Accepting Your Nonconformity-sorry, long

[whitestavern]

Dh and I often refer to ourselves as freaks and geeks, which really isn't accurate; we're quite normal! But the fact that we homeschool, live in a 271 year old old house, own chickens, don't own any gaming systems and expose our kids to museums, concerts, old movies, etc. certainly makes us feel like freaks in this day and age. We have found it difficult to make friends in our town, which is pretty tiny to begin with, due to our differences.

 

Dh and I are fine with this. We have some neighbor friends and a couple of other couples that we get together with on occasion. Dd has a couple of public schooled friends; one from when she was going to girl scouts (she's now in a homeschool troop) and one she's known for about 10 years from a mom's club we used to belong to. She also has several homeschooled friends she's met through the years. Ds on the other hand, has almost no friends. He had two very close friends that have moved far away, one homeschool friend who now goes to ps and is very difficult to get together with, and one homeschooled set of brothers that are also difficult to get together with since they live quite far away. He's in the ps boy scout troop, but due to our upbringing vs their upbringing, it just seems to be difficult to "fit in". We've recently come to the realization that several of both our kids' friends don't like to come over here because we don't have gaming systems, which seems incredibly sad.

 

All this to say that I go through stages of sadness about all this. I spend a lot of time wondering if my dc should be in school, or if we should purchase a gaming system to help them "fit in". I know this isn't really rational, but how can I be content with the way things are?

 

Dh isn't really concerned about our lack of socialization so he doesn't offer up any suggestions. I guess he's accepting of our nonconformity. I'm not sure I am. There aren't a lot of opportunities for my ds to get involved where he can make close friendships. He's in CCD 1x/week (difficult to make friends in that setting), doesn't really do sports except for baseball (where all the boys are already friends with each other) or individual sports like skiing and golf. He's in scouts but it's a very small troop and as I said, the boys are very different from ds, plus they all know each other from school. There are very few opportunities in a homeschool setting for him.

 

Okay, sorry for the long ramble/vent. So for those of you who feel "different", where your difference affects you in a negative way, how do you come to terms with that?

[Serenade]

Interesting thread topic, and something I've been thinking of lately as well. Neither of my boys have friends anymore. We moved, and there are not many kids in our new area, and the ones who are here, you rarely see. The boys didn't have many friends in our old neighborhood, either. They did for a while, but then the people moved away. My boys do Ninjutsu (martial art, in a private class) and cub and boy scouts. I wouldn't say either of them are outsiders, but they are definitely different from the other boys, and, like it is for your boys, most of the other boys are friends from school or other activities

 

Sometimes I worry about it, but then I think of my DH who grew up without friends for the most part and was largely an older child (much older sister). There were no kids his age in his neighborhood, and he was also on the fringes of the schools he attended. He spent his time outdoors, raised ducks -- even wild ones abandoned by their moms, and basically had a lot of freedom to explore and roam. He doesn't regret his childhood at all. He had lots of chores to do as his dad was often gone. He turned out to be a wonderful, responsible, thoughtful man who doesn't fritter his time away watching TV or lounging around the house. He is a more quiet, contemplative man, but I think that has more to do with his personality (he's an engineer) than the way he was brought up.

 

In our house, we have some electronics, but they are limited, as is any type of TV. Mostly we watch movies, and even that is not common. Sometimes weeks go by with no programming. My oldest has a DS, my youngest an ipod, and we have a Wii. Wii is generally played on weekends only, and for controlled amounts of time. The DS can be played for a short time daily, but it rarely is. I think if you raise you kids in a home where electronics are an occasional side dish, but not the main course, they will choose on their own to do other things than play electronics.

[momto3boys]

I'm very new to homeschooling and don't have much in the way of solutions to offer but I do want to offer support for how you choose to raise your family. I don't plan on having gaming systems, etc either as my boys get older-I think boys (and girls!) should be outside playing rather than staring at a screen.

 

Perhaps you could organize some sort of fun outdoors oriented get-together with some of the boys from BS to show that you don't need those things to have fun, like a campfire party with marshmallow roasting or create an obstacle course in the backyard?

 

Sorry not to be more help...

[ma23peas]

My kids love going to friend's houses like yours! They love the change of scenery, seeing baby goats, harvesting eggs, playing Narnia in a very old house!

 

My go to is always prayer! Two years ago, my son was just like yours! We talked about it and sat and prayed for God to reveal opportunities and help him find friends. Wow! It is amazing to see how God has provided! We all get tickled about it. Within a week of praying the balls started rolling.

 

1. A mom at my girls' dance class began hounding me to teach a writing class at their coop...bc I was known as an awesome writer? No. Bc no one else would do it and she knew I would make it fun. Having just prayed, I knew this was what God wanted...it took 3-4 more pleadings to seal the deal but I relented. Two years later, my son's class is bursting...he loves going and as gained many, many friends!

 

2. Also, at this time a friend mentioned FEE scholarship economic summer programs..the application was due that week...he applied, got accepted and created dozens of friends from all over the states he keeps up with on FB.

 

3. For two months before we prayed, I had had a growing cyst on my back...at first just a little pea size, the week we prayed it had doubled and was a very large marble! It was gross when the kids would hug me and naturally want to grab it to see how much bigger it was! Yuck! I decided to have it cut out that week...my surgeon did it in her office, I was awake for it all...it was deeper than she thought so we had plenty of time to talk...:tongue_smilie: she started telling me how she was a competitor rower in the masters (older people)... She urged me to have my kids try rowing that she was a booster for the juniors and knew my kids would love it...so, since I was a captive audience I had to hear about rowing for over an hour. All right, God, I get it! But by the 45 minute drive home and the anesthetic wearing off, I really had put it in the back of my mind. I get home to check email...right there in my inbox was a last call for rowing camp! A mom who had no idea I was considering it had sent it to me...you can bet, we jumped on it, now my son goes to practices 4-5 days a week and has 40 new friends he works out with and competes with!

 

If there is a need, God meets it...He does a much better job of planning for my kids than I could...I just have to be willing and have my blinders off when He tries to make a point! The greatest thing is. The lesson my son learned about prayer...priceless.

[sparrow]

Dh and I often refer to ourselves as freaks and geeks, which really isn't accurate; we're quite normal! But the fact that we homeschool, live in a 271 year old old house, own chickens, don't own any gaming systems and expose our kids to museums, concerts, old movies, etc. certainly makes us feel like freaks in this day and age. We have found it difficult to make friends in our town, which is pretty tiny to begin with, due to our differences.

 

Dh and I are fine with this. We have some neighbor friends and a couple of other couples that we get together with on occasion. Dd has a couple of public schooled friends; one from when she was going to girl scouts (she's now in a homeschool troop) and one she's known for about 10 years from a mom's club we used to belong to. She also has several homeschooled friends she's met through the years. Ds on the other hand, has almost no friends. He had two very close friends that have moved far away, one homeschool friend who now goes to ps and is very difficult to get together with, and one homeschooled set of brothers that are also difficult to get together with since they live quite far away. He's in the ps boy scout troop, but due to our upbringing vs their upbringing, it just seems to be difficult to "fit in". We've recently come to the realization that several of both our kids' friends don't like to come over here because we don't have gaming systems, which seems incredibly sad.

 

All this to say that I go through stages of sadness about all this. I spend a lot of time wondering if my dc should be in school, or if we should purchase a gaming system to help them "fit in". I know this isn't really rational, but how can I be content with the way things are?

 

Dh isn't really concerned about our lack of socialization so he doesn't offer up any suggestions. I guess he's accepting of our nonconformity. I'm not sure I am. There aren't a lot of opportunities for my ds to get involved where he can make close friendships. He's in CCD 1x/week (difficult to make friends in that setting), doesn't really do sports except for baseball (where all the boys are already friends with each other) or individual sports like skiing and golf. He's in scouts but it's a very small troop and as I said, the boys are very different from ds, plus they all know each other from school. There are very few opportunities in a homeschool setting for him.

 

Okay, sorry for the long ramble/vent. So for those of you who feel "different", where your difference affects you in a negative way, how do you come to terms with that?

 

We do all of those things, except live in an 271 year old house, and we own game systems :001_smile:. I don't necessarily feel like an outsider, but we haven't made any solid adult friendships since moving to my small hometown 4 years ago. We haven't really tried that hard. We keep in touch with our old friends and we're OK with that.

 

My son has had a harder time making strong friendships, but I DO think even gaming talk has opened the door for him to socialize. The fact is, it is what most boys do play on game systems. I am not morally or culturally opposed to such games, so why would I handicap my son in yet another way from his peers? Believe me, he's different enough ;).

 

Is your son interested in games? Do you have reasons for not wanting them?

[whitestavern]

We do all of those things, except live in an 271 year old house, and we own game systems :001_smile:. I don't necessarily feel like an outsider, but we haven't made any solid adult friendships since moving to my small hometown 4 years ago. We haven't really tried that hard. We keep in touch with our old friends and we're OK with that.

 

My son has had a harder time making strong friendships, but I DO think even gaming talk has opened the door for him to socialize. The fact is, it is what most boys do play on game systems. I am not morally or culturally opposed to such games, so why would I handicap my son in yet another way from his peers? Believe me, he's different enough ;).

 

Is your son interested in games? Do you have reasons for not wanting them?

 

I'm not completely opposed to gaming systems, although I could think of other ways I'd rather spend that kind of money :tongue_smilie:. But, ds does have Tourettes and likely ADHD, and I've heard video games can have a negative effect on those issues. He LOVES video games, but he is the type of child who will not respond well to limits on the system. I am thinking this will be a battle of him always wanting to play, and it will be difficult to get him off once he's been playing. I can completely see it being an obsession with him. I'm not sure I want to open Pandora's box.

[ma23peas]

I'm not completely opposed to gaming systems, although I could think of other ways I'd rather spend that kind of money :tongue_smilie:. But, ds does have Tourettes and likely ADHD, and I've heard video games can have a negative effect on those issues. He LOVES video games, but he is the type of child who will not respond well to limits on the system. I am thinking this will be a battle of him always wanting to play, and it will be difficult to get him off once he's been playing. I can completely see it being an obsession with him. I'm not sure I want to open Pandora's box.

 

 

You are very wise! Stay firm in that, it is one of the most loving things you can do!

[klmama]

I was totally opposed to having any gaming systems, but dh convinced me to try to see how it went. After a few weeks of intense use, life got back to normal. They still love all the things they loved before we got one, but now when their friends come over, they play some game for half an hour or so. It isn't a big deal, and it keeps the friend interaction going while their creative ideas are running low. They really do talk and interact a lot while they play, so I'm okay with that, and afterward they move on to other play. When their friends aren't here, my dc seem to forget that we even have the gaming system stuff - it just isn't a priority for them. I think each of them plays about once or twice a month on their own, with no friends asking to play.

[Farrar]

I think this is really a question of community to some extent. You'd fit right in with people I know. Here, we're a bit nonconformist for having video gaming systems. :D

[Joanne]

Okay, sorry for the long ramble/vent. So for those of you who feel "different", where your difference affects you in a negative way, how do you come to terms with that?

 

Years ago in my parenting journey, I was quite radical. I would have considered living off the grid, homesteading, etc. I even had a sig line that said "so far from center I can't see normal from here."

 

What I discovered for me was that it wasn't my individual choices, but my attachment to "alternative" that was getting in the way of good choices. I had become so attached to being different that I began to entertain ideas simply because they weren't mainstream - not because those non-mainstream ideas had merit in and of themself.

 

I had become an "alternasheep". It was like a group of teens dressed exactly alike claiming "different" status. :lol: It was like an SNL skit combining predictable constellation of alternative ideas.

 

I started evaluating choices individually, not based on whether "everyone" was doing it, or if "everyone" in the alternative world was doing it. This process saved me from non-coercive parenting, unschooling, unassisted birthing, and making my own bread.

 

Anyway, that is my journey. It may not have anything to do with yours. We love our X Box. :001_smile:

[sparrow]

I'm not completely opposed to gaming systems, although I could think of other ways I'd rather spend that kind of money :tongue_smilie:. But, ds does have Tourettes and likely ADHD, and I've heard video games can have a negative effect on those issues. He LOVES video games, but he is the type of child who will not respond well to limits on the system. I am thinking this will be a battle of him always wanting to play, and it will be difficult to get him off once he's been playing. I can completely see it being an obsession with him. I'm not sure I want to open Pandora's box.

 

:grouphug: I get it more than you know. When I said that he's "different enough" I was referring to the fact that ds has PDD-NOS--which for him includes vocal and physical tics.

 

My son LOVES schedules. That means he has a scheduled time for his gaming. He knows when it starts and stops. The only trouble we have is when he can't get his scheduled game time in. He definitely counts down to it.

 

It really has opened doors for him socially, and for us, it has been worth it. They had a lock-in at Scouts where ds was the hero for his gaming skills. That was huge for him. You obviously know your child best, but I just wanted to offer our perspective :001_smile:.

[Desert Rat]

I have made choices in my parenting to help my son make friends. He's a smart, quirky kid. He wanted to talk about math and geology at 5 years old. Other kids didn't get it. We introduced SpongeBob and Pokemon as a way for him to have things to talk about with other kids. We spent hours going over how to have a conversation, what to talk about, etc. It worked. He had great friends for awhile. Then they all moved. We are working on rebuilding.

As my boys enter their teens, I plan on making our house the cool house. I'm getting the best games, snacks, the coolest space to hang out. Why? Because I want all the kids to hang out here. I want them under my noses and safe. I want to have teenage boys lounging around where I know what they are doing (and what they are not). I already have ideas for making a hang out space when the toys start to go.

I respect OP's decision to keep certain things from her home. How does your son feel about it? Does it make him happy to be different? Does he not care at all? Is he angry and resentful? I think this would sway my ideas of why I was keeping games systems, for example, out of the house.

We don't let our boys make big decisions for us. We just try to take into account their feelings. Life's hard enough without making it intentionally harder. JMHO

[catz]

I think this is really a question of community to some extent. You'd fit right in with people I know. Here, we're a bit nonconformist for having video gaming systems. :D

 

ROFL - here too. Our house is only 100 years old though. :tongue_smilie: We very intentionally moved to a family friendly urban community near a university with an "over educated" population. This is just typical here.

[kalanamak]

I have told kiddo when his brain is developed enough to do HALF his school work without me in the room, then he can start to have electronics. It motivates him, and I think neurobiologically sound for him.

[whitestavern]

Years ago in my parenting journey, I was quite radical. I would have considered living off the grid, homesteading, etc. I even had a sig line that said "so far from center I can't see normal from here."

 

What I discovered for me was that it wasn't my individual choices, but my attachment to "alternative" that was getting in the way of good choices. I had become so attached to being different that I began to entertain ideas simply because they weren't mainstream - not because those non-mainstream ideas had merit in and of themself.

 

I had become an "alternasheep". It was like a group of teens dressed exactly alike claiming "different" status. :lol: It was like an SNL skit combining predictable constellation of alternative ideas.

 

I started evaluating choices individually, not based on whether "everyone" was doing it, or if "everyone" in the alternative world was doing it. This process saved me from non-coercive parenting, unschooling, unassisted birthing, and making my own bread.

 

Anyway, that is my journey. It may not have anything to do with yours. We love our X Box. :001_smile:

 

Joanne...this is really interesting, and somewhat true in our case as well. Thank you for posting; it's given us some food for thought.

[GinaPagnato]

Years ago in my parenting journey, I was quite radical. I would have considered living off the grid, homesteading, etc. I even had a sig line that said "so far from center I can't see normal from here."

 

What I discovered for me was that it wasn't my individual choices, but my attachment to "alternative" that was getting in the way of good choices. I had become so attached to being different that I began to entertain ideas simply because they weren't mainstream - not because those non-mainstream ideas had merit in and of themself.

 

I had become an "alternasheep". It was like a group of teens dressed exactly alike claiming "different" status. :lol: It was like an SNL skit combining predictable constellation of alternative ideas.

 

I started evaluating choices individually, not based on whether "everyone" was doing it, or if "everyone" in the alternative world was doing it. This process saved me from non-coercive parenting, unschooling, unassisted birthing, and making my own bread.

 

Anyway, that is my journey. It may not have anything to do with yours. We love our X Box. :001_smile:

 

 

 

This is very wise. I underwent a similar transformation, but for me it came when I was diagnosed with cancer and had enough life changes to deal with. The focus was on getting through chemo, not shopping for a milk goat, than you very much! ;)

 

And, for what it's worth, we do own an Xbox, and strange as it may seem, it has helped to cultivate relationships. Depending on your demographics, gaming can be an "in" for friendships, particularly with boys. I have routinely seen that the boys who don't have any gaming systems are a bit on the fringe of the group, even amongst hsers. This isn't right or wrong; I'm not drawing a moral conclusion, just stating my own observations.

 

If I had my way, we would have no game systems. That's just b/c I'm not interested and I feel they're a waste of time even though my dc can only play on weekends, and it's limited even then. However, it does seem to be a door that has allowed in some friendships, which then take off from there and are not limited to gaming.

 

FWIW, my kids would love coming over to your house and running around. :)

[MamaT]

I have made choices in my parenting to help my son make friends. He's a smart, quirky kid. He wanted to talk about math and geology at 5 years old. Other kids didn't get it. We introduced SpongeBob and Pokemon as a way for him to have things to talk about with other kids. We spent hours going over how to have a conversation, what to talk about, etc. It worked. He had great friends for awhile. Then they all moved. We are working on rebuilding.

As my boys enter their teens, I plan on making our house the cool house. I'm getting the best games, snacks, the coolest space to hang out. Why? Because I want all the kids to hang out here. I want them under my noses and safe. I want to have teenage boys lounging around where I know what they are doing (and what they are not). I already have ideas for making a hang out space when the toys start to go.

I respect OP's decision to keep certain things from her home. How does your son feel about it? Does it make him happy to be different? Does he not care at all? Is he angry and resentful? I think this would sway my ideas of why I was keeping games systems, for example, out of the house.

We don't let our boys make big decisions for us. We just try to take into account their feelings. Life's hard enough without making it intentionally harder. JMHO

 

This has been my strategy for my kids as well. Coming from the perspective now of a mom with teens, I can tell you it has paid off. I had 16 teenagers in my house for Superbowl. I never know how many boys will come up from my basement for breakfast on Saturdays. I know my teenagers friends very well, and many of them have come to me for "heart-to-hearts" when they need to talk to an adult. Yes, the boys play video games late into the night on Friday nights, but they are good kids, I know who my kids are hanging out with, and they are home a lot more than most teens I know.

[katilac]

I would go to great lengths to build a social network for a socially awkward 10-yr-old with few friends.

 

Gaming systems can be a useful tool, but certainly there are others. I have never found that tweens & teens only want to play with electronics; I have found that they can be reluctant to commit themselves to an afternoon at someone's house when they are not already friends with that person, and aren't sure they will be comfortable and have fun, kwim? Time crawls when you are staring at each other and not knowing what to do next.

 

So you need to take the lead for your son. Have activities planned, and be ready to step in and move things along or smooth things over as needed. Until he makes some headway in the group, always have a themed activity and a start/stop time (don't just invite kids over for the afternoon). Buy some extra Nerf guns or water balloons. Plan a cool science experiment. Take any excuse for a 'party' - Mardi Gras, first day of spring, etc. Always have food :D

 

Sometimes, when we see our kids struggling, it's really tempting to 'blame' the other kids - they are media obsessed, they aren't interested in other activities, they only want to play video games. It's really, really worth the effort to look past the surface differences and initial struggles to discover that there are lots of great kids who have interests that are just as varied as our own. And that's what creating the fun visits is all about: giving THEM the chance to see the good qualities in YOUR kids. If it takes Nerf guns, pizza rolls, and lots of hand-holding to get there, that's okay. They're all kids, after all.

[mamakim]

We adopted a halfway measure this last fall that I'm really happy with.

 

We've never had electronics, either, and the children aren't even allowed too many computer games. But because of challenges with a few of my children getting any form of exercise (health issue) we ended up getting an Xbox with Kinect.

 

Here's what we've done: we haven't (and won't) buy any regular Xbox games, only Kinect games. So my vulnerable-to-video boys don't ever sit at a controller. They're jumping around, ducking and dashing and having so much fun :) (well, girls too).

 

I hadn't thought of the social aspect at all - our social set is pretty game system free, too - but when we have people with children over now, there is no awkwardness about what to do, and the children have a great time. It still feels like a gaming system in the context of social life. And guest children only want to visit our ducks and little goats for a few minutes, yours? I'm always surprised that they're not more of a draw.

[Soror]

Years ago in my parenting journey, I was quite radical. I would have considered living off the grid, homesteading, etc. I even had a sig line that said "so far from center I can't see normal from here."

 

What I discovered for me was that it wasn't my individual choices, but my attachment to "alternative" that was getting in the way of good choices. I had become so attached to being different that I began to entertain ideas simply because they weren't mainstream - not because those non-mainstream ideas had merit in and of themself.

 

I had become an "alternasheep". It was like a group of teens dressed exactly alike claiming "different" status. :lol: It was like an SNL skit combining predictable constellation of alternative ideas.

 

I started evaluating choices individually, not based on whether "everyone" was doing it, or if "everyone" in the alternative world was doing it. This process saved me from non-coercive parenting, unschooling, unassisted birthing, and making my own bread.

 

Anyway, that is my journey. It may not have anything to do with yours. We love our X Box. :001_smile:

oops ignore the angry face :)

 

No game system here- but this is where I am at. I think it is easy to get into the alternative lifestyle(for lack of better wording) and let it define you. Become obsessed with your differences and how better you are than others because you are so enlightened and they aren't. Everything mainstream is bad, everything alternative is good. I lamented for a good while that I couldn't find anyone *like* me around here. But somehow I have managed to form a group of friends just in being open to people and friendly.

 

I don't think we do our kids any favors trying to be as different as possible and focus on that. That doesn't mean I think we should compromise who we are. There is nearly always something you have in common and you never know where it will lead. If we want others to be accepting of our differences I think it starts with us. I cannot complain about being called a freak when I think the same of others who are different than me.

 

Our (my) differences have caused difficulty at times. Some of that was due to my pushiness and sometimes people are jerks. I never lie about our choices when asked but I don't go on and on about things trying to proselytize people to the crunchy life either. I also try to keep in mind some things are "salvation" issues and some are not, not everything really is that important. So, although I still wave the freak flag high at times I don't feel the need to display it at all times.

 

I *try* not to push value and judgement onto the kids about things either, especially things that, in the scheme of things, are not critical. I try to keep it at these are our choices and I'm lucky with the age of mine we haven't been pushed further than that.

 

As pp said I hope to be the cool house as well. That was my fil's strategy for dh and it worked well, video games were out then, but he hooked them with fixing up hot rods and racing them around the field here. There are other things to lure kids around, depending on their interests. Some families do lots of spots, some mechanical things, some outdoor adventures or a host of many other things. I think the key is the active involvement and listening to them, being there physically and engaged.

 

I hope this doesn't come off harsh. I just hear myself in your post and know that I have pushed people away at times because of my need to be defined as crunchy. At this point there are many things in my life and none of them define me, they are things I do.

Edited February 7, 2012 by soror

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I grew up in a "church" that did stuff very differently than mainstream Christianity, who taught that THEY were the only True Church, and if you celebrated Christmas, Halloween, Valentine's Day, Easter, Saint Patric's Day, than you were pagan. If you ate unclean foods or didn't keep a sundown-Friday to sundown-Saturday Sabbath then you didn't really love God. So I grew up with this belife that I was right and everyone else in my class was wrong. They thought it was weird that I was kept from school on those holiday celebration days at school. So I grew up with virtually no friends. I was weird. Because of that I started reading a lot of books in my free time, which earned me the label "the Girl who reads at recess." I was perfectly fine with that. In high school I relished their...not hatred, but rejection of me as a badge of honor. If they were so wrong about everything then them rejecting me was a good thing. It took a certain young man and the love and grace of his faith to help me get out of that mindset. I still embrace that which makes me different, it's who I am. I'll always be an outsider, I still have trouble making friends. And I'm worried that my sons are growing up to be outsiders, too. I'm trying really hard to find a local homeschooling group. I know how important it is that they have friends.

 

I'm not sure if any of that answers your questions, but I hope it helps to know you're not alone in your alonness :D

[Catherine]

My parents were much like you are and I honestly remember my childhood as incredibly lonely. Yes, it was character-building, it's where I developed my toughness and work ethic. But, it was not that happy. Or perhaps, you should re-examine your goals. Maybe making your kid happy shouldn't be a top goal. Maybe character-building is more important to you.

[MomatHWTK]

My Ds doesn't have any fixed friends, but does enjoy being around other children. If you don't want to go the electronics route, places where friends can be found are at an indoor rock climbing facility, roller or ice skating rinks, the children's museum, swimming pools, etc. He can socialize and enjoy the company of others engaged in the same activities without having to have play dates.

 

However, my socially akward child does struggle with the conversations the kids have and we are very tech dependent at our house. So, it's not so much the lack of common interests (i.e. gaming systems) as it is lack of common language and behavior patterns. He just doesn't get adolescent boy behavior at all. I actually let the child watch some TV programs (like The Suite Life) that I don't allow the younger children in order to teach him about this stuff. LOL

 

ETA: We have a neighbor child that come over to play but can't be trusted in the house (too much temptation to wander off and get into trouble and too little patience to supervise on my part). However, the child loves to come over because at our house, there's a slide off the back deck, mud puddles in the back yard and you can make messes out back to your heart's content. It may be that the friends your DS has aren't the best selection to be his friends. They are friends of convenience, not common intersts. Have you tried a Lego Club? D&D night at the local comic bookstore? Ooh, our town even has a youth rock collectors club that meets regularly. Cultivate your niche.

 

But, I do agree, it's easier to make friends by asking people about their interests and finding connections than making sure they know what doesn't interest you. ;)

Edited February 7, 2012 by MomatHWTK

[Trilliums]

My kids have fairly esoteric interests. They are interested in physics, probability problems and other geeky pursuits. They also are not the kinds of kids who easily invite other kids over, or suggest getting together for activities. Additionally, they aren't into team sports. Take all this and add to it the fact that we are non-religious homeschoolers and you end up with few potential friends. With time....and effort, we have gotten to the point where the boys have a couple of good friends with similar interests. Their favorite things to do are nerf games and robotics. Our basement is devoted to these two activities. Nerf games have become much more than just shooting each other. They build elaborate bases, use a monetary system for trading goods, and they even have an Embassy.

 

I suspect not having a gaming system has little to do with the issue. If potential friends are listing this as a reason for not coming over, I'd suspect there is some other reason and the gaming system just comes to mind as a rational. I cannot imagine my kids and their friends basing their friendships solely on that factor. Probably it is more a matter of expanding your circle of contact and stretching to find kids with similar interests.

 

What does your son like to do?

 

The best activity we got involved with was 4H robotics. As there were no existing clubs, we made our own! If there is a county extension office near you, they might have info on getting involved in robotics--it is one of the official 4h project areas. Poultry is probably a project area too. Your family might find others with similar interests through 4h.

 

Good luck and keep trying! It took us a long time to find a small group with whom we feel comfortable.

[Mom-ninja.]

Has the book Bringing Up Geeks been mentioned?

[3Blessings]

I feel for you! :grouphug:

 

I have a son who is ADHD, slightly awkward with social situations, and would oftentimes prefer being alone to being with people. We do make it a priority to bring people in our home. Maybe not always people his age . . . maybe an adult who eats dinner with us or a family down the road whose kids are not exactly his age. Anyway, it does seem to help him be more comfortable with people in general.

 

Dh and I are introverts. We like people, but, true to form, we are emotionally drained by too much social interaction. We recharge by solitary time at home. That said, we push ourselves because we see the value of community and we value certain relationships. It sounds like the op has some friends . . . would it work to invest in those relationships more? Or find a family or two whose kids are your kids' age?

 

Agreeing with a pp- pray about it. If you do choose to pursure relationships for your ds sake, give it time to take hold.

 

Bless you!

[A.Balaban]

I wanted to offer the other side of the equation. I, myself, own several gaming systems. I don't purchase games frequently, but we still keep a couple games around to relax a bit after the kids are in bed on an occasional basis. Right now my DH and I are playing through L.A. Noire. We own an XBOX 360, PS2, Wii, DS and original XBOX. We also have an original Nintendo and super Nintendo. All of the gaming systems (except the 360 and Wii) are in storage right now since we don't have room for them. However, my feeling is that since I am familiar with these gaming systems, I should continue to be familiar with them so that when my children grow up I am able to "play" with them and help them choose appropriate games.

 

This is a personal issue for me. Growing up, I never played any inappropriate games (violence or nudity)- I played the occasional adventure game or DDR. But, as my brother got older, and got his own 360, he started playing FPS (First Person Shooters) . He is only 12.

 

Anyway: If you do chose to get a gaming system, whatever you do, take some time and play it. Learn the controls, and the game. Read the reviews online before you purchase a new game & make sure it is an appropriate selection for a child. You really can't "understand" a game until you play it.

 

FWIW, I agree with the other posters. I would not open pandora's box about a gaming system just to help initiate social contact. I would do it for your family, IF it is the right choice.

 

Good luck!

[laughing lioness]

 

So for those of you who feel "different", where your difference affects you in a negative way, how do you come to terms with that?

 

It is an on-going process. Some days I'm o.k., others, not. I am clear about our vision. I own our mission. I have clearly defined goals. I also ask my dh about once a month, "Why do we live this way?" We evaluate and adjust regularly.

[LibraryLover]

I think this is really a question of community to some extent. You'd fit right in with people I know. Here, we're a bit nonconformist for having video gaming systems. :D

 

 

That is similar to our situation.

 

It's nice to have *some* people who enjoy what you enjoy, who value what you value. I am grateful I have friends with whom I can discuss ideas etc.

Edited February 9, 2012 by LibraryLover

[3Blessings]

It is an on-going process. Some days I'm o.k., others, not. I am clear about our vision. I own our mission. I have clearly defined goals. I also ask my dh about once a month, "Why do we live this way?" We evaluate and adjust regularly.

 

:iagree:I looked back and realized that your post had asked about how we- the adults- handle the differences.

 

We live in a small, Christian, expat community here in Jakarta, Indonesia. Most of us are quite similar, but we make choices like afterschooling our children, not attending every social event that is offered, we limit our children's social time (sometimes due to the reasons listed above, sometimes not), I even (gasp!) do not allow my children to attend a Bible study that is scheduled too late for them (I'd like them to go, but since we do a lot of Bible study as a family, I didn't feel the pressure to enroll them like every other kid in the community).

 

There are times when dh and I say, "Wish we could have the community only when we wanted it . . . and we didn't have to work at it so much!" But I think we've gotten to a point that we understand that community is important and there will be times we make decisions to be part of that (see previous post). There will also be times that we do not. We are now ok with that.

 

Sorry for rambling- I feel I've been where you are. I feel I am still sometimes there.

[wisdomandpeace]

Dh and I often refer to ourselves as freaks and geeks, which really isn't accurate; we're quite normal! But the fact that we homeschool, live in a 271 year old old house, own chickens, don't own any gaming systems and expose our kids to museums, concerts, old movies, etc. certainly makes us feel like freaks in this day and age. We have found it difficult to make friends in our town, which is pretty tiny to begin with, due to our differences.

 

Dh and I are fine with this. We have some neighbor friends and a couple of other couples that we get together with on occasion. Dd has a couple of public schooled friends; one from when she was going to girl scouts (she's now in a homeschool troop) and one she's known for about 10 years from a mom's club we used to belong to. She also has several homeschooled friends she's met through the years. Ds on the other hand, has almost no friends. He had two very close friends that have moved far away, one homeschool friendm who now goes to ps and is very difficult to get together with, and one homeschooled set of brothers that are also difficult to get together with since they live quite far away. He's in the ps boy scout troop, but due to our upbringing vs their upbringing, it just seems to be difficult to "fit in". We've recently come to the realization that several of both our kids' friends don't like to come over here because we don't have gaming systems, which seems incredibly sad.

 

All this to say that I go through stages of sadness about all this. I spend a lot of time wondering if my dc should be in school, or if we should purchase a gaming system to help them "fit in". I know this isn't really rational, but how can I be content with the way things are?

 

Dh isn't really concerned about our lack of socialization so he doesn't offer up any suggestions. I guess he's accepting of our nonconformity. I'm not sure I am. There aren't a lot of opportunities for my ds to get involved where he can make close friendships. He's in CCD 1x/week (difficult to make friends in that setting), doesn't really do sports except for baseball (where all the boys are already friends with each other) or individual sports like skiing and golf. He's in scouts but it's a very small troop and as I said, the boys are very different from ds, plus they all know each other from school. There are very few opportunities in a homeschool setting for him.

 

Okay, sorry for the long ramble/vent. So for those of you who feel "different", where your difference affects you in a negative way, how do you come to terms with that?

 

Just wanted to chime in to say that I'm sympathetic. We also do not/will not own a gaming system. This isn't an issue with our 8 y.o. daughter, but can definitely foresee it being an issue for our toddler son at some point. (Only because this is what we hear from other parents.) We don't do tv other than good quality documentaries and classic movies (we don't have cable or an antenna), dh and I don't do Facebook, etc. It is indeed a very sad state of affairs that this is hindering your son socially. Nor do I think that you're just trying to be different, as a pp suggested, because I also genuinely believe that video games are detrimental to developing little brains and I know that I'm not just "trying to be different," either. Is it possible that these aren't really the kind of friends you want for him anyway??? After all, you could cave and buy him an XBox and the hottest new games and have a steady stream of boys coming through your living room to play it and your son might (rightly) perceive that it's the video system, not him that they're after. He deserves friends that want to be friends with *him*! I'm personally of the opinion that kids don't need legions of friends and playmates, one good buddy is all they need to feel accepted and appreciated. Perhaps if you tap into his hobbies, check with the library, local science museum, etc. for groups that meet there? If scouts isn't meeting his needs, maybe something else will. Are you near a university town? You might have better luck finding like-minded families there. One last thought, where do you stand with regards to something like Lego Mindstorms? That could provide some of the coolness factor that would help your son break the ice with other boys, yet be more educational and less passive than video games. Good luck!

Sharon

[jamajo]

My kids love going to friend's houses like yours! They love the change of scenery, seeing baby goats, harvesting eggs, playing Narnia in a very old house!

 

My go to is always prayer! Two years ago, my son was just like yours! We talked about it and sat and prayed for God to reveal opportunities and help him find friends. Wow! It is amazing to see how God has provided! We all get tickled about it. Within a week of praying the balls started rolling.

 

1. A mom at my girls' dance class began hounding me to teach a writing class at their coop...bc I was known as an awesome writer? No. Bc no one else would do it and she knew I would make it fun. Having just prayed, I knew this was what God wanted...it took 3-4 more pleadings to seal the deal but I relented. Two years later, my son's class is bursting...he loves going and as gained many, many friends!

 

2. Also, at this time a friend mentioned FEE scholarship economic summer programs..the application was due that week...he applied, got accepted and created dozens of friends from all over the states he keeps up with on FB.

 

3. For two months before we prayed, I had had a growing cyst on my back...at first just a little pea size, the week we prayed it had doubled and was a very large marble! It was gross when the kids would hug me and naturally want to grab it to see how much bigger it was! Yuck! I decided to have it cut out that week...my surgeon did it in her office, I was awake for it all...it was deeper than she thought so we had plenty of time to talk...:tongue_smilie: she started telling me how she was a competitor rower in the masters (older people)... She urged me to have my kids try rowing that she was a booster for the juniors and knew my kids would love it...so, since I was a captive audience I had to hear about rowing for over an hour. All right, God, I get it! But by the 45 minute drive home and the anesthetic wearing off, I really had put it in the back of my mind. I get home to check email...right there in my inbox was a last call for rowing camp! A mom who had no idea I was considering it had sent it to me...you can bet, we jumped on it, now my son goes to practices 4-5 days a week and has 40 new friends he works out with and competes with!

 

If there is a need, God meets it...He does a much better job of planning for my kids than I could...I just have to be willing and have my blinders off when He tries to make a point! The greatest thing is. The lesson my son learned about prayer...priceless.

 

I am very encouraged by this answer and can second it. However, this board is full of people who may not be Christians. Not sure if the prayer solution would work for them or not. But they should try and see if it does.:tongue_smilie:

We've only been homeschooling about 2.5 years and the "friends" issue was a big one. My kids felt very isolated. I actually felt isolated as well. We all prayed for people to come along side us to walk this journey with us and I declare he answered that prayer through the coop we currently belong to. We are forming wonderful relationships that just this past Sunday included our husbands meeting at a Superbowl party our new friends hosted.

[zaichiki]

We're very "different."

 

No gaming system here either... but we like to get outside and be busy. We hike out in the woods behind our house... sometimes we even get our guests stuck in the mud out there. ;) (Maybe that's the way we try to keep them from leaving? Hey: that's one way to have a community nearby! LOL!)

 

We've been able to find pockets of friends who have things in common with us. No one has *everything* in common with us of course, so we code-switch regularly. I think the *key* is code-switching.

Edited February 8, 2012 by zaichiki

[J-rap]

I guess we're a little like you -- we don't have wii or x-box or anything like that, our TV has one channel but we never watch it (and in fact I don't even think it works anymore, since things switched over to HD), we do love old movies and classical music, and we live in a 100-year-old house. :) Personally, we didn't want our house to be the "cool" house just to get a bunch of boys over here that we'd maybe rather not have over here... ha ha! Although we do love having other kids here, really.

I think in your case, I would ask yourself two things: 1) Are you living the way you're living because you believe it is best for your family and 2) Is your son happy? If you made the decisions you made because you really feel they are in the best interest of your children, then stick with them! Is your son happy and busy as is? I think when you DO live the way you (and I) do, we maybe need to try harder to make sure our home life is interesting and fun for our children, and it might mean a lot more involvement on the parents' part. We have one son and four daughters. They played together really well, but my son really had a special relationship with my husband. They did a lot together -- hobbies, bike rides, hiking. This maybe satisfied a need my son would otherwise have had to be with other boys? I don't know. I also agree with what someone else said, that a whole crowd of boys isn't necessary -- just one good buddy can be completely fulfilling!

Is there one family you can do things with? We did have a really fun homeschooling family that we did things with almost once a week. We had a lot of the same kind of non-mainstream interests, and our kids were all the same ages. So, our kids were able to say they had friends even if it was just one other family. :)

We're not completely against anything modern, for sure! I think my son was the first one in town to have an iPod some years ago, and we certainly don't think gaming is evil! (We do have some computer games.) It's just a personal decision we've made to spend our time doing other things. I do feel that our lifestyle has pushed our kids to be quite creative and independent, and to be content with simple things. Please understand though, I'm not saying that those same goals can't be accomplished in a different lifestyle. But, it's what worked for us.