plain jane Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 (edited) thx all!! Edited February 15, 2012 by plain jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 It sounds like she has some issues, and I think I'd try and put a little distance between myself and her. Sorry, though. I'm sure you miss your "old" friend. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 :grouphug: What a bummer. Of course her life isn't perfect. You're too wrapped up in it to see, but from here it looks like she feels very insecure about her homeschooling. Seriously, she doesn't tell you about things so you won't be able to enroll your kids or get something on sale? Someone who feels OK about what they are doing will be able to admit that not all days are golden and hard things happen. She has a very unhealthy thing going on in her mind and it's sad. I do not know what could be done about it unless she realizes that she has a problem. You could bring it up, but I'm not the person to ask for advice on that! I just want you to know that she is the one with the problem here, not you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Actually, based on all you wrote, I do not think it is you. I do think you need to talk to her about it openly, because some of those things are just... sly (re: registering kids with a class and all). :001_huh: Being assertive and confident is GREAT, and having an A-type personality is not an offense in and of itself either, but she does seem to do it constantly in your face. If it were me, I would probably start asking *concrete questions* - "What curriculum do you use for X subject?", "How do you work on your kids' weaknesses? What are the concrete techniques you have found helpful?" (which necessitates admitting that there are some things her kids are not perfect at and there are some ways she addresses that) Next time she tells you of her perfect day after you had complained about your bad one, try to laughingly disregard it with a, "Yeah, rub it in.", but in a sort of good mood. Little things like that and maybe she gets the hint. If not, talk to her openly. You cannot have somebody constantly putting you down with little things like that, in a friendship, there is a time and a place for both sides to speak (and to be silent), and to consider each other's needs and be tactful about some things. Sure, people mess up and go overboard, and thin is the line between confidence and arrogance sometimes, but what you are describing, if it is indeed not a distorted perspective as you see it now in a bad mood, and if these are not just random weird moments everyone has, sounds a little bit sly and makes me wonder why would anyone behave like that with a friend. Alternatively, if she is just one of those people, but you still like her and appreciate that friendship on some level, "dose" her. There are people you can only take in small doses - so you get peaceful with them being just how they are, but you are mentally prepared for those encounters and take breaks as needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Hugs to you and let her go. You might try telling her your feelings, but in my personal experience, I don't think it will change things with someone that myopic. I've been in that relationship before, and while I adored my friend when we weren't in competition, the constant secrecy and one-upmanship led me to drop the friendship. My dh finally helped me see that my friend and I were not in a healthy relationship. She was not supportive of me and I was getting so uncertain about my standing with her that it was influencing my interactions with her. If every conversation becomes "my life is better than yours," it's best to let her go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Am I somehow subconsciously feeling threatened by her? p No. But she is clearly very threatened by you. Presumably she feels terribly inadequate and insecure about her ability to educate her children and/or their progress, especially as compared to you and your children. People who are confident in what they are doing do not act like this. That said, she is behaving like a twelve-year-old. I mean, come ON. I'm afraid that I can't imagine what you can do. Maybe she's having marital problems or something else that is wrecking her confidence and prompting this juvenile behavior, but in any event, she sounds spectacularly unpleasant to be around and I would dial way back on the friendship. I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 If she is type A and has left the institution she went to college to support (i.e. public education) then she probably has a HUGE chip on her shoulder. She may feel like she has to demonstrate that she has made the perfect choice in order to justify abandonning her former "beliefs." How direct have you been? I would probably say something like, "I can't belive you didn't tell me about that class!" If you are good friends, don't just let her steamroll over you- tell her, lovingly and politely, how you feel. If she quits talking to you, then at this point is it really a big loss? I would not tell her she's being competitive or acting all "type A" of course, but specifically how you feel. The classes that my kids miss out on would bother me in particular. Mess with me- fine, mess with my kids and :angry: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 No. But she is clearly very threatened by you. Presumably she feels terribly inadequate and insecure about her ability to educate her children and/or their progress, especially as compared to you and your children. People who are confident in what they are doing do not act like this. :iagree: I have one friend like this and it is tiring. I just don't talk HSing with her anymore. If she asks me a specific question about a curriculum or something I will answer her, but as soon as she steers the conversation in the wrong direction I pass the bean dip. I refuse to engage her in that sort of competitive mindset any longer. For me it has to be this way; otherwise, I will just end the friendship. I just can't stand it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 If my best friend was behaving and speaking and acting out like this; I'm a good enough friend (and isn't it my duty to the friendship I value so highly?) - to sit her big self down and put the cards on the table and call her on it. We'd be having a very private conversation about the nature of friendship and at the end, either walk out tighter and closer than ever before, or part as the strangers we'd become. There's no way I'd let this fester. Call her out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Your friend doesn't sound like a very good friend. :glare: She sounds insecure and flat out mean. I'm not sure talking to her would help. It does seem odd that she has changed to become that way. Did something happen? Maybe something else in her life is spinning out of control and she is trying to control something, or someone. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 No. But she is clearly very threatened by you. Presumably she feels terribly inadequate and insecure about her ability to educate her children and/or their progress, especially as compared to you and your children. People who are confident in what they are doing do not act like this. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamajo Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Here is another post where my answer tends to be the same advice over and over - Confront gracefully. Maybe it won't change anything but I think we all have blind spots and when someone brings it to light you can't help but to consider what they say. For example, I often talked to a friend about saving money on groceries, couponing and budgeting. Well she finds out about a farmer's market where ground turkey was $1/pound and a apple orchard that was selling bushels of apples really cheap. I was livid to find this out after the fact. I sincerely asked "Wow....what do I have to say or do to get you to include me when you find out about these things?" Ok fine, you called me when you were on your way to the farmer's market so at least you thought about me but you didn't think I could just drop everything and go immediately. I didn't say this piece but she got the message and started sending me all the information on these sales so I could be included the following year. In her case, my husband said give her a break. I have 3 kids she has 5 small kids so she is all over the place. So in my case it isn't a malicious thing but I just realize that people are at different places and have different expectations for their relationships. We are friends but not the type that I thought we were (not b/c of the aforementioned scenario) but we have different needs and expectations in relationships. Maybe this is the case in your relationship. Sometimes people just don't have the capacity to be real or to be a good friend. Maybe they can make steps toward being a better person (sensitive, compassionate, unselfish) when we are honest with them about how they have hurt or disappointed us (of course in a loving, gracious way). Just my 2 cents. But then again I only have one really good friend:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I have a friend very similar to yours, but our situation is a little different. She is actually very kind and supportive, and although competitive has never, ever put me down. There is more of an undercurrent of intense competitiveness. Her children go to the very best private school, the only activities they're involved in have to have 'gifted' or 'gifted and talented' in their description. All she ever talks about is education and achievement. If I had more time and energy I'd probably just let it all roll off me, but I don't. I find her too intense, one-dimensional and boring. It's sad, but I now do my best to avoid her. I'd be running a mile to avoid your friend. Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Element Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Hugs to you and let her go. You might try telling her your feelings, but in my personal experience, I don't think it will change things with someone that myopic. :iagree: I wouldn't enjoy this person's company. Hs'ing is my life right now, so if hs talk is "off the table" with another hs'er... well, it just wouldn't be worth keeping someone like this in my life. Every encounter would be awkward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I had a friend like this. She's well known in Unschooling circles. Life with her began to feel like the song "Anything You Can Do I can Do Better". I've let her go and feel SO MUCH BETTER. The surprising thing is that we're doing better in home schooling, too, because I don't feel degraded for my choices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy in NJ Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 friendship. I have two very close friends in particular that I have zero issues in confronting when problems surface. We're literally family (one is my step-sister, younger than me by 13 months, and the other is by freshman year college roommate.) There is nothing they could do to me that would lead me to distance myself from them. I have other people I'm friendly with. Those are folks I socialize with occasionally and who I do like quite a bit. If I had this issue - and I've had similar ones - with the first group, I'd confront either one in a heart beat. The second group - not so much. What kind of friendship is this - the "keeper" kind or the not so much kind? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I didn't read all the replies, but it sounds as if she is threatened by you for some reason. She's almost TOO insistent that her kids are doing great. If she wasn't threatened by you, she would tell you what her kids are doing (activities and such). It's as if she's worried your kids will show them up. Regarding the activities, I would straight out tell her, "I wish you had told me about that activity. It's one that my kids would have enjoyed and honestly, I'm surprised you didn't mention it to me." I think if you tell her in such a way that holds her a bit accountable, she'll tell you in the future. I hope everything improves. I wouldn't be too upset because she sounds like she's worried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Your friend sounds like a walking Christmas letter. Let her enjoy her perfect world. There's a huge pile of bean dip there that she's not sharing the recipe for. I understand it's discouraging. :grouphug: As for you.... I read your posts, and I think you are neither boring nor "just plain." You always share great stuff here! I am sure there is lots she sees in you that she would like to, well, compete with. Again, I am sorry this is discouraging for you. Friends should be willing to be real with each other, sharing both the lows and the highs. It's a very one sided relationship when one won't let down the walls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetpeach Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Hi there, I'm really sorry that you have to process this situation with someone who was once a 'near & dear' . . . it sounds like your friend has serious boundary issues and isn't able to watch herself in the context of friendship/parenting/homeschooling. My thought is that the most insecure among us need constant affirmation and attention from their peer group. If you have a deep tank of grace and acceptance and are willing to walk along with her while speaking your truth when her competitiveness grates you, go for it. Otherwise, you might have to tighten your boundaries and keep her at more of a distance. I'm sorry. Relationship can be so difficult. Warmly, Tricia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrappyhappymama Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 :grouphug: I've been in this situation with a friend, not about homeschooling, but about parenting. I was blindsided by it, because she and I were good friends before we had kids. Everything became a competition, and I am talking from infancy. If my kid took his first step, hers was "walking," at seven months. :glare: If he said a word, hers was speaking in complete sentences. It started getting creepy though and not just annoying when mine would get sick and hers would have to go to the ER. It's just gotten worse as our kids have gotten older, but I have refused to get into the comparing conversations with her since my oldest was about 2. She does the same thing with withholding information until it is too late for us to participate. It's particularly sad, because we ended up related by marriage and our kids should be great buddies, but they have very little relationship at all. I've tried been blunt and calling her out on her inconsistencies or ridiculous comments and all that has done is drive a wedge between our families. Now, we see them occasionally for family events and that's it. We don't proactively offer any information about our kids to her, we smile and nod when she brags on her own kids, and we pass the bean dip when she tries to engage us in comparisons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 My totally immature reaction would be to start making stuff up about how amazing your kids are. Stuff that is totally impossible. How they finished an entire year of Latin in a week, then planted a huge organic garden with all the seeds labeled in Hindi or something. Just to watch her sweat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 If she is a good friend and you hope to salvage the friendship, then you need to talk to you. Tell you what you just told us, in love of course. I'm close with my friend because she CAN say stuff like that to me. You may be surprised to discover your friend is jealous of YOU or that she feels insecure. Maybe you are the easier going of the two of you and she wishes she knew how to take a big CHILL pill. I wouldn't give up on the friendship without at least trying to talk to her though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Pat her on the head, tell her Good Girl, and go pour yourself some wine. Katie has some great ideas, too, though. And, they would keep you amused. :D You have to make your eyes wide, with disbelief, though, when you start telling her how brilliant your kids are-that way you can get the full freak out effect. Honestly? I would slowly remove myself from that situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 :grouphug:If you want to salvage the friendship, you should print your post, or something similar, and send it to her. It sounds like you all are close enough to be brutally honest. If you are not comfortable with that then I would recommend distancing yourself, physically and emotionally. You do not need that kind of toxicity in your life. It would be awesome if you could hold a mirror up to her and let her know how her behavior is affecting you and your friendship. But that would be a very hard thing to do. I'm not sure if I would have the courage to do that. If you think deep down she's mature enough to be sorry that she's hurting you and self-aware enough to see that you are telling the truth, go for it. I would chicken out if I thought she would get defensive or bully-ish and just withdraw. There are other fish in the sea. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Element Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 My totally immature reaction would be to start making stuff up about how amazing your kids are. Stuff that is totally impossible. How they finished an entire year of Latin in a week, then planted a huge organic garden with all the seeds labeled in Hindi or something. Just to watch her sweat. :lol::lol: I love this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 THIS is hilarious: My totally immature reaction would be to start making stuff up about how amazing your kids are. Stuff that is totally impossible. How they finished an entire year of Latin in a week, then planted a huge organic garden with all the seeds labeled in Hindi or something. Just to watch her sweat. But THIS is grace: If she is a good friend and you hope to salvage the friendship, then you need to talk to you. Tell you what you just told us, in love of course. I'm close with my friend because she CAN say stuff like that to me. You may be surprised to discover your friend is jealous of YOU or that she feels insecure. Maybe you are the easier going of the two of you and she wishes she knew how to take a big CHILL pill. I wouldn't give up on the friendship without at least trying to talk to her though. If the second approach doesn't work, go with the first! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Whatever her reasons or motives are, it's bringing you down. I need my friends to support me...I will avoid someone if I end up feeling bad around her. For my own sake, I would avoid her; conveniently have it not work out to have her come over; cultivate more supportive friendships; dig for my own information on classes and programs; limit general communication with her; and when we did happen to end up spending time together, keep changing the subject away from homeschooling or even the kids. It's possible that when she figures out you will no longer play the role of the person who makes her feel smart by her making you feel less smart, she will go looking for someone else to do that for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Yep. I had a "friend" like that. She had to have the better house, better horses, better children, better husband, you name it. She ended up abandoning her dh and children. Guess it wasn't so great after all. I'd be tempted to play along with the lady. She says "My children are so intelligent" You say "Mine won the Nobel Peace Prize last week" She says "My children are so active in the community." You say "Mine just did a three week stint in the Peace Corps." If hers do well in science yours just discovered a cure for the common cold. If hers are musically gifted yours just got accepted to Julliard. Hey- if hers can ride a horse tell her that YOURS have been accepted into Remudamom's program for incredibly gifted equestrians. Gotta do it with a straight face though. She'll get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 No. But she is clearly very threatened by you. Presumably she feels terribly inadequate and insecure about her ability to educate her children and/or their progress, especially as compared to you and your children. People who are confident in what they are doing do not act like this. That said, she is behaving like a twelve-year-old. I mean, come ON. I'm afraid that I can't imagine what you can do. Maybe she's having marital problems or something else that is wrecking her confidence and prompting this juvenile behavior, but in any event, she sounds spectacularly unpleasant to be around and I would dial way back on the friendship. I'm so sorry. :iagree: She sounds like a world class snot. I would ditch her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 My totally immature reaction would be to start making stuff up about how amazing your kids are. Stuff that is totally impossible. How they finished an entire year of Latin in a week, then planted a huge organic garden with all the seeds labeled in Hindi or something. Just to watch her sweat. :D :D :D :D Don't forget to add in the part about how it wasn't easy homeschooling the kids while you finished your doctorate in Nuclear Physics this year, but somehow you managed to muddle through, even though you were also awfully busy in your side job as U.N. Ambassador to the tiny but growing nation of Nuchogoslovakia. ;) Make her feel like a loser. It will be fun! :D (Hey, she seems to enjoy doing it to you, right?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotAVampireLvr Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I would take a step back from the relationship, be cordial when getting together for the kids, but that's all. I know someone IRL who is like this and we are not really close friends, but our kids are friendly. I make it work for their sake - but I can tell right from the get-go that it could very easily turn to a situation like yours so I've purposefully kept my distance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeganW Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I think I'd jump in and ask "are you trying me feel bad? I need someone to vent to, and all you want to do is tell me how great your kids are and how perfect your life is!" Sales: "Why in the world didn't you call me to share the news? That wasn't very nice. I always let you know about these things!" Classes: Again, "I really wish you had let me know! My kids would have really enjoyed that! Is there some reason you don't want my kids to attend with yours?" With people like that, you have a few choices: - silently be mad, and increase the stress in your life exponentially - cut them out of your life - deal with it directly. Anytime she says/does something rude or in your face, kindly but firmly point it out. "Are you trying to make me feel bad?" "Wow, what a rude thing to say!" "As much fun as it is to compete with you about xxx, I'd love to talk about something else today." Etc. Etc. It takes a lot of guts to do it the first time, but gets easier. (I have kids who are developmentally delayed, and all my friends are CPAs, so quite competitive. We can't compete, so I have had to learn to shut these conversations down!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I have a friend who sounds very similar to your friend. She had her first baby a couple of months before I had DD1. She is the most type A person I have ever encountered. I have to extend grace in the friendship quite a bit; however, I guess she probably does the same thing with me, as I have been quite the flake since DD was born. ;) Anyway, I just do not engage her in talking about milestones at all. Ever. Right now, the subject we a avoiding is potty training. She's been training her DD for a few months already. I was planning to wait about 6 months before starting to train my DD (she'd be 2 1/2 then). Anyway, DD has started taking off her diaper a lot, so we are starting to let her sit on the potty if she wants. But I will not be bringing up the topic with my friend. And I will do my best to change the subject if she brings it up. :) FWIW, I love my friend. She's a great person. I'm just not into competing for the "best parent award." I am probably not as close to her as I would be were she not like this, but that's ok, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I think I'd jump in and ask "are you trying me feel bad? I need someone to vent to, and all you want to do is tell me how great your kids are and how perfect your life is!" Sales: "Why in the world didn't you call me to share the news? That wasn't very nice. I always let you know about these things!" Classes: Again, "I really wish you had let me know! My kids would have really enjoyed that! Is there some reason you don't want my kids to attend with yours?" With people like that, you have a few choices: - silently be mad, and increase the stress in your life exponentially - cut them out of your life - deal with it directly. Anytime she says/does something rude or in your face, kindly but firmly point it out. "Are you trying to make me feel bad?" "Wow, what a rude thing to say!" "As much fun as it is to compete with you about xxx, I'd love to talk about something else today." Etc. Etc. It takes a lot of guts to do it the first time, but gets easier. (I have kids who are developmentally delayed, and all my friends are CPAs, so quite competitive. We can't compete, so I have had to learn to shut these conversations down!) :iagree: If you want to continue the friendship with her, you will need to be consistent about calling her out on her poor behavior, as well as making sure she knows that you know what she's trying to pull to when she constantly one-ups you. Personally, I can't be bothered with people like that. In my experience, they never really change for the long-term. Hopefully, your friend is different from the women I have known, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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