Pamela H in Texas Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 (edited) Can anyone help me? OKay, so everyone knows I'm under a great deal of stress. I'm slowly working on that. And then my mom calls..... My (step)dad has decided to leave. He's been depressed about his health and..... This blindsided us. He and my mother have an amazing life in every way. They are individuals and a great couple. You may remember that over the years, I've asked for help to come up with gifts for him just because I wanted it to state how I feel about him as my dad all of my adult life. He has been a wonderful grandfather to my children. He said he adored the three we're adopting. I expected he'd be there for them also. I named one of the boys after him! Recently, we went to a town fair and picked up a sign that says "The best part of Grandma's house is GRANDPA!" I'm DEVASTATED. I can't quit crying. I wrote him an email (didn't send it). The first part was just letting him know how I feel about him as my dad and as my kids grandfather. I assume that part is appropriate enough. The next part, I tell him that this is not best for anyone, him included. The grass isn't greener. I suggest he does something POSITIVE to feel better (giving suggestions like helping a homeless shelter or building houses or mentoring more children or) rather than tearing apart the family. I thought that maybe that part isn't really my place, but..... My parents were supposed to come at the end of the month. I can't stand the idea of him not coming. :crying: Thankfully, today is as calm (schedule wise) as they come. Edited May 3, 2012 by 2J5M9K Just felt it necessary.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: So often people say a child shouldn't get in the middle of these things but I think I would have to tell him how I really felt about this. We have a relative whose husband came in and announced he wanted a divorce. She got in bed for several days and wouldn't talk about it and she's a strong woman. For them that was the end of the discussion. I know that's unlikely for most people but the idea of not just easily going along with it has it's appeal. I should add that just having friends go through divorces throws me into a tail spin, so I can only imagine how you are feeling! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. No advice except to pray. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 I would send it. He should know how you feel about all of it. He's been your dad for 22 yrs-you have every right to tell him how you feel, and he should hear it. And mostly :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 I would send it. He should know how you feel about all of it. He's been your dad for 22 yrs-you have every right to tell him how you feel, and he should hear it. And mostly :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. :iagree::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 I think you should send it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 Pamela, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine. I've had a similar-ish kind of thing happen with my parents, except it was my stepmom calling me and telling me she wanted to divorce my dad. They're still together, but I don't fool myself into thinking that they're happy anymore. And good grief, she's been my stepmom for almost 30 years. I was just 4 1/2 when they married. It's hard. :grouphug: But it's ok to tell them how you feel, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 I'd send the e-mail. He needs to understand the far-reaching effects of his decision. It's not just about him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 I am so sorry for you. I would also be devastated. I think you should send the email to him. Nothing about it sounds inappropriate and I think it shows your heart, how much you love him, how much he means to you. I am devastated for you and your mother. How old is he? Could he possibly have the beginning signs of alzheimer or dementia? That can really knock someone off their feey. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 Even better than the email - call him if you can. He is making a huge mistake and sometimes it takes the words of someone who loves him (besides his wife) to snap him back to reality. Tell him how you feel and how this is affecting you and your children. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I am so sorry you are going through this. This is the last thing you needed! Big hugs to you! I admire your commitment to your kids so much - I hope you find joy and stress relief in them right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 :grouphug: just so hard. my parents separated and divorced after 40 years of marriage. there was another woman involved. by the time my dad told us they were separating, he was far enough down another road that going back was not likely to happen. my brother and i chose to tell him how sad we were and how we wished it weren't happening. ie. we made impact statements but did not tell him what to do.... don't know if that was the right thing or not, but its what we did and likely what we would do again. :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 (edited) I would send it. He should know how you feel about all of it. He's been your dad for 22 yrs-you have every right to tell him how you feel, and he should hear it. And mostly :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. :iagree: He parented you for 22 years. He's been a large part of your children's lives. I believe it IS your place. Send it. Where you practice restraint is by not sending a scathing email or making an enraged phone call to the old lady friend that "got ahold of him." I think I'd be visiting her with my photo album and show her the face of each life she's messing with. Edited May 2, 2012 by AuntieM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted May 2, 2012 Author Share Posted May 2, 2012 He just turned 56. My mom will turn 56 at the end of summer. I don't think he is so far down this road he can't come to his senses. Someone did ask me a question that has me a little more worried. Basically, since it is SO out of character and they both really did speak and act like everything was great. And they do everything "right." And he has been depressed over some health issues...what if he does something stupid? More stupid than leaving his family.... Even more reason to send the email, I think... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted May 2, 2012 Author Share Posted May 2, 2012 (edited) double post Edited May 3, 2012 by 2J5M9K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 My DH, 60, is facing serious health issues and severe depression fall out related to it. The combination of that can make for some very odd, goofy, and awful decisions. I am so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Depression can definitely lead to poor decisions. I wonder if you could persuade him to see a doctor? My father suffered severe depression due to his own health issues and my mother's decline from dementia. He required hospitalization. The decisions he was making, leading up to hospitalization, were C-R-A-Z-Y. He bought two pieces of property within 2 days of each other. One of the properties has a tenant that has NEVER paid rent. I think my dad would like to pretend that none of this ever happened, now that he's medicated. Unfortunately, this loser tenant is taking advantage of him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 Send it. Your step dad is lucky you're sending an email. I blasted my dad face to face. (different circs, but I left dad with no doubt about how I feel. And we're still close) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 Even better than the email - call him if you can. He is making a huge mistake and sometimes it takes the words of someone who loves him (besides his wife) to snap him back to reality. Tell him how you feel and how this is affecting you and your children. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I am so sorry you are going through this. This is the last thing you needed! Big hugs to you! I admire your commitment to your kids so much - I hope you find joy and stress relief in them right now. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 Oh, Pamela, I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Based on what you've said, it sounds like he's looking for a way out of his life: he's depressed, hopeless, and a shiny spot that is not inside his daily life popped up, so he wants to step into that pretend life. Know what I mean? I think you should communicate your thoughts based on your long relationship. If you normally have an open line of communication, you should communicate openly. If it's usually more reserved... well, you get the idea. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 I also vote to send it. Calling him would be even better because he would have to give an instant reaction and answer you. What a very sad thing. I would ask him how this "other woman" can possibly make his life problems go away? The grass isn't greener and he may end up regretting this and hurting an awful lot of people in the process! That woman should be ashamed of herself. Egads! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 The next part, I tell him that this is not best for anyone, him included. The grass isn't greener. I suggest he does something POSITIVE to feel better (giving suggestions like helping a homeless shelter or building houses or mentoring more children or) rather than tearing apart the family. I thought that maybe that part isn't really my place, but..... Of course, it's your "place." He's your father. People might tend to behave less badly if those who are close to them give them grief about it. And adultery is high on my list of things to give people grief about. My parents were supposed to come at the end of the month. I can't stand the idea of him not coming. :crying: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 WRite the letter on real paper and use a real envelope. An email and a phone call are temporary. I'd love him to have something to hold in his hand. Do it now...while the decision is as fresh as it is. ETA...many years ago, I did write a letter to a friend in your step-dad's place. It mattered. The couple put their marriage back together again and remain geniunely happy since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HejKatt Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 :grouphug: and praying for wisdom as you contact him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I am sorry you are going through this :grouphug:. It is so hard to feel like family is slipping away. And honest question though....why does you mother and his divorce, automatically seem to mean he won't be around anymore? If he has been in your life this long, he sounds like more than a casual step-parent. Write the letter, but also think about what you would like your relationship to be like going forward, as you consider your words. I know you realize, that not all marriages that look happy on the outside, are happy on the inside. Sometimes, when a person gets a wake up call, they decide to change the path they are on. The new path may not be the one the people around them expect, but that doesn't mean it is the wrong path for them. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted May 3, 2012 Author Share Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) So, it seems that he too can't imagine giving up his life. It really seems to be the depression. He did agree to go to a doctor and consider medication and counseling. And then he went to go buy a car. I don't understand doing so or the car choice he made. I hope he doesn't regret it. Anyway, so I hope he does what he needs to do. Oh, I did send the email. A couple sentences might should have been edited out. But I think there will be NO doubt about my feelings about him and his place in our lives. Hopefully he'll come up in a couple weeks. I really really hope so. ETA: My hubby is afraid he'll be embarrassed. I hope he can get over that. It really would mean a lot to me if he came. ETA2: I don't intend to give either parent advice really, just be loving. I've said my peace and will not be meddling any further. They are adults and need to make their own choices. Do I hope they will make good ones? Absolutely. Do I hope things will work out a certain way? Absolutely. But unless they asked for specific advice, I wouldn't give it to them at this point. I don't believe it would be appropriate. If they want my opinion, they'll ask. They will definitely have my love :) Edited May 3, 2012 by 2J5M9K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I'm glad you sent the email. About the car thing -- it just screams "midlife crisis" to me -- as does his relationship with the former flame. It's like he feels like he's stuck in a rut of the "same old, same old" and wants to bust out and do something crazy, just because it's exciting. How is your mom handling the "other woman" thing? Has she given your step-dad a strict ultimatum about what will happen if he continues to have any contact with her? Because I think she needs to do that. And if she wants the marriage to succeed, both she and your step-dad need to have some serious conversations about where their marriage is right now, and what they both picture when they think of what a happy marriage should be. They may be farther apart on the issue than you'd think. I know you said that they're happy together, but he feels like something is missing in his life, and if he doesn't deal with that, they will never be happy together again. There is already a huge wedge between them, and it will take a lot of time and the rebuilding of trust to make your mom feel better, and your step-dad had better make sure he's up to the task. One suggestion I have for your mom and step-dad is (assuming your mom can even stand the sight of him right now,) for the two of them to take a nice, long vacation together and try to do nothing but have fun and enjoy each other's company. See if there's still any spark between them, and if the relationship is worth saving. This isn't just for your step-dad; it's also to help your mom figure out what her true feelings are, after what has happened, and to help her determine what needs to happen in the relationship to make it worthwhile for her to remain in it. This isn't all about your stepfather and what he did. Honestly, I think it's even more about your poor mom and how she wants to handle it. Your step-dad might be depressed and having a crisis, but he has knowingly and selfishly done things that he knew would hurt your mother, and she needs to remember that she deserves better than that. He doesn't deserve anyone's gratitude if he decides to remain in the marriage. That was his responsibility all along. Frankly, the ball should be in your mom's court right now. I'm so sorry. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Pamela, I wish I could help. Your post broke my heart for you and for your family. :grouphug: I will pray. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted May 3, 2012 Author Share Posted May 3, 2012 Just wanted to tell y'all that the response back to my email was really nice. I never knew the man could write. Anyway, he's obviously struggling and feels weird for it being so hard when his life was so great (I knew I was right! LOL). Anyway, I did respond and part of that was simply that I wish I had been clearer about how I felt about him long ago. I so want this to work out though. I don't think I can handle if they split for long... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Oh, Pamela, I am so glad you opened a dialogue with him, and I feel sure that he is thankful you have done so. Praying for you and all yours this morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 Oh, Pamela, I am so glad you opened a dialogue with him, and I feel sure that he is thankful you have done so. Praying for you and all yours this morning. Me too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 I would send it. He should know how you feel about all of it. He's been your dad for 22 yrs-you have every right to tell him how you feel, and he should hear it. And mostly :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Yes, absolutely send it, after sleeping on it a night, and editing again (always wise). Someone needs to talk to him. The grass is not greener! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 So glad you were able to talk to him. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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