Is it Rude or normal? how we talk about money

[Karen in CO]

Is it rude to ask how much something costs? How about asking how much college costs for a child? While dh and I were at a party, the conversation I was in turned to kids. Several had kids in college which is made it a good conversation. After I told about my ds being in school in Japan, someone asked how much it costs. I was raised very Southern with a prohibition against talking about money, politics and religion with people unless you know them well. I answered that it was about the same as an American university except the exchange rate can cause large fluctuations. I felt uncomfortable but wondered if I'm just weird. So tell, me. Weird, uncomfortable or rude?

[OrganicAnn]

If they were just curious about if it was more or less than American schools or wanted just some general sense, then I think it isn't as rude and your answer was great. But it was probably felt more like 'how much did that cost YOU', which is kinda rude.

[LillyMama]

I guess if you hear the question "How much does this school cost?" as something that this person could find out pretty easily with just a little research (tuition isn't a secret) then you answered it perfectly. It sounds like you heard, "How much money are you spending on that?" and then that, of course, is rude.

 

I am probably guilty of crossing the line in these things, because I tend to see things more of a "this costs this much" and less of a "I spent this much." This is probably a by-product of the fact that I've lived most of my life in pretty comfortable financial situations. So I'm less sensitive to other perspectives of money and it's less personal to me than to others. Guess I'm a bit spoiled like that.

[Dustybug]

Well, I'm in the South, but raised in the North(where we did not talk about money). My DH and his family and most people I have come into contact here talk about what EVERYTHING costs. I've been asked before what I paid for a gift or TOLD how much was paid for a gift in a "You'll never believe the deal I got on that!" fashion.

[J-rap]

I don't see anything wrong, personally, with asking "How much is tuition at that college?" It is information they could look up on the internet, in a catalog, or get from me. It's not personal information. If they asked me how much we actually paid, that's a different story. What a person pays might be very different than the actual tuition -- when you take into account scholarships, gifts from grandparents, etc.

[Danestress]

but becoming more common. It's not so much a matter of "is this a matter of public record" but just that it is sort of tacky to talk at all about what things cost. I think it probably says something about Americans that we have so many taboos built around money - maybe because we recognize that we have an unhealthy interest in it. But I was raised that it's just tacky to talk about how much people make, what things cost, etc.

[Shellydon]

Because most people don't send their children to college in Japan, it would pique interest and people might wonder how much it cost and if it would be feasible for them. I don't think it was rude.

[JennyD]

I was raised in the NYC area and would never ask a question like that. Totally intrusive and rude, IMO. But your answer was perfect.

[SKL]

If it was a general question about whether Japanese colleges are as expensive as US ones, then I would not be uncomfortable. Otherwise, yuck.

[hollyh]

I don't think it was rude at all. General conversation. Interesting topic and the person inquired about it. No big deal.

 

Now, if the person asked specifically how much YOU paid, how you could afford it, or if it set you back - that is personal and tacky.

 

However, I am a Cali girl. So, I'm sure we are a bit more relaxed over here!:lol:

[kalanamak]

You're going to laugh at this one:

 

It isn't rude if someone asks me, but I think it is rude if I ask someone.

 

(i.e. I don't mind being asked, but I would be uncomfortable asking.)

[freerange]

Because most people don't send their children to college in Japan, it would pique interest and people might wonder how much it cost and if it would be feasible for them. I don't think it was rude.

:iagree:

[Melissa in Australia]

I have an acquaintance that every time she comes to visit ( about 2 times a year) asks me how much my bills are,how much my income is and how much money I have in the bank. I am always rather vague.... I have often wondered if it is because she is a Filipino or if it is just her.

[DawnM]

I don't really think that is rude. I have a rising 9th grader and I am always wanting to know costs of college and what scholarships might be out there, etc....it is useful info to me and I wouldn't be asking to size up your finances.

 

Dawn

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I wouldn't think that asking about college costs is that rude unless they were asking about your personal expenditure. The rising cost of college education is a frequent news topic, etc. And wondering about costs in a different country seems like a general interest question.

 

I would be taken aback if someone asked how much I made, how much we spent on things, etc. That would be rude, imo.

[Butter]

I don't think it's rude to ask something like that. It probably came from genuine curiosity and, really, you don't often run into someone sending a kid to college overseas so it's even more of a curiosity thing. It's not like they were asking specifics from you about how you pay for it ("how do you afford that?!?!"). That would have been rude. I'll bet your answer is exactly what they were looking for, just comparing it to American university costs.

[DawnM]

I found that people are different about some of those things here in NC. People don't generally talk about the price of their house, etc...like they did in California. We just laid it all out there!

 

We moved here and nobody talked about the price of their house (well, some did but it wasn't common).

 

Very different.

 

Of course, with Zillow there isn't much privacy anymore! :lol:

 

I don't think it was rude at all. General conversation. Interesting topic and the person inquired about it. No big deal.

 

Now, if the person asked specifically how much YOU paid, how you could afford it, or if it set you back - that is personal and tacky.

 

However, I am a Cali girl. So, I'm sure we are a bit more relaxed over here!:lol:

[Kathryn]

Well, I'm in the South, but raised in the North(where we did not talk about money). My DH and his family and most people I have come into contact here talk about what EVERYTHING costs. I've been asked before what I paid for a gift or TOLD how much was paid for a gift in a "You'll never believe the deal I got on that!" fashion.

 

I don't see anything wrong, personally, with asking "How much is tuition at that college?" It is information they could look up on the internet, in a catalog, or get from me. It's not personal information. If they asked me how much we actually paid, that's a different story. What a person pays might be very different than the actual tuition -- when you take into account scholarships, gifts from grandparents, etc.

 

I agree. If it's public information vs. Personal information, I don't think it's rude. I'm from the South too, and people here love to talk about the great deals they got on things. Generally, you just don't ask about income here.

[DawnM]

True, but it is a general idea.

 

Dawn

 

Well here they publish house purchases in the newspaper. So not difficult to find that out. But I still wouldn't really want to be asked.

 

Oh and Zillow is not accurate. They published what we paid and it's not what we paid.

[J-rap]

And now that we're on the subject, how much is college in Japan? (Just kidding! My daughter goes to school full-time in Costa Rica, so I get asked that question, too. :))

[justamouse]

It depends. If they were trying to gauge you, then rude, but if they were looking for information, then not rude. Your answer was perfect.

 

I'm thinking they wanted to fit that information within a framework of, "was that option available to their child, also".

 

I always help people with the latter. Information is power.

[RanchGirl]

I don't think it was rude at all. General conversation. Interesting topic and the person inquired about it. No big deal.

 

Now, if the person asked specifically how much YOU paid, how you could afford it, or if it set you back - that is personal and tacky.

 

However, I am a Cali girl. So, I'm sure we are a bit more relaxed over here!:lol:

 

Ditto, I am from CA originally and that was my answer too. I probably wouldnt ask someone that directly, I might say "is that similar to x type school here?"

[Parrothead]

I think "How much does that cost," is rude. Asking if the cost of international university is comparable to ivy league or something similar maybe not so rude, but not something one asks a relative stranger.

[Heather in AL]

I don't think it's rude to ask something like that. It probably came from genuine curiosity and, really, you don't often run into someone sending a kid to college overseas so it's even more of a curiosity thing. It's not like they were asking specifics from you about how you pay for it ("how do you afford that?!?!"). That would have been rude. I'll bet your answer is exactly what they were looking for, just comparing it to American university costs.

 

:iagree: In fact, the moment I saw that your son was going to college in Japan (a long time ago), I wondered how it compared economically to college here in the states. The reply you gave your questioner satisfied my own curiosity. :D It also made me realize that I should ask my dc if they want to consider looking outside the US for school.

 

It depends. If they were trying to gauge you, then rude, but if they were looking for information, then not rude. Your answer was perfect.

 

I'm thinking they wanted to fit that information within a framework of, "was that option available to their child, also".

 

I always help people with the latter. Information is power.

 

:iagree: with everything here. Often, when someone does something outside the norm, people will be curious and ask questions. I have been asked what the cc costs when people hear my ds is dual enrolled there. I just give a ballpark figure (it's all on their website, anyway).

 

Since only you know the tone of the question, and of the conversation in general, it's hard for us to say if it was asked with general curiosity, or with a slant towards asking about your personal finances. If it was general curiosity, it wouldn't bother me.

[PinkInTheBlue]

I don't think it was rude at all. General conversation. Interesting topic and the person inquired about it. No big deal.

 

Now, if the person asked specifically how much YOU paid, how you could afford it, or if it set you back - that is personal and tacky.

 

However, I am a Cali girl. So, I'm sure we are a bit more relaxed over here!:lol:

 

:iagree: except I'm a southern girl. You have to admit you have a unique situation and curiousity would be normal. I seriously doubt it's personal. I would ask a lot of questions purely out of fascination.

[Kari C in SC]

I found that people are different about some of those things here in NC. People don't generally talk about the price of their house, etc...like they did in California. We just laid it all out there!

 

We moved here and nobody talked about the price of their house (well, some did but it wasn't common).

 

Very different.

 

Of course, with Zillow there isn't much privacy anymore! :lol:

 

You really didn't need Zillow to get that information. House purchases are public record. We bought a house in my husband's brother's and 2 sisters' neighborhood. Before we purchased the home - I looked up the public records for the neighborhood to see what taxes, going prices were. In discussion, I mentioned that I had looked up the tax records. My bil was a bit taken back that anyone could know what your taxes were and what you paid for a house. To me it was common knowledge - to him if was a big deal. To each his own.

[EmilyK]

Because most people don't send their children to college in Japan, it would pique interest and people might wonder how much it cost and if it would be feasible for them. I don't think it was rude.

 

I get why the OP was uncomfortable, but I might ask for these reasons, when I would normally never ask about a consumer item. Knowing that my kids will be heading off before too long has made me wonder about how costs are in different countries, and if I had someone in front of me the above would be my motivation in asking.

[Night Elf]

:iagree: with everything here. Often, when someone does something outside the norm, people will be curious and ask questions. I have been asked what the cc costs when people hear my ds is dual enrolled there. I just give a ballpark figure (it's all on their website, anyway).

 

Since only you know the tone of the question, and of the conversation in general, it's hard for us to say if it was asked with general curiosity, or with a slant towards asking about your personal finances. If it was general curiosity, it wouldn't bother me.

 

:iagree: I also think sometimes people just blurt things out without really stopping to think about the appropriateness of the question. I'll be honest and say that when I read your child goes to school in Japan, the first thing I thought was 'wow they must either be loaded or in crazy debt.' I wouldn't have the guts to ask questions aloud though. I am very uncomfortable talking prices. I didn't even like telling other homeschool moms how much my kids' music lessons were. I felt like they were judging me, probably because talking money does that with me. There I said it. FWIW, I think the same thing whenever I hear someone say their child attends some big college. It's just so far out of my realm of possibility that I'm in awe and a bit jealous.

[gardening momma]

After I told about my ds being in school in Japan, someone asked how much it costs.....So tell, me. Weird, uncomfortable or rude?

I don't think it was rude. They weren't asking how much money you make, what you spend on clothes, what you spend on groceries each week. They were asking what that college in Japan costs. To me, that's no more personal than asking what food they serve in the cafeteria there. How much tuition is does not say how much of that is paid in grants, scholarships, loans, money from parents, or money from the student's job.

[Jilly]

I don't think it was rude at all. General conversation. Interesting topic and the person inquired about it. No big deal.

 

Now, if the person asked specifically how much YOU paid, how you could afford it, or if it set you back - that is personal and tacky.

 

However, I am a Cali girl. So, I'm sure we are a bit more relaxed over here!:lol:

 

:iagree: Also from Ca, and I don't think it was rude.

[LostSurprise]

I consider it rude to ask what someone makes or how they choose to spend their money, but I do not think its rude to ask generally about how something costs in another country. Its not general knowledge, nor is it a particularly intimate detail.

 

Dh and I have both been to Japan. I had a German roommate in college, and a good friend from Japan. I personally find the subject of higher education costs and how different countries deal with them very interesting.

 

Things are expensive in Japan. Its easy to get the idea that college costs are expensive too. Its just party conversation.

 

However, if you're not comfortable with that, answer it as you like. Your answer was very gracious. Just don't take it personally. It isn't necessarily a way to break into your privacy, just an attempt to make conversation around a potentially interesting subject.

[prairiebird]

I'd probably ask, and it would definately be in a- how does that compare to local public or private colleges - way and not in a OMG how do you afford that- type way. It wouldn't be rude here, but digging more would be. To me, it's the same as someone telling me their kid is at University of Chicago, and me asking what tuition is there right now. I wouldn't go asking them how they're paying for it though unless they brought it up in some way.

[Karen in CO]

I don't think it was rude. They weren't asking how much money you make, what you spend on clothes, what you spend on groceries each week. They were asking what that college in Japan costs. To me, that's no more personal than asking what food they serve in the cafeteria there. How much tuition is does not say how much of that is paid in grants, scholarships, loans, money from parents, or money from the student's job.

 

 

Here's what I am comfortable talking about: He has a job which pays his books (about $25 per semester if you're interested), transportation (about $500 - $1000 per semester) and rent (about $500 per month on 1/3 of a three bedroom apartment 2 hours by train plus a mile by foot outside of Tokyo). Transportation home for summer and holidays is a huge expense. Everything also changes by semester since I give him money in US dollars, and his bills are all in yen. When the dollar is strong against the yen like it was when he first went, I'm happy. When it is weak, I cringe.

Edited May 20, 2012 by Karen in CO

[Karen in CO]

but becoming more common. It's not so much a matter of "is this a matter of public record" but just that it is sort of tacky to talk at all about what things cost. I think it probably says something about Americans that we have so many taboos built around money - maybe because we recognize that we have an unhealthy interest in it. But I was raised that it's just tacky to talk about how much people make, what things cost, etc.

 

Thanks for this. Somebody has to uphold Southern values with me. :D

[Karen in CO]

:iagree: I also think sometimes people just blurt things out without really stopping to think about the appropriateness of the question. I'll be honest and say that when I read your child goes to school in Japan, the first thing I thought was 'wow they must either be loaded or in crazy debt.' I wouldn't have the guts to ask questions aloud though. I am very uncomfortable talking prices. I didn't even like telling other homeschool moms how much my kids' music lessons were. I felt like they were judging me, probably because talking money does that with me. There I said it. FWIW, I think the same thing whenever I hear someone say their child attends some big college. It's just so far out of my realm of possibility that I'm in awe and a bit jealous.

 

I'm actually neither. But maybe it depends on how we define each.

[mommy5]

I don't think it was rude at all. General conversation. Interesting topic and the person inquired about it. No big deal.

 

Now, if the person asked specifically how much YOU paid, how you could afford it, or if it set you back - that is personal and tacky.

 

However, I am a Cali girl. So, I'm sure we are a bit more relaxed over here!:lol:

 

:iagree: