Want more kids and husband doesn't

[Guest bethcs]

We had infertilty issues and ended up adopting. Love our son and it was the greatest experience aside from the cost. My husband was done and and satisfied with one. I wasn't and no matter how hard I tried he wouldn't budge. I never got pregant so is this God's will. Will God take the desire away from me like he did when he took the desire away to be pregant. I keep hoping. I don't know sometimes I feel fine with it now that my baby (we got him as an infant) is 13 and I am close to 45. I took care of my nieces toddlers for a week and thought: how would I ever go back to that? So maybe it is changing. I just worry about when my son is off and married and can't spend holidays with us because he is with his inlaws. Will i then regret that we didn't have more? My husband is a loving father and husband. He is not controlling but he just was content with one. I wonder if I ever will be. I tried foster parenting for awhile and that was fun. I got all newborns, but time with my son was limited. He didn't mind but we both new it was temporary. I always dreamed of being a mom that is all I wanted. Now what do I do? I am somewhat bored with life. I love my son and don't miss it when he grows to the next stage/age. In fact, i can't wait to see how he turns out, who he marries and what career path he takes. I have always loved watching him grow. So it is not really more babies I long for or miss the babies (although I enjoyed that too) I just wanted a big family for big family gatherings later on in life. I am afraid I have been bored and feeling unproductive for a few years. I don't really enjoy watching other peoples kids. I just really wanted my own. I am a really good mom when kids are little too. I teach them, give them boundries, love playing with them and putting them on a schedule. I throughly enjoyed my son. but what do i do with this incomplete feeling???? i am considering putting my son in private school and figuring out a job for me so we can retire someday. My husband has never made a great income. God has always met our needs. But we never quite had enough to adopt again either and with my husbands desire waining I coudn't talk him into it. Sorry to ramble on and on. Just hoping God speaks to me through some of you and your experiences. It gets hard being in the homeschool community where most of our friends have lots of kids....plus I keep forgiving my husband. I don't and will not allow myself to get bitter towards him. I tell him what I think and he knows how I feel. He is just content.

Edited February 14, 2012 by bethcs

[the evolving homemaker]

This is the second time in a short period I have heard a woman's sadness because her husband like where things are and she wants more children. To me, being part of a family is a process. There is room for negotiations to happen. Or at least there should be. Why does the husband get to decide and the wife mourn her hopes? Either way it is a tough situation because someone is going to have to adapt.

 

I would say however, that if you are looking to children to bring you happiness and give your life meaning, you may be looking in the wrong place. I get it about big family celebrations, but if you feel like your life is missing something in some way, maybe you should spend some time exploring that. Take a class, volunteer somewhere, learn a new skill. All of these can be done while homeschooling, I do them and lots of Mom's I know do them. Children are not there to fill US up. It is our place to help fill THEM up, while teaching them how to do that for themselves too, until they are gone from us and on their own. I get it about being BORED. That happens to me too. But I have looked to the outside of myself to try and fill the void, and find it hasn't worked. Now I try to figure out what in me needs to be nurtured, a mini trip, some adventure, a new endeavor of some sort, a volunteer situation that challenges my mind...

 

Good luck. I am sorry you are going through this. It is hard. My sister decided at 42 to adopt since her husband had been 'fixed' lol so to speak years earlier after their third child. And their kids were older too, like 14, 11, 10

[Parrothead]

I find that I'm content with one, but I do not think I'll ever be happy about it. This is coming from someone who wanted a houseful but ended up with secondary fertility issues. The choice for one wasn't mine.

[Guest]

We had infertilty issues and ended up adopting Love our son and it was the greatest experience aside from the cost. My husband was done and and satisfied with one. I wasn't and no matter how hard I tried he wouldn't budge. I never got pregant so is this God's will. Will God take the desire away from me like he did when he took the desire away to be pregant. I keep hoping. I don't know sometimes I feel fine with it now that my baby (we got him as an infant) is 13 and I am close to 45. I took care of my neices toddlers for a week and thought: how would I ever go back to that? So maybe it is changing. I just worry about when my son is off and married and can't spend holidays with us because he is with his inlaws. Will i then regrett that we didn't have more? My husband is a loving father and husband. He is not controlling but he just was content with one. I wonder if I ever will be. I tried foster parenting for awhile and that was fun. I got all newborns, but time with my son was limited. He didn't mind but we both new it was temporary. I always dreamed of being a mom that is all I wanted. Now what do I do? I am somewhat bored with life. I love my son and don't miss it when he grows to the next stage/age. In fact, i can't wait to see how he turns out, who he marries and what career path he takes. I have always loved watching him grow. So it is not really more babies I long for or miss the babies (although I enjoyed that too) I just wanted a big family for big family gatherings later on in life. I am afraid I have been bored and feeling unproductive for a few years. I don't really enjoy watching other peoples kids. I just really wanted my own. I am a really good mom when kids are little too. I teach them, give them boundries, love playing with them and putting them on a schedule. I throughly enjoyed my son. but what do i do with this incomplete feeling???? i am considering putting my son in private school and figuring out a job for me so we can retire someday. My husband has never made a great income. God has always met our needs. But we never quite had enough to adopt again either and with my husbands desire waining I coudn't talk him into it. Sorry to randle on and on. Just hoping God speaks to me through some of you and your experiences. It gets hard being in the homeschool community where most of our friends have lots of kids....plus I keep forgiving my husband. I don't and will not allow myself to get bitter towards him. I tell him what I think and he knows how I feel. He is just content.

 

A couple of points:

I also wanted to have a houseful of kids, but things did not go as I anticipated in many respects and ultimately, my dh is satisfied with the children we have. I am not, but I am coming to a point of being resigned to it, because there is no other option. I do not want to devise a way to have children dh does not want to have, even if it means I suffer with not having what I thought I would have.

 

Maybe God will take away your desire, but it did not happen to me. I prayed and prayed that either I would get to raise more children or I would not desire it anymore and neither has happened. The door is almost closed and at this point, I don't really hope against hope anymore. It would be a lovely surprise if things changed now, but I can't hope or wait for it anymore.

 

To me the only "answer" for it is to pour some efforts into developing what I'm going to be when this homeschooling/childrearing phase is completely over. That is what makes me look forward to the future and find some acceptance in the situation I have.

[Guest]

This is the second time in a short period I have heard a woman's sadness because her husband like where things are and she wants more children. To me, being part of a family is a process. There is room for negotiations to happen. Or at least there should be. Why does the husband get to decide and the wife mourn her hopes? Either way it is a tough situation because someone is going to have to adapt.

 

 

I would like to answer to this because I am in this situation. For my family, it's not that the husband "gets" to make the decision on how many children to have. But I think it is very unwise to have children that one partner does not desire (at least if we're speaking intentionally). Each and every child requires a tremendous investment from the parents, economically, emotionally and in time and attention. It is far moreso if homeschooling is part of the equation. In my particular case, dh is 8 years older than I am and brings in the majority of the financial resources. I do not think it is mean of him to consider all the investment another child means, as he is the one who is committed to earning the primary dough. It makes me sad; I have bawled my eyes out over it, but the reality is, kids are a big investment. That is why I think the partner who says "No" to more kids does have the right to decide that. It is more often the husband in homeschooling families, I believe, because they are more often the earner. It's not that he "gets" to decide because he's the man, it's that he's the one with the bigger stake in the game financially. There is no way to truly compromise on this particular issue and that is why it causes pain. Someone will not get what they want; there will be a "loser." But I don't think someone should be saddled with a child they intended to avoid simply because one of the two decided they must have their way.

[jillian]

I find that I'm content with one, but I do not think I'll ever be happy about it. This is coming from someone who wanted a houseful but ended up with secondary fertility issues. The choice for one wasn't mine.

This is me too. We agreed on 2 and will fight to have our second but after that I am fairly certain we are just going to go with what happens, up to 3 at least, maybe more. We are moving onto infertility procedures now....makes me sad to know I might never get to have my houseful.

[Mrs Mungo]

I would like to answer to this because I am in this situation. For my family, it's not that the husband "gets" to make the decision on how many children to have. But I think it is very unwise to have children that one partner does not desire (at least if we're speaking intentionally). Each and every child requires a tremendous investment from the parents, economically, emotionally and in time and attention. It is far moreso if homeschooling is part of the equation. In my particular case, dh is 8 years older than I am and brings in the majority of the financial resources. I do not think it is mean of him to consider all the investment another child means, as he is the one who is committed to earning the primary dough. It makes me sad; I have bawled my eyes out over it, but the reality is, kids are a big investment. That is why I think the partner who says "No" to more kids does have the right to decide that. It is more often the husband in homeschooling families, I believe, because they are more often the earner. It's not that he "gets" to decide because he's the man, it's that he's the one with the bigger stake in the game financially. There is no way to truly compromise on this particular issue and that is why it causes pain. Someone will not get what they want; there will be a "loser." But I don't think someone should be saddled with a child they intended to avoid simply because one of the two decided they must have their way.

 

I totally agree. I think the person who doesn't want more kids has to "win" this one.

[Blueridge]

I find it strange that a new poster here would be discussing this. :confused: Well, :grouphug: to you.

[Live2Ride]

I hear you. My DH wanted more. I couldn't have anymore (female issues and all that). I come from a larger family and pretty much was done with 'raising babies' when I met him. We have two wonderful kids. I started to want one more as I aged a little and got more settled. It wasn't to be. I wanted to adopt a young child or a couple of young siblings. He wanted a baby if we adopted. We didn't end up adopting (money issues amongst some other things with the system here). I did something else instead. I started volunteering to coach. I love soccer and my kids wanted to play. I assisted and then coached a number of years. I got to watch all my 'kids' develop and grow into neat little young men. It was wonderful and it helped me I think. DH and I no longer feel that we need another. We are happy helping guide the ones we are involved with.

 

I hope you can find some peace and comfort :grouphug:

[Just Kate]

I find it strange that a new poster here would be discussing this. :confused: Well, :grouphug: to you.

 

I am rather new here myself and I don't post frequently. I never understand these types of responses! Sometimes posters have been lurking here for a long time and they may feel as if they already "know" everyone. Sometimes people just feel that they need a safe place to work through what is going on in their lives. Is it truly wrong of them to come here and ask a question? :confused:

[vonfirmath]

I am rather new here myself and I don't post frequently. I never understand these types of responses! Sometimes posters have been lurking here for a long time and they may feel as if they already "know" everyone. Sometimes people just feel that they need a safe place to work through what is going on in their lives. Is it truly wrong of them to come here and ask a question? :confused:

 

Its weird for them to come here and ask a question of virtual strangers. And is often used by trolls to "stir things up" So its hard, with an absolute newbie, to know their motives.

[meggie]

Its weird for them to come here and ask a question of virtual strangers. And is often used by trolls to "stir things up" So its hard, with an absolute newbie, to know their motives.

 

Which is why it's best to withhold judgement until you see a pattern of questionable behavior. One post doesn't = a pattern in my opinion.

 

To the OP, I'm sorry. I know it's hard. :grouphug:

[Guest submarines]

I am rather new here myself and I don't post frequently. I never understand these types of responses! Sometimes posters have been lurking here for a long time and they may feel as if they already "know" everyone. Sometimes people just feel that they need a safe place to work through what is going on in their lives. Is it truly wrong of them to come here and ask a question? :confused:

 

:iagree:

[Guest submarines]

Its weird for them to come here and ask a question of virtual strangers. And is often used by trolls to "stir things up" So its hard, with an absolute newbie, to know their motives.

 

I don't think it's weird at all. Some issues are difficult to discuss with family or friends. Virtual strangers serve their purpose. :001_smile:

[Amy1k]

I think you should be careful when assuming that a large family will equal large and festive holiday gatherings. I come from a large family and I know that my mother has been devastated by the lack of family gatherings that her children (my siblings) choose to participate in. Make a happy life, with or without a large family, because you just don't know what the future holds. :)

[UnsinkableKristen]

Make a happy life, with or without a large family, because you just don't know what the future holds. :)

 

:iagree: Very well said.

[the evolving homemaker]

i don't want it to come across as i am down on 'men who decide'. that is not what i meant. i just think that it is unfortunate that WHOEVER is the one who doesn't want more children, for whatever reasons, leaves the other with quite a bit of sadness, maybe resentment and that is discouraging in a marriage. i think it is an impossible situation and one i am glad i don't really have to deal with. it would be dangerous for me to have more children even if i wanted any and my husband wanted as many as we have. it WAS however something we discussed before marriage and decided on. we both agreed. i think the question from the poster sounds less about children per se, and more about how to find happiness in her life.

 

i laughed at the woman who said there is no guarantee of lovely family gatherings later...cause ain't that the truth! :lol: i really stress making ones own self happy and not look to others, even children, to do that.

[Guest bethcs]

I don't think it's weird at all. Some issues are difficult to discuss with family or friends. Virtual strangers serve their purpose. :001_smile:

 

Thank you for understanding....:)

[Guest]

i don't want it to come across as i am down on 'men who decide'. that is not what i meant. i just think that it is unfortunate that WHOEVER is the one who doesn't want more children, for whatever reasons, leaves the other with quite a bit of sadness, maybe resentment and that is discouraging in a marriage. i think it is an impossible situation and one i am glad i don't really have to deal with. it would be dangerous for me to have more children even if i wanted any and my husband wanted as many as we have. it WAS however something we discussed before marriage and decided on. we both agreed. i think the question from the poster sounds less about children per se, and more about how to find happiness in her life.

 

i laughed at the woman who said there is no guarantee of lovely family gatherings later...cause ain't that the truth! :lol: i really stress making ones own self happy and not look to others, even children, to do that.

 

 

It IS sad, I quite agree. There is no way for both to have what they desire.

 

Also, I don't know about the OP's case, but a lot of women want something different family-wise later than they did when they were young. I never in my wildest daydreams wanted more than 3 kids when I was young and when we first got married. I never imagined I would be a homeschooler and I thought my major goal was to work and earn. Those things changed later, so whatever I thought we wanted in family size when I was 23 was moot.

[Lisbeth]

This is the second time in a short period I have heard a woman's sadness because her husband like where things are and she wants more children. To me, being part of a family is a process. There is room for negotiations to happen. Or at least there should be. Why does the husband get to decide and the wife mourn her hopes? Either way it is a tough situation because someone is going to have to adapt.

 

0

 

Agree. Not wanting several children would be a dealbreaker for me. Why does the husband get to decide? Why do so many men seem stuck on automatic "no" to everything?

[Dustybug]

:grouphug: I know how you feel. I would LOVE to have another one. I have always said I wantedat LEAST 4-5 children. I think when we discussed it before marriage, DH didn't really think I was serious, because now at 3, he says he is done, at least for now. :sad: He says that we can discuss it again in a few years, but I don't like the idea of having 3 really close together and then one all by itself later on. I feel like it would be lonely for them because I know that if DH decided we could have one more, that would be it.

 

I met a family with 7 children at Goodwill last week and I looked at that group wistfully. *sigh*

[the evolving homemaker]

It IS sad, I quite agree. There is no way for both to have what they desire.

 

Also, I don't know about the OP's case, but a lot of women want something different family-wise later than they did when they were young. I never in my wildest daydreams wanted more than 3 kids when I was young and when we first got married. I never imagined I would be a homeschooler and I thought my major goal was to work and earn. Those things changed later, so whatever I thought we wanted in family size when I was 23 was moot.

 

:iagree: That is so true. I suppose it just so happened that when i was 23 i didn't want kids at all and now I have 2 and homeschool...who knew? by the time we began to have kids we both agreed on 2. of course in my sisters case, her husband got 'fixed' after they had their 3rd, and nine years later she decided she wanted another so they adopted. So too true, your statement, too true!

[StephanieZ]

I wasn't done, but dh was. We struggled, but in the end, he was done, and I had to let it go.

 

I tell myself that I am saving up my baby love for grandkids. I also enjoy spoiling a few little people in my life (a godchild, and another little one who isn't officially related but is sort of like a godchild).

 

When your son is off to college, you could consider fostering again, or you could volunteer in some other way with young children. One mom I know decided to teach preschool when her youngest entered gradeschool, and she's done that happily for 15-20 years now, getting her little-kid fix that way.

 

Also, it might be time to explore YOURSELF for new interests. Take up a sport, or a new hobby or craft. Something creative and challenging. Quilting, or running, or yoga, or pottery. Take a class. Dig out something from your basement that you tried years ago but haven't had time to do.

 

(((hugs)))

 

You are not alone in your feelings. I've felt them all. Life is compromises. Unsatisfied desires are not the end of the world.

[kalanamak]

I totally agree. I think the person who doesn't want more kids has to "win" this one.

 

:iagree: I have met a families where mom is bitter and overwhelmed by the last one or two, and families where dad is resentful about not being able to retire at 62 ("I told her my back injuries would catch up to me!"). I've also seen a couple of divorces after the late caboose baby gets to be 3-5 years old.

[5kidsforME]

Agree. Not wanting several children would be a dealbreaker for me. Why does the husband get to decide? Why do so many men seem stuck on automatic "no" to everything?

 

 

I think you tend to hear about the husband that says no, instead of about the husband that lets the wife know that he doesn't want anymore and the wife still barrels on through and has more. (Run on sentence I know.)

 

FTR, I think the person (wife or husband) that does not want more should always win. IMO it's better to mourn what could have been then to resent a child.

 

There's also the potential they could end up changing their mind.

[Rhonda in TX]

I totally agree. I think the person who doesn't want more kids has to "win" this one.

 

I agree as well. My DH pretty much made the decision for us after DD was born. I still wish we had more, but he had good reasons for feeling the way he did, and I do believe that the one who says "no" gets the final say. Of course, you can try to change their mind, but eventually you just have to accept it and move on.

 

:grouphug: to OP. I know it's hard. I'm also 45 and my baby is 14. I so wish I had more following her.

[Audrey]

This is the second time in a short period I have heard a woman's sadness because her husband like where things are and she wants more children. To me, being part of a family is a process. There is room for negotiations to happen. Or at least there should be. Why does the husband get to decide and the wife mourn her hopes? Either way it is a tough situation because someone is going to have to adapt.

 

 

Conversely, why should the wife get to decide and the husband endure the burden of children he didn't really want in the first place?

 

The problem with reproductive desires is that there is no such thing as negotiation. You cannot have half a kid. You either have another child or you don't. There is no middle ground to negotiate.

 

In cases as such, I believe the decision should be to NOT reproduce more. It is more unfair to foist an additional child upon someone who does not want it, than it is to make someone forego additional children. It is so easy for people to say "oh, he'll love it when it arrives." You see that all the time. This, too, is woefully unfair as it employs emotional manipulation upon a person. Of course, he may accept the additional child, perhaps even love it, but this is forced, not willing. Children should be wanted by two willing parents from the outset. Using manipulation to lure another into having an additional child is morally reprehensible, IMO.

Edited February 15, 2012 by Audrey

[meggie]

Conversely, why should the wife get to decide and the husband endure the burden of children he didn't really want in the first place?

 

The problem with reproductive desires is that there is no such thing as negotiation. You cannot have half a kid. You either have another child or you don't. There is no middle ground to negotiate.

 

In cases as such, I believe the decision should be to NOT reproduce more. It is more unfair to foist an additional child upon someone who does not want it, than it is to make someone forego additional children. It is so easy for people to say "oh, he'll love it when it arrives." You see that all the time. This, too, is woefully unfair as it employs emotional manipulation upon a person. Of course, he may accept the additional child, perhaps even love it, but this is forced, not willing. Children should be wanted by two willing parents from the outset. Using manipulation to lure another into having an additional child is morally reprehensible, IMO.

 

She clarifies what she said in post 17.

[Negin]

Conversely, why should the wife get to decide and the husband endure the burden of children he didn't really want in the first place?

The problem with reproductive desires is that there is no such thing as negotiation. You cannot have half a kid. You either have another child or you don't. There is no middle ground to negotiate.

In cases as such, I believe the decision should be to NOT reproduce more. It is more unfair to foist an additional child upon someone who does not want it, than it is to make someone forego additional children. It is so easy for people to say "oh, he'll love it when it arrives." You see that all the time. This, too, is woefully unfair as it employs emotional manipulation upon a person. Of course, he may accept the additional child, perhaps even love it, but this is forced, not willing. Children should be wanted by two willing parents from the outset. Using manipulation to lure another into having an additional child is morally reprehensible, IMO.

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[jjins]

have you shared THESE words with your DH. Sometimes we worry about what we say or how we say it. Content and unwilling to have more are two different things.

 

Best of luck finding peace rather it be in your current situation or a new one.

 

:grouphug:

[leeannpal]

I am in a similar situation. I am 45 and have one daughter who is 9. The desire to have another was super strong for several years, but after having a miscarriage at age 39, I pretty much assumed we were done. As the years have gone by, I do think God has lessened the desire for more children. There are still days when I get that twinge, even though at 45, I really wouldn't want to start all over again. What I am trying to do is not think about the "what ifs," but it is hard sometimes.

[mama2cntrykids]

I know how you feel! I'm not currently longing for another, but at one time I was.

 

From the time my first dd (who is now 5.5 yrs old) was a toddler I wanted to have a fourth. Dh DID NOT. I prayed for the Lord to take away the desire and eventually, He did. Fast forward a few years and a move into a new house. Guess what? I got pregnant. By that time I really didn't desire to have ANY more, so it took awhile to be ok with it.

 

The baby is now 8.5 months old and a blessing to us all. Do I want more?? NO. I am content with what I have (and sometimes overwhelmed). I'm not saying that I don't have my moments of "oh it'd be sweet to have another baby". I do, but they are fleeting and few/far between:001_smile:.

[Guest bethcs]

It is very helpful to hear from others. I really appreciate what you all have shared and even keep reading some over and over. Thanks again for being there for a "stranger". God bless. I will keep coming back for anymore posts that come in. Sometimes just knowing others have felt the same way helps.

Beth

[KatA]

I just wanted to post a quick "I understand." Husband has a stressful work and school schedule, and there's really no end in sight. So he doesn't want another. It is what it is. I don't think I'll ever not wish I had another child (if that makes sense), but I do love our little family. And I don't push the issue on an already stressed husband.

 

It's a weird mix of desire and contentment. Some days are worse than others. But anyway, from another poster with a small post count to another, I understand. :001_smile:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug: I thought I was done after ds2. I had a very bad pregnancy and dh had a vasectomy after ds2 was born, because I didn't want to go through another pregnancy like that. Fast forward to a couple of years ago, and I really, really started to want another one or two kids. I broached the subject with dh. I talked about adoption, since both of our families have adopted children and we are somewhat familiar with the mental, emotional and financial costs. Dh does not want any more kids. He is already 53 and feels too old to start raising more kids. I can truly appreciate that, and have given up hope of having more of our own kids.

 

I'm going to start babysitting a 2 month old in a few days, and I'm hoping that will satisfy some of my baby cravings. I'm looking forward to another child in my life in that way, at least. I know I will help her grow up in a loving environment and work with her parents to give her what she needs. I think this will help me heal from my sadness of wanting more kids.

[A.Balaban]

I believe the decision has to be made mutually- through serious discussion, reflection (and prayer). I don't think it is right to say that one spouse should "win" over the other- the decision needs to be mutual.

 

In my situation, my DH and I decided we wanted four kids. We have two kids, but after I gave birth to my daughter I said I was done. I have very difficult pregnancies, and the complications (and cost!) seem to increase each time. So, my DH and I decided that "kids are not in the cards" for at least x years (yes, we picked an arbitrary number). It's been a year and a half, and I'm starting to feel wistful. I think in the future, we will explore other options to have kids.

[Negin]

I think you should be careful when assuming that a large family will equal large and festive holiday gatherings. I come from a large family and I know that my mother has been devastated by the lack of family gatherings that her children (my siblings) choose to participate in. Make a happy life, with or without a large family, because you just don't know what the future holds. :)

So very, very true. I have seen this time and time again.

[hollyh]

This isn't the same, but my mom always wanted twins and felt incomplete (like she needed to keep trying) because she didn't have them. There is no history of twins in my family though. Randomly I became pregnant with twins- when I told her-- she said this total peace came over her and that desire FINALLY left. It was like she had that desire fulfilled in a way she never had expected. I'm only saying this to say that you never know how God will fulfill that desire that you have.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would hate to want more than my dh. Hugs to you! Praying God fulfills or takes away that desire in you. I would agree that finding a new hobby or something that interests you would be a good idea.

[Guest]

I believe the decision has to be made mutually- through serious discussion, reflection (and prayer). I don't think it is right to say that one spouse should "win" over the other- the decision needs to be mutual.

 

In my situation, my DH and I decided we wanted four kids. We have two kids, but after I gave birth to my daughter I said I was done. I have very difficult pregnancies, and the complications (and cost!) seem to increase each time. So, my DH and I decided that "kids are not in the cards" for at least x years (yes, we picked an arbitrary number). It's been a year and a half, and I'm starting to feel wistful. I think in the future, we will explore other options to have kids.

 

I'm sorry, but this is simply not always possible. It would be very ideal to be able to come to some perfect agreement, but if Person A wants another and Person B does not, someone or the other is not going to get their desire, no matter how much discussion, reflection and prayer might occur. Also, in many cases (mine, for example), being older makes it an issue that cannot simply be tabled for 5 more years. Eventually, it is moot and the person who did not want another does in fact, "win" by default. It stinks, but that's life.

[BakersDozen]

I believe the decision has to be made mutually- through serious discussion, reflection (and prayer). I don't think it is right to say that one spouse should "win" over the other- the decision needs to be mutual.

 

Thank you for posting this! I've been bothered deeply by the "win" aspect involved in a decision that is monumental. If my dh decided he was going to "win" in this issue there would be very, very serious consequences in our marriage; the same would go for him if I decided I was going to "win".

[Unscripted]

In any major life decision (financial, reproductive, etc) the more conservative vote "wins" if we can't find a compromise. More kids vs. Staying put- would equal staying put. An expensive car vs. Less expensive (or waiting till later) means the less expensive gets the win. Some of these types of decisions have long lasting responsibilities and consequences, and in my opinion no one should be intentionally forced or even pressured into duties they are totally against. Those duties will likely be shared in the marriage, and therefore BOTH need to agree. If you can't agree, then the more conservative choice gets to decide.

I will say that I flinched a bit seeing "why does the man always get to win, or say no?". Besides my above opinion- how would you feel if your DH were pressuring and pressuring for another child, that you didn't want? Say you have hard pregnancies. And his retort is essentially- yeah, you will be uncomfortable for a bit... But I *really* want one. I have a feeling there wouldn't be much sympathy for that guy. Lol :)

[Scarymelon]

I don't necessarily recommend it as an approach, but Michael Lewis has a funny story in his book about parenting; his wife (who is much younger than him) told him that she wanted to to have a third child and was going off the pill; if he didn't want another baby, he needed to do something about it. He didn't really want another, but didn't get around to doing anything and they had a baby a year later.

[Aelwydd]

I

I will say that I flinched a bit seeing "why does the man always get to win, or say no?". Besides my above opinion- how would you feel if your DH were pressuring and pressuring for another child, that you didn't want? Say you have hard pregnancies. And his retort is essentially- yeah, you will be uncomfortable for a bit... But I *really* want one. I have a feeling there wouldn't be much sympathy for that guy. Lol :)

 

Exactly. I'm one such wife, who did not want anymore babies after my ds, but my dh did. He did not pressure me, but he did desire and wish for another.

 

I hated being pregnant. It was physically extremely hard on me. I have chronic back issues and sciatic nerve pain to this day. And it's not because I gained a huge amount of weight or anything (I gained exactly 25 lbs, and I topped out at 148 lbs). I was sick for the first six months, and it did a number on my gallbladder and stomach.

 

Then, add in childbirth. I went natural, by choice, because I was very concerned about how an epidural could complicate my already horrendous back pain. Even having an "easy" birth, it sucked, and I don't want to do it again. I find nothing desirable about putting myself and my body through that.

 

Finally, PPD. That seriously inhibited my ability to bond with my ds, and it also contributed to worsening health.

 

So, what--my husband really desired another, so I am supposed to simply endure all that to satisfy his wish? What about my health? And my ability to care for the child we already have?

 

I don't see the plight of men as much different. Many times, the physical labor involved in men's work can be very arduous, and even dangerous. Even in non-physical work, there is the physical toll of years of stress and mental strain, coupled with how that impacts eating and general health.

 

Why should they just chuck their own energy and physical health out the window? Each child spells out more years of work and physical strain for them. If they don't want or can't give that, then they shouldn't be forced or guilted into it. IMO, if a wife really wants a child that badly when the husband doesn't, then perhaps she should be willing to share that financial load and put in some work hours herself. I know that won't be a popular suggestion on this board, but it's only fair that the sacrifice be shared.

[SKL]

If he's said overtly that he's really done for sure AFTER knowing that you'd love to have another, then I agree that the "no" vote wins here.

 

But, have you had this conversation or are you just thinking that's what he would say? Does he know that you don't feel "done" at all?

 

Any chance that he'd be open to adopt one child, even an older child if infants aren't his thing?

 

Personally I adopted two girls at the same time when I was 40. (I'm single.) I'd always dreamed of a big family, but two ended up being perfect for me. They have each other, and that is really important to me. I wonder if your husband has given any thought to the fact that someday, your child will have no close relatives other than his inlaws (assuming he even gets married, which is not a given). Though, granted, there is no guarantee that siblings will care for each other.

[Guest]

Exactly. I'm one such wife, who did not want anymore babies after my ds, but my dh did. He did not pressure me, but he did desire and wish for another.

 

I hated being pregnant. It was physically extremely hard on me. I have chronic back issues and sciatic nerve pain to this day. And it's not because I gained a huge amount of weight or anything (I gained exactly 25 lbs, and I topped out at 148 lbs). I was sick for the first six months, and it did a number on my gallbladder and stomach.

 

Then, add in childbirth. I went natural, by choice, because I was very concerned about how an epidural could complicate my already horrendous back pain. Even having an "easy" birth, it sucked, and I don't want to do it again. I find nothing desirable about putting myself and my body through that.

 

Finally, PPD. That seriously inhibited my ability to bond with my ds, and it also contributed to worsening health.

 

So, what--my husband really desired another, so I am supposed to simply endure all that to satisfy his wish? What about my health? And my ability to care for the child we already have?

 

I don't see the plight of men as much different. Many times, the physical labor involved in men's work can be very arduous, and even dangerous. Even in non-physical work, there is the physical toll of years of stress and mental strain, coupled with how that impacts eating and general health.

 

Why should they just chuck their own energy and physical health out the window? Each child spells out more years of work and physical strain for them. If they don't want or can't give that, then they shouldn't be forced or guilted into it. IMO, if a wife really wants a child that badly when the husband doesn't, then perhaps she should be willing to share that financial load and put in some work hours herself. I know that won't be a popular suggestion on this board, but it's only fair that the sacrifice be shared.

 

:iagree: I think it is no better to goad a man into fathering a child he didn't desire than it would be for a man to cajole his wife into having another baby she doesn't feel up to bearing and/or raising. And either scenario is not optimal for the resulting child.

[Guest bethcs]

If he's said overtly that he's really done for sure AFTER knowing that you'd love to have another, then I agree that the "no" vote wins here.

 

But, have you had this conversation or are you just thinking that's what he would say? Does he know that you don't feel "done" at all?

 

Any chance that he'd be open to adopt one child, even an older child if infants aren't his thing?

 

I have had the conversation with him. Adoption is what we would have to do since I have never been able to stay pregnant. Our first is adopted and went extremely well. He is very smart and even looks like us. However, to adopt again both parents have to be on board and he isn't. Financially the expense. He agreed to foster parenting and he was even open to adopting a foster child IF that came available. It didn't happen. We fostered but none of the children were able to be adopted. He doesn't want to go through all the hoops again even through the state adoption. He just said if it happened that one of the foster children we had became available to adopt we would consider it. It didn't happen and I have had to put fostering on hold for now as we are transitioning into buying a house (ours sold, we are renting and looking). I can't do foster care again until we own. Also, we had a few kids that we thought were going to become available to adopt and then it would fall through. I have never miraculously gotten pregnant either. So having this one child is the will of the Father for now.

[Catwoman]

We had infertilty issues and ended up adopting. Love our son and it was the greatest experience aside from the cost. My husband was done and and satisfied with one. I wasn't and no matter how hard I tried he wouldn't budge. I never got pregant so is this God's will. Will God take the desire away from me like he did when he took the desire away to be pregant. I keep hoping. I don't know sometimes I feel fine with it now that my baby (we got him as an infant) is 13 and I am close to 45. I took care of my nieces toddlers for a week and thought: how would I ever go back to that? So maybe it is changing. I just worry about when my son is off and married and can't spend holidays with us because he is with his inlaws. Will i then regret that we didn't have more? My husband is a loving father and husband. He is not controlling but he just was content with one. I wonder if I ever will be. I tried foster parenting for awhile and that was fun. I got all newborns, but time with my son was limited. He didn't mind but we both new it was temporary. I always dreamed of being a mom that is all I wanted. Now what do I do? I am somewhat bored with life. I love my son and don't miss it when he grows to the next stage/age. In fact, i can't wait to see how he turns out, who he marries and what career path he takes. I have always loved watching him grow. So it is not really more babies I long for or miss the babies (although I enjoyed that too) I just wanted a big family for big family gatherings later on in life. I am afraid I have been bored and feeling unproductive for a few years. I don't really enjoy watching other peoples kids. I just really wanted my own. I am a really good mom when kids are little too. I teach them, give them boundries, love playing with them and putting them on a schedule. I throughly enjoyed my son. but what do i do with this incomplete feeling???? i am considering putting my son in private school and figuring out a job for me so we can retire someday. My husband has never made a great income. God has always met our needs. But we never quite had enough to adopt again either and with my husbands desire waining I coudn't talk him into it. Sorry to ramble on and on. Just hoping God speaks to me through some of you and your experiences. It gets hard being in the homeschool community where most of our friends have lots of kids....plus I keep forgiving my husband. I don't and will not allow myself to get bitter towards him. I tell him what I think and he knows how I feel. He is just content.

 

 

I hate to say this, but your husband doesn't want another child, and it sounds like you want one mainly because you think you'll be lonely without another child to keep you company on Thanksgiving and Christmas 20 years from now. Why are you looking so far into the future? You have a great 13 year-old who needs you, and if you want to maintain your close relationship with him, perhaps fostering or adopting more babies isn't the best way to have more time to spend with your son, so he'll always want to come and see you, no matter how old he gets.

 

This may not be a popular opinion, but you don't need a lot of children (or any children, for that matter) to be fulfilled. You really need to figure out what else you want out of your life. Do you have any hobbies? Are you a member of any local groups or organizations? Do you volunteer?

 

If both you and your husband wanted another child, I would say that you should go for it, but your husband has made it crystal clear that he's happy with the way things are. Personally, I think you should be grateful for the wonderful child you already have, and stop worrying about what you'll do for the holidays many, many years from now. It's not productive, and you have no way of knowing what will happen between now and then.

 

I hope I didn't sound harsh, but I really think you need to sit back and be thankful for your husband, who sounds like a terrific guy, and your son, who also sounds great.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling sad about not having a larger family, but it sounds like you have a lot to be happy about, so I hope you'll be able to focus on that. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: