so I understand your hesitation. However, it seems less of a sin and less damaging to your marriage than picking fights, sulking, or killing your DH. ;) (Thinking about what I would be like in your shoes, not saying this is how you are.)

 

And I would also start writing down three things I like about your DH each day. I would make sure to spend time doing the things other than teA that made me feel close to him.

[Mary in VA]

What you are describing in terms of your DH napping a lot, acting like an old man, etc. ... I don't think that's normal. My DH wakes at 3 AM every morning for his commute and goes to grad school at night. He's justifiably tired. Even so, he only naps maybe once a week. I would suggest your DH get checked out at the doctor's office. Not for the no-sex-during-pregnancy thing ... for the ultra low libido and excessive fatigue thing. Maybe if that gets addressed, the rest will improve. All I know is that it's not normal for a 43 year old man to be "old." 43 is young.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:Couldn't agree more. To me it sounds like he has some health issues. My dh is 53 and doesn't nap and isn't tired all the time. I would be concerned about his overall health. Maybe you could suggest he get a check-up since he is so tired and about to be a father again.

 

Mary

[justamouse]

If he has normal testosterone, and really loves his dw as a wife (not just a roommate), he should agree to go to a therapist/counselor.

 

For me, it would be torturous sleeping next to my dh every night, and only getting intimate every 60 days. I wouldn't leave him, but I would sleep in a different room, and I would start charging him rent. If he's not going to be a dh, he's my roommate.

 

For me, the whole point of getting married was dh promised to love me the rest of my life. If that didn't include teA, I wouldn't have given my vow. There would be no reason; without that intimacy, it'd be like living with a great friend. Not what I was looking for.

 

Exacty. Marriage IS more than sex, but it's not less than, either. there's a reasons it's helathy to a marriage, it produces attachemnt hormones--it really is glue.

 

That is some truly wonderful advice; and a very valid summary of events. Lol.

 

You put me in thinking mode. He has recently been complaining that he feels he needs to lose weight (he's gained a bit of weight since we married years ago; although I have tried many times to let him know it doesn't bother me, I wonder if this could cause libido problems?). He is concerned about becoming a father again at his age. He naps often. He sometimes makes ill attempts at humor about our age difference (I am 27, he is almost 43); laughing uncomfortably when I do not understand a mention about a musician or that when he went to prom, I was in diapers, etc.

 

Maybe this is more about him and less about my pregnancy. Maybe I should work more on being charitable towards some things HE'S going through, and dwell less on my... desires.

 

Thank you.

 

Being overweight can most definately cause a loss of libido, as do unhealthy eating habits.

 

There's a 9 year difference in age between Dh and I, (I'm 40) and in no way has he slowed down.

 

And we had our last when Dh was 43. Really, it's not that big of a deal. He probably feels more 'old' because he's overweight and unhealthy rather than his actual age.

 

When you are healthy, you feel like you're in your 20s no matter what the mirror says. :001_smile:

 

This is ALL about him. The pregnancy is just an excuse. It's not like he's all over you when you're not pregnant.

 

This has nothing to do with his age, his weight, or your pregnancy. For crying out loud, he has a young, s*xy wife -- most men would be showing you off and acting like a real hound dog around you, not making a move once a month or so.

 

I have to ask -- was he always like this? What was he like when you were dating? Because something seems really wrong here, and it could be something as simple as him having very low testosterone levels or being under a lot of stress, but I have to be honest -- my dh is a lot older than yours, and if he was only interested once a month, I'd start to wonder if he was gay or if he was getting it somewhere else.

 

I'm not telling you that your dh is gay, fooling around, addicted to online p*rn, or that maybe he missed his calling to the priesthood.

 

What I am saying is that this isn't your fault. And I know you say he's a great guy and a wonderful dh, but if he knows you're hurting over this issue and isn't doing anything about it, I'm sorry to say this, but he doesn't sound that great to me.

 

Doesn't he even offer to "do a little something for you" even if he doesn't want anything in return? :confused:

 

I'm so sorry you're upset about this, but please know that you're not being selfish to want a little action from your own dh, and that he IS being selfish by not giving you what you need. You are not being at all unreasonable, but he certainly is.

 

:iagree:

 

Make an appointment with a couselor.

[Soror]

I think you are well within your marital rights to ask him to fulfill the marital debt, however as you said you cannot force it. I commend your sacrifice and your willingness to love him irregardless. It is irrelevant what works or is "normal" in other relationships as these things vary so widely. As mentioned previously as well in previous times it was not unheard of for married couples to choose to abstain. Perhaps reading and meditating on that for the time being would be helpful. I agree w/ pp as well that it has absolutely nothing to do with you, I'd be meditating as well on God's love for you as a child of God. That helps me when I'm feeling hurt and rejected. I think if we immerse ourselves in prayer and reading the Bible it can really help you, pray for the grace you need to make it through this difficult time. Pray for guidance from God on how to solve this issue, pray for your dh as well(if for nothing else that you can forgive him and move past the hurt).

 

I think since you are close to the end of pregnancy it would be prudent to wait until afterwards to bring it up after things are back to "normal" to help diffuse the anger, frustration, hurt etc. I think you need to approach your dh about getting a medical check-up he doesn't sound like a man who is healthy. I'm not an expert(or claim to be) but it sounds like depression and/or low testosterone. I would push pretty hard for him to get checked out and perhaps after dealing with that pushing towards couple counselling if the cause is not found and resolved.

[Catwoman]

I think you need to approach your dh about getting a medical check-up he doesn't sound like a man who is healthy. I'm not an expert(or claim to be) but it sounds like depression and/or low testosterone.

 

:iagree:

 

And low testosterone can be a cause of depression and lack of motivation/ambition, lack of energy, and all sorts of other stuff. If his levels are low, the lack of libido may actually be the least of the concerns, because the other symptoms can really make a guy feel unsuccessful or like less of a man, and that can be difficult to deal with on a daily basis. If he's had low T for a long time, he may not even realize that the way he's feeling isn't really normal, because it has become "normal for him."

 

Google the symptoms for low testosterone and see if they seem to fit your dh. Maybe they won't, but it sounds like they might.

[hollyh]

This is not a YOU issue. It is not because you are unattractive, unloved, or unwanted. This is something to do with him. Do not let it affect the way you view yourself. Hang in there and pray that God will reveal the reasons to you so that you both can have healing in your marriage.

[stripe]

Out of curiosity is there some treatment for low testosterone or is the point of testing just to be able to say, "Oh, that's why?"

[MegP]

There is treatment, yes. But in the case of my friend, her husband's testosterone levels are perfectly normal, and she says that he still doesn't have much of a libido.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I haven't read all the responses, but I asked dh about your original post, because he's 10.5 years older than I am. He's 53 right now and slightly overweight, and our bed time togetherness has definitely slowed down since having kids and being more tired and busy- just to give you an idea of where his answer is coming from.

 

He didn't think it was normal for your dh to be that uninterested on a regular basis. He definitely did not understand the reasoning for abstaining during pregnancy. He agrees with my initial gut reaction that there is definitely some other issue- physical or psychological going on with your dh. This is definitely not about his feelings for you. Since you say he was always like this, then maybe he doesn't know how unusual it is and doesn't see it as a problem.

 

Maybe after things settle down a little after the new baby and YOUR hormones level off a bit, you can try discussing the situation with him again, and see if he will get himself checked out.

[laughing lioness]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:Couldn't agree more. To me it sounds like he has some health issues. My dh is 53 and doesn't nap and isn't tired all the time. I would be concerned about his overall health. Maybe you could suggest he get a check-up since he is so tired and about to be a father again.

 

Mary

 

:iagree:Health check-up time.

[goldberry]

I am a low-libido woman married to a high libido man (51!). There have been MANY times when I have not been up for activity for certain periods of time (after about 4 months pregnant, another time during a depression).

 

I could never express how grateful I was to my husband for being so considerate and understanding, and not making me feel like I was a horrible wife because of it. Yes, we talked, yes he let me know that he loved having tEa with me and missed it, but understood what I was going through. I also let him know without doubt that it had nothing to do with him, that I loved him and felt close to him, but during these certain times I just wasn't wanting to do it.

 

It sounds like the OP has a wonderful husband who for whatever reason doesn't want to have sex with her WHILE SHE IS PREGNANT. This is not all the time, and the fact is that the OP is happy with their sex life outside of the pregnancy. The frequency makes no difference, she is happy with it. If it were happening at other times outside of the pregnancy, then yes, maybe there would be bigger issues.

 

All of this, "I would demand to know what was going on, I would be pitching a fit, he's got something wrong with him"...WOW. If my husband had a approached me like that during my "down times" the "down times" would never have ended.

 

OP, if you really feel like you are ok with your husband outside of this issue and just want to find a way to deal with it, then I would focus on how you can feel loved and attractive during that time without the sex. You say he is adoring to you, do you not believe him because of the no sex? Do you not believe him when he says it's something about the pregnancy and not about you? When I was in a "down time" it TRULY had nothing to do with my husband. And the fact that he gave me the room to just work through that time was a gift beyond value.

 

I don't agree with everyone who says something is "obviously wrong". There MAY be something wrong, but it could also be just one of those quirky things your DH is a little weird about. Don't let it drive a wedge in an otherwise great relationship.

[alisoncooks]

:iagree: