Hospitality - guests and toys

[Mama Anna]

Okay, I need outside input on this one. What do you do when your child has a toy she really likes and a friend comes over and wants to play with it - but your dd doesn't want it to be played with? (Issues like it might be broken or messed up realistically exist.)

 

I can see both sides: Dd got it for Christmas and she's concerned a much younger girl might break it/mess it up. The first time this happened, I allowed Dd to put it away and just let the friend know that it was off limits at the time. The little friend was very persistent in talking about it and wishing for it for the rest of the visit. (It's natural, I suppose - she was 3 at the time.)

 

This time, the friend came over unexpectedly (dd hadn't had a chance to put it away, completely out of sight) and when friend asked to play with it, I thought dd had shown it to her. I basically required dd to let her play with it. After all, guests should be treated hospitably. Dd was very unhappy, of course.

 

So, how does this go? I'm no expert in the art of hospitality. I want to honor a guest and teach my children to do the same, but it goes against the grain that a guest can point at anything and say, "I want to play with that!" and have it automatically given to her, regardless of possible damage. Normally I would just say, "Keep it out of sight." But is there a line of reasonable/polite behavior on the part of the guest? Can a hostess politely say, "I'm sorry, dd's toy needs to be put up right now." and stick with it (even in the face of annoying youthful persistence) without feeling like a rude jerk?

 

Also, I know hospitality is a regional thing. If you give your opinion, could you also name your region? (ie. Northeast, South, Midwest, etc.)

 

Thanks!

 

Mama Anna

[frugalmama]

I'm in the south, but grew up in both the south and the north.

 

Our family rule is that if it's something you don't want to share with others, it needs to stay in your room or mama's room and now be out in the living room. We only allow visitors in the living room and public areas - not in bedrooms.

[61Keys]

I don't require my kids to share their special toys. These toys must be put away in their room or my closet. I don't encourage guests playing in bedrooms either.

[regentrude]

I would let my kids have the opportunity to put special possessions away and would not force them to share those very special things. (I assume there woudl be plenty of other toys for the guests to play with.)

I consider myself a hospitable person - but I have private possessions I would never share with my guests. I believe a child should also have this right.

[cindergretta]

I assume this is a toy that is put away when you know the guest is coming, as you indicated it was a "surprise" visit.

 

I don't think it is rude to say, "I'm sorry but this toy isn't being played with today." And put it away. If I were the parent of the guest, I would back you up, totally!

 

As a guest, I would *never* walk into someone's home and say, "May I use your computer?" OR "May I eat your steak?"

 

I grew up in Europe and live in the PNW. Fwiw, I do allow children to play in bedrooms, but that is hard to escape, given the set up of our new house. ;)

[amo_mea_filiis.]

When we have anyone over, mine choose which toys can be played with before hand. A surprise visit means everyone will play outside or another day (we dont do surprises well).

[Twigs]

Okay, I need outside input on this one. What do you do when your child has a toy she really likes and a friend comes over and wants to play with it - but your dd doesn't want it to be played with? (Issues like it might be broken or messed up realistically exist.)

 

…

 

This time, the friend came over unexpectedly (dd hadn't had a chance to put it away, completely out of sight) and when friend asked to play with it, I thought dd had shown it to her. I basically required dd to let her play with it. After all, guests should be treated hospitably. Dd was very unhappy, of course.

 

So, how does this go? I'm no expert in the art of hospitality. I want to honor a guest and teach my children to do the same, but it goes against the grain that a guest can point at anything and say, "I want to play with that!" and have it automatically given to her, regardless of possible damage. Normally I would just say, "Keep it out of sight." But is there a line of reasonable/polite behavior on the part of the guest? Can a hostess politely say, "I'm sorry, dd's toy needs to be put up right now." and stick with it (even in the face of annoying youthful persistence) without feeling like a rude jerk?

 

Also, I know hospitality is a regional thing. If you give your opinion, could you also name your region? (ie. Northeast, South, Midwest, etc.)

 

Thanks!

 

Mama Anna

 

Showing hospitality does.not mean that a guest gets to have/play with anything they want. Would you allow a 3 year old to run around your house with a crayon, pen, permanent marker and write on anything they wanted to? No, of course not. Same goes with your daughter's toys. In fact, you might get a few toys just for the guests, so that your child does not have to worry about any of her own toys getting messed up. Your child is not a doormat for poorly behaved visitors.

 

"I'm sorry, dd's toy needs to be put up right now."

 

I think this is a good response - say it, put up those toys and get out some approved visitor toys. Don't explain, don't offer any excuse, turn on the broken record if you need to (keep repeating you chosen phrase.)

 

Hope this helps.

[StaceyinLA]

we had a flip lock high up on their closet doors. Special toys would always be put away when there was company, and the closet locked. There were plenty of other toys accessible.

 

If there was a surprise, I'd have no problem saying something wasn't going to be played with and locking it in the closet.

 

I'm in Louisiana, and I'm all about hospitality, but I'm NOT about my kids having to share special items. I don't let every person who comes in my house use my iPad. It's okay to have special things.

[SKL]

Yes, I'd put it up and out of sight very decisively. If she persisted I'd say the toy was only for people who are at least __ years old, or some other arbitrary limit that makes some sense. Then I'd change the subject. Maybe I'd pull out something more appropriate for them to play with.

 

I distinctly remember hearing my mom say, "__ are coming over! Hide everything you want to keep!" That family used to break our stuff regularly. At their house, even they were not allowed to play with their "nice" toys. I didn't dare touch a toy on display without asking first.

[Mama Anna]

Thanks for your replies! They're helping me sort stuff out.

 

We rarely have friends over inside the house. These types of issues (or rather, my uncertainty about them) are one of the biggest reasons why.

 

Mama Anna

[staceyobu]

I think as we have hosted more kids, I've gotten more comfortable bossing other people's kids around. :tongue_smilie: And, not in a mean way, but we have some friends with drastically different expectations of what is okay and not okay.

 

I would put a toy away that was special and in danger of being messed up without a second thought. Of course, in general, I expect sharing. But, I also wouldn't allow company the opportunity to destroy things that could be easily put away.

[ChristusG]

As others have mentioned, before guests come inside, I tell my DD's to place any special toys into my room. Anything else in the playroom is fair game. And no, they are not allowed to take more than a few items to put into my room.

[catz]

I assume this is a toy that is put away when you know the guest is coming, as you indicated it was a "surprise" visit.

 

I don't think it is rude to say, "I'm sorry but this toy isn't being played with today." And put it away. If I were the parent of the guest, I would back you up, totally!

 

:iagree: I have done this with my daughter's American girls when they were in the new stage and she had a hard time sharing and someone showed up short notice. If my child was not wanting to share anything, that's one thing. But if it's that really special something that usually does get put away, I think it's fine. I'd have no problem if another parent said this at their house.

[MomatHWTK]

Yup, "I'm sorry, hon, we aren't going to play with this. I'm going to put it away now." If she keeps asking, then that's a discipline problem for her parent. If your child were the visitor and was told "no" you wouldn't allow her to keep asking, right?

[angela in ohio]

We do things a bit differently, We teach our dc "people before things," and part of that was allowing anyone to play with any of their toys. They never actually had individual toys; we had a common play room, and everything went into there. That is where guest children played, too. We live in the Midwest, but I don't think that has much to do with our views. We have a bit of a different view than many, though it isn't as uncommon locally; a guest could come in my home and use anything they like.

 

I think it is reasonable, though, to have a toy that is kept away from guests, but I don't think the guest should be able to see it. That seems hard for a young child. Before we had the common play room, guest children would stay in the living area, and dc would go get a few toys. I think that's an easy way to make it not an issue. On the flip side, we taught dc not to ask for a toy like that or insist when we were in others' homes. I think the little girl needs better manners, too.

[angela in ohio]

I agree to an extent, but what if someone asked you to play with your toys? Your stereo, your mixer, your fun kitchen gadget, your car, etc.? Granted it would be weird anyway for an adult to just grab our stuff and start using it, but is it really so different?

 

Not a problem. Anyone can use anything I have, and they do. :001_smile: We don't ask dc to do anything that we don't model ourselves. Maybe it is a regional thing, but it's pretty common here for people to borrow things (even cars) and for people to use what they need when they are in your home. If someone is in my home, we extend hospitality to the point of using whatever they need. Maybe it's because we have a lot of people here frequently, including longer-term house guests. Mostly, though, it is about our faith and beliefs.

Edited May 4, 2012 by angela in ohio

[Lizzie in Ma]

I would let my kids have the opportunity to put special possessions away and would not force them to share those very special things. (I assume there woudl be plenty of other toys for the guests to play with.)

I consider myself a hospitable person - but I have private possessions I would never share with my guests. I believe a child should also have this right.

 

Yup

[Jpoy85]

I would just put it up and say " We arent playing with that today"

[Dmmetler]

There are certain things that don't have to be shared, but do have to be put up. DD's stuffed dragon comes to visit in mommy's room when her friends come over if she doesn't want him out-and I can tell who she really trusts because Draggy no longer comes to visit me :).

 

 

I did buy MYSELF Molly so that when DD has a friend over who doesn't have or bring an AG or similar doll, both kids have one to play with. Asking two little girls to share one doll just doesn't work.

[Harriet Vane]

I assume this is a toy that is put away when you know the guest is coming, as you indicated it was a "surprise" visit.

 

I don't think it is rude to say, "I'm sorry but this toy isn't being played with today." And put it away. If I were the parent of the guest, I would back you up, totally!

 

As a guest, I would *never* walk into someone's home and say, "May I use your computer?" OR "May I eat your steak?"

 

 

 

:iagree:

[happyhomemaker]

I would let my kids have the opportunity to put special possessions away and would not force them to share those very special things. (I assume there woudl be plenty of other toys for the guests to play with.)

I consider myself a hospitable person - but I have private possessions I would never share with my guests. I believe a child should also have this right.

 

:iagree: I wouldn't let my child play with a toy in front of another and then say the other child couldn't have a turn, but I certainly feel free to say certain toys, rooms, etc. are off limits during the visit. I don't think that is inhospitable. Hospitality does not require you to let guests have free reign of your home or possessions. (I live in the south, btw, and hospitality was a big part of my upbringing and our current family life.)

 

ETA: You are not being rude, but that child needs to be taught how to be a well- mannered guest. When I was young, my mother would have been horrified to learn that I kept demanding a toy I had been told was off-limits.

Edited May 4, 2012 by happyhomemaker

[SKL]

Yes, I'd put it up and out of sight very decisively. If she persisted I'd say the toy was only for people who are at least __ years old, or some other arbitrary limit that makes some sense. Then I'd change the subject. Maybe I'd pull out something more appropriate for them to play with.

 

I distinctly remember hearing my mom say, "__ are coming over! Hide everything you want to keep!" That family used to break our stuff regularly. At their house, even they were not allowed to play with their "nice" toys. I didn't dare touch a toy on display without asking first.

 

I should note that we (my dds, and I as parent) have never actually kept or hidden a toy from anyone. I was thinking the inquiry was more about toys that were not age-appropriate (or maturity-appropriate) for the visitor. Not just stuff my kid feels ultra-possessive about. Then again, my girls share everything, so they are used to the idea. They don't have many kid guests, and so far nobody has come over and busted up their stuff.

 

So to me, an American Girl doll is to be shared with a guest (unless the particular guest has a history of disrespecting property). But a special Lego creation, model plane, or breakable crayons would be shared only with someone mature enough to be gentle and keep them intact. If we're talking about a much younger child who isn't safe with big-kid toys, obviously I would not be shy about limiting access.

Edited May 4, 2012 by SKL

[Mama Anna]

I'm glad to get more perspectives!

 

While I would like to have the "people are more important than things" mindset, (and we as parents frequently loan out things from our cars to screw-drivers - of which the latter have come back broken) I'm afraid that the resentment dd would feel toward a young friend who broke a special toy wouldn't be worth the lesson in generosity. It would, of course, be a different lesson - one in forgiveness - but that's for another day.

 

The whole thing about a guest asking for stuff is another place I struggle. On the one hand, our culture is very accepting of a guest asking for a glass of water or to use the bathroom - those are no-brainers. Yet a guest who would ask to play with a delicate what-not, for example - that seems less okay to me. I find it rude when a guest child is asking repeatedly for something that isn't happening right now - sort of like when my child is in someone else's house for a moment near dinner time (we're not planning to stay) and tells me loudly, "I'm hungry, Mama!" while looking over the food in the kitchen. A "perfect hostess" would, of course, invite us to stay for dinner. But in my neighborhood, it's likely there's just not enough food for 4 to 5 extra people at a moment's notice. I hate putting a friend in the embarrassing position of not being a "perfect hostess." There are so many issues going on: The child's authenticity and honesty, my embarrassment and pride, my friend's possible embarrassment, the whole mess of what "should" be happening, etc.

 

Relationships are a messy business! (Maybe this is why I keep becoming more of an introvert . . .)

 

What's the latest book of Proper Manners again? :)

[mytwomonkeys]

if there is a toy that my children truly don't want to share, then it needs to be put away while the guest is here. their blankets are the only exception. they both have blankets they've slept with since birth & i wouldn't feel weird asking someone to leave it be.

 

i really disliked going to playdates when my children were smaller and being told that many of they toys couldn't be touched because they were "special". it felt unfair to my own children. in those situations, it would have been much more accommodating to everyone had we met in a public play place.

 

otherwise, if there are a few things that are off-limits, we just put them away and out of sight. my daughter may do this with her very expensive baby doll & my son did this around his birthday with a couple of games.

[mytwomonkeys]

 

This time, the friend came over unexpectedly (dd hadn't had a chance to put it away, completely out of sight) and when friend asked to play with it, I thought dd had shown it to her. I basically required dd to let her play with it. After all, guests should be treated hospitably. Dd was very unhappy, of course.

 

 

in this particular situation, i would stand by your daughter and put it away. my daughter is 10 and has a few expensive baby dolls. we have a 3 year old little girl visit often & she loves to play with my daughter's things. grace is very accommodating with her, but these dolls could break easily, so they are off-limits. we put them up not because we are rude but because they are precious to my daughter. this isn't about the inability to share, but about taking care of something that is delicate. even if it was just a "special toy" that wasn't delicate, i'd still stand by my daughter. it's okay to have some things that just are off-limits. the problem is when it happens with everything the guest tries to touch or if the host child is playing with the toy but refuses to let anyone else near it. ykwim?

[Amy in TX]

Not a problem. Anyone can use anything I have, and they do. :001_smile: We don't ask dc to do anything that we don't model ourselves. Maybe it is a regional thing, but it's pretty common here for people to borrow things (even cars) and for people to use what they need when they are in your home. If someone is in my home, we extend hospitality to the point of using whatever they need. Maybe it's because we have a lot of people here frequently, including longer-term house guests. Mostly, though, it is about our faith and beliefs.

 

I think the OP's concern is not about sharing in general, but about sharing fragile items with younger kids who aren't mature enough not to damage them. You are appropriately generous with your car, but wouldn't you be reluctant to lend it to someone who is drunk? Would you keep giving access to your computer to someone who, every time they get on it, downloads material that includes viruses?

 

We have a much-loved little relative who comes over once or twice a week. Before he comes, I always remind my boys to put away the legos. There's plenty of other stuff that he likes to play with, and my sons don't have the worry of having a lot of their important tiny pieces lost, or their elaborate creations wrecked.

[DianeW88]

No, my kids did not have to share toys they didn't want to share. I either put them in my room, or I told the guest that we were not playing with those toys today, find something else.

 

At one point we had a neighbor child who basically only came to our house to play with my dd's AG dolls. She wasn't always gentle with them, and that upset my dd. We decided that the dolls were off limits when this girl came over to play. Little neighbor girl didn't like that. She constantly pestered my dd to "ask your mom if we can play with them". My dd was starting to feel used and see this friendship for what it was. When I was firm in my decision that they needed to play with one of the other fifty billion toys we had instead, little neighbor girl decided she was no longer interested in coming over.

 

The little girl you are dealing with is being rude if she's constantly asking to play with something you've told her she can't have. And I would address that with her. Something along the lines of, "If you pester me about that toy again, you're going to have to go home. I've already said that we aren't playing with it today. Now, if you guys want to paint, or get out the playdough, or have a tea party, I'm happy to help you."

[ssavings]

i really disliked going to playdates when my children were smaller and being told that many of they toys couldn't be touched because they were "special". it felt unfair to my own children. in those situations, it would have been much more accommodating to everyone had we met in a public play place.

 

otherwise, if there are a few things that are off-limits, we just put them away and out of sight.

 

:iagree:

 

I think if we are talking about a few treasured items, it's perfectly okay to put them away. All kids need special things.

But, otoh, I feel like my kids get a bit flustered in situation wherein a significant amount of toys available are off limits, or when they are specifically told they cannot play with a toy that the other children are playing with. When those situations repeatedly occur, we generally decline to go over again, and suggest a public play area or our house.

[Unscripted]

I am in the South, where hospitality can be taken to an extreme... That said: I feel it absolutely "okay" to tell any guest (child or adult) that an item is off limits. But off limits also means that I (or my child) isn't playing with the item or prancing it out in front of said guests either. This doesn't mean that my item comes before people, per se, it means that I have boundaries... And should that item get damaged or otherwised wrecked- that it will be a BIG LOSS to me. I feel that my guests should also have good enough manners to realize they are visitors- and to ask permission anyway.

I have a neighbor who is regularly drunk and asks to "borrow" our lawn mower every. Single. Weekend. We allowed him to the first time he asked (and before we knew about his habitual alcohol usage- they had just moved into the neighborhood). After we realized that he wasn't borrowing, but rather using our equipment (and gas) as his regular tool- well we had to put a stop to it. Over a year later, he still asks us and every other neighbor for their lawn mower! I don't think that it is unreasonable that we turn him down. It is not my responsibility to maintain and gas up equipment for *his* yard as well as my own.

 

Sorry for the tangent. Back to the OP- as for the nagging from the child... I would simply say that the toy is not available *for anyone* to play with, and if both girls can't find something else to play with- then maybe it is time to go home... In my sweetest most southern tone possible. :)

[Unscripted]

I also think that having a majority of toys be "off limits" is terrible... And that the best strategy is to keep play dates outside with a slew of outside toys that are 100% okay for everyone to use and possibly break. Inside playtime with guests just invites so much drama... Different house rules, snacking every 3 minutes, getting into a siblings room or belongings- when the guest isn't a friend of said sibling... Blah blah blah. Every house runs so differently- and inside playdates seem to mean big clashing on what each family would consider "normal" in their own home. Just my 2 cents.

[vonfirmath]

We have a much-loved little relative who comes over once or twice a week. Before he comes, I always remind my boys to put away the legos. There's plenty of other stuff that he likes to play with, and my sons don't have the worry of having a lot of their important tiny pieces lost, or their elaborate creations wrecked.

 

AS the mother of the younger relatives, I am VERY thankful that my sister has her kids put up toys/not play with things my son can not participate in. (like jumping on the trampoline). Because he wants to be just like his older cousins and things would be much more unpleasant if they kept getting upset that he was acting his age/or that he couldn't play with them as they played.

[angela in ohio]

I think the OP's concern is not about sharing in general, but about sharing fragile items with younger kids who aren't mature enough not to damage them. You are appropriately generous with your car, but wouldn't you be reluctant to lend it to someone who is drunk? Would you keep giving access to your computer to someone who, every time they get on it, downloads material that includes viruses?

 

We have a much-loved little relative who comes over once or twice a week. Before he comes, I always remind my boys to put away the legos. There's plenty of other stuff that he likes to play with, and my sons don't have the worry of having a lot of their important tiny pieces lost, or their elaborate creations wrecked.

 

That's an easy one: you just tell the child that they aren't old enough to play with the toy, the same way I would tell a drunk person they can't drive a car. That's a completely different matter than putting aside special toys that aren't shared.

[amey311]

FWIW, I don't think it matters if other people allow their guests and friends to use anything and everything in their homes but YOU don't want to. Different houses have different rules.

 

We don't buy bottled water or gatorade and are possibly the only house on the street that doesn't (at least as the main beverage for kids to drink - we've been known to buy gatorade for hockey snack). We don't allow kids to play upstairs in bedrooms (there's a very well stocked playroom), but other families do. I let my kids (11 and 8) play outside without me watching, but other families don't. It's the way life goes.

 

So, if there are things that are special to your daughter and you want to put them up, put them up. The playdate police aren't going to come and demand it.

[QueenCat]

A few special things put up is good, it gives the child ownership of their treasures. Putting almost everything up, or it becoming a special treasure once the guest starting playing with it is not so cool...

[Rebel Yell]

I'm glad to get more perspectives!

 

While I would like to have the "people are more important than things" mindset, (and we as parents frequently loan out things from our cars to screw-drivers - of which the latter have come back broken) I'm afraid that the resentment dd would feel toward a young friend who broke a special toy wouldn't be worth the lesson in generosity. It would, of course, be a different lesson - one in forgiveness - but that's for another day.

 

<<<snipped>>> :)

 

I agree mostly with "people before things" but the owner of the toy is a 'people' too, and her feelings are more important than the forced sharing of a 'thing'.

 

My child who spent her pre-school years gathering her precious toys into a laundry basket before visits from a beloved but rough playmate has grown into a girl who didn;t even flinch when she came home (late) from an appointment to find her friends in her room, using her nail polish and reading her books. (younger sister let them in- they were expected) An d this girl values her privacy and order.

 

Allowing a child to decide which toys are not public property is a good thing, IMO. I'm not talking about selfish greedy hoarding, but if every toy except a special one is out to play with, it's fine. I wouldn't think of tossing my wedding ring in the dress-up box.

[Mama Anna]

My child who spent her pre-school years gathering her precious toys into a laundry basket before visits from a beloved but rough playmate has grown into a girl who didn;t even flinch when she came home (late) from an appointment to find her friends in her room, using her nail polish and reading her books. (younger sister let them in- they were expected) An d this girl values her privacy and order.

 

Thank you - I needed to hear this!

 

Mama Anna

[fraidycat]

I would let my kids have the opportunity to put special possessions away and would not force them to share those very special things. (I assume there woudl be plenty of other toys for the guests to play with.)

I consider myself a hospitable person - but I have private possessions I would never share with my guests. I believe a child should also have this right.

 

:iagree: Some things are sacred. My kids have to share, but they don't have to share EVERYthing.

[mrbmom77]

:iagree: I wouldn't let my child play with a toy in front of another and then say the other child couldn't have a turn, but I certainly feel free to say certain toys, rooms, etc. are off limits during the visit. I don't think that is inhospitable. Hospitality does not require you to let guests have free reign of your home or possessions. (I live in the south, btw, and hospitality was a big part of my upbringing and our current family life.)

 

ETA: You are not being rude, but that child needs to be taught how to be a well- mannered guest. When I was young, my mother would have been horrified to learn that I kept demanding a toy I had been told was off-limits.

 

:iagree:with all of this. Nothing wrong with putting it away and playing together with something else.

:D

Unfortunately, my kids have friends who have always used things in front of them while telling them they can't play with it. And the mom thinks this is fine, because they have special things they don't want broken. I think it's rude and extremely irritating, especially since her kids have broken several things at my house, including a TV, none of which were ever repaired or replaced. Of course, they don't get invited over anymore.

Oops, sorry for the tangent. :D