Would you go to the funeral?

[ma23peas]

So hard to be brief...but will try.

 

My husband's father just passed today. Twelve years ago, his parents (led mostly by his father) cut us out of their life. In short, they were angry at my husband for not visiting them more. They began to drink at 3:00 everyday and are functioning alcoholics..but during my dh's childhood, pretty bad and sad conditions occurred. My dh told them we wanted the kids to know them but could not visit if they were drinking, it just brought up too much pain for him. His father became enraged and told my dh if he had to choose bw Jim Beam and my dh, that my dh loses. The sad part is that is not what he was saying, he never said he had to stop drinking but to not get angry at us if we chose not to be around them when they did.

Each year, we have sent Christmas cards even though we were threatened with legal action if we ever contacted them...I just did not put a return address and I am fairly certain his mother was able to hide it from the father. From our side, we have aways been open to a relationship...but his father is a controlling person, not talking to his only sister for 40 years over money and forbidding my dh's siblings from talking to my dh or he would cut them out of the will. There is also a history of just lewd behavior that made us want to be guarded.

My knee jerk is that my husband should ask his mother if she would like him to come...and just go by her wishes...but, I am sure she is distraught and my dh just wants to avoid drama. He is not sad about his father passing but very disappointed that his father never cared enough to reach out to him. That just breaks my heart. Should we send flowers? Card? So confused.

[Lawana]

IMO, you go to a funeral to support the living as much as to honor the dead. I know honoring his father is not his primary motive, but he could definitely be there to support his mother. It wouldn't be out of place to do as you suggest, contacting his mother first to make sure it wouldn't make things worse.

[Kim in Appalachia]

He should call his mother. He should offer his sympathies and ask what she wants. She is the one who matters right now. He should also call his siblings and see what they think. He could send his mother a card, but if it were me, I would not send flowers.

 

I'm sorry for what you are both going through. :grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

I'm so sorry for all of this, for you and for your husband.

 

My own father was estranged from my sister (his first born) for years and years, and only started speaking again about 3 years ago. He and my brother still don't speak. I know how hard it can be.

 

My opinion is that the funeral is for the survivors, not the deceased. Even if he hasn't spoken to his mother, either, does he talk to any of his brothers and sisters? If so, and if they're close, then he could go to be a support system for them. He could certainly ask his mother, like you said, but if the estrangement was truly led by the father then she would likely appreciate his being there regardless of what her own knee jerk response would be if he were to ask.

 

Best to all of you.

[Mama Geek]

So hard to be brief...but will try.

 

My husband's father just passed today. Twelve years ago, his parents (led mostly by his father) cut us out of their life. In short, they were angry at my husband for not visiting them more. They began to drink at 3:00 everyday and are functioning alcoholics..but during my dh's childhood, pretty bad and sad conditions occurred. My dh told them we wanted the kids to know them but could not visit if they were drinking, it just brought up too much pain for him. His father became enraged and told my dh if he had to choose bw Jim Beam and my dh, that my dh loses. The sad part is that is not what he was saying, he never said he had to stop drinking but to not get angry at us if we chose not to be around them when they did.

Each year, we have sent Christmas cards even though we were threatened with legal action if we ever contacted them...I just did not put a return address and I am fairly certain his mother was able to hide it from the father. From our side, we have aways been open to a relationship...but his father is a controlling person, not talking to his only sister for 40 years over money and forbidding my dh's siblings from talking to my dh or he would cut them out of the will. There is also a history of just lewd behavior that made us want to be guarded.

My knee jerk is that my husband should ask his mother if she would like him to come...and just go by her wishes...but, I am sure she is distraught and my dh just wants to avoid drama. He is not sad about his father passing but very disappointed that his father never cared enough to reach out to him. That just breaks my heart. Should we send flowers? Card? So confused.

 

What does your dh want to do? Would him going help his mom or siblings at this time? Does he need closure? I would tend to listen to his gut on this. If he isn't sure he could call is mom and ask if she would like for him to be there.

[Truscifi]

IMO, you go to a funeral to support the living as much as to honor the dead. I know honoring his father is not his primary motive, but he could definitely be there to support his mother. It wouldn't be out of place to do as you suggest, contacting his mother first to make sure it wouldn't make things worse.

 

:iagree: Especially if he wants to have a relationship with his mother at some point.

[kitten18]

IMO, you go to a funeral to support the living as much as to honor the dead. I know honoring his father is not his primary motive, but he could definitely be there to support his mother. It wouldn't be out of place to do as you suggest, contacting his mother first to make sure it wouldn't make things worse.

:iagree::grouphug:

[Dobela]

Instead of flowers I would make a donation in memorial to a favorite charity. I would go to the funeral because more than mom and siblings will likely be there. It can be a time to reconnect with cousins, friends, and others that come to comfort the family.

[BigMamaBird]

I sorry this is happening :grouphug:

 

I would ask my dh what he wanted to do then completely support him. I hope your family can eventually find some peace.

[Ali in OR]

I would go to reconnect with other family members.

[ma23peas]

:iagree: Especially if he wants to have a relationship with his mother at some point.

 

That is our hope, his mom had such a dependency on her husband..it was not clear if things she said were her feelings or reflecting her husband's...my husband has two siblings...one was his mother's by her first marriage, he, too, is an alcolholic, going to 3-5 AA meetings a week when we knew him...he is very successful but saw his family less than two hours a year..he has never contacted us and I sent cards to him every year until he moved and remarried. He is 11 years older, no kids, a professional with eccentricities. His sister has not called us in 10 years before today...I keep up with her through social media but that is it. There is mistrust there bc she did some mean things to my dh. When my dhs grandmother (mom) died, his mother asked his sister to tell my dh to go by her apt and pick out items he may want, he loved his grandmother. So, my husband picked out three sentimental items, worth less than $50 total but meant a good deal to him. A few weeks passed and his sister had still not brought the items over...I called her about them and she said she was forbidden by her father to give them to Louie. He would never have known if his sister had not told the father..it was his mother's wish that my dh have them..but whatever the dad said went...it was just not a nice thing for his sister to do, so there is not a lot of trust there...both she and my dh are adopted...just a lot of issues.

 

Dh does not know what to do and is asking me for help, I am asking you guys to see through my pain for him to make a clear decision. :(

[Pippen]

He should call his mother. He should offer his sympathies and ask what she wants. She is the one who matters right now. He should also call his siblings and see what they think. He could send his mother a card, but if it were me, I would not send flowers.

 

I'm sorry for what you are both going through. :grouphug:

 

If he decides to go, I would leave kids at home at this time since you can't be sure of what kind of family drama may comes out in situations like this.

 

:grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

IMO, you go to a funeral to support the living as much as to honor the dead. I know honoring his father is not his primary motive, but he could definitely be there to support his mother. It wouldn't be out of place to do as you suggest, contacting his mother first to make sure it wouldn't make things worse.

 

Absolutely. I would go. It's for his mother now.

[ma23peas]

Instead of flowers I would make a donation in memorial to a favorite charity. I would go to the funeral because more than mom and siblings will likely be there. It can be a time to reconnect with cousins, friends, and others that come to comfort the family.

 

Very isolated family, due to his father writing his own sister out, my dh never knew his 2 cousins...his mother has no siblings. So, the only family there would be his sister, mom and brother...His sister did start sending us Christmas cards about 5 years ago and like I said I see her on FB..but she is not on often...my dh has just been hurt by them a lot and hate to see him go through anymore.

[sunriseiz]

He should call his mother. He should offer his sympathies and ask what she wants. She is the one who matters right now. He should also call his siblings and see what they think. He could send his mother a card, but if it were me, I would not send flowers.

 

I'm sorry for what you are both going through. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

We actually had the opposite situation and "weren't allowed" to go to the funeral for dh's father. Either way, it's hard.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[ma23peas]

:iagree:

We actually had the opposite situation and "weren't allowed" to go to the funeral for dh's father. Either way, it's hard.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Yes, it would infuriate dh's father if Dh came...so not sure where his mother's heart is after these years.

[G5052]

I was estranged from my parents when Dad died because of years of family issues, especially my mother's mental issues which had gotten worse because of dementia. My father was an enabler, I spoke with him on the phone just a few times in his last year of life. Both of my parents blamed their many issues on me, and my mother told her friends all kinds of horrible lies to explain why I was estranged.

 

I flew home, but went alone (no DH or kids) and stayed with another estranged relative rather than with mom in town. I was prepared to leave at any time, and even told the minister ahead of time that I was not going to tolerate the verbal abuse that I anticipated by showing up. Mom had a long history of physical and verbal abuse against my father and her children, and I didn't know what to expect.

 

It actually went fine. The whole thing was unpleasant, but there was no big blow-up or ugliness. Mom and I never did "make up," but it went to an uneasy truce at that point. I'm glad that I went. I didn't linger though and was ready to leave at any time.

[Kathryn]

I also think that he should contact his mother and ask her what she would like/is comfortable with. It sounds as if dad called the shots and I'd be surprised if he didn't find that his mother turns out to be quite a different person than she was while dad was alive. That's what happened with DH's grandparents.

[ma23peas]

I also think that he should contact his mother and ask her what she would like/is comfortable with. It sounds as if dad called the shots and I'd be surprised if he didn't find that his mother turns out to be quite a different person than she was while dad was alive. That's what happened with DH's grandparents.

That is my hope, the fact his mother respected his relationship with his grandmother enough to let dh choose a few things tells me she has more care in her heart than his father had. His sister just called again and said she would like to see us...she said that once before and I gave her a time but she renegged...most likely afraid her father might find out. His mother told me once that my husband was evil and hoped he did not break my heart like he did hers...there is not an evil bone in my husband...he is an awesome partner...but for a mother to say that about her own child just floored me, just a lot of not nice sentiments over the years.

[Harriet Vane]

Go.

[Heatherwith4]

I also think that he should contact his mother and ask her what she would like/is comfortable with. It sounds as if dad called the shots and I'd be surprised if he didn't find that his mother turns out to be quite a different person than she was while dad was alive. That's what happened with DH's grandparents.

:iagree: My grandmother became a different person after my grandpa died. I think he should give her a call.

[Melissa in Australia]

I would encourage him to go so he can get closure.

[gardenmom5]

I think your suggestion he ask his mother is a good one. If not, then do send flowers and a handwritten letter for his mother.

[J-rap]

I would encourage him to call his mother and ask her if she would like him to be there, if it would mean something to her. If she responds 'not really' or something along those lines, then I wouldn't go.

 

I'd send her a card where your husband can gently relay his feelings to her, send her his love, and gain closure that way.

 

I don't think I'd do anything else.

[Lisbeth]

I would NOT go. I don't understand spineless women who put a man above their own children. Nope. I would not go to support her, either: where was her support for her son for so long? It would feel like groveling, and I'm not into that. I mean, how many slapped hands does it take until you don't reach out anymore? Just sayin.'

 

My vote, apparently in the minority, is no. Mom made her choice, and now that the chosen one is gone, well, tough.

Edited May 24, 2012 by Lisbeth
wrong wording

[sunriseiz]

I would NOT go. I don't understand spineless women who put a man above their own children. Nope. I would not go to support her, either: where was her support for her son for so long? It would feel like groveling, and I'm not into that. I mean, how many slapped hands does it take until you don't reach out anymore? Just sayin.'

 

My vote, apparently in the minority, is no. Mom made her choice, and now that the chosen one is gone, well, tough.

 

As I've watched my parents and ILs age, i think it gets harder and harder to see that things can be any differently than they have for 50 years or however long. Things do change when a spouse dies. My dad died in April, and already my mom has come out of her shell and finally acknowledged the verbal and emotional abuse she endured. We discussed that this is a turning point in her life and she can make different choices for herself now without fear of repercussions.

 

I would say if his mom wants him to come and he wants to go he should, but that's just MHO. It wouldn't mean there would be a relationship, but it doesn't close the door.

[QuirkyKapers]

I would go.

[Farrar]

I know she's distraught, but call the mother and ask her. Say he wants to come, but knows there has been tension and wants more to respect her wishes.

 

I was on the other end of a situation where there had been a familial rift and the family members unexpectedly announced they were coming to the funeral. The widow flipped out, understandably, because there was so much tension there and she didn't think she could take it - it stirred up too much. She relayed that she didn't want them to come and they respected that. I think it seemed like it was a grand healing gesture sort of thing to them, but felt manipulative and mean to the family at the funeral. Anyway, all this is just to say that I think the wishes of the mother get primary consideration in this case.

[trailofsparks]

You said for your part you were always open to a relationship with them. You also said re the Christmas cards that your mil probably kept them from fil. So, yes, you should feel free to go and grieve with those who grieve. Drama can only really happen if both parties engage - purpose in your mind not to engage. God bless.

[bookfiend]

DH should express his desire to support her as would most benefit her and offer to go, either now or at a later time to give support an comfort - whichever his Mom would prefer. He should both speak with his Mom and send her the offer in writing. Later when she is less sticken with grief, she will remember the truth that he wanted to come.

 

If you are able, arrange for someone to stay behind with your children, so that you can comfort and care for your DH. Stay silent as much as possible around his family. Tensions will be high, people say unconsidered and hurtful things (not you).

[gardenmom5]

As I've watched my parents and ILs age, i think it gets harder and harder to see that things can be any differently than they have for 50 years or however long. Things do change when a spouse dies. My dad died in April, and already my mom has come out of her shell and finally acknowledged the verbal and emotional abuse she endured. We discussed that this is a turning point in her life and she can make different choices for herself now without fear of repercussions.

 

I would say if his mom wants him to come and he wants to go he should, but that's just MHO. It wouldn't mean there would be a relationship, but it doesn't close the door.

:iagree: As the years went by, I was able to see and understand much more clearly the emotional and mental abuse my mother endured at the hands of HER very controlling mother - and how adversely it affected my parents marriage and her parenting of her own children. After years of being in that kind of relationship - changing the dynamics is a big deal and can be very hard for outsiders to understand.

[ma23peas]

Thank you all, I am going to share these with dh...the timing makes me wonder about God's hand in this, we live 3.5 hours away and make it there (my parents live in the same town) about 2x a year...it just so happens my girls have a competition in their town so our family will be in town staying with my family...it is nice that if he decides to go, he will be there...my children do not want to go, they never really met them, but they are showering him with love...they have grown up praying for them and only knowing that we love them despite the chasm. I appreciate all your insights, it really helps!

[RanchGirl]

I would NOT go. I don't understand spineless women who put a man above their own children. Nope. I would not go to support her, either: where was her support for her son for so long? It would feel like groveling, and I'm not into that. I mean, how many slapped hands does it take until you don't reach out anymore? Just sayin.'

 

My vote, apparently in the minority, is no. Mom made her choice, and now that the chosen one is gone, well, tough.

 

I agree with this to an extent. Given the little you have shared, I would not call her or go to support her. I don't think it's fair to put that burden on your dh after what he has endured from his parents in the past. She is a co-dependent alchoholic who has been abusive in the past; he needs to be extremely careful about interacting with her and letting her manipulate him. If at some point comes to her senses, takes responsibility for her actions and changes her ways, then there might be some hope. But IMO, there needs to be some effort from Mom first. At this point, he just cannot be any kind of support for this woman.

 

However, if your dh is at all on the fence about going for his own reasons (perhaps closure on his relationship with his father), then I would go. *If* he wants to go for himself, I would go and sit in the back, not contact the family and definitely not sit with them.

 

I don't think he can make a bad decision, he should just do what he feels is best for himself. Personally, I would probably not go but I might schedule a private trip to visit the grave, and grieve the loss of a happy childhood that I endured because of the selfish choices of my parents.

[kroe1]

Even as harsh as Lisbeth's post may seem, I agree. The truth just hurts sometimes.

 

I feel sad for your loss.

[angel marie]

I would not go to the funeral. I'd send a card. If ya'll didn't have a relationship in recent years with this man while he was alive (and I know it wasn't entirely your choosing) then I wouldn't show up to his funeral! I'm sure mom is still drinking and I'm sure you continue not to want to expose yourselves to that. I wouldn't. Addiction is hard to beat, and we should have compassion, but I wouldn't expose myself to it.

 

Good luck. Hard decisions!

 

Angel

Edited May 25, 2012 by angel marie
thought about it